Monday, June 22, 2009

You Know You're Twitarded When...

You know you're Twitarded when you come into work and your boss yells at you for not rescuing Robert Pattinson from getting clipped by a cab.

I shit you not, that was how my morning started last Friday.

I mean, dudes, I hadn't even had a sip of coffee yet, either. [And I should preface all of this by saying that I was under the impression that I had my Twilight obsession semi-under wraps.] But as I made my way to my desk, I noticed that the boss and two coworkers were lurking around my cube. Waiting. I considered turning and making a run for it, but it's too late. The second she sees me, she starts pointing her finger.

"Where were you yesterday, huh?" She demanded. I immediately try to remember what bad thing I had done at work yesterday but only could come up with the usual transgression: constant blogging.

"Ummm..." Hey, like I said - no coffee. Witticisms are non-existent until about 10:30 am. Helpless and insufficiently caffeinated, I wait to see where she's going with this...

Boss just shook her head and launched right at me... "You fucked up. Rob Pattinson could have been killed three blocks from here and what were you doing?! You didn't save him!!"

I had absolutely no idea how to respond to this, but I didn't think it was appropriate to tell her that I didn't save him because I was too busy looking at Twilight blogs, mentally undressing pictures of him, and debating the relative merits of set-stalking with STY.

Meanwhile my two coworkers are pissing their pants.

Later that morning, another lovely coworker walks by my cube and asks me if I was the fan who chased him into the street. I begin to tell her that I would never do something like when she suddenly leans waaaay over the wall of my cube.

'What's that?' she asks, pointing (again with the pointing!). I take a quick look around, trying to determine what inappropriate piece of my personal life I have accidentally brought to the office. Nothing looks out of place...except... Daaaaaaammmmit. Mini-Edward is leaning against my computer tower, silently mocking me. I admit it: my relationship with Mini-E has gotten too casual of late. He no longer looks out of place to me. Anywhere.

Edward prairie-dogs it at the office. This is normal, right?

I mean, you know you've got it bad when everyone you works with knows about your supposed-to-be-secret obsessions. I don't know if I should feel proud of this or be totally mortified that the entire floor knows I snuck out to set stalk. [Or that my boss semi-sorta-encouraged me to do it.]

It's not even confined to my coworkers. Brother Jerkface called this weekend to ask me if I needed any Twi merch, since he was meandering his way through a Hot Topic.

'Band-Aids,' I said immediately. I know STY has been desperate for Twilight Band-Aids. In fact she almost bid on some on eBay, but couldn't come to terms with having a handful of novelty bandages shipped to her from Australia. As I am marveling at the thought of Brother Jerkface wandering the aisles of HT, the best thing ever happens. I get to listen to my conservative older brother go up to some kid at Hot Topic and ask if they have Twilight Band-Aids. Sadly, they do not.

'Do they have pencil cases?' I inquire. Brother Jerkface relays the question. Nope, no pencil cases [aka "Mini-Edward travel cases"]. I manage to refrain from asking him to check their stock of Edward fleece throws and Cullen crest jammies. Brother Jerkface quickly rattles off what little they have left of Twilight merchandise.

'They have something called 'Shimmer Powder'," he says as he paws through the stuff.

I guffaw. 'Get me some of that," I say. 'I'm going to give that to ML.'

'No way!' The conversation is as casual as if we were talking about dinner plans. I don't think he even realized it was weird to be buying Twilight merch for his 30+ year old little sister.

I'm not exactly sure how all this outing happened, but I'm beginning to wonder if I ever even was in the Twi closet. Apparently I left the door open a tantalizingly "come hither" crack...
C'mon in... You know you want to...


  1. ROFLMAO! it's certainly hard to stay in the closet... I managed to stay in the closet for a lil while.. Now i'm just the common joke among my friends..

  2. Jenny you are sssssssssoooooooo freaking hilarious....I so look foward to your updates EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!

  3. OME! That was the funniest shit ever! I almost can't wait to go to work tomorrow so I can send this around to all my friends. I just flippin' love your stories.

  4. JJ:

    I want to work where you work!

    And does anyone else think it's a bit peculiar that some manufacturer foresaw no objections to Twilight vampire-themed Band-Aids?

    You know...for soaking up BLOOD?

