All will be explained in due time, lovies...
I was heading home from work the other day and made a quick pit-stop at my local drugstore... To the best of my knowledge, I live near the only Rite-Aid on the planet that is half drugstore and half liquor store, otherwise known alternately as "heaven" to JJ and "the best place on earth" to the lazy masses who need a place to score a bottle of wine and or tequila (or both!), a pair of flip-flops, a birthday card, Astroglide, shoelaces, a pack of smokes, and a frozen pizza ('cause you're too lazy to haul your ass to the Stop-N-Shop next door) - and THEN pick up your RX now that you've got something to wash it down with in one fell swoop - wheee! And for the record,
unlike most every other state in the continental US, Jersey has these annoying, pesky liquor laws that make it illegal to buy alcohol of any sort in any store other than a designated "liquor" store. Anyway, I'd wandered over to pick up a few things when my ol' reliable Twidar started going off... In Rite-Aid? In the shaving, dental, and eye-care aisle? Huh???
I trust my Twidar. It has been, thus far, infallible.
Kat Von Dee's probably not a Twilight tattoo? Not getting past me! Random posters at the local
craft store? I tripped over JJ to ge to them! So wtf??? I took a quick look around... I was nowhere near the gossip rags... And Rite-Aid's selection of books is generally limited to a small shelf of bodice-rippers near the check out and that odd assortment of religious-themed tomes they keep by the pharmacy - "
Chicken Soup for the What-the-Fuck-Do-You-Mean-My-Health-Insurance-Doesn't-Cover-That?!- Soul".
I was stumped. But I have faith in my Twidar, so I started scanning the general area in earnest: could it be the lavender-scented shave gel I wanted? Er, a bit of a stretch, even for my "all-things-relate-to-Twilight" ol' self... Had they started carrying Cullen-esque amber contact lenses? Nope. Was there a toothpaste in my midst promising a perfect, dazzling Twi-vampire set of choppers? Didn't see it... Mouthwash? No such luck. And I really really want delicious vampire breath more than just about anything... I'd totally buy "Cool Cullen Mint" flavor Scope in bulk if they sold it - just sayin'... I don't have halitosis issues or anything but who wouldn't want genuinely delicious, makes-you-go-weak-in-the-knees yumminess (you know the stuff I'm talkin' about) emanating from their mouth 24/7?
But I was STILL stumped. And I was just getting ready to chalk it up to an unprecedented Twidar misfire when I saw it: Twilight jackpot!! Feast your eyes upon the latest in pseudo-not-really-but-maybe-and-who-cares-anyway-'cause-it's-cool!"- Twilight-inspired goodness:
Mini-E [hearts] "Bella" blades - all four of them! He likes his lady smoooooth... [oh TwiPorn, what have you done to me?!]
Shades-E prefers the Twilight Triple Blade (with lavender-scented handles - no joke!)
...and Mini-B says "Holy mother of fuck - do you SEE the wad of plastic hair they gave me?! I look like Chewbacca under these plastic pants! Gimme the shave gel!!!" So thanks to my still-spot-on Twidar, Twilight takes over yet another part of my life! And now I get to shower with, um, Twilighty/Twitardy merchandise (they are only razors, people! Get your heads out of the gutter!) and Mr. Snarky can't even give me the hinky-eye for indulging. In his defense, Mr. Snarky has been
very tolerant of my ever-increasing pile of Twi-merch. But no, I haven't hung up any posters in our bedroom. Or bathroom. Or laundry room. Yet. Hats off to those of you who have crosses this line - JJ included! Just give me time... As in,
"the time I will now be spending in JJ's lair once those posters have gone up..."
Please please please tell me that Mini B has plastic pubes, that will make my day.
ReplyDeleteI am so stoked for you.. I can't believe you found twi-related (hale yes it counts!) merch on the aisle w/ razors and shit..
ReplyDeleteonly posters hung here are the ones in 10 year olds bedroom (yes i admit I talked her into it and bought them for her).. now if i could just get my hands on that damn stars of twilight magazine i'd have it made!
