Sunday, July 5, 2009

Edward Spends Time With the Family

Beer and burgers are for pussies. The only sustenance I require is Twilight related...

It's no secret amongst my immediate family that I'm bat shit crazy about Twilight. The rest of my family just thinks I'm fucking nuts in general but the Twi-love is kept under wraps.

Since this was a holiday weekend, I've been spending a lot of time with both my family and ML's family. Naturally, ML's family knows nothing of my mental imbalance or they would probably force him to break up with me so I had to be on my best behavior yesterday during the ML Family-athon.

Well, I tried, anyway. The fact that ML was playing Johnny Cash with his mom on the guitars while I was hiding in the bathroom, sending S.O.S. text messages to mine speaks volumes about me, and none of it is good. Not that I dislike ML's family. Quite the contrary - they are the sweetest, nicest people I've met. But I'm not. I have a 'turkey timer' that generally pops around the three hour mark of hanging out with relatives. This isn't an issue with my family because they have it, too. ML's fam, on the other hand... not so much. But I love them, anyway.

Today is the day that I spend with the Jerkfaces. I was hoping to get some blogging done earlier this morning but I woke up late (this may or may not have had something to do with the bottle glass of wine I drank last night) and was still in my pajamas impatiently pleading with the coffee maker to 'hurry the fuck up and brew already' when my cell phone rings.

It's Mommy (not a)Jerkface and she cheerfully informs me that she and Daddy will be at my house to pick me up in 45 minutes [note: I take public transportation to work so technically there is no reason for me to have a car; Jersey is a non-driving-friendly kind of state, just for the record, and because I've been asked so many times... no, I did not get a DWI. And I swear I will taser the shit out of the next person who asks. I simply do not drive. :)] .

Fuuuuuuuuck. I look down at jammies, give a longing pout toward the coffee maker and tell Mommy to drive r-e-a-l-l-y slow.

I'm normally okay with my non-driving status (I REPEAT - I didn't get a DWI) but every now and again being at the mercy of other people blows chunks.

ML cautiously peeps his head out as I race around the apartment, cursing like a sailor.

"My parents will be here in 45 minutes," I tell him, "I got first dibs on the shower."

He knows better than to argue.

I will admit that I tried to drink a cup of coffee while taking a shower. Not as in "I left the coffee nearby on the counter" but literally brought the mug behind the curtain with me. To my caffeine deprived mind, this sounded like a great idea. It wasn't. Shampoo and coffee don't mix, not to mention that the mug gets really slippery when wet. But I'm a multi-taskin' kind of girl so I gave it shot. Definitely don't recommend it.

Naturally, I have to bring everything that is important to me with me, as well. This consists of keys, wallet, identification, gum, New Moon, the Twilight movie, my laptop (I was sitting on the patio as I was writing this), my camera and, of course, Edward (he says 'hi, Twitards!').

Twitards kick ass!

Mommy (not a)Jerkface didn't even blink an eye. She even asked if I was going to take pictures of Edward while we were at Costco but I didn't because I was too busy having a wave of rage over the crowds. Maybe next time. When we got home, I lurked around the kitchen, Edward in hand, looking for good photo opps. Mommy looks at me, rolls her eyes and says, 'you know, he really should help out or something.' She plucks Edward from my hand and puts him on the counter. 'Tell him to grind some pepper.'

Edward usually rips someone limb from limb for ordering him around but he and Mommy (not a)Jerkface are tight so it's cool...

And so the Jerkfaces gather. There was pitter and there was patter and a few slices of bullshit stories along the way but, as always, this long holiday weekend involved the most important things... Twilight, Edward, RPattz hair porn, Twilight blogs, Twilight news and... even family. Once in awhile.

35 comments:

  1. Love Your Mom...need to see Edward with some part of Mom..maybe an eye? er..maybe not.
    and..yep - 3 hours then "ding". can relate.

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  2. OK first time commenter, long time reader...well, week long reader but in Twi-terms, I think that spending most of my working and waking hours here getting caught up feels like a lifetime! I love your blog, I laugh every day now and am no longer ashamed of being in my umpteenth year of 29 and taling about anything Twilight related. I found a way to work it into the conversation consistently during my July 4th drinking fun!
    Thanks for helping me find a place to go where I KNOW I am accepted in all of my Twitarded glory and where I found out that my new found obsession is not as crazy as I thought it was!

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  3. Loved this post! As a multitasking girl I can totally related to the coffee in the shower . . .just amazed that this is the first time you've tried it!

    (Note: Sandwiches and the shower don't mix either.)

