Sunday, July 12, 2009

All Searches Lead to Twitarded!

Did someone say "100,000 visitors"???

A few things I LOVE:

1) Reading the "This Is How You Found Us?" posts over at Letters To Twilight.

2) Checking our counter to see how many people have visited us.

3) Obsessing over our Sitemeter stats. Particularly the "Referral" pages [i.e. "how you got to Twitarded"].

Put them all together in one big Twilighty package and what do you get??? That's right! It's the very first breakdown of all the random, wild, unusual, and frankly sometimes a little bit disturbing searches that have led people here to Twitarded! Jenny Jerkface and I have been sending the more..."curious" referral links to each other for a while now - nothing perks up a weekday morning at the office like knowing someone was googling "lady bursting pee" and found your blog instead! We've had so many laughs and "REALLY?!?" moments over this that we've been meaning to share the random madness with you guys for a while. I figured since we recently crossed the 100,000 visit threshold [WOOOO!!!], it would be an opportune moment to discuss some of the more remarkable ways you found us.

For better or for worse, what follows is a random smattering of the searches that brought people here. Some of you liked what you saw and stuck around, which makes us go "SQUEEE!!!" Errrr, and some of you were looking for some really fucked up shit and visited Twitarded for .001 seconds and then got the fuck out of dodge, and for this we are also thankful. No "squee" for you (you might like it and honestly we don't want you sticking around).

I Want to Go to There [props to Tina Fey duly noted]

"twilight smut websites"

"smut fanfiction"

"twilight smut"

"hot twilight fan fic"

YAY! Our work here is TOTALLY accomplishing what we set out to do. Um, kind of... It may not have occurred to us when Twitarded was created, but hey - we gotta be us and we're very happy to be the dirty dames of Twi-bloggyland, thank you very much! And you guys seem to like us "as is" - minds firmly in gutter, mouths potty-like. To give credit where it is due, some of you manage to out-smut, out-dirty, and out-cuss us. We are in awe. And we [heart] you for it. JJ's ML called us "the Howard Stern of Twilght bloggers" a while back and we're flattered-ish.

Er, and then there were people who were looking for more than just some harmless Twi-smut:

"Rob pattinson being choked" - wtf? really?! Are you one of those dudes who had his sorry ass dumped by your girlfriend (or wife!) because "You're not like Edward!" and now you want revenge??? Get over it and stop being such a tool and maybe someone will find you datable again if you wise up. What you SHOULD be should be googling is "How can I be more like Edward Cullen?"

"twitard of the week" - Huh. Well, we haven't actually named one as of yet, but maybe we should!

"name of the montezuma's revenge episode on lavern and Shirley" - I have nothing to say to this because I have NO idea how it relates. This google search = fail.

"the first car radio on the moon book" - This baffles me on so many levels that it's like the google equivalent of an MC Escher print.

"why men love bitches fan fic" - Why? Really? What's not to love???

"will guys enjoy twilight"

"men love twilight"

Yes they will and yes they do. : )

"You just...don't...interrupt Robert Pattinson like that, okay? You just don't." - I have NO idea why you would google this, so if this was you, wft? email me... Um, or don't, because sometimes I forget that there may be be a Twi-fan or two out there who is no older than twelve...

"Rob pattinson bat shit crazy" - Hats off to your choice of words, but who wouldn't be nutters after the wild ride he's had on the set of "Remember Me"?? He's going to need serious, MD-level hope to stay sane!

"dirty dares with dog" - Ok we may have accidentally brought this on ourselves, but don't EVER google this unless you have PETA and Animal Precinct on your speed-dial because you're going to want to contact them after you see what's out there...

"I am looking to rent a life size cutout of Edward Cullen" - I want one, too! And I want it to come to life in the wee hours of the night, just like my toy stuffed animals did when I was a wee lass.

"kat von d" - I need to point out that most searches of this ilk also include the words "pussy" and "tattoo" Huh.

"Robert Pattinson Stretch Marks" - must have been "sympathy stretch marks" after all Bella went through. And you non-vampy dudes say "empathy weight gain" is the best you can do. Feh.

