Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Little New Year's Toast... with Twi-porn

I'm thinking that this post is a kind of preemptive strike for the hangover that I'm sure will be kicking my ass tomorrow morning, rendering me completely useless to do anything remotely productive, except moan like a sad little bitch and promise myself that 'I'll never drink again.' Conversely, I hope this is beneficial to all you lovely whore-flaps who are smart enough NOT to try to drink your weight in cheap champagne and opted to stay home tonight.

Dear STY - If you ever even THINK of doing something like this to me I will hunt you down like James did to Bella and there will be no Edward to save you. Love you!

I can't think of a better way to while away the hours than with fan fiction. I know, I know, we already dangled a few naughty stories in your faces last week but... well, it's the holidays. It's a time of the year when you're supposed to be a total glutton and as far as I'm concerned, that goes for porn as well.

In fact, I started preparing for my smut-filled weekend a couple of days ago. I had the full intention of braving the fucking freezing-ass weather on Tuesday and heading down to Ricky's to purchase a few 'adult' items. Then I had a mental image of getting searched at the subway station on my way home and trying to explain to the NYPD why I had an Edward Cullen action figure, used tissues and a tub of Make Me Cum personal lubricant in my bag. Awkward, much?

You didn't think I was making that up, did you?

I think I'll order it online. Or maybe I'll make ML drive my car-less ass to the adult store near town and watch the look of horror on his face when he realizes he has to park his car in a parking lot that is right next to a very busy, well-traveled highway. Awkward is only funny when it's someone else, after all.

Anyway, here are a few more wonderful, smut-filled, lemony-gasmic fics that I've been humping my computer chair over. I've also included a few fics I've received recommendations on from you guys - I received so many recs from all of you over the months that I probably have about 100 emails full of sluttiness that I need to go through. I've checked most of these fics out in some capacity and they've all been added to my smut list so... I figured I'd spread the goodness.

These are a few that fics I give a fan-girl squee to when they update:

The Lost Boys - Three young woman, three young men, a potentially haunted Victorian that's falling apart around their ears, unrequited love, and an up and coming band. Take all that, shake it up, and set it in romantic San Francisco. All human, usual pairings. [There is a scene in this fic that almost made my fucking chair burst into flames. Well, there were quite a few but this one in particular... yowser]

Poughkeepsie -[<-- Boo. This has actually recently been pulled. Thanks Anntastic for the update!] AU. Bella is at the train station when a homeless man gets attacked. Even if the other train passengers can turn their backs on 'Crazy', the man that pretends to play piano on cardboard, Bella can't [I just started this one - it's been recommended to me by many people and so far so good.]

Hydraulic Level 5 - Critics hailed Edward Cullen’s novels as “masterful” and "brimstone beauty"--a genius of our time. Eh. I gave him my heart when I was four…and still, he left me for his stupid vampire books. Now he's an NYC elite...and I have extreme sports in Forks, WA. [I adore Bella in this story and all the characters are just absolutely awesome. A very professionally written fic, imo]

Oh Jeebus. JJ's lookin' at me all funny again. This can't be good...

I pulled this one from Random Acts of Rob, I believe and just started it - very pleased so far.

NuMb - Another Kharizzmatik fic -
They said she'd gone insane. Bella simply wanted to remember Edward, not knowing her actions would devastate those around her and destroy lives. Will anyone forgive her? Will she ever find herself again? Furthermore, is she still crazy? BxE

Twi-Me also recently sent in a few suggestions:

The Blessing and the Curse - By pretending she is falling for Edward, Bella is fulfilling Esme’s dying wish. But sexy, possessive Edward can read her mind. Will she ever get into his? Can Bella forget the pain of her teenage years, and can she resist his relentless seduction? AH. [This is an excellent story. Edward is a total cock in the beginning but... it's just good. Read it.]

Tropic of Virgo - He's a young but jaded musician writing lyrics for his band, and she's a naive, frustrated poet looking to break out of her shell; their words collide online. What happens when they meet in high school, unaware of their literary connection? [I think this was one of the first completed fics I ever read and I absolutely gobbled every last morsel of it. It's amazing]

Fanficzombie left a link in one of the comment trails and I HAD to check out. Holy shit is this one-shot fucking hysterical - I Want to Eff You Like A Masochistic Lion. 'Nuff said.

OMG, that story was as awkward as I am during interviews. But really, really funny!!

When they aren't being totally twatty on Twitter, the two sardonic, evil bitches - Latchkey Wife and Texas Katherine, throw a few yummy fics my way.

Secure Entrance - What happens when you're stuck going through security and your nipple rings set off the man holding the metal detecting wand? M for Pierced lemon and Wandward. [I actually haven't read this yet but from the reaction of TK and LKW, it's definitely fucking good.]

Art After 5 - Bella Swan had life figured out until she met sixteen-year-old Edward Cullen. A few months and an intense emotional connection later, she finds herself on a journey toward self acceptance while questioning everything she'd previously accepted as true. [Only a few chapters into this but it's really well written and the characters are believable.]

Illegal Contact - Edward Masen is a 29 year old former NFL football player, now coaching high school football in Forks. He leads a quiet life until he meets a woman that will change his life forever. What's been missing from his life may be right in front of him. AH [Er, I haven't gotten to this one yet either but just hearing them rave about it is enough for me. If you hate it, you can find those two on Twitter and let them know!]

Speaking of Twitter, a few of you may have noticed a small... war going on between myself, Latchkey Wife and Texas Katherine for the past day or so. It involved one of us having knowledge of a really good one-shot fic and not giving up the link to the other two. A Rick Roll may or may not have been involved. However, apparently my asshole skills are above and beyond exceptional. Go me!

Regardless, the fic that I was so cuntily cock-blocking from those two is one I picked up from Whitney Twilog over on Facebook. It's called The Midnight Caller and it is hot!

So that's it for now. I hope you enjoy the smut, ladies!

We hope you all have a very excellent, fun-filled New Year's Eve. It's been a great year together and you all are so awesome!

Be safe, twatwaffles.

Jenny & Snarkier Than You

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Year In Twilihuhuhuhuhhhhhuhu...

RPatts sheared his Sampson-strength tresses and other shit happened and um it didn't matter because...

OK so we were gonna do one of them there "2009 Year End Round-Up" dealies where we discuss all of the awesome, fun, crazy, aggravating, exciting, scandalous and otherwise noteworthy things that have happened in the Twidom in the last year. But then while we were putting the post together and looking for photos, something happened...

This happened.
[insert drooly Homer Simpson donut noise here]

Suddenly it was ten o' clock at night going into a long booze-fueled weekend, wine had been consumed, spirits were high, posting was a total "GO!" and we found this picture and Jenny Jerkface and I sat there on my couch staring at it and went completely catatonic for a few minutes.

And any idea of a semi-dignified post went right out the vagina door.

Several moist moments later, JJ and I shook ourselves from our of reverie, wiped the drool from our chins and decided that we wanted to share the panty-combusting-fest with you, whether you wanted it or not (we know you want it - let's not kid). So we said "Fuck that year-end round-up shit! We'll do it next week and be horrendously late like always! Let's just post this picture so that everyone else can stare at it and go catatonic for three minutes or so!" (seriously we should coin a new word for this state like "Rob-a-tonic" or something like that and get it into the medical books stat).

So there you have it - cheers! Don't forget to wipe up the drool when you are done because that shit is slippery when wet and crusty and gross once it dries on to stuff. [um, and sorry to my new RL friend followers but this is how we roll in these parts and if you're gonna lurk you might as well get used to it now. I told Mr. Snarky that he has my permission to write songs about mean, horrible, whoring women-folk so we're all good here.]