    Props to your Mom for rolling with the mini-Edward!

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  4. I love hor your family accepts (or rather tolerates) your twilight obsesion. my cousin threatend to BBQ mini-E if i brought him to the family fireworks. ....... mini-E stayed home ( because id rather not have perfect grill lines running through him) and i kicked my cousin and tried to light him on fire with a sparkler.

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  5. Mommy (not a)Jerkface rocks! BTW, I drink coffee in the shower all the time but I have a handy shelf to set it on.

    OK, so here goes my "Twilight Outing" on our nation's birthday yesterday. So, we went to the in-laws and for whatever reason the subject of Twilight came up and the subject of my video came up. My FIL asks to see it. I tell him OK but he probably won't get it b/c he has not seen the movie, blah, blah, blah. I am admittedly a wee bit embarrased. So, he watches and he kind of chuckles. Fast forward a few hours....we are over at their next door neighbors for a BBQ and we all just got there and sat down (thank the gods I had already quickly downed a double vodka lemonade--shout-out STY!). So, we are sitting around with all these people I do not know and my FIL goes, "So, have you all heard of Pocket Edward?" I kid you fucking not! I turn to my husband who rolls his eyes, I look at my oldest daughter and her eyes light up. I look at my FIL and I am mortified. He continues of course, "So, my DIL here made this very clever video....." OK, so I cut in here and fully explain my insanity--laughing nervously the whole time. Then, the kind of wacky-looking niece (in my age group FYI) of the hostess giggle and says, "No problem I take photos of bunny puppets and my cousin here (who is 41) takes photos of his action figures all the time."

    Who knew I would be in such "good" company? Needless to say I drank WAY more and had a great time. Can you believe it though? My dear, sweet FIL outed me. I later told him I couldn't believe he did that and he responded with, "Well, I just thought what you did was so clever and I am so proud that you are so creative and crafty." Awwwww. So, Twilight has infiltrated once again. My Twilight related shenanigans have become conversation icebreakers now for my in-laws. Well, alrighty then. I hope everyone had a great holiday!

    Sorry for the lengthy comment--I just had to share with my fellow Twitards who I know will understand.

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  6. *Mental note 2 self* do not try to drink coffee n shower w/out cup w/ lid!

    I have one of those turkey timer things too.. Few hours w/ hubs family (even my family)and it goes off.. I seriously retreat to my car and then they come looking for me where i'm usually reading blogs or texting on my blackberry.. maybe by that time i've popped a few xanax..

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  7. Everything seems like a good idea prior to coffee consumption.

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  8. I don't think I can share my obsession with my family... so am very jealous. will take a while before I come out of the closet.. not ready just yet, and don't have a pocket Edward by my side to help me... knowing he would be snarling to laughs and sniggers would help alot

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  9. Well, I was looking for an early AM Twilight fix and I get multi-tasking tips ... I love this site! I might have to try that coffee thing (with shelf idea) since I'm not a morning person (hmmm... blogging at 3AM could be why... Nah!) and am never on time for Any. Thing. Ever.

    My Twilight/4th/Family story is not good: dear mom went to spend the holiday with the relative from whom I borrowed Eclipse months ago. She actually asked if I was 'done with it' so she could return it ... Mom is clearly unaware of my problem, but I love her and will pick out a good home when the time comes. I handed it over and am now waiting for it to come out in paperback next month. If the bitch I borrowed Breaking Dawn from wants her copy back I may have to change my phone number. What's with these people?? - Suz

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  10. lmao. love your blog!

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  11. JJ, your mom kicks ASS! My mom would just think I'm a total fucking weirdo (which is partially true, I think) and probably suggest I "talk" to someone!

    And dude, I feel your pain with the turkey timer! Holy fucking shit on a stick, mine went off about 2 hours into a 3 DAY visit. The in-laws only usually stay in Maine for two days and we're required to do 2-3 meals with them... they were here for 3 FULL DAYS and spent the afternoons at my house! WTF people, how am I supposed to get any Twi-stuff or blogging done with you hanging around?? Errrrr....

    I've never been so happy to see a holiday weekend behind me!

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  12. Funny, it seems like we all pack our bags with the same stuff. Welcome to Twi-weekend-packing!

    I just laughed so hard that my coffee came out of my nose (this was not funny!), when I pictured you in the shower with the coffee. Reminder: Never try that myself!!
    However, if men would try such a multitasked thing, they would fail even thinking about it! So be proud, you at least gave it a shot!

