Monday, July 13, 2009

This Is What Happens When You Let a Twitard Watch Your Place

Holy crow [ten points if you know what scene Bella hollers that in] am I glad to be back! Helloooo, dirty Jersey! How I missed your cantankerous ways!

But I missed Twitarded more. And, of course, my darling bff, Snarkier Than You.

STY is my go-to gal when it comes to watchin' my shit when ML and I go away. And by 'shit', I actually mean 'chicken'. And by 'chicken', I mean this guy...

My ferretface, Gizmo. He's stinky but adorable so it makes up for it. Kinda like RPattz...

Plus, I know I can bribe her with cheap booze for the favor. Not sure what that says about either of us but I've been in a car for S-E-V-E-N hours and my brain is fried. I think I finally got that weird car funk smell off of me. You know what I'm talking about? It smells like car upholstery, fast food, vagina-after-cardio-class and gas stations. Know what I'm sayin'? No? Shit.

[Side note - I actually tried to get STY a trinket and if she had been Team Jacob it would have been MUCH easier. Clearly, North Woodstock, NH is all about Jacob (but I suspect they aren't aware of that) because they have wolf EVERYTHING. But I figured bringing home STY a wolf bottle opener would be akin to bringing home Superman a lump of Kryptonite... Instead, I got her something that will probably give her a rash so... not much difference, I suppose. It's the thought that counts? I have good intentions and her allergies are hard to keep track of but I did my best!]

Anyway, maybe because I was high off car funk fumes or maybe I just really had to go to the bathroom, it took me a while to notice STY's mark.

You see, STY likes to leave behind a little 'I was in your house when you weren't, mother fuckers. I could have pawed through all your panties and checked your account balances but I didn't. Or did I? Muhwawawa!!' calling card when she watches the place.

Sometimes it's REALLY fucking obvious...

Other times... it's slightly more subtle. This was one of THOSE times.

Not five minutes ago I was running around the apartment with my panties in post-vacation-knot (I HAVE to do the laundry! I HAVE to scrub the kitchen counter even though we've been gone for four days and never use it anyway! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY METROCARD?!!!! You know, that sort of thing...) when I suddenly skidded to a halt right next to the coat rack that faces our front door. Because something is there that wasn't before...

The note next to the picture {drool} of RPattz reads:

The best part of this? I start dying laughing and ML calls, very tiredly from the couch, 'you're only just seeing that NOW? You need new glasses.' [note from STY: I didn't mean to rifle through your underwear drawers or check your account balances, but for the love of all things holy, where the fuck do you people keep your scotch tape?! Holy crap it took me forever to prop that shit up and I considered using gum and/or peanut butter to stick it to the wall but didn't want to stain the Patts...]

I think STY and I have finally worn the poor man down.

P.S. - One of the highlights of my trip to New Hampshire? Realizing that it's been a life long dream of mine to drink a Pabst Blue Ribbon while sitting on a mother. fucking. school bus.

Ladies, I am pleased to announce that dream has been fulfilled.

This PBR is for you, VitaminR! (And those are ML's meaty mitts holding that can up!)


  1. This post, as always is totally hilarious. Welcome back JJ!!!

  2. Welcome home, JJ! STY ably held down the fort here (and apparently there). Re: car funk - yes. And I nodded so emphatically at the list describing the smell that I think I hurt my neck.

    And now this: I've started wondering if I come here because I'm robsessed, or because I'm Twitardicted (I was going to say you were welcome to use that word if you wanted to, but I now think it sounds a little like "twitardickhead" when said aloud, so you can just leave it be). Anyway, you guys are precious and awesome, and I loves ya. Thanks for my daily chuckles.

  3. Hi, all of your posts always crack me up and I find that pictures of pocket edward never cease to amuse me!

  4. @JJ--Thanks--I just downed another 16 ouncer (are you jealous?) and thought of you with every sip--that sounds a little dirty but I am OK with that. PBR on a school bus is definitely an achievement--I am just a wee bit envious.

    How did you not notice his holy hotness upon entering your house? Nice placement STY and with no tape? The car stank must have been awfully distracting indeed! "Vagina-after-cardio-class" smell. That is freaking priceless and sadly so true. Oh the stories I could tell here. Welcome home JJ!

  5. Ahhh... New Hampshire (Live Free or Die baby!) - I like to call the gateway to the real vacationland - Maine! (LOL, just kidding!!) Did you see any wildlife while you were up in the boonies? A moose by chance? Gawd, you guys crack. me. up!!!

