Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Everything Relates To Twilight

The other night ML and I invited the usual suspects over for a few cocktails and some hummus and baby carrots (my logic is that the healthy hummus and carrots will somehow negate the beating we were all about to give to our livers). Because I've taken the concept of 'sloth' to an epic level, I simply sent out a text:

Drinks. our place. @9.

In their typical fashion, the doorbell finally rings at midnight. And by doorbell, I mean my cell phone because we're too lazy (see 'sloth' reference above) to fix our real doorbell [in fact, STY accidentally ripped it from the door frame last week and nonchalantly handed it to me when I opened the door]. The party start-time gets earlier and earlier in my vain attempt to get my fucking friends to show up before it's technically the next morning and I've had more than one conversation with STY that required the clarification 'do you mean ten clock real-time or STY-time?'

Naturally, when I have a few people wandering around my apartment shouting at each other (with the exception of STY and ML, no one else understands the concept of "inside voices", myself included) I feel the need to add to the cacophony by putting on music. I like to think this is a social experiment to see how far we can push our neighbors before they call the cops on us or come downstairs with baseball bats.

Rather than put on something mellow and soothing, which would make sense given the hour, I select Man Man and crank it up. Because I love me some Man Man. Oh, and that reminds me of something...

"Hey STY," I bellow across the room, "Did you know 100 Monkeys listed Man Man as one of their influences on their MySpace page?"

We love Man Man just like Jenny Jerkface! We want to be as cool as her!

STY perks up immediately at the mention of 100 Monkeys and I launch into the Theory of Twilight Relativity. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it basically is a quasi-scientific (ok, not even close but...) theory that allows a person to link every aspect of their entire world back to Twilight in some way, shape or form. It goes by other names as well, like the Degrees of Separation, or something similar to that.

And I, lovely readers, am closely linked to Twilight. You see, ML is actually acquainted with one of the members of Man Man and I've met him on several occasions. And because Man Man has influenced 100 Monkeys I am now connected to them and, consequently, Jackson Rathbone. Now, if I'm linked to Jackson, then I'm also linked to Rob Pattinson. You see? I'm, like, totally IN. Next think you know, RPattz is gonna have me on speed dial so we can meet up and go for drinks. Or have wicked monkey sex. Duuuuude, heavy fucking shit.

I've been waiting for you, Jenny Jerkface. Come in, let's act out Breaking Dawn the way it should have been done...

And, um, STY had nothing. Bubkiss. But then I asked her to dig deep, and she came up with a coworker who used to date someone who knows Catherine Hardwick. That counts, right??? Of course it does! Unfortunately, this claim was never substantiated with, say, the passing along of Catherine's home phone number and/or special director's schwag...

This revelation got Snarky thinking and she realized that we weren't the only ones related to Twilight on such an insanely intimate level. It turns out that our impending Twitarded contributor Office Snarky is able to jump right in on this topic! OS's husband, who we'll call "Rock n' Roll Snarky," used to work with Jeff Buckley. Closely, actually. Word on the Twilight street last week [thanks The Twilight Sisterhood and ROBsessed!] suggested that Robert Pattinson was one of a handful of actors who might be considered to play Jeff Buckley in an as-yet-unmade biopic (along with Jared Leto, James Franco, and James Marsden). Rn'RS was actually just interviewed for said biopic. Not bad, Office Snarky, not bad... We like the way you're kickin' up the cred-level around here so far. And we're expecting great things from you, so get crackin'!

34 comments:

  1. Fantastic post! At work the girls and I do this on a daily basis. We can take anything and everything and relate it to Twilight in some way. The Twilight series is a guide book to life. It has all the answers. :)

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  2. Now that was a brilliant post! Six Degrees of Twiperation! And yes, I totally love to relate anything to Twilight - it pisses my friends, coworkers and family off to no end so yes, I keep on doing it!

    Because I live in Maine where nothing famous ever happens, the Twiperation degrees are slim... but here goes! My good friend went to the same high school as Anna Kendrick (who is from Maine!) and I'm sure they must have had a common teacher... therefore I"m positive Rob will be calling me soon to set up our tantric sexcapade... I'll be waiting!