JJ wanted to chime in, too! Thank you, netbook and hinky, boonies-of-New Hampshire internet connection...

"I like to make fun of twitards" - So do we! And we’d probably make fun of you if we knew you, too.

"Lady going crazy on train" - Ah yes, there is nothing more interesting than watching someone have an utter meltdown on public transportation. And what on earth made you click on our blog? [note from STY - um, it might have been your "I'm the Crazy Lady on the Train! post. Maybe. Just a guess. Probably not relevant...]

"Charlie and the chocolate factory twat" - Oh, you mean Veruca Salt? HUH? I had no idea buildings had vaginas! All deliveries should be made at the twat entrance, located…? Or is the twat his secretary? An Oompa Loompa? A factory that makes chocolate twats?

"Hot Teenage Girls" - WTF?! WHOA! Excuse me mr. pedophile (or horny teen) but you’ve come to wrong blog, mister. You will find no teenagers on this site. Only adult women who act like them. And really - how many pages into this search were you before Twitarded came up, a thousand???

And we saved the best for last:

"my cock was hard when i got her into the car we drove to a quiet place in the forest she took off her panties and i got my arm round her i pushed back the seat and fuck"

Yes, someone googled that ENTIRE thing! And it directed them here!

P.S. I have to admit that I realized a while ago that I AM one of those fucking weirdos who comes to other people's sites by wacky, possibly icky means. This occurred to me when I was looking for pictures to go along with the first "100 List" post. I was in the middle of seeing if I could come up with something clever for one of my favorites - "My eight year old now asks "Pretty please with Robert Pattinson on top?" - and suddenly realized that I had just searched for both "Robert Pattinson cherry" and "Robert Pattinson sundae" when I simultaneously hung my head in shame and busted out laughing (yes you can do both of these simultaneously. Trust me).

Thanks to all you folks for getting us over 100.00o visits!! We are flabbergasted and hope we can continue to keep everyone entertained!


  1. Congrats, girls!
    You really have the funniest blog around here. I always read your stuff in the morning and I just need to be careful with my coffee while reading, I could damage my notebook when it blows out!..
    Fuck, I really need a better dictionary to express myself!!! Or my personal native speaking translator! But I guess you know what I´m saying anyway!

    Great week to you,

  2. I totally love your blog and would be completely miserable if I didn't have something on Twitarded to read every day at work. I catch up on a Monday because I'm not (yet) online over a weekend and always am in desperate need of a fix on Mondays!!! BIG TIME Withdrawal over the weekend!!! the rest of the week is a daily check up and I have perfected my growl when my phone dares to ring while I am reading.

    I found your blog by googling 'Twilight Tattoos' and have been hooked ever since.

    you guys make me feel completely normal and at home!! you make it okay to be a 30-something feeling and acting like a teen-something

    love you both!! and all the fellow followers!!

  3. I do have a dark confession though.

    I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen.

    Robert Pattison? Not so much.


  4. Loved this post--all those links are hysterical. And yet . . .I don't want to know what I was googling when I found most of the Twi-sites I now adore!

    How do you figure all of that out? Is there an application you install called "how to read what crazed twilight fans typed yesterday online?" 'cause I want it if there is :-)

  5. ... nah... I think it's just freaky pics of Rob that I'm not in love with... I would totally do him..

    PHEW!!!! Glad I got over that!!!

  6. hey STY! i'm pretty sure that the "name that montezuma's revenge episode" search had something to do with JJ's "Of Twilight and, er, well, ka-ka..." blog in June. haha.
    i happened to find out about you funny ladies from Twicrack Addict's site. i'm so glad that i did, because i LOVE you guys! i can't go a day without checking your site or i go through Twitarded withdrawls!
    love you guys! keep up the great work! <3

  7. Aw man, I can't even remember how I stumbled onto you guys. All I know is that it was a very happy day in my life and now I can't live without Twitarded (oh my, does that make me sound totally desperate and like maybe I don't have a life??)

