Friday, July 31, 2009

K-Stew + Joan Jett = My Old BFF

When the on-set images from Kristen Stewart's Joan Jett biopic, The Runaways, started surfacing, I felt a little twinge of... something. I wasn't sure what it was, exactly, but it was definitely blowing some dust off of the nether regions of my brain. Then one day last week when I was flipping through some old pictures, suddenly it hit me with blinding vampire-like clarity (I mean, I saw the facets on the dust motes of this thought): I was holding in my hands what was essentially an image of K-Jett's early-eighties doppelganger, aka "My Bad-Girl BFF" at the time, Krystal [names NOT changed to protect anyone! Hey Krystal, are you a Twitard???]. To the scanner, Twitards!

My matching bad-girl half-tee had a Heineken on it and read "Grab a Heinie!" but I was just as camera-shy then as I am now...

You probably had a friend like Krystal, too! The one who awed you with her utter defiance and disrespect of authority, could French-inhale her cigarette smoke, knew curse words you'd never dreamed of, and had a well-earned bad reputation? Yeah, that one (um, in JJ's case, she was " that one"). No??? Frankly, if you didn't, you really missed out on some good times! Not to promote teenage delinquency or anything, but let's face it: that shit was fun!

Krystal was a true baddie; I was in way over my head... When we weren't hanging out at the mall, we smoked countless Marlboro reds in her bathroom, and snuck out of her window at night to go make out with boys. We shaved our eyebrows and wore copious amounts of makeup in shades of dark blue, purple, and black (when I discovered makeup, I discovered it HARD - my parents were absolutely appalled. In hindsight, I can't say I blame them). It was the summer of 1982 and we were thirteen going on twenty-two (or so we thought). Ah, good times, good times...

Anyway, we took a camping trip to Canada that summer. Don't ask me where we were because I have no clue, but I can tell you that it was the first time I had ever been out of the country and I was a little disappointed to find that the wilderness there looked the same as it did on my side of the border. As far as I could tell there was nobody around for miles, but leave is to Krystal attract some boys (I swear she must have been emitting some sort of industrial-strength pheromone... Or maybe it was that her look clearly said "I put out"). As boys are inclined to do when they want to impress girls, they showed us the abandoned quarry where they would cliff-dive (yeah I'm lookin' at YOU, Jacob!).

This is exactly like La Push only without the ocean or werewolves or Bella or Jacob or Victoria waiting in the water...

Further photos for your consideration:

Glad she learned how to rock this look 'cause here she just looks ill...
Just like this! But this was more "holy crap I can't believe I'm in a boat with my parents in the boonies in Canada and not at the mall... man I really need a smoke..."

When bad girls find themselves in the Canadian wilderness, bad girls skip stones. When in Rome...right? [Please note massive comb jutting from her back pocket--it wasn't easy keeping all those layers just right!]

Krystal would have had a ciggie stuffed in her maw, too, but the 'rents were around, sooo... If these pics had been taken by a teeny-bopper in the eighties, they'd look as crappy as my pics, too.

I have to wonder: over the years, has Krystal help up as well as Joan Jett?

Lookin' fierce!

Or does she look more like THIS:

STILL with the purple blush and blue eyeshadow?! REALLY?! Oh Krystal...

I may never know... Oh well! And Krystal, if by some random chance you should ever find this, don't sue me for defamation of character! Instead, remember that I could have been much, much meaner and email me instead! Let's do lunch. My treat!

Here's a little vintage [I can't believe music I listened to as a teen is "vintage" - ugh!] Joan Jett for ya!! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Twitarded Can't Come to Computer Right Now... We're Busy!

Um, we suck tonight. That's right, I said it. We apologize for the disruption of our regularly scheduled nonsense and mayhem but... we've got a hot date.

Twitarded is goin' threesome (Don't tell Mini-E. Or DH. Um, or ML, for that matter).

We knew this day was coming and we thought we were prepared. You know, some hors d'oeuvres, a bottle of wine to take the edge off of the introductions--we were golden!

And then he showed up.

6'1" of corrugated two-dimensional goodness...

STY, that little slut my bff happily made him a drink and suggested he relax in the living room, where she promptly pounced on him and purred, "it's so good to finally meet you, FSE..."

STY gets acquainted with FSE. Fuckin' bitch. I know where she lives.

When I finally wrestled her away from him (trust me, you don't want to see the pictures. They were bloody. Jasper would have gone apeshit if he were here), I offered to make FSE another cocktail, since he sucked down the first one like a champ.

Me, being the ever-loving camera whore, begged FSE to snap a quick pic of us before STY realized we were gone.

And then it happened. Mother fucker. Nature can be such a bitch sometimes...

This is my fucking picture with FSE?! WHY the fuck is he so tall?! More importantly, why am I so SHORT?!

You Suck, Summit Entertainment.

OK OK I know we are always a day late and a dollar short but of course we have been watching the collective undies of the online Twilight community quickly wrap into a bunch over this (and rightfully so) since late Tuesday night when the news broke... Within moments of Summit Entertainment's announcement that the role of Victoria would be recast in Eclipse due to "scheduling conflicts" with Rachelle Lefevre, "Bryce Dallas Howard" showed up in Twitter's "trending topics" list and hasn't left since (in fact the topic had pretty much dominated the top-ten since - well, until Summit had it removed, or so it is rumored). If you've been living under a rock lately or just got back from that week-long stay in a remote cabin somewhere in West Bumfuck and are just tuning in, you can read some compelling takes on the story by clicking just about anywhere on our blogroll [I would suggest reading TwiCrack posts, in fact. There are many].

Let me state for the record that I think Bryce Dallas Howard is a wonderful actor and if she had originally been cast as Victoria, I am sure she would have done a great job. I've seen most if not all of her movies, and she is quite talented imho. Her portrayal of a young blind woman in "The Village" gives one chills. But the simple fact of the matter is that she wasn't cast in the role, and now, to all of us Twifans, Rachelle Lefevre IS Victoria.

I am generally quick to make fun of some of the less-than-stellar cinematic moments in Twilight, but I think that Rachelle really owned her bad vamp. Everyone is probably aware that this opportunity didn't just just fall into her lap by happenstance; she lobbied for it because she felt she could bring Victoria to life (as it were...) like nobody's business and frankly I thing she did a fantastic job. It doesn't hurt that she has been nothing short of completely gracious since being cast and through her charm, warm interaction with the fans, charity work, and just being someone who seems like an all-around swell chick, she has won the hearts & mind of Twifans everywhere.

So what the fuck, Summit??? Just how greedy are you, anyway? I've heard in the rumor mill that in all likelihood, this is about money. Or is there more to it? Sadly, when it's all said and done, it probably does boil down to simple finances and what looks better on the bottom line. Which is a real shame.

