Thursday, July 23, 2009

Joe Blow Hates Twilight Fans and I Don't Care

Oh no! My Ming Reading senses are tingling... quick, Twitards! To the Cullen House! There is a Twi-Hater nearby... We must seek him out, rip him limb from limb and burn the pieces - that's the only way to kill him.

Or was that the only way to kill a vampire? Shit, don't remember...

Ah fuck it, let's do it anyway!

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding.

If there is one thing I love more than Twilight it's staring at Robward's uber zexiness online gettin' into a good, clean debate. Or a dirty fight. Same difference, right?

We all know there are plenty of peeps out there who think that Twilight is a brain-cell-murdering, paper-wasting piece of garbage. More so, these folks think that we, ahem, 'older' ladies who are reading this trite are lame-brained pathetic bitties who really, really need to get a life.

Scott Wampler, from the Examiner, is one of them. He's recently done what Snarkier Than You refers to as 'Poking the Bear' by writing a negative article in an attempt to skewer 'Twi-hards." I should point out that by his own admission, he is a comedian by trade, did little-to-no research on his subject matter, and has no clue what he's talking about, so we probably should go easy on him.

Or not. Hmmm, did I have a good day or a bad day...?

Yup. Bad day.

Naturally, I'm sure the response isn't going to be pretty but I suspect that's what "The Wamp" expects [it's ok if we call you that, right? I mean, we're all friends here?]. After all, who takes kindly to someone labeling them stupid pathetic lame-Os? I'll take a gander and say...nobody. However, any comment anyone leaves for him will just be twisted around and used as fodder for his somewhat-unclear point (which I think morphed from "Twi-Hards are ridiculous" to "Twi-Hards don't have a sense of humor"). Cuz' you know, some folks can dish it but they can't quite take it.

Anyway, because I love looking for stuff that will get my panties in a self-righteous indignant knot I meandered my inferior, dim-witted, Twilight-obsessed ass over to his page and took a look.

I admit it - I always get excited when I come across a Twi-hater. I keep hoping one will visit our blog and tell me what a stupid twatwaffle I am, but that day has not yet arrived and STY will not let me 'poke the bear' [Mr. Wampler you really need to get a STY on your side. Seriously, think about it]. I was hoping for something funny and exciting.

Pthhhp. Same shit, different day.

Now, Twilight Moonlighter has already posted her rebuttal at the Examiner, but I feel compelled to throw my two cents in because I'm jerky like that.

[What was that tug I just felt? Oh right, STY aka "Jenny Jerkface's fucking conscience" is telling me to play nice or get out of the sandbox. Fine, fine.]

I'm not going to address any of comments regarding teenagers because 1)I'm not one 2)I don't have one 3)I don't plan on having anything that might grow up into one and 4) I'm selfish, egotistical and only focus on shit that pertains to me. My blog, my rules, 'member?

To be fair, The Wamp makes some valid points. No one here is claiming that the Twilight series should be taught in high school Lit classes and, honestly, we'd probably make fun of someone if they did. Just because we read and enjoy Twilight doesn't mean the fact that it isn't exactly Pulitzer prize winning writing is lost on us. Us non-tweeners--we get that.

And if you're an adult and you're into this nonsense, we're looking at a bigger
problem. Take, for instance, THIS site. If you're still here, lemme tell you what that link does. It transports you to a genuinely creepy place called "Twilight Moms". A place for moms who love "Twilight" just as much as their teenage daughters. One can't help but imagine this is some sort of desperate attempt at bonding by a group of middle-aged women who have lost the ability to communicate with the surly, moody, ever-fickle being they call a "teenage daughter". And if it's not, then the alternative is even more
depressing: you're an adult who reads a series of vampire romance books marketed to teenage girls, written at their 9th grade reading level. Wow. For the woman who finds all those bodice-ripping romance novels too "Porn-y", there's always "Twilight".

You know, there are so many things I could totally take Mr. Wampler to task for, but this is Twitarded and we don't do that. We just make fun of them instead. I mean, really folks, it's a fucking book. [Blasphemy, I know!]

I'm terribly sorry (not really) that you feel my life is depressing because I am a 31-year-old woman, with no children, and I'm reading--and enjoying--a romance series geared towards teens. The fact of the matter is that you couldn't be more wrong: my life is pretty frigging good. So, what's a gal like me doing reading this silly fictional romance novel?

Two words: Brain Porn.

Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse. Pathetic? Possibly. Harmless? Absolutely. Fun? Ummm, oh hell yes, it is!! Everyone needs a little fun in their life, and while my life wasn't exactly lacking fun pre-Twilight, it definitely upped the merriment factor in mine (I'd tell you about the other things I find fun but then I'd have to kill you).

For a few minutes (or hours) a day, us old bitches and battle-axes sit down and stop being moms, executives, lawyers, wives, girlfriends and dominatrixes and become... Twitarded. We drool over pictures of Rob Pattinson's jawline and sheepishly chuckle when we admit that we find a man a few (or many) years younger than us handsome. We discuss the criticisms and controversies of the book and banter back and forth about how our lives are different since we've found Twilight. And we choke with laughter, hork coffee from our nasal passages and nearly pee ourselves while we do it.

We here at Twitarded know how silly we are for reading Twilight. We are fully and happily aware of what non-Twitards think of us.

And we don't care.

It's not just about the books, you see. It's about what the books have done to us (and for a full list of that, check this out) and for us. It's not a desperate attempt at bonding, as you tried to conveniently label it. It IS bonding (and just for the record, we weren't desperately attempting to make it so). It's brought us closer together with family members, friends, lovers, and even total strangers. In the process of reading these books, many of us have rekindled or discovered some part of ourselves that we were hardly even aware was missing in the first place. Twilight has made us stop in our tracks, even if only for a few seconds, and take a much-needed and well-deserved break from everyday life. But, and pay attention because this is the most important thing of all, Twilight has made us laugh our tits off.