    OK, my verification word is: ecolit - sounds like an earth friendly part of the female anatomy!! Holy shit! Give me a break, it's past my bedtime.

  6. The only thing that picture of the PBR needed was a shot of Jim!

    I've been to NH once... there was snow on the ground in April! I quickly retreated back to the (sort of) south that is Maryland.

  7. YAY!!! JJ's back..... not that we didnt love our time with u STY, its just....well we need the 2 of u to feel all the twitardedness possible.

    gotta love the RPattz welcome home.... i need to hang my posters soon, so ill have a reason to want to come home!

  8. I was thrilled to see a new post tonight. I said "fuck ya, any post that started with a picture of a ferret is gonna be great!". I was not disappointed.
    And In case you haven't noticed, I'm truly addicted to this blog!

  9. Welcome back JJ and ML! Glad you had a nice time on the (short?) school bus in NH but even more glad you are back! Although, obviously, STY is a total pro.

    Holy Crow! In the car when she noticed the speed in which that lovely Audi was traveling, wasn't it?

    Oh! And I saw new Twi-merch in the local Barnes & Noble today and of course thought first of my two fave bloggers, wondering if you knew about it... I'm talking magnetic puzzles, ladies! Srsly.

  10. Anntastic (aka Anne)July 13, 2009 at 11:38 PM

    "It smells like car upholstery, fast food, vagina-after-cardio-class and gas stations. Know what I'm sayin'? No? Shit."

    Vag-after-the-gym???? OMG, I had to comment RIGHT THEN. Now I will go back & read the rest of the post. After I clean up the sip of water I just sprayed all over my screen...

    PS - I wrote a nice big comment the other night about you "How Do I love Twilight, Let Me Count the Ways" and then when I submitted it, it would work. And I was too lazy to rewrite it. It was so witty too. Anyway, just wanted you to know I tried...and...FAIL. Love you guys anyway!

    PSS - My verification word is "tatests" but I keep reading it as "tastetits" Gutter much, Anne?

  11. Welcome Back!!!!

    Awwww Gizmo! He's adorable!

    What the hell were ya doing on a school bus in the frist place? Love that ML is getting in on the act! Is he a Twi-guy in training?

    The vagina-after-cardio-class reference had me laughing so hard I just about fell off the couch, hubby thinks I've completely lost it.

    Love STY's devious creative mind, she can come decorate my house any time!

  12. omg you are hilarious. I'm new to the blog by way of twicrack (am also an over 30 fan) and you girls make me laugh out loud. love it!

  13. Welcome back "to where a farts refreshing NJ" JJ - dontcha just love it! haha

    'vagina-after-cardio class' Frig, I just dry heaved! haha

    Love your little critter. My friend has 3 of them and yes they stink but they are so bloody cute. I have a crazy arse beagle called Wilma, love her. Yes, we all sound like Fred Flintstone calling her in from outside! haha We did have 2stinky hamsters that were as boring as hell and of course would be wide awake at midnight and go ape shit on their wheel and wake the whole house up as they would fill the thing with food, what a bloody racket! One died and then we were left we one we renamed 'are you dead yet?!' thing lasted for 3 friggin years!!

    So glad you fulfilled your dream - brilliant! Woo hoo VitaminR! haha

    Glad you are back STY coped, but was lost without you......


  14. I'm an avid pedestrian so I avoid the car funk although I might end up with sidewalk funk or grouchiness if I have idiot encounters. Aw Gizmo is just adorable. Well I ended up with a boring word since it's stent.

  15. Damn, you dream big! School bus, PBR, and lil Eddie. That's almost, like, a trifecta.

    AND where the hell did you get the Edward blanket thing? Do tell.

    I love you guys. If only I had a RL BFF Twi-tard of my stupid smallish sister just barely finished Twilight!


  17. Welcome back! Your other Twitarded half performed admirably in your absence, but we all really meaked you (yeah, I don't know what that word means either, but it was my verification word for this post). XOXO

  18. And all is right in Twitard-vill! What's that Journey song about, welcoming you back with open arms or something...wait how did Journey get involved...

    umm does it say "Creature Of The Night" on the bottom of pattz? (drool at the picture)
    *3.2.1.... mind in the Guttt-ter!*

  19. Loved the post (and welcome back!) but what jumped out at me was "where the fuck do you people keep your scotch...

    ...tape?!" It landed on the next line and my first thought was "when did STY get classy enough to drink scotch??" Sigh. I feel like I know you girls and we could drink cheap liquor all night together. But on a school bus? Why? Is that how they travel in NH? Is it a Children of the Corn thing? I'm confused.