I think that Summit should be taken to task for making such a dickish move - it isn't ok and they need to hear that loud and clear regardless of the fact that they seem to be going all Big Brother and squashing anything they don't want to hear. Rumor [and remember, take everything you read with a grain of salt - including this.] has it that at their request, Twitter removed all the related tweets from their trending topics list, and "poof" suddenly she makes like Edward in most of New Moon. Speaking of New Moon, this situation should make for some interesting and definitely awkward PR in advance of the movie premiere and subsequent DVD release... This whole thing makes me sad. And angry.

At the end of the day, there is no way we can be sure what happened, but in this humble bloggy bitch's opinion, Summit's really assumed the role of the selfish, arrogant big-wig and that's I used to think of Summit fondly as "the little studio that could" since they were not much of an industry powerhouse prior to the Twilight franchise rocketing them to fame and fortune. Hey - congratulations & welcome to the big-time, assholes! Way to step all over the people who helped make this possible for you... You're lucky that the Creative Cursing book is at JJ's place, OK?

There is currently a petition (possibly many) being passed around and other sites are providing addresses - for both email and snail-mail - and urging folks to write to Summit. I say go for it (I know I will be!): the voices of many, after all, are louder than that of one. No matter how big or loud or obnoxious that 'one' may be.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Volturi Belt Buckle - I Want it! I Think...?

I'm going to go ahead and blame Twi-Crack for this post. When I was scrolling through the blog roll I caught sight of her post about KStew's Runaways belt and that got me wanting a new belt buckle...

mine mine mine mine mine

I love belt buckles. I suppose that seems like an odd proclamation, right? I mean, most people would say they love the beach or they love gettin' their salad tossed but me, I love me some belt buckles. Of course, if I had a thing for belt buckles one would make the natural presumption that I wear belts often. Er, this is not exactly the case... Far from it, in fact. You see, I'm not exactly a pants-wearing kinda gal. This may come a surprise but I get all squeaky-happy and giddy whenever I put on a pretty dress. Me wearing a dress is like wrapping up a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in taffeta and putting a shiny bow on it: it might look all gussied up but it's still the same cheap shit underneath it all.

More importantly, dresses hide my beer gut (more aptly known as "the wine barrel" since I don't imbibe beer regularly) in ways that pants (and the belts that would presumably hold them up) can't. So, yes, I like belt buckles but don't often have the opportunity to wear them. I am more of a collector... A belt-buckle aficionado, if you will.

This is the belt buckle that started my obsession:

I got yer' royal flush right heeeere...

A girlfriend gave this one to me for a birthday where the celebrating began with shots of whiskey and ended in a strip club. Every time I wear this belt, I think back to that night and wish I remembered what happened. Seeing as how I didn't wake up in prison or have unexplainable physical injuries (UDI - Unidentifiable Drinking Injury, for all you squeaky clean types), I can only assume both me and my belt buckle had a really fucking rockin' time.

Moving on - this was my next purchase:

The picture blows [STY's note - er, yeah it really does - i can take a better pic with my phone for fucks sake] [JJ's note - Yeah? C'mon over, donkey nuts and try][STY: oh YEAH?! I'll do that... er, tomorrow...] but it says "Man's Ruin" and has some dice and a naked chick. If I had designed this myself I would have added an arrow pointing south, but I'm thinking it was probably designed by a woman because if it was made by a man I'm guessing it would just have a vagina and a wedding ring on it.

I'm a big fan of wearing this gem to family functions. It's quite the conversation piece. The only problem with this buckle is that when I sit, the aforementioned wine barrel spills over and this sexy lady gets gobbled up by my muffin-top (what a horrible way to go...). Don't feel too bad for her, though - she gives as good as she gets, because I end up getting a weird bruise pattern on my belly from this buckle that looks, frankly, fucking gross. But fashion over function, bitches.

There is some story behind this next one but I don't know what it is:

I only liked it because 1 Trick sounds slutty and I like slutty things (see belt above).

I don't own this buckle [yet] but I'd really like to:

You see, all the other state belt buckles have howling wolves or soaring eagles or majestic trees on them. Not Jersey. Nope, Jersey has a bunch of fucking buildings. Oh wait, is that an elephant in the top right corner? Elephants are animals!!

That's Lucy. She's (wait for it...) a building. The only animals that live in New Jersey are the bi-pedal jerks known as humans.

Hang on, folks, there is a twi-point to this diatribe. Where were we? Oh right, back to Twi-Crack. So, I was getting a hankering for belt purchasing when I scrolled down through some more of her posts and... wham! I saw this gem and, yeah, had a full-on "I-want-I-want-I-WANT-SCREEEEE!" moment:

THAT monstrosity is the "official" Volturi belt buckle (you know - the one that Stephenie Meyer described all the thousands-of-years-old members of the Volturi wearing to keep their jeans hitched up??? No??? I don't remember that part, either...). My first reaction was 'where's my credit card?!' but then I sat back and thought about it for a minute... Do I really want to sport a Volturi buckle?

First of all, 99% of the people that I would come into contact with would have no idea what the fuck this is. Which means those nosy twat flaps would ask. And I would have to explain. I mean, how high is this on the dork-o-meter because I'm thinking 'through the roof'...

Don't get me wrong--I'm generally shameless but I just may need a pair of brass knuckles to go along with this buckle. I can only imagine the conversation this thing might start:

Hipster at a bar: Great belt buckle! Where did you get it?
Me: Uh, I ordered it online.
Hipster: Where?
Me: Errr, Amazon. Go to the Twilight official store.
Hipster: Twilight? Is that a new fetch brand of ironic clothing?
Me: [choking on cocktail in pure astonishment] No! The movie!
Hipster: You mean, like the stupid vampire movie? You're wearing a belt buckle from a teen romance movie?
Me: [slipping fingers into "official Volturi brass knuckles"] Yeah, gotta a problem with that?

Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it would go down, but still...

I'm torn, I have to admit it. It's ridiculously tacky and that's both a plus and a minus. I know ML would die of embarrassment (and possibly STY, too [STY note (again) nope - i wanna borrow that gloriously hideous thing] ) so that's another mark on the plus side.

I've been mulling this bullshit over all day. I think I finally just realized what the deal breaker is.

Why is the Eye of Sauron on the top of this belt buckle? [STY note - I'm sorry but one more note: is it just me or does the the Eye of Sauron look like a frightening, fiery, exploding vagina that is staring right at you?!? (JJ's note- WTF?! Stop leaving notes!!)]

If all else fails, I'm getting this belt buckle because it's about as close as I'll ever get to having RPattz near my lady bits...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

When I Get Fired, I'll Have More Time For Twilight!

