Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Volturi Belt Buckle - I Want it! I Think...?

I'm going to go ahead and blame Twi-Crack for this post. When I was scrolling through the blog roll I caught sight of her post about KStew's Runaways belt and that got me wanting a new belt buckle...

mine mine mine mine mine

I love belt buckles. I suppose that seems like an odd proclamation, right? I mean, most people would say they love the beach or they love gettin' their salad tossed but me, I love me some belt buckles. Of course, if I had a thing for belt buckles one would make the natural presumption that I wear belts often. Er, this is not exactly the case... Far from it, in fact. You see, I'm not exactly a pants-wearing kinda gal. This may come a surprise but I get all squeaky-happy and giddy whenever I put on a pretty dress. Me wearing a dress is like wrapping up a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in taffeta and putting a shiny bow on it: it might look all gussied up but it's still the same cheap shit underneath it all.

More importantly, dresses hide my beer gut (more aptly known as "the wine barrel" since I don't imbibe beer regularly) in ways that pants (and the belts that would presumably hold them up) can't. So, yes, I like belt buckles but don't often have the opportunity to wear them. I am more of a collector... A belt-buckle aficionado, if you will.

This is the belt buckle that started my obsession:

I got yer' royal flush right heeeere...

A girlfriend gave this one to me for a birthday where the celebrating began with shots of whiskey and ended in a strip club. Every time I wear this belt, I think back to that night and wish I remembered what happened. Seeing as how I didn't wake up in prison or have unexplainable physical injuries (UDI - Unidentifiable Drinking Injury, for all you squeaky clean types), I can only assume both me and my belt buckle had a really fucking rockin' time.

Moving on - this was my next purchase:

The picture blows [STY's note - er, yeah it really does - i can take a better pic with my phone for fucks sake] [JJ's note - Yeah? C'mon over, donkey nuts and try][STY: oh YEAH?! I'll do that... er, tomorrow...] but it says "Man's Ruin" and has some dice and a naked chick. If I had designed this myself I would have added an arrow pointing south, but I'm thinking it was probably designed by a woman because if it was made by a man I'm guessing it would just have a vagina and a wedding ring on it.

I'm a big fan of wearing this gem to family functions. It's quite the conversation piece. The only problem with this buckle is that when I sit, the aforementioned wine barrel spills over and this sexy lady gets gobbled up by my muffin-top (what a horrible way to go...). Don't feel too bad for her, though - she gives as good as she gets, because I end up getting a weird bruise pattern on my belly from this buckle that looks, frankly, fucking gross. But fashion over function, bitches.

There is some story behind this next one but I don't know what it is:

I only liked it because 1 Trick sounds slutty and I like slutty things (see belt above).

I don't own this buckle [yet] but I'd really like to:

You see, all the other state belt buckles have howling wolves or soaring eagles or majestic trees on them. Not Jersey. Nope, Jersey has a bunch of fucking buildings. Oh wait, is that an elephant in the top right corner? Elephants are animals!!

That's Lucy. She's (wait for it...) a building. The only animals that live in New Jersey are the bi-pedal jerks known as humans.

Hang on, folks, there is a twi-point to this diatribe. Where were we? Oh right, back to Twi-Crack. So, I was getting a hankering for belt purchasing when I scrolled down through some more of her posts and... wham! I saw this gem and, yeah, had a full-on "I-want-I-want-I-WANT-SCREEEEE!" moment:

THAT monstrosity is the "official" Volturi belt buckle (you know - the one that Stephenie Meyer described all the thousands-of-years-old members of the Volturi wearing to keep their jeans hitched up??? No??? I don't remember that part, either...). My first reaction was 'where's my credit card?!' but then I sat back and thought about it for a minute... Do I really want to sport a Volturi buckle?

First of all, 99% of the people that I would come into contact with would have no idea what the fuck this is. Which means those nosy twat flaps would ask. And I would have to explain. I mean, how high is this on the dork-o-meter because I'm thinking 'through the roof'...

Don't get me wrong--I'm generally shameless but I just may need a pair of brass knuckles to go along with this buckle. I can only imagine the conversation this thing might start:

Hipster at a bar: Great belt buckle! Where did you get it?
Me: Uh, I ordered it online.
Hipster: Where?
Me: Errr, Amazon. Go to the Twilight official store.
Hipster: Twilight? Is that a new fetch brand of ironic clothing?
Me: [choking on cocktail in pure astonishment] No! The movie!
Hipster: You mean, like the stupid vampire movie? You're wearing a belt buckle from a teen romance movie?
Me: [slipping fingers into "official Volturi brass knuckles"] Yeah, gotta a problem with that?

Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it would go down, but still...

I'm torn, I have to admit it. It's ridiculously tacky and that's both a plus and a minus. I know ML would die of embarrassment (and possibly STY, too [STY note (again) nope - i wanna borrow that gloriously hideous thing] ) so that's another mark on the plus side.

I've been mulling this bullshit over all day. I think I finally just realized what the deal breaker is.

Why is the Eye of Sauron on the top of this belt buckle? [STY note - I'm sorry but one more note: is it just me or does the the Eye of Sauron look like a frightening, fiery, exploding vagina that is staring right at you?!? (JJ's note- WTF?! Stop leaving notes!!)]

If all else fails, I'm getting this belt buckle because it's about as close as I'll ever get to having RPattz near my lady bits...


