Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Introducing Your Rob Obsession to Your Mate

So, tonight I'm in the kitchen with ML and we're playing with two heads of broccoli, like the mature adults we obviously aren't. Food rarely gets cooked in our house for some reason. Rather than actually cook the shit we either a) let it rot in our refrigerator which should, for all intents and purposes, forever be known as 'where food goes to die' or b) we end up playing with it, throwing it at each other, or leaving it to rot a very lonesome death elsewhere. Like our pantry. Or counter. The irony of this is that we painstakingly select, pay good money for, and schlep said food home from the local Stop-N-Shop, better known as Stop-N-Go-Broke or, if I'm particularly bitchy, the Stop-N-Rape-Me.

I need photoshop so I can manipulate the fazuk out of this logo and immediately get sued...

Once I've had my fill of pretending the heads of broccoli are armpit hair and ML has exhausted every ball-sack joke he can think of (and he knows many), I casually say 'So, do you mind if I hang up pictures of Edward in the back room [aka The Lair]?'

Um...........................................wha-what was I talking about?

I've already managed to hang a few small pictures up in an attempt to ease ML into the HUGE Roblicisousness that is destined to come my way once STY finally relinquishes my copy of US Magazine's The Sexy Stars of Twilight special. STY always gets two copies of everything for us and, between you and I, I suspect she violates the shit out of my copy and keeps hers pristine [Note from STY - it's just gonna end up on the floor next to your toilet anyway - once denuded of the posters, natch - so I might as well have my way with it first...].

ML, darling that he is, considers this - seriously! - and replies, 'Well, that depends. Are they framed?'

For reals?! All I have to do is frame Robward's sexy face and I can wallpaper the computer room with them? I love that man. ML, that is. Okay, okay: RPattz, too. Don't make me choose, dammit. But don't tell ML, either.

Naturally, I text STY. ML doesn't understand that I have to relay EVERY conversation to her. He keeps telling me just to marry her and be done with it. The second one of us grows a penis, consider this done. Although we'll still keep the guys around because they've grown on us over the years. It's a really good thing he doesn't read this blog... : )
Priceless. I asked ML if I could hang pics of RPattz in the back room and he said it depended on whether they were framed.
To which she responds:
Oh if framing is a prerequisite [who the hell else uses that word in a text? Riddle me that, Robward] we are SO getting them framed.
Which was quickly followed by (because STY really is a smart cookie)
he doesn't know about the poster-filled mag, does he? LOL!
And no, he doesn't. Poor bastard.

In my defense, I feel perfectly justified in having RPattz pictures in the back room because I am the one who orchestrated the pin-up girl decor in our bathroom. And I'm talking about 'real' women, not one of those sticks I see tottering around in the city that I want to tackle and force-feed a stromboli.
Look, I'm barely over five feet tall and, while I'm not considered overweight, I'm... wide. We're talking linebacker. If my shoulder width were a wingspan, I would look like someone stuck Eagle wings on a Hummingbird. I believe the term is 'a shit brickhouse' (or something like that...). I actually once spent 45 minutes of pure unadulterated and potentially mortifying terror literally stuck in a dress in an H&M dressing room once because of my girth. And I mean stuck. Arms over the head, dress bunched around my neck, in the throes of a holy-fucking-shit-they're-going-to-have-to-call-the-fire department-and-bring-the-jaws-of-life-to-get-me-out-of-this freak out kind of stuck.

First I panicked. Then I hopped up and down. Then I flailed around, possibly making tiny, hysterical whimpering noises (there is no proof of that). Then I paced. Then I managed to wiggle the cloth over my gigantic shoulders, tits and ribcage. Ahhhh, I could breathe, sort of. But I couldn't get the dress off. I wiggled it further, thinking I could get it over my hips (HA HA HA!!!)... nope. I put it back on. Finally, in desperation, I Incredible-Hulked that mother fucker. The fabric gave a little but not enough. I started wondering how long it would take STY to drive to the mall and pull that fucking thing off because there was NO way I was leaving that dressing room with a gawddamn dress stuck around my big fat melon head. [Another note from STY - you DID text me. and ML was right outside - he probably heard your grunting and wondered wft you were up to in there - lol!]