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  3. If I think about it hard enough, I can link anything back to Twilight. It's fun.

    Great post!

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  4. So here is my 6 degrees of separation (as seen in my post from yesterday):
    1. the BF is friends with a guy who works at Summit
    2. Summit produced Twilight

    So yeah, I am totally waiting on my invite to the New Moon premiere, hehe.

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  5. My verify word, yet again, describes my reaction to this wonderment PERFECTLY: meweep.

    And I did. You ladies are for sure on your way to some "good" times with Mr. Pattinson. Truth be told, I don't think you'd need to run from him. He'd be all star struck to meet you, for sure.

    Oh OS, I'm eagerly awaiting a post from you. :)

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  6. Friken funny!!! Mr. Heather just said I should suggest a 6 degrees thing to Ang for SSTB and then BAMB, Twitards for the win!!!

    You ladies are awesome and if Mr. Pattz comes over for some sexy awesomness because you're all so close, please, I BEG YOU, take pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. Funny! I love relating everything to Twilight too and the whole "six degrees of separation." So, here's mine: My brother works in L.A. He's had lunch a few times with Rachelle Lafavre's stunt double for Twilight. I'm sure that will get me close to Rob one day! :) (well, besides my ten second Hot Topic encounter with him).

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  8. I'm connected to Robert this way: My husband worked in a warehouse. He new this guy from his work that back 20 years ago, Keither Sutherland owed him drug money. Now Keither Sutherland was at the MTV music awards... and so was Rob! They must of shook hands or something...

    Does that count?

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  9. Ok, I'm friends with a girl on Facebook (well actually I know her husband from highschool) and her good friend is Taylor's something rather. I think PR person. She always with him. Anyhoo, can't remember her title but doesn't matter because then Taylor-Ummm get it Roob. So through all these people, I'm totally connected to Rob and we'll be married one day.

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  10. I so love this. Did you get my contest entry list JJ and STY? My last item was about my wishful six degrees of separation. Here goes---this is REALLY far-fetched........ Rob's friend, Johnny Flynn, recorded his first album at Bear Creek studios here in the Seattle area which is the same studio that my brother's band has recorded at and my brother is friends with the owner of the studio. I know, it is totally pathetic. I am thinking I need to work the Portland, OR angle or the Vancouver, BC or go straight to England and work it with my friends over there. In the end, it is just a sad attempt. I think everyone else's are way better than mine....Oh well. I am going to go sulk in my wine now.

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  11. i, like everyone else, am sitting here tryin to figure out how many liks it will take me to get to rob or any of the cullen boys.

    hrmmm i think im at like 4 or 5, FOR NOW!! gimme a couple years and ill be baking movies in l.a. ok more than a couple but u get the idea

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  12. OK, I went to high school and was in the musical theatre group with Veronica Berry, who is cousins with Halle Berry, who was in the X-Men movies with Hugh Jackman, who sang karoake with RPattz and so I expect to be marrying him any day now because I am totally in.

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  13. Hmmm my six degrees of separation.. Since NO ONE famous (other than the High School Musical) comes to or from my state.. well other than for 10 days at the end of Jan early Feb..oh and the Osmonds (yes,I'm a little bit country.. and a little bit rock-n-roll) I will try my best..
    K-Stew was here for Sundance.. and we may have shopped in the same stores or went to the same places for a bite to eat etc.. in Park City.. ok that doesn't lead to anything..
    so I will have to resort to High School Musical. (I can't believe I am even relating it to this)
    A friend of mine was a dancer in the opening ceremonies for the 2002 Olympics, Kenny Ortega was the director for the Opening Ceremonies.. he in turn directed HSM with Zac Efron, who in turn was at the MTV Music awards with the rest of the cast.. Bad-ah-bing.. and there you go. I am anxiously awaiting my doorbell to ring.
    (face smack.. I seriously can't believe I just referenced High School Musical.. *shaking my head* seriously...)

