Er, may possibly contain spoilers? Most likely not, though.
Last night STY came up with the fantabulous idea of forking over seven bucks to get How To Be** on On Demand Cable. Naturally, I agreed (because ML pays the cable bill) so I popped the cork off a bottle of vino and set up the TV.
How to Be was about 88 minutes long but, as a general rule, when STY and I watch movies we usually need to block off three or four hours. This is not my fault. Just sayin'...
Unexpectedly, STY brought some friends with her to watch the movie and chaos ensued, ending only when I was on the ground attempting to take pictures and ML flung his hands up in defeat and retreated to the kitchen, where he was ostensibly watering down the alcohol supply and putting slow-acting poison in my yogurt.
You're not seeing double there - that's Edward, Sunglasses Edward and Bella!! Talk about a menage a trois! Two Edwards at once? Bella's such a slut...and yes I am totally jealous. I think that maybe "original mini-E" was feeling a tad jealous here, too. Shades-E is way cool - like most incredibly handsome action figures, the addition of the Ray-Bans just gives him that certain je ne sais quoi (yes - that's right! - this is the special francophile Twitarded post; consider it an homage to The Pattzsters triumphant deput at Cannes - now I want to hear you roll those "R"s when you say "Robert" ok? Oh and the "t" is silent...).
Anyhoo, now we had the right crowd, a glass of wine and were ready to tuck [ha! that's another film entirely...] into the movie. Then STY plops her laptop in my lap.
"Start typing notes," she demands. "You're better at typing in the dark." [note from STY: I can practically hear my high-school typing instructor laughing at me as my inability to type without looking at my hands finally comes back to haunt me... Congratulations, Mrs. Nowicki, you were right.]
So I did. Two whole pages of notes on How To Be.
Except they weren't.
I get an email from STY this morning, with the notes attached:
i had to stop reading after "i dropped chips into my bra" because i was horking tea out my nose. and it's too early for that.Huh. I don't recall that happening in the movie. In real life, however... yeah, it did. Upon opening the document, it became blatantly apparent that STY and I will never, ever, ever become movie critics. Ever. For example, here are some of the notes:
First of all – I can barely understand the British accent. I swear I’m retarded when it comes to accents.
Rpattz totally pulls a Kstew in the beginning of the movie when he is talking to his roommate about the band?
(oops, just dropped chips down my bra)
can’t help but think ‘twat’ when I’m watching this.
Rpattz really is so dorkily adorable. It just kills me. He looks all special but in a cute, I-wanna-make-out-with-you way.
I’m officially happy my family is ape shit fucktarded. Because Rpattz’s family in this movie is butt ass boring.
I hate to say it but I really see ‘brooklyn hipster’ in the Arthur’s little friends. Actually, apparently Brit hipsters and NY hipsters are pretty much the sane. Except the British ones sound a lot more intelligent. There is something about the NY accent that just totally fucks your IQ level.
Off note – I swear to mother fucking god if I don’tget whatever the fuck is jammed between my teeth out I’m going to go on a murderous rampage and shit in every one’s cereal bowl. And maybe throw some tampons at strangers.[I feel I have to explain this one - I just got a partial root canal yesterday and it was pissing me off.]
The couch scene – I’m having flashbacks of being the awkward girl sitting on the couch all by herself. But I didn’t have an erection.
Eames chair!!! Eames fucking chair!! Dammit His girlfriend has no tits. And sty is totally regretting letting me be in control of her laptop…It goes on and on, trust me. With the exception of the British vs. Brooklyn hipsters, I'm questioning whether or not we even saw the movie. Maybe we were sucked into some sort of Twilight vortex?
** Did you know when you Google Image 'how to be' there is a 'How to be a Perv' image? Do people really need lessons in that? Huh, I had no idea I was a natural.