Oh, yeah. Once we got over our catatonia, we decided we needed a little more. I mean, needed needed. Like crack whores to the pipe, we immediately started discussing the other pictures that we love to, um, study.

What? Did you say something? I can't hear over the sound of JJ's vag purring... Niiiice kitty.

P.S. [from JJ] STY put something in here that I said 'no fucking way, asshole' at and she got all stiff, glared at me and growled 'you can't snifle me!!' which apparently is a cross between 'stifle' and 'snarky', meaning I stifled her snarkiness. Whatever.

P.P.S. [from STY] JJ totally looked me straight in the eye and in the middle of a conversation called a mutual friend of ours "Edward" - no shit. And then she was trying to figure out why I was looking at her all bug-eyed and she replayed what she said in her head and was suitably aghast. We squeeeed!, did a leg-hitch, and called it a day. I'm not sure how much more Twitarded things can get in 2010 but apparently we still haven't hit bottom on this slippery slope. And here we thought 2009 was a wild ride! Stay tuned...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

An Honest Inquiry For Our Followers Who Possess Cawks n' Bawls...

I'm genuinely curious. So please don't take this the wrong way, but I have to ask:

Peeps with peens, why the fuck do you follow us???

I mean, I get why the chicks like to hang out here. This is a pretty titty-friendly, estrogen-charged blogsite. Vaginas of all shapes, sizes, colors and usage are always welcome here. Where else can you go to discuss Twilight, porn, use phrases like whore-flaps and taint-stain and drool over pictures of RPattz? And let's not forget the poop jokes! Okay, okay, I'm sure there are lots of other places like that, but still.

JJ, I'm serious this time. NO more poop jokes!! Gahd, why are you always such a twat-stain? I mean it... if you say poop I'm hanging up... No, I'm... dammit!!

It first came to my attention that guys - actual real honest-to-goodness dudes - were following us when I was perusing our Facebook fan page and came across a couple of profiles. Huh. Intriguing.

Then I really got to thinking about it, and now I'm insanely curious. What is it about us that those of you who possess 'nards like?

Wolfman's got 'nards!!! Wait, they've got vaginas! RUUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!

My first inclination is that we have vaginas and you are interested in somehow getting into one of them but from your profiles it looks like most of you are married or attached in some way. Not that being in a relationship necessarily excludes some people from the occasional online dalliance, but this seems like a random place for that, really. So what gives? Are you here to support your wife/girlfriend? Spy on her? Are you trying to figure out why she gets a sparkle in her eye over... well, sparkly vampires?

Is that what it is? Are you guys actually like some kind of hubby-ninja-reconnaissance team, out to crack the code of Edward Cullen? Is this Project Vampy Sparkle?

Maybe I'm just reading into this too much. Maybe you're just a Unicorn and you love the saga as much as we do. I do know that some of you lovely ladies have brought your hubbies over to the sparkly-side, which I think is awesome. ML looks just looks frightened whenever I suggest it so if that's the case, then cool. Welcome! We hope you like it here and you're not horrified by our va-jay-jay talk. We don't mind a few dicks hanging around, trust me. And I mean that in the literal sense, not that you're actually a dick dick... oh, never mind. You know what I mean.

Eureka! I think I know. You are lurking because of the fanfiction, is that it? I mean, all of a sudden your lady-love is pouncing all over your tip like a porn star in heat and you can't figure it out. You know she spends a good deal of time with her Twilighty friends so you start to investigate. Maybe you've been lurking long enough to recognize that even you think Robert Pattinson is easy on the eyes, but you know that's just the tip of the iceberg: there has to be something more.

And then you stumble on the porn. I bet you didn't realize just how pervy women really are, did ya? Yeah, most of us keep that shit from you for some reason but that's for another post.

Perhaps you were just trying to figure out why the mother of your children has a sudden obsession with tattoos and keeps pestering you to get your dong pierced. Maybe you're confused by the fact that she keep calling her ladybits 'kitty'. Or maybe you're just trying to figure out why your lovey is talking about 'vanilla sex' and keeps upping the kink-ante in the bedroom.

You want me to get a Prince Albert? What's that? [Nice Nikes, by the way]

So, is that it? Tell me, Unicorns/hubby-ninjas/whatever-you-are!! Is it the porn? Let's face it - there is enough Twilight fanfic for everyone out there - whether you're straight, gay, bi, whatever. And statistically, I think dudes think about sex sixty times a minute or something like that so I'm leaning toward the bumpin' uglies angle. Are you taking notes? Pointers? Do you read the smut as a couple and then recreate the scenes? Yes or no will suffice for that last question, by the way. No need for details. 'kay, thanks.

Tell me I cracked the case, Unicorns/hubby-ninjas/whatever-you-are!! Man, you guys are tough nuts to crack! Spill the beans, dammit!

Hello? Anyone there? Is this thing on?

Lllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies, what do you think of our male lurkers? Did they accidentally sign up as fans/followers while on a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-worthy bender? Are they somehow confused by the title of this blog and actually think we're an anti-Twilight blogsite? Or are they genuinely interested by Twilight? I gotta be honest here - I don't really believe it's that last one but I'm throwing it out there for shits and giggles - stranger things have happened!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Make My Twitarded Holiday Wish Come True?

I hope that everyone who celebrates Christmas had a great holiday! And that the rest of you had a swell day, too (believe me, there was a point on the 25th when I was considering just calling the whole thing off and going out for some Chinese food and a movie).

It occurred to me at some point that almost everyone I know found some sort of Twilight-related gear under their Christmas tree. Except me and Jenny Jerkface. Not to sound like an ingrate, but what gives?! At my in-laws I got to coo over the New Moon 2010 Calendar my sister-in-law got from her kids, and Sister Snarky's kids gave her a copy of Breaking Dawn (because nothing says "celebrate the season" like Bella's horrific pregnancy) and a vampire-themed magazine. Sister Snarky is having some sort of mid-Twi-crisis and is questioning her commitment to sparkle peen, but her kids were determined to get Mommy some Edward whether she liked it or not. She tried to get out of it but the crushed little faces they made when she started to balk made her reconsider. And no worries - she'll be back. But more on that another time...

I suppose that maybe my family figured I was already up to my eyeballs in Twilight products and didn't need any more. But really, define "need" here: I know don't need it and that my piles of vampy stuff are getting a tad unmanageable, but I love it all and I'll keep the collection growing one way or another. In the meantime, I was hoping that you guys could give me a present. I realize that this will be a slightly belated gift and also that it's very kind of tacky for me to just tell you all what I want and then expect that you'll give it to me, but hear me out... What I want is something only you guys can deliver, and it won't cost you anything. I won't even have to give you my real name and address with my standard "send good stuff to this address but let me know if you're a crazy stalker and I will give you Jenny Jerkface's real name and address" spiel. Bonus!

What did you say your name was? Jack Torrence? Let me give you JJ's number...

So what do I want? I want 1,000 blog followers.

Sure, we've obsessed over seen the blog's recent traffic stats we know almost everyone is off doing holiday-related things, but how 'bout throwing us a Twilighty bone by taking a few minutes to navigate over to the right column of the blog and clicking "Follow"?? You'll be in excellent company imho by coming on board with the other nine hundred and some-odd ["odd" being the operative word] people who have already proclaimed their undying love to us! What am I gonna have to do to get you into this blog???*

The two are the same thing to me, jftr. I didn't know there were that many people out there I would actually like until I cast a really really wide Twitarded net out into the world!

Since my stocking inexplicably remained a Twilight-free zone this year--not even one little Vamp {{{sniffle-sniffle}}}--I'd love to hear if you fared any better! And for the record, I DID get gift cards for Christmas, and I plan on buying my own dang Twi-fix. So there, Santa.
* I've pimped her out before and I'll do it again if necessary...JJ will totally give sex favors if that's what it takes. Just don't tell her I said that - she'll deny it but she's slutty and she'll put out of you ask nice (or really dirty - that might work better, actually).

