Thursday, June 18, 2009

Late Bloomer Libido Rage or how I stopped worrying and learned to love my inner pervert

Hello Twitards – this is Office Snarky here and this is my first post, so be gentle with me.

It all started with STY and her Twilight obsession. She showed me the awesome photos that she and JJ took with their mini-Edward dolls – I thought they were hilarious, but… Twilight? Really? Isn’t that for, like… teenagers? Not that I’m a model of maturity, but c’mon, Twilight?

Then my sister-in-law went Twi-loco. She, along with her two teenage daughters, made their collective Twilight obsession apparent on Christmas day. For Christmas one daughter made her mom a video montage of RPatt. The other daughter gave her some other Twilight related thing. They were showing me Twilight fan videos on You Tube. The entire first book and movie were explained to me – in painful detail – by all of them. It was Twi-fest, and my husband and I sat looking at each other, stupefied. The girls, okay – but mom? You’ve lost your mind too?

Then someone came to the door with one last Christmas present – a near life-sized cardboard standee of RPatt. The girls jumped up and down and squeeeeeed! – but my sis-in-law did the female equivalent of jizzing in her pants. She grabbed the standee and humped it – so help me God, she humped it. Humped it right there in front of baby Jesus, on his birthday no less.

I’m not interested in dissecting the teenage girl Twi-connection, it’s the 30/40/50+ somethings with the Twi-bug that interests me. It was famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, Ph.D. who told us that women had more orgasms in their thirties than at any other time in their lifespan and this increased sexual satisfaction can then result in desiring more sex. Oh, and desire it we ladies do! I’ve heard that my sis-in-law’s vibrator is about to get a restraining order against her.

And nothing seems to have hit that nerve in recent history like Twilight. I'm not sure what it is... The older fans might not be tackling Robert Pattinson in the street like the younger crazies, but it's certainly not due to lack of desire! Perhaps the "fans of a certain age" have just learned how to keep those frenzy-inducing primordial hormones in check?

"Enough with these children! Where can I find me a real woman?!"

Does Edward's status as an [ahem] "mature" vampire have anything to do with it? Are a boatload of women looking to make up for all the bad sex we had to endure until we found guys old enough to have a clue about what a clitoris is and where to find it? And why did it take so long?

Is it the hope that a vampire who is over 100 years old knows his way around the female anatomy, and since he happens to be packaged in a hot young bod, it's ok to be lust after him even at our age? We may never know...

In the meantime, Bella, honey, cute though you may be, you're still a child with no idea what you're doing. Why not step aside and let a real woman handle this one? A vampire of a certain age needs someone with more experience. And she's not 17.


  1. oh my word- welcome to the dark side office gal! you cracked me up! i'm totally picturing your SIL humping the cardboard edward in front of a nativity scene. priceless, simply priceless

  2. Welcome Office Snarky!!! Great first post. Couldn't agree more about the, uhhhh, you know, what you said about women in their 30's-so true, so true. Love, love, love your last paragraph. 'Real woman' is right. BTW as Twitarded as I am I even feel uncomfortable with the humping of the Edward cut out....Woah!

  3. Oh, my dearest OS-

    I have heard OH-so-much about you.

    I have been anxiously awaiting your first post. You are just as perv amazingness as I heard you were! :D

    *thumbs up*

    Come visit if you get a chance!

    Peace. Love. Twilight! and The Volturi Approves

  4. Office Snarky, you slay me! I nearly busted a gut picturing your SIL humping the cardboard Edward, and then fell off my chair with the comment of how her vibrator has a restraining order against her. Holy shit, that is fucking funny! Nice job on your first post!

    And here's my shameless blog whore plug... come visit me too if you get a chance!

  5. ok well first i wanna start out with saying that i HATE welcoming new ppl or having NEW ppl come into things! so now that ive said that....WELCOME WELCOM WELCOME!!! I love you already and have no problem welcoming you!! your post was hysterical and already seem like a pro!! cant wait for more! :D xoxo

  6. Hello Office Snarky!!! Welcome to all things Twilight and Twiporn related. It's nice over here. Glad you could join.

  7. Welcome to our world office snarky!

    im still fairly young (23), but still get my fair amount of shit over the twilight obsession and my tendecy to say things like "oohhhh the dirrty things i would do to him" when i see one of the cullen boys! but i agree none the less, i may not have "alot" of experience, but hell, i thinbk i could work it better than Bella, lol. and gladly would, haha

    ..... now i feel weird saying id rock the word of a fictional 107 year old vampire stuck in a 17 year old's body's world....... angghh fuck it!! we all r thinkin it!!

  8. Howdy Office Snarky! Sorry but can't get the drump humping the cardboard Robward in front of baby Jesus out of my brain, haha Bloody hysterical! I definately think we are all perverted! Twitarded the only place to be....

