Tuesday, July 28, 2009

When I Get Fired, I'll Have More Time For Twilight!

Funny, this doesn't look like the fastest route to unemployment...

I know I have mentioned before that my Twi-life and my "I am a corporate lackey professional" life get uncomfortably close on occasion... Today, there was not one but TWO massive collisions - WHEEEEE!!! Remain in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened, people - there's turbulence ahead and it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Let me preface this by saying I know that I should know better. I have borne witness to some poor schmo accidentally emailing his resume and cover letter - intended for another company, natch - to the entire sales team. He and his xerox-box of office-y worldly possessions were escorted out the door faster than you can say "Better him than me!"

But I've had my moments... You would think I would have been chastened by the scare of a near-miss last week when I was responding to a particularly saucy chain that JJ and I were bandying back and forth at lightening-fast "hit-one-wrong-key-and-you-career-is-dead" speed and realized in the nanosecond before my finger plunged down on the "Send" key that I was cc-ing everyone in my department. And my boss. And my bosses boss. Oopsie! But did I learn my lesson? Nooooooo...
The problem, I think, is that I am not meant to be a multi-tasker. I am a one-thing-at-a-time kinda gal and when I try to throw a bunch of balls in the air, they inevitably come careening back down at me. And nobody likes getting smacked in the face with balls.

The first incident was semi-innocuous... I replied to an email chain what I had going with a colleague in IT with a reply that had intended to send to JJ...

To: NOT JJ
From: Snarky @ work
Subject: not what I intended...
can you do a "congrats yoshi/jessica/wtforks!" post and link to vid now?
oh and we need at least a fse pic or two tonight if you tweeted a teaser...
To: Snarky @ work
From: NOT JJ
Re: not what I intended...
Snaaaarkyyyyy... did you have a 2 martini lunch?--if you did and didn't invite me I'm going to have to delete all your work. LOL, you're too funny.

Now, this is someone I know well enough to nod at when we pass in the hall, but that's about it. And we mostly nod because she accidentally sent me an email a month or so ago that wasn't particularly flattering to a colleague (although it was funny!) and definitely wasn't meant for me. So I kinda had a "Get Out of Jail Free" card on file with her...

To: NOT JJ
From: Snarky @ work
Re: not what I intended...

oops!!! nope, no liquid lunch today, but I wish I had! maybe it's not too late?
I guess we are even now...
: )

p.s. you'll have to take my word for it, but that email would have made complete sense to the person I intended to send it to - haha!

Inexplicably unphased by this incident, I went on to this whopper of a faux-pas later in the day. Because why keep your Twilight-related fuck-ups limited to internal email when you can sent them to your clients and really mix things up?

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Subject: how can this be happening?!

We're having a "who's celebrity crush is hotter" contest right now at work. Somehow Rob is losing...

To: JJ @ work
From: Snarky @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

Um, you DO know how to use google image, right? because he really shouldn't be losing...

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

Apparently not? Ptthhhp. All my coworkers are blind...

To: JJ @ work
From: Snarky @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

wtf?! who's the competition???

To: Snarky @ work
From: JJ @ work
Re: how can this be happening?!

Beckham.

And here was my reply to that [Becks vs. Robward? Really? I'll show that lil' #&*^#!...] - Only instead of sending it to JJ, I sent it to a client I was emailing back and forth with as we were scheduling a conference call:

From: Snarky @ work
To: DEFINITELY not JJ!
Subject: [something I definitely wasn't discussing with you!]:

oh give me a break - have you ever heard him speak? sounds like a total pussy... deal-breaker!

Huh. I realized what I had done a split-second too late [and don't bother doing any of that "recall email" nonsense - there's no saving yourself at this point and why send people five frantic emails indicating you are desperately trying to recall your email and subsequently making yourself look like an even bigger twat?].

I was aghast. And potentially unemployed. I hadn't spoken to this client in years but I used to talk to her frequently [nice re-introduction, no?], so I sent a fervently apologetic email, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone to call her. I could feel the flush on my face and I don't think Bella has ever been any redder. I can state with definitely that I don't work with any vampires; there was so much blood pulsing along the surface of my cheeks that I would have been too irresistible - trust me - if Jasper were nearby, I would have been a goner... and at that moment, I would have thanked him for putting me out of my misery...

