Sunday, June 7, 2009

Twitarded Hard at Work!

I read somewhere that every good writer needs a sanctuary in which to write in. This isn't mine, but it's close...

This is actually what I came home to back in March when I went to SXSW. STY had to wait two whole days for me to return to watch Twilight, which gave her a l-o-t of time to ransack deck my apartment out, Twi-style. (I have ALL the pictures but promised I wouldn't post them. Unless she pisses me off...)

...and the view on the other side of the coffee table that day.

Anyhoo, I figured I needed to set up my own little sanctuary in the hopes that this will somehow magically help my writing. Oh, and also to keep ML the hell off my computer. I'm very territorial that way. I call it "The Lair," among other things. I figured The Lair was appropriately cheesy but also just a tad... nah, never mind. Just fucking cheese. And not even good cheese, like Gruyere. That name is straight up Velveeta. Or Cheez-Whiz.

Before ML left this afternoon for band practice, he asked me to make him his favorite three bean salad for dinner. The only reason this salad is his favorite is because it's the only thing I can actually cook that doesn't involve me staring at the sparse (and potentially rotten) contents of our refrigerator and saying, 'ah, fuck it, I think this will taste good...' [NOTE FROM STY- Can I just point out that this dish doesn't involve any actual "cooking"? If you're handy enough to work a can opener, you're golden.]

This is kind of what our fridge looks like... But ours is much, much more disgusting looking.

Naturally I agreed, but the second he shut the front door, I raced into the back room, aka 'my fucking lair, bitches.' This is where my half of the magic train wreck that is Twitarded occurs.

'The Lair', aka 'The Lair, Bitches' aka 'I'm writing, not now' aka 'SHUT UP! I'm trying to write', aka 'I'm going to hire a fucking ninja to take you out if you bother me one more time'.

ML has pointed out, on occasion, that I have more than a few pictures of Robward but none of him on my desk. Duly noted. But in my defense, I don't write a blog about ML, which is probably a good thing on several levels.

This picture in the frame is a particular favorite of mine. STY made it for my birthday last year shortly after the Twilight movie came out. It's the famous 'I'm hot and standing next to my Volvo shooting smoldering looks at you' picture. And if you can't read the text, it says...

My darling Jennifer, Please don't hate me just because my movie sucked.

This is what I call my 'reference section'.

All the books one needs in life in one neat little stack!

Sadly, I'm a lacking in the space department but I believe I do have all the essentials. Cursing, the entire Twilight series, an Alchemy candle... a picture of Rob. I'm all set, right? Oh, and that silly thesaurus, which is SO much lamer than the Creative Cursing book (that STY is never getting back...).,

Next, we have our 'Fan Fiction' department.

"How to Write Porn 101" book [strangely enough, I discovered I didn't actually need many pointers] Check. Netbook so I never waste a moment on my commute? Check. Phone to call or text STY every thirty seconds? Check. Candle and wine plus a little Mini-E & Mini-B action to set the mood? Checkity-check-check...

Since I have a tortuous, soul-sucking round-trip commute of about four hours, I tend to do most of my writing on my Netbook (aka "Lair on the Go") on the train. I have to admit, it's kind of weird sitting there, squished next to some smelly business dude wondering, 'should Edward be licking her clit? Slit? Love button? Maybe I should just make Bella suck his cock...'

It's also kind of strange because, well, people are nosy and I'm trying to write porn, here. Sheesh. The next time someone leans in to read what I write, I'm definitely going to type 'STOP BEING A NOSY TWAT.'

I have to admit it's taken some getting used to, this whole "writing dirty stories on the train" thing. If there is one thing I hate, it's being annoyed when I'm writing and riding the train is nothing but annoying.

ML, on the other hand (because he is a sweet, patient man who would prefer not to be gelded by his crazy girlfriend) knows not to disturb me when I'm in my Lair. Instead, he sort of hovers by the door for a little bit, then s-l-o-w-l-y creeps towards me, head down, so as not to look threatening. Usually I'm so absorbed in whatever I'm doing that I'm only vaguely aware he's there. It only took one time for the poor guy to realize that barging in while I was writing is a BAD decision. I had my headphones on and he scared the holy living bejeezus out of me (he says he didn't do it on purpose, but he's a lyin' bastard). I let out such a blood-curdling scream--followed by a string of expletives that nearly peeled the paint off the wall--that ML was afraid someone might call the cops. From that day on ML doesn't try to sneak up on me and see what I'm up to.

Except for that one time he caught me looking at porn. Well, maybe twice. At least I have an excuse now...

Oh, and speaking of adult stories... I'm cutting this post short to work on something else...

More 15 Step coming your way soon, bitches! Now please tell STY to let me out of the basement... Pleeease!!


  1. My last blog checks of the night, and i was happily surprised to see an update!

    chapter 4? NICE!!!!!!!!!!!

    i call my personal area my fortress of solitude

    'should Edward be licking her clit? Slit? Love button? Maybe I should just make Bella suck his cock...' ........... too fucken funny.

    OO and STY, as JJ requested, let her out of the basement,please

  2. I love the pear picture. Where does one find said picture? It's even better in combination with an Edward pillow. I would sleep with that pillow between my legs every night.

