Friday, July 17, 2009

I Must Have a Full Sized Edward Cullen Cut-Out

It has been brought to my attention recently by one of our awesome readers, Kris, that I am missing something so vastly important that I am unable to understand how I could have lived without it for so long.

I'm not even going to touch upon the fact that my coworkers did a dismal job defiling my cube compared to hers but... forget the decorating. I want him.




Sure, sure, mini-Edward fills the gaping void in my soul a little. I mean, we have loads of fun together - going on outings, embarrassing loved ones, camping and hanging out at bars.

CAMPING!

Hangin' out in bars...

Hell, we even try to play pool together (it didn't work out well).

Although he was ready with his custom-made cue stick... I guess everyone knows vampires are apt to be pool-sharks...

But it's just... not the same. There is a missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle of my life.

And I finally found it.

It's the Edward Cullen full sized cutout.


I need that motherfucker like a Nymphomaniac needs a full time hooker. I HAVE to have it.

There is an endless list of ways I could amuse myself with that thing (down, girls! That's NOT what I meant. Well, now that I think about it...) while simultaneously embarrassing the holy crap out of friends and loved ones. It's the perfect combination - Edward Cullen, my amusement and everyone else's pure chagrin. Throw STY into the mix and it will be a Twilight trifecta of perfection. [rubs hands together evil-villain style]

[Note from STY: ML would be ok if you cut a whole in it down there and asked him to play a little make-believe game, right???]

Unfortunately, spending 40+ bucks makes my acquisition of full size [FS] Edward...difficult, if not impossible. I'm pretty sure that might be the final straw that gets me tossed into a mental facility for the rest of my life. I can only hope they give me a nice gravestone like Alice's family did if that happens.

The fact that I will probably never have FS Edward and will suffer with this gaping wound for the rest of my life has not stopped me from imagining what I would do if I DID have him.

Ideally, I'd like to order this so it arrives at my work for one reason and one reason only: I'd have to take that bad boy on the train to get him home. Even if it comes all folded up (I have no idea because I was too lazy to actually check the deets) I will unfold FS Edward and stand him up in the aisle with me. In a packed rush hour train. I'm not sure why but this just strikes me as a very good thing.

Just picture FS Edward sandwiched between two commuters...

Once home I'll strategically place him around the apartment so he scares the living fucking tits out of ML. This will probably be fun until it inevitably backfires on me. I know I will stumble out of the bedroom one night to pee and accidentally poop my shorts because I forgot FS Edward was standing in the hall. Once spontaneous poop has occurred, FS Edward will probably have to lurk in the Lair for a little while.

Well, at least until I invite people over, that is. I could totally prop him up in the shower!! Talk about entertainment! Someone will be sittin' on the throne doing their bidness and 'happen' to glance over at the shower (which is located about two inches from the WC)and BAM! FS Edward will be there, glowering down at them through the clear plastic curtain. Good times, good times...

My shower (the candle is for stinky asses)

Okay, try to picture FS Edward there. No? Can't do it? Hold on...

Where the FUCK is my scotch tape? I had to use packing tape for this!

Okay, just try to imagine it, dammit. It would be like that but a gazillion trillion times cooler.

[It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I should think about writing a Twilight version of 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People']

FS Edward could also act as a guardian for our Wandering Jew** plant that is on our porch. You see, some freaky-ass clown, for reasons unknown, likes to leave food in the planter - and not plant food, either. We're talking pizza (a whole slice, pepperoni) a bagel (with cream cheese, half eaten) and a chocolate bar (partially wrapped) and we have no clue who the culprit might be but we suspect it's a reproof for the pathetic state that said plant is in.


Ours looks EXACTLY like this - except really anemic and mostly dead

But with FS Edward looking all malicious and sexy-mean, maybe Mr. Foodfucker will think twice about approaching our porch. Granted, I'd have to be hiding in the house with a taser to make sure no one takes Edward but it just may be worth it.

