Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm Going Through Twilight Withdrawal!!!

Fuck me. I hate when real life interferes with Twi-life but right now my real life is a gigantic bug up my ass and it's making it hard for me to sit still in my ergonomically-correct office chair.

Adding insult to injury, the piles of paper at my desk are making it difficult for me to bang my head against it (it's kind of the cubicle equivalent of a padded room, really), and I'm starting to rethink my 'no getting fucking sloshed at work' policy.

And yes, that is a Twilight related ransom note from one of my coworkers. Who said finance peeps weren't funny?

Here's a close-up of that silly note, threatening to send this picture of me[-ish] and Edward to ML. Everyone's a freaking trickster... And has too much time on their hands... Hey--need some work to do? I can help!

The nerdy broad with glasses is supposed to be me, just for the record... Hey - Edward digs the average chicks...

Every single mother effing email that plops itself into my inbox has a "!" noting it is as "Urgent!" and is along the lines of 'Dear Jenny Jerkface, please forward your last shred of dignity to my attention immediately.' Or 'Attached above please find your ass on a platter.' Or one of my favorites: 'This scathing email in which I shred your sense of self-worth to sawdust is just a friendly reminder that you really should have graduated college, you silly little twat.' You know, the typical office emails.

{{{Sigh}}} I know I really shouldn't complain because compared to other office horror stories, my job is A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Plus, I work in New York City and even got to stalk RPattz on my [very extended] lunch break once! Okay, okay, twice. So, yes, I know I shouldn't complain. Shouldn't... But fuck that shit: it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.

Anyhoo, as I find myself debating the pros and cons of getting hit by a cab just so I can go somewhere, anywhere other than the office, I realize that I am desperately missing something.


Holy shit, I need a Twilight fix, stat. I pull up my desktop and stare at Robward's glowering face for a moment and the feeling fades from an overwhelming cacophony to a dull roar...

JJ, why do you forsake me for your thankless job?

But it's not good enough. I want more. I will have more!

He's looking at meeeee! He totally wants to slip his vampy tongue into my... er, back to work!

And yet, I still. need. more. In true [Twi]addict fashion, "more" is never enough. Dear god, what the fuck is happening to me? I can't go fifteen minutes without thinking about Twilight in some way, shape or form (and by form I mean, Robward but I'll settle for Jacksper).

I heard someone needs a Twilight fix? Perhaps I could be of service?

This is what Twilight has done to me. I am officially the online version of a crackhead. I was typing this at warp speed (on my lunch break, should someone I work with ever stumble across this site) because I just can't stand being away from Twitarded, you people, or Twilight in general for more than five minutes. And even that's a stretch some days.

But it doesn't end at work. I finally got home and dragged my sorry ass in front of the TV to do my Billy Blanks exercise video. I HATE that man. He kicks my ass EVERY single time. Isn't this shit supposed to get easier? And why can't I EVER balance on one leg? Is it even possible to twist your body and kick like that without falling over? I mean, I haven't even start drinking yet and I can barely stand! The entire time I was flailing around, cursing, sweating, and possibly weeping in my living room, there was this tiny part of my brain that kept whispering, 'fuck this shit. Beer bellies are sexy. Get in that computer room and check your email!! I bet you don't even know what RPattz was wearing today.'

And I didn't.

Then again, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, one of my main motivating factors of getting into shape is... in case one day I run into Rob Pattinson in the city.

That settles it: Billy Blanks/punishing exercise first (hey - you never know who you might be naked in front of someday...), then an extended session with Edward & Co. in "the lair" (does hanging posters count as exercise???).

[Note from Snarkier Than You: JJ is away this weekend - I miss her, too!! - and with her blessings, I am having my way with her 99% complete blog post drafts in her absence (mostly because I threatened her and told her she couldn't leave the state for three days without doing something). From what I understand (i.e. her frantic text messages), she's apparently staying at a smaller, more claustrophobic New England version of "The Overlook" hotel from The Shining and Jack Nicholson has run off with her WiFi/internets, but she'll try to chime in when he's distracted by evil twins, snowmobiles, or a stiff drink at the bar.]


  1. Wow, Billy Blanks...note: don't ever do his videos in a dorm room with your might punch her out accidentally.

  2. Hey here's a twilight fix for you.

    My twi-dar went off when I was looking for the new Us magazine and after scanning the racks found something called: Film Fantasy countdown to new moon. It's got some great pictures in it, although I found a few inaccuracies. Like they claimed that Portland was one of the locations for New Moon and spelled Esme's name wrong, and claimed that Ashley was in one of the pictures when it was clearly Nikki. But that's just my picky technical nature, it's still very entertaining.
    Oh I got your package yesterday! Thank you! I wore it with pride today!!!

