Friday, June 12, 2009

RIP, Twilight Merch... Make Way For New Moon!

It has come to my attention that Twilight merchandise - at least the stuff connected with the first movie - is going the way of parachute pants and dodo birds. And James. [And good riddance to the parachute pants! Guaranteed to make anyone who wasn't in need of an eating disorder intervention look like they'd stuffed a couple of sub sandwiches down their pants... But Cam, we'll miss you]. Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be much New Moon merchandise out there yet to take its place... But I'm waiting with bated breath!

I'll admit up front that I hated the images used on the Twilight movie poster and the associated merch with those pics. Probably for the best, though, since I would have otherwise spent a mint on all of it. And your damn right I'd be the proud owner of a life-size Edward Cullen cardboard cutout if it wasn't so creepy looking. If there was a life size "Edward Leaning on the Volvo Staring Moodily Across the Parking Lot" I'd buy it - Volvo and all - and would deal with the ensuing kerfuffle with Mr. Snarky somehow... After seeing the New Moon poster, I can't WAIT for the new items to hit the stores! And it will be just in time, since the shelves are currently pretty barren...

Where can I get a life-size cutout of THIS please???

Case in point: Hot Topic usually has at least 4 or 5 pages of Twilight merchandise on their website. I checked in the other day because someone suggested that it would be great to win a mini-Edward from us, and I thought it sounded like a fabulous idea! I'd be like Twitarded Oprah: "YOU get a mini-Edward!...and YOU get a mini-Edward!... and YOU get a mini-Edward!!!" So I was disappointed to find that not only was mini-Edward out of stock, but they only had twenty or so Twilight pieces available. This is down from well over one hundred - and I guess now I will never get those Twilight band-aids I was coveting...sigh...

I decided an impromptu trip to "my" Hot Topic store - near my office - was in order so that I could check out the situation in person.

I've mentioned before that I think the folks who work at my local HT are swell. They don't make fun of me for my obvious and age-inappropriate Twilight obsession (at least not to my face). Even when I once asked to take a picture of Edward with the Twilight perfume, they were cool! And when I pre-ordered the dvd, they didn't even crack up as they handed me my invitation to the midnight release party that I didn't go to because Jenny Twatface had to go to some stupid [ok, important...] music festival with "ML." Not that I'm bitter. Still. Nope. Moving on...

The store has always been deserted when I make a mid-afternoon visit, and emboldened with my ever-increasing comfort with my level of Twitardedness, I drove over there envisioning a fun-filled escapade which would go a little something like this:

[Me walking into store, proudly brandishing mini-Edward, as he was on his home turf]
Snarkier Than You [to HT Staffer]: Is it OK if I take a few pictures??
HT Staffer: Absolutely! What for?
STY: Um, I have a Twilight blog and -
HTS: REALLY?! A Twilight blog?! Why that sounds AWESOME! What's it called?!
STY: I'll tell you if you pose for a picture with Edward...
HTS: Wow! Really? Hand the little dude over!
[store-associate-assisted retail mayhem ensues and I skip out of there twenty minutes later, victorious, and with oodles of cool pics of Edward frolicking amongst what's left of their Twilight merchandise]

Sadly, I forgot to take one VERY key thing into consideration: summer vacation. I realized my tactical error the moment I pulled into the parking lot of the mall and noted the distinct presence of teenagers. Inside, they were skulking everywhere (it was like watching a weird mating ritual that I only vaguely remember unfolding right before my eyes - think 'Mean Girls'). Heading towards Hot Topic, I felt like a total dork and I briefly consider giving some mall-rat ten bucks to go with me just so I don't feel as out of place. Feh - I'm too cheap. Instead, I decide to just take a Xanax deep breath and go in all by my lonesome (takin' one for the team!).

I learned a new "coping in public" method today (necessity is the mother of invention!). I am tentatively calling it "If I don't make eye contact with you, I can pretend you are not there (and dammit you'd better fucking play along)." Eyes fixed firmly on my shoes, I made my way around the semi-crowded store and only garnered enough attention to elicit one half-hearted "How are you, um, maam?" [ugh!] from the people working there. And then I took pictures anyway. And just pretended nobody was around, potentially giving me the stink-eye. OK, so this method did not offer sufficient protection from ridicule to bust out mini-E, but I snapped a few shots and got the hell outta dodge before they finished drawing straws to determine which one of them was going to approach the crazy lady and ask her wtf she thought she was doing.

Twilight on clearance?! WTF?!?

NM merch!!! [I said I took pictures... I didn't say I took GOOD pictures...]

Damn! Thwarted by a bunch of teenagers!

But now, let us pause for a moment to say goodbye to some of our favorites...

Cute punky pink-haired girl who actually fits into tiiiiny-sized Forks High tee...

Won't miss THIS pic of OME a bit... (Sorry!)