And let's not leave STY out of the fun! Can you imagine how excited she would be to wake up one morning with FS Edward staring at her through a window? Propped up against the back door? In her car. (I may need to get DH's help on that one)

I just get shivers imaging the perplexed looks on people's faces when I walk downtown with FS Edward.

** True random story. We live in a community with a large Orthodox Jewish population. There is a Sephardic Temple across the street from our house. Last summer, I was pruning our Wandering Jew plant in a desperate attempt to revive it when the temple let out, meaning there were lots of people wandering around (excuse the pun) when I yelled to ML at the top of my lungs, "ML, I THINK WE KILLED THE JEW!!!"

And yeah, people looked. I'm an offensive jerk even when I'm not trying to be - I just can't help it. At least I'm consistent...

49 comments:

  1. I left this on Twitter, but I read the post and I am DYING!

    I have one, my bestie got me him for my birthday (best present I have ever received!)and I freaking LOVE him! He freaks my cat out, and sometimes I forget he's there. It's so awesome to walk in the living room and see Edward there,sexily glaring at me from the corner and practically murmuring, "I feel very...protective of you."

    I haven't really moved him around, although that would make for some awesome pranks. I'm planning on taking him when I finally make the trip to Forks someday soon. Posing with Mini E plus full size E will be BOMB in front of the Cullen house will be BOMB.

    I hope you get him soon, because I know the pictures and posts from y'all would be hilarious!

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  2. Oh shit you friggin crack me up!

    Double Dog Dare You to buy a FS cutout Edward. Forty bucks isn't all that much, just think of all the cool things you could do with him? Might have to reinforce the down there hole with duct tape or something but.........

    Are you sure that isn't a Marijuana plant! Mayb Mr. FoodFucker gets the munchies and just collapses until sunrise? haha Oh god maybe he pees in it? YUCK

    :D

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  3. I gigged THE ENTIRE time I was reading this. You're making me want an FS Edward... stop it! Omg, I want to put him outside people's windows!!! That would be SO AMAZING!! LOL... anyways, please get one and take pics so I can live vicariously through you. Hubby would have me committed if I did it.

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  4. The BF wants to know what the hell I have been cackling about...oh just more Twilight stuff! Anyhoo...thought about getting the FS Edward for Bitches, but after perusing the interwebs and seeing how much it would cost I decided she wasn't worth it.

    My brothers got a FS Elvis Presley and scare the crap out of Mommy FC all the time with it. It's even funnier because she hates Elvis...I know weird, but whatever!

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  5. Goodness, I fear I might have a collapsed lung from laughing! JJ, you are a brilliant woman, FS Edward propped up in the shower as a guest is sitting on the crapper. I ALMOST want to be a fly on the wall if this ever occurred, the look on one's face would be priceless!

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  6. I realize how evil this makes me sound but I would probably use FS Edward to TORTURE everyone. Neighborhood kids, fellow commuters, family, friends... the whole kit & kaboodle.

    I'm going to admit it - there is so much 'scare' possibilities with this thing it isn't funny. To everyone but me. >:)

    Though I know in the end it will all bite me in the ass... lol.

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  8. oh my god you made laugh so hard!!! specially the part of the edward in the shower xD too much!! seriously, that FS edward can be really scary, i wonder the chances for a robert pattinson FS...*drool*

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  9. the food in your plant is probably being left by squirrels, i shit you not! I have found food in the plants on my deck. ( english muffin w/ peanut butter, hamburger bun w/ ketchup) then after I threw them out saw a squirrel digging through the plant looking for said food. I felt terrible that i trashed his stash.

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  10. @jj this past week i was at the mall, i went to this store newbury comics, and they not only had 2 different FS edwards, but that had bella and james as well....... just think of the possibilities if all the vamps could be collected!!!!


    ...... urmmm scotch tape still missing? wasnt STY looking for that shit when u and ML were away???

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  11. @IPW4F - Whoa whoa whoa. Stop the bus. Edward AND Bella? And James?

    Oh man.

    @Anonymous - Huh. Squirrels, eh? Well shit, that actually makes a lot of sense! LOL!