Thankfully, despite the fact that she works for one of my company's biggest - and most conservative - clients, she had a sense of humor about it. I figured there was no point in digging myself in deeper by blurting out that I had been in the middle of an email convo with my TwiBloggy bff defending Robward's panty-melting crown and just apologized profusely. Although she wasn't exactly surprised that it was me when her phone rang, she told me that she had been in the middle "trying to make that smiley face thing" to send back to me (you know, "that smiley face thing" that I can type in my sleep because I am probably the most unprofessional person in the world to ever inadvertently infiltrate corporate America?)...

Anyway, no more non-work-related email from the work addy me (I am REALLY slow, but eventually I catch on...).

I think JJ said it best - and most succinctly - when I relayed the incident to her later in the evening over a much-needed super-sized adult beverage:

oh .my. god. I think we need to stick to gmail.

P.S. JJ, you couldn't successfully defend "the precious"/RPatts against Mr. Posh Spice? Really??? Sure he fills out his tighty whities nicely but still...

Balls in the air? What balls in the air? Ok please just don't speak...

48 comments:

  1. Oh STY. I feel your pain. I have done that enough times only because I type fast and you know how Outlook will find the names for you when you type the first letter. Well, I kept emailing the wrong Kristi and was definately talking shit about a vendor. Luckily the wrong Kristi knows I'm a potty mouth and thought it was funny. Now I slow down before I hit send. BTW, love my Robward but Damn you for posting Beckham. Come on, look at it! It's sooooo lovely.. It's magical...

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  2. ugh. you sort of just relayed the dramatic, i-think-i-might-vomit-because-i-may-get-fired events of my day. and if i were to get fired, well, i don't know. bankruptcy sounds nice. i don't know what the fuck i'd do. seriously. anyway, i had a similar scare at the office this afternoon. i hope it's blown over, but uh, yeah.

    i still feel like vomiting. eeegaaads!

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  3. p.s. beckham makes me wanna vomit also. he's too pretty. not endearing or sexy to me. meh. i like my men a little scruffy and rough around the edges.

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  4. Beckham is a twat. He was always a twat and he will always be a twat. The fact that he knows he's good looking and presses the point just adds twatage. (How many times can I use the word "twat" in reference to Becks? Let's count...)

    RPattz wins because 1)He's the most beautiful piece of man-cake EVER (this from a 30 year old woman who's never gone fangirl on ANYTHING) 2)He rocks the shy, awkward boyish charm. 3)He's not waxed from head to toe. I like 'em furry. (Eww, Becks!)

    All that being said, defend his panty-melting crown with every fiber of your being - just not your job. If you get fired, how will you purchase more twi-stuff with which to engage in ridiculous shananigans? Priorities!

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  5. "Nobody likes getting smacked in the face with balls"--ha! ha! Teehee!

    Admittedly, I am a pretty big soccer fan (played for 20 years before three knee sugeries did me in)and I, for a little while, had a thing for Becks....until I hear him speak with the pussy voice--totally ruined it for me. Rob wins all the way, hands down.

    E-mailing from work is quite dangerous indeed. Fortunately I have not e-mailed the wrong person..yet but I do live in fear of Big Brother coming down on me because I work for the state and all. It's not like I am looking at porn or anything....just blogs with posts with links and photos of dildos and headbands for vaginas. I tried to stay away while at work but I have no willpower and am waiting for the knock on my door...ah, but, wait, this is why I installed one of these mirrors on my work monitor http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/accessories/2940/ At least I will see them coming and I can hopefully make a run for it.

    Veriword 'labially'--definition: Of or relating to the lips or labia. I kid you fucking not.

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  6. Outlook is the evil of all evil. You start typing out a name and Outlook thinks it can decide who you want to send shit to and automatically puts someone in the address box. Don't worry, we all do stupid work shit every now and then.

    Which actually brings me back to.. THIS MORNING.. when I practically walked in on my bosses boss in the bathroom, IN HER STALL. Not even a lie.

