Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mini Edward Learns How to Prepare For Emergencies

So, not too long ago my company attempted to fill it's employees' heads with unfounded fear and terror by forcing us to go to "Emergency Training." They must have forgotten that, um, this is New York and New Yorkers ain't afraid of 'nuthin. I was only slightly afraid, but that's because I'm from Jersey. Our balls aren't quite at big as New Yorkers.

Oh noes! Pandemics! Natural Disasters! Oh my! **

Anyhoo, we all got to gather in the big ol' conference room and listened to some ex-FBI dude tell us what we should and shouldn't do in case some bad people try to bomb the city or release some kind of biological weapon into the air (Pstttttp - if you see things blowin' up... run like a mothertrucker - the other way).

I was thinking, since RPattz is in town that maybe he and I should get together so I can discuss what I've learned in this very informative seminar. It just may save his life!

First off, they're bringing back the duck and cover. Apparently, you're not supposed to run to the nearest window and totally rubber neck when you hear a massive explosion. Bummer. But, between you and me, I'll totally duck and cover with RPattz.

Edward ducks and covers...

You are also, as I erroneously suggested during the meeting, NOT supposed to step over (or on!) an injured co-worker during an evacuation. Or kick them when they are down (in my defense, I didn't suggest this - another co-worker did).

Things got a little hinky after Coworker A offered to use Coworker P's head as a battering ram should we ever need to break down any doors but FBI dude took it all in stride. A cool character, that one. Though he did laugh when I told Coworker A I'd totally 'fireman carry' her down four flights of stairs, despite the fact that she's about ten inches taller than me and about 200 pounds heavier. I'm He-Man like that sometimes, ya know?

We had to explain to Mr. FBI Dude that we were taking this seminar seriously, despite our messing around. It's not our fault - we are infrastructure, which is the corporate equivalent to being a Baboon. We're loud, annoying and rude. If our company could find a way to keep us corraled on our floor, with no access to any other floors, they would. In fact, I'm pretty sure they'd make us go through the back entrance if they could get away with it.

** One of my coworkers walked by my prison cell cube as I was taking this picture, gave me the squirrely eye, and said, 'you still playing with that damn doll? You fucking crazy.' Sigh. What makes this even funnier to me is that they don't know about this blog - they just think I'm doing it for my own amusement.


  1. Fan-fucking-tastic as always! Better get Mini-E a face mask though.. Don't want him catching Swine Flu... oh my apologies.. what is it now.. the H1N1 virus. :)

  2. Oh my goodness, i just think about this kind of seminar here in germany with a green BND guy (german kind of FBI, it just sounds not so cool;) ), and think i couldn´t stay serious!

    But JJ, in a real emergency case, Mini-E would be happy to rescue you!! He would not think one minute about being exposed to all the humans and just getting you save... *sigh*

    I have to get my one Mini-E !! Soon !!!

  3. I was so bummed the other night when I realized I didn't have any of my Pocket Edwards with me when the fire alarm went off in my hotel and the not hot firemen came to the rescue of some lady smoking in her non-smoking room. Oh, and PE wasn't with me only because I had to leave him at home...not because I wouldn't save him from a fire. I brought my super-cute purse with me this week instead of my big bad "I'm gonna knock you out if you don't get out of my way now bitch" purse.

  4. u never cease to amaze me JJ! In all honesty though, it there is an explosion, dont forget mini-E and then run to the remember me set to check on rob, maybe u can convince him that going wiht u to jersey will be the best idea

    Funny shit, as im reading this, R.E.M.'s "its the end of the world as we know it" was on on my itunes.

  5. I love that you take pictures of your Mini-E at work! Mine has yet to leave my basement. I should take him out more...

  6. JJ you complete bloody nutter! haha Duck and cover, love it.

    I totally cracked up reading - use head as battering ram and don't kick co worker whilst down.

    Oh, that reminds me I'm still waiting to hear back from Dolce & Gabbana about RPattz's HazMat suit from your impending shit-capade...

    Failing that, Drum roll please..... he'll always have 'Twitarded Woman' - she has perfected the Stop, Drop, Roll technique in one fail swoop!

    Stop - She'll grab RPattz by the crown jewels whilst drump humping and whisper sweetly in his ear that she wants to heave a havana in his trailer.

    Drop - He'll faint at the above comment, she'll land on top of him legs a kimbo. Next she'll plant a frenchy on him (only to prevent smoke inhalation of course).

    Roll - Do I really have to explain this next step??

    TA DA!! hahaha


  7. JJ - With RPattz, wouldn't it be more appropriately referred to as "Fuck and Cover"?? That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

  8. Duck and cover... because your wood veneered partical board desk can withstand falling iron and bocks of cement. Thats what they spoon fed me in California.

    Desks save lives.

  9. Awwww. Mini-E looks so, well, mini and vulnerable in that duck and cover shot. It is nice to know you have included him in your disaster prep. Something tells me Mini-E would be the FIRST thing you thought about in light of a would probably would be taking video and twittering about Mini-E fleeing the disaster. Second, would probably be that booze you have stashed in your cube (just a wild guess). Well, let's hope that it NEVER comes to this. It is nice to know you have Mini-E's back though.

    Love the imagery of your co-worker catching you taking photos of Mini-E in your cube. Keep letting your freak flag fly JJ--we heart you for it.

  10. I really should proof read my posts. Apologies for my horrific sentence structure and randomly placed words.

  11. I have been there and done that in a cube jungle. It is no fun. You have my symapthy. But at least you have Mini-Edward to spice things up.