  1. Hilarious and true. LOVE.THIS.POST.
    Thank you! @sculfy

  2. i'd rock the voturi belt buckle, but im pretty sure id feel a lil guilty

  3. Bwahahahaha! JJ...your lady bits want RPattz. Get the belt buckle. Hey, ya never know..maybe the belt buckle will whisper sweet nothings to your ovaries too?! See? It's a 2 for 1 deal. =]

  4. The EYE it's watching me!

    Ok seriously... Volturi Brass Knuckles, I think JE and I would add that to our things we'll end up buying category. Also I think they should make a twilight pepper spray called "venom" useful for warding off attackers or crazed twi-teens.

  5. JJ.. You make me fucking laugh so hard each time I read your posts. K, first the whole obsession with belt buckles. Too funny and my husband loves belt buckles too if he didn't look like a gay caballero here in Hawaii, I'd let him wear them. 2) for some reason I can picture the whole showdown in the bar of you wearing the Volutri buckle. I have a visual and I'm just cracking up at that. 3) Yes that whatever it is, Gem I suppose on the Voltori buckle looks like an angry vagina. Like angry as in you need to rush to the hospital, angry. Ouch! I heart you guys in a non lesbian way! Thanks for making me fucking crack up after a long day at work.

  6. Oh crap that reminds me.....

    The little something I'm going to include in my package back to you.... Muhahaha....

    Trust me your lady bits are going to get real up close and personal with the loverly Robward's face ..... Very!

    Evil Grin... Rub Hands Together...

    JJ I think you should get the belt buckle, it would be a lovely addition to your collection.

  7. i'm fucking smiling here...
    The hipster at a bar convo was LOL..
    hey where the Fuck is that Elephant in Jersey? never saw it there...AND I think you just might have more memories (that you just might remember) with Rpattz as an accessory. Nighty night Twitwardeds.

    (Hey JJ - when is the next chapter gonna drop?)

  8. You so have to get it, and to be honest, I want it! You should say its an "official sorority buckle." 1) will make ppl think its mysterious 2) will make ppl secretly want it too

    Official Sorority Buckle- quoi? you ask... Yes the official I fucking love robward/twilight and anything therefore related. No need for embarassment. They will ask "what sorority?" And you'll say "The Volturi." If they don't get it(believe me they will wish they had it) and if they do get it (believe me they will wish they had it!)

    Side note: I love the "Eye of Sauron" being a angry, fiery, exploding vagina. That makes me want it even more. No wonder hobbits, all other men, and creatures were terrified and rightly so.

    @Team_six pack: I love the "venom" idea! Thats awesome.

  9. LMAO!
    That's sooo mad!
    Hmm, you really should get that belt buckle ya know. Then you can show it off to all us Twitards. Who the hell cares if no one but us know what it's about?
    And screw the people in the bar, Just tell them that the alcohol ran out or something and you'll have them crying into their martini glasses.

    LMAO! Twilight Pepper Spray is an amazing idea! People should really send these to the companies that make the Twilight merchendise! I'd love to see that on the shelves.
    Though I'd probably have to get in imported from the states... Ah well :P

    I'm still thinking Volvo should release the Twilight car with pictures of Edward all over it... I really do

  10. First of all, I nearly fucking spewed coffee all over my (shiny new) work computer when I read this...

    "This may come a surprise but I get all squeaky-happy and giddy whenever I put on a pretty dress. Me wearing a dress is like wrapping up a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in taffeta and putting a shiny bow on it: it might look all gussied up but it's still the same cheap shit underneath it all."

    And JJ - what about the Cullen Crest belt buckle?? I'm emailing you a picture.... ooooh, pretty!

  11. Mmm All I can think about is "RPattz" and "my lady bits". Lol and again it's going to be one of those day....

  12. @venus~ isnt it always one of those days??? i mean cmon now, the mere mention of rpttz turns ne day to something...... differnet? hehe

    my veri word is jersper..... is that jaspers cousin???

  13. Do you know what we call Pabst Blue Ribbon here in Montucky?

    Pork chop in a can.

    Thought you'd like to know.

  14. Just tell the Twi-ignorants that you are a delicate flower, and the "V" stands for virginity. That ought to get 'em thinking!

  15. Too freakin' funny. I LOVE the Volturi brass knuckles imagery--oh the merchandising possibilities! JJ I totally think you NEED that belt buckle--there is just no question about it. If the 'Man's Ruin' bruises the wine barrel imagine the bruising pattern you will get from the Volturi belt buckle? Who cares right? If you are not satisfied with any of these why not just make your own custom version here You could have your logo on one...where is that credit card anyhow?

  16. @VitaminR OH MY GOOD EDWARD! I'm so glad you put that link up. Mwahaha let the mayhem insue
    Time to go find my parents credit card seen as I have no money on mine :P

    Verification word: Ressessi
    It's kinda like Reneesmee isn't it? It's kinda weird haha

  17. omg! ........lady bits.....

    fucking hilarious!

  18. Am drying my eyes i was laughing so hard!

    One thought, however. If that last buckle (the one with ExB on it) is the closest RP will come to your Lady Jane (girls have parts, boys have bits & pieces), then logic would follow that it would be the closest KStew would be to you as well. Do you really want to SHARE Rob? Or have a 3-some with Kstew? I didn't think so. My vote is Volturi or Cullen Crest :)

    @ Red-Bella - "Trust me your lady bits are going to get real up close and personal with the loverly Robward's face ..... Very!" I AM DYING TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS?!?!?!? Robpanties? A sparkly Edward vibrator? It's killng me!

  19. Shut the damn door, you for seriously used the term "lady bits". I'm pissing my pants... LLL squirms when I use that phrase!

    Oh, and the Eye of Sauron comment puts a whole new spin on fire crotch. Love, love it ;)


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