  3. yay! i have mine affixed to the outside of my bag - nobody has noticed it yet (or if they have, they haven't said anything - lol)!

  4. you two freakin crack me the hell up....!

  5. I think all our mates might just give us the boot due to this addiction and we will have to start a Twitarded commune. We could fundraise $20,000 at a time and pay for Twilight celebrities to come party at our commune for a night. Allright that was the liquor talking. But seriously, I am beginning to feel the same as JJ...I am unconditionally and irrevocably Twitarded.

    Love The Shining reference--one of my all time favorite movies. "Danny, come play with us forever, and ever, and ever."

  6. Oh JJ, I totally feel you. i have twilight on the brain 24/7. i took a picture of Edward eating a cream cheese pastry at work today...just cause i hadnt played with him in a while. how sad is that? poor neglected plastic vampire. =(

    ps...i have sooo many unfinished blogs sitting in draft limbo its not even funny.

  7. Dear JJ,

    While you are away you shall be missed! I pray for your safety in the Shinning Hotel. That does not sound safe...

    Um... I am slightly beerafied at this moment in time, so I will leave this comment with:

    I love STY & JJ! The End and Always. :)

  8. good morning, Twitards...

    @JJ -- LOL @ "Attached above please find your ass on a platter." Sorry you've got work hell, but you've found a way to turn it into... lemonade. (15 Step! Yowza!)

    Maybe Billy Burke can do a workout DVD instead, so you can get some Twitardedness in with your crunches.

    Hopefully STY will survive the Shining weekend, and have some funny pics of Mini E when she returns...

  9. Totally feel your pain. Even now... I've waited for the DH to go outside and play on his excavator so I could read Twitarded in peace! At work, between projects (of course) I always have to do a scan to see if there's anything new... gawd, WHAT is happening to me? Ugh, can't wait for November 20!

    PS - Does everyone know that Rob will be on Ellen Wed, 7/15??

  10. PSS - I'm a douchebag - the RPattz on Ellen is a fucking repeat. Oh well, who cares, I'll still watch it. Sorry, forgot it was summer! (Which is easy to do since it's been raining so much here!)

  11. Here's a little story to cheer you up/make you laugh at someone else... my husband knows I read fanfic. my husband does NOT know the r rated content of the fanfic I read, nor will I ever tell him. (truth be told? we are extremely conservative christians, I'm talking leaders of the church and all that... he would not approve of the lemons). So last night, we're laying in bed. He's watching a movie and I'm rereading Wide Awake (sigh... if she doesn't finish it soon my head is gonna explode!) I'm at the valentines day scene (you know- THAT one) when I hear him YELL "oh my God you're reading PORN!" i froze.
    "No I'm not..."
    "Yes you are!! That is Porn!"
    I seriously about died. I tried to quickly formulate an excuse, but seeing that he must have read over my shoulder about Bella's first oral sex experience, what can I really say??? I'm totally busted!

  12. i am new to your site and totally addicted. i am a 38 year old woman with 2 teenage daughters who think i am a lunatic! i have used your site as a reference many times, explaining to them that i am not the only lunatic out there. before i found you, i thought i was losing my mind...couldn't go a day w/o looking at pics of RPatz online, reading all the books at least 6 times. you have saved my sanity, thank you. And now i have discovered TwiPorn!!! OMG all i can say is thank you thank you thank you!!!

  13. Oh man, I HATE Billy Blanks too!! Every time he says "now double time!" I want to punch his face. However, I find it pretty entertaining to try the video with your S/O because guys who aren't very flexible doing that shit is just funny. :)

  14. I am currently eating my continental breakfast (with ML glaring at me disapprovingly) because this is the only place that apparently has wi-fi.

    All vacation and no wi-fi makes Jenny a dull girl...

  15. You can go 5 minutes without a Twilight fix? Lucky, lucky . . . .it is just stunning me how fast and how hard I have gotten addicted.

    You'll be able to give up Billy Blanks soon . . . I am putting together a Twilight workout series. Essentially, how to get in shape using the Twilight merch you own + Rpattz pictures from the internet.

