Tuesday, May 19, 2009

How to Be - A Movie Review (The Twitarded Way)

Er, may possibly contain spoilers? Most likely not, though.

Last night STY came up with the fantabulous idea of forking over seven bucks to get How To Be** on On Demand Cable. Naturally, I agreed (because ML pays the cable bill) so I popped the cork off a bottle of vino and set up the TV.

How to Be was about 88 minutes long but, as a general rule, when STY and I watch movies we usually need to block off three or four hours. This is not my fault. Just sayin'...

Unexpectedly, STY brought some friends with her to watch the movie and chaos ensued, ending only when I was on the ground attempting to take pictures and ML flung his hands up in defeat and retreated to the kitchen, where he was ostensibly watering down the alcohol supply and putting slow-acting poison in my yogurt.

You're not seeing double there - that's Edward, Sunglasses Edward and Bella!! Talk about a menage a trois! Two Edwards at once? Bella's such a slut...and yes I am totally jealous. I think that maybe "original mini-E" was feeling a tad jealous here, too. Shades-E is way cool - like most incredibly handsome action figures, the addition of the Ray-Bans just gives him that certain je ne sais quoi (yes - that's right! - this is the special francophile Twitarded post; consider it an homage to The Pattzsters triumphant deput at Cannes - now I want to hear you roll those "R"s when you say "Robert" ok? Oh and the "t" is silent...).

Wah. Regular OME is so sad that Bella's got eyes for his cool alter ego.

Anyhoo, now we had the right crowd, a glass of wine and were ready to tuck [ha! that's another film entirely...] into the movie. Then STY plops her laptop in my lap.

"Start typing notes," she demands. "You're better at typing in the dark." [note from STY: I can practically hear my high-school typing instructor laughing at me as my inability to type without looking at my hands finally comes back to haunt me... Congratulations, Mrs. Nowicki, you were right.]

So I did. Two whole pages of notes on How To Be.

Except they weren't.

I get an email from STY this morning, with the notes attached:
i had to stop reading after "i dropped chips into my bra" because i was horking tea out my nose. and it's too early for that.
Huh. I don't recall that happening in the movie. In real life, however... yeah, it did. Upon opening the document, it became blatantly apparent that STY and I will never, ever, ever become movie critics. Ever. For example, here are some of the notes:

First of all – I can barely understand the British accent. I swear I’m retarded when it comes to accents.

Rpattz totally pulls a Kstew in the beginning of the movie when he is talking to his roommate about the band?
(oops, just dropped chips down my bra)
can’t help but think ‘twat’ when I’m watching this.
Rpattz really is so dorkily adorable. It just kills me. He looks all special but in a cute, I-wanna-make-out-with-you way.
I’m officially happy my family is ape shit fucktarded. Because Rpattz’s family in this movie is butt ass boring.
I hate to say it but I really see ‘brooklyn hipster’ in the Arthur’s little friends. Actually, apparently Brit hipsters and NY hipsters are pretty much the sane. Except the British ones sound a lot more intelligent. There is something about the NY accent that just totally fucks your IQ level.
Off note – I swear to mother fucking god if I don’tget whatever the fuck is jammed between my teeth out I’m going to go on a murderous rampage and shit in every one’s cereal bowl. And maybe throw some tampons at strangers.
[I feel I have to explain this one - I just got a partial root canal yesterday and it was pissing me off.]

The couch scene – I’m having flashbacks of being the awkward girl sitting on the couch all by herself. But I didn’t have an erection.
Eames chair!!! Eames fucking chair!! Dammit
His girlfriend has no tits. And sty is totally regretting letting me be in control of her laptop…

It goes on and on, trust me. With the exception of the British vs. Brooklyn hipsters, I'm questioning whether or not we even saw the movie. Maybe we were sucked into some sort of Twilight vortex?

** Did you know when you Google Image 'how to be' there is a 'How to be a Perv' image? Do people really need lessons in that? Huh, I had no idea I was a natural.


  1. Bless you for having a mouth like a sailor or a mouth like me...we are soul mates.

    I am waiting for my very own copy of How To Be in the mail par avion a Europe.

