Monday, July 6, 2009

I Do NOT Look Like Rob Pattinson. Really.

We all know that I've been outed at work as being totally Twitarded. I suppose it was inevitable. If the 'Edward by the Volvo' wallpaper on my computer didn't clue them in, then I assume it was the fake ransom note my work buddy left me, or the fact that I've gotten caught countless times snapping photos of mini Edward at my desk. Or it may have something to do with the fact that the "TWITARDED" logo is in H-U-G-E twenty-something-point font and clearly legible within a twenty-cube radius. Or maybe it was the time I snuck out for two hours to set-stalk Robert Pattinson. Twice. Though in my defense the second time I had the blessing from the boss. You get the picture - I suck at hiding this shit.

But recently, two separate coworkers - who could not possibly have been in cohoots or banding together simply to fuck with me - commented that me and the Pattz look alike. Not one, but TWO. What the hell?

I'm sorry - but if I looked like this I would spend all my time making out with myself, thereby completely estranging myself from friends and loved ones. Oh wait, I do that anyway, minus the making out part...

...and then there is me. Nope, don't want to make out with me...

But it got me thinking and naturally, I have to send my thoughts to STY (though I'm starting to suspect she already knows everything I'm thinking, which is pretty creepy, imo):

dude, not one, but two co-workers told me I looked like RPattz. What gives? I do not look like him! Maybe it's the eyes?

To which she responds:

If you see me staring at you next time we get together (and I definitely will be) it's just me trying to figure out this whole rpatts-doppelganger thing... (and then i may or may not pounce on you like a rabid twifan).

And I shoot back:

I'm totally perplexed about this whole RPattz look alike thing. But if I do look like the female version of Rob Pattinson, I've clearly gone the wrong way about it because I don't have legions of men throwing themselves at my feet. AND I'm obviously not rich and famous!! Someone really should have told me this before I sentenced myself to a life of mundane drudgery at a dead end job - I could have been famous! And beautiful! And WEALTHY! Bastards!

And you can pounce away. I don't mind.

STY, apparently, actually had work to do (pish posh!) but after promising to beat ML to the train station to pick me up after work - and to let me know she's be packing Binaca and Tic-Tacs just in case - she still sent me this email:

we will def get to the bottom of the whole "is JJ rpatts in drag" thing, don't you worry!

Then she included a picture of RPattz... in drag:

It kinda looks like Rob, no? Maybe? Er... okay, we're the worst fans ever. Totally not him. Busted...

Annnnd my head exploded:

WTF?! WHY is RPattz a prettier WOMAN than I am?! He's only allowed to be good looking as one gender!!! Not BOTH! It's SO UNFAIR!!

This reminds me of my days at the Limelight when I was jealous of all the hot chicks dancing in the cages until I realized they were dudes. And I was still jealous!! So sad.

Maybe if I dropped thirty pounds I would look like that? Don't kill me but he kind of looks like Sarah Jessica Parker in that pic...

I still don't see the resemblance and therefore had send off an email to enlist the help of my ever-loving, somewhat reluctant [only because she knows absolutely anything she says could possibly get broadcast to a legion of Twitarded women] Mommy (not a)Jerkface:

Hi Mommy! This is your assignment for tonight...

Please Google pictures of Robert Pattinson and tell me if you think I look like him. Two coworkers of mine say I do (they are clearly sniffing glue or something) but I'd like your opinion. And try not to drool all over the keyboard because Dad will get mad.


Ironically, this picture automatically saved itself as '...sigh'. It knows! It fucking knows!!!

Mommy responds (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...):

Jenny, I did what you said and googled Robert Pattinson. I must admit, he is quite a hunk but I found the fan websites disturbing. I also learned a new word today “perfervid” as in a “perfervid gaggle of gals” as quoted by a Vancouver newspaper criticizing the New York fans. The newspaper said that its citizenry (New York), especially the female ones, go so far as endangering the life of one of the world's biggest stars (ahem) with their rampant adulation. The gals who crimp “RPattz's style in hope of an ogle are also bad for his health. "He's so skinny and stressed. Everyone on set is worried about him."

Anyway, I did a comparison as you requested to see if you looked anything like
RPattz and even went so far as to do a sketch. There is NO possible way you look anything like the “world’s biggest star” (ahem).

First of all you’re funny and he’s not. You have flaming red hair and he
doesn’t have flaming red hair. He’s tall and skinny and you’re not. You have breasts and he doesn’t, thank god. He wears a size 10 ½ shoe (yes I found that info on the internet which is creepy) and you wear a size 5. Please tell your co-workers to rethink their position on this subject because they are WRONG. Hope this helps.