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  14. Sorry make the MOVIE awards not Music.. dur

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  15. @Heather - Sadly I am not cool enough to have even a 100 degrees of separation between me and the very lovely Mr. Pattinson. My only link is this:

    My Grandmother lives on Long Island.
    STY sounds like she is from Long Island.
    STY's bestest of friends is JJ.
    And JJ is beyond freaking cool and has like a 100% chance of nailing Mr. Pattinson.

    And I don't just beg for pictures, I demand pictures, a description and possibly a video tape... humm... okay that might be weird. A description will do, just fine, since you're a mad crazy smut writer now.

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  16. Okay - I've got no connection to Twilight (other than maybe the pool of drool every that runs from Baltimore to LA every time Kellan Lutz is shirtless).

    But I love MAN MAN - they are my absolute favorite band to see live! And I always get excited when someone else likes them ... they just passed through Baltimore, but I couldn't make their show ... hopefully they'll be heading back soon through.

    I keep meaning to give 100 Monkeys a list (just for Jackson, although it's hard since he stop dressing like an attractive man and started dressing like an extra from Back to the Future part II, he clearly doesn't understand what motivates me.)

    So to round this comment out - I'm insanely jealous of your Twilight and Man Man connection that I lack; but love that, you're into Man Man.

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  17. OHHHH man, I got 2 and Ive been dying to tell some people who give a shit!

    On March 20th, the DVD release date my friend and I ( who consequently drove 900 miles with her twin girls to watch the movie wth me) went into a midnight release party at Borders accidently,( in the middle of Suburban Texas mind you) well who walks in right after us, Catherine Hardwicke, met her, got her to sign my dvd and talked with her...so I touched the woman who touched Rob frequently...basically I have had foreplay with Rob .

    2. My friends, mom's friend is Cam Gigandet( whatever the fuck his name is) mother in law...confusing? Its ok, I have seen first hand pictures from Kodak share of their baby being born.....
    So there it is, I am somehow cosmically related to Twilight, I forsee a Rob meeting and sexing in my future.

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  18. OK..so my Dad did some body guard work for Chuck Norris...who- if all the flair on facebook is true...provoked the volturi---and you know what that means...LOL! So yeah, I will be waiting for Rob to show up to ravage my body anyday now! ms m

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  19. See, we really ARE all related!! LOL!

    @domisgone - Kiefer Sutherland owed drug money?! That is SO funny.

    @CuteangieK - Long Island is close, but STY and I are all Jersey, baby. :)

    @ Just Erin - Yay! They are such a fun band. I haven't seen them play live yet but I hear it's quite a fucking show.

    @Twisessed - Chuck Norris needs a body guard? Holy shit. I love all those Chuck Norris lists, they are so funny!

    If only RPattz and crew knew how how closely we are linked...

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  20. 1. Marshall Mathers attended the MTV awards. Growing up I lived across the street from him in Detroit MI before he became Eminem.

    2. Taylor Lautner lived in Grand Rapids MI...I used to go camping there.

    3. My grandmother is from London England...so is Rob.

    4. Emmett - Kellan Lutz is from Dickinson ND. I currently live here. He will be visiting in August for the Tractor fest (HA HA) and I can only pray that he brings his friend Rob.

    My inner teenager is just thrilled with the closeness!

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  21. oh my shit. you guys are to freekin much!

    here's mine, far fetched of course but whatevs. I work at the hospital that Vannessa Hudgens was born in and she recently gave mr sparklypants a mtv award. Boooooyah! So im in like flynn too, right?

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  22. Hmmmm... I went to the same high school as Palema Anderson.. Although I don't think she has any connections to twilight.

    Well there is my set stalking escapades and meeting Kellan, Kristen, Rachelle and Jackson..

    Kristen did sign my book and she has touched Rob.. and I did stay at the same hotel that Rob stayed at while in Vancouver and I did eat at Glow Bar one of his fav restaurants in Vancouver...

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  23. Oooh, ooooh I finally put together a better one. I know Joel McHale from The Soup and he has an ongoing feud with Ryan Seacrest who is a total dork but loves Twilight and has interviewed Rob in the flesh.......I am so totally in.

    To be honest, I love how twitarded we all are for putting so much effort to figuring out ways we could possibly be connected. So nice to know I am not alone.