Get... mother effin'... dress... OFF!!!!... Now!!!

But I digress. Hate when that happens.

Where was I...? Oh yeah, the Rob pictures (blasphemy! How could I have forgotten that!). ML and I went back and forth until it became obvious I wasn't going to let it go and that he was holding out form more than mere frames. So we made an agreement: I can hang up all the posters I want of RPattz in our back room if he can hang up his Star Wars and Clint Eastwood posters as well.

It's a DEAL! [Does small mental victory dance] He has NO IDEA how large a collection of posters STY and I have already amassed! Suuuuuuucker!!!!

Our 'office' is going to look like a fourteen year old lives in it. New high? New low? I haven't decided...

And did I mention that ML forgot one important thing? He never specified I had to hang is shit where people can see it. And that room has a nice big closet... which is pretty much going to be all the wall-space available after we get through with the Robward and Twilight posters...

60 comments:

  1. OMG, the tears are rolling down my face! I swear I haven't laughed that hard in sometime. You go girl! Break out the Twilight posters and of course, Robward needs to be front and center.

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  3. Big win for you, JJ - that's awesome! New high DEFINITELY. You're getting to do what we all wish we could do!
    I just bought that magazine today. Holy hell, all those freaking beautiful posters in there. My GAWD...
    Thanks for cracking me up, as always. Your dressing room story was hilarious. I can totally identify. Had a similar incident today while swimsuit shopping, of all things.

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  4. Feckin' Christ...hilarious! I have totally been there in the dressing room. Now I just order hold it up to my bodice and if it doesn't look like there is any remote wiggle-room, I don't even try it on. I will be hanging some of those large-ass posters in the bedroom...perhaps it will set the mood. Better dust off the Rabbit.

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  5. I'm reading this and i've got "Go all the way" playing in my head.. If you guys don't know what song that is i'm going to come beat you all with twilight posters!

    Anyhow.. LUV that you are gonna let him hang his stuff.. Even if its in the closet..ROFLMAO..
    I'm still trying to convince my hubs that hanging pics of Rob & Kellan n my room would enhance our sex life?

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  6. I think it's brick shithouse... which when you really break it down sounds rediculous.

    And I definitely consider it a new high. ::off to convince my significant other that we need a Twilight shrine::

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  7. I peed a little.
    That's how funny Hulking out is...
    I too may or may not have some Rob pics hanging on one or two walls in my house (closet)(behind bedroom door)...I ordered 2 of those damn magazines, er crackazines.

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  8. JJ i have been laughing so hard during this entire post that my roommate is one number away from dialing the asylum! i am actually surprised they don't have it on speed dial, but whatevs.

    absolutely HILARIOUS!

    da boss has spoken!

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  9. Yay for you! I must admit though all I can think about while reading this post is that you and STY have had this US poster mag and you haven't said a word about it until now? Is it pee your pants fabulous? Is it worth every penny?

    I, honestly, don't think I can get away with ordering this one without some husband fall-out. I certainly will not be able to hang them up unless I can con my 7 year old into it--is that appropriate?

    I have never wished more that I had a locker again that I could hang this kind of stuff in.....sigh.

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  10. Definitely a new high! I just got done having this conversation with my hubby yesterday cause it was my bday and I got some RPattz posters from my sweet little nephew. Hubby has a back room filled with sports posters so I decided it was only fair that I get to hang some posters of my own...he doesn't see it that way.

    Looks like I'll be making an executive decision here and adding RPattz in all his poster sized gloriousness to our decor :)

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  11. JJ~ its a high for you, a low for ML. as well as motivation for us that we can hang up RPattz

    i've slowly been transforming the basement into a "my dungeon" and i figured the walls were empty so why not put posters up....... this us weekly is comoing out just in time, not to mention i think my bff is buying me some from hot topiv this week as a present....


    ..... the BFF is also buying my the lunch box w/ thermos for when i start college again this fall!!