P.S. Having MORE than 1,000 followers will be excellent, too, so please don't wimp out on us when we hit the 1k mark - sign up! We [heart] our followers.

I'm An Unapologetic TwiPusher!

It probably won't come as a surprise to anyone (and I think I've discussed it here before) that I love love LOVE getting people I know into Twilight. I am a TwiPusher and damn proud of it! Granted, part of my motivation for spreading my addiction is a tad selfish. After all, if the majority of people I know love Twilight and obsess about it the way I do, then I'm normal. Right? Right?!

Don't worry, STY - there's nothing wrong with you that I can't fix...

Still, I guess I kind of forget sometimes that not every single person I know has read the series. Last night, Mr. Snarky's band was playing and I got a text from a friend I hadn't seen in a little while but who would be in attendance. Apparently, she had just gotten around to picking up the first book, and she'd essentially had the same reaction that we all had -
I just have to tell you that I started Twilight last night and I'm already on pg 334! Can't wait to see you tonight - bring Edward! xo
SWEET! I did bring Edward - he goes everywhere with me - and we hung out. Then I gave my newly-converted friend some Twitarded buttons so that she can go forth and spread the word...

Another friend of ours was playing the same gig with her band last night, and she had recently come across the blog, too (with a little help from Mr. Snarky). Honestly, I am a little sheepish at times when it comes to whom I share my obsession with in real life, mostly because I think some people might think I am totally nuts. Which I probably am... Ummm, make that "more nuts than they probably already think I am." She (and her s/o) gave me props on the blog, and I was absolutely flabbergasted. And really, really thrilled. We talked briefly and I found out that she has seen the movie but not read the book. And I felt a twinge. You know the one: it's the "I can covert this person!" promise of another potentially like-minded person on the verge. And I want to make sure that the Twilight takes, so to speak. Someone who has seen the movie and wasn't totally turned off to the whole thing has potential to become a full-fledged Twitard, imho. Sure, sure, she has infant twins and thinks she doesn't have time to read Twilight. I'm a realist and would have let it go at that, but then I read her blog and found out that she is playing FarmVille. Fuck it - if you have time for FarmVille, you have time for Twilight. I plan on leaving a shiny new copy of Twilight on her doorstep in the very near future. Nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, right?

You're cute, FarmVille folk, but you're no Cullen clan.

Being a Twitard is like being a member of one of those religious groups where you are compelled to go out and convert the unholy masses. And despite the fact that in the last year it would have been hard to avoid Twilight, there are still people out there who are in need of a friendly little push to get them on board. And I still love being the one to get them there! I feel like I have a renewed zeal for bringing people to the Twi-Side. I realize that at this point, most people who haven't already given the saga a try are actively avoiding it, but who doesn't like a challenge? I say "bring it!"

What about you? Have you given up? Are you still converting people? A select few?? Tell us about it in the comments!

Friday, December 25, 2009

From Us to You. Happy Holidays

Oh Hai, bitches.

We decided that we were going to do one great big "happy family" photo shoot to wish all of you the merriest of merry. As usual, it turned into a giant debacle but...

Thank you. All of you. We are amazed, shocked and waaaaaay beyond fucking pleased about everything that has happened this year. Seriously. We can't even begin to tell you how honored we are to be a part of this. I'd cry but it would totally ruin my mascara.

We figured you guys would enjoy the outtakes more than the actual finished product (which was lame and sucked and one of us may have been a little too drunk to continue) so hopefully this will make you snicker a little until we get a chance to chew the shit with y'all again.

So from us Twitarded bitches - we wish you and your loved ones the bestest, happiest festive season ever. Cheers, whore-flaps. We love you more than you may realize.

So, Mwah! Happy holidays,
Hugs and kisses,
and friends

Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's Almost Christmas. Where's the Porn?

It's almost Christmas time and cookies need to be made, presents [that may or may not have been bought yet] need to be wrapped, festive clothes need to be primped [if they still fit, stupid cookies] and the house needs to be cleaned from top to bottom so my family members don't realize what a total fail I am at being a house frau.

I don't WANNA set up the fucking tree!!! Master of the Universe JUST updated!!!

So, naturally, I've spent the afternoon surfing Twi-blogs while a big pile of unwrapped gifts loom disapprovingly [along with New Moon Full-Size Edward, for that matter] in the corner of my living room.

Fuck the holidays. I mean, I love them and all but they're putting a crimp on 'lazy time'. Oh, and speaking of fucking, that brings me to the next important X-mas Eve topic: Twi-porn, aka "the greatest time suck EVER."

Now, in my defense, I actually baked this morning. When I told Mommy (not a)Jerkface this she actually started cackling, so suffice it to say I'm not exactly Julia Child in the kitchen. In fact, it was only recently brought to my attention that the big black box with the window and metal racks that rests in my kitchen is not actually 'extra storage,' but rather an oven.

I learned two very important lessons during my baking adventure this morning:

1) Cookies turn into hockey pucks if you get distracted by, say, twi-porn and leave them in the oven too long. [note from STY: Mr. Snarky's nickname for me this last year has been "Bloggy McMealBurner - and I totally earned it.]

2) Apparently, touching raw oatmeal cookie batter makes me dry heave like a mother fucker.

Coooookies of ass destruction...


Somewhere in my travels down Procrastination Road I stumbled across the blog of the very talented Subtle Pen. For those who don't know, she writes a fic that I'm really digging called Aro's Heir. Essentially, the story picks up with the show-down at Volterra in New Moon except that Alice, Bella and Edward don't get to leave unscathed. It's a very different twist on our favorite saga and I was immediately drawn in. Her writing is excellent, but I have to warn you - there are some dark themes, especially in the beginning - but it's definitely worth giving a read. Unfortunately for me, I've only gotten through the first few chapters before RL sucked me back into its daily fuckery.

[Stolen from her]

While I was lurking Subtle Pen's blog, I found a post about another fanfiction: With Teeth by TalulaBlue. It sounded interesting so I figured I'd give it a chance...

Annnnnd two hours later I come up for breath. Seriously, this is an amazingly well-written story and well worth reading. There haven't been any lemons yet, but she fleshes out the characters to the point where their anxiousness in certain scenes is palpable.

So, if you need a break from the fam - and you will - grab your blackberry/iPhone and head to the bathroom for some alone time with Edward and Bella. If anyone dares to question your much-deserved alone-time in the potty, tell them you must have eaten a bad cookie or something. Probably that oatmeal one...

What the fuck? This takes 'hovering' to a whole new level...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Team Edward Vs. Team...Santa?

We got an email from a Twitarded reader earlier today posing an interesting question: who would you rather have slide down your chimney on December 25th - Edward or Santa?

Fine, fine - we'll give you "twinkly eyes" but what else you got???

Oh wait - I guess there's a lil' competition in the twinkle-eye department...

This is from Junie, who promised me she will sign up (and maybe even follow! we love followers!) so she can comment all proper-like (we love comments, too!) --

Team Edward vs. Team Santa: Seriously, Edward's a no-brainer - here are a few reasons why:

Santa never brought me that Snoopy Snow Cone machine I asked for in 1985. Edward brings his own icy treat!

I don't even have a fucking chimney. I have 3 windows in the bedroom I can leave open for Edward, but really my hubby can just let him in at the door as he heads out to do his last minute Christmas shopping.

I'm tired of sitting up until exhaustion takes me waiting for Santa to show when it is convenient for him. Edward would never treat me like a booty call, he would show up promptly at twilight, stay all night, and cook breakfast!