    Moral of the story: If you're not a mindless, soul sucking corporate drone who's only concern is to fuck people over and make money and who LOVE Robward/Twilight, then you're bound to fuck up just a tad. =)

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  7. Whew! So glad I work for a small, family owned biz (although if my boss knew how much time I spend in between real shit on... well, you know.) I got 'WTF' enough to put a Rob graphic back on my wallpaper and some punk salesman asked me if I had a crush on that guy. To which I icily replied, "I'm a little old for crushes. I prefer to think of him as my mid-life crisis. Now go the fuck away." Okay, that last part was in my head or I'd be celebrating unemployment with you!

    Beckham? Ewww... he needs a tad more body hair and a lot less tats. Nah, I still wouldn't do him.

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  8. Oh, and Beckham sucks. RPatts wins.

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  9. Oh STY! I feel for you! It's been a while since I've worked in an office, but I recall that feeling well (and have done similar things on personal emails btwn friends) Good lord my stomach was clenching just reading your story & recalling some of my own near-misses! Gmail sounds like a GREAT idea :)

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  10. Panty melting cown. Oh I lurve that title, and will use it in future posts on our beloved.

    I almost sent a "ah, fuck her" email to my coworker bestie and almost forwarded it to my boss, it was about her! Doh!

    And puhleeze don't stake me in my sleep cuz I think metro becks Is hot! He has a hidiously sounding accent and it does kill it for me, def not as silky smooth as sparklypants.

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  11. If life will get better in terms of us getting more post from you I don't know... But no, you're right, you should definitely keep your job and stick to gmail only. We will miss all the fun but well, your job kinda comes first.

    @suzspetals Can I steal your mid-life crisis reply? Although I don't know if 30 is old enough for that excuse of RPattz all over my monitor.

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  12. Oh yes and how did Becks end up winning? Me no comprende. He's too... "clean"

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  13. I'm typing this while looking at the picture of Beckham and I'm finding it a little repulsive. For a second I tried to picture Rob's face on the body and had an involuntary EWWWWWWW response.

    Just didn't work. I can see it working with him in a pair of boxer briefs with a cig hanging from that luscious mouth. Now that gets a nice MMMMMMMM response!

    STY, I'm glad you didn't get canned. I guess "Fuck it, shit happens" wouldn't necessarily work in a professional environment. Good thing you have us.

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  14. Becks knows hes good looking. Hes cocky as fuck about it, and thats dose nothing for me at all. If that wasn't bad enough he has to open his mouth and sound prepubescent (gross).

    There is something to be said about Rob's nonchalant and shy-yet-confident attitude about his looks that makes him so god damn sexy.

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  15. @Bereth - Hmmm, too old for a crush and too young for a mid-life crisis? I'd feel bad except for the fact that you're MUCH closer to Rob's age than I am. Oh, okay... you can use it:-)

    Remember, pictures of RobPorn are much saner than sports cars and bimbos (the male mid-life M.O.) - Suz

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  16. The last line would have made me spit out my coffee (if I had gotten it yet!) "Balls in the air? What balls in the air? Ok please just don't speak..." LOL!

    And seriously, if Rob and Beckham were both in my bed and I was forced to kick one of them out, waxed boy Becks would find himself face down on the floor so fast.... well, you get the picture!

    STY - After your email oopsy, I feel fortunate to not work in a corporate environment... eek!

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  17. My co-workers have started sending me links to pictures of Rob. Seriously. It was kind of funny at first and you can't really blame them since I have a giant poster of him in my office. But I too am waiting for the powers that be to perk up and wonder what the fuck is going on. Whatever...better to have loved and lost, right?

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  18. Hmm.... now those are some nice rock-hard abs c: How many are there? 20? Even his pecks have abs!
    ohbby~ ;p


    http://lookatmybackpages.blogspot.com/

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  19. Ok, So I'm still waiting for a decent picture of Rob in his underwear... because the one that circulated before "claiming" to be a picture of Rob in his skivvies was a total let down! First of all, he was fully clothes, secondly he looked like he was given a wedgie in the locker room. NOT sexy.

    As for Mr. Posh Spice (you know who wears the pants in that relationship) I love looking at him, don't enjoy listening to him speak or watching him play soccer so much because it's pretty underwhelming in my opinion.

    p.s. maybe "balls in the air" is why he talks like a London silly nanny they're a bit squished up there...