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  12. I forgot to add...you MUST post pics of "the lair" once you girls get done with it :)

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  13. I have to be honest, I've only seen the posters from afar... STY didn't let me get too close. But I plan on hanging them the second I get my greasy mitts around them!!!

    Y'all (I'm learning the accent from that one time I was in Texas?)crack me up.

    Oh @ anon- I'm pretty sure you're right on both counts. It is a brick shithouse and it doesn't make sense anyway. LOL! One of these days I'm going to look that up.

    Ok, I'm beat. Done. Game over. For the next (checks clock, grimaces, stomps feet) seven hours, at least. Six? Five? Ugh.

    Thank you for the comments!!!

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  14. Holy shit you nutty cow! haha I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall. I can just imagine you with that dress stuck around your neck thrashing about with muffled swear words. haha I had the same problem with a sports bra, those shitty things should come with a warning label - Don't attempt to try this on if you have "D" cups, else you'll only get it as far as your elbows, or if you're lucky enough to get it over your tits, don't be alarmed at the Quasimodo lump on your back as this is where your tits are now!!!

    Ok, so here are some quotes from your newly framed office wall:

    "Go ahead, make my day"
    "Say it, out loud, say it"
    "Luke, I am your father" haha

    Erm, how much wine did you consume tonight.. Brick shithouse is that what you said, or was it shit brickhouse?? Nutter! haha

    "Like I said, Twitarded the only place to be"....

    :)

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  15. And don't worry, all! Er, or "y'all" since JJ's feelin' all twangy tonight... Anyway, you will definitely be hearing, reading and SEEING more about The Sexy Stars of Twilight" here in the new future! Even finding it was a challenge but worth every second (and every penny at ten bucks a pop - lol!).
    : )

    Oh and I think we're getting the lunch-box/thermos combo for NM release night - gotta have something to keep out Twilight Voddie Lemonade chilled and our Sniffs tissues close by, right?! - oh man it's gonna be a fun night!

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  16. Ok so seriously, twi-hater sis and I say the same thing about our fridge... It's where food goes to die. Trader Joes frozen meals keep me sustained.

    And I have had the same experience in H&M their clothes are cut odd, so I refrain shopping there cause I am built like a brick shithouse as well.. it's true, not a single person (even a man) has knocked me over on the soccer field (yet), I've only tripped over my own feet :)

    But I digress as well. I have the sexy stars of twilight issue, but I don't have the courage to put a poster on my walls... plus I'm kind of into the minimal thing...

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  17. THANK you STY n JJ. you ladies always make me laugh, even though my day was as crappy as they get. lmao,still got tears running down my face!!!

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  18. @Firecrotch - dust off the rabbit!! Gotta love that little silver bunny, haha Said the hubby to the wife "What's up doc?"
    wifey says "U I hope"..

    :)

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  19. So while waiting in line next to one of my twilight-hating best friends, I got a call from my Robward-squeetastic gay-boyfriend who told me he had a present for me which would "make [friend standing beside me at the time]'s head explode." Turns out it's a copy of this exact mag. I may have squealed in the middle of a ridiculously crowded movie theatre lobby. After reading this, I cannot wait to pick up my present from mr. best gay-boyfriend in the history of gay-boyfriends Thanks for exponentially increasing my impatience for my gift. Really. :)

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  20. JJ, I believe you may have topped yourself with this one. Absolutely hilarious. I laughed until I couldn't breathe!

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  21. @STY--I like the way you think. Sneakin' in the vodka goodness in the thermos and the Sniffs all in the lunchbox! Love it! 141 days to go and all beverages and props are in a row. Damn you're good.

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  22. @STY thats a GREAT idea, now i can use ot for more than school!! and now i have to debate who to smell like for the NM premire, lol.....

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  23. LOL I have lived that dressing room scene one too many times.

    My shrine must stay in the closet for now. Although I have no shame the s/o wont stand for it to be anyplace others can see it.

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  24. Did you start the evil, maniacal laughter once the deal was sealed, but then stopped when you realised you weren't just doing it in your head?
    PS: This is Twidenial out of the Twicloset. I feel so vulnerable!

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  25. shit.
    i pissed myself again.

    i will never think of h&m the same! thank you for that jj <3!