Thanks to Edward's diet, there's no need to waste time in the kitchen baking cookies all day. [Edward doesn't need to be bribed with cookies to do nice things!]

Edward doesn't need Rudolph to guide him...he'll just follow my scent, duh!

Robward really does have better whiskers!!!

Oh yeah we have a winnah in the Whiskers Smack-Down! Sorry, Santa...**

So what do you think?? Are you a traditionalist or are you hoping someone a little vampier sneaks into your house while you are sleeping and leaves you something under the Christmas tree this year??? Tell us what you think in the comments!

We also wanted to take a minute to let you all know that our blog-time may be a little sporadic over the next few days... I'm sure the time you'll be able to spend glued to your computer debating the merits of your fave YA saga and drooling over pictures of a hot twenty-three-year-old will also be a little curtailed... I would have posted a bunch of videos or something on the off chance that you will feign "stomach problems" and hole up in a far-off bathroom somewhere on Christmas day for as long as possible, but I've already got Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" on auto-play in my head and I refuse to listen to it again any time soon (yes, I get it, and that's all I want for Christmas too, but shut the fuck up about it already, Mariah. Thx).

Oh - and if you haven't already heard, Episode #9 of the TwiGasm Podcast - The Twitarded Shore - is now available for your listening pleasure! It's jam-packed with holiday goodness and us! For the sake of full disclosure, Jenny Jerkface and I do not have voices that will bring you pleasure, but Moira does! Oh and JJ is horrified to realize that she really does have a Joisey accent. Sorry, sweetie.

Pic from Why Not? Twilight, RPattz and Me's 12 Days of Robmas Sexy Stare "Hurry Down My Chimney Tonight" edition - aka Day #6 - go check out the whole thing if you need a Rob Porn pic - and you know you do! Click to enlarge - and then tell me what part of that tux is sticking out of his fly...

P.S. Thanks to Stoney G. Pumpkin from TwiSoup for giving us Twitarded gals a Christmas-y make-over - we love our new header!

The 12 Days of Christmas... Sort of

I can't sing. Seriously. I'm sure you could guess this if you heard my annoying fucking voice on the Twigasm podcast [which is available now! and we're on it! check it out HERE!] but, yeah, I can't sing.

Which is why I give a big-ball-salute to folks who can. Or, um, can't really but do it anyway (Hey! They said it first!). They get an even bigger-ball-salute if they record that shit and somehow manage to incorporate Twilight into the song because, let's face it, that's like the trifecta of hysterical. I mean, the only thing that would make it even funnier is if they also tied in the holiday season. I can't imagine any crazy ass bitches doing that.

Oh wait... yes, I can - Twi Soup...

These two ridiculously saucy chicks have taken it upon themselves to do their own little ditty - The 12 Things That Summit Did and it's fucking cute and rude all at the same time. Which is impressive (it's also impressive that one of them was barely recovered from a bout of swine flu when they recorded this)... Oh, and even fucking better - they totally called out Summit for doing a few particularly shitty things to yours truly! Take that, Summit, and shove it up your sparkly ass. Fuckers.

Oh, and speaking of big balls I was feeling a little nostalgic for a band I used to love when I was a teen [not datin' myself with this one. Nope, not at all...] and came across this video and just had to post it because it's just... kinda wrong. And SO funny.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Jacob's Doggy Birthday Greetings

As a small handful of you are now aware, I ran out of stationary while I was sending out the thank-you Twitarded buttons to the people who made donations to the Peter Fachinelli/Alex's Lemonade Stand fundraiser/auction. Despite the fact that I ran out of semi-nice paper and envelopes, I wanted to keep going and at least get out the last handful of buttons I had in my possession. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I ransacked my greeting card stockpile.

What? You don't have a stockpile of greeting cards? What's the matter with you?! I buy greeting cards randomly. Every time I need a birthday card or whatnot, I end up buying three other cards that I have no particular plan to use. Which is why I have a whole drawer filled with cards - Birthday, Valentine's, Mother's Day, Just Because, Get Well, Thanks!, Christmas Greetings - you name it, I have it. In multiples. A lot of these cards were bought years back and would probably never have been used (mostly because when I need a card, I go to the store, not the card drawer - go figure). So when I ran out of stationary, I had a MacGyver moment and I put them to use!

It turns out that I inadvertently sent a particularly Twi-appropriate card to Stan over at Twi-sted Edbrella. She thought it was so funny that she added her own special Stan twist to it!

If Hallmark isn't going to make Twilight cards, we'll take things into our own hands, dammit...

The funny thing is that I didn't even think about the dog/wolfy/Twilight/New Moon connection - I was so preoccupied with the fact that I owned a "Happy Birthday From The Dog" card when in fact I have never owned a dog that the Jacob-doggy thing was completely lost on me! You have to admit, it IS kind of baffling. I think my card "thing" might require profession help... [JJ's note - it's a massive stockpile. Seriously. I'm not sure who's going to end up on Hoarders first, STY or ML.]

Stan also wanted us to know that Chimpsten looooved her new Twitarded accessory - and I must admit she looks mighty fine sporting cartoon JJ & STY. If you didn't already send us pics of yourself (or someone of something near and dear to you like ol' Chimpsten here) sporting Twitarded gear of some sort, please email it to us so that we can add it to our Facebook page!

Chimpsten, you're so cute I'm not even a litttle jealous of the way you are all wrapped around Mini-Edward... OK, maybe I am a little jealous... I sorta wish I was Chimpsten-sized, actually...

P.S. To the few of you who are still waiting patiently (er, or not so patiently...) for your buttons, you should see them in the next few days. I am sorry it took me a month to get the last batch in the mail, but it was a hell of a month! And you probably already know that we don't get much done on time here in these parts...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Robert Pattinson's...Twin?! Methinks Not!

Me: Hey, Snarkier Than You, I've got the coals! Do you have the lighter fluid?
STY: Yup! Pour those coals right here and we'll wait until they get nice and hot...
Me: Awesome! [Hands STY a rake] You ready?
STY: You bet I am. Bring it on!

Sometimes we come across things that are "funny ha-ha." Other times we come across things that are "funny what-the-fuck?" This time, we've come across something that is "funny is-this-fucking-guy-for-real?!" I debated even doing this but... it has to be done. Sure, it's Christmas time and everyone's supposed to be all peace-on-earth-&-good-will-to-all-men and all that stuff. And we are. But we are making an exception...

To begin, let me clarify a point that will be important momentarily by stating the obvious: this is Robert Pattinson:


I mean, really, I don't need to tell you who this guy is! I'm pretty sure most of you close your eyes and see that chiseled jaw, that sexily mussed hair, and those come-hither eyes. Oh lawd, Robert Pattinson is sexy.

However, we've recently stumbled upon someone who not only claims to look like Robert Pattinson but... are you ready?... actually thinks he's better looking than RPattz.

We'll give you a few minutes to let that sink in. It's okay if you need a little time wrap your head around this nonsense. We understand - we'll wait.

Now, I still suspect this is a joke but, as STY pointed out, anyone saying “ I look like this person only better” when the person in question is like the hottest human alive is asking for it. And he's gonna get it.

Ooooh yeah, he's gonna get it.

Folks, meet the dude who is billing himself as "Robert Patterson's [sic] twin" -

Contemplating his next victim...
Just wait the world will know me soon
[Is that TOILET bowl cleaner behind him? Really? And did he steal Bella's bracelets?]

We didn't caption or title these photos, either [though we did leave our two cents in brackets]. We didn't have to - he's already done it for us. That's right: they're aaaaaaall him. And by "him," I mean "Robert Patterson's" egotistical, delusional [non]twin.