    And of course I enjoy the cursing and dirty talk so much....

  8. I feel a little "pure" in how I found you guys......a "friend" from "twilightmoms facebook".......hehe I have "online friends".

  9. Oh, JJ and STY!

    There is just too much juicy content today!

    And using my powers of deduction, I think that I have some google-search translations for you.

    "Rob Pattinson being choked" = incident in NYC, when the mob of she-wolves was able to oh-so-easily penetrate RP's security forces, with the Alpha female wrapping her paws around his ridiculously exposed and vulnerable neck. Grrrr....

    "the first car radio on the moon book" = New Moon. Remember how Emmett installed a new car radio in Bella's truck, as a birthday surprise? And then she ripped it out, when Edward absconded? So car radio + moon + book = New Moon.

    "Rob Pattinson bat shit crazy" = possible description of a fan's level of adoration, rather than RP's own mental state. In which case, MY profile probably came up first.

    "dirty dares with dog" = garbled version of "double-dog dare," possibly googled by someone investigating the movie "A Christmas Story." And mistakenly linked to Twitarded, because the New Moon wolves are sometimes referred to as "dogs" (and you ladies are obviously, and proudly, "dirty")?

    And for the person looking to "rent" the life-sized Edward cutout: even if this were possible, it's probably cheaper to buy your own.

    And I don't think I'd want any close personal contact with an Edward/ROB cutout that other ladies have already...enjoyed...if you know what I mean.


  10. Congratulations on reaching 100,000 visitors!

    I start my mornings now with reading this site and usually end up snorting coffee out of my nose at some point.

    You have given us a place to fess up our twi-tarded obsessions with funny like minded people. That having a PE in our purse is completely normal and lusting after a certain 23 year old britt is ok too.

    What more can I say... but Thanks Ladies YOU ROCK!

  11. Mrs. Robinsane
    You just reminded me of the poor life size Edward/Rob on the tour bus in Forks. That thing was so bent up and abused sitting so to speak in the first seat of the tour bus.
    The cutout's were everywhere in Forks, they must have gotten a bulk discount or something.
    I had one scare the crap out of me it was inside of a window of one of the houses on the tour stop the sun was hitting the glass and creating a glare. So when I cupped my hands and peeked in, I came face to face so to speak with Edward/Rob. I jumped back...

  12. Thanks everyone for coming along with us on this nutty Twilight-y ride!!

    Sorry we haven't been around much to comment and stuff but JJ was in the sticks without consistent internet access and I have my hands full with an ill kitty and visiting relatives (note: this is NOT an ideal combo, jftr).

    We'll do our best to keep dishing out the funny - you guys crack us up, too, so it's win-win, in my book (er, and you know what "my book" is - lol.)!

    : )

  13. Holy shits! My side and jaw is hurting from the giggles.

    Congrats on the success! I remember back when you only had 30-ish followers...look at ya now! The queens of of all Twitards and smutty-fun-laughs! =D

  14. im about to leave to go on a lunch date and im laughin like crazy and cant keep a straight face and homeboy is gonna be here any minute....... fuck mite as well scratch this one off my list cuz hes gonna think im crazy ( ok fine he'd think it neway, but not within the first few mins)

    JJ r u back? we've missed u, but not as much as STY has!

  15. hey! you are back! i'm really trying with all my heart to not burst into laughs while reading your post, so far it's been controlled!! yaaay!! i love your blog!!

  16. I'm impressed at your grit, ladies. I don't think I would want to know how most people found my website. Not that I have one. I just live vicariously through you. :)

  17. Wow, 100,000 crazy arse cows like the rest of us - Whoop! haha

    I found you guys through TCA 's website, I distinctly remember something about "love custard" and I was hooked.

    I love you with a Twitarded passion as you crack me the hell up!