Funny, this doesn't look like the fastest route to unemployment...

I know I have mentioned before that my Twi-life and my "I am a corporate lackey professional" life get uncomfortably close on occasion... Today, there was not one but TWO massive collisions - WHEEEEE!!! Remain in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened, people - there's turbulence ahead and it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Let me preface this by saying I know that I should know better. I have borne witness to some poor schmo accidentally emailing his resume and cover letter - intended for another company, natch - to the entire sales team. He and his xerox-box of office-y worldly possessions were escorted out the door faster than you can say "Better him than me!"

But I've had my moments... You would think I would have been chastened by the scare of a near-miss last week when I was responding to a particularly saucy chain that JJ and I were bandying back and forth at lightening-fast "hit-one-wrong-key-and-you-career-is-dead" speed and realized in the nanosecond before my finger plunged down on the "Send" key that I was cc-ing everyone in my department. And my boss. And my bosses boss. Oopsie! But did I learn my lesson? Nooooooo...
The problem, I think, is that I am not meant to be a multi-tasker. I am a one-thing-at-a-time kinda gal and when I try to throw a bunch of balls in the air, they inevitably come careening back down at me. And nobody likes getting smacked in the face with balls.

The first incident was semi-innocuous... I replied to an email chain what I had going with a colleague in IT with a reply that had intended to send to JJ...

From: Snarky @ work
Subject: not what I intended...
can you do a "congrats yoshi/jessica/wtforks!" post and link to vid now?
oh and we need at least a fse pic or two tonight if you tweeted a teaser...
To: Snarky @ work
From: NOT JJ
Re: not what I intended...
Snaaaarkyyyyy... did you have a 2 martini lunch?--if you did and didn't invite me I'm going to have to delete all your work. LOL, you're too funny.

Now, this is someone I know well enough to nod at when we pass in the hall, but that's about it. And we mostly nod because she accidentally sent me an email a month or so ago that wasn't particularly flattering to a colleague (although it was funny!) and definitely wasn't meant for me. So I kinda had a "Get Out of Jail Free" card on file with her...

From: Snarky @ work
Re: not what I intended...

oops!!! nope, no liquid lunch today, but I wish I had! maybe it's not too late?
I guess we are even now...
: )

p.s. you'll have to take my word for it, but that email would have made complete sense to the person I intended to send it to - haha!

Inexplicably unphased by this incident, I went on to this whopper of a faux-pas later in the day. Because why keep your Twilight-related fuck-ups limited to internal email when you can sent them to your clients and really mix things up?

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Subject: how can this be happening?!

We're having a "who's celebrity crush is hotter" contest right now at work. Somehow Rob is losing...

To: JJ @ work
From: Snarky @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

Um, you DO know how to use google image, right? because he really shouldn't be losing...

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

Apparently not? Ptthhhp. All my coworkers are blind...

To: JJ @ work
From: Snarky @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

wtf?! who's the competition???

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!


And here was my reply to that [Becks vs. Robward? Really? I'll show that lil' #&*^#!...] - Only instead of sending it to JJ, I sent it to a client I was emailing back and forth with as we were scheduling a conference call:

From: Snarky @ work
Subject: [something I definitely wasn't discussing with you!]:

oh give me a break - have you ever heard him speak? sounds like a total pussy... deal-breaker!

Huh. I realized what I had done a split-second too late [and don't bother doing any of that "recall email" nonsense - there's no saving yourself at this point and why send people five frantic emails indicating you are desperately trying to recall your email and subsequently making yourself look like an even bigger twat?].

I was aghast. And potentially unemployed. I hadn't spoken to this client in years but I used to talk to her frequently [nice re-introduction, no?], so I sent a fervently apologetic email, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone to call her. I could feel the flush on my face and I don't think Bella has ever been any redder. I can state with definitely that I don't work with any vampires; there was so much blood pulsing along the surface of my cheeks that I would have been too irresistible - trust me - if Jasper were nearby, I would have been a goner... and at that moment, I would have thanked him for putting me out of my misery...

Thankfully, despite the fact that she works for one of my company's biggest - and most conservative - clients, she had a sense of humor about it. I figured there was no point in digging myself in deeper by blurting out that I had been in the middle of an email convo with my TwiBloggy bff defending Robward's panty-melting crown and just apologized profusely. Although she wasn't exactly surprised that it was me when her phone rang, she told me that she had been in the middle "trying to make that smiley face thing" to send back to me (you know, "that smiley face thing" that I can type in my sleep because I am probably the most unprofessional person in the world to ever inadvertently infiltrate corporate America?)...

Anyway, no more non-work-related email from the work addy me (I am REALLY slow, but eventually I catch on...).

I think JJ said it best - and most succinctly - when I relayed the incident to her later in the evening over a much-needed super-sized adult beverage:

oh .my. god. I think we need to stick to gmail.

P.S. JJ, you couldn't successfully defend "the precious"/RPatts against Mr. Posh Spice? Really??? Sure he fills out his tighty whities nicely but still...

Balls in the air? What balls in the air? Ok please just don't speak...

Jessica Rocks TwiCon

Everyone knows that we are huge fans of WTForks ?! and have been gunning for Jess aka Yoshi to win the Reelz Channel TwiCon correspondent contest. She was tweeting about it from her hospital bed, for eff's sake! Now that's moxy! Fine, fine, maybe the opportunity didn't present itself for the other entrants, but still...

A nyway , because we're twitardy as ever, I'm sure all of you have already heard the good news: SHE WON!

From WTForks

Naturally, we're totally jealous that she's going to TwiCon but we are also excited for her and are trying to remind ourselves that world does not, in fact, revolve around us (although sometimes we wish it would).

So, congratulations, Jessica! We can't wait to see you on the big screen at TwiCon!

And thanks to everyone here at Twitarded who went and voted for Yoshi! Today, Twibloggers and people who love them take over TwiCon; tomorrow, the world!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mini-Edward: Pet-Sitter Extraordinaire + "The Furminator" PSA

Note to my friends: SURE!!! I'll be happy to house-sit/pet-sit/plant-sit while you are away... But I never travel solo and there's a good chance some part of the experience will end up on the blog. I mentioned that, right? Hmmmm... I am sure I mentioned that... Oh, I didn't? Oops. In my defense, I work cheap - just bring me back booze from wherever you went! - and I am reasonably discreet and will never post the contents of all those drawers and "secret" hiding places [really - are you even trying?]. I kid, I kid - I didn't rifle through your stuff OR plaster your home with Twilight/Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson merch... And don't think I wasn't tempted to Twilify the place just 'cause you're not fans - I am always tempted!

Anyway, this is Bennett.