We're not including the link back to him here just in case he's tougher than he looks and comes after us...and also because even though we are skewering this guy, we don't want to actually psychologically maim any "Robert-Patterson-twins" in the making of this post. But after STY sent the link to me earlier today, I actually stared at these pictures for a good 45 seconds, stunned by the audacity of this guy.

And then I totally peed myself laughing.

I'm not sure what's bigger on this dude. His balls or his ego.

In The Woods
Fast as lighting.
["Fast as lighting"??? Nightlight? Flashlight? Indoor/outdoor x-mas light? And just how fast is 'lighting'?]

First of all, let me point out a few things about "Robert Patterson's Twin." If you think that you're the doppelganger of a famous actor, not to mention one who is currently SO hot that mere mortal women and their undergarments burst into flames at the sight of him, don't you think you would want to, I don't know, get his fucking name right? It's Pattinson, not Patterson, numnuts. Now, maybe you ARE trying to pull off being Robert Patterson's twin but I have no fucking clue who that guy is and the fact that you're wearing outfits that our favorite sparkly vampy brooder was wearing I'm going to go ahead and say... epic fail on the name, dude.

Secondly, not to point out the obvious here, but this fella does not look like Robert Pattinson. At. All. Not even after a pint of whiskey and some fucking peyote will this guy look like RPattz's twin. I'll go out on a limb and say that maybe, if I squint, there are some similarities. But no, twin of the Precious you are not.

Now, back to his balls. Or ego.

Remember how I mentioned earlier that the captions and titles of all the photos belong to Robert Patterson's Twin [RPT from here on out. I'm lazy]?

Robert Patterson Look Alike
Imagine what Robert Patterson would look like if he was perfect

I am not making this up, that's really what how he captioned this photo. Slut's honor. So, not only does RPT think he's RPattz's twin, he thinks he's the better looking of the two! I think if you look up "delusional narcissist" in the dictionary this picture is right next to it.

[Okay, this picture is just screaming "loooook at meeeeeeee!! LOOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"]

Fine, fine. I'm looking. Jawporn? Nope. Fingerporn? Def not. Piercing sexy gaze? Umm, I see piercing gaze but it's more serial killer than sexy.

Hey, listen, I'm not exactly smoking hot. In fact, I generally tend to slide down to the "cute" end of the scale, along with fucking puppies and shit but I also don't go around posting my picture up on the internet and boasting about how fuckhawt I am. This guy did. Which is why we feel the need to single him out for a good ol' Twitarded roasting.

Want more? Honestly, I think the captions are the icing on the, um, cake.

New Moon in the Moonlight
Imagine Robert Patterson but better looking

Uh huh. Suuuuuuure you are. Oh, btw, RPT have we introduced you to our the bad vampire? I'm sure you two could spend hours together, talking about how hot, fabulous, and godlike you both are...

I'm hotter than Robert Pattinson AND his (non) twin. So there!!

[Welcome back, Bad Vampire! Now go away again!]

Sunday, December 20, 2009

15 Step - Chapter 10 - Puny Human (Twilight Fan Fiction)

Hai there! I know it's taken me FOREVER to update this fic and I do apologize. Real life has been fucking with me these days.

Anyhoo - just the usual reminders. I don't own these characters, I just like to fuck with them. And occasionally have them fuck each other.

This story contains strong language, sex, drugs, violence and Rock N Roll. Though not necessarily in every chapter. 18 and older, please.

As always, thanks to the ever lovely, sometimes bitchy Snarkier Than You for proofing my story!! Mwah!

Without further ado...

Chapter 10 - Puny Human

A stony silence permeated the Volvo as Edward sped toward Forks, the trees along the highway a dark blur outside the windows. I glanced over at him, still clutching the bloodied paper towels in my hands. His jaw was a hard line, pulsing slightly, his eyes were narrowed and tight. I knew this was not a good sign.

“My nose isn’t bleeding anymore, Edward,” I said softly, cautiously. “I probably don’t need to have your Dad take a look at it.”

His cheeks hollowed as he sucked in his breath but said nothing.

“You had a good time at the show, didn’t you?" I tried to spark a conversation that wouldn't end up involving our altercation with James.

“Yes. But not afterward,” he replied grimly and it was my turn to suck in an irritated breath. At the sound, Edward's fingers curled tightly around the steering wheel as if he was trying to strangle it.

“No, not after,” I agreed. “But don’t worry about him.”

Edward barked a laugh, slanting his angry gaze in my direction. “Oh, no?” he answered dangerously. “I shouldn’t worry about a guy who just threatened you?”

“Edward, seriously, he’s just full of shit. I know guys like that. He’s all talk.” I gripped the wad of paper, rolling it around in my fist, wondering how I could talk Edward out of whatever he was thinking. I honestly didn't know what the big deal was about James. He was an arrogant prick who tried to toss his weight around, whether because he was older than us or because he had somehow deluded himself into thinking he was important, I didn't know. And I didn't care. At the end of the day, I was sure that James was nothing more than a loud mouth full of bravado. This bog is thick and easy to get lost in/ when you're a stupid,dumb ass, belligerent fucker/I hope it sucks you down...

“You don’t know that.” Clearly, Edward disagreed.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m pretty sure I do.” I returned flippantly.

“You know, Bella,” Edward’s tone hardened and dipped in temperature. “For someone who is so mistrustful of people in general, you really can be fucking naïve. You’re like a fucking magnet for danger.”

My stomach tightened as the all-too-familiar anger slowly unfurled itself in my belly, stretching like a beast after a long hibernation. “I am not naïve!” I brushed one hand roughly through my knotted hair as my other one clutched the soiled paper towels. I smelled like my blood and other people's sweat and I was sure I looked like someone had dredged me up from a cesspool. Edward, of course, was still casually, stylishly rumpled. He was probably the only person at the entire show who hadn't produced an ounce of sweat and, for some reason, this irritated me further and I scowled darkly at him.

The Volvo sped past street lights on the highway and Edward's lean profile blocked the fluorescence with its sharp angles. “You just had to get the last word in,” Edward shot back. “You just couldn’t walk away from that prick. Instead, you continued to provoke him.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” My nose throbbed and I bit back a groan.

Edward's lips twisted a grimace. “I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. All I’m saying is you walk around like you’re fucking invincible and end up doing really stupid things.”

"I do not!" I retorted hotly. "What was I supposed to do? Run away and cower behind you like a scared little girl? I can take care of myself, Edward." I groaned again as the aching began to spread and I rubbed at my temples.

Edward sighed and hesitantly reached out to me. “It still hurts?”

I recoiled from his touch. “Whatever.”

“Bella, stop being so stubborn all the time!” Edward's shoulders hitched in frustration and he gripped the steering wheel again. “You know I’m right. You should have just walked away but you didn’t.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling very much like a child who had just been scolded and, as much as I hated to admit it, Edward was probably right.

An image swept past my mind's eye of James, his eyes a glacial blue, calculating and wicked. My stomach knotted a little as I replayed his words, recalled the cruel smile curving on his sharp, hawkish features. Yes, I had dismissed James and, with a pang of alarm, I wondered how many others I had disregarded, how many other situations I had put myself in that could have turned out very badly. All those times I had wandered around the streets of Phoenix by myself, late at night, when Renee was nowhere to be found and boredom drove me from our small apartment. I wasn't a danger magnet. I had a death wish. You burn too bright/ You live too fast/ This can't go on too long/ You're a tragedy starting to happen...

I had no intention of enlightening Edward with my revelation and we fell into an uncomfortable silence, both of us lost in our thoughts.

Then Edward spoke up. “Are you mad at me?” There was a tentativeness in his tone that I had never heard before, marring the confidence I usually heard in his honeyed timbre.