Now, before you think Twitarded is some namby-pamby, mushy Twi bullshit, you've got us pegged all wrong. I'm about as sentimental as a hooker is chaste. We make fun of Twilight nearly as often as we say we love it. But we pick because we love. Life is too short not to poke fun at things, ya' know?

You might think the last laugh is yours. But it isn't.

It's ours.


  1. Jesus, this is just typical JJ awesomeness on the blog today. You guys continue to make me laugh every day...seriously, every fucking day! And just when I thought my Twi-mania was getting to epic proportions (seriously, I was thinking I was needing a lobotomy, like into a hot 23 year old body) you reminded me how fun this is.

  2. *sigh*

    Well... I commend you for taking up the torch and calling the douche out. And as someone who has "poked the bear" I can completely agree with the statement that they will use any comments we make against us. Not only that, but they will refuse to listen and will treat a person with absolutely no respect. We aren't "real" people to these twi-haters. We are merely a way to become popular, merely stupid, over-sexed women who are completely lacking brains. Truly, they are the ones to be pitied and ignored.

    You never know JJ, this post might earn you his lofty attention. But I will warn you, it will only call attention to the fact that such pig douches and their fuckery exists. Something I am still trying to erases from my twi-warped brain.

    Randomly, my verify word is ablog. Which makes me freaking giggle because I am on a blog. *wink*

  3. OMGAWD!!!!! JJ, I know I love you. I couldn't have said it any better. I have never in my life met such a funny, witty group of bitches before I stumbled into the Twilight world....and I'm lovin' it.

    The asshats that think we're lame can suck it.

  4. And I love you more with each post. I honestly think the Twitards are repellant to both the haters and the tweens but, fuck 'em if they can't laugh at themselves.

    Incidentally, my verify word is cotroutm which my mind is desperately trying to morph into a curse word.

  5. Wow! As I was reading this I was imagining myself standing in the background with the rest of the Twitarded posse and as your debate continues I am walking closer and closer to you drawn to you by the truth of your words and the loyalty I feel to my fellow Twitards. Soon I am not behind you but with you by your side and I am feeling righteous and proud and a little pissed off that you are having to make this argument. But I stand with you proudly (though anonymously) and pull my shoulders back (Busts out ladies!)and ready myself for a Twitarded Show of Force!

    Well said JJ, Well said.

  6. "Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse"

    AHAH best call ever. im peeing my pants

  7. @VitaminR - I'm supposed to be spending time with ML before he leaves but your comment made me spew. You've been reading FAR too much Twilight.

    oh, fuck me. That's the whole point, isn't it? LOL!

    I had a total Volturri v. vamps moment reading that.

  8. Preach it girlfriend! And if that dork was a tenth as funny as you ladies are, he wouldn't have to waste his time hating on Twilight to get noticed. You and STY ROCK THE HOUSE!!!!

  9. I can't even be bothered to work up a rant. That's the beauty of finding Twitarded and fully outing myself to family and friends. I just don't give a shit anymore what anyone else thinks about it.

    Yes, I loved the books. Yes, I thing Robward is sex on legs. But, the funnest part of it all has been finding a community of crazy ass women who are wickedly funny and profane. You cannot believe how freeing it is.

    I'm re-discovering who I am again. I'm realizing how exhausting it's been to try to squeeze myself into the mold of mom/wife/housekeeper (I have no clue why I was trying to do that to begin with, but I was). I had completely stopped being true to myself. For Fucks sake, I wouldn't buy shirts that didn't cover my tattoos because I was worried about what the other moms at my kids nice conservative christian school would think.

    I can't explain it, and it just doesn't really matter why, but something happened when I read those books and let myself go nuts and quit caring what anyone else thought. I started coming back to life.

    I've laughed more in the last couple of months than I've probably laughed in the last couple of years. Clearly, I was taking myself a little to damn seriously!!! If Twilight was what it took for me to start this journey of finding myself again then all hail Twilight and Twitards everywhere.

    (oops, apparently I did have a bit of a rant in me)

  10. Very well articulated, JJ! I don't think anyone else could have said it better. I am so glad we Twitards have you to represent. I'm not one for confrontation, and I like to think I'm someone who doesn't really care what others have to say about my choices... live and let live, blah blah blah. But somehow, I do hope Wamp does decide to find his way to this entry, if for nothing more than to realize he should just shut the hell up when it comes to things he has no right to talk about in the first place.

    Last laugh indeed: what is he doing lurking around sites for Twilight moms anyway? Would that be the "research" for his objective findings? Obviously he's not of the female persuasion, even if he has teenage girls of his own, but why even go there? Who is he (or any other person, hater or not) to say how one ought to bond with their kids? Or for that matter, who has any right to conclude what interests would be acceptable in order to bond with each other? What gives him the air of authority to pass judgment on what we like or don't like... the fact that he's a man who writes for a newspaper? And then to write an article about it like he knows what the hell HE'S talking about, as it pertains to women?! How Twilighters over 30+ aren't smart, but because he thinks he's figured them out, he must be intelligent? Honest to God, what else does this "man" do with his time?

    Looks to me like he's a lot more influenced with Twilight and cougar women than he'd like to let on. You know what, I've just had an epiphany: Mr. Wamp, don't hate because you're so far into the closet you're cohorting with Tumnus when really, you'd like to come out and play with the big girls. Who's laughing now, biotch?!

  11. Well, Mr. Shithead just doesn't get it! He thinks he's being funny and witty when we know he's just a shithead! So, glad I'm NOT a 'Twilight Mom'!
    To a person who can't do a lot of things physically this website is salvation. I come and read funny and well thought commentary. It makes me laugh and that means so much to me, 'nuff said!