And Mommy encloses this sketch...
I call it Shaggy and Velma.

This is the closest I will EVER come to having my picture taken with Robert Pattinson. And my mother drew it. I'm not even sure where to go with this...

So, there you have it. The Mommy has spoken. Though, I do catch STY staring at me from time to time. And, between you and I, she looks kinda hungry for something...


  1. I love your mom, and she's a great artist.

  2. the picture your mom drew..she is talented...I can only draw stick figures.

  3. My poor mother - I've thrust her into the spotlight.

    She really is a very talented artist. We took a calligraphy class together once and my writing looked like a three year old on crystal meth and Mommy's shit looked... freaking biblical.

    Gotta love the Moooo (that's what I call her in real life). :)

  4. Ok, not to quote everyone else on here but, well, your mom is pretty much awesome!! She went thru a hell of a lot of trouble in the name of research!! LOL

    I have to concur, I do not see the resemblence between the two of yas. that really RPatz in drag up there???

  5. Mommy (not a)Jerkface is "the shit". I love her and do not even know her! :)

  6. you couldn't have asked for a better response. my mum would have just told me to shut the hell up or something.. btw.. you're totally cute.. and look nothing like a man.. not that he's gorgeous and you arent.. but i'd be worried if you did look like a man..

  7. I just have one question, was that picture of the girl REALLY RPattz in drag?????? That's just sad. Mostly because he's actually an attractive woman if it is. Gahh, gender confusion!!!!

  8. @ Aunt_B & Heather - Ummm, I'm pretty sure? If not, I need a scapegoat, STAT. But if you look at his younger pictures, yeah, it kind of looks like him. And Google says it IS him and Google is always right!!!

    But I'm still pissed he's a prettier chick than I am.

  9. Y'all, that is the chick in Little Ashes. Her name is Marina Gatell, according to IMDB.

    BTW, no, you don't look like RPattz, and, yes, your mom rocks!

  10. @fragilelittlehuman - I WAS JUST TESTING YOU!!!

    Okay, I fucked up. Let's just pass by this little faux pas, shall we? LOL

    And she still kind o looks like him... imo.

  11. OME your mother is Awesome! I wish I could be at one of your family gatherings!! Anyway I think you need to frame that sketch and hang it in the Lair!!!!

  12. WTF? You DO NOT look like RPattz! You co-workers are sniffing more than glue in the supply closet..I'm just sayin.

    Your mommy is FTW! Aaand Velma was my hero as a youngin.

  13. #1. You look nothing like RP however I would like to take your picture and photoshop some bushy eyebrows on you. That could be the missing link.

    #2. I never noticed the resemblance between RP and the broad from Little Ashes but I suppose there is a bit. I commented during the movie that she has psycho eyes. You also get to see a lot of her in the movie and by a lot, I mean a full shot of her black hole if you get what I'm sayin. That was a view I could have done without and I don't want to see RP's black hole EVER!

    #3. Your mom is kick ass.

  14. @mmMoxie your #2 comment is hilarious!! First thing we discussed after leaving the movie premier was how absolutely disgusting her ass shot was. I said if there was ever anyone who needed their asshole and crack bleached it was her! It took a totally effing hot scene and basically, if I was a guy and had a "member' it would have gone from hard to soft in a split second.

    I enjoy your blog JJ, keep up the great job!

  15. Oh my bloody god! haha

    Sorry, but you do not look like RPattz and RPattz does not look like you. You don't even have the same shaped face, crooked nose, greasy arse hair or stubble. Maybe you have brain washed your co-workers?? Be careful they don't drump hump you! Love your mum's drawing though, bloody brilliant!

    I must admit that my son asked me why I was Tweeting (or whatever it's called on that bird shit thing) Velma from Scooby Doo the other day but didn't want to be rude and say "guess what my son said...", but now that you mentioned it. haha But feel proud because she was always the brains like a woman Sherlock Holmes.

    He only has size 10 feet?! Shit they look bigger than that. My DH's are size 14 - I know what you are thinking you dirty devils......and it's true! haha

    The early RPattz model photos are bloody scary. Sorry but he looks like a contispated duck.


  16. Sorry meant to type 'constipated' you know - to have trouble heaving out the Havana, our favorite topic! haha

  17. Mommy (not a)Jerkface is totally talented! I love the pic! And perfervid? Never heard of it...thanks for the word of the day!

