Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Robert Pattinson is Trying to Kill Us!! With his sexiness, that is...

It's a frightening thing, those curious and often outlandish thoughts that get tossed around in both my and STY's craniums. Sometimes we start posts, mull them over, and realize we would probably be committed if we actually published them. I mean, who thinks the bizarreness that goes through our minds [well, to be honest, we're starting to suspect we're not alone...]? We should block these thoughts from our heads! Deny ever even entertaining them!

But not us. Nope, we end up posting them.

Maybe our parents dropped both of us on our heads when we were infants and as a result we have conversations like the one we had today, which involved Rob Pattinson, making out, death, and... an urn (don't say I didn't warn ya').

It all I started when I was chatting with my mom on the phone earlier today and got an email from STY...

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:20 PM
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subject: can't ... breathe...


Hottest. RPatts. Pics. EVER!!!

i've been dazzled...



I scrambled to hang up on my mother and drooled over the pictures for a few minutes, possibly squirming in my seat. After I managed to recover my composure and change my undies I shot STY an email:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

I was on the phone with my mom when you sent that:

Me: Moo, I'm telling you that they can't just arrest us because we're wandering around with a huge cardboard cut out of - oh wait. [cuts mom off] Ooooh, STY just sent me pictures of Rob Pattinson
Mom: starts laughing.
Me: [opens link - makes audible 'ahhhhh' sound] I gotta go.
Mom: [dying laughing] You guys are insane.

My god, that boy just melts panties...


STY responds immediately:

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

i actually felt something weird going on in my chest as i looked at those. i don't get it. WHY IS HE SO HOT??? but whatever. if he gives me a heart attack i want you to stalk him with my ashes or something creeptastic like that, ok?? it'll be you, my urn, and the full-size-edward cut-out documenting your epic Robward-stalk. you'd do that for me, right???


Does that bitch know who I am? I mean, duh, of course I would. It is little things like this that confirm my suspicions that we are totally, unequivocally fucking twisted in the head.

OMG, these ladies are nuts. Someone save me, please!

The chain continues:
-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

Yes, I will absolutely stalk RPattz with your urn - right after I poop in his trailer. Make sure it has the Cullen crest on it [the urn, not the poop], 'kay? Because he might not understand otherwise.

Can I make out with him while I'm holding your urn or is that too creepy?


I'm actually terrified of JJ and STY at Twitarded. This isn't just water - it's actually sweat. From fear. From fear I tell you!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

yeah sure, make out all you want. you just have to sprinkle some snarky on him while you're going at it, if that won't be a problem?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

Is that like a threesome? I guess I'm cool with that. I might freak out if you get in my mouth though. Just sayin'. Nothin' personal.

Just how imagine how nice his hair would look with a dash of ash in it...


Huh. I never knew STY felt so nice in my hair...

-----Original Message-----
From: Snarkier Than You
To: Jenny Jerkface

cool - i was totally hoping you'd go for the hair.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jenny Jerkface
To: Snarkier Than You

I figured you could get the hair and I'll take the rest - you know, nipples, fingers, crooked smile... oh yeah, and his cock.


You Twitards are sick and twisted... I like that. Wanna get wet?

55 comments:

  1. You're right, a new line, you don't push the boundaries, you obliterate them. I don't know why it surprises me that I'm shocked and sometimes have to read things more than once...lol. You'd think I would have learned by now.

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  2. OHMYGAWD I tinkled in my panties that was so funny...Cullen Crest on the urn...BAHAHAHA You r the best...both of you!

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  3. All right, you're forgiven for making me cry this morning. (By the way - my Bud-drinking sister has agreed to read Twilight for me. I'll keep you posted!)

    I had a great day and the creamy Rob pictures kept me happy too. But the f*ckin cherry-on-top was this post. God, I haven't laughed that hard in-ever! Stay sick and twisted... I like it too.

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  4. Fucking shit I am laughing so hard right now, it's making my already sore sides hurt even more! (I'm a stupid ass for thinking I could go to the batting cages after 20 years of not swinging a bat and hit 75 pitches without feeling like I just went 12 rounds!)