“No,” I answered, surprised. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just… frustrated with the situation.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Me too. I know that guy is up to no good, Bella. He's not going to let it go, I saw it in his eyes. It's like a game to him--you have to believe me.”

“I believe you,” I replied honestly. Edward just nodded curtly as he navigated the car down the Cullen's long, winding driveway.

“Oh shit, the whole crew is here,” Edward grumbled. I looked out the window as the Cullen residence loomed in front of us and saw Rosalie’s very expensive looking red convertible, along with a yellow Porsche, better known as "Alice’s baby”.

“Great.” I didn't even bother to hide the displeasure in my voice as I opened the car door and stepped out, reluctantly following Edward toward the massive house. Our footsteps crunched beneath us, sounding loud compared to the soft soothing rustle of a late night wind that caressed the heavy foliage surrounding the driveway. Large leaves and fronds whispered out to me as we found the slate pathway and I wished I could sink down into their feathery folds, rather than head into what was probably going to be one of the most awkward situations of my life. There is nothing that screams "bad first impression" like a bloody and possibly broken nose when you're about to be introduced to your boyfriend's father. Oh baby, why am I worried now?/ Did someone make a fool of me/ Before I could show them how it's done?

Edward was oblivious to my consternation, kicking open the heavy wooden door that looked as if it would take an army and a few battering rams to break through.

“Carlisle!” he yelled, his voice echoing off the high ceilings. We were in the foyer and I hastily wiped my feet on the doormat, lest I get a single speck of dirt on the shining, spotless ceramic tile. A simple dark wooden bench sat like a sentry next to the door, sleek and modern with razor straight edges and a simple latticework back. Edward tugged at my frayed, stained gray backpack, which I was clutching to my chest like a security blanket, and threw it carelessly onto the leather cushion of the bench. A large, ancient-looking cross rested ominously near the foot of the stairs, stark against the light airy crispness of the house. He smiled sweetly at me, catching something in my expression that made him laugh faintly.

"Don't worry so much," he whispered. I opened my mouth, fully prepared to beg that he not take me upstairs in my state of disrepair, when I was cut off.

“Edward!” Emmett’s deep, booming voice bellowed back. “Dad’s in his study. Come play Wii with us.”

I could hear the chatter of Alice’s animated voice in the distance, followed by a quiet chuckle that clearly belonged to Jasper, and I suddenly wanted to go home. I was tired and in pain and wasn't sure if I could muster the energy needed to play nice.

The sharp click of heels against the floor grew louder as Rosalie rounded the corner and I stood there, frozen, wishing like hell it was anyone else but her. She glanced up at the last minute, her blue eyes widening in shock as she drank in my bedraggled appearance. In one split moment a flutter of emotion flickered across her face before she swung her gaze toward Edward, venom in her eyes.

“What did you do to her?” she demanded, stalking up to Edward. I stepped away, momentarily stunned as Rosalie straightened to her full height, looking both beautiful and menacing.

“I didn’t do it!” Edward replied, offended. “What the fuck, Rosalie?”

“Emmett!” she shouted. “Come here! You need to check this out.” Her full lips were drawn in a tight line and one curvy hip jutted our sharply as she placed her hands on her waist. It was a position that was both sexy and aggressive and only someone with ample curves could pull off. If I had done that, I would have looked like I was about to fall over sideways. For once, Edward said nothing and crossed his arms across his chest, meeting Rosalie's gaze unflinchingly.

I just stood there like an idiot, vaguely wondering why Rosalie was wearing four inch stilettos to play Wii at her boyfriend's house on a Saturday night and wishing I could disappear through the floor. Normally, I would have had some kind of sarcastic response to fling at her but my mind was a blank. I mulled over the possibility of a concussion.

A stampede of footsteps clambered down the hall and the next thing I knew Emmett was standing there, flanked by Alice and Jasper and every single one of them was staring at me with a horrified expression. Alice slapped a slender hand over her mouth, which had dropped open, her eyes wide. Even Jasper's eyes were completely open, rather than their usual half-mast, his lips quirked up into a bemused expression as he absently mussed his own unruly blond curls.

“What the fuck is going on?” Emmett’s confused gaze volleyed between Edward and I, his eyes growing large. “And what happened to you?” he asked me.

“As I was trying to explain to your girlfriend before she jumped to conclusions," Edward glared at Rosalie, who returned it, “Bella got hurt at the show. I was taking her to Dad to have her checked out.”

“Yeah, sure, that’s what happened.” Rosalie rolled her eyes haughtily and pointed her finger at Edward accusingly. “You sure that little ol’ temper of yours didn’t 'happen'?”

Suddenly it dawned on me what Rosalie was insinuating and I started to laugh. She looked at me incredulously.

“Do you honestly think Edward would be standing here with his testicles intact if he had hit me?” I asked bluntly. “I was in the pit and someone hit me. Or kicked me, I’m not sure really…” I trailed off as they continued to stare. “I look really bad, don’t I?”

My explanation appeared to temporarily mollify Rosalie and she relaxed slightly, though she was still staring intently at me as if she was looking for some sign that I was lying. Edward took me gently by the elbow. “Let’s get you cleaned up and looked at, shall we? I think this Spanish Inquisition is over.”

I gave Rosalie a pointed look before I let Edward lead me up a winding set of stairs to the second floor. He said nothing as he rapped his knuckles against a closed door and pushed it open without waiting for a response.

“Carlisle,” he said with a small smile, his fingers tightening a little when I balked. “Can you please take a look at Bella's nose? There was an... accident tonight.”

An incredibly handsome man sat behind a exquisite antique mahogany desk that was scattered with papers and x-ray charts. His hair was blond and slightly tousled, a more dignified version of Edward’s hair, though they looked nothing alike. His eyes twinkled with friendliness as he looked up with a pleased grin on his face...which disappeared immediately when he took in my appearance.

"Hi," I said weakly, feeling the heat burn my cheeks.

Immediately, Carlisle switched into "doctor mode." “What happened?” he asked as he strode over and sat me down in a chair. He didn't look up from me as he gave Edward orders. “And go get a towel and some warm soapy water. We need to wash the blood off.”

It was at that point I decided it was a good time to look at myself in the decorative mirror that was hanging on the wall. My hair was in gnarled tangles, tendrils still somehow stuck to the sides of my neck, where they had dried, mingled with sweat. My nose and mouth were smeared with dried blood and a smattering of blood trickled down my neck. My shirt had large, darkly ominous stains on the front. A bruise was already starting across the bridge of my nose and my right eye was swelling, obscuring the chocolate color of my iris beneath the pink, angry flesh.

“Holy shit!” I gasped at my reflection in horror. Then I realized that I just swore in the presence of Edward’s father and clapped my hand over my nose and mouth, sending a shooting pain through my face and very nearly swearing again. Instead I uttered a garbled yelp.

"It’s okay, Bella,” Carlisle laughed. “Both of my sons have said far worse than that. Now, let’s take a look at this nose, shall we?”

“Thanks, Dr. Cullen,” I muttered. Edward returned shortly afterward, an elegant ceramic bowl filled with water in his hands a cloth draped over his forearm.

“You can call me Carlisle.” He smiled at me as he took the bowl and cloth from Edward and carefully began wiping the blood from my face. His hands were warm and soft against my damaged skin and, though he was very gentle, I held my breath, waiting for the pain to strike me when he began to poke and prod at my nose. It never did and slowly, I began to relax.

“It isn’t broken but you are going to have one nasty bruise for a few days,” Carlisle announced when he was done with his examination. He glanced up at Edward, who was hovering behind me, a meaningful look in his eyes. “Anyone care to explain to me exactly what you mean by 'accident'?”