  18. @JJ You don't look like RPatz. That's just weird for your coworkers to say that and frankly, depending on the time of the day, I would of snapped on my coworkers for saying such a thing. (morning time-might have thought it was funny, afternoon-I would have been offended) :)
    Anyhow, love that your mom did research and drew that picture. She is too funny and totally twitarded herself through association.

  19. I just about wet myself while reading your lastest. Probably because I was trying to imagine my mom sending me that note and I just couldn't do it without laughing so hard that I tested my bladder strength. Mommy (not a) Jerkface rocks!

    As always, thanks for making my twilight obsession feel normal (and for giving me a daily chuckle).

  20. I could maybe see it in the nose . . .but it's a stretch. Your co-workers may be effing with you.

    Total props to your mom for rolling with it and doing the drawing!

  21. bwahaha your mom is awesome!! and your coworkers were obviously drunk at work. the correct brand of beer googles can even turn a cute petite woman into hunky rpattz.

  22. JJ - Pull the chain back under your desk before they yank it again. At least you always have blog fodder, even on a Monday.

    Two expert opinions - you definitely have a cool mom – so do I – (in spite of her bare tolerance of my barely-closeted-Twi-obsession) – so I know. Secondly, I own an art gallery and your mom is clearly talented as hell. Tell her we will need more sketches of Rob to study, however:-) - Suz

  23. Love the sketch! And your Mum.
    Does your Mum always draw you in your lingerie?

  24. Shaggy aka RPattz should have a bigger sexier grin that screams I want you. Otherwise the pic is gr8. Your mom is kind mine would have drawn Scooby to represent me. Dont give up you may have a pic with Rob sometime Im in South Africa so I have even worse odds than yours. Now I need a scooby snack.........

  25. I wish my mom were more accepting of my Twiobsession as yours is(FML) your mom rocks and is talented! I've seen you mention this a couple times on Twitter and you look NOTHING like RPattz! Side note if STY doesn't come through(she probably will cause that's what friends do) come on over to Kentucky and I'll make out with you as long as ML doesn't mind! I really hope you sensed that was a joke cause please don't get freaked out LOL

  26. your mom is awesome - love her! and the sketch is fantastic! print it out and stuff it in the handle of RPatz's CAR!!!!

  27. JJ, your mom rocks! That drawing is priceless!

    And, although I'm repeating others opinion, you don't look like Robert Pattinson; Your coworkers are trying to mess with your brain. Don't let them; you have RP to do that!!!

    P.S. Word verification "predatin". WTF?

  28. #1 - Your co-workers are on crack. Apparently the good kind.

    #2 - You don't look like him. At all.

    #3 - I kinda know how you feel. I got told yesterday by a co-worker that my hair looked like his. WTF? Maybe we're in the same office and don't know it?? (Okay, I live in Canada, so not likely) I have hair down to just before my shoulders with bangs. Apparently me playing with my bangs and pushing them back = RPatz hair. Go figure.

  29. Why do I so want your mom to sketch me with Rob, too?

    I'd probably crap in my pants if I ever met him in person, so it's safe to say that a sketch is the best way to go.

    What a fabulous mom you have!

  30. That sketch is fantastic. Your mom could've illustrated for Shel Silverstein, or Roald Dahl. Frame that next to all your Rob posters!

    And the actress from Little Ashes looks like Robward only in an "all white people look alike" kind of way. As in she doesn't. She does have kind of a masculine jaw line, but I see no Pattinson in that face.

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  32. I love the little sketch! adorable!

  33. Your mom rocks!

    No, you do not look like Rob what kind of crack are they smoking at your work! Yeesh!

    Love the sketch your mom did, she's got some talent! You should go tuck it in Rob's car door handle just for giggles and shits...

  34. Aww, shucks! Mommy (not a)Jerkface is probably all blushes right now (I've temporarily reinstated her right to read the blog, though I know she sneaks peeks at it from time to time). Either that or she's wondering what she got herself into.

    I'm a stick figure drawing kind of gal myself so it's obvious I didn't inherit her talent in that department. LOL!

    And I agree with all of you - I do not look like RPattz. I don't know what kind of drugs those folks were on but... I want them. And then I'm going to go make out with myself...


  35. ur mom is awesome..just love her!!!
    Had to tell my neighbors sorry for laughing so loud!!!