My FAVE button... (What will be the NM equivalent of "Say it. Out loud."???)

Angry-dude who would NEVER wear this...

..and cute pierced couple who would NEVER wear this...

...and last but not least "inexplicably older dude who must know someone on the HT board"

We will miss you all. Or not.

P.S. When did Hot topic and Fredericks of Hollywood merge???


  1. Well, that sounds like a...good time? You are so brave. I am so proud to know you. I would deny knowing you in public but on this blog you and me are tight!
    Seriously, very funny post. I have a younger bro & sis, so I can still go in HT under the guise of hanging with them. You can borrow them if you like.

  2. I completely sympathize! I wouldn't have gone in there without underage supervision lol so you are braver than I. As much as I want to get the New Moon shirt I don't know if I will. I will MOST DEFINITELY get the poster but i'm still in a contemplative mode for shirt purchase.

  3. You did fabulous!

    Yeah its kinda disturbing to think of Hot topic and FOH together.. Hmm interesting to say the least.. It's gonna make me question the next time my 12 year old niece asks me to take her to hot topic!

  4. My first adventure into hot topic went something like this...
    Clerk: "Hi can I help you find anything?"
    Me, staring at my shoes: "No thanks"
    Just Erin, proudly: "We're looking at your twilight merch."
    Me, still staring at my shoes.

    Next trip into hot topic together was the morning of the movie awards we didn't plan it we were both dressed in our best hungover clothes (read: comfortable and possibly clean?) and we were very happy to discover that all twilight tees were 50% off! However, hot topic cut their "women's" tees for girls who breasts hadn't developed yet, so I went to the "mens" and happily got a tee that said only twilight for $10 and promptly cut it up to make it look more girly. JE got the cullen baseball shirt, super cute.

    The clerk was very friendly again, and informed us that the new moon merch would be there soon, and JE replied casually as we rooted through what buttons were left.. "Oh we know we saw pictures of a store in California online already." Do you think we succeeded in scaring them with our obsession? :) I hope so.

    Anyway, I am sad to see the merch go... I still want the vinyl of the sound track. And there were no more snap bracelets :(

  5. That's funny about HT. I don't feel weird going in there at all but maybe cause I'm in Hawaii and the few goth/emo kids that try to hang out there usually get the evil eye from me. As if they know punk, pffff. Back in my day... j/k. :)
    Plus it's like freaking a hundred degrees and WTF are you wearing all black here for? So usually my store is just filled with normal peeps out here in the 808. No Julia Roberts/Pretty Woman/strange feeling when you go to our HT. I'm sad about the Edward doll being gone. Damn IT!!

  6. Your braver then me!

    Everytime I try to go to Hot Topic it's swamped with tweens and gaffawing boys. It's reminisant of a Y2K stampeed in 1999!

    One day, one glorious (teens are back in school) day, I will brave the store that holds my beautifl Rob as reverantly as I do, and buy everything and anything Twilight related. Sighs...

  7. *pouts* I went to buy my Mini E tonight from Chapters, and they had NONE!!!!!!
    (So tomorrow I'm going to try Blockbuster, I will own a Mini E...I will I WILL!!!)

    But I did get an Edward sticker and a button that says I love boys that sparkle! So it wasn't a complete fail, but close.

    Hummm I wonder what NM merch will be like.....

  8. @STY--You kill me. Lurking about the HT store taking it! I totally agree those hipster models would never wear Twilight merch--too freakin' funny......they might wear Twidarded merch though because your logo is the BEST!

    Today I was at our local costume/party store with my daughters and they had the Edward lifesize cut-out dressed up Hawaiian style. I have no shame and took photos with my I need to figure out how the heck to download them. The cashier who was probably in her mid twenties immediately started talking Twilight with me. It was all good.

    FYI--I just looked on Amazon and they still have the Edward action figure--that is where I got mine (both of them--yes, I ordered two).

  9. Being that I have been shopping at Hot Topic for YEARS now, I've NEVER thought twice about going into the store. HOWEVER, about a month ago I went to said store with two of my children (not all four because I am insane, but sometimes not completely stupid). Now there I was walking on MY turf, complete with a stroller, no clue that somehow I was breaking some sort of rule or code. I sashayed my way over to the Twi-merch, because COME ON NOW like that wasn't why I was there. I was blissfully looking at the buttons and random Twi-crap when my son pulled on my shirt and said VERY loudly, "Mommy, why is that weird guy staring at us?" Well, I turned to look and what to my wondering eyes, turns out I was a spectacle!! I wanted to stick out my tongue at that smart ass kid who worked there. I've been shopping there since before he was born DAMN IT. He was on my turf and not only that but my TWILAND! Back the f@ckery off!

    *deep breathe*

    So yeah, that pissed me off. And I thank you for allowing me to rant. Because we all know I tend to do such things.