    Loved the office emails! Priceless, really. The real world blows like that for me too right now. So much work to deal with .. . which is why I am getting my Twilight fix on, even though I have a fan fic hangover and way to much to do. At JJ--have a great weekend!

  16. You complete bloody nutter! haha

    Enjoy your weekend away with ML..Go vampire hunting with PE.

    I feel your friggin pain as I cannot go without my Twi fix for more than an hour. I count down the bloody minutes typing away at work like a mad woman, it's ridiculous really but then I come here and you make me feel normal!!

    Yes, us Twitards are somewhat normal for the most part.

    Good luck with the give-yourself-a-heartattack exercise video. I tried that Pilates one. I didn't know my body could twist into all those positions! Shit fucking Houdini had nothing on me! But shit sake, I couldn't move the next day, even my fingers hurt. Just copping a squat was agony. haha So I promised myself not to do that to my poor body again and resigned myself to the fact that it is what it is.. So I go and fix myself another Edwardtini and smile.

    Have fun at the Norman Bates Motel - "NORMAN".. Argh, that movie shits the life out of me! :D

  17. Could you tell that "shit" was my word of the day?!? Holy cock! sorry.

  18. To "TheMrs"--What happened after that?!? What did you're husband say after that--'cause you can't deny it after he read it!! (Can you?)

  19. i said to him (in the most indignant tone i could muster)
    "i do NOT have to justify my reading choices to you. and it is NOT porn." (as i'm slamming the laptop shut)
    his reply?
    "you're blushing, i've never seen you blush before"
    thankfully, at that moment something happened in the movie he was watching that distracted him and that was the end of it. needless to say, i stopped reading at that point and watched the stupid movie. i keep waiting for him to bring it up.

  20. I love when Billy is all like "double time!" ........I usually stop for a water break and/or candy bar when he gets all "double time" on me.

  21. To "TheMrs"--My husband and I agreed to the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with that twi-porn, err, romance smut. (We're in the same "conservative" boat.)

    It does make our romance life, eh . . ., better. Once, after reading my first entire fanfic in one late-night sitting, the next morning my husband asked what I was reading that was "so important."

    I told him, "I know you really wanna know, but trust me, you really don't wanna know."

    Then I gave him my best Rome-Rob growl-sexy stare. He's not said a word since.

  22. Anon- you made me laugh out loud! maybe if my husband realizes all the uh, fringe benefits, he's getting due to fanfic he'll leave me alone. it truly is to his advantage. anything that can have that effect on a mom of five is priceless.

  23. I finally found someone to talk to about Twilight - I turned her on to the books (another over 40 chick) but she's not hear as 'tarded as me. I found myself admitting to all of the side effects, like Robsession, surfing constantly and staying up 3 nights in a row reading Wide Awake when I should have been sleeping/working/raising my child, etc.
    She made a joke about leaking my secret to my mom and friend who have NO idea about the extent of my er-problem. So last night I bought her silence with a bottle of Vampire Chardonnay - she was thrilled, laughed her ass off and hesitantly asked if I could email her my copy of Wide Awake.

    Hey, if I can't get a Twilight fix as often as I'd like, bringing someone to the dark side with me is second best!

    Enjoy your trip, JJ! I actually live right near the real Shining hotel in Colorado and it's really cool and haunted, but not isolated like the movie & book, so not as scary. - Suz

  24. Gawd! I can't stop laughing! I'm a new 'tard and can't get enough of this blog. Makes me feel more normal about my own Twi-addiction. Thanks for enlightening me about fanfic! (And my hubby also thanks you!;)

  25. Yeah, I am definitely feeling everyone's Twilight withdrawl pain right now. Thank God for fanfic!! My family has no idea what the exact content is either, just that I surreptitiously read it until all hours of the night and growl at anyone who tries to look over my shoulder.

  26. Holy SHIT, this post is so effing sums up my work-life to a T! I don't know what I would do without you 2!!

  27. Hey here's a twilight fix for you.

    My twi-dar went off when I was looking for the new Us magazine and after scanning the racks found something called: Film Fantasy countdown to new moon. It's got some great pictures in it, although I found a few inaccuracies. Like they claimed that Portland was one of the locations for New Moon and spelled Esme's name wrong, and claimed that Ashley was in one of the pictures when it was clearly Nikki. But that's just my picky technical nature, it's still very entertaining.
    Oh I got your package yesterday! Thank you! I wore it with pride today!!!

  28. yay! i have mine affixed to the outside of my bag - nobody has noticed it yet (or if they have, they haven't said anything - lol)!


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