    OK, nearly shit my pants reading this line... "Is that like a threesome? I guess I'm cool with that. I might freak out if you get in my mouth though. Just sayin'. Nothin' personal."

    How delicious was that collection of US Weekly outtakes? I was definitely having difficulties breathing at work today after viewing them... and also got the inexplicable urge to rub my lady parts all over the computer screen (which I think would be totally unacceptable at the office although my pervert boss may enjoy it!!)

    Gawd you are a couple of funny gals!

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  5. If the urn didn't have a Cullen crest I would have to unlink you guys right now.

    Feeling so cougary right now...

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  6. I read this, and then went back and read "poop in his trailer" and all I can say is that I WORSHIP YOUR SICK AND TWISTED MINDS.

    I'm putting this in because I'm going to print it off and take it to her tomorrow: Carrie O. I demand that you read Twilight so you can joing me in this insanity. Read the FRICKIN book.

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  7. Jesus Murphy you two are funny and twisted. And I love it!

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  8. By the way, JJ - were you at work while talking to your mom, reading personal email and admiring Rob-porn? Whatever you do, do NOT lose that job!

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  9. I just got a shoe thrown at me cuz of you guys...... i guess my buddy was really into his movie in the living room and my random burst of sudden and incontrolable laughter made him mis something, and i just got a shoe flung (very hard and agressivly, might i add) down the hall into the comp room at me!!!

    JJ~ you could make a lil tray/shelf thingie for FSE so he copuld hold STY's urn!


    ......... do we could really get a cullen crest urn?? imma google it....brb

    guess not, the first google link for Cullen Crest Urn was for YOU GUYS!!!

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  10. This is fantastic fuckery!
    " if he gives me a heart attack i want you to stalk him with my ashes or something creeptastic like that, ok??"
    Seriously, you crossed the line BUT in the bestest way possible. It's like a new line, made of cool shit I haven't heard of yet.

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  11. I KNEW it!! I KNEW you guys were (mostly) just as sick and twisted as us. Phew! We're not alone.

    And, as always, we are sorry if we've mildly [completely] offended anyone.

    @IPW4F - that made me cry. But in a good way. LOL!

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  12. @Suzspetals - Ummmm, it was on my lunch break? Do you work with me?! Should I know something?!

    Ha ha. This isn't a test, right?
    ;)

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  13. OMG that last picture is a total panty changer. I think I have a new background.

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  14. Thank God we DON'T work together - the company would go under in a week! If I ever kept track of how much work vs. Twi-stuff I do at my part-time job, well, I would have to fire me, myself. Keep up the good work - you know - the work that's impt. to us 'tards.

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  15. Holy bloody shit! I actually snorted out boogers from laughing, Yuck! Really not ladylike at all! You nutty pair of moo's.

    "just imagine how his hair would look with a dash of ash in it" Jeezy Creezy Almighty! haha

    Like I said over at Cutie's - Let's all sing - altogether now remembering to "dip & clap" - Oh Happy Days, Oh Happy Daayyss, Oh Happy Days, when Rob washed, when Rob washed, washed our sins away.....

    Like I said "Twitarded the only place to be".

    :D

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  16. girls,i was begining to worry cause there was no comment on those hot hot HOOOOT pics of our beloved rpatz, i even send you an email! jajaja anyway thanks to you i spent my day drooling over the pic of rpatz at the rythm of i wanna do bad things with you!!that video generated disturbing (yet satisfying) dreams last night!

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  17. My God! I Love the dash of ash in the hair... Three some... What glorious demented minds you have!

    I love these pictures I wasted half the day looking at these from work. Yummy wet Rob.... Mmmmmmm...

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  18. he's simply the hottest sexiest guy around today !!!