  12. Hey, Jenny, just wanted to check in. My name's Scott Wampler, and I'm the standup comic that posted the article "It's OK to Hate: 'Twilight' Fanatics" as part of my "It's OK to Hate" series (previous entry: "People who talk on their cell phones during movies").

    As you can imagine, I've been sifting through poorly worded hatemail and meandering diatribes against,er, my diatribe all day, and just when I was about to call it an evening, I noticed your comment. You read Kim's rebuttal to my article-- I see you noted it in your post-- and you probably noticed that I bothered to send her a response, too.

    The reason I'm writing you is precisely the same as the reason I decided to respond to her: she had a well-constructed, wittily written, passionate response that didn't resort to death threats or somesuch nonsense to make her point. Moreover, the response was written with humor, as was yours. Again, as a standup comic, I have more respect for comedy and a sense of humor than just about anything else on this planet. While you may consider this a condescending or delivered-from-a-lofty-position response, I assure you that's not the case.

    The original point of the article I wrote was about the idiocy inherent in fanaticism, and while the article was directed at "Twi-Hards" (and, oh, how I pray to never come across that word again anytime soon; I have read and spoken the word aloud far too many times today), it also pointed out geeks who are obsessed with "Star Wars", "Harry Potter", and other such mania-inspiring franchises. "Twilight" was chosen as the focus due to the phenomenal success and popularity that the series is currently enjoying. From a comic's point of view, my material wouldn't be very timely if I was targeting, say, "Earth 2" viewers or people that really, really dig R.L. Stine novels. I like that you refer to this as "poking the bear", by the way; I thought that was apt and cute.

    I was careful with my wording in the original article, going very far out of my way to ensure that I didn't call anyone "stupid" or "dumb" or "really fucking stupid" for being a "Twilight" fan, because I don't necessarily think that's the case. I did, however, mock a girl that I'd recently met who WAS a "Twilight" fan, but if you reread the article, I think you'll "see what I did there".

    The shot that I took at "middle-aged women" and their "sullen" teenage daughters seems to be the focal point in much of the negative feedback that I've received for my article, and I'll be the first to admit that it's an enormously cheap shot. As is describing the whole scene as "depressing". But, again: comedian! What you see is what you get, and when it comes to comedy, you have to expect a certain amount of cheap shots mixed in with the fair (and, hopefully, funny) observations.

    Consider "South Park". Here's an equal opportunity offender that pulls no punches with anyone. As a fan of "South Park", I've always enjoyed that the show doesn't ever beat one target to death; rather, they go after everyone. Even when they made "Team America", Trey Parker and Matt Stone were careful not to denominate between their mockery of political parties-- they took them both on.

    I think along the same lines: everything's a target, as well it should be. I've always believed that, should you ever deem something "off limits" in terms of comedy, you've put yourself in a corner. Because, where do you draw the line?

    Your response, as well as Kim's, was the appropriate, appreciated response. Of course I'm saying everything that I'm saying in jest. Believe me, there are far more hate-able things in the world than "Twilight" fans. Tony Danza, for instance.

    So, I'm not here to apologize, or finger the bear-- or whatever it's called (fist the chimp? fondle the platypus?)-- or anything like that. Just wanted to say I appreciated your response, the traffic you no doubt drove to my article, and that I enjoy a friendly little game of shit talking as much as the next humor writer.


  13. (cont'd)

    I still think "Twilight" is lame as fuck, but that's not really any of your concern, and it's not going to take away any of the love you have for the series. Tell ya what, sometimes, I read graphic novels. I'm a big fan of the "Preacher" and "Walking Dead" series. I'm sure there are people out there that'd rag on me for enjoying what amounts to comic books (even though I don't buy them in comic form), but them ragging on me isn't gonna make me stop reading them, or loving them. Your response indicates that you think along the same lines.

    It did concern me, however, that so many "Twilight" fans proved themselves to have no sense of humor about the situation whatsoever. Many of them came across like whiny little douche-boxes (that's my own term, feel free to use it; I'm a big fan of it) that couldn't take a joke. I can't say I was surprised, but then I'm not surprised by anything I see online anymore. If you're familiar with what happens when 2 girls and a cup collide, you know what I mean.

    So, anyway, that's about all I wanted to say. Please check back in with me from time to time, as I'm sure you'll enjoy some of my other stuff.

    And if you're ever in Texas, come see me perform. I'll buy you a drink. And then tell you what a tool Edward is.

    Scott Wampler

    PS: MY verification word is "nizedien", which is also my maiden name.

  14. Anyone who would put this in his post is OK with me.

    "So, I'm not here to apologize, or finger the bear-- or whatever it's called (fist the chimp? fondle the platypus?)-- "

  15. Wow, got quiet in here. I was hoping to hear some more feedback, but, as the man says, "You can't always get what ya want."

    While I'm here, though, lemme rebutt some of the more colorful posts in this comments section:

    "Cutie": I won't ever use anything you say against you, but I will let you know if you're proving my point.

    "Heather": I assure you I am funny. I get paid to do it sometimes. Here's proof: what does a pirate pay for corn? (A bucaneer).

    "SuumBAAhdy": First of all, that's the most annoying word I've ever typed. It must be a bitch for you filling out government documents. I have a billion things to say about your post, but I'll focus it to this: If you read my article, you saw that I admitted upfront that I had no idea what I was talking about and that I had no authority. So, that answers 2 of your questions. Secondly, I liked how you railed on me for being so judgmental (even though it was, as advertised, a "comedy" article) and then immediately played the "question his sexuality" card. Tell me again about being original.

