Tuesday, June 23, 2009

New Moon Book Cover Goes Bodice-Ripper!

What is going on in that background?! Are those the Lost Boys?

Okay, okay. I HAVE to put my two (or three, or ten dollars worth) cents about this new New Moon book cover that was recently released (info. courtesy of EW.com)... WTF?! Did they hire some down-on-their-luck Harlequin Romance cover hack to throw that hot mess together??? I don't even have photoshop and I could have manipulated the whole "Edward/man-on-the-moon" thing better! Nice shadowing, people - if you wanted Edward's nose to look phallic, your work is done! It's a classic pose...for a cheesey dollar-store bodice-ripper.

I see some similarities here...

I've never been a fan of the "Now a Major Motion Picture!" book covers to begin with, but... Let's get the obvious out of the way, shall we? Never mind that they seem to have gone the Fabio-esqe way of really lame romance novel covers but... isn't Jacob supposed to be Bella's friend? I can only speak for myself but, in general, I don't go around 'tunin' in Tokyo' on my BFF's chest, you know? And the expression on her face is not exactly "friendly." It's... bedroom-y. As in sex, if I need to spell it out (which I strongly suspect I don't, given the nature of our readers). Did the person who made this even read the book? Because I am thinking maybe not...

Secondly, this is totally ruining all the angsty wah-wah-ness of New Moon for me!!! Um, helloooooo, Bella is supposed to be upset--tortured! writhing in emo-pain!--that Edward dumped her ass!! She was a near-catatonic zombie, remember? Charlie thought he was going to have to have her committed - she was THAT upset about Edward leaving. Scroll back up, look at that book cover - does she look upset to you?

NO! She looks like she's about to lick that tattoo off of Jacob's arm and then do other really naughty dirty things to him with her tongue. Her mind's clearly on doing Jake and then whipping up a couple of ham sandwiches afterwards.

Which brings me to third point: isn't the Twilight series supposed to be geared toward tweens? Young adults? Did you all SEE the younguns hanging out on the set of "Remember Me"? Stuffing their little-girl love notes into every available nook and cranny of Robward's car? Yeah, them.

New Moon is about coming to terms with heartbreak and loss. It's gut-wrenching. It's about finding a friend in the face of adversity. It's NOT about contemplating boning said friend (though, admittedly, she does think about it in her sweet Bella way...).

This book cover is NOT New Moon. Unless New Moon is actually a trashy romance novel where Jacob takes his purple headed warrior and -

Never mind. I've said my piece.


  1. Love this post! The cover is totally "dirty romance novel that you hide under the bed so your parents don't find it." (Luckily I'm almost 30 and don't have to hide my trashy novels anyore!)

  2. JJ!

    Here is my comment from earlier this evening, on this very topic, from Robsessed:

    Oh ladies:

    My urge to deconstruct this book cover is stronger than Jasper's need to ravage leaky little Bella's paper cut....

    Book covers undergo multiple rounds of scrutiny before they are ultimately approved; all of the cover elements and imagery are extremely deliberate.

    So then why is ultra-pale Edward looking so dusty? Did they feel compelled to apply the leftover contouring makeup from Abgate?

    And am I the ONLY one who sees something terribly phallic in the way they have shaded the perimeters of poor Edward's nose??

    June 23, 2009 5:37 PM

    So JJ, my like-minded friend:

    My initial objections focused on the more awkward, aesthetic shortcomings of the cover design.

    And these aesthetic shortcomings do misleadingly imply that the pages contained therein are laden with explicit sexual content. (Which we KNOW THEY ARE NOT. Dammit.)

    But now I think I see where the cover designers have built themselves an "out"—a visual and symbolic "escape hatch," if you will:

    Bella's right hand. That is, Bella's CUPPED right hand.

    Fingers folded into palm=confusion and restraint; not committed to engaging in romantic interlude with Jacob.

    But fingers extended, lying flat on Jacob's chest would have=give a dog a bone!!

  3. Ok, even I want to lick the tattoo off that boy and it grosses me out because he's a little boy!!! Gah!!!

    But seriously, this has NOTHING to do with what's going on in the book! Weird.

  4. I totally thought bodice-ripper, too, when I first saw that today. But I hadn't noticed Robward's phallic nose and now I can't unsee it.

  5. I'm right there with ya sister. It looks like Bella is holding her middle together like in the book ... then thinks "hey, I might as well cop a feel while I'm here!"
    Werewolf or not, if my 17-year-old came home with a tattoo that big I'd kick his ass across Forks.
    And thanks, JJ, for the visual with Edward's nose (at least you didn't call IT a purple headed warrior!) Now I'll have to go watch Kill Pussycat about 20 times to re-appreciate that perfect face.
    This cover makes as much sense as, well, the stupid-ass tulip does!
    - Suz

  6. WOW. What were they thinking???
    Bella does not look like she doesn't know how to go on without Edward here. She does look a tiny bit upset to me, but it's more along the lines of "Jacob, please bone me... NOW"- you know, the pent-up frustration of that thought.
    I don't wanna talk about the rest of it. That boy is illegal and my Edward looks effing creepy.