    I'm just so paranoid of my fellow humans I figured it was some psychopath.

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  12. Easy solution, JJ: Simply take the money budgeted for the produce that you and ML let rot every week and get yourself some heavenly cardboard Edward. He'll either let you buy one or start eating his broccoli instead of playing wiffle ball with it.
    Too bad about the squirrel explanation. I better liked the visual of some Nick Nolte (mugshot version) skulking around your porch at night... Suz

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  13. @JJ~~ no, not edward and bella and james!!!! It was..... 2, count that, TWO!!!!! Yes, 2!!!! DIFFERENT EDWARDS!!! plus Bella and James!

    ~tried to convince ex-bf that i needed them, but he wouldnt buy them for me..... however bought me a fleece E&B blanket (WTF its 90 effin degrees out) .... so now i get to have a 3some every nite with Edward and Bella, lol

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  14. HOLY SHIT JJ!!!! i found the motherload!!!! i just googled twilight cardboard cut outs........


    just go to the link...... http://www.giftapolis.com/twilight.html

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  15. JJ, me and the Blue Moons I am drinking adore you and your Jew bush. Truly we do. While the thought of owning a FS Edward Cullen still freaks me the fuck out, I totally see your reasoning! How glorious it would be. Mr. Cutie would however find some way to destroy said FS Edward. He has done all sorts of crap to mini Mr. Cullen (the worse cut him in half). I can only imagine the shit he would do to a FS Edward... which is all the more reason to get one! I love comment epiphanies!

    Great post as always! :)

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  16. Holy sh!t, that is your commute bus? I would purchase the FS E and
    carry it with me on the bus simply in hope that people will back the hell away from me. Yikes.
    Seriously, I think I nearly had a panic attack just looking at all of those people!

    Funny, funny stuff, but the commute photo...shudder

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  17. Seriously they are only like 25 bucks at fye's!!! i will get one and mail it to you on a cod lol. i commented about my husband getting me one for v-day. he's still in the window at the store with a lanyard that says "TAKE ME HOME TODAY!" around his neck. Let me know i will seriously get it mailed to you. YOU NEEEEEED ONE!!!!

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  18. Oh my dear JJ, you crack me up!! I suggest we set up a donation for the FS Edward on the site, you and STY have so many Twitard readers that if we all donate $1 we can gaurantee purselfs hundreds more hilarious posts!!!

    I read most of your entries to The Mr. and he laughs as hard as I do. He would for sure commit me if I had a FS Edward tho.

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  19. i still wish it was "FS Edward next to volvo"...cause THAT is hot! def worth the $40 bucks.

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  20. I couldn't stop laughing!
    A FS Edward! Wow!
    You do need one. I can just imagine all the (evil) things you'll do with it...

    As for the scoth tape, ask STY where she left it :)
    @STY: you did give an "interesting" idea for JJ to use FS Edward... *grin*

    I don't think I could own a Full Size Edward (except if it was in living flesh, hihihi).
    For one, it would scare me to death. Second, I would get kicked out of the house; though my better half is understanding, a FS cardboard anyone would be just a little over the edge. Last, I'd probably loose friends and family (but I'd scare them first, and that just might be fun!). Though I'm not completely in the closet, I don't talk as freely about Twiligh as I'd like.

    I'll donate $1 for you Twitarded girls to get the FS cast (hey, we're 400, you can get them all!!! Nice, right?). Our you can do as Anon said: stop buying food to rot and buy FS-E to rock!
    And I agree with KG; FS Edward next to Volvo is Hot! They have to make it!

    I'll stop here. My twitardedness is getting the better of me!

    Kisses!

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  21. I's not "OUr you can do as Anon" but "Or you can do..."
    It's too early in the morning here!

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  22. I'M GETTING ONE!
    I don't care if my parents won't pay for it on their credit cards. They cost $45 from the British Amazon.
    I'm SO THERE.
    See? This is exazctly why my parents should give me a credit card. So much easier. :P

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  23. I think we Twitards need to set up a special JennysFundforTwilightToolsforTorture - I would totally donate just to see what kind of shenanigans you come up with!!