    "SnowBear55": First up, good name. Very evocative. To you I say, I did NOT know I am a shithead, though it does explain why I keep ruining all these hats.

    You have made my day, ladies. This was easily my favorite part of defending my jokes from an entire afternoon spent doing so.


  16. OMFG! Ha! Well, Scott, you had me at "fondle". Just kidding. But, I have to give him at least one point for mentioning "fondle" and before "Fondle Friday" no less.

    @JJ--sorry for making you spew...not really.

  17. There are very few bridges that can't be built between two people by using the word "fondle".

    Incidentally, this is also what a rapist would say, so don't put too much stock in it.

  18. Love it. You are so spot on with everything you said. The thing that annoys me most is when people start touting the anti-feminism of Twilight. I'm a staunch feminist, and I can recognize that the patriarchy has done a lot of damage, but I just don't see that in Twilight at all. I think people just look to criticize whatever happens to be popular.

  19. Holy Shit! I have found a home. This is my first visit to Twitarded and you girls seriously rock! What a relief to find a blog so refreshingly witty, gutsy and hilarious. I'm hooked.

  20. Well said.
    It's so much more fun being into something like Twilight when you're older because we're done taking ourselves so seriously. I love that it makes me laugh. It gives me a break from the craziness and SERIOUSNESS of corporate life. While in Singapore for work and sitting next to a very serious UK colleague, a huge Twilight bus went past our taxi. I had a big grin break out across my face. He looked at me strangely and said, "Did I miss something?". My response, "Nope" and I kept on smiling.
    When I saw this phrase in his article, "The girl loves the vampire, her friends and family all kind of scowl and make disapproving, clucking sounds with their tongues" it made me wonder if he was a Buffy fan however. I believe it was Willow that said to Buffy how Giles makes those clucking sounds when he's angry. Maybe he's suffering from the classic symptom that all of us Buffy fans do initially, "I ain't reading that Twilight crap. It sounds like a rip off of Buffy". Oh Universe, how you proved me so wrong.

  21. Nope, not a "Buffy" fan. But I hear consistently from people whose opinions I greatly respect that it's one of the best shows that's ever been on TV, and I keep meaning to give the first season a try. I've already gone through "LOST", "The Sopranos", "Arrested Development", "The Shield", "Battlestar Galactica", "The Office", "Curb Your Enthusiasm", "True Blood", "Rome", and any other great TV series. "Buffy" is the last one I need to check out.

    I think people other than "Willow" have used that phrase before. I'm fairly certain that it entered my vocabulary the first time I saw "Psycho", when I was about 11. Norman Bates is discussing it in the scene where he eats dinner with Janet Leigh, just before the shower scene (spoiler: death).

  22. @ JJ - Tou-bloody-che! (where the fuck is the accented 'e' on this frggin thing?) Oh and you are going to shit a brick when you read your commments in the morning, and don't sip your coffee either as that shit will come shooting out of your nose like a bullett from a gun - so put the coffee cup down.

    Jeezy friggin Creezy "Wamp there it is", come up for air!

    Oh and stick this is your pipe too - Where's your buccaneers? Under me buccking hat.

    Most of us are East Coast girls. So thank you and goodnight.

    Thank Fuck Its Friday! :D

  23. Scott Wampler: I hope you laugh your arse off when you get around to watching Buffy.
    There's nutcases and whackos in every part of internet fandom. Most of them have me backing away with my hands raised until I can safely sprint out the door, but JJ and STY here, they just make me laugh.
    I hope you stay and checkout the lighter side of people that have read the Twilight series and try not to take the books or themselves too seriously.

  24. i think we need to find this guys car and plaster it with twilight stickers and maybe deflat his tires

    ...... I just wanted to say, i came out of the twi-closet a little more today. i admitted my full blown obsession (book,movie(s),action figure, blanket,shirts,blogs,fanfics,forums...u name it, i fessed up) to a friend. and surprisingly, she was awesome about it, even said she'd go to new moon if i didnt have ne1 else to go with!!! thats like 5 people in my life down, about 20 more to go.........

  25. JJ- I read his whole article (including research disclaimer) and thought he had some good sarcastic wit. Unfortunately it devolved into weird angry condescension, no doubt rooted in Oedipal issues that are far too complex to explore in a blog. (That, and he's not nearly as funny as he so clearly thinks he is.)

    I was too pissed off at the little teen-twats at ComicCon with the sign demanding TwiMoms to "go after a vampire their own age" and whining about how their curfews prevented them from camping out overnight like the slightly seasoned fans did. (Na-na-na!) So I appreciate you taking the time from your hectic life to hilariously poke the bear... the long-winded, over-rationalizing and defensive bear.

  26. "When the fuck did we get ice cream?" (The Ringer) Ok, what happened here and who threw up?
    Scott, I will have to read your article but I have to laugh that you still think Twilight is lame as fuck because most people do, so at least I have been forwarned and anti Twilight articles don't phase me. I think they're funny. In fact, I cracked up last night at the South Park episode where it was goth kids vs vampire kids and to wipe the vampire kids from the school, the goth kids burnt down the Hot Topic store. Fucken brilliant. Really, I'm the first to laugh at myself.
    Hopefully you browsing this awesome and completely hilarious website gives you some insight to us. I love how JJ and STY can have fun with the whole Twilight craze and I am so thankful that I found their blog.

  27. LOVE you girls. LOVE that I learn new words from you. (Can't wait to use "asshattery" in my retail job tomorrow.) LOVE that the wamp has to remind us that he is a "comedian" when the things you write on Twitarded are a gazillion times more clever and wittier than anything he's written. That has to sting a little, wamp.

  28. Ha, you girls are a handful. This'll teach me for coming in here and trying to have a rational conversation that affords you some respect. Way to reinforce those stereotypes as "humorless".