  3. i too roared with
    'should Edward be licking her clit? Slit? Love button? Maybe I should just make Bella suck his cock...'
    the image on the train. LOVE IT. hahahahaha

    my day feels complete..
    photos of rob in nYC..the tony's..and twitarded...
    good good shit..i hardly feel my effin cramps!
    thank YOU.

  4. Well, I think my verification word describes PERFECTLY what I am feeling right this moment after reading such wonderfulness - BLESSED. I kid you not.

    Hum. You know, the team player in me is hoping you had Edward "satisfy" Bella, but then I realize I ALWAYS want my Edward happy, so... humm.. .That's a hard one to call.

  5. I actually tried to read the picture! Arrgh I need a Twitarded fan fic fix lol

  6. I'm confused....what's wrong with Cheez-Whiz? I love that we can see where the magic, no wait, that's not the right word... where the filth and debauchery happens! You friggin' kill me! Can't wait for Chapter 4 - I'm starting to get the 15 Step shakes.

  7. I promise all of you that Chapter 4 will be out this week. At some point, lol.

    @musingsofapattinsonaddict - The pear is a Marimekko design that I got at CB2. Check 'em out on line - they have great stuff.

    @Susie - I was wondering if anyone was going to do that. I would have. :)

    @Latchkey Wife - Cheez-Whiz is a wonderful substance, especially when you're other the influence of... well, substances, lOl.

  8. Thanks for sharing your "dirty dungeon" Cool! Tell your darling ML that photos of Robward are there for purely inspirational purposes whilst giving him a kiss and a quick grab that should shut him up for a while. :)

    Love your "pear" picture that is! haha

    Two words - soccer sunburn! Ouch friggin ouch!

    You'll have to keep an eye who will be sitting next to you on the train as you might start seeing the same faces squashing their arse next to you just to read your Twismut, just hope to god they don't start drooling on your shoulder - EEEWW yuck! Take some advice from the lovely Charlie Swan and carry some pepper spray.

    Waiting for bated breath for the next chapter... :)

  9. Bwa Ha Ha.... Geld ML.... My husband has tried to sneak up in my in my room "Hell’s Kitchen" it's the friken hottest room in the whole house. Nice in the winter sucks in the summer. He's barged in a couple of times and I've screamed my freaken head off and then ripped him a new one for scaring the crap out of me.

    Writing porn on the train, what an image....

    I caught two episodes of True Blood last night... Kinda reminds me of Twin Peaks with vampire twist... I was quite lost trying to figure out who was who at first. Then was rolling on the floor with laughter when Jason was caught by Tara giving it to some broad doggie style behind the restaurant and she dumped garbage on them. This was shortly after declaring his love for her, while high on V.

    Yes I tred to read the image of the next chaper of 15 Step... It's almost readable... I guess I'll just have to wait... sigh...

    As always ladies you make my mornings!!

  10. there should be a command key for you, JJ...

    CTRL+T should automatically type 'STOP BEING A NOSY TWAT.'

  11. Thanks for sharing pics of your lair. I feel so privileged. :) Can't wait for chapter 4. You really are a good writer.

  12. ROFL Cheese-Whiz, ick! Thanks for giving us a sneak peak into your writing sanctuary. I feel complete now, and I believe if I had an Edward pillow he wouldn't be fit for public display ifyouknowwhatimean, hee-hee.

    Seeing a sneak of Chapter 4 reminds me of Meyer writing BD during her cheese-whiz cameo in the movie. Thank goodness you're so much more forthcoming with new stuff. Who knows, if someone caught BD on film and tried to read it Meyer may have had another tantrum and refused to publish! We could all be so lucky...

  13. I'm laughing at the thought of you writing Twiporn on the train:)

    Finally got my Creative Cursing book this weekend. It has provided hours of entertainment for bff's and me. Definitely must keep it on the top shelf of the closet as to not scar the small children though;) My word for the day is Prick Wanker;)

    I heart your lair!

  14. Creative Cursing is the best book ever! My word for the day today was Sack Lips!! LOL.

  15. Funniest image ever of you writing twi-porn on a train ... I can only imagine the snotty business twit next to you catching a whiff of what you're doing ...

    @Latch Key Wife - Amen on Cheez-Whiz.

    PS - Why not have both Bella and Edward get a little something something 6 ... 9 ... that way everyone wins?

  16. @JJ--The love just keeps growing. I too have green pears in my house. They are of the Orla Kiely variety but very similar. I love the photos of your creative twi-smut lair!

    I so love the idea of you writing twi-smut on the train. Is Pocket Edward in full view during your creative typing frenzies? Does he help shield the screen from curious eyes? Likely not--he would only attract attention I suppose. I so wish I was sitting next to you on the train so I could get a sneak peak of the next chapter.

    Yours truly, Svitamynnr

  17. @Latchkey Wife--LOL at your word of the day:):):)

  18. You have your "lair" I have my "Twilight Shrine" as in "keep your hands off the SHRINE!!"

    @STY: do not let JJ out of the basement until chapter 4 is posted!!!


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