    What's next—Twilight Tampax? New Moon maxi-pads??

  5. Oh, JJ, you've totally outed yourself at work! Do they look at you differently? Or do they still fearfully avoid eye contact as they always did?

    Just be proud, sista!

  6. JJ as always you are brilliant. :) I think it's wonderful you and Mr. Cullen have gotten to "that place" in your relationship where you can be so casual with one another.

    @ Mrs. Robinsane, you completed the package! I can ALWAYS count on Twitarded commenters to KILL me...

    Twilight Tampax! Dear Lord... oh my...

  7. @ Mrs. Robinsane good one! haha How about Twilight Marblelight condoms - To make your schlong sparkle! :)

  8. OMG!!! Twilight BAND-AIDS?!?!?! Must. Have. Them. If anyone knows where/how to get them ( other than Australia!) let me know! And seriously, Mrs. Robinsane...your comment was perfect.

    So, now we have the Twilight Tampax (!) along with the talking Edward Vibrator (aka The Sparkle Stick) which several of us were brainstorming a month or so back (amidst all the initial Fanfic swooning). We, ladies, are BETTER than a Hot Topic!!

    Did anyone see that DuWop (makeup company) which has sold a lip plumper called Lip Venom (which I bought a few years ago) is now pairing up to do a Twilight version? The Makeup Whore in me will DEF be buying that! you ladies!

  9. Lmfreeeeekinao
    You must have been shitting your pants. I would have paid to see the expression on your face. Um can you just have some tv crew follow you a la that mccouhnahey' s however you spell that chit, Ed Tv? Just wear a harness with a camera attached to it? It will be sexy, I promise.

  10. I've said it before but I'll say it again, JJ you make my day!!!!!

    I guess I'm lucky that I work for a 90 year old lady who dosent notice me transgress into a 15 year old whenever ET has a twilight special. Or my twilight pj's.

    Too bad about the twilight bandaids.

    Twilight Tampax.... LOL

  11. @JJ - what a totally cool boss you have. haha Feel proud about your set stalking as we all lurrvv you for it.

    Thing is I cannot lie at all, I've tried but end up doing this mentally insane nervous laugh, so fail miserable all the time. My face shows every friggin emotion. So when I'm looking at the Twi blogs and she comes out to ask me something I must look totally guilty, especially if I'm holding my nose to stop myself from laughing at your blog. PHEW! I really thought she would suggest a shrink but she just says "don't mind her she's English!" haha

    But I think the shrink card would definately come out if I took in my mini Edward, haha Hhhmm, Could be fun! :)

  12. omg!!!! he bought the shimmer powder???? nice!!! i wish my fam would just be supportive of my twi-diction.

    ..... although my friends r supportiove. My BFF called the day rob got hit by the cab and said "i htink u should know ur boyfriend almost died today, he got hit by a cab" i hadnt been on to check the blogs yet and ran to the comp room and kicked my mom off to check!

  13. Vampire tampons - you all need to go HERE - lol!!

  14. Out of the Twi-closet!! Woot! Yeah, I try hiding in there from time to time... then I yell "FUCK IT!!" and throw the door open, dancing out with Pocket Edward in hand.
    I don't think I'll be purchasing the Twilight Tampax, but some of the other ideas sound interesting ;)
    p.s. I sent my hubby the link to the "cab incident" article and told him I was pissed, and he said "Why? Cause you weren't there to catch him?" Yeah, thanks.

  15. We have Twilight bandaids here?

  16. The best thing to do is turn people in your office, create your own coven. There is safety in numbers.

  17. JJ, I'm nominating you to be Rob's guardian TwiAngel. Aaaand..your boss lady is FTW!

    I am luckily not in a closet.(I may or may not be hiding from concerned family and friends trying to stage an intervention, though.) I do, however, know several unicorns who don't really like the term "closet." They prefer "Dungeon of Twigoodiness"...and I'm the weird one?

  18. As a first time poster, and apparently hovering in the doorway
    of the said closet, this is the funniest stuff I've read in a long time! LOL!
    I was blaming a couple of other 30-something chx at work for my own obsession. It's time to step up and admit. Hi, I am a Twilight Addict. (And, as of right now, I don't want treatment!)