    I'll think of your teeth, chips, bra (damn, it's in the vault now and won't come out), and your superior night time raccoon eyes that can type in the dark...

    maybe I will even watch the movie.

  2. Ok, I just have to say I pert near peed myself reading this...I'm also very grateful. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so psycho after all...heh

  3. @Ang(Amcas)- I actually considered 'toning down' the notes but... eh, fuck it. I have the worst potty mouth - I offend myself sometimes.

    @Jeri247 - Honestly, it was very cute. A little boring, perhaps. But his character was really sweet. And dorky. I would say watch it.

    @Bitches - This coming from someone whose name is Bitches. Love it!! :) I think I take that as a compliment? Should I be concerned about that? As long as I admit I have problems, I'm ok, right? LOL!

  4. I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure I heard a rib crack. My health insurance thanks you, lol.

  5. OOOOO I want Shades-E! I just don't want the Bella that comes with him.

    I can't wait to read your Little Ashes review!

  6. A couple weeks ago I woke up hung over and decided to rest my body (throbbing head) on the couch so I could watch a movie on On Demand. Of course, my first choice was How To Be. It wasn't the best movie but I enjoyed the movie's quirkiness and Rob's cute dorkiness. Oh yeah, I also had a hard time understanding the British accents.....I had to turn the volume way up in order to concentrate on what was being said (this does not help when you've got a pounding headache!)

  7. By the way, I just heard that Breaking Dawn will be adapted into a movie. It will be interesting how they will work in the honeymoon and the whole birthing scene. Yikes!!

  8. @Koolio - what can I say, insurance companies love (well, hate, actually) these days. And I'm terrified to see how BD comes out as a movie. It just don't think it's feasible.

    @Marie - There is NOTHING worse than trying to decipher a movie while drowning in the throes of Hangoverland. It's such a horrible feeling.
    And I'm glad I'm not the only one with difficulties understanding accents. I had to put on the subtitles when I watched Shaun of the Dead (great movie, btw).

  9. Lol...I will be watching this just based on your *ahem* review :). Loved it as always!!!

  10. I watched How To Be a few weeks ago, had high high hopes for it. I was prepared for the indecipherable Brit-accents by putting on my headphones & allowing me to listen at high volume. I agree with whomever said above that the movie was a bit boring, but Rob's quirkiness/adorkableness was enjoyable. The main thing I came away with was that I FORGOT (well not really 100%) that it was Rob playing Art. He really immersed himself enough for me to let go of the actor & accept the character. So many big name actors nowadays I watch but am constantly aware that I am watching Big Name Actor play Yet Another Role. Steve Carrell always amazes me in that when I watch The Office, I totally forget that it's Steve Carrell playing the part. Rob did that for me in How To Be, and that makes me really excited to see some of his upcoming work.

    Also, your commentary/breakdown of the night was all sorts of awesome, JJ. I HEART your trucker mouth!!

  11. Bloody Hysterical! Don't ever tone down your notes we are all mature adults here well most of the time!

    Isn't it awful when you get chips in the bra - scratchy and horrible.

    I was going to get the movie on cable too last night but am reading Wide Awake (friggin brilliant). Sorry the accent had you sayin "what did they say?". British humour is very dry, sarcastic and weird but it wouldn't be a problem for me because of course I'm from across the pond but now live here. You would say the same to me too "what was that you said?" ha ha Hey, I can't say please at any drive thru because I get f***king cheese on everything! ha ha

    Oh I received my own Pocket Edward today woo hoo! :)

    Thanks for the laughs :)

  12. @JJ/STY--I just want to know one thing--do the sunglasses come off Sunglasses Edward? I have toyed (ha!) around with the idea of buying him (to join my other mini E) but was curious about that little detail. I don't really want the Bella doll--kind of kills the whole "I possess a mini Edward and he is in the palm of my hand and all mine" fantasy. It seems like she would just get in the way...maybe my daughter would play with her.....

    Thanks for sharing your movie viewing experience and all the expletives. I think you may possibly rival my foul mouth. Even my husband gets disgusted with me sometimes. I look forward to seeing "How To Be" at the end of the month when I finally get digital cable and On Demand.

    I am off to Disneyland tomorrow--yes, Pocket Edward will be joining us.