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  26. gawd you guys are SO lucky that you can get all this kinda stuff over there... I have to plan and scheme and spend FORTUNES to have any kind of stuff sent over to me from the UK or US... I almost paid $50 for a t-shirt today! ($22 t-shirt, $27 postage) and what's crazy is I seriously (and still am) considered it!!!!!

    I've just managed to get Edward's beautiful face plastered on my desktop and mobile... to head shakes from my (never jealous) hubby!! I think I'm starting to push it now and am bringing out the green eyed monster - (thank you Eddie) so not sure if I'll get away with posters!!!!

    thanks for my daily dose of Twitarded - you guys make me feel SO at home!!!! xxx

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  27. Holy fucking shit on a stick, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.... mainly because I've been there in the dressing room - in a complete panic!

    "Arms over the head, dress bunched around my neck, in the throes of a holy-fucking-shit-they're-going-to-have-to-call-the-fire department-and-bring-the-jaws-of-life-to-get-me-out-of-this freak out kind of stuck." (OMG, I nearly pissed myself!)

    I'm a little jealous that you can be so open and honest with ML about your love for Robward... mine continues to reside in the closet, buried deep... *sigh*

    @ Limey - "...don't be alarmed at the Quasimodo lump on your back as this is where your tits are now!!!" You kill me!

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  28. funny as always!! So glad that I am not hte only one who has ever been held hostage by a dress!

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  29. JJ:

    Sheer brilliance!

    And I tip my hat to your sly maneuver with ML: I noticed that in your initial request to hang the posters, you referred to them as pictures of EDWARD...when we all know DAMN WELL they are pictures of ROB. Nice deflection, pretending they are images of a harmless fictional character.... ;P

    And H & M straightjacket scene....oh my...if only STY had been there—she probably had some lip ointment in her purse to lube you up with (or some lube?).

    And it's a good thing you didn't have the Sexy Stars of Twilight magazine in that dressing room, what with all of your panting and groaning....

    And speaking of that magazine (which I went to three different places, before procuring), that devastating photo of Rob on the cover is one of my all-time favorites. Dear lord, I actually have a mental list of "all-time favorites"....

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  30. JJ- I too am vertically challenged with big cans, so you are in good company.
    I only wish I could hang up some pics in my house, I think I would be served with divorce papers and be involuntarily incarcerated...ill try it out this weekend and see what happens. Please take pics once they are up, I can live vicariously through you.

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  31. @JJ: Too funny. I keep having this really intense visual images of broccoli, killer dresses, poster filled walls and Hulk causing killer dress to explode. Ugh.

    Please post the pictures of "the lair" once the posters are up!

    @Sarah: know what you mean. I'm considering, especially after reading all the comments, buying the magazine online. I can't find it here (Portugal). Probably shipping will more expensive then the magazine itself.

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  32. I have totally been there in the dressing room- and I start jumping around trying to pry the offending item loose and end up falling into the wall and making all sorts of noise. Does this count as daily exercise?
    Would LOVE to put up Robward pics, but hubby would die. Or hang up World of Warcraft posters. Not sure which is worse...

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  33. Kristen disgustinglyaddictedJuly 2, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    Glad to know I am not alone with dressing roon horror stories. I have been stuck in a many dresses. Terrifying!
    Love the posters! I also got my mag and proceeded to go to the bedroom to look at it in, em, ahem...private. Now trying to figure out a way to convince my hubby to let me hang the posters on our ceiling. So far, no go. But I will not give up hope!

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  34. Hey JJ, thanks for letting me start my day with another dose of your brilliance and yet another accidental snort of diet coke. Those posters are to die for and will look fab in your lair. Be sure to let us know how you like the free sample of venemous vampire lip gloss that comes with the magazine.

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  35. Wow, now that I've cleaned up this pool of pee I just made laughing my ass off, can I just say, you are fecking hilarious JJ! I'm relived to hear that I'm not the only one who buys expensive groceries with the best intentions only to have them go bad in the fridge. And, although, I've never been completely stuck in a piece of fashion at a store, I have been close enough to have that twinge of panic wash over me and find your situation absolute pure comedy. Anyway, fantastic post! I read it right before going to bed and had trouble afterward falling asleep because I was still laughing hysterically for about 15 min. Love you girls!