    Yes, the only 107 old virgin vampire that has been reading, learning about the "ins & outs", (so to speak) of a woman's vag for the best part of 90 years.. no wonder women love him. Holy crap! haha

  9. Oh shit! I nearly peed my pants!

    My husband is giving me the `wtf-is-with-you?" look, which is always followed by the "oh-it's-twilight-related" eye-roll! Welcome OS!

    ps - my verification word: fanquin. Is that like a peguin that's a fan of twilight?

  10. "drump humping" WTF is that? haha

  11. @Limey_1996 - drump humping?! WTF is that?! I'm not sure but I definitely plan on incorporating that into... well, some conversation. Daily. I actually poured myself another glass of wine just so I could snort it out my fucking nose.

    I was all sorts of sleepy and ready for bed and then I had to read about drump humping. And SILs humping card board cutouts at x-mas time.

    No wonder I get nothing done at work...

  12. @JJ - ha ha What am I like?? I think it's dry and hump combined?? I got all discombobulated and that's without a drink, forget it when I've had a couple of Soco and lime shots!! Bloody funny though...

    "like I said, Twitarded the only place to be"..... haha

    Lucky for you to work in a cool office. :)

  13. Welcome to this crazy world of Twilight blogs... awesome first post! I didn't want anything to do with Twilight in the beginning either, my 20somthing cousin told me I HAD to read the books and once I started I sucked in. And I haven't looked back. ;)

  14. @ OS - Hilarious!!! My fave part: A vampire of a certain age needs someone with more experience. And she's not 17.

    Hellz yeah girl!

  15. Welcome Office Snarky! I don't know when I'm gonna learn my lesson about drinking and reading Twitarded. Thanks to that whole bit about your SIL and her doing unholy things in front of baby Jesus I completely saturated my keyboard!

    And I found that bit extra funny because my 6 y/o and I were at the mall today and happened across said cardboard cutout, I made her take a picture of me with it and she didn't want to because I was embarassing her. She's only 6 and I'm already embarassing her :) But you can bet your ass I made her take that picture!

  16. Bwa ha ha ha... dry humping... vibrator with a restraining order...
    Great first post!

    My first question would be have you read the books? Being a mature twitard (47) yes I'm a bit ashamed of my obsession, but what the hell you only live once. You should see what I have planned for STY and JJ... I have to wait for a few supplies to come in... But it's twisted and oh so in appropriate... snicker...maniacal laugh... evil smirk
    What's not to love about 107 year old virgin in a 17 year old body. This boy/man is considerate, attentive, restrained and a bit of a bad boy. Isn't that what every woman wants, the dangerous bad boy that has eyes only for you?

  17. "She grabbed the standee and humped it – so help me God, she humped it. Humped it right there in front of baby Jesus, on his birthday no less."

    Greatest thing I read all week!! Welcome!

  18. Thanks for the post, Office Snarky. Any time I am reassured that I'm not the only old, obsessed fan out there, I feel better. I admit I'm a little jealous of your SIL for her outwardly, Edwardly demonstration. I'm still so deep in the Twilight closet that I have a pre-Rob's birth wool cap stuck up my ass. This website allows me to laugh my butt off, you know, before I crawl back in my closet. Sigh. - Suz

  19. As a 46 year old, I've managed to EASILY rationalize that I'm lusting for an older man - in a 17 year old body - that's hot and happens to look like RPattz -- and never smells like yard work, or old beer & garlic - and is awesomely adept at foreplay (and more if you're into Twi-smut - and honestly HOW CAN YO NOT BE)and I don't give a f*ck if it may sound crazy, 'cause it keeps a stupid grin on my face, gives me that warm feeling all under (and has definitely improved the sex life of my garlic & beer loving warm blooded hubby). And it feels even better to know that there's a shit load of wonderful Twisluts out there - Office Snarky WELCOME to our world - who feel the same!

  20. Love the post OS. I know you will fit in wonderfully. Keep up the awesome work!

  21. Thanks everyone for the warm welcome for Office Snarky!! I will remind her that this it the part where she has to come back out to chit-chat with everyone (I'm not sure she's 100% aware of out little comment-box chats but she will be!

    @anon/Suz - LOL!!! You MUST come out of the closet at least far enough to sign up to follow this blog - you clearly have found your people - c'mon - you can do it!!!

    : )

    Oh and folks, aside from the continued presence of OS, my office is no longer even a tiny bit of fun. The booze fridge now holds carrot sticks and salad dressing, we haven't filled anyone's cube with paper in FOREVER, and we don't even have our "secret half-day fridays" [where we would rotate someone in our group taking a half-day on friday and just cover for them and not tell anyone they were gone] anymore. {{{sigh}}} cue "Memories...

  22. Office Snarky!

    Your reputation (favorably) preceded you, and you did not disappoint!

    And now I am going to do something which you undoubtedly did not anticipate: I am going to answer your query, seriously, re: the appeal of Twilight, specifically in terms of "older" female readers.

    And, in deference to STY's delicate and still-recuperating computer, I will attempt to keep my comments brief (brief, for me, that is!), and will restrict myself to just three observations, among the multitude that I have considered.

