Thursday, January 15, 2009

Twitard With a Vengence!

Hello, my name is Snarkier Than You, and I am a Twilight addict. As is the case with many an addiction, it all started innocently enough... Unless you are a complete recluse living off the grid in a vowel state somewhere, it would have been impossible to be unaware of the frenzy surrounding the movie adaptation of the book. I'll admit that I am a johnny-come-lately to this whole scene, but when I read a huge magazine feature on the film and the fans, I was intrigued. After doing a bit of trolling on the internet and discovering holy crap there are a gazillion teenage girls out there going absolutely ape-shit over this, I'll admit my curiosity was piqued. And then along came the catalyst: Jenny Jerkface emailed me to ask if I was aware of all the brouhaha. And I admitted to being maybe a tad interested and perhaps in slight danger of getting sucked in. She bought the first book, ostensibly for the purpose of figuring out how she could dumb things down enough in her own writing to pen something that would also sell 10 million copies, and because it's no fun to obsess alone, she insisted I read it, too (enabler!!).

In less than a week, I had devoured every last hokey, stereotypical word in those books. All 2,379 pages of them. I didn't read anything else, I left phone calls and emails unanswered, I was barely functional at work (if you call reading "Midnight Sun" online functional, then I was plenty functional), contemplated the potential merits and pitfalls of reading while driving, and essentially ignored anything non-Twilight-related.

I was absolutely mortified by how much I enjoyed the entire series (even the second time...). Finding out I was in good company and that there were a million other people out there with the same dirty little secret was heartening, though. Even the dude who wrote "Freakonomics" was unable to resist and made the astute observation that the series is the literary equivalent of a candy bar--and we're not talking fine Swiss chocolate here. Sometimes you don't want 80% organic cacao with crystallized ginger and saffron essence. Sometimes you just want a Twix.

To help quantify the insanity and for the sake of full disclosure, I am 40. Not house-frau/bedroom-community-living/minivan-driving/breeder-type 40, but still 4-0. I have a fantastic husband who has done an admirable job of humoring me during this difficult time and keeping his sideways glances to a minimum, and I am ok with the fact that the odds are against his being able to make me an immortal. But I haven't had such giddy, age-inappropriate, Tiger-Beat-worthy/crush-like feeling since "My So-Called Life" first aired and Jordan Catalano brooded his bad-boy way into my heart (and I was reminded how cool high school should have been but wasn't). It may not be possible for me to cover my locker with Twilight-related detritus, but I'm actively channeling my inner hormone-addled teen and riding this high for as long as it lasts (how long does it take to make three movies? a few years? about that long, then).
[Countdown widget courtesy of the nice folks at His Golden Eyes.]

Does all of this make me certifiably nuts? Absolutely! But it's been relatively harmless (I am ok with the resulting quantum leap I took on the dorkometer as well as the ensuing loss of an IQ point or two) and endlessly entertaining. Jenny and I are all but peeing ourselves every time we're being completely ridiculous and watching bad fan-made youtube clips and spoofs. So WHAT if her coworkers think she is insane because she is laughing herself to near asphyxiation on a daily basis? YOU try watching "Dimlight" in silence - it's just not possible. Or when we're trying to muffle our hysterics during scenes of the movie that are supposed to be serious (yes, that strange choking noise you heard throughout the "sparkle" scene was probably us...), donning "Team Edward" wristbands that we will never wear outside of our own company, or pondering the question of exactly how vile the Twilight-inspired perfume is likely to smell (and whether we're eventually going to shell out $48 to find out). I would be absolutely appalled by the legions of women going berserk over Twilight were it not for the fact that I am - unequivocally and without apology - one of them. Maybe someday I will seek professional help for this problem (and maybe--ahem--a few others), admit that I have lost control, turn myself over to a higher power, yadda-yadda-yadda, but for now? TWILIGHTTWILIGHTTWILIGHTSCREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


  1. this post is exactly how i feel about my twilight obsession. my bffs and i did the same "share a book and end up having to buy the series to finish that week" routine as you two did. we are slowly coming out of the closet so to speak, but even being college educated twenty somethings we are terribly embarrassed. its all we talk about anymore! on the plus side of being an older twilight fan, drinking games while watching the dvd is some of the most fun we've had. ever.

    i will be using that candy bar analogy from now on. nothing else seems to make sense to non twi-hards.

    your blog is really great. cant wait for more.