  36. Honestly, were you a clone of the Pattz I would not hesitate adopting scary-stalker obsessive behaviour and map out your daily commute so that I could sit in the seat behind you and breathe heavily down your neck. I am going to respectfully disagree with your coworkers and recommend they stop sniffing the toner cartridges. Cuz that shit ain't right. Why would they try to ruin a perfectly fine go-to fantasy object by telling you that you could strap a coupla dirty pillows on him and you may as well call it self love? (dude, not that there's anything wrong with that, but narcissism gets a tad monotonous. I know. I adore myself)

    So in short, but not, you are an unintentional Rpattz lookalike fail. And you should glory in this. Cuz Velma was always kinda hot IMHO. For now, yourself, and your neck, are safe from my questionable behaviour on the train.

    Also, your mum is brilliant. And gets bonus points for her endorsement of shockingly slutty-short dresses on her daughter.

  37. @funnybecauseitstrue - You know how we always say you shouldn't drink beverages while reading posts and/or comments?

    Well, you should also NOT be on the phone with your superiors while reading comments because I actually started choking when I read yours. And I was on the phone... not a good idea.

    And narcissism never gets old... LOL!

  38. MNAJF (Mommy's new acronym) is simply the bestest--yay! The drawing is priceless and actually makes me a wee bit jealous--BTW--you look freakin' cute next to Shaggy/RPattz. MNAJF drew you a nice rack as well.

    So, I think you have hit on something here. If you looked like RPattz you said you would just stay in and make out with yourself--perhaps this is really what the real RPattz is doing? I mean come on how long has it been for him? The boy must be about to explode!

    You do not look like RPattz but maybe that thing is happening and you are starting to resemble the celebrity you love...hmmmm. No, definitely do not look like him but, hey, it gave you good blog material. Your co-workers are becoming your muses (is there a plural for muse? Well there is now.)

    BTW--Velma was my favorite even in childhood. You know her and Shaggy were gettin' busy behind the scenes.

  39. First off, WHOA THERE WITH YOUR 94K VISITORS!! I'm scared of you!!

    Secondly, I've slept on in and have decided that if you were to sport an RPatz "do" then you might, just a teensy bit look like you could be RPatz's 2nd cousin on his mom's side. Just sayin... ;^)

  40. First off that picture is hilarious. And you are WAY cuter than stupid ole Velma.

  41. Damn, JJ. Your drawing alter ego looks so much like me, only with shorter hair. I wonder if I should cut my hair now and show that picture to my friends and say that it's me with RPattz.

  42. I just wanted to let you know that you're a Finalist for the Blogluxe Awards at the Social Luxe Lounge. If you'll email me, I've got a new "finalist" button you can put up on your blog!

    Thanks and Congrats!

  43. It's official your mom is the coolest!

  44. Love. Your. Mom!!

    Wanna trade?

  45. How do you do it???? i mean you get your mom to google rob pattinson and make comparisons to you and if i mention the word twilight my mom rolls her eyes and rolls( shes in a wheel chair) out of the room and doesnt come back for a half hour minimum to ensure my twilight moment has passed ( as if i t could ever really pass!! i just throw it to the side for a lil while)

    the closest ill get to looking like a fem-rpatts is my fucken crazy ass hair that just sticks up where it wants

  46. OK..Mommy (not a jerkface) Rocks! But I am sorry-you do not look like RPatz...but that is a good thing. Damn if I looked like Rpats I would wear blisters on my hands and have a calluses on my coot! Self Love at its finest! ;o)

  47. If I send you a picture of me, can Mommy (not a) Jerkface draw me with RPattz too?? Pleeeeeaaaze!

    I think the sure way to test if you look like him... wear an old flannel shirt and walk down the street (preferably near where they're shooting.) If hooker-like, skank fans try to get you in a headlock, then you may look like RP. If not, I think you're good and your co-workers may be sniffing more than glue.

  48. The irony of this all is that poor MnaJF is the EXACT opposite of me. She's very reserved and quiet... but she still has a wicked sense of humor. I suspect that she's torn between being positively horrified by all this or living vicariously through us.

    And she probably thought I'd stop embarrassing the shit out of her when I was a teenager... ha!

    Oh, and she said all your comments were making her and my father laugh so hard they cried. :)

  49. Baaahh! Fricken hilarious. You, my dear, are adorable, but RPattz you're not. Mommy is a fab artist, srsly. And The Limelight...?!! Wow, blast from the past....and not a whole lot of memories to go along with it.......huh.

  50. @Yvonne - Shhh... don't talk too much about the Limelight. Mommy reads this. LOL!

    I still wonder why on earth I went to that place. I just remember very loud music, light sticks and naked people with powder on their noses...

  51. You most definately don't look like Rob!
    However, you do look a lot like my friend Hannah. It's uncanny, actually. (:


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