"Holy mother of fuck - do you SEE the wad of plastic hair they gave me?! I look like Chewbacca under these plastic pants! Gimme the shave gel!!!" I am laughing my ass off right now! Oh STY, you crack me up! Poor hairy Mini B!!
ReplyDeleteThat store sounds like heaven...you know for lazy ppl like me.
ReplyDeleteMini Bella is kinda fugly...tsk, tsk.
im hanging the twilight posters in my room this weekend, and if anyone asks me im juts going to tell them::
ReplyDelete"i'm re-visiting my tween years on an extended stay, to make up for everything i lacked back then"
......what other puesdo stuff have you found? me, im planning on going on a date to some itialin place that has bella in the name, i just wish my friend ed would take me, lol,
*Runs to the bathroom just to be sure* Yes, I have that merch! Hehehe . . .and here I'd been priding myself on not letting Twilight take over every aspect of my life. But now I can add showers to the list of things that are gloriously Twi'd out.
ReplyDeleteI OWN THOSE "TWILIGHT" RAZORS!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDid I buy them because they say Twilight, hell yes I did...and I liked the puuurty clolors.
Oh my bloody god, too funny STY! Can't believe they sell that stuff.
ReplyDeleteI think Bella needs an electric hedge trimmer for her plastic Chewbacca bush... Maybe she could shape it into a mohecan? Look out, Incoming! haha
Oh my fav Mary Poppins song - Supercallafragerlistic-ex-p-halitosis....... haha
Dontcha just lurv RiteAid, they have every friggin thing, I'm sure you can buy your own grandma there.
:)
random thought......... that whole frozen as like u were eternal thing, knowing its coming and having time to prepare.... wouldnt u not want a chewbacca bush down there for the rest of time? i mean that would suck!
ReplyDeleteI feel safe admitting here that I BOUGHT THOSE RAZORS.
ReplyDeleteI picked them up because they were a step above the pink cheap ones (you know the ones I'm talking about) but not ungodly expensive. And then I saw TWILIGHT on them. Done deal.
OMG-I OWN THOSE!!
ReplyDeleteI bought them a few months back(just because my legs were starting to look like a man's). Then, as I was using the "facilities", I got bored and my eye wandered........
to TWILIGHT. I yelled to Mommy dearest(who brought me to the store) "Did you see this?! Oh my God! It says Twilight! TWILIGHT!!!" She answered with a silence that said, "You really expect me to believe you did know that? Everything has something to do with Twilight."
I screamed back, "And I swear I didn't know this before I bought them! This is just a (sent from the God) coincidence!
Ahh, good times.
I have to admit that I'm happy to find I'm not the only one who came across these semi-Twi-merch goodies and scooped them up (once again, you all made me feel like I am in good company - lol)!! I mean, I'm buying razors anyway, right? Usually I'll end up with the "whatever's on sale and maybe what I'm willing to share with Mr. Snarky" stuff but not this time!
ReplyDeleteAnd, er, truth be told, I have a thing for lavender. REAL lavender. And while I hate, hate HATE most perfume, I still have some insane desire to create my own "Smella Like-a Bella" scent: lavender and freesia and whatnot [note: the "official" Twilight perfume smells like pee and was a massive disappointment]. There. I admitted it. And WOW am I ever nuts. And... who wants some if I concoct the perfect blend??? [note: smitten-with-your-scent vampire not included. but you never know, right?]
: )
Wow...your Twidar is impressive! I haven't seen those razors but you can bet your ass if I had, they would have definitely been coming home with me :) And I love Rite-Aid, their Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream is so yummy! If you haven't tried it I strongly suggest that you do!
ReplyDeleteYou killed it again. If you notice all the hits from salinas, ca. On your state..... It Iz I, I must confess. Now I need these razors since I own a shadesward. Twimerch connection is everywhere, haVe u seen the Ghiridelli twilight dark chocolate or the Godiva official twilight chocolate with the f'ing apple on the package? Yes, it does exist.