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  19. Ok, I took my kids to see the latest Harry Potter and dammit. Harry's having Cedric nightmares and there he is in all his hotness. Aaah Cedric. Don't ask me why because it's just wrong, wrong, wrong but goddam Cedric, pre-Cullen is just as hot to me, in a very "I shouldn't be looking at boys in high school" way. I have thing for RPattz all clean and shaven.. but I'll take him all grungy and fucked up too! :)

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  20. @ JJ~ lol, i figured it'd make u smile tho.... i guess happy tears are good too. ..... i think we need to market those cullen crest urns, i kno here on twitarded there r alot of good ideas, i think we need to make some happen


    this has been a great freaking day... wet rob, the idea oif a cullen crest urn which means twilight will b with me in death, and chapter 50 of wide awake.... did i mention shes going to do 2 more chaps plus the epi??

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  21. Was there a line? I must have of missed it.... I always miss the line! :)

    A dash of ash, a urn, a threesome and a wet RPattz, sound like the opening line of a some smutty joke!
    "So these 2 Twitards, a urn, some ash, a threesome and a wet RPattz walk into a bar...."

    Rpattz+a wet Ramones tshirt= Track 10 is gonna have sweet sweet dreams tonight! ;)

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  22. I am so desperately in need of a local Twitard. I think I'm getting closer to bringing my sister over to the dark side, although she keeps saying things like "yeah, but I'm not nearly as bad as you". I just sent her the link to "poop in the trailer". That's the litmus test. I told her that if she doesn't think it's pee in your pants funny than she just isn't going to make the grade. I'm not completely sure just how sick her sense of humor is. We'll see.

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  23. hahaaahahahaaaaa... this whole post is freakin' awesome, but my favorite part, by far, is the rational conversation you were having with your mom about not getting arrested. LOL. I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

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  24. OMFG. Seriously. My cheeks have been cramping for the last 10minutes due to your funny ass shit! Holy crap. It hurts. It really hurts. Thank god I am alone right not or people may want to commit me.

    I love your humor! My fav every was the pooping in his trailor. Still makes me tinkle I laugh so hard.

    You guys are awesome!!!!!!!!!

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  25. fucking hysterical JJ..You had me at "Moo, they can't arrest us...." and then the ashes, threesome, i;m not wet sweaty..Thanks! I truly fucking needed a laugh. I just finished "the red line" - whoa that was an intense brutal FF..then i just saw that WA Ch. 50 has been posted. I thank you for cheering me up! danke.

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  26. Ha! Ashes in the mouth?! Ha! and Ewwwww! Only JJ and STY would have the word "urn" come up in a conversation about how hot RPattz is. I so love that @IPW4F actually googled it and it came up Twitarded--ha! Of course JJ had to get the last word in and stake claim to the cock (somebody better soon or the poor boy is going to go all Hugh Grant or something). My love meter rises again for you two (good god does everything I say sound dirty?)

    Holy fucking shit these photos nearly caused me to have to leave work today (for a change of undies of course!) Dear god what kind of irresistable sex spawn did Claire and Richard Pattinson create? The clavicalporn....the smirk....the jawporn, the wetness. The stare through the bushy eyebrows and dark lashes. OK must stop.

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  27. holy hell, Twitarded is my new bible. you 2 are made of the most awesome!!!! this post made my MONTH!

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  28. Hilarious!! I LOVE reading your emails!! And now I love you even more because I call my mom "moo" too!!!

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  29. YAY - we still have followers!!! You guys are warped just like us and I [heart] you for it... Just like RPatts [hearts] us for being as twisted as we are... Right? Right?!? [cricket...cricket...cricket...]

    It occurred to me that the jump from "warm & mushy family bonding over Twilight" to "please toss my cremains in Robward's hair" may have jolted a few of you, but I guess that's just the way we roll here at Twitarded...

    : )

    And for real I those pictures actually did something to my heart yesterday - I think I now really understand how Bella felt when she was being dazzled by Edward. I love some of those pics at least as much as I adore the GQ pics (where oh WHERE are the outtakes from that?! C'mon!!! Gimme!!!).