    Great post STY!! Just give them the stank eye and take your pictures, because that's your world. The End.

  10. Is it just me or does the background of the new shirt look like mustard attacked it?

    Oooh and I totally forgot, my friend works at HT. Maybe she can get me a discount since I don't live near a store. Too bad those Forks High School tees are "extra snug fit" and they only have small left, maybe it could fit my teddy bear or some future child of mine?

  11. Hahaha that was great! I feel suddenly relieved now for my, ahem, almost-freaking-out episode of last night when I saw the New Moon poster beautifully displayed at the local Muvico Theater over the Coming Soon sign. It was like that movie 13 Going on 30, only I am 30 and I time-traveled to 13 again when I decided to not give a damn to the witnesses around me and snap a picture of it. That's also when my boyfriend walked away in embarrassment... Oh well. Edward would understand. :)

  12. The last time I went into a HT it was so packed with punk rock prostitots I couldn't even get to the Twilight merch.

    Which is why I love STY so much. That bitch gets it done.

    @honolulu girl - Goth kids look silly enough, I can only imagine how weird it would be to see on in a state that is hot as hell! LOL!

    @VitaminR - Man, I can't WAIT to see those pictures!

  13. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks the NW poster/shirt is kinda dumb. Don't get me wrong, it's the new background on my computer, but only till one better comes along!! I've already purchased my Twilight Forks High Spartans t-shirt...the guys one of course because, like most of us Twitards, I'm not built like a pre-pubecent 12 year old girl. LOL Why don't they just call the guy sizes what they are? Big-boned lady sizes?? LOL Dudes really won't wear the guy sizes right??

  14. I was going to post about Team Six Pack's and my Adventures Into Hot Topic --- but she beat me to the punch.

    I'm always of the opinion - let my freak flag fly --- and why should I be afraid of the goth kids? Seriously - I could wear too much dark makeup and dress like a widower from the 19th century if I wanted to too.

    PS- I know what you mean about the skanky lingerie - I saw something that looked like a tutu for 15 year old whore and was some what frightened and confused.

  15. Nice! Something to look forward to! I'm so old, I don't even know if there IS a Hot Topic in my area! Sad... Oh, well, I can't even come close to saying anything clever today. Yard work sucks the fucking cleverness right out of me! Happy Weekend Åll!

  16. This made me choke on my cereal. Yes, eating it at 2pm. Anyway, I was laughing so hard my husband thought I was a freaking psycho shaking his head as I explained to him your horror story. I have been begging to go to hot topic. I want an Edward doll soooo bad!! I'll have to beg just like I did for the poster by the toilet. He thinks I am sick. Probably divorce me one day because Edward as intruded. Anyway, brilliant! I love your blog. My first comment btw... I braved it by coming out of my closet. It's me, the twilight porn dreamer- wiseojelly

  17. haha, as always bloody brilliant!

    Yes, I couldn't imagine any guy wearing anything Twilight. I am not anorexic or bulimic so nothing will fit me but I did brave the store and the people worked there freaked me out, it was like walking into The Underworld, so did a quicky shifty around and decided to buy online much safer...haha Got some cool stuff on clearance. Oh and Urban Collector sells mini Edward dolls etc.

    @JJ-sorry if my vag fart and pidgeon mating call comment freaked you out! I only meant that the Manhattan pidgeons would come flocking not all the ones from the NY Boro's!!!! hahaha

    Cannot wait for the next chapter of 15 Steps.......... :)

    Soccer sunburn AGAIN! Ouch, bloody, ouch!

  18. STY:

    Too hilarious!

    I presciently commented about my brief, virgin infiltration of Hot Topic a few days ago, but I will follow up with this observation:

    A less, uh, painful point of penetration for perusing Twilight merchandise than teen retailers is the fye store...where I have found myself, as of late, actually encouraging the little Robinsanes to spend loads of time "checking out the new Webkinz," while Mommy Robinsane supervises from the legally acceptable distance of the Twilight display....

    And Latchkey Wife: Maine Mall, S. Portland, has a Hot Topic. Ayuh! ;P

  19. @Mrs. Robinsane - Thanks, I'll have to check it out (in disguise of course!) Although that did freak me out a bit that you were able to direct me to the actual closest Hot Topic - are you psychic?

  20. Hi Latchkey:

    Perhaps I am, like Alice, a bit psychic...but more to the point, you and I live in roughly the same 'hood.

    *fellow Mainer (or, as I prefer, Mainiac)*

  21. You're a braver woman than me, 'cause I wouldn't go there even if I were a teenager. I was a big coward then, and it's only gotten slightly better in the manymany years since. If I can't get it online or bribe someone else to get it, I don't get it. I found my Mini Edward on an online action figure store.

