In my defense, I had just spent seven and half hours in a car with ML, vacillating between sleeping, reading Twilight, begging ML to pull over so I could get a fucking cup of coffee and threatening bodily harm when he kept ‘missing’ the rest stop exits.
Let me explain something about myself here. I have the uncanny ability to fall asleep immediately in any moving object, whether it be a car, plane, or train. The only people who seem to have a problem with this are the NJ Transit train conductors; they seem pretty irritated when they have to shake the seats to wake me up and get me the fuck off of their train.
For what it's worth, everyone else is thankful that I'm asleep because I can't do the following when I'm unconscious:
So, in short, I'm a really obnoxious fucking passenger [note from STY: yup, it's true! Which is why I try to drive like as much of a maniac as semi-legally possible every time she is in the car with me. ML would concur that it's impossible not to mess with her when she's strapped helplessly into the passenger seat].
I'm so used to hanging around with myself and a bunch of other ornery nutsuckers that I'm always amazed when people are genial and outgoing. Frankly, I get a little suspicious. As a general rule, the only reason a stranger would approach me would be to ask for money, take my money, or murder me. Or all of the above.
True story: I was standing at the bar waiting to get a drink when this older couple offered to buy me a shot. The fuck? They weren't part of the wedding crew (I asked them) and they said I just looked like I needed a shot. I mean, did I look that uptight? If so, it was probably because when they said 'would you like a shot?', I heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'
What can I say, I'm paranoid. Genuinely nice, generous people arouse my suspicion. And yes, I took the shot. Because potential consequences be damned, who can turn up a free
drink.
Everyone we met was absolutely awesome, which made it hard for me to be my snarky self because... I kinda felt bad. I mean, I couldn't even be mean to the guy with the funny accent who told me I had a funny accent. Who knew? Guess I am growing a conscious.
While I may have developed in the conscious department, my idea of responsibility was apparently still in its infancy because the night essentially ended like this:
Mooooore vodka, pleeeeeash. Ish a weddi(hiccup!)n and I'm shelerbratin...
Regardless, I managed to drag myself out of bed at a semi-reasonable hour, choke down the BEST FUCKING BREAKFAST I've ever had and get ready for the festivities in record time and was waiting eagerly when the shuttles arrived. Which was a school bus.
As we rattled and rolled our way toward the ceremony site, I leaned over to ML.
“Can I take pictures of Edward during the ceremony?” I whispered to ML. He paled visibly and shook his head.
So, I waited until the reception, when ML was otherwise engaged with a beer and another wedding guest to sneak Edward out for some photo shots. The ceremony took place in this beautiful meadow and there were ponds and rolling fields...
Rolling fields (sort of)
Little foot bridge that I almost fell off of into the squishy scary stuff below. AND I was sober. Maybe I'm more like Bella than I think...
I don't dance. I flail. ML and I are one of those weird couples in that the dude likes to dance and the chick... prefers not to embarrass the shit out of herself.
Sure enough, as soon as I started jerking my hips around and shuffling my feet people started nodding encouragingly to me, like you would to a small child or someone mentally and physically incapacitated who is trying to do something obviously out of their league. I continued to move like I was in the throes of a full blown seizure for two whole songs before trying to skulk off, only to be thwarted by ML and forced to continue my demented gyrations for another song or four before I finally fled the crime scene, leaving my dignity twitching feebly on the dance floor.
"Hey, ML," I said, yawning.
"Don't you dare ask if we can stop for coffee," he replied tersely. "We haven't even left the parking lot."
So that's why you were in the school bus, I had vision of some weird ass tour or you'd been abducted by the children of the corn... oops wrong state for that...
ReplyDeleteI'm just like you.... Give me 10 minutes in any moving vehicle and I'm out like a light. I think it's a defense mechanism so I don't drive hubby insane or myself for that matter when he's driving. He has a nasty habit of hugging the centre line when he drives and it scares the shit out of me. So what I don't know won't hurt me...
Glad you and pocket Edward enjoyed your trip.
@JJ - "I had to check myself from punching a little old lady in front of me when we were checking in" Fuck sake! Friggin hysterical. Maybe you should have just "winged" her probably would have made you feel soo much better. haha
ReplyDeleteOhh I love dancing and singing my friggin head off! But especially like to dance off beat to really piss people off. Especially the ones they are really in the groove with that I've got the beat face then I start clapping and dancing all out of beat and they look at me mortified, like I just ran over their cat and then they really have to concentrate to get the beat back. I friggin love that! Yes, I know, I'm sick but it's so hysterical. haha
I'm with you on the roadkill stuff, it makes me heave everytime. Then that's like a chain reaction and then everyone in the car does it, thank frig the windows are tinted. Bloody fun!
Mini-E on finally on his back! Woohoo! Yeah baby!
But seriously, so glad that you had a nice time.
:D
Sounds like u and mini-e had a good time, even with ML there, lol.
ReplyDeleteand yes NH bikers r def unique in their own way, i know a few.
-can't dance
-random falling ( or almost) while walking
-Talking to random people at a bar
-chilling in a meadow
-"paranoid" passenger in the car
hrmm at least a few hits on ur Bella meter this weekend
my word verfication is Laturi, doesnt it sound liek it could be a french or italin coven or somin?