Bennett never sits still and it took about 100 tries to get this semi-non-blurry pic...

I usually call Bennett "Nermal" - I realize I am SO dating myself but I am older than Garfield and his unwanted sidekick Nermal... Nermal was preternaturally cute, peppy and kitten-like. So is Bennett! She's like a cross between Nermal and one of those little fluffy-googlie-eyed-pull-toys-on-a-string that they used to sell in gumball machine but I CANNOT remember what they were called to save my life.

Oh, and you DON'T want to do a google image search for "fluffy thing on a string" because man oh man I looked at a LOT of thinner-than-thread pieces of nothing all stuffed into hot ladybits trying to find it for you. And I came across THIS monstrosity, for those of you gals who think that three grams of knitwear is too much fabric and makes your hoo-hoo, taint, and nether regions feel all claustrophobic. Click on the pic if you dare and don't say I didn't warn you. JJ, when's your birthday again? [JJ's note - I will hurt you if you purchase... what the hell IS that? A headband for your vagina?][Response from STY - according to Geekologie it's "the best thing to happen to underwear since not wearing any. Each vagina-band costs about $26 and is guaranteed to turn heads. And, also, my shoe camera."]

Er... Moving on... Getting back to cats [yes, I am aware I am missing a golden segue opportunity here, and no, I am not going there] -

Bennett is about five pounds of fuzz - the cutest, softest, most squirmy and lovable cat ever. She does the happy dance when she hears you approaching the front door... And on my advice, Bennett's people had bought her "The Furminator" - aka "The Best Thing to Happen to Cat Brushes In History" - hands-down, the most amazing thing I have ever bought for my cat. And Bennett agrees, as does my fur-baby Quato (who is doing OK-ish for a 14-year-old spoiled-rotten almost-child - thanks everyone for asking - and Limey I looove the word "moggy"!). If you own furry creatures [aside from your S/Os], you need this brush. It ain't cheap, but do a google search and you'll find it for cheaper than the $50-$60 some chains are charging. I got mine at for $25 (it was on sale). I think I got the dog-size brush, but my cat is, um, "not tiny" (she's big-boned!) [JJ's note - if she was human she'd totally get stuck in an H&M dress]. I was amazed with how much fur it took off of Quato, and I won't shut up about it because it was a gazillion times better than any comb/brush/grooming tool I have ever used and totally worth the steep price tag (I love her to bits but Quato is a dusty ol' cat and Mr. Snarky is allergic, but he was the one who picked her up off the street when she was a tiny feral kitten so...).

Mini-Edward and I chilled out for a a bit, reading Eclipse and brushing Bennett... After a little while, we stopped (brushing, not reading) because we were afraid that if we kept brushing we might run out of cat. Seriously, I am not sure what's under all that fuzz but I think "not much" is accurate:

Be careful, Edward! I see twitchy-tail behind you! It's an ambush!!!

Anyway, I don't have any fiscal interest in the company and nobody is paying me to write nice things about it (yet...) - it's just that good and I wanted to share. Buy it. Really.

Furminator kitty demo:

Furminator dog demo:

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Bite Me, Two-Column Blog... Twitarded Goes Three-Column!

Are you sure you guys know what you're doing?!

When we started this blog back in January, we didn't have many bells & whistles. And honestly, we still don't have a ton of widgets and graphics and gifs. For the sake of full disclosure, we don't even really know what a gif is, but suffice it to say that we're not going to send your computer into cardiac arrest when you come to our page. But even keeping things reasonably low-key, we've been running out of room on the right side of the page and the open space on the left side (which you can't utilize in Blogger's default two-column format) had steadily progressed on the tantalize-0-meter to the point where it hit "Bella's blood that day in science class" epic proportions.

Sadly, we couldn't figure this three-column thing out. True to Twitarded form, we apparently had some sort of wonkiness in our format or htlm coding that had even our most tech-savvy friends throwing up their hands in despair and declaring that we were shit out of luck. "Can't be done!" they proclaimed when we told them we desperately needed more space to tack up the latest Twilight & Robward news, helpful widgets, and an assortment of other stuff we like and think you guys might enjoy.

JJ - who is by far the more technically proficient of the two of us (which is still pretty low on the tech meter, sadly) - took several stabs at it, but the sum of her valiant efforts amounted to nothing more than many futilely squandered hours, a popped blood vessel or two, and a post that will never see the light of day entitled "I FUCKING HATE BLOGGER."

Thankfully, we've got some fantastic bloggy buddies who are always more than willing to selflessly lend a hand when we find ourselves waaaaaay out of our techno-league.

Enter Latchkey Wife of Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife fame & notoriety. She didn't know what a three-column blog was initially but was clearly more adept at resolving technical problems then we are here at Twitarded. I lamented that it had been the bane of our bloggy existence (one of several, actually) and we were at a complete loss. Lo and behold, not more than a few hours had passed before Latchkey reported back in that she was now the proud owner of a three-column blog [what. the. fuck. SO. unfair.], and she was kind enough to pass along the info she had used to make the transition.

Now, don't get me wrong: JJ had worked herself up into a lather on several occasions following similar instructions with no success, but she was determined and willing to give it another shot. If any of you were getting your Twitarded fix a few hours back and suddenly the blog went absolutely haywire (it was ugly for a moment there, believe us!), well, all I can say is that you'll inevitably have a period of trial and error when you are trying something new and there were definitely a couple of moments today where "error" had the upper hand.

After tweaking a few things, however, JJ was able to bring you the wonderfulness that is our brand-spanking-new three-column layout. I could have kissed her!!! And not only because people say she looks like Robert Pattinson - it was almost entirely because she knows how to make stuff GO. And who doesn't need a bff like that?!

So thanks to JJ and extra-special thanks to Latchkey Wife who we may or may not have been promised unspeakable, scandalous favors in return for her techy support! I'll put JJ on the next shuttle to your neck of the woods - just promise to send her back relatively unscathed at some point, OK? I need her.

P.S. In a rare instance of JJ and I not agreeing 100% on something bloggy-related (or otherwise, for that matter - we really are morphing into one being, but more on that topic some other time), there has been some debate recently regarding Twitarded's layout/look. How do YOU like the black background with white text? Is is awesome? Do you think it's the greatest thing since Twilight, RPatts and his sex-hair, and TwiPorn came into your life or does it leave you dizzy and feeling like your retinas have been scorched like they haven't been scorched since we posted about the anatomically correct one-of-a-kind "Renesmee and Jacob On Their Wedding Day" dolls we found on eBay several months back? Like we've said in the past, Twitarded's not a democracy and we're not promising a "majority rules" outcome to this, but we'd genuinely like to hear your feedback so we can decide if we need to make some changes.