    I'm such a dork to behave like this but at least I am in good company - lol...

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  30. It's funny - I'm not sure there's anything you guys could say that would honestly scare me away! (Have you read some of my shit?) LOL!! Not even ashes in the mouth...

    STY - I have to agree, those US photos are amazing... I actually started feeling a little lightheaded at my desk yesterday!

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  31. Sweet Baby Jesus, you guys are twisted and funny and that is why you are awesome.

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  32. Ok, got to stop laughing so I can see the keyboard to write!

    Loved the post. Loved the warning in the beginning :)
    You are awesome!
    And, obviously, not alone....
    How can you even think we would leave you after you got us completely twitarded by now???

    I do think my mom also dropped me several times on my head but that does not, in any way, justify the sexiness, hotness, melting panties qualities this guy has!!!

    I understand you, STY, when you said something funny happened to your heart... I saw these pics of him another day and, for like 5-10 minutes, I couldn't think, remember my name, breath...
    I understood fully why there are so many "breath, Bella, breath" in the books. Gah...

    Kisses.

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  33. You guys keep the dream alive. In fact, you manage to breathe new life into it on occasion.

    I got on yesterday to watch the videos you had posted over the past week (can't view them at work). As I was about to watch, I thought to myself, I thought, "Meh, I think I'm kind of getting over this whole...[video starts]...whole...uhh..." My next moment of awareness found me on my third replay of the video. Dammit, man! What IS it about that sonnuvva?!

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  34. Take look at Letters to Rob if you haven't already. They are critiquing some of the outtake pics and one in particular is hilarious......"This one he looks like he might be a special needs class. or have one VERY short midget arm."

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  35. I looked at the US Weekly pictures right before I checked Twitarded (usually the first thing I look at after I log onto to my computer) and was thinking how much I wanted you guys to post something about them and now here it is! Amazingly, right when I started looking at the pics, a really sexy Nine Inch Nails song came on. It was like fate wanted me to enjoy the experience even more. I got that funny feeling in my chest and could not believe how freakin' HOT this boy is! Argh!
    You are guys are great, absolutely love the blog. It's like you're reading my mind and then making it funny

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  36. Oh and for the record (true confession time) I have definitely dropped both my children on their heads so there will undoubtedly be another generation of little VitaminR road sodas out there with a sick, sarcastic, twisted sense of humor.....and they already LOOOOVE RPattz because brainwashing is a beautiful thing. Sorry Rob it is just not going to end EVER.

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  37. *licks computer screen*

    there is nothing sexier than wet rob. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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  38. what does mom think about this?

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  39. Ok. Another post full of WIN. I thought it was funny...but...

    Does it make me SUPER fucked up that I really didn't see this conversation as THAT outlandish? Like I would HAVE this conversation? And that my mind immediately went, after reading the "dash of ash" comment, that it is a fabulous alternative to washing some days and most likely wouldn't have that annoying baby powder smell?

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  40. See, this is my problem with the "real" world. I think crazy things like that and even my Twilight buddies look at me like I am insane and start slowly backing away from me afraid to make sudden movements...I am glad to have an outlet where the things that I think about is considered normal...or acceptable...at least recognized that its wrong but that we are not alone!!!

    You girls rock!!!!

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  41. These pics are lip smacking good!!
    Kudos for them!!

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  42. today truly is the trifecta~ robporn, wide awake and this post. doesn't get any better than that.

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  43. You two KILL me! My name is Carol & I live in Durban, South Africa. I am 35 years old & I would like to thank you both for making me see that I am not alone in my love of all things Twilight at my age! Who gives a shit how young Rob is? There is no-one more eminently effable than his hotness himself! Although, Jacksper in the baseball scene comes a close second! I found your blog about a month ago & I read all your archives on my cell phone internet one day at work (possibly not the wisest move, since I nearly choked to death trying not to laugh too loud!) I now read you blog religiously every day, because it is some of the funniest shit I have EVER seen & I can't go one day without it. I generally have to keep some of my sick sense of humor hidden, but to find a place where people actually say some of the shit I think, is just amazing. You will find no judgement here about this conversation! I felt those same pains in my chest yesterday when I saw those pictures for the first time! Felt like I was having a hormone induced asthma attack! HOW IS HE SO HOT??? How, indeed. I've NEVER seen anything like it...I mean him. For fuck's sake! Once again, you two rock my world! Love your work!