  2. Thanks, KT! I admit it, it's confounding - and embarrassing! - it's not any easier being an older-than-twenty-something addict... Well, maybe a little - I guess I care slightly less what other people people think of me these days. So there's that! But you are in good company, as I am sure you've seen, and I haven't had this many laughs over anything in years, so I'll take it!
    : )
    P.S. check out EtomyB's [Edward To My Bella's--on our blogroll] blog for more kindred spirits...

  3. It can be slightly embarassing to be over 20ish and SO INTO the twilight saga. But then again - I'm not really into other people making fun of me...well other than my hubby! and the way he makes fun of it is sweet :)

  4. I can relate to yucking it up with my pal when we hang out. True story, we went out for drinks and ended up talking about anything twilight related for 3 hours. Man I love that chick, and this blog!

    KT : This movie drinking game intrigues me. What are your rules?
    One may imagine it something like this:
    -Drink when Bella chokes on words
    -Take a swig every time Edward does that half grin we love so much. (Squeee!)
    -Chug the length of a love struck stare
    -Edward plays Mr. Tough Guy and scowls
    -Bella blinks a billion times to keep her eyes from falling out
    -If someone recites a line, they much take a shot.

    Dear lord, I would be wasted in 15 minutes.

  5. Well...your summation of your fixation was so parrallel to my own that I had to post something. I never post. I never comment on anything...but you have inspired me! As like you, I myself contemplated reading while driving...but I had to quickly dismiss the idea for the fact that I get car sick just looking in my pocketbook. I am a 35 year old addict, and have become 'robsessed' to the utter humiliation of my three children and husband. I bought the first book, and before I was finished...and for fear of being left without the sequels in the middle of the night...I bought all three others and finished them in a week. My kids were in dirty clothes and we all ate chinese for too many days...but I was satisfied. I met my first realization of my addiction when I was at the counter of Border's buying my three sequels, when the 18 year old boy behind the counter invited me to a twilight reading party that night at the store. I thought about it...for too long! Then again...I also though about waiting outside of Borders wearing my Slytherin cape the night before 'Deathly Hallows' came out, but I thought about this longer.
    ANYWAY....I can relate, but I have to remain in the closet, because I do not have an obsession partner. Therefore, I will be bookmarking this site and getting my daily laugh out loud fix from your brilliant writing. As a side note...I also finished a novel that I thought could sell 10 million copies...but I couldn't even get an agent. What I might try next is to get my cosmotology license so I can land a job spraying sparles on everyone in Breaking Dawn. I can dream.

  6. @MaggieMay - Hi there!!! Thanks for posting & you have definitely come to the right place - lol... Glad you found us - you'll find plenty of people here to share your obsession and sooner or later it'll hardly matter that some of them don't even live on the same continent.

    I got handed an invite to the Hot Topic DVD release party and I am sure my face looked about the same as yours did when you were invited to the Twi reading party - haha!

    Oh and don't forget that Stephenie Meyer had her manuscript rejected numerous times before she found a publisher! (and I don't know for sure but JK Rowling probably did, too.)

    : )

  7. Oh my gosh - could this blog BEEE any better?!

    >>I haven't had such giddy, age-inappropriate, Tiger-Beat-worthy/crush-like feeling since "My So-Called Life" first aired and Jordan Catalano brooded his bad-boy way into my heart<<

    I was OBSESSED with that show. I used to have the lyrics to Jordan's song "red" taped to my door, I wrote a letter to Claire Danes telling her how our lives were exactly the same (and I got a response from her!), and I even own the series on DVD.

    I love this blog so much words can't describe it. Well, maybe the fact that I'm going through all the posts and reading stuff from January gives you a hint.

    Thanks for being so rad!

  8. @Miss Amy Ripp - Thanks!!! & yay - people really DO read the archives!! This always makes us very very happy! And yes, I was totally obsessed with MSCL... I could not believe it only lasted the short while that it did - ah, but the good ones are always the first to go, right? {{{sigh}}} That's so cool that Claire Danes responded to you - she's always seemed pretty awesome.

    Thanks for commenting & for the bloggy lurv!