    BTW: "I need that motherfucker like a Nymphomaniac needs a full time hooker. I HAVE to have it." - this made me nearly poop my shorts!!

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  24. @ Latchke Wife. Here here - I agree. There is a serious need for a JennysFundforTwilightToolsofTorture.

    Won't someone PLEEAASE think of the children!!!

    I'll be the first to donate a buck or two.

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  25. OK First, wtf is a haxomate? A mate who hacks people up? (That's my verification word).

    Second this is a riot! I agree that Big-E and Mini-E would give you all endless hours of hijinx that you could post here for our entertainment! I will donate to the cause!

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  26. I want pictures of him on your commute. That would so rule.

    I feel like there should be a 12 step of Twi-Merch. Like, once your friends and family are used to things like tabloid magazine photos, you can move on to introducing posters. And then from posters to Pocket Edward. And from Pocket Edward to FS Edward. And from FS Edward to . . . . hmmmm . . . .what's bigger than a FS Edward?

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  27. OMG you guys are killing me with your comments. And thanks for all the offers to donate!

    First of all @anonymous - I had a dream last night and Nick Nolte was in it. Totally your fault, lol.

    I am definitely considering the FS Edward.

    @3 - That is often what the train ride home looks like. It is fucking terrifying. Frankly, if I did get a FS Edward, I might actually NOT bring him on the train. I suspect that Stephenie Meyer got it wrong - werewolves aren't the only things that can kill vampires. I'm pretty sure all those commuters would too.

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  28. You should look around which is what I do when I want something and really don't want to pay the price. Hell the Barbie versions of Edward and Bella are just insane so unless someone drops off a bag of money I'll just have to save up for the action figures. I'm sure you'd have all sorts of fun adventures with him.

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  29. Hey, if you both split it it's only $20 each and FS Edward can be communal Edward!

    LOVE the blog!!

    Diane

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  30. Hi! I've been reading your blog and have found myself laughing out loud with my family shooting me concerned looks. You guys are seriously funny!
    I always thought I was a closet Twitard, but it must be more obvious than I thought because my senior yearbook class bought me a FS Edward for Christmas. You can have loads of fun with him, but he can also scare the crap out of you when you least expect it. Have fun with him!
    Thanks for the laughs

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  31. I think I'm now officially "out of the closet" with hubby (after many weeks of deleting the browsing history because I would be humiliated if he knew that I was spending my computer time googling Rob Patts). For a couple of hours today I've been saying "honey you have to come read this one". I emailed him the link to Twilight Widower Anonymous. And I told him not to be surprised if he finds a copy of Sexy Stars of Twilight laying around. I feel much better!

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  32. I'm WAY in the Twilight closet and have been like a moth to the flame for your blog since I found it a couple weeks ago. I literally broke down the other day and ordered my own PE (How could a just over 40 year old justify such a purchase?!?!? Am I crazy?!?!?!)

    After this post, I am already planning the FS acquisition and PE hasn't even gotten here yet.

    I just have to say how much I love you guys. You SO get me.

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  33. JJ, if you need that like a nympho needs a full-time hooker, $30-40 is a small price for the community at large to pay. We would all benefit (how sick is that?) from your drooling and dry-humping, and the witty prose that would be the result.

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  34. This has nothing to do with this entry but...... I'm fricking dying here. I'm on a reading marathon tonight with The List (my first real fanfic read) and their website has crashed!!!! I'm in the middle of "the weekend" and I think I'm going to keel over if I have to wait until tomorrow to read the rest.

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  35. I nearly hyperventilated on "ML, I Think we killed the Jew!!!"
    I can just picture it, all these people getting whiplash from snapping their heads around to look at you. Priceless!

    I would definitely contribute to your FS Edward fund!