    Honolulu Girl: Yes, I have looked around, and it seems like about half of ya'll are pretty cool. I really dig Jenny's writing, btw.

  29. I totally felt like we were at a Twitard rally meeting while reading this post! JJ had a megaphone and the rest of us were shouting out "YEAH's", Umm Humm!" "That's right's!" You tell'em girl's."
    Instead of pitch forks or flaming torches we all raise our Mini-E's, and let out a collective, TWITARDED!

    Oh yup looks like it's time for Track 10 to hit the pillows!

    My point is that was really well said JJ! I couldn't of said it better, so I will go with "Yup what she said"!

  30. I haven't read the article yet, but I too am a 30-something mom (but not to a teenager YET) who is proud to be completely and utterly obsessed with Twilight and anything Twilight related! I am the first one to laugh at myself about my ridiculous obsession - but it's just so much damn fun! However, knowing it's ridiculous will do nothing to stifle the addiction and the Wamp put it right when he said that negative 'feedback' to us older fans will do nothing to how we feel about Twilight. In fact makes me love it more!

    I enjoyed the back and forth on this blog, and have to admit (sorry JJ) that I respect the Wamp for commenting here - without trying to further demean us or our obsession! And hey, come on girls, we have something in common with this guy - we all love this blog!

    What an awesome start to my day!!

  31. @Jenny- Hey, chick- I KNEW you guys would come through for me, and damm straight, you're true to form.

    I wonder if I could say "Twilight makes us laugh our tits off" on Examiner? Hmm... better not risk it.

    Thanks for the back up, girl!

  32. Hey JJ, I think the Wamp has a crush on you. He'll have to get in line, I think we all have a girl crush on you.

    BTW, where did you get a picture of my baby?

  33. Scotty, Scotty, Scotty I'm impressed that you've ventured into the Twitarded Zone. Do those balls of steel make any sounds when you walk? I'm sure you're a very funny guy and all, but what can you say that we haven't already said bout ourselves. With JJ and Snarky at the helm, it's a regular laugh riot at our own ridiculousness. Seriously, we totally swim in an ocean of endorphins, the by-product of said mirth. That, my good man, is what addicts us. What ever it is that stimulates those wonderful endorphins. So welcome aboard Twitarded. I mean, could the name of this blog be any more approriate? It should have given you some clue. Anyhoo, in the immortal words of Jimmy Buffet "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane..." That said, we girls love guys with a great sense of humor and steele balls are a definite plus. You wouldn't happen to have Robward porn hair too? Hmmm, sorry, just wondering aloud. Can't promise I'll look at your stuff cause I'm totally booked up with Twilight FanFic and Twitarded right now. But I did enjoy your response to JJ. Regards and good luck with that trying to capitalize on the latest trend thing...

  34. Escapism is good. Stepping away from the douchebags for a few hours to a simpler time (Twilight is easier than most adult tasks) is good for the psyche. Nuff said.

  35. addition, any site where I can find the words "fondle" and pics of RPattz, is also good for the psyche. Oh yeah, and asshattery. I love that word. Its such an excellent mental pic.
    (My verification wrd is "stabo" tell me that doesn't sound like a morbid boardgame.)

  36. Ahhh, now Wamp, how thoughtful of you to come out and play here. First, I'm sorry my online ID was so annoying for you to type out (the lazy ass, brain-fried, dingbat I am would've just copied and pasted the damn thing, but I'm touched you made the effort). Second, no, I didn't read your article. I'd... rather... not. I mean, what for? Like JJ remarked: same shit, different day.

    So you're another Twilight hater, who happens to be a writer and comedian. Ooooh, does that mean we have to pay extra attention and be careful not to prove your observations about us correct, what with you gracing us with your presence in our comfort zone, commenting on this blog? Please. As slow as you perceive us, you've made your stance clear enough: you're obviously proud of your work, and oh, how generous of you to take time to enlighten us on having a sense of humor, on having a healthy respect for comedy so that we could appreciate your work too. Really, that's very generous of you, especially when you don't care what the half of us think, being that you've already got us Twitarted "douche boxes" figured out.

    As painful as it is to stretch my limited intellect this far, I can only deduce that you taking the time to throw yourself in the midst of cougar women, anxiously awaiting their reactions to your comments, means that you simply thrive on us proving you right, in spite of your claims of you coming here to try and have "a rational conversation that affords" us some respect. Hello?! Rational conversation? You've come to Twitarted! But whatever. I for one don't mind affirming your narrow-minded opinions, because really, it doesn't matter to me what the likes of you think of the likes of us. Enjoy yourself! I'll still be here, laughing my ass off at myself and others like me, and in the meantime if it makes people like you laugh as well, if it makes you feel like you're someone special to observe us, write about us, and make us the butt of your jokes, then far be it from me to discourage that! How flattering that we mean that much to you. In turn, it's nice to know that we'll have contributed to your big break in the entertainment field by simply reveling in the fanaticism that is Twilight. Don't you forget about us now when you've made it to the big time!

  37. My keyboard is really living the good life. Last night it had a martini (ok 2, shut UP). This morning a freshly brewed espresso. Bibs and keyboard covers are a must for this website.

  38. Bloody hell! Mr."Wamp there it is" called us "humorless" haha Well, I think we are bloody funny in our little Twitarded heaven.

    He's about as funny as a hemorroid the size of The Rock of Gibraltar on my friggin arse! Now that Mr."I am a Comedian" was funny.

    But and a big butt, I have to give the man his due, he did compliment (dig) your writing JJ, as well he should because your talent should'nt go unrecognized. So take a bow and give him the NY hello.

