Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Live Twitarded or DIE! Edward Goes to New Hampshire

As I'm sure you all know, ML and I attended his bff's wedding in New Hampshire this weekend.

What, no oil slicks? Toxic sludge? Three-eyed fish? Booor-ing! I miss Jersey...

For those of you who have never been to NH, it's a gorgeous state that IS the middle of nowhere - for the most part, anyway (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's replete with sprawling mountains, "Moose Crossing" signs, and lots of motorcyclists who take the motto 'Live Free or Die' very seriously, since there are no helmet laws in NH and it's a virtual haven for Darwin Award contenders [for more Darwin-Award-worthy tom-foolery, check out this story over at TwiCrack Addict!]. We go there two or three times a year and ML attempts to murder me by making me go on day hikes in the White Mountains. Don't let anyone fool you: there is no such thing as an 'easy' hike in New Hampshire.

It's a place where people are uber-friendly and everyone seems pretty chill and happy.


Which makes my Surly that much more obvious.

Our hotel lodge was so fucking quaint and cute that when I walked past the swinging bench I had a sudden urge to sit a spell or talk a yarn or something like that. Of course, this immediate calmness was followed by an uncontrollable Surge of Jersey and I had to check myself from punching a little old lady in front of me when we were checking in; it was as if my dickface meter was on low and I needed a refill.

In my defense, I had just spent seven and half hours in a car with ML, vacillating between sleeping, reading Twilight, begging ML to pull over so I could get a fucking cup of coffee and threatening bodily harm when he kept ‘missing’ the rest stop exits.

Let me explain something about myself here. I have the uncanny ability to fall asleep immediately in any moving object, whether it be a car, plane, or train. The only people who seem to have a problem with this are the NJ Transit train conductors; they seem pretty irritated when they have to shake the seats to wake me up and get me the fuck off of their train.

For what it's worth, everyone else is thankful that I'm asleep because I can't do the following when I'm unconscious:

  • Criticize your driving from the moment I get into your car until the moment you kick me out [actual time lapsed: not much].

  • Yell at you to watch out for things that apparently only exist in my imagination (pedestrians are a favorite psychotic episode of mine, with deer coming in as a close second). I'm like that kid from The Sixth Sense, but I'm all "I see roadkill..."

  • Gasp/shriek/make other annoying noise and stomp on my "wishful thinking"' brake on the passenger side of the car every time you get within 300 feet of another car.

  • Tell you to slow down for a stop light that is at least two blocks away.

  • So, in short, I'm a really obnoxious fucking passenger [note from STY: yup, it's true! Which is why I try to drive like as much of a maniac as semi-legally possible every time she is in the car with me. ML would concur that it's impossible not to mess with her when she's strapped helplessly into the passenger seat].

    Once we checked in and oohed and awwed over the decor of the lodge (because it was really really cute, I have to admit) we headed immediately over to the restaurant where we were introduced to a bunch of the other wedding guests.

    Deer Antler lamp! ==>


    I'm so used to hanging around with myself and a bunch of other ornery nutsuckers that I'm always amazed when people are genial and outgoing. Frankly, I get a little suspicious. As a general rule, the only reason a stranger would approach me would be to ask for money, take my money, or murder me. Or all of the above.

    True story: I was standing at the bar waiting to get a drink when this older couple offered to buy me a shot. The fuck? They weren't part of the wedding crew (I asked them) and they said I just looked like I needed a shot. I mean, did I look that uptight? If so, it was probably because when they said 'would you like a shot?', I heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'


    What can I say, I'm paranoid. Genuinely nice, generous people arouse my suspicion. And yes, I took the shot. Because potential consequences be damned, who can turn up a free
    drink.

    Everyone we met was absolutely awesome, which made it hard for me to be my snarky self because... I kinda felt bad. I mean, I couldn't even be mean to the guy with the funny accent who told me I had a funny accent. Who knew? Guess I am growing a conscious.

    While I may have developed in the conscious department, my idea of responsibility was apparently still in its infancy because the night essentially ended like this:

    Mooooore vodka, pleeeeeash. Ish a weddi(hiccup!)n and I'm shelerbratin...

    ML, possessing far more brain cells than myself, opted to go to bed early so he could get up and enjoy the complimentary breakfast with a steady hand, non-squiffy stomach, and unbleary eyes. Not me. You would think one of these days I’d learn but noooooo.

    Regardless, I managed to drag myself out of bed at a semi-reasonable hour, choke down the BEST FUCKING BREAKFAST I've ever had and get ready for the festivities in record time and was waiting eagerly when the shuttles arrived. Which was a school bus.

    As we rattled and rolled our way toward the ceremony site, I leaned over to ML.

    “Can I take pictures of Edward during the ceremony?” I whispered to ML. He paled visibly and shook his head.

