Thursday, April 9, 2009

Vampires Shouldn't Have Five O'Clock Shadow.

JJ and I were out shopping the other day, and after purchasing a replacement copy of "Eclipse" (we have no clue what happened to the original - I'm betting ferret ran off with it), we wandered into Michael's [this store is a crafter's emporium, for those of you who don't have one in your neck of the woods] because we each thought we needed something from there, but we couldn't quite put our fingers on it. Undaunted by our collective brain fart, we strolled the aisles, alternately threatening to buy each other BeDazzelers and debating the merits of DIY vs. Cafe Press for our covert Forks High t-shirts. And I picked up some temporary tattoo transfer printer paper, mostly so that I can see the look on DH's face when I show him the word "Lamb" faux-inked on my inner wrist (it will get better still when I tell him he has an appointment to get his "Lion" tat - lol! DH is not a fan of needles...).

Anyway, we had made it as far as the graphic art department where they have picture frames, framing supplies, prints and the like when my Twidar went berserkers and I practically tripped over myself (and JJ) making a beeline for the posters.

I grabbed the first one in the bin - it was the screen-cap from the movie where Edward's just saved Bella from being squished! I LOVE that scene! Who doesn't?!

(I refuse to enlarge this. For your sake and mine. Because I love you like that.)

And then I took a good, hard look at it. And was vaguely horrified. You have to understand that this is a 2' x 3' poster of just their faces. They are HUGE. To put it in perspective, Robward's nostril is two inches across. The ipod earbud in Bella's ear is four inches long. You can see EVERYTHING. Moles. Freckles. Stubble. The works. Even in this mini reproduction, you can clearly see random loose threads springing from Edward's jacket. It's all there - every tiny detail. Like it or not. So the conversation went something like this -

Snarkier Than You: [shoves JJ out her way; hones in on unexpected treasure trove of Twilight merchandise] LOOK!!! TWILIGHT stuff!!! YAY!!!
Jenny Jerkface: OOOFF!! OW!! How did you even see that???
STY: [rifling through posters] SQUEE!! Look at this one - it's "The Stare"!! You don't think DH would mind if I get this and stick it in my closet with my other not-hung-up posters, so you???
JJ: In the closet? Really?! I say hang it on bedroom ceiling!
STY: Awesome idea! Oh wait!! er, I think this may be a little TOO close-up for comfort... I hate when I can see their contact lenses and -- Ew! What, was there NO retouching done here?! wtf - he could have shaved...
JJ: [looking at uber-doctored movie-promo Edward, oblivious to my non-photoshopped dilemma] Doesn't Edward look SO angry in this one? {{{swoon}}}
STY: I see pores! And blackheads! OME is that nose hair? WTF?!?
JJ: Oh c'mon it can't be that --- OH MY GAWD! Don't show me that! What is WRONG with you?! You're ruining everything! What have you done?!
STY: Look - you can actually SEE where his unruly eyebrows are growing back - bring in the on-set waxer, STAT!
JJ: Stop!!! I can't take this!! [covers eyes, runs towards exit; STY drops poster, flees the store with JJ]

So delicate reader, in short: please stay away from this poster. Yes, I am sure you've seen the image, but have you ever REALLY looked at it??? And before anyone gets on my case, I am not picking on R-Patts. Or even K-Stew, in this one instance (to her credit, her skin is practically flawless - even this close-up. With hardly a trace of make-up. I am totally jealous and hyper-aware that I don't have 19-year-old skin anymore). But they're only human. Got it. I own a magnifying mirror, and fully recognize the fact that if you blew up a picture of my head to this size [did I mention that it's a really really BIG poster?], it would look like a fuzzy relief map of the moon. I'm really just perturbed that good ol' NECA has done it again and been such cheap bastards that they couldn't even spring for a two-bit airbrushing job before they unleashed a gazillion posters that show every hair follicle in sharp relief upon us. Well done - I am freaked out (JJ is too, and she's far from the squeemish sort - trust me).

P.S. On a brighter note, we came across THIS gem of a fuzzy-wuzzy-puffy-poster-thingy: absolutely boo-ful, don't you think (Edward certainly thought so)?! If JJ can ever bring herself to tell me where her brother [the Unicorn!] lives, I am going to mail this to him. Anonymously. And then JJ will tell me if Mommy [not a]Jerkface can keep a straight face or if she will collapse in hysterics when BJ calls to discuss this mysterious parcel he'd received (be strong, Mommy [not a]Jerkface! You can do it!)...

6 comments:

  1. That's utterly...tragic!

    Edward is suppose to be flawless.

    Who ignored the memo?...pssht..probably an intern. *gasp* a Twi-hater intern! I knew it. A HAIRY Twi-hater intern. Bastard.

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  2. It was just... really kind of gross. I now am forced to live with the knowledge that RPatz's eyebrows actually start in the middle of his forehead.

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  3. All of that junk is the reason I don't watch my movie on my laptop anymore - you can totally see the unfun stuff like Rob's roots when they didn't redye it, definitely all the stubble, how his sideburns are kinda nasty sometimes ... um yeah, I'd rather watch it from farther away on the TV where I can imagine the perfectness :)

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  4. I watched the movie w/the commentary last night and Rob was cracking me up! He was raggin on himself so bad about his sideburns, eyebrows and bouffant!!! Especially in the Port Angeles scene when he rescued Bella from the creepos.

    I need to go to Michael's now and get some of that tatoo paper...that's too cool!

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  5. Yup, I guess high resolution isn't all it's cracked up to be - lol!

    At least it looks like - from the on-set coverage floating around out there - that they've toned down the craziness, looks-wise, that a few of the scenes in Twilight had going on... Then again, there was a campiness to Twi that I loved on some level! I might miss it if it's gone in New Moon. A little.

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  6. Yup, I guess high resolution isn't all it's cracked up to be - lol!

    At least it looks like - from the on-set coverage floating around out there - that they've toned down the craziness, looks-wise, that a few of the scenes in Twilight had going on... Then again, there was a campiness to Twi that I loved on some level! I might miss it if it's gone in New Moon. A little.

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