    Like I've said many times before "Twitarded the only place to be!". :D

    Oh and pls forgive my lame buccaneer joke, that normally only comes out after many Soco and limes. But the only excuse I have was being tired after reading about Comic-Con and of course FF and it just popped out.

    TFIF! :D

  39. Oh lordy! You folks were busy last night. And this morning.

    JJ's post gave me that "once more into the breach" rallying Henry V feeling and made me want to stand on my desk and say "O Captain My Captain." I knew it was going to be a good post when I saw the c-word on a photo of a baby!

    I have to give Scott credit for commenting. LOLS, as the kids say. ;)

  40. That angry baby picture is well....perfect.

  41. The truth is, I often tend to agree with the haters. It IS a poorly written book with some really dumb qualities. (Even more problematic for me are some of the messages it sends to women and young girls.) However, I often find the haters are men. And here is my rebuttal:
    1. Show me a man who hasn't watched/doesn't watch porn.
    2. Show me a porno with a better storyline.
    It's my equivalent. So back off. Maybe the fact of the matter is, Twilight and bodice-rippers, as much as we revile them, just go to show that women are more evolved than men. (Note that I realize I am making generalizations. Obviously not all women and men conform to the stereotypes. Not trying to be heterocentric or sexist.)

  42. A fun read for us all...

  43. First - The Baby Pic and title CRACKED me up! Thanks I needed that!

    JJ-I totally relate to VitaminR's description of being magnetized to your side. I'm so there.

    Now that "The Wamp" has a twitarded crush let us welcome him but keep an eye on him. JJ is so freakin hysterical - "The Wamp" can try to tell us somethin we don't know! But he may need to pony up some buckaroos if he steals any of JJ's pure "laugh our tits off" brilliance- we may have to go all jerkface on him (sounds like something he'll enjoy - hell I would too). So Crush on WampMan - but we ARE watching you. That's a warm welcome - really.

    Twitarded show of force in Da House. Pure Love.

  44. Well! Set and match. I'm pretty sure JJ wins this one by a mile, never mind SW's 'professionally respectful' rebuttal.

    Like anon said, I often agree with the haters too, and they can often be quite funny, intentionally and otherwise. I think where Scott went wrong, esp. for a humor writer, is in the denigration of adult women 'depressingly mired in a porny vampire romance, trying to relate to their teenager daughters' or however that was worded.

    That is about as far away from funny as it gets and that's what got the overly serious replies back. The reason south park succeeds is not just their across the board targets, but the fact that everything they say/do IS actually really funny. When you start throwing the words like depressing around, you leave the comedy writin' pretty far back.

    But kudos for coming back with the platypus and all, if you'd kept up that tone for your original uninspired article, we'd be laughing with ya.

    Anyhow, I believe we've got a good thing going here, so we'll leave ya to your funny article writing.

  45. I LOVE YOU (not in a creepy way...In a totally platonic Twitarded way)

    That's it. The end.

  46. Jenny Jerkface vs. The Wamp - Steel Cage Death Match. My money's on JJ for sure! Never underestimate an angry Twitard...

    "Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse." - This is perfect! I fucking love it! Sounds exactly like me, minus the hectic commute of course!

  47. Figures I'm absolutely swamped at work today.


    @the Wamp:

    Welcome to Twitarded! As I’m sure you’ve already gathered, we aren’t exactly you ‘typical’ Twi-hards. I like to think of us as the juvenile detention center of Twilight land. But for grownups only…

    When I first read your article I laughed out loud – not because of what you wrote (though it was mostly funny) but because I was imagining what your inbox was going to look like and I know it ain’t pretty. I read your follow - up article this morning and suggest you might want to get a police escort for the next few days. Just sayin’. Seriously, some of those bitches are going to come after you with their twitardy torches and pitchforks. Ever thought about how good you might look with a wig and a big ol' pair of sunglasses?

    When I woke up this morning I was wondering what our comment thread was going to look like. I wasn’t sure if I was going to walk in on a Jets vs. Sharks scenario replete with singing and dancing or if this was going to be a full blown drive-by, Biggie Smalls/Tupac style. I know most of our readers have wicked senses of humor so I figured there wouldn’t be too much pissing in the sandbox but then you had to go and throw out ‘fondle the platypus’ which is probably the only thing, besides liking Twilight, that would endear you to our readers.

    Damn you, Wamp. You took the wind out of my snarky sails. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

    Is Twilight lame as fuck, as you so eloquently put it? Meh. It’s a moot point. As we said, it’s not just about the books, but also about everything that follows. As you can see here, what follows is a lot of swearing, porn, and poopy jokes. We’re cool with that though I’m pretty sure Stephenie Meyers wouldn’t be. Whatevs.

    I also think it’s fair to say that those who are lacking in the humor department really don’t venture onto our turf. And if they did, they are currently curled in the fetal position, rocking back and forth in horror because I threw out the word ‘cunt’. Oh, and speaking of words, 'douche boxes' ain’t bad. Personally, I’m a big fan of whore flaps. I know STY’s personal favorite is twat clot. Feel free to use them as you see fit. Consider it a gift from Twitarded.

    As far as we are concerned there are no lines here to be crossed and everything, natch, is fair game. Being a judgmental asshole myself I’m fully aware that if I dish, I sure as shit better be able to take it. The first rule of Twitarded, after all, is there are no rules.

    That being said, when you take a big stinky poop on someone else’s parade, there is bound to be a few pesky hairs that get pulled out in the process. Just make sure you wipe really well when everything is said and done. I mean,I know it's Comic Con this week but nobody likes a klingon...

  48. Phew! You ladies were busy last night.
    @donnal14 Loved your response!
    @JJ Just Bloody Brilliant!
    "Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse. Pathetic? Possibly. Harmless? Absolutely. Fun? Ummm, oh hell yes, it is!!
    I have a mental picture of you standing tall with Mini Edward held high, the wind blowing your hair and a spot light shining down on you.