  19. You know what JJ through you and STY I've been very comfortable with my own twitardedness :). When I ordered my Mini E, I was so excited that I posted it on my husband's friends Facebook. My intention was that they work with each other and he would see my hubby and tell him what I was excited about.(WTF was I thinking?) I had just posted on Facebook for all our mutual friends to see that I had ordered a doll. His response immediately was "What the Fuck is that?" Well because of that post, I've had to explain to my friends who and what Mini E is (of course while drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage) so right now I'm proud to have a leg half way out of the Twilight closet.

  20. Sticking my toe out of the closet seems like a good idea at 3am, soooo... thanks for the encouragement the other day, STY. (I had Rob's wool cap up my ass or something)

    I still foolishly try to slip Twilight and/or Rob into the conversation with friends only to get that patient/sad/worried expression (and this from my friend
    who reads People Mag every week and cares WAY too much what Jon and Kate and those 8 brats are up to!) I do have to give her - and you guys - props: we've decided to change the story of how we met from the truth (our toddlers were in daycare together) to the more plausible one you provided: there was a box and a stick and a bottle of booze... She doesn't get Twilight but she totally appreciates the Twitarded perspective, albeit unknowlingly.

    Keep up the good work, ladies, and for God's sake, cover Rob's ass while he's in NY!!! - Suz

  21. OMG I'm crying of laughter here! Another amazing post, and how cool is your boss JJ! Love it

  22. JJ - I totally heart you! That was just brilliant. I love that you had Mini E at your desk and didn't even realize it. And them him "prairie-dogging" it - I'm totally giggling to myself at my desk. And you may be an inspiration to me today. I think my Mini E may have to make an appearance on my desk! He wants out of the purse!! He wants to be free... Especially after his exciting outing last night (but more on that later!!)

  23. I am so in the closet with the door tightly shut and locked. Maybe I should open it a smidge and see if it gets me some fresh air, because it's kind of stuffy in here.

    Glad you are out of the closet, JJ, because you f-ing make me laugh!

  24. As you know, I have definitely left the closet and am continually spinning in my personal spiral of shame. Happily, though, and thanks to you and STY, laughing the whole way down!

    My FSE (Fun Size Edward) helps me through the day by staring at me from my Starbucks pen holder. I'm not sure which is more dazzling some mornings, him or the lovely green symbol of the Starbucks lady.

    Keep up the good work you two! :)

  25. @Latchkey Wife - I'm with you. I think we should all bring our Mini Edward's out of the purse. Release him to our world, set him free! Even though I'll probably get sent to the nearest mental asylum, it would be the right thing to do. :0)

    We'll have to have a National Mini Edward Day. Can you say "cuckoo?". haha

  26. Thank you guys for giving me a little pocket of oxygen to stick my head into when my Twilight closet runs low. I'm so trapped in it. And I will NOT come out, thank you very effing much.

  27. Ah.... Too Funny! Again I'm snorting away at my desk in the morning getting strange looks from the few that are here at this ungodly hour.
    I've contemplated taking my mini E to work, but he's safely hidden in my sewing room in a place where only I can see him when working.
    Since I work with mostly men, I don't think any of them would understand my twilight obsession.
    I accused one guy of wearing a twilight shirt one day and that didn't go over well. It ended up not being a twilight shirt at all but his softball team shirt. To explain the shirt had two amber eyes on the front of it and I've seen twilight shirts with these eyes that said vegetarian on the back. He got all bent out of shape when I asked "Is that a twilight shirt you’re wearing?" I got in reply “sputter sputter cough no these are no fear eyes!”.... This is when I realize that oops, my twilight obsession is showing and quickly slunk away back to my cube.

  28. @red_bella maybe he was afraid you were trying to out him as a twitard...

  29. Love, love it! My boss would most definitely not get it but she does heart me so she would probably smile and think I had lost it. For now mini-E will stay at home though.....only two of my colleagues have been made privvy to even an inkling of my obsession.

    I think I love you talking your brother through HT the best. On our recent trip to Disneyland my brother was actually making suggestions to me for mini-E photo ops--now that is some sibling soladarity. BTW, why was your brother buying you Twilight pressies--is there something you are not telling us?