    “Not unless you want to be ‘that guy’, he hissed back. I debated telling him that if I wasn’t being ‘that guy’ he usually was but every once in awhile I grasp the concept of social propriety and kept my mouth shut. Plus, the bus driver nearly drove us off a cliff and my life was flashing before my eyes. It wasn't pretty, but that's another story.

    So, I waited until the reception, when ML was otherwise engaged with a beer and another wedding guest to sneak Edward out for some photo shots. The ceremony took place in this beautiful meadow and there were ponds and rolling fields...


    Rolling fields (sort of)

    Little foot bridge that I almost fell off of into the squishy scary stuff below. AND I was sober. Maybe I'm more like Bella than I think...

    The reception was a blast but Edward was feeling a little tired from the previous evening's debauchery and decided to take a nap in my purse, which was a good thing because ML dragged me out on to the dance floor.

    I don't dance. I flail. ML and I are one of those weird couples in that the dude likes to dance and the chick... prefers not to embarrass the shit out of herself.

    Sure enough, as soon as I started jerking my hips around and shuffling my feet people started nodding encouragingly to me, like you would to a small child or someone mentally and physically incapacitated who is trying to do something obviously out of their league. I continued to move like I was in the throes of a full blown seizure for two whole songs before trying to skulk off, only to be thwarted by ML and forced to continue my demented gyrations for another song or four before I finally fled the crime scene, leaving my dignity twitching feebly on the dance floor.

    I am profoundly glad that Edward didn't witness that debacle. I mean, I have my dignity, and I wouldn't want to embarrass myself with Mini-E bearing witness. He thinks highly of me...

    As always, good times must come to an end and our weekend wound down until the next thing I knew we were packing up the car for the long ride home. Edward was safely chilling out in the visor for an possible photo ops and we were off.

    "Hey, ML," I said, yawning.

    "Don't you dare ask if we can stop for coffee," he replied tersely. "We haven't even left the parking lot."

    "I wasn't going t-...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" [In hindsight I think that maybe Jasper had slipped into the car and was working his calming magic on me... Or ML took preventative measures slipped something into my OJ... Is OJ supposed to taste like NyQuil???]

    25 comments:

    1. So that's why you were in the school bus, I had vision of some weird ass tour or you'd been abducted by the children of the corn... oops wrong state for that...
      I'm just like you.... Give me 10 minutes in any moving vehicle and I'm out like a light. I think it's a defense mechanism so I don't drive hubby insane or myself for that matter when he's driving. He has a nasty habit of hugging the centre line when he drives and it scares the shit out of me. So what I don't know won't hurt me...
      Glad you and pocket Edward enjoyed your trip.

      ReplyDelete
    2. @JJ - "I had to check myself from punching a little old lady in front of me when we were checking in" Fuck sake! Friggin hysterical. Maybe you should have just "winged" her probably would have made you feel soo much better. haha

      Ohh I love dancing and singing my friggin head off! But especially like to dance off beat to really piss people off. Especially the ones they are really in the groove with that I've got the beat face then I start clapping and dancing all out of beat and they look at me mortified, like I just ran over their cat and then they really have to concentrate to get the beat back. I friggin love that! Yes, I know, I'm sick but it's so hysterical. haha

      I'm with you on the roadkill stuff, it makes me heave everytime. Then that's like a chain reaction and then everyone in the car does it, thank frig the windows are tinted. Bloody fun!

      Mini-E on finally on his back! Woohoo! Yeah baby!

      But seriously, so glad that you had a nice time.

      :D

      ReplyDelete
    3. Sounds like u and mini-e had a good time, even with ML there, lol.

      and yes NH bikers r def unique in their own way, i know a few.

      -can't dance
      -random falling ( or almost) while walking
      -Talking to random people at a bar
      -chilling in a meadow
      -"paranoid" passenger in the car

      hrmm at least a few hits on ur Bella meter this weekend

      my word verfication is Laturi, doesnt it sound liek it could be a french or italin coven or somin?

      ReplyDelete
    4. I love the paranoia with the shot ....." heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'

      haha! totally relate. I grew up in NYC but call Maine my home now. I still have those moments.

      oh how i would have loved a pic of you & ML dancing. Am I the only one who wants to catch a glimpse of ML?

      ReplyDelete
    5. HoplesslyAddictedJuly 16, 2009 at 12:18 AM

      I am glad I checked in before bed! I am still laughing!! I agree, your Bella-meter was off the charts this weekend. I am a tad envious - I spent this weekend camping - in a tent. And there was not even a vampire or wolf to keep me company. Just two pissed off dogs and my hubby who did not fit in our tiny tent, but tried anyway.

      Driving with ML could be worse. My hubby likes to turn all music off and have "QT Time" (quality time). aka: hours of not-able-to-run-away talky talk time. I prefer to put on some good tunes and escape to my "happy place" and very happy situations usually involving Robward in some fashion. But nooo, hubby wants to talk and talk. ugggg...

