Twilight Perfume: One Part Urine, Two Parts Bile

So it's kind of a slow day at the office and Jenny Jerkface all but double-dared me to go to Hot Topic so that I could take pictures of my Edward action figure (much more on him to follow in future posts, like it or not...) with Twilight merchandise. Ideally without getting arrested for shoplifting, or maybe I'd just done something that pissed JJ off recently? I'm not sure... Anyway, I took advantage of the fact that the store was nearly empty save for a somewhat buxom and heavily pierced teenage salesgirl (who was very pleasant, btw) to get my hands on the Twilight perfume. It was, unfortunately, locked in what appeared to be a bulletproof glass case, or maybe that's just what's required to keep a fifty dollar item from disappearing into the pockets of nefarious teens who really really want to attract their own personal Edward but don't want (or don't have the means to) cough up the dough. Clearly, some of them may resort to desperate measures. Well, I can tell you definitively that nothing could possibly be attracted to this perfume. Use it as a repellent of some sort, maybe. It's that bad. Vile, in fact. I accidentally got some of that shit on me while I was giving it a whiff and my eyes are still watering.

This should have been the most simple perfume EVER to formulate - the Twilight books go into great detail about how mouthwateringly delicious everyone smells. You'd think maybe Stephenie Meyer has some sort of an odor fetish or something. But is should have smelled like lavender and freesia. Period. Last time I checked, both are actual plants, each with a distinct fragrance. It's not like the scent was something ambiguous - we're not talking "ocean" or "woods" or any other less definable odor that might fall victim to subjectivity.

I was hopeful. Truly. There were mixed reviews online; some people said it smelled good, some said it was awful. Someone opined that it smelled like soap. I like soap! So I was expecting a subtle, clean smell. And while on some level I was also hoping that it would smell like death so that I wouldn't want to buy it and be forced to confess to wearing Twilight perfume should someone ask me, I really wanted to like it. I should admit that I despise most fragrance and have told JJ (and almost everyone else I know) on numerous occasions to get away from me when she has over-spritzed. But I adore lavender. Stuff that smells like the actual plant. My neighbor had lavender growing in her garden last summer, and despite the fact that it scratched the piss out of my car every time I went in or out of my driveway, I didn't say anything because it smelled so damn good. I am willing to bet the farm that whatever was used to make this awful concoction is not even vaguely related to anything organic. More like they just found an old vat of Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" perfume in a storage unit somewhere and repackaged it in a rip-off reproduction of a Nina Ricci bottle - "Nina" by Nina Ricci bottle is on the right, Twilight perfume on the left (image courtesy of Now Smell This).

My suggestion?? If you're also dying to smell as divine as your favorite Forks residents, try THIS instead - maybe they got it right! I haven't smelled their products and I'm not affiliated in any way other than mutual Twitardation, but their products have GOT to smell better than the "official" fragrance. A little Eau de Edward, anyone? Hmmm... Maybe just a little dab here on my neck...