  12. Of course you're crazy, but we mean that as the highest of praise and love you guys for it! How else would I get through the day in my cubicle without having this blog to read?!

    We had our office evac drills last week and boy was that exciting. They tried to make me the backup door monitor chick for my dept but I wasn't having it! At least it only took us 5 minutes to get out of the building and stand in the god-awful heat. Lil' Ed got to stay inside chilling on my desk...

  13. JJ:

    Considering Mini E's perpetually's a bit unfair for the safety instructor to expect him to be able to actually "duck" and cover—perhaps lie tantalizingly prone, and cover...?

    And on the other hand—isn't Edward indestructible, and in possession of superhuman strength? Then it stands to reason that Mini E should be able to hold up your collapsing desk, beneath which you are cowering....

  14. @latchkeywife~ "fuck and cover" is good, but honestly, would u want to cover it? COME ON NOW!!!! who wouldnt want the chance to walk around with a rob jr.? lol

  15. I love reading all your comments. They fucking kill me.

    @Latchkey Wife - fuck and cover?! I really might need to steal that one of these days. LOL!

    @VitaminR - LOL! I may or may not have a stash of booze at my desk. Everyone else just leaves theirs out but I prefer to be discreet. (Obviously this does not apply to mini Edward)

    @Venusattwlight - right? There is NO way this flimsy desk is saving me from anything!

    @Limey_1996 - As always, I'm speechless. Cuz' I'm laughing.

    @stopdazzlingme - Be careful. Once you unleash the Edward, it's nearly impossible to put him back in his cage.

    @IPW4F - ha ha! Now THAT is an appropriate song for this post!

    @FireCrotch - Big bad bitch purse? Hells yes! I have one of those, too. I can keep a sweater, shoes, laptop, lunch, wallet, makeup, Mini Edward AND I still have room for more. No wonder I'm starting to look like the Hunchback of Notre fucking Dame...

    You guys slay me!

  16. Too bad Mini E's legs don't bend. Would make it easier for him to duck.... We get to have a FBI security meeting tomorrow because I work in a bank and we've had some robberies in the area lately. Think Eddie would stop a bullet for me?
    btw-my word verification on the bottom of this is bledness-wtf??

  17. ROFLMAO!! If they only knew that you were doing it for tons of other twitards out there! I'd have loved to have been in that seminar room.. And instead of stepping over or on an injured co-worker i'd suggest using them as a defense mechanism. Use them to push people out of the way..

    hey guys keep voting! Twitarded is beating Dooce! Which just makes my day!

  18. Whoa Micheal Jackson died

    I know its not twilight related but still wow..

  19. How funny. Mini E is indestructible but at my home, there is a greater threat than anything natural. It's a big 80 lb beast of a dog named Lily that has been watching him since the day he arrived. The thought of me having to pull him from a big pile of smoking brownies gives Mini E nightmares and makes him shake uncontrollably.

  20. awww someone beat me to "fuck and cover"! lols anyway...

  21. I,too, feel like a baboon...

  22. Do you consider Mini E your child? If so, it could come in handy if someone calls out "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!" It could make all the difference in an emergency.

  23. Thoughts on the Mini E...
    I was surreptitiously milling through a Borders (okay, so I drove about 15 miles out of my way to actually set foot in one for the first time!) today, looking for the US mag featuring Twilight...I could not resist. I bought a Mini E for myself. He'll be accompanying me to work tomorrow.

    I would have LOVED to have bought the nifty tin Twilight lunchbox to carry him around in, but I figured THAT was pushing it. Besides, locking him in a box like that just doesn't seem right to me!

    Toes out of the closet just a bit more...

  24. Hey, JJ! I too work for city infrastructure! For the city of Toronto...of course, we're currently on strike to the city is going to hell in a handbasket faster than you can say "Better hold on tight, Spidermonkey".

    I've only been there a short while but after reading your blog, I understand now why we are the only department to have their own escalator access....

    (i think i'm taking mini edward to walk the picket line with me tomorrow...)

  25. You're making getting a Mini-E rather hard to resist. Hmmm, whattodo, whattodo, whattodo?

    Not sure if this has been brought up before, but if Twilight was made during our teen years, who do you think would've been in the cast lineup? I was watching The Princess Bride on DVD and Cary Elwes was being rather dashing (and it reminded me of my teen crush on him) - hence the above thought.

    Well, it's TGIF in my part of the world so just another 2 hours and I'll be enjoying a glass of Sauv Blanc and hoping my Husband is running a bit late home so I can squeeze in a watching of Twilight. I think it's considered a problem when you hide it from those you love.

  26. so it seems i'm past tiwtarded, and hit a whole new i wrote up a comment but never hit publish!
    ahhhh dear! anyways...

    so this post totally had me pissing my pants! and singing "cool guys don't look back at explosions"... (cool guys meaning jj and mini e) .... i would tots do a duck and cover with rpattz ;)

    me wants a mini e, like a fat kid wants cake!

  27. I love being your newest Twitard.

    your blog cracks me up and I'm in South Africa. I hear it takes alot. LOL

  28. Spewing coffee over my monitors yet again! I have this mental picture of you and Mini E ducking and covering in your cube!

    My twitard came out again yesterday at work.. A retired co-worker brough in her grandson and his name just happens to be Jackson. So what was my first comment... "Is his mom a twilight fan??" Of course she wasn't and there I am again slinking back to my cube trying to tuck my twitardness away again and appear to be a professional. Bwa


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