  13. Okay, I'm going to be French accent prick - you scratch your "rrs" in your throat on 'Robert' - not roll them. (Hmm, something about 'Robert' and 'throat' in the same sentence just gave me that little warm feeling!) Save the R roling for when you review Little Ashes. Then you'll have yet ANOTHER accent to deal with. Thanks for the review - I'm looking foward to some adorable dork action.

    Also - hate to tell your mini Edward, but Edward Shades is way hot!

  14. I'm so looking forward to seeing this movie - just now need to find someone with On Demand whose TV I can commandeer for a couple hours! Damn not having digital cable - I'm such a loser.

    Did you guys hear that they're filming "Remember Me" in NYC?? Do I see a stalk-o-rama on the horizon?? Hmmm... I'm only about 6 hours away. Do you think my husband would notice if I said I was going out on an "errand" and didn't come back for 3 days?

    I totally agree - shades Edward is way hotter than the original. I feel cheated.

  15. too too funny...
    koolio-- maybe you weren't laughing too hard, maybe you're pregnant with a half vampire/half human baby. i hear those are hell on the ribs. tell that to the insurance company.

  16. I actually thought it was a rather boring movie until the therpist shows up.

    My fav part was when he climbs into bed with his parents and the therpist flips on the light and tells him he meant to "climb into bed" METAPHORICALLY. I was cracking up.

  17. themrs, yep that's what it was. It was that damn hybrid child I was carrying! Those half-breeds are always causing problems, lol.

  18. "Eames chair! Eames fucking chair! Dammit."

    i was pretty sure i and my interior design bff were the only ones that thought like this. my friend almost spilt her coke in the theater when i grabbed her arm squealing "EDWARD HAS BARCELONA CHAISE!! OMFG!!!!!" when we saw twilight.

    anyways. i liked how to be alot. i think Robert (rolled R, no t) is great at creeper weirdo parts.

  19. i figured! i am currently five months pregnant and every time this baby kicks me in the ribs i want to make some BD related joke. unfortunately theMR is still on eclipse so i can't spill the beans. thankfully, i have no broken bones as my baby is fully human (we're assuming). although i may be willing to suffer a broken rib or two for sex with robward. oh dear, did i just say that out loud? that must have been the hormones talking....

  20. Bwa Ha Ha Ha.... Chips in your bra....
    As I pick myself up off the floor...

    Don't even think of toning it down! We are all trucker mouthed twitarded pervs and love to read what comes out of your beautiful twisted mind!

    I've got to check and see if I can get How To Be on demand in through my cable provider... Hubby may object, but there are two other tv's he can use...

    How do you do a partial root canal? I've never heard of that before.

  21. JJ - the notes about the stuff in your teeth had me almost falling out of my chair. I am pretty sure my 3 year old thinks I am retarded! I am so thankful you didn't censor yourself!

  22. @Christysmom & Anne - It was a cute movie and Robward is really adorable in it. It's a tad boring, I agree, but enjoyable nonetheless. It would have sucked if Robward wasn't in it, lol.

    @Limey-1996 - I don't know what it is about the British accent but I have a rough time of it, lol. And British slang just confuses me, lol.

    And I'm forever dropping stuff down my bra because, as STY likes to say, I let the 'kids' hang out too much.

    @VitaminR70 - I don't think the glasses come off. And Bella will only be useful for 'certain' pictures, ahem, lol. Have fun in Disney Land! Take pictures of OME!! LOL

    @GiveMevenom - I have no idea what a French accent sounds like, lol. I can barely get the British! And my own accent is atrocious sooo... lol.

    And agreed. Sunglasses Edward is WAY hotter than poor ol' OME...

    @Stacy207 - In NYC? Oh man, that's my stomping ground!! I always promised myself I wouldn't sneak around sets but... I might have to break that promise... lol!

    @themrs & Koolio - You guys kill me. I totally cracked up. And you also make pregnancy sound mildly terrifying... just sayin' :P

    @Heather S - I think that was the funniest part of the movie!! LOL!

    @KT - That stuff is all STY's doing. She's a total mod furniture slut and introduced me to all of that stuff. And I think she was also pointing out furniture when we were watching the movie, now that I think about it... LOL!