ReplyDeleteOMFE! STY I think I have officially fallen for you. Just when I think you and JJ can't top yourselves you, well, you do top yourselves.
ReplyDeleteIn Washington State, where I reside, there is no such thing as a liquor in a drug store--your references to this have riddled me with jealousy. I seriously heart drugstores for all their drugstore goodness--combine that with liquor--holy crap I would be in heaven. My BFF and I have been known to spend hours at the local drugstore hanging out in each and every aisle. I may live in the state in which Twilight takes place but I might just trade that for the availability of liquor in drugstores.
BTW--it is totally intentional marketing in my book in regard to those shaving products. They know we will buy it. I just bought Seattle's Best Coffee Twilight blend for obvious reasons. When I got it home I realized it is freakin' decaf dammit! Oh well, it still gives me a smile every morning when I see it in the coffee cupboard. One day I will use it for some guest in my house and then I will smile again.
"Chicken Soup for the What-the-Fuck-Do-You-Mean-My-Health-Insurance-Doesn't-Cover-That?!- Soul". You kill me! I work in healthcare and have to see these books all the time. Oh you kill me.
STY--I heart you and all your shaving product goodness! Sorry for all the love but I just had three glasses of wine. Oops. Isn't it Friday yet?
You are definitely not alone with this „we-buy-nearly-everything-when-the-name-Twilight-appears“. Whenever I´m out for shopping, even shitty small supermarkets, I have my eyes open in the hope to find something. I didn´t buy razors for a long time but now I´ll go and see if we have them also here in germany...
ReplyDeleteI just have one question: Did Mini-Bella knew that she´s putting her arms around shaving foam ??? I mean, she probably doesn´t know what this is, after all she´s the one who forgot (!!!) to shave her fucking legs before the night with Edward !! I still cannot believe that. In addition, it´s unbelievable that Alice didn´t even try waxing Bella for the wedding...
STY it's amazing how your twidar never fails.
ReplyDeleteI'm also converting to the all-is-twilight-related-religion... The other night I picked up a new night cream I've had bought some time ago and this huge stupid smile appeared in my lips... It's called twilight cream! Honestly.
Only at twitarded can you understand why I smiled!
ok, so 1) Maryland has those obnoxious ass liquor laws too you have to go to a liquor store to get any kind of alcoholic beverage. There is a royal farm (a ro-fo as we call them) 5 minutes drive from me that sells beer/horrible selection of wine, however there are two liquor stores and a bar a five minute walk (even better!) that have wonderful selection of microbrews mmmm. :)
ReplyDeleteand 2) where the hell did Mini E get those awesome sun glasses!!? Mine didn't come with any? I guess you had to buy the two doll set?
just another thing we DON'T get over here.
ReplyDeleteI think we must move to the US so that I feed my Twiness properly.
Wonder what my hubby Edward.. um I mean Mike.. will say?
STY, when you create the perfect blend, sign me up for a bottle or three. And PA has the worst liquor laws, but now I'm in VA and can get beer and wine in the food store...yay! And mini Bella...yeah, that hair...did you notice you can spin it all the way around her head? I can't really say anything else good about her.
ReplyDeleteoh man... I totally do the same thing. twilight is everywhere! Including in your local hippie-mart.
ReplyDeleteOh STY:
ReplyDeleteI am a little worried for you! Any razors that have been named after klutzy BELLA are surely acquired from the factory floor—the dangerous rejects, the deadly irregulars.
Girl, you will slice yourself up with those! They will make Bella's gushing "New Moon" paper cut look like, well, a paper cut!
*Bella Razors perhaps conceived as a companion product to Twilight Band-Aids?*
@STY - Remember how oblivious I was when you picked me up and threw me out of your way to get to that gigantic poster of Edward's nostril in the craft store? (Sooooo dramatic this morning, deal with it)
ReplyDeleteWell, this morning I decided to tackle the porcupines that are growing under arms so I went into the closet to grab a razor and...