I recounted the story to Dr. Cullen, flushing a little as I explained exactly what I was doing flailing around in a crowd of rowdy boys. Unlike Rosalie, Carlisle seemed to accept my version of the story and, after he suggested I put some ice on my nose and take some ibuprofen for the pain and swelling, we were dismissed.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Edward asked as he rubbed my back. We were walking down the stairs, Edward one step behind me. His voice was soft but concerned.

“Do you have any whiskey?” I joked. “You know, to help with the pain.”

We hit the landing and I followed Edward into the state-of-the-art kitchen. He pulled out a sleek chrome stool and I climbed onto it, smiling a little as he brushed my hair back and, very delicately, kissed my cheek.

“That can be arranged,” he murmured lightly, his breath tickling my skin. “But first I’ll get you some ice for your nose.”

I groaned. “I can’t believe how terrible it looks. The rumor mill is going to burst into flames on Monday at school.”

“I wonder how long it will take Lauren to start telling people she punched you,” Edward chuckled as he opened a black and chrome refrigerator and filled a baggie with crushed ice. After wrapping it in a very expensive looking dish towel, he handed it to me and I rested it gingerly against my nose.

“I’m pretty sure she’ll be talking by second period,” I replied, my voice muffled under the cloth. “And then I’ll have to punch her in the nose for lying.”

“Judging by that bruise, I actually think you weren’t punched.” Edward scraped the stool next to me out from the counter and folded his lanky body into it. “I think you were probably kicked. Or got a serious elbow. I’ve been punched in the face quite a few times and I’ve never bruised like that.”

This was news to me. “Punched in the face quite a few times?” I repeated, incredulous. “You? I don’t believe it.”

A transformation swept across Edward’s regal features. His eyes iced and hardened, his expression became shuttered, closed down, even as his jaw pulsed with tension. Edward’s long lean fingers, which had been drumming the marble countertop were now curled into a fist.

“Believe what you want,” he said tightly, his voice emotionless. “But it’s the truth.”

I was moving into unchartered territory and knew I had the tread carefully. “Fights at school?”

Edward snorted. “Something like that.”

I paused, then brought the ice away from my face and placed it on the counter. Slowly, I coaxed Edward’s fist open and weaved my cold fingers through his. His hand closed tightly over mine but he still wasn’t looking at me; his gaze was trained somewhere far away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked hesitantly, unsure if I even wanted to listen.

“It was a long time ago.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know how to respond and we both floundered in the heavy silence around us. What's your story?/ I want to listen/ I can't fake pity/ I may not sympathize/ Twilights tailing/ Try my lies for size...

“Bella,” Edward said cautiously, finally turning to look at me. “I’m sorry. It’s a long story and I don’t feel like going into it now.”

“That’s okay,” I assured him. “I understand.”

Edward smiled sadly and I reached out with my free hand to stroke his cheek. He dipped his head to meet my touch and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

“I knew you would,” he whispered, warmth creeping back into his voice. He opened his eyes and studied me before releasing my hand and picking up the ice pack.

“Keep this on your nose,” he told me firmly. “Why don’t you go into the family room with the rest of the guys and I’ll get us some drinks.”

My heart dropped a little at the thought of walking into that room and having everyone staring at me and asking questions. “I’ll wait.”

“You should just go in there and get comfortable.” Edward looked perplexed. “I’ll be right there. Give me two minutes.”

“Well,” I countered, “I can wait two minutes.”

“Bella –“ Edward’s mossy eyes narrowed but his lips curved up into a smirk. “Wait a minute. Are you afraid to go in there by yourself?”

“No!” I exclaimed, grimacing as my the outburst sent a tremor of pain through my nose. “I just don’t… want to.”


I shuffled my feet. “I want to wait for you.”

“You are afraid!”

“No, I’m not! I just don’t want to talk to them. I don’t know what to say.”

Edward walked over to me and kissed my pouting lips. “You fucking kill me, girl. You have no problem being in a crowd of guys throwing random punches at each other. You’re totally fine with beating up Lauren, or cursing people out that you don't even know but you don’t want to go into a room full of friends?”

“They’re your friends.”

“Bella, they’re your friends, too. They aren’t going to bite.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. Edward smiled and helped me out of the stool.

Slowly, grudgingly, I made my way into the family room, feeling like a lamb going to slaughter. I had seven faces/ Thought I knew which one to wear/ But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights/ Training myself not to care...

Emmett and Jasper were standing in the middle of the room, clutching Wii remotes and staring intently at the huge flatscreen TV. Suddenly, Jasper made a motion like he was swinging a tennis racket, narrowly missing Emmett’s head, who backpedaled and flailed his arm, yelping.

“Fuck!” he bellowed and the girls laughed.

“You absolutely suck at tennis, lovey,” Rosalie chirped, grinning widely, her blue eyes twinkling. I lingered by the doorway and watched them for a moment. She was watching Emmett proudly, her full, luscious lips tilting upwards as she swept her golden locks from her her shoulder and they fell obediently, and beautifully, across her back in a flaxen wave. For the first time, I could really see just how beautiful Rosalie was when she looked at happy. Then she caught my gaze and her smile faded a little and she was back to regular stand-offish bitch Rosalie.

“Hey.” My voice grated over the syllable and I mentally cursed myself as I sidled past Jasper, letting the ice pack dangle uselessly in my hand. “Um, Edward told me to come in here.”

“How’s the nose?” Emmett asked, his eyes trained on the game. He whipped his arm again and the character on the TV mimicked the movement, connecting the with tennis ball and vaulting back into Jasper’s character’s court.

“Uh, it’s fine, thanks.” There were two couches in the room caddy cornered against the wall, as well as a leather recliner. I sat down stiffly in one of the oversized couches, as far away from the guys as possible, in case another errant elbow came my way. I could only handle one pummeling a day.

“Where’s Edward?” Alice twisted from her position on the other couch, next to Rosalie and smiled broadly at me.

“He’s getting drinks.”

“He better be getting drinks for all of us,” grumbled Emmett. Then, he yelled, “EDWARD, GET ME A FUCKING DRINK!!!”

“Christ, Emmett,” Edward’s droll voice rang through the doorway. “Can you yell a little louder?”

“Yes!” the others replied in unison.

I laughed as Edward rolled his eyes and came through the doorway with a tray full of glasses and Coca Cola cans. He put them down on a side table and Alice clapped her hands excitedly.

“You don’t happen to have anything along the lines of, say, alcohol, do you?” she asked, peering up at Edward with her wide, doe-like eyes.

Edward smirked as he placed the tray on an ottoman off to the corner and produced a flask from the back pocket of his jeans. I recognized it from our night in the meadow and knew it was probably full of whiskey. “Of course, dear Alice.”

“I knew it!” she crowed, sliding off the couch and deftly ducking as Jasper took another swing of the remote. "Who wants one?"

When Edward first started bringing me around his friends, I dismissed Alice as a perpetually cheerful, ultra girly goody two shoes. Then one day Edward and I arrived at his house and found Jasper and Alice lounging on the hood of a Mercedes, giggling crazily and smoking a very large joint. Apparently, I'm not a very good judge of character.

"I do!" everyone replied. Alice swiftly poured the whiskey from the flask and began filling the glasses up with Coke. Rose leaned over and grabbed one, wrinkling her nose a little at the strong scent of alcohol.

I pulled myself from the comfort of the couch and picked my way between Emmett and Jasper, whose controllers dangled safely from their wrists. I was reaching for my own glass when there was a noise from the hallway and Alice grabbed the flask before bouncing back to the couch, where she shoved it between the two cushions and settled her body over it.

