I love belt buckles. I suppose that seems like an odd proclamation, right? I mean, most people would say they love the beach or they love gettin' their salad tossed but me, I love me some belt buckles. Of course, if I had a thing for belt buckles one would make the natural presumption that I wear belts often. Er, this is not exactly the case... Far from it, in fact. You see, I'm not exactly a pants-wearing kinda gal. This may come a surprise but I get all squeaky-happy and giddy whenever I put on a pretty dress. Me wearing a dress is like wrapping up a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in taffeta and putting a shiny bow on it: it might look all gussied up but it's still the same cheap shit underneath it all.
This is the belt buckle that started my obsession:
A girlfriend gave this one to me for a birthday where the celebrating began with shots of whiskey and ended in a strip club. Every time I wear this belt, I think back to that night and wish I remembered what happened. Seeing as how I didn't wake up in prison or have unexplainable physical injuries (UDI - Unidentifiable Drinking Injury, for all you squeaky clean types), I can only assume both me and my belt buckle had a really fucking rockin' time.
Moving on - this was my next purchase:
The picture blows [STY's note - er, yeah it really does - i can take a better pic with my phone for fucks sake] [JJ's note - Yeah? C'mon over, donkey nuts and try][STY: oh YEAH?! I'll do that... er, tomorrow...] but it says "Man's Ruin" and has some dice and a naked chick. If I had designed this myself I would have added an arrow pointing south, but I'm thinking it was probably designed by a woman because if it was made by a man I'm guessing it would just have a vagina and a wedding ring on it.
I'm a big fan of wearing this gem to family functions. It's quite the conversation piece. The only problem with this buckle is that when I sit, the aforementioned wine barrel spills over and this sexy lady gets gobbled up by my muffin-top (what a horrible way to go...). Don't feel too bad for her, though - she gives as good as she gets, because I end up getting a weird bruise pattern on my belly from this buckle that looks, frankly, fucking gross. But fashion over function, bitches.
There is some story behind this next one but I don't know what it is:
I only liked it because 1 Trick sounds slutty and I like slutty things (see belt above).
I don't own this buckle [yet] but I'd really like to:
You see, all the other state belt buckles have howling wolves or soaring eagles or majestic trees on them. Not Jersey. Nope, Jersey has a bunch of fucking buildings. Oh wait, is that an elephant in the top right corner? Elephants are animals!!
That's Lucy. She's (wait for it...) a building. The only animals that live in New Jersey are the bi-pedal jerks known as humans.
Hang on, folks, there is a twi-point to this diatribe. Where were we? Oh right, back to Twi-Crack. So, I was getting a hankering for belt purchasing when I scrolled down through some more of her posts and... wham! I saw this gem and, yeah, had a full-on "I-want-I-want-I-WANT-SCREEEEE!" moment:
THAT monstrosity is the "official" Volturi belt buckle (you know - the one that Stephenie Meyer described all the thousands-of-years-old members of the Volturi wearing to keep their jeans hitched up??? No??? I don't remember that part, either...). My first reaction was 'where's my credit card?!' but then I sat back and thought about it for a minute... Do I really want to sport a Volturi buckle?
First of all, 99% of the people that I would come into contact with would have no idea what the fuck this is. Which means those nosy twat flaps would ask. And I would have to explain. I mean, how high is this on the dork-o-meter because I'm thinking 'through the roof'...
Don't get me wrong--I'm generally shameless but I just may need a pair of brass knuckles to go along with this buckle. I can only imagine the conversation this thing might start:
Hipster at a bar: Great belt buckle! Where did you get it?
Me: Uh, I ordered it online.
Me: Errr, Amazon. Go to the Twilight official store.
Hipster: Twilight? Is that a new fetch brand of ironic clothing?
Me: [choking on cocktail in pure astonishment] No! The movie!
Hipster: You mean, like the stupid vampire movie? You're wearing a belt buckle from a teen romance movie?
Me: [slipping fingers into "official Volturi brass knuckles"] Yeah, gotta a problem with that?
Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it would go down, but still...
I'm torn, I have to admit it. It's ridiculously tacky and that's both a plus and a minus. I know ML would die of embarrassment (and possibly STY, too [STY note (again) nope - i wanna borrow that gloriously hideous thing] ) so that's another mark on the plus side.
I've been mulling this bullshit over all day. I think I finally just realized what the deal breaker is.
Why is the Eye of Sauron on the top of this belt buckle? [STY note - I'm sorry but one more note: is it just me or does the the Eye of Sauron look like a frightening, fiery, exploding vagina that is staring right at you?!? (JJ's note- WTF?! Stop leaving notes!!)]