I love the paranoia with the shot ....." heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'
ReplyDeletehaha! totally relate. I grew up in NYC but call Maine my home now. I still have those moments.
oh how i would have loved a pic of you & ML dancing. Am I the only one who wants to catch a glimpse of ML?
I am glad I checked in before bed! I am still laughing!! I agree, your Bella-meter was off the charts this weekend. I am a tad envious - I spent this weekend camping - in a tent. And there was not even a vampire or wolf to keep me company. Just two pissed off dogs and my hubby who did not fit in our tiny tent, but tried anyway.
ReplyDeleteDriving with ML could be worse. My hubby likes to turn all music off and have "QT Time" (quality time). aka: hours of not-able-to-run-away talky talk time. I prefer to put on some good tunes and escape to my "happy place" and very happy situations usually involving Robward in some fashion. But nooo, hubby wants to talk and talk. ugggg...
Genuinely nice people bother me the most. They are always the ones with the dismembered bodys disolving in an acid barrel under a tarp in the garage.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note I can't dance for shit. But once I've had a few glasses of liquid courage (aka tequila)I don't seem to care anymore.
I have no freakin idea why, but I could not stop laughing for a minute when I saw the Edward meadow pictures. Made of plastic, but still so expressive!
ReplyDelete@ HoplesslyAddicted ~ u just described something most woman would kill for.......... but FUCK NO not us twitards!!1 i agree on a long trip id like to be left to my ipod and fantasies of robward.... unless i can somehow have acess to twi-smut to read.........
ReplyDeleteI bust a move a la "Elaine" from Seinfeld!
ReplyDeleteI say if you got flaunt it! ;)
There is something scary about overly nice old people!
:/ They have motive and a twinkle in their eye!
Antler lamp FTW!
@Track 10--That was totally what I was envisioning the "Elaine" from Seinfeld. Ha!
ReplyDelete@JJ--You kill me girl. I love that you asked to take photos of PE doing the ceremony. You are dedicated my friend.
Oh JJ you really need to come to the Pacific Northwest where there are some real mountains :) The White Mountains got nothin' on the Olympic Mts. and Cascade Mts. We could hike to Goat Rocks Wilderness as mentioned by Edward. I have been to NH and, yes, it is absolutely beautiful. So glad you had a nice trip.
Now, how is that fondle fone holding up?
"I don't dance. I flail. the chick... prefers not to embarrass the shit out of herself."
ReplyDeleteYou really are Bella!!!
I just love that you asked ML to take shots of Edward at the wedding.. and I love his reaction too - paled visibly whahahahahaaaa
Glad you didn't dissapoint though - love the pics of Edward in the meadow... how appropriate!
JJ!
ReplyDeleteI agree—you are the love child of Bella+Elaine (with a dash of Newman's paranoia).
And as for the bus incident, in which you almost went cliff-diving (SEE? More evidence of your Bella connection!): Are you sure the bus driver wasn't the dementedly kind, probably murderous older male, who, along with his accomplice wife, bought you that debilitating shot, and was finally trying to finish you off?
By the way: My verification word is laymfic. Okay: is my fic (i.e. my edwardcentric blog) lame? Or should I interpret this as "lay me fic" (i.e. my ROBcentric blog)?
jajajajaja JJ i'm glad you had a great time!!! my fav quote: more vodka! ish a wedding!!! been there, donde that. seriously, what is it about weddings??? i always get wasted! welcome back! =)
ReplyDeleteI live in NH....we heartily welcome Twitards and lil' E anytime. Besides the lack of helmets, don't forget NO sales tax, and NO income tax (and the cheap booze you've discussed before). Live Free or Die, baby!
ReplyDeleteOh JJ, you never fail to amuse the shit out of me! Glad you had an awesome time up north (or as we say it here in Maine, up noth!) I'm fucking dying over this...
ReplyDelete"I heard 'we're going to drug you, drag your inert body back to our cabin in the woods and torture you until we bore of your orifices and find a new victim. Then we'll dump your body into the river and no one will ever, ever figure out what happened to you. Muhwawawa!'"
I've lived in this pretty tame-ass state my whole life but still seem to be very leery of people and think someone is going to try and steal me! Shit, I live in the boonies and I still lock the house up like Fort Knox every night!! Must be my paranoid New Yorker husband rubbing off on me!
Now I remember why I don't read this at work (which I did early today and just now reread it to my fiance) - I had to do that very awkward silent laugh to try to hide myself - so then I just looked like I was having a spasm - probably much like your dancing;)
ReplyDeleteI think the dancing sequence is what really got me.
Oh, thank you for making my day better at work - even if some of my coworkers are now concerned about my health.
Ugh, I'm so sorry I've been sucking at responding to comments these days.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the sleeping/moving vehicle goes - my mom is convinced it's because she used to drive me around to put me to sleep when I was an infant. I've always had my suspicions that she was driving me around looking for an orphanage to drop me off at... lol.
The school bus rocked. Until we almost died.