    : )

  9. Well hell I guess it is safe to come out lol. I am 43 years old and was slow to achieve my twilightgasm. But damn when I got,I got it bad. And ladies, if you have read the books, try downloading the audio books...a whole other level.
    I still feel like a perv because rob is sooo young but I keep telling myself, at least he is legal!
    Glad to see I am not alone and love reading your blog!si

  10. Yup - it's totally safe here - welcome!

    : )

    And yes, almost everyone here is "Team Edward" and not "Team Underage Guy" - lol...

  11. Thanks for giving your age- it helps to know I'm not alone. :) (age 36)
    I'm still in the closet to most people who know me- maybe one day I'll be as cool as you two and be able to come out to the world at large. ;)

  12. I am so glad I found this blog. I am a 40 year old Twilight ADDICT. I have read the books 4 times each. Today I just downloaded the Twilight Soundtrack...pathetic, pathetic, pathetic!

    You guys are so funny - thanks for coming out of the closet so that the rest of have a place to go.

  13. Why am I posting to an OLDER than shit message board...? Well, for shits and giggles and to manage the deluge of boredom I am currently lamenting over the holidays, I decided it a good idea to re-read New Moon (which i started after I saw NM on opening double feature night) mostly so I could bitch more about things I hated...and then their were all of the times I could not remember exactly what the fuck Eclipse was about...and now I'm screwed. I ate Eclipse in two days while trying to keep myself appearing sane to my live in BF and now I'm on the cusp of Breaking Dawn. I have shit to do next week. So, I decided to get my Twitard on old-school style to match where I am in the series. Wish I had been here from the start...

    Thanks for creating a community.

  14. I just found your site and I LOVE IT!! I discovered Twilight one year ago this month, and am definitely old enough to know better (50 last fall on September 16 - three days after Bella's birthday). Your story is my story. My kids and husband tolerate me with a lot of eye-rolling. I haven't found a friend locally who's similarly obsessed, and so will be avidly reading you all. Love the captions to the New Moon stills -- I had a good laugh over breakfast over the truck bed comment. Thanks for being here!

    Is there a way to join without generating a Facebook post? I'm not that brave.

  15. @Lovespurple- WELCOME!!

    You can make a fake Facebook page. As long as your name sounds reasonable they won't pick up on. Thus the Jenny Twitarded rather than Jenny Jerkface on Facebook. Apparently "jerk" is a trigger word. ;)

    Or, become a follower of the blog and join the darkside!! It's sparkly, dirty, crass and TONS of fun. Promise. :)

  16. Thank you so much, now I have a way of explaining my obsession to my husband. Being a 40 year YOUNG mom, I too came to Twilight only recently. I have to defend myself to my son and his Scout buddies. But in the words of Happy Harry from the movie "Pump Up the Volume" SO BE IT!


  17. @coupon_mom - welcome to our twisted little world - lol!

    and i haven't thought about "happy harry" in AGES! already have the soundtrack playing in my head and i HAVE to put that movie in my netflix queue STAT. wtf ever happened to christian slater, anyway??? huh...

    : )

  18. I no longer work. I come to the office to read Twitarded. Discovered you guys a few months ago thanks to Osa Bella (which I found after a random search for Quileute legends). And now I'm hooked. I am now starting from the beginning and going through the archives (again I should be working, ho hum).

    I can't believe you brought up My-So-Called-Life! I was living that program while I was watching it except that my broody bad-boy hotty was actually not so much bad-boy or hotty on reflection...just bloody, boringly, broody. Loved that show though!

    I manged to stave off the Twilight addiction until the middle of this year (2010). Maybe being a South African we weren't as bombarded with the frenzy (no wait that was me ignoring it) Oh I saw the movies, wasn't that taken in, but then my sister started reading the books (I have commented already on this freak phenomenon on a Myg post and a JJ post), and then I read it just to get it over with. And then I read New Moon. And then I bought the last 2. All within a few weeks. I have just finished the series for the 2nd time (surely not the last). Like I said to Myg I am sure SM found a way to put subliminal messages in her books, cause I just don't understand it! FanFiction is just a way to get the next fix.. Yes I have discovered that too, thanks to the Twi-Madams!

    I am not sure this is healthy, but I'll stick to Twitarded! Its just too great.

    Enjoyed the Ffffooooorrks posts too. You guys were in Forks, I was in Swaziland. Worlds apart but I tried to keep up.

    Thanks to STY, JJ, LKW and the rest of you!


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