    @red-bella - I'm glad I don't offend too much, lol. I really am terrible when it comes to swearing.

    And the partial root canal was an emergency procedure. The bastards just basically patched me up enough to function until they could schedule me for some more torture when they had the time. Def NOT pleasant.

    @TwilightMom - LOL! Yeah, I don't deal well with being uncomfortable, that's for sure. I'm glad it made you laugh!! :)

  23. Where can I get ME with shades?? I must possess him!!

  24. @ JJ, my dad is a true Cockney and the rhyming slang is hysterical but I grew up with it so it's like 2nd nature to me, but it's kind of cool how rhyming slang was made up to evade the police and nosey parkers. haha

    You see when I go to Shop Rite to the deli counter and have to put on my best American accent, curl my lip and exaggerate every syllable just to order 1/2 pound of cheese etc. Too funny! Else I get the "WTF is she saying look?" I often feel like I'm talking to deaf people by having to repeat myself several times but all in good fun!

  25. @annacatgw - I'll have to check with STY - she was the one that ordered it but I think she had to pre-order it a long time. And the bitch didn't even get me one... lol.

    @Limey-1996 - Nosy Parkers? I like that! I console myself about my accent barrier by admitting to the fact that my Oma has a German accent and I have never, in my 31 years, fully understood anything she's said.

    Huh. That's not really very consoling, now that I think of it...

  26. JJ, pregnancy is mildly terrifying as it is without visions of those half-breeds bursting through a stomach like the creature in Alien! lol

  27. Know what I love about you two? While the other blogs were busy posting the New Moon poster and pics of Robward at Cannes (which, don't get me wrong, I LOVE), YOU GUYS post the funniest movie review I've ever heard, along with some great pics of my fave little action figure. Love ya - Don't ever change.

  28. @JJ - so your Oma could have been saying that you were treading on her bad corn or that she is having a heartattack and you would have given her one of those "WTF is she talking about looks?!" whilst doing a crazed smile(the one I've gotten accustomed to). Too funny!

  29. Best movie review EVER! really really funny.

    I can't believe you have mini Edward and even hotter mini Edward, I don't even have one!

  30. @Koolio - Umm, I'll take your word for it, lol. Seriously, best birth control ever was when we had to watch the 'birthing' movie in eighth grade. I think I actually passed out.

    @ Darcey - Thank you!!! We rely on those lovely ladies to update us with the newsand pictures, too. I don't think we'll ever be Siskel(?) and Ebert but hey, we tried. LOL

    @Limey-1996 - She could have been telling me she was leaving a million bucks to me in her will and I probably would have just dumbly nodded my head and said 'uh huh, that's nice, Oma.'

  31. JJ-ditto what the others said; please don't sensor yourself!!! You wouldn't be the same without your potty mouth...and I mean that in the most sincerest of ways;) I fucking love you man!!!

  32. HAHAHA love it! I need to learn to not be drinking a beverage whilst reading your blog, because it usually ends up coming out of my nose.

  33. Okay...so I just finished watching How To Be and I absolutely hated it. I had a hard time getting past his hair of which I wanted to reach through the screen and comb it. Then I had a problem with the '70s/'80s feel to the movie. Don't know why I would have such a problem with that, but I did, lol. But the real problem was his friend Ronald with the boob art on his wall. No, that wasn't the real problem - the whole movie was a problem, lol.

  34. I'm a late on this one. :( But love the post!
    Did you get the chip out of your bra? I sure hope so.

    I attempted to watch How To Be three nights ago. Sat down on the couch, beer in hand, click "Yes, I'll pay 6 bucks to watch How To Be." (While I cringed mind you.)And then I didn't watch it. Still trying to figure out what happened. Cause honestly I have no clue why I didn't. I got to the part where he's talking to his friend about some sort of band, then I walked out of the room and forgot I had been watching the movie. What does that even mean? Humm...

  35. ok, so I have on demand..I need to buckle down and buy it..$6.99 lol I needs me a robert pattinson fix! lol

  36. ok, so I have on demand..I need to buckle down and buy it..$6.99 lol I needs me a robert pattinson fix! lol

  37. Ok, I just have to say I pert near peed myself reading this...I'm also very grateful. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so psycho after all...heh


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