    I am way less closeted these days--more and more of my friends have witnessed mini-E coming out of the purse--BUT, there is usually copious amounts of alcohol involved in these moments.

    Just the other day my DH (yes, the eye rolling one) was telling me I should show our friends 14 year old daughter the Pocket Edward Goes To Forks video I made on YouTube (the 14 yo was on YouTube at the time). I immmediately got embarassed and changed the subject. WTF? What is wrong with me? Perfect hit enhancer tapping the 14 year old Twilight market right? (She even named her kitten Jasper) Two steps forward, one step back I guess. I need you all there talking me through the embarassment.

    I ramble on again. I am just grateful to have this place where I can truly be my Twi-lovin' self....even if it is anonymously. Love you ladies!

  30. JJ i wish i had a brother like yours!!!

    sounds like you have the best bro evah!!!!

  31. hmm... is there a hot topic in midtown?

  32. LMAO My boss knows of my obsession too since I posed Mini Edward with stuff when we were on a business trip.

    And I wish MY brother would buy me Twilight shit.

  33. STY:

    I swear, I was unaware of the Swiss o.b. ad!!


    But I can't help but be disappointed that they didn't make the guy's eyes RED....

  34. And Latchkey:

    How intriguing—a MINI E ADVENTURE? I hope we will hear more about this....

    *bats eyelashes knowingly*

  35. Funniest line ever:

    "my relationship with Mini-E has gotten too casual of late. He no longer looks out of place to me. Anywhere."

    Fucking Hi-larious

  36. Or...

    A Bring Your Mini Edward To Work Day. haha


  37. oh gawd... im having cravings of buying one of those for myself!

  38. Sadly, everyone knows about my obsession. Here are the Twilight mentions so far today:

    1) Someone asked me if my boyfriend was ok after the cab accident.

    2) Same coworker told me she watched Twilight over the weekend and wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me.

    3)Coworker #2 asked me if I knew where RPattz was filming.

    4) The boss told me she found an Edward throw blanket online if I was interested.

    5) Coworker #3 just told me I look like RPattz. Not sure how I feel about that. But STY may or may not want to make out with me later.

  39. @Faithisobelle - you know what, I don't think I've ever seen a HT in the city. I mean, it's not like I traipse around all over the place but...

  40. @ JJ - you crack me up! haha

    Throw your stapler at your co- worker I find it shuts them up pretty quickly. haha

    You look like RPattz?!? Was she wearing RPattz tinted glasses (if so, I want some) or did she have a liquid lunch?? Too many 'Edwardtini's' me thinks.... :)

  41. I saw some Twilight Bandaids on Amazon but the crazy bitch selling them wants $36.99 plus shipping! And it say they're in a Decrotive Tin - nice spelling there genius.

  42. I'm firmly in the closet, the only person that has any idea is my boss. It's her fault anyway I'm twiobsessed, she bought the books and made me read them. I got her back by introducing her to twi-fanfic.


  43. You are too funny with your E doll! I have found another must-read blog! I don't think I was ever in the closet...thanks to my daughter I'm obsessed and she's embarressed. Oh well, one of the perks of being the parent is embaressing your child right? LOL

  44. Very funny. I just found this site and feel like I belong here...

    ps- I am older than you...are there any "Cougar" pattinson sites....Just kidding..sort of...

    Regards from southern mexico...where the only Twilight merchandise is the knock off DVD on the corner...I feel so deprived...(depraved???)...take your pick

  45. @Anon - I think this could definitely be considered a 'cougar' site. Most of readers are between mid thirties to fifties.

    And oh no! I'm so sorry you are lacking major merch. :(

    Oh, I'm going to go with deprived on that one. ;)

  46. HI,

    Firstly I think your site is hysterical...I have laughed so many times that it is now hazardous to drink liquids while reading...I have deemed these events "windex moments".

    I think your wit and humor are wonderful. I have now read all of the posts and now plan on going through them again.

    I am also trying to figure out how I can get a FSE into a suitcase and where I can hide him when I finally arrive back to Mexico and DH.(I am going to Canada, but unfortunately Toronto, not Vancouver) I think that may be letting the cat out of the bag...DH only suspects at this point...

    Lastly I am a twitard,thanks for making me welcome.

    Regards from southern Mexico,"the probable Den Mother of you 52!"


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