Yup. Soleil Twilight. Right under my nose. You super twidar makes up for my complete and utter lack of one...
As for those liquor laws, NJ still has 'blue laws' which prohibit the sale of alcohol on Sunday. WTF?! How are we supposed to cope with up coming week if we can't have wine?!
Thankfully bars will sell beer and stuff (known as 'take out').
@STY - Remember how oblivious I was when you picked me up and threw me out of your way to get to that gigantic poster of Edward's nostril in the craft store? (Sooooo dramatic this morning, deal with it)
ReplyDeleteWell, this morning I decided to tackle the porcupines that are growing under arms so I went into the closet to grab a razor and...
Yup. Soleil Twilight. Right under my nose. You super twidar makes up for my complete and utter lack of one...
As for those liquor laws, NJ still has 'blue laws' which prohibit the sale of alcohol on Sunday. WTF?! How are we supposed to cope with up coming week if we can't have wine?!
Thankfully bars will sell beer and stuff (known as 'take out').
Yep - saw those at Walmart not to long ago and "secretly" snatched them up - laughing my ass off all the way to the cashier. My husband spotted them and promptly said, "What the fuck? I can't get away from Edward, anywhere!" no, no, honey you can't.......
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... gonna have to go out and see if I can find me some of those razors.
ReplyDeleteUp here in Canada you can only purchase liquor in either a government liquor store or a cold beer and wine store. I'm jealous that you can get your liquor in a drug store that would be heaven.
I have made my own intoxicating scent body wash. Casteel soap, glycerine, honey, aloe, tea tree oil and then for the scents: freesia, lavender, rose, and sandalwood.
You are hilarious, hilarious, HILARIOUS. I am sitting at my desk, at a law firm, laughing. I have bookmarked this page.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteYep, it's only a matter of time before Twilight takes over every aspect of my life, but I'm going slowly so that my hubby doesn't catch on. It took awhile before he noticed the Mini Edward and the framed Peter Facinelli autographed pic in our living room (I'll admit, he's a bit dim sometimes), but I'm still trying to hide my fan-fic addiction. Would I draw the line at buying STY's "Smella Like-a Bella" scent? Hell no...
ReplyDelete~Sue (from San Diego, where you can buy liquor everywhere 24/7 - woo hoo!)
I'm not gonna lie to you. I bought the Suave Strawberry Shampoo crap. For obvious reasons.
ReplyDeleteAND I have ALWAYS wondered about the shaving of Narnia post vampire rebirth. Thank you, STY, for addressing this.
Sue (from San Diego, where you can buy liquor everywhere 24/7 - woo hoo!)
ReplyDeleteLol Sun! I'm from SD too and I'm trippin' out that other states have laws like these. I can't imagine having to go to special stores or not buying alcohol on special days...*shudders*
@ Jenny Jerkface.... ugh MD has that rule too, liquor stores are closed on Sunday's the only places you can get them are restaurants/ bars that let you take package goods... There's one near me that actually attached a store to their bar and the geniuses make a killing!
ReplyDeleteMay I share a Twilight moment? No? Stiff.
ReplyDeleteWent to a business meeting. Got introduced to one of the attendees. Justine Cullen!
Do you know how hard it was not to show any kind of reaction to her name. Especially when I was itching to let out a, "Coooooooool".
My room looks more like a kids room than my 12 yr old daughters lol. And while I am with JJ in that I will never get a pic with the lovely RPatz, I did get to go to Vampire Baseball in Portland this last weekend and now have framed photos of me w/ various members of the cast. Those actually out number the framed pics of me and my husband....
ReplyDelete@ Mrs Vanquish........ thats exactly the point i was sorta making with the whole being hairy in ur fun zone for all of fuckin eternity
ReplyDeleteEr, maybe the people at Rite-Aid just don't like JJ (she IS surly...) but last time I checked you CAN buy booze in NJ on Sunday. I think the law is you can't buy/sell/serve booze in NJ before NOON on a Sunday. So JJ, either get those mimosa fixins on Saturday night or wait 'til after 12:00 to get your brunch on, ok?