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  36. Great stuff, ladies. My husband is handling my obsession like a champ. He's always thought I was a little off the charts strange, so this is just one more thing to him. He's now started calling Rob "my boyfriend." For example: As hubby is walking me to the hospital to get an MRI he suggests I just think of "my boyfriend" the whole time. SCORE! You gotta love this man....

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  37. Bwhahahaha... Love the dressing room mayhem... I shy away from dresses, but have been stuck in a few tops that didn't want to come off after they went on. I hate that moment of panic that takes over when you have the top over your head and you realise that it just aint going no further.
    Hubby and I are the same with our veggies. We buy them intend to eat them, then by the time we get around to it they are some rotted mess in the bottom of the fridge.

    I got the Sexy Stars of Twilight mag from my local Chapters... Love it.Love it. I brought it home and hubby just rolled his eyes at me. I'm pissed about the Venom Lip offer, the website only takes orders from the US and not Canada. I'm told I'll have to wait until September to buy it, sucks.
    I saw some twilight door posters on forbiddenplanet.co.uk... just a thought...

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  38. OMG! ROFLMAO! You are tooooo funny! This is now my #1 favorite blog! Ever! Seriously!

    I also have the Sexy Stars of Twilight magazine and am trying to figure out which posters I want to hang at home and which ones I want to hang at work. I plan on putting one in the ladies bathroom, which BTW guys do use. I work for a small family company so it's all good.

    Have a happy 4th of July with mini-E!

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  39. I´m surprised, apparently our hubbys handle this whole Twi-Obsession quite well! I thought I might be just lucky, but most of you report the same!

    Hey, this is awesome!

    But just imagine: one day they realize that when RPatzzz would knock on our door and wants to stay the night( and do all the things we dream about) we would go and book a hotel for the hubby? ;-)

    JJ, STY and all the proud owners of this Twi-poster thing: I´m jealous !!! I should be used to it already... the cool stuff doesn´t find it´s route to germany. Be happy that you live in the Happy-Twilight-Wonderland! :-))

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  40. I haven't laughed that hard in so long!!! You are hilarious!!! I hate when that happens in the dressing room!! But so funny to when you think about it later!!!!

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  41. Laughing so hard at this post, trying not to pee myself! I've definitely had the same dressing room experience, so nice to know I'm not alone. My hubby tried to buy me the Sexy Stars mag, and I just couldn't get myself to go up to the cash register with it! I'm still a twicloset case! What's wrong with me?!

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  42. I got one the other day for my soon-to-be 9 year old daughter. She was extremely happy, to say the least. She had to take half the posters to her dad's house because we're just about outta' room here!

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  43. I've walked past the Sexy Twilight mag at WalMart several times. Maybe I even flipped through it once or twice. I felt like a pervy old woman; I swear I started to sweat above my upper lip when I saw Rob. Too chicken to buy it and bring it home. May need to brown bag it, am that deep in the closet with my obsession with that man.

    I'm thinking about my friend's 8-year-old daughter who could hang these posters up in her room if I bought it for her. Then I could visit her room everyday.

    Must be brave: buy friggin mag for friggin hot Rob posters.

    What to do with hubby and children's reaction, however?

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  44. Holy Shit...Congrats, you did it again! Another post causing me to laugh my ass off at work...I know I should stop reading you at work for fear of revealing my Robsession, but holy hell I can't help myself! Well done JJ...you have my utter respect!
    ps. I SO wish I could go to the NM premiere with you guys, that is my new dream..what a f-ing night that would be!

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  45. I have to admit, because I'm a totally vain bitch, that I'm VERY relieved I'm not the only one who has experienced the dressing room trauma.

    And I have to be honest, I'm really surprised at how many of our male counterparts are okay with us putting up poster of Edward (oh, let's be honest here as Mrs. Robinsane pointed out - Rob). I really thought it would be less.

    @ My TwiLife - I fully intend to make the NM experience as insane as humanly possible.