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  13. You guys all start my day off so nicely. Cuppa coffee and Twitarded. There really is no other way to do it.

    Glad you all had good fam times. I have not been outed as of yet, but HusbandJFox informed me that he almost bought me the coveted Edward poster mag "as a joke." A joke...right! I cursed his lack of follow through, but conceded that I probably didn't want a tangible paper trail to my madness anyway. I've got Google image search...

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  14. What a way to start the morning! Reading twitarded and snorting coffee out my nose!

    Shower coffee... Need an easy grip silicone mug for it, so it doesn't slip out of your hands. Oh hey my 7-ll mug would probably work great!

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  15. Bloody funny! Your mum is a cool chickadee. Glad you had fun and drinking always makes things so much better. haha

    Well, the kids went fishing all boys together for that male bonding experience. I was called later for food, drink and more bait. Yuck! Yes, I hooked on some dead bug-eyed fish and went back to my book and M.E. Didn't catch anything but crabs! haha That sounds terrible but true, only the Blue Claws were biting. So off to the beach laden with the crazy Benny's, to wash off the 'goin fishing' smell. Lovely!

    I always manage to find a space with someone shouting in their best NY accent "Joey, Joey get your ass over here" as the kid with his slicked back and gold medalion mouches over and "what Ma, what?".. Oh the joy's of summer and living down the shore....

    Give me a friggin 'Edwardtini' or 3as I sit smothered in SPF 50 (looking like a milkbottle) bright red cause I do not have a thermostat, under my umbrella... Must look like one cool arse chick! haha

    I have flip flop tan lines and my feet are still milkbottle white, how can that be??

    @Latchkey - I'm with you, visiting family are like fish, after 3 days they start to friggin smell.

    :)

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  16. OMG this makes my day. I just love reading this stuff. This is my first comment.

    My mom had dementia and I just know if she were here (she passed two years ago) that she and I would have just LOVED this passion for Mini Ed. She had that child like personality and I can see us driving and having mini Ed seatbelted, her in the back seat of course, going to the mall, him in the motorized buggy, getting us the best seats in resuraunts, and having a wonderful day together. I do miss her and he would just have loved her I know.

    Thanks for giving all something to look forward to each day.

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  17. Coffee in the shower?? EVERY DAY.
    I just set it on a window sill up
    above the water. ;-) Works like a charm, especially since if I don't get at least half a pot in my before work, every one I work with would dislike me even more. Probably enough to slash tires or something.

    I absolutely love your 3 hour pop-out timer analogy. Perfect. Although, I'm lucky if I last that long. Even shorter if it's SO's friends...

    Awesome stuff, as usual JJ.

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  18. @ Limey - You fucking crack me up! They DO start to smell!! What's even worse is that the FIL's wife doesn't speak - she's a fucking mute - loads of stinky fun! Never thought I'd say it but I was actually looking forward to Monday!

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  19. Quite possibly the best blog name I've seen in awhile, which is actually saying a lot since I have an unhealthy obsession with blog stalking which may or may not require therapy in the foreseeable future. AWESOME!

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  20. I am shocked at how many of you actually drink coffee in the shower. And impressed.

    I have to say, I'm pretty lucky that Mommy (not a)Jerkface is such a Twi enabler. Then again, I guess she's happy I'm addicted to Twilight and not, say, having sex with strange men behind dumpsters or something like that.

    And you guys crack me up, as always! I did have a sneaking suspicion that I wasn't the only one with the 'family' time limit and I was right! Go me! LOL!

    @Limey_1996 - Benny's? New York accents and gold medallions? It sounds like you were at Seaside (or Sleazeside) Heights!! LOL!

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  21. @ParentingByDummies - thank you!! I hope you stick around.

    And if you think you require therapy (for anything at this point, imo) than you definitely belong here. LOL!

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  22. @Latchkey - She's a mute?! haha Shit, just spike her drink or spike her one or the other.

    @JJ - No, not at Slezeside.. YUCK! They are moving further south, help me god! I'll have to start singing very loudy to my Ipod as that normally moves people 25 feet away, haha or I'll just have to start swinging the gun around..haha

    :)

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  23. First of all, you guys crack me up. My BFF and I are both married and in our mid-thirties and have also developed "twitardation". Our hubbies drift off into their happy places as soon as the name Cullen comes up in conversation. Whatever...we hardly pay attention to anything they say anyway.

    Anyway, I was browsing another blog I read on the reg and saw a picture that looked like you guys.

    http://raymitheminx.com/?p=15303

    Check out the 10th picture down....Do I spy an Edward doll? You may or may not have started a trend ladies.