Sorry to include you in our relatively boring bloggy operations, but we're kinda all family here (a big, dirty, scandalous family), and we like to keep you up to speed on what we're up to. Just remember that we have the right to pull the "Because I said so!" card and do what we want when it's all said and done.

I promise some random funniness tomorrow! Because Monday sucks and not in the good vampy kinda way, either.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Twitarded Robert Pattinson Encounter of the Best Kind!

We here at Twitarded are a little sad. Huffy, maybe... It's like that part in Eclipse where Bella stomps her foot and Jacob is all 'I thought girls only do that in movies'. Well, he's fucking wrong. I'm definitely foot-stompy-bent-out-of-shape. We aren't at Comic Con [sniffle...though it's probably for the best. JJ pointed out that we most certainly would be ejected from the premises the second we went all fist-a-cuffs on the first tweeny-bopper who gave us the stink-eye], we're not going to TwiCon [whaaaa...] and we had only limited luck with JJ set-stalking Robert Pattinson while he was filming Remember Me semi-near her office [yes, you can call the whambulance now, please - just make sure there's room for two]. However, sometimes we get to live vicariously through our reader's encounters with RPatts! Because, frankly, that's as close as we're gonna get to that adorkable (and hot! oh lawd is he hawt!) dude.

Fellow Twitard Justine recently sent me an email about her up-close & personal encounter with RPatts, and she's been kind enough to let us share it with you! We secretly hate you for this, but in the most loving way ever! As in Envious. Invidious. SOOOO J-E-A-L-O-U-S!!! We are 100% certain that you all will be as overwhelmed with jealousy as we were, yet still somehow enjoy the feeling just like we did...

"Beg pardon? You want do what with me where now?! Er...I'm still listening...Go on..."

Sent under cover of "How Twilight brings families together" because she was nice enough not to gloat, Justine (who is currently in France) told me how Twilight had brought her closer to her mom Christine and her teenage sister, Hunter:

Hi Snarkier Than You,
i love love love you and Jenny Jerkface's blog Twitarded [note from STY - jftr we never get tired of hearing this - thanks!], i go to it many times a day. Anyway, in regards to the blog post about your sister and you now sharing something, i have a similar story now with my little sister (16) and my mother (46) and how we are all obsessed with RPAttz and my mom is a complete enabler now. She even encouraged me to go the the Remember Me set and to wait all day and guess what? I met RPattz i included the photo (i look like a cat in headlights who is melting because an angel is holding her at the waist and yes even a hint of a smile [SQUEEE!!])! I just wanted to share this email chain with you, from my mom to me because I think you might find some humor in it.
PS - thanks for filling my life with amazing Twitarded humor every day
PPS - I think i may have seen Jenny Jerkface on the nyc subway once, oddly enough [note from STY - Justine has been warned that if JJ sees her on the subway, she will rush up to her and rub herself all over her just in case there is a little lingering "Essence of Robward" on her person... Although Justine said her sister already did that, soooo... And the shirt she was wearing belongs to her sister, who won't relinquish ownership of it! Yo, li' sis: give the shirt to Justine!]


From: Christine [Mom]
To: Justine

Hope you are having a fantastic time - and having fun with Twilight!

From: Justine
To: Christine/Mom

i am having fun with Twilight, Comic Con is starting soon and rob is there in san diego :( but i was wondering if that blockbuster is still near you, can u go grab me those RPattz chocolates? i want one lol or 3 or 4.

From: Christine/Mom
To: Justine

I will go by today and see if they have your chocolates : ) are they shaped like Rob??? [we wish! full, anatomically-correct Robward custard-filled chocolates... mmmmmm...]

From: Justine
To: Christine/Mom

haha i wish they were, i think they are hearts or something, but they are cream filled lol... [this sounds SO dirty to me now - must be from the infamous "love custard" post"...]

From Christine/Mom
To: Justine

ok, i don't want to get into this whole Rob thing but Hunter [younger sis] and I were just listening to an interview he did for Twilight, and I have never heard his voice before...I have to say, this guy is over-the-moon gorgeous. Now I have to go peel Hunter off of the couch, I think she melted with lust from hearing him speak...she said he does not sound like that in Twilight.
Oh my...

From: Justine
To: Christine/Mom

ahahahahah when i met him [more on this in a sec!!!], his voice was no joke like an angel--so spoft spoken and melodic, GAH!! i love him ;P

From: Christine/Mom
To: Justine

yeah, well... his hands running through his tousled hair... shit yeah.

From: Justine

To: Christine/Mom



Now THAT'S how to bond with your adult daughter!

But wait: the best is yet to come!!! Here's the deets on Justine's RPatts encounter!

Here's the story of what actually happened. so i live in brooklyn and they were filming a few blocks away; I wanted to go over there but my dad and grandma think i'm fucking crazy (like no joke, they want me committed to which i respond, hello! i just graduated college with magna cum laude! holy shit you think I'd catch a break?!) so I called up my mom (who lives in CT) and she was like, you will never get over it if you don't go--you must go to the set, and take pictures! [YAY Mom!] So i go super-early the next morning and they weren't there until later in the day. I go back at 8pm and wait with a bunch of other girls, some fucking annoying 12 yr olds were running up and down the block trying to get his photo, they were kicked off set luckily - people like that just ruin everything for the respectful (and somewhat less crazy) people like me :) anyway, so the crowd dwindles down to around 10 people around 1:30 am, and we had been shivering and standing in heels for hours... the crew wouldn't give us any food (jerks - and not the good Jerkface kind lol). Rob finally came out with his bodyguards (all of the PA's and guards have nicknames on twitter from fans btw like "the regulator," "dr. phil" [note from STY - I know EXACTLY which dude this is 'cause I thought the same thing!], "evil taye diggs" - the list goes on) and they made us form a line and i was 2nd in line and i was shaking because i was fucking IN HEAVEN!! and cold too and i smiled at him and he he was laughing at something and he put his arm around my waist and i put mine around his and he smelled like a man i would want to do dirty nasty things to me (don't tell me boyfriend although he already knows) and beer, lots of beer (heinken bottles were all over the inside of his trailer--you'd think he'd have better-quality beer these days). then we took the photo and i was in shock, and i forgot to do the one thing my mom made me promise, so i got in line again, and when it was my turn I whispered to him "so my mom said she would never forgive me if I didn't ask you out for a drink" and rob--laughing in his melodic voice--says "what? with your mom?" and i said "no with me hahahaa" and he replied "hahaha i don't drink" and i blurt out "hahaha yeah right!" and then the guards whisked him away very swiftly and i got a very strong need to wear blue and red plaid all of a sudden - it's like he sleeps in that shirt. he was just so gorgeous i honestly can't find the right words for it and yet so humble and nice to us...c'est tres magnifique!