      ReplyDelete
    6. Genuinely nice people bother me the most. They are always the ones with the dismembered bodys disolving in an acid barrel under a tarp in the garage.

      On a lighter note I can't dance for shit. But once I've had a few glasses of liquid courage (aka tequila)I don't seem to care anymore.

      ReplyDelete
    7. I have no freakin idea why, but I could not stop laughing for a minute when I saw the Edward meadow pictures. Made of plastic, but still so expressive!

      ReplyDelete
    8. @ HoplesslyAddicted ~ u just described something most woman would kill for.......... but FUCK NO not us twitards!!1 i agree on a long trip id like to be left to my ipod and fantasies of robward.... unless i can somehow have acess to twi-smut to read.........

      ReplyDelete
    9. I bust a move a la "Elaine" from Seinfeld!
      I say if you got flaunt it! ;)

      There is something scary about overly nice old people!
      :/ They have motive and a twinkle in their eye!

      Antler lamp FTW!

      ReplyDelete
    10. @Track 10--That was totally what I was envisioning the "Elaine" from Seinfeld. Ha!

      @JJ--You kill me girl. I love that you asked to take photos of PE doing the ceremony. You are dedicated my friend.

      Oh JJ you really need to come to the Pacific Northwest where there are some real mountains :) The White Mountains got nothin' on the Olympic Mts. and Cascade Mts. We could hike to Goat Rocks Wilderness as mentioned by Edward. I have been to NH and, yes, it is absolutely beautiful. So glad you had a nice trip.

      Now, how is that fondle fone holding up?

      ReplyDelete
    11. "I don't dance. I flail. the chick... prefers not to embarrass the shit out of herself."

      You really are Bella!!!

      I just love that you asked ML to take shots of Edward at the wedding.. and I love his reaction too - paled visibly whahahahahaaaa

      Glad you didn't dissapoint though - love the pics of Edward in the meadow... how appropriate!

      ReplyDelete
    12. JJ!

      I agree—you are the love child of Bella+Elaine (with a dash of Newman's paranoia).

      And as for the bus incident, in which you almost went cliff-diving (SEE? More evidence of your Bella connection!): Are you sure the bus driver wasn't the dementedly kind, probably murderous older male, who, along with his accomplice wife, bought you that debilitating shot, and was finally trying to finish you off?

      By the way: My verification word is laymfic. Okay: is my fic (i.e. my edwardcentric blog) lame? Or should I interpret this as "lay me fic" (i.e. my ROBcentric blog)?

      ReplyDelete
    13. jajajajaja JJ i'm glad you had a great time!!! my fav quote: more vodka! ish a wedding!!! been there, donde that. seriously, what is it about weddings??? i always get wasted! welcome back! =)

      ReplyDelete
    14. I live in NH....we heartily welcome Twitards and lil' E anytime. Besides the lack of helmets, don't forget NO sales tax, and NO income tax (and the cheap booze you've discussed before). Live Free or Die, baby!

      ReplyDelete
    15. Oh JJ, you never fail to amuse the shit out of me! Glad you had an awesome time up north (or as we say it here in Maine, up noth!) I'm fucking dying over this...

      "I heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'"

      I've lived in this pretty tame-ass state my whole life but still seem to be very leery of people and think someone is going to try and steal me! Shit, I live in the boonies and I still lock the house up like Fort Knox every night!! Must be my paranoid New Yorker husband rubbing off on me!

      ReplyDelete
    16. Now I remember why I don't read this at work (which I did early today and just now reread it to my fiance) - I had to do that very awkward silent laugh to try to hide myself - so then I just looked like I was having a spasm - probably much like your dancing;)

      I think the dancing sequence is what really got me.

      Oh, thank you for making my day better at work - even if some of my coworkers are now concerned about my health.

      ReplyDelete
    17. Ugh, I'm so sorry I've been sucking at responding to comments these days.

      As far as the sleeping/moving vehicle goes - my mom is convinced it's because she used to drive me around to put me to sleep when I was an infant. I've always had my suspicions that she was driving me around looking for an orphanage to drop me off at... lol.

      The school bus rocked. Until we almost died.

      It never once occurred to me, ever, that I might actually have a little Bella in me. However, someone once commented that my dancing reminded them of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never watched Seinfeld so I went home that night and watched the clip of Elaine dancing.

      I now hate that person.

      I have to admit that I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds overly nice people suspect (well, I find EVERYONE suspect but it goes double for really nice folks).

      But, in our defenses (those who agree with me) every time you see on the news some story about a guy who murdered lots of people and kept their feet as souvenirs what do all the neighbors always say?

      "Oh, we was the sweetest guy. So helpful and nice..."

      I rest my case.