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  44. Beyond-the-pale hilarity + flagrant displays of hottness=Twitarded awesomeness

    Also: WHAT? Chapter 50 of Wide Awake? REALLY? My lucky stars...

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  45. HOLY SHIT!! Why did I have to learn that Wide Awake's chapter 50 was posted NOW while I am at work!! I MUST remember that I am bound by the laws of ethic. I MUST NOT read smut at work, I MUST NOT read smut at work...Is it 7:30PM yet??!!

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  46. Pisser. The Sister Twidtard Conversion may not be a go. This is her response to the poop in the trailer entry...."While I found the blog post slightly scary but quite amusing I'm not sure if I qualify as twitarded :-)"

    What the eff!?. Quite amusing? It deserves an Oscar (or whatever the blog equivalent to an Oscar is).

    Frick. My last hope for creating my very own local twitard is my friend Carrie and I can't even get her to read the damn book.

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  47. @ono

    Where are you exactly? You want to know what is a REMARKABLE source for twisessed silliness? Knitters. I've taken my hobby and my perving to new levels. Trust me.

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  48. I'm in Austin TX. It's a bummer I didn't find Twitarded before SXSW, I could have been a partner in crime when JJ came down here with mini E.

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  49. {{{happy sigh}}} Yup, we all belong together right here at Twitarded!

    Sometimes I'll be sitting in a meeting at work and my mind will wander to something really bizarre and I'll do a s-l-o-w pan around the room to see if anyone is looking at me funny because they know what sorts of twisted stuff I'm thinking {for the record, nobody has ever looked sufficiently alarmed - and the would be - lol! - so I guess I am relatively safe...).

    P.S. so i actually just stopped in to read the newest comments and then when i got to the bottom ow the comment page i saw that my verification word was "subme" - "Sub Me"?! I couldn't resist - although now all I can think about is "The Submissive" - lol!

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  50. Oh, sweet mary, Mother of....

    BWAHAHAHA!!! I am all alone in my Twitardation IRL and I am SO glad that someone pointed me here. I love you both so already - don't ever change.

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  51. @ yogini ninja mama~ u lick the screen too??? lol


    @ VitaminR ~ in all honesty, i couldnt resist googleing it.... i mean the idea of a cullen crest urn..... idk how to explain how i felt about it, but i just had to know!!!

    @ JJ~ ...... and those of u still looking, check the chat box, i oput up the link to chap 50 for wide awake

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  52. @ono

    Heh. I have a girl. In Austin. You should email me.

    @STY
    I often come across the problem of "did I or did I not say that out loud" when talking about people....I at least know that my filter works around children and clients.... sort of.

    (verification - Marnisser? Not even a word. But apparently is a dude in Egypt?)

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  53. Total awesomesauce! Thank you for another trip to the store for yet ANOTHER fecking keyboard!

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  54. I just came acrossed this site today and just had to say how HILARIOUS you guys are!! I too am a big admirer of RPattz and am so entertained by your witty insights. Please promise to stay refreshingly sick and twisted!LOL...I think there are alot more of us than you realize:)...hmmm,I wonder what Rob thinks of all his fansites? (it was said somewhere that he checks alot of them out). Justine is so lucky to have met him in person...my friends and I were able to catch only a glimpse of him and he was just as handsome in real life...(SIGH)...I heart him so much:)

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  55. There is not much I wouldn't do in order to get access to that hot, wet piece of manboy eyecandy ;) But I'd be willing to take sloppy seconds if I saw you haulin' ass, draggin' your dead BFF's ashes, hellbent on a 3some. Now that's how you get it done!

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