  7. hmmm, i like it. team jacob!
    *ducks* >.<

  8. @ JJ - Brilliant and funny as all hell!

    Where can we come to read about Phallic noses (bent one at that) and Fabio and nipple radio tuning and the purple headed warrior all on the same post?!? Like I said, Twitarded of course the only place to be. haha

    Lost Boys - you crack me up!

    Remember the kids book Goodnight Moon - Goodnight Moon, Goodnight scary Edward face jumping over the moon, WTF??

    Bella definatly has f*ck me sideways eyes with a super duper WonderBra and he looks as if he's thinking, k rock right in front, wham bam thank you ma'am.

    Totally agree with you, this is not New Moon in the slightest!

    Power to the people! :)

  9. and, and, and sorry, sorry, sorry, forgot the comma, comma, commas, tired, tired, tired, ZZZzzzzzzzz :)

  10. ...and another thing... Bella hasn't shown that much skin since she left Phoenix. Step away from the space heater, bitch, and put some clothes on. Edward will be sooo disappointed in you when he gets out of that moon. - Suz

  11. Um, yeah, no. Me no likey at all. Your assessment was spot on.

  12. @ JJ "'tunin' in Tokyo' on my BFF's chest" totally killed me

    she's in the weirdest pose...

  13. I wonder what the exclusive poster inside looks like. I'm thinking a Bella sandwich threesome style.

  14. I know eddie tends to lean towards the emo side of life, but when the hell did he start wearing eyeliner?

    and are there like zombies coming out of the fog behind them? and edward doesn't even look like rpattz a little :(

    thanks i'll stick to the tulip cover!

  15. Once you mentioned the phallic nose my mind totally went to the gutter thinking of Robward's nose in phallic ways...hmmmmmmm.....OK, snap out of it!

    I totally agree with you that it looks totally sexed up. If that is KStew acting angst and confused about getting it on I would LOVE to see her 'fuck me now' look. She totally wants Taycob in that photo. Most definitely not 'New Moon'.

    Robward looks like he as been hanging out with Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran in that photo--what up with all the eyeliner and shadowing? That is most definitely not how I pictured his "thirsty" eyes.

    Is that young kid that did all the promo photos for 'Twilight' doing them again for 'New Moon'? I think they need to look at some of the fanmade posters and take note.

    I second you Limey_1996--Power to the People!!!!

  16. Uhmm, i can´t help myself but Eddie-in-the-moon reminds me of..., (omg don´t blame me)
    always-a-pain-in-the-ass-Frodo. Shit, this is sooooo wired!! No i have to get this out of my head, i hope watching Kill Pusycat helps :-)) i mean, Edward - Frodo ?? No, no no NO!!!!

    I don´t like this posters at all, but honestly i didn´t like the Twilight posters either. I had a tiny hope that they would make it better for New Moon, uhmm now i hope for Eclipse....

    I´m sooo Team Edward, but Jacob here looks just great - just forget his age !!!. Maybe this poster somehow just shows his daydreams? I mean he definitely dreams about holding Bella like this and this would also explain why here her boobs look so pimpt ..

  17. The Lost Boys...... you've done it again -- made me spit my coffee out as I'm reading your posts. hysterical.

    I have to disagree with one point in your post. While the books were intended to be teen novels, I'm beginning to wonder if things are really directed at the 30+ crowd of women who so clearly drool and obsess over guys that are potentially young enough to be their own children. Wait. Scratch that. Young enough to be their younger siblings from their parents' second marriages. Yeah, that's better.

  18. yep, that cover really looks like a copy of harlequin/silhouette paperback. EPIC FAIL! it's just eww...seriously.

  19. JJ/STY: check your twitarded gmail... I have something to send you guys -lys

  20. JJ - nice breakdown and totally agree. It's a total misrepresentation. While they were at it, I don't see why they didn't have Bella shirt torn a little across the chest to emphasize the 'romance'. I mean that's totally how I roll with my guy friends.

  21. This cover is fucked up on so many levels..it would probably have been more entertaining to just see Jacob banging Bella Doggie Style on the cover while giving Quil a blowjob. Oh wait...maybe that is what the poster inside is...

  22. STY was actually the one who pointed out Edward's schlong, er, I mean nose. But boy oh boy is that phallic.

    And he DOES kind of look like Frodo!! Nooooo. Quick, where is that Faster Pussycat video - must erase this image...

    @Melp - I'm thinking you may be on to something. They are finally realizing that the 30+ set are just as obsessed with these boys as the tweens. Only our thoughts are much... dirtier. LOL!

  23. Sorry, is it just me or does that friggin rock look like Jabba the Hutt?? Jeezy Creezy the cover gets worse everytime I look at it.

    Maybe I need another cup of tea.. :)

  24. Your right this cover does look like a cheezy romance cover.

    Oh and Edward does look like Frodo, ewwww...