    I am getting braver about taking pictures of Mini Edward out in public, though. I succeeded in embarrassing my coworkers yesterday and my husband today. That probably means I should have been embarrassed for myself, too...

  22. @limey_1996 - Never!! LOL. Trust me, it takes a lot to freak me out. In fact, I sometimes get alarmed when I think 'huh, I probably should have been offended by that'. Sigh.

    Chapter 4 is coming soon! Promise!

    @fragilelittlehuma - If you've suddenly realized that you should have been embarrassed but wasn't... you're officially twitarded. The social filters will be collapsing like a house of cards from here on out. ;P

  23. The Volvo they used in New Moon is currently for sale at a local Volvo dealership here in could have that.

  24. @piscesFriction - I need a car! Well, not really. But I am probably the only able-bodied person in New Jersey over the driving age limit who does not own or drive a car. And NO I didn't get a DWI, lol.

    That Volvo sure was nice... except that I would drive like it was Bella's truck. Probably deserves to go to someone who would actually hit the gas once in awhile...

  25. AAAHHH HT! The last time Ms J and I went in there we were on the hunt for the mini E and Bella dolls..we were searching everywhere and the little chick behind the counter was like "can I help you find something ma'am"...MA' know you are too fucking old to be somewhere when they call you "ma'am" instead of "miss". Anyway-we were like "NO! We will just keep searching till we find what we are looking for"..she says "whatcha looking for" and we both say "NOTHING! It's too embarrasing"..LOL! After we found our dollies we were like "SCORE!!!!" and then she gave us the "OOOOOOHHH you are one of THOSE people" looks! Fuck her though! I got my doll! and I'd do it again! We have No Shame! Hell, we are the same people who almost got kicked out of the FYE for rubbing the cardboard Edward thingie...HA Ha!! Ms M

  26. @JJ-ok, cool! I don't freak out much, I try not to take anything seriously, I just crack the hell up. haha My mum stills says "when are you grow up honey, you are married with kids?". I really hope never! I still feel like I'm 21 and life is too damn short!! :)

  27. @limey 1996 - [and this is STY i'm just taking over JJ's computer for a sec] - my mom gave me a very serious-looking black leather briefcase/tote a few years back for my birthday - i squealed and said "This makes me feel like such a grown-up!!" and then she reminded me how old I am... lol! well, "grown up" is a state of mind, and i do NOT want to go to there - lol!

  28. @SNY - Touche!! Life is for living!

    Today my son was watching YouTube and I heard the new Eminem's one come on and I was singing along But the mumsy part of me kicked in and said "does he swear in this song?" He said "no, just says glueteus maximus and about Jessica Alba's breast"... "Oh, I said is that all?? TURN IT OFF!!!". Bloody hell! haha
    But must admit the video is hilarious! :)

  29. m.o.p.m.n. ( my own personal mike newtown) has stated for the newxt gift giving holiday he is getting me the edward cut out......fucken awkward? a lil. But more awkward was when he said he tried ordering me the edward blanket and it was sold out!!! ......... boy is getting desperate


  30. I'm not even sure if we have a HT in my city, but I am seriously considering going in there if we do! I will take strength from you two though and hopefully will not chicken out. I just have to keep chanting, if JJ and STY can do this, so can I, damnit!

    I will admit however that just last week my only offline fellow Twilight headed friend and I went to a fricking Toys R Us to buy mini Edwards and I made her do the dirty deed and pay for them. I totally threw her under the bus!

  31. After reading all this, I feel like taking a trip to my local Hot Topic and caressing every Twilight-related thing there while moaning Edward's name. What type of looks do you think I'd get...?? I actually got my Mini E at Newbury Comics and really did pick up every piece of merchandise like I was going to buy it... but ended up just getting the Mini E and a book (with lots and lots of pictures!!) They had all that Twi-related jewelry that the Cullens wear but I thought that might be going just a big too far!!

  32. Yea the big Twi-sale was Memorial Day weekend. Everything was clearanced out and my HT stores were selling tshirts for like $5. To which I proudly scored my Emmett Tshirt, my Runs with Vampires Tshirt and my Edward and Bella t shirt. I also scored my Team Edward hoodie for $12 (normally $40). Also in the bag were my two Edwards, cool Edward with the shades and not so cool Edward sans shades...oh, yea, and Bella. Also got the very cool carrying case, which I proudly use as a purse and have gotten so many compliments on it's not even funny.

  33. @ Latchkey Wife
    NEWBURY COMICS!!!!!!! oh how I miss Newbury Comics. :'(

  34. I wanted to check out the new merchandise this weekend but was "scared off" by the pack of teenagers who came out. I'm impressed by your bravery! It really just depends on the day and how brave I'm feeling and Saturday was just not the day. Now, about two months ago I had NO problem going in and buying the Edward pjs . . . :)

  35. ooooh you can find all of those sold out items on ebay!!! =D


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