PS - I told my mom we were gonna be on Twitarded maybe and she was like "omg what does that word mean? i have to add it to my vocabulary now," and as we speak she's at the library trying to figure out which is the first book in the series and why she has to be on a wait-list to get it!!!!!
I know I say this all the time [under the right circumstances I'd consider temporarily switching teams for Tina Fey], but I want to go to there!!!

Dammit! Not only did Justine get to touch RPatts, she looks soooo fucking adorable doing it! If I was hanging around until the wee hours of the morning I'd look like someone dragged my ass down Broadway and back. On my face.

Congratulations, Justine, on your uber-successful on-set adventure! We're totally proud of you - and your mom! RPatts looks genuinely happy & shy & adorable [ok and a little toasted, too] in the pic (probably because you are so cute) and your mom deserves kudos for giving you the extra push it took to get you down there - go mom!!

P.S. If it were me in the pic, you would probably only see my eyes rolling back in my head due to the fact that I was passed out. [THUD! Snarky down! Call whine nine one one!!]

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Joe Blow Hates Twilight Fans and I Don't Care

Oh no! My Ming Reading senses are tingling... quick, Twitards! To the Cullen House! There is a Twi-Hater nearby... We must seek him out, rip him limb from limb and burn the pieces - that's the only way to kill him.

Or was that the only way to kill a vampire? Shit, don't remember...

Ah fuck it, let's do it anyway!

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding.

If there is one thing I love more than Twilight it's staring at Robward's uber zexiness online gettin' into a good, clean debate. Or a dirty fight. Same difference, right?

We all know there are plenty of peeps out there who think that Twilight is a brain-cell-murdering, paper-wasting piece of garbage. More so, these folks think that we, ahem, 'older' ladies who are reading this trite are lame-brained pathetic bitties who really, really need to get a life.

Scott Wampler, from the Examiner, is one of them. He's recently done what Snarkier Than You refers to as 'Poking the Bear' by writing a negative article in an attempt to skewer 'Twi-hards." I should point out that by his own admission, he is a comedian by trade, did little-to-no research on his subject matter, and has no clue what he's talking about, so we probably should go easy on him.

Or not. Hmmm, did I have a good day or a bad day...?

Yup. Bad day.

Naturally, I'm sure the response isn't going to be pretty but I suspect that's what "The Wamp" expects [it's ok if we call you that, right? I mean, we're all friends here?]. After all, who takes kindly to someone labeling them stupid pathetic lame-Os? I'll take a gander and say...nobody. However, any comment anyone leaves for him will just be twisted around and used as fodder for his somewhat-unclear point (which I think morphed from "Twi-Hards are ridiculous" to "Twi-Hards don't have a sense of humor"). Cuz' you know, some folks can dish it but they can't quite take it.

Anyway, because I love looking for stuff that will get my panties in a self-righteous indignant knot I meandered my inferior, dim-witted, Twilight-obsessed ass over to his page and took a look.

I admit it - I always get excited when I come across a Twi-hater. I keep hoping one will visit our blog and tell me what a stupid twatwaffle I am, but that day has not yet arrived and STY will not let me 'poke the bear' [Mr. Wampler you really need to get a STY on your side. Seriously, think about it]. I was hoping for something funny and exciting.

Pthhhp. Same shit, different day.

Now, Twilight Moonlighter has already posted her rebuttal at the Examiner, but I feel compelled to throw my two cents in because I'm jerky like that.

[What was that tug I just felt? Oh right, STY aka "Jenny Jerkface's fucking conscience" is telling me to play nice or get out of the sandbox. Fine, fine.]

I'm not going to address any of comments regarding teenagers because 1)I'm not one 2)I don't have one 3)I don't plan on having anything that might grow up into one and 4) I'm selfish, egotistical and only focus on shit that pertains to me. My blog, my rules, 'member?

To be fair, The Wamp makes some valid points. No one here is claiming that the Twilight series should be taught in high school Lit classes and, honestly, we'd probably make fun of someone if they did. Just because we read and enjoy Twilight doesn't mean the fact that it isn't exactly Pulitzer prize winning writing is lost on us. Us non-tweeners--we get that.

And if you're an adult and you're into this nonsense, we're looking at a bigger
problem. Take, for instance, THIS site. If you're still here, lemme tell you what that link does. It transports you to a genuinely creepy place called "Twilight Moms". A place for moms who love "Twilight" just as much as their teenage daughters. One can't help but imagine this is some sort of desperate attempt at bonding by a group of middle-aged women who have lost the ability to communicate with the surly, moody, ever-fickle being they call a "teenage daughter". And if it's not, then the alternative is even more
depressing: you're an adult who reads a series of vampire romance books marketed to teenage girls, written at their 9th grade reading level. Wow. For the woman who finds all those bodice-ripping romance novels too "Porn-y", there's always "Twilight".

You know, there are so many things I could totally take Mr. Wampler to task for, but this is Twitarded and we don't do that. We just make fun of them instead. I mean, really folks, it's a fucking book. [Blasphemy, I know!]

I'm terribly sorry (not really) that you feel my life is depressing because I am a 31-year-old woman, with no children, and I'm reading--and enjoying--a romance series geared towards teens. The fact of the matter is that you couldn't be more wrong: my life is pretty frigging good. So, what's a gal like me doing reading this silly fictional romance novel?

Two words: Brain Porn.

Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse. Pathetic? Possibly. Harmless? Absolutely. Fun? Ummm, oh hell yes, it is!! Everyone needs a little fun in their life, and while my life wasn't exactly lacking fun pre-Twilight, it definitely upped the merriment factor in mine (I'd tell you about the other things I find fun but then I'd have to kill you).

For a few minutes (or hours) a day, us old bitches and battle-axes sit down and stop being moms, executives, lawyers, wives, girlfriends and dominatrixes and become... Twitarded. We drool over pictures of Rob Pattinson's jawline and sheepishly chuckle when we admit that we find a man a few (or many) years younger than us handsome. We discuss the criticisms and controversies of the book and banter back and forth about how our lives are different since we've found Twilight. And we choke with laughter, hork coffee from our nasal passages and nearly pee ourselves while we do it.

We here at Twitarded know how silly we are for reading Twilight. We are fully and happily aware of what non-Twitards think of us.

And we don't care.

It's not just about the books, you see. It's about what the books have done to us (and for a full list of that, check this out) and for us. It's not a desperate attempt at bonding, as you tried to conveniently label it. It IS bonding (and just for the record, we weren't desperately attempting to make it so). It's brought us closer together with family members, friends, lovers, and even total strangers. In the process of reading these books, many of us have rekindled or discovered some part of ourselves that we were hardly even aware was missing in the first place. Twilight has made us stop in our tracks, even if only for a few seconds, and take a much-needed and well-deserved break from everyday life. But, and pay attention because this is the most important thing of all, Twilight has made us laugh our tits off.