    When I was in Forks for the Twilight DVD release party, the store "dazzled by twilight" (nirvana for all things twilight!)had all the cut outs on display(Edward, Bella, Victoria, James, & Laurent).
    The good people of forks must have bought the FS Edward's in bulk, cause they were everywhere! I don't know how many times I walked into one or was startled by one. The cullen house has one in one of the windows, there are two on the twilight tour bus. One sitting shotgun opposite the driver and one all bent up in the first tour bus seat. You can imagine how many times the FS Edward in the tour bus has been molested by countless twihards. He was looking a little worse for wear.

    But he would provide for hours of fun would he not... I think you should get one!

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  36. Ya know to see and read about all the shit you guys would get up to with a FS Edward id give you money to put in a FS Edward fund lol

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  37. please get him. I would love to see pics of the hi-jinks he and pocket edward could conjure as a team!
    :)

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  38. @ onoimatwitard2 ~ congrats for outting youself, welcome to the twi-commmunity, lol. ooo and i know how you feel about 'the list' trust me, it just feeps getting fucke better after "the weekend"

    ........ with the 5 cut outs we could have like mini fucken battles and shit!

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  39. @JJ I'm laughing my effing head off, "Can you imagine how excited she would be to wake up one morning with FS Edward staring at her through a window?"

    When you get FS Edward, please just carry him around crowded areas and weird people out by speaking as FS Edward, "Haylow. Excuse me, please don't crush me."

    Or you could always do a poor man's FSE. All you need to do is head to Kinko's and scrap some dumpster cardboard. Maybe then you can actually print a more flattering full length Edward that isn't so pale and doesn't have hair more reminiscent of Ron Weasley (am I the only one that sees that?)

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  40. Funny you mention the life size cut out. I was looking at my local paper this morning and what do I see in the classified section. A six foot Edward Cullen cutout for sale. Best Offer!

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  41. You got 10 smackers from me and post us a pic when you get him so we can drool too!!
    aka teresa24153@verizon.net

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  42. OMG, I'm catching up on your more recent posts and this baby was just a gift!!! After a very busy day, filled with more coffee than laughter, I nearly peed myself. The FSE on the train? The poop in pants in the middle of the night? The plant?!?! I just love you girls from the bottom of my wasted heart!!!

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  43. I haven't been here before but will return! You are great! My Fiance thinks I'm a freak because of my RP obsession and he's getting me the cutout for my birthday!!!!!

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  44. Dear sweet God. I *must* have one of these. I have PocketEdward, but I NEED Full-Size Edward as my pool boy. We bought a foreclosed house--with an in-ground pool--in the Florida Keys and are *finally* getting the pool repaired. My facebook friends and I have been fantasizing about FullSizePoolBoyEdward, and now that the pool will transform from a swamp to an actual pool, I *will* have FullSizeEdward.

    Oh yes, I will.

    I <3 you.

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  45. I haven't been here before but will return! You are great! My Fiance thinks I'm a freak because of my RP obsession and he's getting me the cutout for my birthday!!!!!

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  46. please get him. I would love to see pics of the hi-jinks he and pocket edward could conjure as a team!
    :)

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  47. OMG, I'm catching up on your more recent posts and this baby was just a gift!!! After a very busy day, filled with more coffee than laughter, I nearly peed myself. The FSE on the train? The poop in pants in the middle of the night? The plant?!?! I just love you girls from the bottom of my wasted heart!!!

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  48. You should look around which is what I do when I want something and really don't want to pay the price. Hell the Barbie versions of Edward and Bella are just insane so unless someone drops off a bag of money I'll just have to save up for the action figures. I'm sure you'd have all sorts of fun adventures with him.

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  49. Hello,






    p { margin-bottom: 0.08in; }

    Hollywood memorabilia lines all the
    walls of the restaurant Planet Hollywood. Bongos Cafe presents diners
    with some delicious Cuban cuisine. There are many other shops,
    including a huge selection of magnets at Magnetron Magnetz, tricks
    and gags available at Magic Masters, all sorts of sweets at Candy
    Cauldron, and authentic American collectibles and memorabilia at
    Starabilias.

    lifesize cutouts

     

    ReplyDelete

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