Or was that the only way to kill a vampire? Shit, don't remember...
Ah fuck it, let's do it anyway!
Okay, okay, I'm just kidding.
If there is one thing I love more than Twilight it's
We all know there are plenty of peeps out there who think that Twilight is a brain-cell-murdering, paper-wasting piece of garbage. More so, these folks think that we, ahem, 'older' ladies who are reading this trite are lame-brained pathetic bitties who really, really need to get a life.
Scott Wampler, from the Examiner, is one of them. He's recently done what Snarkier Than You refers to as 'Poking the Bear' by writing a negative article in an attempt to skewer 'Twi-hards." I should point out that by his own admission, he is a comedian by trade, did little-to-no research on his subject matter, and has no clue what he's talking about, so we probably should go easy on him.
Or not. Hmmm, did I have a good day or a bad day...?
Naturally, I'm sure the response isn't going to be pretty but I suspect that's what "The Wamp" expects [it's ok if we call you that, right? I mean, we're all friends here?]. After all, who takes kindly to someone labeling them stupid pathetic lame-Os? I'll take a gander and say...nobody. However, any comment anyone leaves for him will just be twisted around and used as fodder for his somewhat-unclear point (which I think morphed from "Twi-Hards are ridiculous" to "Twi-Hards don't have a sense of humor"). Cuz' you know, some folks can dish it but they can't quite take it.
Anyway, because I love looking for stuff that will get my panties in a self-righteous indignant knot I meandered my inferior, dim-witted, Twilight-obsessed ass over to his page and took a look.
I admit it - I always get excited when I come across a Twi-hater. I keep hoping one will visit our blog and tell me what a stupid twatwaffle I am, but that day has not yet arrived and STY will not let me 'poke the bear' [Mr. Wampler you really need to get a STY on your side. Seriously, think about it]. I was hoping for something funny and exciting.
Pthhhp. Same shit, different day.
Now, Twilight Moonlighter has already posted her rebuttal at the Examiner, but I feel compelled to throw my two cents in because I'm jerky like that.
[What was that tug I just felt? Oh right, STY aka "Jenny Jerkface's fucking conscience" is telling me to play nice or get out of the sandbox. Fine, fine.]
I'm not going to address any of comments regarding teenagers because 1)I'm not one 2)I don't have one 3)I don't plan on having anything that might grow up into one and 4) I'm selfish, egotistical and only focus on shit that pertains to me. My blog, my rules, 'member?
To be fair, The Wamp makes some valid points. No one here is claiming that the Twilight series should be taught in high school Lit classes and, honestly, we'd probably make fun of someone if they did. Just because we read and enjoy Twilight doesn't mean the fact that it isn't exactly Pulitzer prize winning writing is lost on us. Us non-tweeners--we get that.
And if you're an adult and you're into this nonsense, we're looking at a bigger
problem. Take, for instance, THIS site. If you're still here, lemme tell you what that link does. It transports you to a genuinely creepy place called "Twilight Moms". A place for moms who love "Twilight" just as much as their teenage daughters. One can't help but imagine this is some sort of desperate attempt at bonding by a group of middle-aged women who have lost the ability to communicate with the surly, moody, ever-fickle being they call a "teenage daughter". And if it's not, then the alternative is even more
depressing: you're an adult who reads a series of vampire romance books marketed to teenage girls, written at their 9th grade reading level. Wow. For the woman who finds all those bodice-ripping romance novels too "Porn-y", there's always "Twilight".
You know, there are so many things I could totally take Mr. Wampler to task for, but this is Twitarded and we don't do that. We just make fun of them instead. I mean, really folks, it's a fucking book. [Blasphemy, I know!]
I'm terribly sorry (not really) that you feel my life is depressing because I am a 31-year-old woman, with no children, and I'm reading--and enjoying--a romance series geared towards teens. The fact of the matter is that you couldn't be more wrong: my life is pretty frigging good. So, what's a gal like me doing reading this silly fictional romance novel?
Two words: Brain Porn.
Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse. Pathetic? Possibly. Harmless? Absolutely. Fun? Ummm, oh hell yes, it is!! Everyone needs a little fun in their life, and while my life wasn't exactly lacking fun pre-Twilight, it definitely upped the merriment factor in mine (I'd tell you about the other things I find fun but then I'd have to kill you).
For a few minutes (or hours) a day, us old bitches and battle-axes sit down and stop being moms, executives, lawyers, wives, girlfriends and dominatrixes and become... Twitarded. We drool over pictures of Rob Pattinson's jawline and sheepishly chuckle when we admit that we find a man a few (or many) years younger than us handsome. We discuss the criticisms and controversies of the book and banter back and forth about how our lives are different since we've found Twilight. And we choke with laughter, hork coffee from our nasal passages and nearly pee ourselves while we do it.
We here at Twitarded know how silly we are for reading Twilight. We are fully and happily aware of what non-Twitards think of us.
And we don't care.
It's not just about the books, you see. It's about what the books have done to us (and for a full list of that, check this out) and for us. It's not a desperate attempt at bonding, as you tried to conveniently label it. It IS bonding (and just for the record, we weren't desperately attempting to make it so). It's brought us closer together with family members, friends, lovers, and even total strangers. In the process of reading these books, many of us have rekindled or discovered some part of ourselves that we were hardly even aware was missing in the first place. Twilight has made us stop in our tracks, even if only for a few seconds, and take a much-needed and well-deserved break from everyday life. But, and pay attention because this is the most important thing of all, Twilight has made us laugh our tits off.
Now, before you think Twitarded is some namby-pamby, mushy Twi bullshit, you've got us pegged all wrong. I'm about as sentimental as a hooker is chaste. We make fun of Twilight nearly as often as we say we love it. But we pick because we love. Life is too short not to poke fun at things, ya' know?
You might think the last laugh is yours. But it isn't.