      ;)

      ReplyDelete
    18. "dickface meter was on low and needed a refill" - rofl

      I share your ability to fall asleep in any moving object, (which is great, since I have a bladder the size of a walnut), and which is always immediately followed by SO doing some asinine maneuver with yelling at poor grandpa in his trailer or passing someone at 150mph which wakes me up. It's his technique for not getting bored. Of course I immediately inform him that we need a bathroom break and the hilarity continues.

      I too am immediately suspicious of overly nice people, but I'm worse - instead of ascribing serial murdered motives to them, I just assume they have no friends, and look at them condescendingly...

      ReplyDelete
    19. I just have to agree with everyone about you having a Bella sort of weekend.

      I also fall easily asleep in moving vehicles :)

      Thanks for the laughs.

      You know all of your trips with Mini Edward spikes my curiosity to visit those places you go to.
      Then come the comments, that only add to it.
      It's got me thinking: wouldn't it be nice to have a guide, something like "Mini-E voyages"... You already got the pics. I'm can see it already; flipping through the pages, thinking: where will Mini-E take me this time?.
      Consider this my order to your "Twitarded Guide to Mini-E's Voyages"!!!

      :) :) :)

      ReplyDelete
    20. I am the bride from that unforgettable wedding weekend in NH. JJ has been telling me about this blog for sometime. I finally have time now that the wedding is over to indulge myself in such luxurious time suckers. My my what have I been missing! I do love her recap on the days of edward. One comment- clearly JJ did not ask the right person on whether edward could make an appearance during the ceremony. in fact, i think i heard a squeak from him when the audience was asked does anyone object to the union of these two blah blah people. I believe i heard an objection from edward. (sigh) if only he had spoken up a little louder from jj's couture purse (and super cute dress i might add. edward is always welcome to nh with an open invitation and warm bed. ;-) Yes, ladies and gents, i did just purchase the Twilight novel in the airport on my way to Italy...............

      ReplyDelete
    21. jajajajaja JJ i'm glad you had a great time!!! my fav quote: more vodka! ish a wedding!!! been there, donde that. seriously, what is it about weddings??? i always get wasted! welcome back! =)

      ReplyDelete
    22. Ugh, I'm so sorry I've been sucking at responding to comments these days.

      As far as the sleeping/moving vehicle goes - my mom is convinced it's because she used to drive me around to put me to sleep when I was an infant. I've always had my suspicions that she was driving me around looking for an orphanage to drop me off at... lol.

      The school bus rocked. Until we almost died.

      It never once occurred to me, ever, that I might actually have a little Bella in me. However, someone once commented that my dancing reminded them of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never watched Seinfeld so I went home that night and watched the clip of Elaine dancing.

      I now hate that person.

      I have to admit that I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds overly nice people suspect (well, I find EVERYONE suspect but it goes double for really nice folks).

      But, in our defenses (those who agree with me) every time you see on the news some story about a guy who murdered lots of people and kept their feet as souvenirs what do all the neighbors always say?

      "Oh, we was the sweetest guy. So helpful and nice..."

      I rest my case.

      ;)

      ReplyDelete
    23. JJ!

      I agree—you are the love child of Bella+Elaine (with a dash of Newman's paranoia).

      And as for the bus incident, in which you almost went cliff-diving (SEE? More evidence of your Bella connection!): Are you sure the bus driver wasn't the dementedly kind, probably murderous older male, who, along with his accomplice wife, bought you that debilitating shot, and was finally trying to finish you off?

      By the way: My verification word is laymfic. Okay: is my fic (i.e. my edwardcentric blog) lame? Or should I interpret this as "lay me fic" (i.e. my ROBcentric blog)?

      ReplyDelete
    24. I am glad I checked in before bed! I am still laughing!! I agree, your Bella-meter was off the charts this weekend. I am a tad envious - I spent this weekend camping - in a tent. And there was not even a vampire or wolf to keep me company. Just two pissed off dogs and my hubby who did not fit in our tiny tent, but tried anyway.

      Driving with ML could be worse. My hubby likes to turn all music off and have "QT Time" (quality time). aka: hours of not-able-to-run-away talky talk time. I prefer to put on some good tunes and escape to my "happy place" and very happy situations usually involving Robward in some fashion. But nooo, hubby wants to talk and talk. ugggg...

      ReplyDelete
    25. So that's why you were in the school bus, I had vision of some weird ass tour or you'd been abducted by the children of the corn... oops wrong state for that...
      I'm just like you.... Give me 10 minutes in any moving vehicle and I'm out like a light. I think it's a defense mechanism so I don't drive hubby insane or myself for that matter when he's driving. He has a nasty habit of hugging the centre line when he drives and it scares the shit out of me. So what I don't know won't hurt me...
      Glad you and pocket Edward enjoyed your trip.

      ReplyDelete

    Comments are our life now. Leave one!