  18. Nice job, ladies! I think TwiCrack was also my dealer, er, link to your site and I've been hooked ever since.

    Between you guys and angstgoddess the potty-mouth tendencies have infiltrated my home. Since I have a 7-year-old I've curbed my cussin' habits a lot. However, my old ways - hey, my dad was a truck driver so I come by it fucking honestly - have resurfaced... Yesterday I dropped something and said 'shoot' but my daughter politely corrected me with proper usage, saying 'shit' instead. Sigh - I'm such a good mother. - Suz

    PS - still trying to log in as a regular person (notice I didn't say 'normal') but it forgets my password every time. I'll keep trying to outwit my computer.

  19. TCA posted about your "love custard"
    It was love at first read. :)
    You are the last thing I read before I hit the pillows, it like my own grown-up bed time stories!

    (But really, what the hell do some people google?! O.o)

  20. I can't remember exactly which Twi website I linked to yours from, but I remember that the story was "Edward Flips Emmett the Bird." What's not to love about that? Thanks for my new home. You're snort out loud funny and have taught me all kinds of new words.

  21. that has made me think about my google searches!!! opsie.

    Funny as hell, as ever

  22. Heck yes! I'm so glad I got back in time to read this. Pure hilariousness, especially that filthy paragraph. WTF is up with people sometimes!

    I missed you guys while I was gone!

  23. I found you two through TwiCrack Addict and Pillow Biters and I will forever be thankful to them for leading me to you. You both had me at "I'm the Crazy Lady on the Train" post--it was after reading that that I truly knew I was home and with my peeps.

    I am sure I have searched "Stretch Marks" (having two babies will do that to you) and I know I have searched "Robert Pattinson" many times BUT I can promise you that wasn't me though it is my favorite of the bunch.

    I got nothin' in response to the "best for last". Wow! All I can say is this is sure to make your families proud!

    Congrats on 100,000 plus hits (I am pretty sure I can take credit for at least 20,000 of those). Also, #40 on Top Twilight Blogs?! weren't we just joking about #69? Like I said, your star meter is on the rise. Mwah!

  24. WTF re: Laverne & Shirley!?

    Oh... and speaking of chocolate twats... there's a gal making gourmet vegan chocolate twats in upstate NY. I shit you not.

  25. i've had a Robert Pattinson sundae!! Baskin Robins in Port Angeles Washington has both an Edward and Bella Twilight sundae. even took a picture of Mini-E with one lol

  26. ""Charlie and the chocolate factory twat" - Oh, you mean Veruca Salt? HUH? I had no idea buildings had vaginas! All deliveries should be made at the twat entrance, located…? Or is the twat his secretary? An Oompa Loompa? A factory that makes chocolate twats?"

    I seriously just laughed so hard I woke my baby from her nap ... and she's sleeping upstairs!!

  27. So funny! I laughed so hard, some people I clearly derranged to some extent HOWEVER I have searched some pretty random shit and ended in random places... oh internet, such joys you bring.
    ANYWAY, 'twat' doesn't mean vagina in the UK, it means someone who's a dick (hm, ironic..) haha but you know what I mean I'm sure

    I feel slightly ashamed now, I didn't know people could see the ways others ended up on there site... whoops! Shame.

  28. You or anyone can get an Edward Cullen Life sized never loved by another from fye. My husband brought me one for v-day. I opened the door and Edward was there! I snatched him inside and slammed the door back. I heard my poor husband outside "Hey! Don't i get to come in for bringing him to you?!"

    He is in my dinning room and frequently frightens everyone but me when they turn the corner lol

    I too followed the "love custard" link and read every back entry and every new one since <3 you guys

  29. I forgot to mention that if anyone knows where to find a life sized Jacksper I would trade my Edward, ok maybe not but I'd love you forever. Why the lack of Jasper love? When eclipse comes out they better recognize!! ok i'm done now for real

  30. I forgot to mention that if anyone knows where to find a life sized Jacksper I would trade my Edward, ok maybe not but I'd love you forever. Why the lack of Jasper love? When eclipse comes out they better recognize!! ok i'm done now for real

  31. i've had a Robert Pattinson sundae!! Baskin Robins in Port Angeles Washington has both an Edward and Bella Twilight sundae. even took a picture of Mini-E with one lol


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