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  24. Now don't get all jealous but.....
    My hubby's brother's friend, deceased father's ex-wife, once removed, divorced uncle knows the pizza delivery guy for the Eclipse set.. I think we are in!!!!!!!!!

    ha ha :)

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  25. .
    Damnit Jenny ~ because I was busy this morning I missed reading your blog during coffee time so was able to save my laptop from yet another embarrassing spray of creamy brown liquid (oo... that sounded BAD)...but NOOOO. Because it's after 5 I'm inbibing in a little fermented grape juice and BAM! You make me laugh and there is an embarrassing spray of yet another liquid my poor laptop must endure.

    For this, you must pay. You owe me glass of wine.

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  26. @Vitamin R- Holy crap...you know Joel McHale??!! I love him, he is so funny!

    Anyway...here is mine. My sister is currently filming the new JLo movie and RPattz talked about Mrs. Lopez on the commentary, so clearly its meant to be :)

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  27. I have to say that I am LOVING all these! It's really funny! And, with the exception of Marshall Mathers, I pretty much don't have a clue who the hell the other people are. I hate to admit it - but I kind of live under a rock.

    @limey_1996 - you fucking kill me. :)

    @Petra - Is Mad Dog ok? Boone's Farm? I'm kinda a cheap gal...

    @VitaminR - Dude, we're like a happy little twitarded family, lol!

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  28. Ok...I've been trying and NOTHING Twi related, that is. Oh wait! Hubs just reminded me...this is good...you ready?

    Hubs has a cop-bestie in Houston who "knows" Blue October's drummer, Jeremy.[I go total fangirl-batshit-insane over them, by the way.]Jeremy is Justins[lead singer]brother. Justin is like total BFFs with Stephenie Meyer now! And Stephenie is the almighty of Twilight and I'm almost positive has the entire cast on speed dial. So, I'm calling up cop-bestie for a little friendly gathering next time Jeremy or Justin are in town. I'll try to keep the inner-fangirl in shackles....try. Hopefully, I won't scare anyone off while calmly, but secretly begging for a Stephenie 'meet-n-greet'...

    Who am I kidding...cop-bestie won't come thru! Maybe if I paid him...? Hmm...

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  29. @JJ - ha, ha, just my crazy English humour but it keeps me afloat! :)

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  30. @LuvsMeSumEdward--His mother-in-law is my parent's next door neighbor. I know his wife better and I don't even know her that well...the relationship is really bewteen his mother-in-law and my mom. I don't go flaunting this around but I thought this situation warranted a mention. BTW--he is one hysterical mofo.

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  31. @JennyJerkface - you have to see Man Man live. They are unbelievable. So much energy - the first time I saw them was a Sunday Night Concert - and they didn't come on till 12:30am (I value my sleep) - I was totally already out, because it was too late and didn't even think I'd enjoy the show, but they got on the stage and the whole place just went crazy --- and it was a drumb beating, dancing insanity for two hours - definitely on my top ten concert experiences.

    They're going to be in NYC July 16. Get yourself there. :) Trust me - you need this.

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  32. @just erin - I heard they don't even pause or stop between songs - they just keep on playing.

    I saw they were playing NYC! I'm definitely going to try to get out there to see them.

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  33. @Vitamin R- Holy crap...you know Joel McHale??!! I love him, he is so funny!

    Anyway...here is mine. My sister is currently filming the new JLo movie and RPattz talked about Mrs. Lopez on the commentary, so clearly its meant to be :)

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  34. Okay - I've got no connection to Twilight (other than maybe the pool of drool every that runs from Baltimore to LA every time Kellan Lutz is shirtless).

    But I love MAN MAN - they are my absolute favorite band to see live! And I always get excited when someone else likes them ... they just passed through Baltimore, but I couldn't make their show ... hopefully they'll be heading back soon through.

    I keep meaning to give 100 Monkeys a list (just for Jackson, although it's hard since he stop dressing like an attractive man and started dressing like an extra from Back to the Future part II, he clearly doesn't understand what motivates me.)

    So to round this comment out - I'm insanely jealous of your Twilight and Man Man connection that I lack; but love that, you're into Man Man.

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