    @STY - btw, I intend to make the NM experience fucking off the hazook. Just in case I never mentioned that before. Because I know I haven't. :)

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  46. oh you haven't mentioned it but I had just assumed... I am already thinking about what to wear. I don't know what it is but I know I haven't bought it yet. And what kind of limo do we want? Or maybe we need a party bus. With a bar. And a potty. 'Cause we're gonna be in that parking lot a loooong time and you know I have a bladder the size of a walnut... Oh and are we taking one day off from work or two? Maybe we need the whole week...

    P.S. Nice new pic. I want to see some of those other wacky ones we took last night. I think. Steroids make my skin clear and purty. : )

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  47. @STY - definitely a limo. Possibly a party bus. It depends on how many people we can trick into going with us.

    And there may or may not be law enforcement involved, lol. But I definitely need to that Edward thermos first...

    Oh, and a video camera. Do you have one?

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  48. @STY @JJ--Now I am jealous. The party bus? Do you even know how freakin' fun that would be? Of course you do--you suggested it. Holy crappola that would be a good time. Oh well, I will make do with my buddies here who truly have no idea just how bad off I am--though my toting around Pocket Edward has been "let out of the bag" so to speak. Perhaps by November they will know more--opening night is the day before my birthday after all. See party bus would be so fitting.

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  49. @VitaminR - That's your mission!! You have to get everyone addicted to Twilight by November 20th. LOL!

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  50. I've gotten stuck in a dress in a dressing room on more than one occasion.

    BTW, I still haven't bought that damn Sexy Stars of Twilight!

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  51. oh my god...i definetly CANNOT read this at the office, i laughed sooo frikin hard!! good thing i'm in my house!! thanks a lot for that post XD

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  52. you are killing me! i had the same conversation with my husband. the pics should be framed and hang in the "spare room." why not over the bed, i ask you? :)

    you're awesome.

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  53. LOL! ML is amazingly tolerant of all things Twilight but even he drew the line of hanging RPattz over the bed. Sigh.

    I'm still working on it.

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  54. I've had to start outing myself to hubby because I've been sitting in front of the computer for two days (off and on, not straight) laughing my ass off reading the archives of your blog. He keeps asking me what I'm laughing at. I decided instead of giving it to him straight (as in I'm obsessed with Twilight and Rob Pattinson)I'd give it to him gentle (as in "I found this hysterical blog about Twilight..."). Later we were at my sisters house and I was showing her this blog and she and I ended up talking about how beautiful Robward is. Hubby was in the room pretending to read a mag but I could tell he was listening. I caught a raised eyebrow, but that was it. I figure I'll just ease him in SLOWLY. I can't live with the secret anymore. I've been deleting the browsing history on the computer regularly in case he gets curious about what I'm doing for hours (days) on end.

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  55. holy crap I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. you are freaking hysterical and I kinda wish I could be bff's with you & sty.

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  56. Kristen disgustinglyaddictedApril 29, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    Glad to know I am not alone with dressing roon horror stories. I have been stuck in a many dresses. Terrifying!
    Love the posters! I also got my mag and proceeded to go to the bedroom to look at it in, em, ahem...private. Now trying to figure out a way to convince my hubby to let me hang the posters on our ceiling. So far, no go. But I will not give up hope!

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  57. Great stuff, ladies. My husband is handling my obsession like a champ. He's always thought I was a little off the charts strange, so this is just one more thing to him. He's now started calling Rob "my boyfriend." For example: As hubby is walking me to the hospital to get an MRI he suggests I just think of "my boyfriend" the whole time. SCORE! You gotta love this man....

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  58. I haven't laughed that hard in so long!!! You are hilarious!!! I hate when that happens in the dressing room!! But so funny to when you think about it later!!!!

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  59. I'm reading this and i've got "Go all the way" playing in my head.. If you guys don't know what song that is i'm going to come beat you all with twilight posters!

    Anyhow.. LUV that you are gonna let him hang his stuff.. Even if its in the closet..ROFLMAO..
    I'm still trying to convince my hubs that hanging pics of Rob & Kellan n my room would enhance our sex life?

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