ReplyDelete: )
I think I'll have to check them out myself since looking like Chewbaca isn't good. That does sound like a heavenly store. I'm used to being able to get booze anywhere but no here they have stores where they sell only that.
ReplyDeleteyou so funny!
ReplyDeletewhere did you get the shades for PE? need some.
Hee hee. STY, what your pics lack in focus, they make up for in originality... the shower mini-E one is great. And your Twi-dar has proven extremely sensitive.
ReplyDeleteBic is obviously up on their demographic... their marketing director is probably reading twi-porn right now. You go, girl, wherever you are.
Y'all totally crack me up! DH just asked me what the hell was so funny, but I know I couldn't begin to explain it so he understands the humor.
ReplyDeleteBTW, where I live in Alabama, no alcohol sales on Sunday, even in restaurants and bars. Needless to say, the bars are closed that day.
Okay, I was just about to head off to bed when I decided to see what's going on over in Twi-land.
ReplyDelete@fragilelittlehuman - NO Sunday sales? At all? Now that's bad. At least we can still buy booze in bars and restaurants. And, for the record, there are only a few counties left that still instill 'blue' laws. Thankfully, we don't live in one. LOL!
Duuude, liquor laws in other states? I had no idea.
ReplyDeleteOut here on the left coast in good ol' California, alcohol can be found ev.ry.where. Drugstores. Grocery stores. Farmers markets. 'Cause that's how we do. :P
How did TwiLand turn into a liquor law pissing contest? Ohhhh, that's right - it's Twitarded and there are no rules.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I moved back to Colorado from Calif. a few years ago, and seriously, my only hesitation was that CA had booze just inches from the produce and no smokin' in the bars. But I did it, and they cut out the smoking in Colo. the next year and just a few months ago FINALLY knocked down the Sunday liquor sales blue law. (You still can't buy a car here on Sunday, though, cuz you'll go to hell!) How the hell do states with rabid sports fans support no liquor sales on game day??? That's my 2 cents, and yes I'll be looking for the razors tomorrow. (Or should I wait for Sunday?) - Suz
SNY, great article. I too find it amusing to find a way to relate everything to Twilight.
ReplyDeleteMy radar was on a few weeks back when the fam was cruising thru Sears (exciting life I lead !) looking for vacuum bags. I was drawn to a Kenmore washing machine (huh?) and grabbed a pamphlet. Got home and hubby was browsing thru it (why?) and he yelled, "this is the washer or your dreams!" I hate doing the laundry so it is very unlikely that any washer will excite me, but low and behold the washing machine comes in a beautiful blue color called "Twilight" Might just have to buy a new set now :)
Hmmm... gonna have to go out and see if I can find me some of those razors.
ReplyDeleteUp here in Canada you can only purchase liquor in either a government liquor store or a cold beer and wine store. I'm jealous that you can get your liquor in a drug store that would be heaven.
I have made my own intoxicating scent body wash. Casteel soap, glycerine, honey, aloe, tea tree oil and then for the scents: freesia, lavender, rose, and sandalwood.
@STY - Remember how oblivious I was when you picked me up and threw me out of your way to get to that gigantic poster of Edward's nostril in the craft store? (Sooooo dramatic this morning, deal with it)
ReplyDeleteWell, this morning I decided to tackle the porcupines that are growing under arms so I went into the closet to grab a razor and...
Yup. Soleil Twilight. Right under my nose. You super twidar makes up for my complete and utter lack of one...
As for those liquor laws, NJ still has 'blue laws' which prohibit the sale of alcohol on Sunday. WTF?! How are we supposed to cope with up coming week if we can't have wine?!
Thankfully bars will sell beer and stuff (known as 'take out').
Your blog is hilarious!
ReplyDelete