It never once occurred to me, ever, that I might actually have a little Bella in me. However, someone once commented that my dancing reminded them of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never watched Seinfeld so I went home that night and watched the clip of Elaine dancing.
I now hate that person.
I have to admit that I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds overly nice people suspect (well, I find EVERYONE suspect but it goes double for really nice folks).
But, in our defenses (those who agree with me) every time you see on the news some story about a guy who murdered lots of people and kept their feet as souvenirs what do all the neighbors always say?
"Oh, we was the sweetest guy. So helpful and nice..."
I rest my case.
;)
"dickface meter was on low and needed a refill" - rofl
ReplyDeleteI share your ability to fall asleep in any moving object, (which is great, since I have a bladder the size of a walnut), and which is always immediately followed by SO doing some asinine maneuver with yelling at poor grandpa in his trailer or passing someone at 150mph which wakes me up. It's his technique for not getting bored. Of course I immediately inform him that we need a bathroom break and the hilarity continues.
I too am immediately suspicious of overly nice people, but I'm worse - instead of ascribing serial murdered motives to them, I just assume they have no friends, and look at them condescendingly...
I just have to agree with everyone about you having a Bella sort of weekend.
ReplyDeleteI also fall easily asleep in moving vehicles :)
Thanks for the laughs.
You know all of your trips with Mini Edward spikes my curiosity to visit those places you go to.
Then come the comments, that only add to it.
It's got me thinking: wouldn't it be nice to have a guide, something like "Mini-E voyages"... You already got the pics. I'm can see it already; flipping through the pages, thinking: where will Mini-E take me this time?.
Consider this my order to your "Twitarded Guide to Mini-E's Voyages"!!!
:) :) :)
I am the bride from that unforgettable wedding weekend in NH. JJ has been telling me about this blog for sometime. I finally have time now that the wedding is over to indulge myself in such luxurious time suckers. My my what have I been missing! I do love her recap on the days of edward. One comment- clearly JJ did not ask the right person on whether edward could make an appearance during the ceremony. in fact, i think i heard a squeak from him when the audience was asked does anyone object to the union of these two blah blah people. I believe i heard an objection from edward. (sigh) if only he had spoken up a little louder from jj's couture purse (and super cute dress i might add. edward is always welcome to nh with an open invitation and warm bed. ;-) Yes, ladies and gents, i did just purchase the Twilight novel in the airport on my way to Italy...............
ReplyDeletejajajajaja JJ i'm glad you had a great time!!! my fav quote: more vodka! ish a wedding!!! been there, donde that. seriously, what is it about weddings??? i always get wasted! welcome back! =)
ReplyDeleteUgh, I'm so sorry I've been sucking at responding to comments these days.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the sleeping/moving vehicle goes - my mom is convinced it's because she used to drive me around to put me to sleep when I was an infant. I've always had my suspicions that she was driving me around looking for an orphanage to drop me off at... lol.
The school bus rocked. Until we almost died.
It never once occurred to me, ever, that I might actually have a little Bella in me. However, someone once commented that my dancing reminded them of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never watched Seinfeld so I went home that night and watched the clip of Elaine dancing.
I now hate that person.
I have to admit that I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds overly nice people suspect (well, I find EVERYONE suspect but it goes double for really nice folks).
But, in our defenses (those who agree with me) every time you see on the news some story about a guy who murdered lots of people and kept their feet as souvenirs what do all the neighbors always say?
"Oh, we was the sweetest guy. So helpful and nice..."
I rest my case.
;)
JJ!
ReplyDeleteI agree—you are the love child of Bella+Elaine (with a dash of Newman's paranoia).
And as for the bus incident, in which you almost went cliff-diving (SEE? More evidence of your Bella connection!): Are you sure the bus driver wasn't the dementedly kind, probably murderous older male, who, along with his accomplice wife, bought you that debilitating shot, and was finally trying to finish you off?
By the way: My verification word is laymfic. Okay: is my fic (i.e. my edwardcentric blog) lame? Or should I interpret this as "lay me fic" (i.e. my ROBcentric blog)?
I am glad I checked in before bed! I am still laughing!! I agree, your Bella-meter was off the charts this weekend. I am a tad envious - I spent this weekend camping - in a tent. And there was not even a vampire or wolf to keep me company. Just two pissed off dogs and my hubby who did not fit in our tiny tent, but tried anyway.
ReplyDeleteDriving with ML could be worse. My hubby likes to turn all music off and have "QT Time" (quality time). aka: hours of not-able-to-run-away talky talk time. I prefer to put on some good tunes and escape to my "happy place" and very happy situations usually involving Robward in some fashion. But nooo, hubby wants to talk and talk. ugggg...
So that's why you were in the school bus, I had vision of some weird ass tour or you'd been abducted by the children of the corn... oops wrong state for that...
ReplyDeleteI'm just like you.... Give me 10 minutes in any moving vehicle and I'm out like a light. I think it's a defense mechanism so I don't drive hubby insane or myself for that matter when he's driving. He has a nasty habit of hugging the centre line when he drives and it scares the shit out of me. So what I don't know won't hurt me...
Glad you and pocket Edward enjoyed your trip.