    Loved the poster - I won $10 on a scratcher and bought the last US Twilight mag at King Soopers on Saturday. I've convinced the 7-year-old that she's Team Jacob and the rest of the posters are Mommy's :-) - Suz

  20. what's all the stuff on the table? spell it our for me now... seeing that I don't get ANYTHING OVER HERE IN SUNNY SOUTH AFRICA... am over it.. really...

    Welcome BACK!!!

    Love your ferrit... I had a Gizmo.. in the form of a Labrador puppy. he ran away when he was about a year old and I never found out what happened to him. maybe Edward knows.... or Alice..

  21. Hi JennyJerkface!

    You always crack me up. Love the Twilight shrine. :-)

  22. Erm.. Doesn't Bella say "Holy Crow" when Edward has just saved her at Port Angeles and they are driving to the restaurant. oh no, or is it when they are driving to the meadow?? Shoot I can't think..


  23. I went to college in WERE up in the boonies! Glad you made it home ok! Bella says "Holy crow!" when Edward hears Renesmee for the first time in her belly. No, I don't have a great memory, I'm just finishing up Breaking Dawn...again. I'm a long time lurker but a first time commenter. Love love love Twitarded! Thanks for supporting me in my addiction to all things Twilight and making me laugh every day! (My verification word is "cittin"....hmm)

  24. Welcome back! and you girls just gave me some wonderful ideas for when I have to "house sit" next week for a friend of mine! (insert evil laugh here)

  25. WTHell, my veri word is "barks." No I am NOT Team Jacob!!!

    I love ferretts, but BF says they are too stinky. But I do have my two bun buns names Bonnie and Clyde (they are bonded sisters...).

    I love that you all leave surprises for one another in a Twitarded way. Kinda makes me wish I had a blog partner over at my blog....sigh

    Honestly I don't know which is better, ML aiding and abetting with mini-E pics on a short bus, or that I now have a name for the body smells that I emit after a long car ride.

    You gals are the best!

  26. long time follower of this blog first time commenter.jsut wanted ot say i love your guys' blog.i check it everyday jsut to see if theres anything new nad if theres not i re read old ones nad they still have me laughing.i looove twilight and robert pattinson which is what initially brought me here but now i have it saved in my favorites so i cna jsut come here anytime i want without having to search for it.and your blog has even led me to a few other blogs i like so thanks for doing what you husband may not understand and think im crazy nad if i happen to be reading this while my son is hungry he usually gets a sandwich or a poptart but it definitely brightens my day nad makes it better.and as usual this blog made me laugh so hard

  27. Thanks all! I really don't know what I would do without my STY - she really is the best.

    I'm hoping the next time I go away she brings Rob Pattinson to my house. THAT would be one hell of a 'welcome home'. LOL!

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  29. This delivers hilarium as usual! Welcome back JJ!!!!

  30. JJ-
    I have to ask... why the hell did you come to NH?!?! I've lived here my whole life... There is nothing remotely interesting in this miserable state. Plus, you visit when we are having one of the coldest wet summers on record!

    P.S. There is plenty of Team Edward merch in the southern half of the state (Manchester). I have my secret stash--- shhhh!!

  31. ML is a keeper! I'd like to know what he said to you while he was puttin mini E up there for ya!

    welcome home!

  32. I literally fell in my chair laughing a bit at the last section - the italicized "school" did it for me I think:)

    I was also assuming STY was going to just end with "scotch" and I was bewildered momentarily.

    Thanks for the laughs ladies - makes the day end on a much better note!

  33. Okay, sorry I've been sucking at leaving responses for you guys but I had to get this out there before I forget.

    Bella yells 'holy crow' when she's driving back from the restuarant in Port Angeles with Edward and he's driving like a maniac.

    Muhwa!! :)

  34. OMFG. vagina after cardio class. i think i just burned about 8,000 calories from a laughing fit. *dies*

  35. Hey now! Real Vitamin R is Rainer Beer! Love you guys.

  36. Welcome back! Your other Twitarded half performed admirably in your absence, but we all really meaked you (yeah, I don't know what that word means either, but it was my verification word for this post). XOXO


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