  25. I just wanna know if that's wolves transforming in the background or zombies. They're kinda creepy. And remind me of that Lord of the Rings dude/creature.

    From the looks of the cover, the book is a romance story with zombies attacking them.

  26. Hah! So commercialized, and yes, this cover would seem geared more toward the hormone-flustered cougar women than the teeny boppers the Man thinks something like this would appeal to. Or maybe teeny boppers don't mind this at all, but then where's the "good role model" feel the same marketers have been cheesily promoting? So Hollywood. This is exactly why I hate it when the movie industry attempts to take a story over and markets WHATEVER it thinks the fans will quickly swallow up. Anything for a quick sell: "pimped-out" is spot on. As if only sex is what has made Twilight so endearing to all ages.

    This cover does exactly what I think the Twilight movie did: appeal to the fanbase by inducing hormone rushes... as if the story needs any more of that! I am so glad devoted fans of all ages understand this saga is so much more than teens running around horny. It's about experiencing a depth of acceptance, devotion, selflessless- all the characteristics that make love REAL, even if it isn't reciprocated. This has never been some surface, hormone-induced infatuation, otherwise the story wouldn't resonate with so many. In Twilight, we've discovered that people can be expressive of their love without being perverted about it- though we Twitards don't need Stephenie's imagination to spice things up. On that note, we especially don't need some dime store shelf Harlequin wanna-be book cover to dictate our fantasies either.

    If this damned image is indicative of what the New Moon movie has to offer, I'll wait for your two cents worth, JJ, before I go see it. THANK YOU GUYS FOR BLOGGING. The Man doesn't need my paltry $10 to further defile the story and characters my tween-age daughter and middle-aged cougar ass have come to love. As devoted fans of Edward and Bella's (and yes, even Jacob's) TRUE story, we'll stick to the books.

    Oh, and finally, even though Stephenie Meyer seems to approve of all this mayhem, I'm glad you guys keep things real.

  27. Plan and simple, LOL! :) I'm suppa clever no?

  28. Meyer also seemed to think Twilight was good, and that KStew could act. I think it may be in her contract not to malign the movies. It wouldn't be the first time an author had a gag order on them.

    The thumbnail image puts a real Labrynthe spin on it, starring Edward as Bowie. Bella, you remind me of the babe...

  29. Look out! I can feel an old Beatles song coming on, altogether now...

    'Edward in the sky with diamonds'.

    Told you it was getting worse, ARGH!


  30. That cover is wrong on so many levels...... it annoys me as much as the new moon poster..... jacob need not have his hands on bella nor hers on him.

    the edward moon thing just scares me, like not doing it for me in the slightest, and thats prob the 1st time ive said that in terms of our drear robward

  31. I dunno - It doesn't even look like "Edward" to me at all. I was like, "Why is some emo dude in the background. Wait, is that Robward?" Weird.

    And then I thought, "Why does Bella look like she ate some bad Chinese and is getting a special hug from behind from Jacob?" Again, weird.

    Not impressed. Epic Fail is right.

  32. I agree with all the Romance novel similarities.

    What I don't get is that we have sooo many talented people on line (makin' YouTube videos, re-vamping the New Moon posters, etc.) Why didn't they hold a contest? Any one of these artists would've done it for FREE!!! I bet they paid a pretty penny for nasal-phallic Edward, the Lost Boys from the 80's, and a trite attempt at the relationship between Bella and Jacob!

  33. @ JJ - Much, much dirtier thoughts.... like they could possibly be too dirty for even the NC-17 rating. Those tweens could never compete in the dirty thought contest! (Geez, what is wrong with me?)

    @ Limey - I had to go back to look at the photo, but holy shit, that rock DOES look like Jabba the Hut! LOL!

  34. You know who does any of the twilight merchandising and marketing? To me, and it's just my opinion is that it all sucks. The story is great and I love me some Twilight but Twilight had a very indie flick feel and right now, I dunno know. First the cheesy wolf transformation and now the cheesy, cover. I'm just trying to figure out if the person responsible for their marketing actually read Twilight? :)

  35. Tuning in Tokyo! LOL!

  36. you guys are hilarious! I'm a new Twilighter so is great to find fellow folk whahahahah

    Have to say my first thought was that it looks more like Frodo from LOTR!!! I see Danny beat me too it!! have to go watch Twilight now to get the REAL Edward back!!!

  37. Seriously, whomever thought of this book cover was on crack. Not twi-crack either because if the asshole had read the book, they would know, Bella would keep her distance not look like she is longing to jump "MR. I'm-a-sexy-underage-werewolf's bones.

    I completely agree, the book cover is horrid!!

  38. Woah, does anyone else think Edward looks like the Goblin King from Labyrinth?!

  39. Wonderful..thanks for the "windex moments"...

    I am thrilled to know I am not alone with regards to my thoughts on :

    the lost boys
    Cheesy romance cover
    Goblin king similarities
    muppet wolves

    Jabba the hut and the phallic nose are new complaints...thanks!!!



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