Now, before you think Twitarded is some namby-pamby, mushy Twi bullshit, you've got us pegged all wrong. I'm about as sentimental as a hooker is chaste. We make fun of Twilight nearly as often as we say we love it. But we pick because we love. Life is too short not to poke fun at things, ya' know?

You might think the last laugh is yours. But it isn't.

It's ours.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Things That Make Me Go "SQUEEEEE!!!"

[I got nuthin' to say... And you all know I'm a wordy bitch...]

Now that everyone has had a collective moment or two to breathe and compose themselves after viewing the out-takes from the US Weekly photo shoot that were recently released, let me toss you all right back into SqueeVille. You know you want to go to there...

I think that one of our readers, we'll call her "TwiTexas" (or "TT" for short - you know we're lazy and like to shorten things...), said it best when she looked at a few of the photos we posted last night in our disturbing-but-warmly-received "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About What JJ Will Do With STY's Cremains But Were Afraid to Ask" post:
For fuck's sake, please post a Surgeon General's warning ahead of pictures of that hotness level! Holy fucking hell. I could have died. I just got off the elliptical machine & should have headed straight to the shower. Instead, I had to do a quick check of my usual online twi-haunts, as it had been several hours since I'd had a chance (I'm not sure if you should be flattered or grossed out that Twitarded trumps my personal hygiene). Cheese and rice! My heart rate was already elevated & I was sweating like a whore in church. At the first (of what will be many) viewings of that beautiful compilation, my heart pulled its emergency chute & shot out of my chest. While I wouldn't really mind a Death By Robward, I don't relish the thought of my husband & child finding me face down of the floor still clutching my iPhone. Somehow I think that little fact would work its way into my obituary.
Couldn't have said it better myself! These pics made my heart go all wonky, too - but I say if it gets into my obit - as is should! - post that motherfucking shit right here on Twitarded. It's only right...

Anyway, I would have posted this sooner, but I didn't want the country's productivity level to sink to absolutely nil during business hours... It would have been chaos!!! Anarchy!!! Although I probably should have given you all the heads-up to bring home/"borrow" that portable defibrillator from the office... Just in case... Oh well--watch at your own risk! You might want to have someone standing nearby - facing AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER - with a cold glass of ice water [to splash on you, not for drinking] and some smelling salts or something. Get together with a friend and take turns! And please, put it in "full screen" mode - ok? The music might not be for everyone, but who cares? If you want to see my new screen saver, it's at about 2:07...

Thanks to SarahCullenHale for putting this together!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Robert Pattinson is Trying to Kill Us!! With his sexiness, that is...

It's a frightening thing, those curious and often outlandish thoughts that get tossed around in both my and STY's craniums. Sometimes we start posts, mull them over, and realize we would probably be committed if we actually published them. I mean, who thinks the bizarreness that goes through our minds [well, to be honest, we're starting to suspect we're not alone...]? We should block these thoughts from our heads! Deny ever even entertaining them!

But not us. Nope, we end up posting them.

Maybe our parents dropped both of us on our heads when we were infants and as a result we have conversations like the one we had today, which involved Rob Pattinson, making out, death, and... an urn (don't say I didn't warn ya').

It all I started when I was chatting with my mom on the phone earlier today and got an email from STY...

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:20 PM
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subject: can't ... breathe...

Hottest. RPatts. Pics. EVER!!!

i've been dazzled...

I scrambled to hang up on my mother and drooled over the pictures for a few minutes, possibly squirming in my seat. After I managed to recover my composure and change my undies I shot STY an email:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

I was on the phone with my mom when you sent that:

Me: Moo, I'm telling you that they can't just arrest us because we're wandering around with a huge cardboard cut out of - oh wait. [cuts mom off] Ooooh, STY just sent me pictures of Rob Pattinson
Mom: starts laughing.
Me: [opens link - makes audible 'ahhhhh' sound] I gotta go.
Mom: [dying laughing] You guys are insane.

My god, that boy just melts panties...

STY responds immediately:

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

i actually felt something weird going on in my chest as i looked at those. i don't get it. WHY IS HE SO HOT??? but whatever. if he gives me a heart attack i want you to stalk him with my ashes or something creeptastic like that, ok?? it'll be you, my urn, and the full-size-edward cut-out documenting your epic Robward-stalk. you'd do that for me, right???

Does that bitch know who I am? I mean, duh, of course I would. It is little things like this that confirm my suspicions that we are totally, unequivocally fucking twisted in the head.

OMG, these ladies are nuts. Someone save me, please!

The chain continues:
-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

Yes, I will absolutely stalk RPattz with your urn - right after I poop in his trailer. Make sure it has the Cullen crest on it [the urn, not the poop], 'kay? Because he might not understand otherwise.

Can I make out with him while I'm holding your urn or is that too creepy?

I'm actually terrified of JJ and STY at Twitarded. This isn't just water - it's actually sweat. From fear. From fear I tell you!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

yeah sure, make out all you want. you just have to sprinkle some snarky on him while you're going at it, if that won't be a problem?

-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

Is that like a threesome? I guess I'm cool with that. I might freak out if you get in my mouth though. Just sayin'. Nothin' personal.

Just how imagine how nice his hair would look with a dash of ash in it...

Huh. I never knew STY felt so nice in my hair...

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

cool - i was totally hoping you'd go for the hair.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

I figured you could get the hair and I'll take the rest - you know, nipples, fingers, crooked smile... oh yeah, and his cock.

You Twitards are sick and twisted... I like that. Wanna get wet?

New Moon Trailer Spoof [Spoilers, natch.]

The folks who brought you "Dimlight" are at it again! Um, I think... It's the same chick, anyway... Maybe?? Anyway - haven't seen Dimlight? Go check it out!

Many thanks to Selene for the tip on this hilarious spoof of the New Moon trailer - spoilers abound, naturally...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Twitarded Confessional: Twilight Brings Siblings Together!

I don't come from the most close-knit of families. I love my older sibling--Sister Snarky--like nobody's business, but we've never spent a lot of time together as adults [you may remember how after much effort I finally managed to turn her to the Sparkly Twi-Dark-Side a few months ago]. We were pretty tight as tots:

Of COURSE she looks annoyed: I have a bottle AND an ice pop and she has a cup of water and bowl of ravioli or something... Yup, Mom & Dad liked me better...

And somehow we BOTH survived "The Playpen of Death" - I think this thing was actually made out of chicken wire and this pic was taken about three seconds before my HUGE big sis flipped the whole thing over... She made me get stitches more times than I can count but I broke her collar-bone riding her around the living room like a pony so we're even, right?