A very pretty, sweet looking woman entered the room, light honey-brown curls framing her heart-shaped face. She was small and slender but shared Emmett's brown, friendly eyes. My heart picked up speed and I straightened quickly, trying to step away from the contraband drink but there was no where to go. We were busted, I was sure of it. I wondered if she would call Charlie and rat me out.

"I heard there is a new addition to the gang," she said, her voice a lilting contralto.

"Mom, this is Bella," Edward introduced us and I quickly swapped the ice pack I had been holding from my right to left hand in order to shake her hand.

"Hi," I mumbled. "Nice to meet you. Um, sorry about the cold hand."

"Bella, call me Esme." Her smile grew impossibly wide, the corners of her eyes crinkling up. "It's so nice to finally meet you. How are you feeling?"

I stared dumbly at her for a moment before I realized she was talking about my nose and not the fact that I was standing in front of my boyfriend's mother for the first time wearing a blood-stained t-shirt, not to mention the whiskey and Coke next to me.

"It's okay... Esme," I replied as politely as I could, my face burning with mortification. "A bit sore, but Dr. Cullen says it will be fine."

An awkward second ticked by and I chewed my lip nervously as I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I felt the fake smile plastered on my face but couldn't find a way to make it go away.

Alice slid up next to me, grinning at Esme. "Esme, did you get the new Anthropologie catalog this week?" she asked, apparently taking pity on me and deflecting Esme's attentions. I mouthed a silent thank you as Esme focused on Alice.

"I did!" she exclaimed. "Did you see that sweater with the beautiful lace pattern down the back?"

"I loved it!" Alice chirped back, swinging her arms and looking extremely innocent. "Do you have the catalog? There was something I want to show you..." Her voice trailed off as she hooked arms with Esme and they both disappeared from the room.

"Alice is a clothes whore and so is my mother," Edward explained as I stared, confused, at their retreating figures.

"Oh," I answered. "I thought they were talking about science or something. You know, like digging up dinosaurs."

Jasper guffawed. "No, it's some really expensive store that sells strange frilly girly crap that Alice loves."

I shrugged. "Sounds... well, sounds like Alice." I grabbed a drink and was making my way back to the couch when Emmett stuck out his hand and offered me the Wii controller.

"Hey, Bella do you want to play?"

"No thanks, Emmett," I told him, sipping my drink and plopping back down into the couch. "I think I've done enough damage to myself for one day. I'm going to stay away from swinging arms for the rest of the night."

Emmett chuckled. "Fair enough. I don't blame you."

A few minutes later, Alice came back into the room, looking very pleased with herself.

"You're welcome, everyone," she said, winking at me as she dropped onto the couch next to Rosalie. "I think I deserve some props for running parental interference tonight."

Rosalie stared at her, one perfectly sculpted brow cocked. "Do you want a fucking cookie?" she asked, her voice sharp but teasing.

"Nope. But you can massage my feet." Alice moved swiftly and let one bare foot fall into Rosalie's lap. Rosalie's eyes widened in horror and she grimaced, staring at Alice's foot as if it were a rotting, dismembered appendage.

"Ew!" Rosalie shrieked, slapping at Alice's shin. "Get your filthy fucking feet off of me, you bitch!"

Alice only laughed as Rosalie tried to squirm away from her foot.

The couch dipped under Edward's weight as he sat down and he smiled at me.

"Rosalie hates feet," he explained. "She totally freaks out. It's really funny."

At that moment Rosalie jumped up from the couch, her face red, her features twisted with disgust. "Mary Alice Brandon you're such a cuntface sometimes. I swear to God!" She gave a shiver and turned to face Edward and I.

"Move," she demanded as she sat down next to Edward, who gave a grunt of complaint as she squished herself between his body and the arm of the couch.

Alice drank deeply from her glass and stretched her tiny body across the space that Rosalie had occupied moments before, smirking.

"Jasper, can I play winner?" she asked sweetly, lifting her leg in the air and wiggling her toes. Her tiny little ballet shoes were abandoned on the floor and Alice had a huge Cheshire grin on her face, which grew even bigger as Rosalie growled.

"Stop it, Brandon," Rosalie warned. Alice wriggled her toes again, stretching a little as she swung her leg out, her bare foot hovering a few feet away from us. The cuff of her jeans rose slightly, revealing a narrow ankle that had a delicate silver chain wrapped around it.

"Rosalie," Alice could barely keep the mirth out of her voice and failed at making a serious face. "It's time you conquered your irrational fear of feet. I'm helping you, just think of it that way."

"I'm not afraid of feet, you ass-clown!" Rosalie snarled, shrinking back into the couch as far as she could go. "I just think they're disgusting and ugly."

"Darlin', stop harassing Rose," Jasper finally cut in, trying to restore the peace. His soft, mellow voice was comforting and he was grinning lazily at his girlfriend, who smiled back.

I'm just trying to help," Alice repeated, innocently.

"The next time you help I'm going to put MY foot up your ass," Rosalie threatened.

Edward snorted. "I think we may have finally found Rose's Kryptonite, folks."

"You stay out of it, Cullen." Rosalie turned her scowl on Edward.

"Be nice to me or I'll make you rub my feet. Alice's feet are adorable compared to mine." Edward grinned widely and Emmett chuckled.

"Trust me, baby, Edward really does have some nasty ass feet. Seriously ugly," Emmett told Rosalie.

"So they look just like his face," Rosalie retorted.

"Watch it, Rosalie," Edward shot back. I laughed quietly and downed the rest of my drink. My face was still aching, my one swollen eye tearing slightly. I reclined my head and closed my eyes, listening to their chatter and wishing I could jump in. Slowly, the pain in my nose began to fade and I sighed.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I felt was Edward's breath against my cheek, tickling slightly.

"Hey, Bella," he whispered. "It's getting late and you look pretty tired. Why don't I take you home."

"'Kay," I mumbled back, yawning. When I finally opened my eyes I realized that we alone. Edward kissed me gently, careful not to nudge my nose.

"Charlie is going to flip when he sees you," Edward mused as he pulled me to my feet, enveloping me in his warm arms, stroking my tangled locks with one hand.

"Nah," I sighed, tiredly. "He'll get over it."

"Come on, kid." Edward ushered me out of the living room and helped me into my coat, which I had left on the bench by the front door, along with my backpack. Before I could grab it, Edward scooped it up and led me to the car.

The air had grown chilly and damp and as we trudged our way to the Volvo, I yawned tiredly again. Once Edward was satisfied I was safely ensconsed in the vehicle, he slammed the door, walked around to the drivers side and folded himself in. It took a few minutes for the car to warm up enough to put the heat on, but once it was working, Edward tilted the vents in my direction and we headed back to Charlie's.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" he asked as he drove. My iPod was still humming contentedly in the background, soothingly.

"Sure," I replied. "But are you sure you want to? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm going to look fucking scary tomorrow."

"Bella, you will always look beautiful to me," Edward admonished and I blushed. "I was watching you tonight at the show, you know. It was hard to see you in that crowd but you looked amazing out there. So sexy. And happy."

"Mmm." I leaned my head against the window, smiling. "I was most definitely happy tonight. Well, before I got a boot to the face. That part didn't make me happy."

Edward gave a sad chuckle. "I wish I could make you that happy," he mumured.

I stared at him in silence, processing his words. "You know what Edward?" I said slowly, surprise ringing with each word. "I think you do."

As always, thanks for reading! It looks like Bella is starting to realize she doesn't always have to be her own island, though she's definitely not very comfortable with 'the crew.'

As always, lyrics (song, artist)

Title - Puny Human - Deadguy

Swamp Song - Tool
Red - Elbow
Middle Cyclone - Neko Case
Can't Stop - Elbow
NYC - Interpol