    And I will speak only of the novels' courtly Edward Cullen, who is separate from the somewhat surly, unpredictable movie Edward (honestly, doesn't he act like a moody teenage girl?), who is separate from the posh-accented, huskily chuckling, angel-fingered, excruciatingly witty, bronze-crowned Robert Pattinson...oh, my crafty, beloved RP....

    *spontaneous orgasm*

    Excuse me...! Now, back to the list:

    1. Yes, at our age, and in these times, we are all strong, independent women, who certainly require no validation from the likes of men...and yet...who among us would reject the absolute devotion, the WORSHIPFULNESS, exhibited by Edward toward Bella? Who would not wish to be chosen, among all the females of humanity, to be the perfect male's one and only mate?

    2. And while our hormones would cry otherwise, who among us would not be (at least secretly) flattered (and aroused?) by the way that Edward does not wish to dishonor, to defile Bella with cheap, nasty premarital sex—

    *oh, RP...tortured sigh...*

    —and the way that, after the pesky marriage requirement is satisfied, Edward's century of restraint promises to deliver Bella the defilement of a lifetime...?


    3. By now, we "older" ladies know our anatomy—that is to say, the male anatomy. And Stephenie has helpfully emphasized that Edward's body...his ENTIRE, at all times, the density and consistency of marble. And so we "mature" readers can so easily imagine that, at the crucial moment of consummation, Edward', in case there are proper teenage Twilight readers here, I'll just call it "it" can only imagine that "it" must exceed even diamonds, on the hardness scale...and "it" must sparkle like diamonds, to boot....(And one CAN only imagine this—thanks again, Stephenie...)

    P.S. WHAT is going on with that photo? I thought they were supposed to FIX the hair for New Moon?? Is that supposed to be pixie-like ALICE?

  23. Thank you, thank you!! [sniff, sniff] I am just so touched by all your comments... the way you have welcomed me into the Forks, er fold... [sniffle] I could just cry! [Wahhhh!]

    Seriously - thank you. And I'm glad you all found entertainment in my SIL humping a cardboard standee. My therapist says we're making progress on dealing with this incident and sharing with others is a great way to move forward.

    And much thanks to JJ & STY for turning me on to Twilight!

  24. My sentiments exactly!! Step aside BElla and let the experience females handle Edward. As for Rob, His friend mentioned that he looks for women with Life experience. I've got that!!

    Enjoy Twitarded everyday!! Check me out at My Life with A twilight Obsession.

  25. Welcome Office Snarky. And let me say, this post makes me feel much better about my impending entrance into my 30's...

  26. Office Snarky- so nice to meet you! Sounds like you can hang with the Twitarded gals just fine- looking forward to hearing more from you!

  27. Office Snarky! You have me rolling! LMAO!!!! Ms M

  28. OS..Standing O (OK - this is Twitarded so you know what THAT means)!! Fab Post! loved -" jesus on his birthday...restraining order.." really everything was a homerun!

  29. I am so relieved that I am not the only over 40 year old with a crush (42). I have not been so obsessed since I saw John Travolta in Grease. Yeah, I know - I'm old.

    I love that I don't feel alone when I read these comments. They truly make my day.

    And yes, I am so going to get fired if I don't stop obsessing at work. Good thing I work at a University and everyone is gone for the summer!

    I have officially started recruiting my sister and daughter to read Twilight so I have someone to talk to. I feel like a "Twilight dealer".

    Thanks for the smiles!!

  30. Great first post, OS! Totally LMAO at your SIL's exhuberance at Christmas.

    " that women had more orgasms in their thirties than at any other time in their lifespan and this increased sexual satisfaction can then result in desiring more sex."

    I'll be 30 this year and if its going to get better than it is now, I'm going to die! Although, I have RP and fan fic to thank for the current increase, I think. ;)

  31. Wow, Office Snarky! Way to bring it. And, like everyone else, I have the amazing mental image of your SIL enjoying Edward's cutout in front of baby Jesus on his birthday. Do you think it made him sad, or was it his present to her?

  32. OMGZ! i just about choaked to death i was laughing so hard when i read
    "so help me God, she humped it. Humped it right there in front of baby Jesus, on his birthday no less."

  33. Welcome Office Snarky!!! Loved your first post. Reading it right now while in real estate class. Booooo! (it's keeping me awake, when I should be listening to the teacher) I just hope the guy next to me doesn't look at what I'm reading!

  34. OMG! I've been having visions of your SIL humping the cardboard all day...she's my hero.

  35. Oh my lord! Too funny, OS!

    Beside the humping quote, I enjoyed @Mrs. Robinsane's response, esp. "the defilement of a lifetime"... (wouldn't we all enjoy a little defilement?) ahem.

    BTW, I almost got Twi-outed this week at a craft group meeting. Maybe next week I'll fess up.

  36. "The female equivalent of jizzing in her pants." Too effin funny:)

  37. Welcome OS. Glad to finally hear from you. ;)

  38. Office Snarky....(standing up) Well done!!


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