    I don't think that you are worth my time. You can have your 15 minutes of fame and then creep back under the rock from where you came from. I'll still be here...

  49. Amen, sister! I'm going to post this on my office door.

  50. You can make fun of the Twi-hards all you want, I make fun of myself everyday too. Doesn't make me love Twilight any less. I enjoy the company Edward brings me as he rides around in my purse. I enjoy drooling over a much *ahem* slightly younger man. I especially enjoy laughing and joking with others that are as crazy as I am. It's not like we're wearing plastic vulcan ears around. We are MUCH cooler than that. :)

    **My word verification is vellqu- is that an ED medication?

  51. i can't say much that hasn't already been said by all the comments preceding mine. except this: thumbs up for putting the word "CUNT" on display. love it, love it. favorite word, hands down.

  52. @JJ....
    That being said, when you take a big stinky poop on someone else’s parade, there is bound to be a few pesky hairs that get pulled out in the process. Just make sure you wipe really well when everything is said and done...

    Hey WampMan.. JJ has a way with wordpoop..I thought as a way to go all Tony from WestSide Story I would recommend her Best Poop Post (IMHO) would be: "Of Twilight and,er,ka-ka" grab a piece of TP - you're going to need it!

  53. @JJ
    Yeah he's definately going to be stalked by a bunch of twihards with their panties in a bunch. It will be interesting to see what happens to him. Especially with all the histeria that commic-con is generating right now.

  54. I may have to change my name to "Snarkier Than You [But Not JJ]" - lol...

    Thanks for all the laughs today - I needed it! You all kill me. In a good way.

    @ The Wamp - you know you secretly want to be a Twilight unicorn. You can admit it to us. You're among friends (or at least the friendliest people you'll find in the Twi-dom in the next week-ish or so...).

    : )

  55. "Two words: Brain Porn" LOVE IT!! Have just sent this to my friends who are rolling with laughter. I heart Twitarded.

  56. In the spirit of respecting haters that are funny, here's the latest from Cracked, and I literally spewed coffee at one part...

  57. I LOVE YOU GUYS! I am a 33yo mom to an almost 14yo and although she enjoys the Twi series she isn't addicted to it and is embarressed by my obsession. I brought my sister into the Twi world so her husband and my daughter make fun of us and it's all good. (Everyone knows they are closet Twi-lovers anyways!) Who cares what other people think. I like what I want to like cuz it makes me happy and I will do whatever I want if it makes me happy. Even if it's little girl screams whenever Twilight is mentioned.

    The day is never complete without some Twitarded in the mix. Much love. I bow to you guys. I am your follower!

  58. Jenny Jerkface is my goddess! Hells yeah, thank you for saying all that you have, love you, love the Blog!

  59. I`ve read Wamp`s article, several times. I even tried reading it with Rick Mercer`s rant voice in my head (please tell you know who that is).
    “What you see is what you get, and when it comes to comedy, you have to expect a certain amount of cheap shots mixed in with the fair (and, hopefully, funny) observations.”
    So let’s start with the observations.
    Yup, anyone that goes to Comicon and lines up for hours - is a nutter in my books. Ditto for anyone that would attack/chase Rob in NY. Yup, Twilight is not literature. In fact, I think that I`ve read stuff on the back of a shampoo bottle that was more complex. Yup, your shot at middle aged women and their teenage daughters was cheap and really did you no favours (I’d be buying a plane ticket to Greenland if I were you). Cheap shots are just that, cheap. And it didn`t make you funny here.
    So you took a «shot across the bow of the ship Twi-hard. The only problem I have with it, Captain Obvious, it that it really wasn`t funny.

  60. Oh my, my, my. Another man who doesn't 'get' women and so chooses to just ridicule them instead of trying to understand them.

    I left a piece of (what's left of) my mind on his site.

    Thanks for this! Love your blog, ladies!

  61. someone post a hot pic of Rob/Edward quick. My brain hurts from readin' all these smart people words.

  62. JJ for President!

    Clit crunchers of the world unite!


  63. So not a woman of words, but I love this!


  64. You don't even know how much joy this blog brings me each day. JJ and STY - you guys are truly my heros.

  65. I love this shit, please keep it going. There is nothing better in the world than reading JJ go all smahhht ass on someone. I thought what you wrote about the angsty teenagers in Spencer's gifts was great, but this is way better. Im going to pop some popcorn in the hopes for a rematch between you and "the Wamp"

  66. Tatiana - That link was an absolute gem. It was my first gut busting laugh of the day. Thank you.

    If anyone wants a good (non Twitard) related laugh this weekend go see The Hangover. It wasn't even on my radar. I thought it was just another bachelor party movie, but my sister highly recommended it. It's fucking hysterical! Bradley Cooper is some nice eye candy as well. He's also only 10 years younger than me which puts him in sexual fantasy range. I find it difficult at times to fantasize about someone who is young enough to theoretically be my child (although my oldest is only 9. I really needed those extra 14 years between 20 and 34 to gear up for motherhood).

  67. Here, here, fellow twitards.

    I haven't read all your comments yet, but all this stuff (post+comment) just made me remember and older post (6th of may) and a link that Brightredink (hope you don't mind me copying it here) posted on her comment about what her husband thinks of "us girls".
    Enjoy a knowledgeable opinion:


  68. K- I just went over to The WampSide and saw that his article got 15 posts of which 2 were The WampMan himself. enuf said, eh?

  69. "I'm about as sentimental as a hooker is chaste."

    Fucking HI-LARIOUS, as usual.