    Thanks for all of the laughs!

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  24. Your mom sounds awesome like mine. She helped me out with Edward pics in Italy... :)

    However, the rest of the family not so much, not only do I have the twi-hater, but I was trying to read Dead Until Dark (first book in true blood series) relaxing at the pool for 4th of July, the entire extended family is there and immediately I get reamed for being a liberal... I kept holding up my book gesturing that I was trying to read but they didn't get a clue... yes this went on for a few hours.

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  25. LMAO!! My "turkey timer" usually goes at about 15 minutes with the inlaws so you are a better person than me!! LOL! Or maybe what I have been saying all along is true: My inlaws suck donkey shit! LOL LOL!

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  26. if your hubby's family were the cullens you wouldn't complain girl!next time try to imagine that your mother-in-law is esme!time will pass fast this way.I.KNOW.BETTER.I.TRIED.IT.ALREADY!
    LOL

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  27. So that is the secret? Damn - all this time I just imagine them DEAD! HEE HEE!!!

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  28. Aww JJ It sounds like overall you had a good holiday weekend and BTW mommy "not a jerkface" sounds awesome!!

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  29. I don't drive either - living in NYC the reason is not questioned, but rest assured, if it were, DWI would likely be the immediate assumed culprit as well. Your blog CRACKS me up, and Laymee and I constantly are all "dude, we should totally hang with them" only without sounding like such assholes.

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  30. My family, the females anyway, completely get my obsession. The males have begun to grudgingly accept the rampant Twitardism amongst the females in my family (looking for RPattz pix really helped mom's computer skills!). But my in-laws? No way. Then, on the 4th, as I was going through Twi-withdrawal at my in-laws, my sister in law, scanning a gossip rag says, "Hey, look it's that sexy vampire - he's my new boyfriend!" I informed her he was mine, but that I'm used to sharing, and we went on to have a fun leering and drooling session looking at RPattz hair.

    Speaking of RPattz hair, I loved the recent gratuitous hair porn, but it was missing my favorite - the sexy fingers in the hair! So, I have a request: Someone out there, with better tech skills than me, and equally obsessed with fingers in the hair porn (how can you NOT be?)PLEASE make us a fingers in the hair porn compilation video or some such thing. Send it to the one of these wonderful blogs that keeps us all sane (or insane, as the case may be). WE NEED IT. (Of course, we'd probably have to make a new line of panties to handle it.) Who's with me on this?

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  31. i spent the weekend in Forks and of course I brought Mini-E with me. on our way home, was stopped by the outlaws place to surprise them for 4th of July
    i spent a good hour or so with Mini-E shoved in my pocked trying to find an spot to take a picture of him without anyone seeing lol(i was successful) my family is aware of my twilight obsession but we've kept it from the outlaws so far

    best part of the day was when dh said we had been to LaPush(he wouldn't say we had spent the weekend in Forks) and his Aunt piped up-did you see any Twilight stuff?? dh spit his drink out lol!

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  32. My family, the females anyway, completely get my obsession. The males have begun to grudgingly accept the rampant Twitardism amongst the females in my family (looking for RPattz pix really helped mom's computer skills!). But my in-laws? No way. Then, on the 4th, as I was going through Twi-withdrawal at my in-laws, my sister in law, scanning a gossip rag says, "Hey, look it's that sexy vampire - he's my new boyfriend!" I informed her he was mine, but that I'm used to sharing, and we went on to have a fun leering and drooling session looking at RPattz hair.

    Speaking of RPattz hair, I loved the recent gratuitous hair porn, but it was missing my favorite - the sexy fingers in the hair! So, I have a request: Someone out there, with better tech skills than me, and equally obsessed with fingers in the hair porn (how can you NOT be?)PLEASE make us a fingers in the hair porn compilation video or some such thing. Send it to the one of these wonderful blogs that keeps us all sane (or insane, as the case may be). WE NEED IT. (Of course, we'd probably have to make a new line of panties to handle it.) Who's with me on this?

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  33. Aww JJ It sounds like overall you had a good holiday weekend and BTW mommy "not a jerkface" sounds awesome!!

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  34. Love Your Mom...need to see Edward with some part of Mom..maybe an eye? er..maybe not.
    and..yep - 3 hours then "ding". can relate.

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  35. Loved this post! As a multitasking girl I can totally related to the coffee in the shower . . .just amazed that this is the first time you've tried it!

    (Note: Sandwiches and the shower don't mix either.)

    Props to your Mom for rolling with the mini-Edward!

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