JJ swears I still make this exact same face...

It was the seventies, people - we were workin' it! I think we are holding new furry stuffed animals of some sort...

This was taken in the pilot's cabin on the monorail at Disneyworld! Life was good.

However, she was older and cooler and at some point didn't want me following her around; I was the doting younger sibling who spent most of her time doing her bidding under threat of "I'll hate you if you don't." While we've enjoyed each other's company as adults, we've never spent an inordinate amount of time together. Random inexplicable exception: week-long Bahamas get-away circa the mid-nineties [note to Sister Snarky: if I was a little cranky it's because I was having a nicotine fit the entire time we were there because I didn't want you to know I smoked]:

She's still skinnier; I still have bigger boobs.

Admittedly, I am a lame aunt to her two awesome kids. And I feel pretty bad about it. But then I remember stuff like how she and her friend (who were supposed to be babysitting) would make lunch for me and the other kids and would write stuff on the underside of our paper plates that we weren't allowed to read until we had completely finished out sandwiches and mine would inevitably say "Your sandwich had a fly in it" or have instructions for doing bust-increasing exercises [flail arms around in wild circles while chanting "you must! you must! you must increase your bust!" anyone else remember that? no? moving on...] and I don't feel quite as terrible. Admittedly still kinda guilty, though...

But Twilight has brought my sister and I together in a way that makes me get all teary in a good kinda way... I think I have talked to her more in the past four months than I have in the last four years. She hasn't managed to convert any of her friends (yet - but I'm counting on you to preach to the masses, Sister Snarky), so basically she only has me to share her new-found obsession with - mwahahahaha! And I love her all the more for it...

A few random-yet-priceless Sister Snarky blurbs:

On watching Twilight with her 12-year-old niece:

I finally broke down and bought a dvd of Twilight so I could watch it to my hearts content (of course two days later school ended so that shot that idea, but I digress) and last weekend we had Violet [names changed to protect the legitimately innocent] for the weekend, which was great because she's a HUGE Twilight fan. I was so excited to watch it with someone that I forgot she is only 12 and I think I completely freaked her out. Lesson learned - a 43 year-old mom should not watch a movie with a child where it might happen that they are both lusting for the same pretty boy. After about 10 times where Edward appeared and I went, how do you say it... "squeeeeeeeee!", Violet suddenly was "tired" and sulked up to bed. Poor me watched the rest of the movie alone with no one to "squeeeeee!" with (OK, maybe quietly to myself) or talk about how they put too much lipstick on RPattz's pretty face. SO embarrassing...

Random email during one of the rainiest spring/summer seasons in NJ:

From: Sister Snarky
Sent: Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:26 AM
To: Snarkier Than you
Subject: Am I in Forks?

Rain... Grey.... Cold... Everything green.... Did I die and wake up in Forks? Edward, darling, where are you????

And my personal favorite, Sister Snarky's belated "How Twilight Changed My Life" entry [hey she's family--I made an exception--Twitarded's not a democracy, remember? Oh and I'm going to need some prizes back because this one takes the cake - jk...]:

Here is what I was thinking as I was reading your "How Twilight changed my life" entries, because while they were good, and I am all for women having a good looking dude to think about when they are shagging the husband, I realized I had a really good one but didn't submit it on time. So here it is:

Twilight changed my life in that it allowed me to see my sister for who she is for the first time in our lives. She gave me a copy of Twilight (loaned, but it's mine now) and harped on me for months to read it.
Unfortunately, I was a die-hard Buffy fan and any vampire who wasn't a bleach-blond named Spike could just, well, bite me. So I let a lot of time pass without Twilight in my life (I can't believe it either, I know). Then, one night I picked it up for the hell of it. I am not sure what happened next, for the next thing I knew three days had passed, I hadn't slept, I was on the last few chapters and I was running to the bookstore like a junkie so I could get New Moon and not have to suffer a moment of Twi-withdrawal. I was hooked. My sister told me that if I finished all four books there was a reward. After finally getting through the love/hate relationship that is Breaking Dawn, I got that reward in the form of Twitarded. You see, my sister is Snarkier Than You (she really is by the way). I was absolutely blown away by the blog. My sister was snarky (like me!) and over-the-top fucking hilarious (like I hoped to be!). And she had friends who are fall-off-your-chair funny and sarcastic too! I never knew!! My sister was always "the pretty one" but I secretly gloated over the fact that I had the better personality - but guess what - that is blown to itty-bitty bits now because she just might be wittier than me. So unfair - smaller nose, bigger boobs and now funnier and more sarcastic than myself [note from STY: Sister Snarky is BEAU-T-FUL! And thinner than I will ever be...]. Without a doubt, if we both met Edward she would get him and I would end up with what you know is the very small-penised Mike.
She sucks but I love her more than ever... and yes, Twilight might be even better than Buffy.

I can't even describe how warm & fuzzy this made me feel! I'll admit it: I was teary. And am so happy that we're closer now - thanks to Twilight! - than we have been in years and years and years. Who knew???

In an awesome but slightly-less-deep it's-a-small-Twi-World moment, I was at her place last weekend (she was gunning for "Saint" status by hosting our parents - yet again! - while they were visiting from out of town) and we were whispering conspiratorially about Twilight and the blog while we were hoping nobody else was paying attention. Nobody else in my family know about our Twilight obsession or Twitarded, and although Mr. Sister Snarky is aware of the blog's existence, he's never been allowed to read it because he's not a fan and rumor has it that SS threatened to go all Lorena Bobbit on his privates should he bring it up in the presence of my parents.

We were giggling like we were tweens again [what IS it about Twilght?!] and half expecting our father to tell us to knock it off or we'd be sent to our rooms without dinner when she said something that stopped me in my tracks...

Sister Snarky: I was on YouTube searching for Twilight stuff and I found this awesome video that shows the Edward doll bobbling along outside a car as it's being driven through Forks... It's HYSTERICAL! You HAVE to watch it!!!

Snarkier Than You: Wait - the one with the music from "Run Lola Run"?!?

SS: YES!!! That's the one!!! I loooove that video!!!

STY: That was made by Vitamin R70, one of our fave bloggy friends!!! She is camping this weekend but I'm going to Tweet her now because she's totally gonna DIE when I tell her this story!

I guess my sister and I are a lot more alike than we ever suspected... And thanks to VitaminR for her part in the sib bonding over the weekend!

And I know I've posted it here before, but Vitamin R's awesome "Pocket Edward Goes to Forks" video has staying power and still cracks me up! And it cracks up Sister Snarky, too. Luv' ya', sis!!