  70. Selena... I tried your link but it didn't work. :(
    Too right onoimatwitard2, re Tatiana's link; Daniel O'Brien's bit was hilarious. Perhaps the Wamp should take a gander at it, he may pick up some useful insight because by gawd I think Daniel gets it.
    Thanks for the shout out Red Bella.

  71. @melp - is that my "prairie-dogging mini-E" pic?! hilarious!!!

    : )

  72. SumBAAAHdy - You said exactly what I was thinking in my irrationally irritated state of mind last night. Thank you so much.

    AJ and KintheFlo - Re: his comments - he deletes everything he doesn't like. My comments and his ad nauseum reply were all gone by this morning. He's a disher, not a taker.

    JJ- Classy, funny response. No surprise. Can we move on back to RobPorn now? Oh wait! We already did! Thanks, chickies:-)

  73. I have no problem with people laughing at Twilight or my fandom as long as they're actually *funny* about it, but this guy isn't. It's not merely that he's a misogynistic ill-informed douche - he has no comedic skills either, and this is unforgiveable. This is why Twitarded rules, and is the perfect fandom fraction for someone like me who adores Twilight, but thinks its utterly preposterous at the same time. Oh, and Rob is half dork/half sex-god. It's the contradictory stances we hold that make our pleasures so much more fun.

  74. @donnal14: Should have worked...

    Try it via Twitarded: choose the month of May.
    Find the post named "Twilight Widowers Anonymous" - it's by JJ :)
    Then just find the comment made by Brightredink; the link's from there.

    Hope this works.

  75. @Selene: Darn it all, she closed her site back in June and I didn't see any access to the older blogs. That's what happens when you're late for the party, I'm so far behind and have missed so much. pouts and sighs :(

  76. @donnal14 : I'm a late comer (that sounds dirty) to bloggy-sphere; wasn't expecting it to be closed.

    Sorry you didn't get to read it :(
    Basically it was a really nice post from her husband... Among other things he advised other hubbies to take a good look at their wifes and see the differences: we are happier, laugh a lot more and all-in-all, look younger. And he also said we where witty, confident, fulfilled women :)

    She shouldn't have took it down; she should have convinced her hubby to tutor others!

  77. JJ and STY

    i've said it before and i'll say it again... you guys are like the cream in my coffee, the butter on my toast, the icing on my twi-cake :) i love this post. i'm a BIG dork (duh) and was actually a little teary at the end there... its true... twilight has brought me closer to a girl i've known almost my whole life but now that we have twilight in common, our friendship has grown immensely!

    at the moment (and since last october) i've been unemployed and desperately seeking a job to no avail. i got pretty depressed a few months back and then i picked up twilight (it had been given to me by a friend but i just let it collect dust for a few months before i decided to "give in" and read it) once i read it, as many others can attest to, i haven't been the same. it really is my escape and brought me out of a really bad funk that nothing else would. i can't imagine what i'd be like without it. i'd say it sounds kinda sad, but i know ya'll understand :)

    so thanks to you and thanks to twilight, i still may be unemployed but atleast i'm not ready to jump off a cliff :-P

  78. @Megan.. Let me welcome you on behalf of the sisterhood of Twitarded. Sorry to hear about your job situation. Check for a job with one of your local utilities. People are always going to need power, water, & sewer etc... If you don't mind customer service type of work. For more pick-me ups, let me direct you to You will find a treasure trove of fun their to help boost your mood. Meanwhile, I'll say a little prayer for ya...

  79. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We verbalized everything I was felling so much better than I could. I was going to respond back to him before I read your rebuttle. There is nothing else to be said! I am 31 years old, a full time student, a full time school administrator, take care of ill relatives, etc. I think I deserve a break! And for someone like him (who did not read the books) to attack us like that is crazy! There is no need for such malice! The world is ugly enough, does he have to add to it?

  80. BRAVA!!! Well said! I recently had this argument with a friend of mine. He's about to complete his master's in English and is starting his Ph.D. in English in the fall... oddly enough, he seems to get more and more pretensious every time I see him! He's a big douche about literature (and pop culture) now. It was frustrating at the time because he wouldn't LISTEN to me when I gave him my rebuttle but then later I was thinking about it and decided screw him! Sure the majority of people in my "real" life don't understand the whole "Twilight thing" but I have a few good friends who do and tons of intelligent people online who write awesome blogs (like this one!) and who GET IT. Thanks for providing a community for all us twitarded folks!

  81. Amen, sister! I'm going to post this on my office door.

  82. Jenny Jerkface vs. The Wamp - Steel Cage Death Match. My money's on JJ for sure! Never underestimate an angry Twitard...

    "Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse." - This is perfect! I fucking love it! Sounds exactly like me, minus the hectic commute of course!

  83. Phew! You ladies were busy last night.
    @donnal14 Loved your response!
    @JJ Just Bloody Brilliant!
    "Like most of my fellow Twitards, I have a hectic life. I may not have wee ones but I have a long commute, a stressful job, and deal with the day-to-day asshattery just like every other grown-up. But I do it with an action figure tucked in my purse. Pathetic? Possibly. Harmless? Absolutely. Fun? Ummm, oh hell yes, it is!!
    I have a mental picture of you standing tall with Mini Edward held high, the wind blowing your hair and a spot light shining down on you.

    I don't think that you are worth my time. You can have your 15 minutes of fame and then creep back under the rock from where you came from. I'll still be here...

  84. Oh lordy! You folks were busy last night. And this morning.

    JJ's post gave me that "once more into the breach" rallying Henry V feeling and made me want to stand on my desk and say "O Captain My Captain." I knew it was going to be a good post when I saw the c-word on a photo of a baby!

    I have to give Scott credit for commenting. LOLS, as the kids say. ;)

  85. That angry baby picture is well....perfect.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!