    P.p.s.. I'm with Latchkey Becks ass would be on the floor faster than Posh's cheek bones could cut glass -- and that's pretty damn fast I've been told.

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  20. Oh, Snarky. It looks like a lot of us feel your E-tarded pain. I, personally, haven't done this at work. No, no, I had to really knock it out of the park by doing something like this and sending it to a CHURCH GROUP. *sigh* Might as well let 'em know the real me early on. I'm pretty sure I was at the top of the prayer list that week.

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  21. LOL OMG if somebody accidentally got me and my Twi-friends emails...it would be BAD. I don't think they could handle all the crudeness and profanity. We're pretty awesome that way. LOL

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  22. Of Course I'm sitting here at my work chair reading along - spewing "Oh s#it...oh noooooo....(glance around..back to the post)...LOL) and so on...
    STY: could so relate to...."hit-one-wrong-key-and-you-career-is-dead" spee. At least the client used the pu$$y word (OK I told u I'm at work and I'm trying not to get flagged by the IT Nazis with my potty typage). Love all your Twilight refs!!!
    And I shuddered for your ex-coworker - That was an IMMENSE screw up! and... I ask for permission to reuse: Robward's panty-melting crown. ???

    Great post ! (to be reading at work).

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  23. @ Vitamin R - ... see them coming! love it!!


    I have so been there. And even tho the job scene sucks with 3 freaking furlough days each month - wouldn't want to be on the streets.

    Stay strong! I'm off to fashion a crown of melted panties for our boy!

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  24. Oh my god! I was reading this and getting all nervous for you. I think I would have shit myself there and then.. God, your heart must have been in your mouth.

    As for Becks - Nah! Looks like he's wearing a cup in those underpants either that or he's forgotten to take out the cardboard.

    Oh and his bloody voice sounds as if he's holding his nose, bless him.

    But and I say but, he is supposed to be very generous with giving alot to charity, especially kids ones.. So can't bust his balls in the air for that! haha

    :D

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  25. Yup, becks is fugly. Far too manscaped for my liking. The first time I heard his voice I couldn't stop laughing. Rpattz can def melt panties. Yummmmm.

    WV: comers - too. many. jokes!
    I nearly spit my lunch out at my laptop (also not a good thing to do whilst at work)

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  26. im having sucha shitty day, and that post just cheered me the fuck up!

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  27. Snarky here, checking in during an official lunch-timey moment - for once - so i can't stay long...

    i am glad (and horrified for all of us) that so many of you have been there/done that. or at least came close and relate. i REALLY need to be more careful!

    that said, this day has been very absent of JJ and i think i may be going through twi-bff-withdrawal - i keep looking at my inbox, noting its utter lack of anything good and/or entertaining, and sighing despondently... {{{sigh}}}

    but, at least for the moment, i still have my job, and am mulling over the knowledge that it could have been much, much, MUCH worse. i mean seriously, wtf have i been thinking, with these kinds of conversations on worky email?! eek! got a little cocky there for a while i did...

    ok back to my "amy's" frozen meal and the grind. WHAAA!!! (yeah yeah better send the whaaaambulance, stat...)

    : )

    oh and for the record, that incident yesterday did almost kill me, definitely took several years off my life and added a few gray hairs, and made me feel like someone had attached my insides to a cinder-block which they then pushed over a cliff. ack... i think i spotted a new wrinkle or five this morning...

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  28. OK, I just had a client meeting and I went all Twilight on her... letting my addiction just spill out onto the table like nobody's business! Oh the horror! She was really cool about it and even entertained the thought of reading it! So if I accomplished anything with that little slip, I may have recruited one more 35+ over to the dark side. Mwaahahaha.

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  29. OK - so I've been a "lurker" for months - quietly laughing and enjoying the debacle and shenanigans that go on here - but i ACTUALLY SNORTED OUT LOUD today - and a lot, I might add. That post could have been written by me - not as witty, of couse. Thanks for hurting my stomach muscles everyday with your posts. You two ROCK!

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  30. Oh too funny, I just finished my Amy's frozen lunch reading this post... and I too have mild horror stories that make me squirm to remember.

    You got away with it, enjoy that drink, you need it. Mr. Spice is slick as hell and doesn't do it for me either. Not even close. R. Pattz wins that smackdown hands down.

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  31. The first person to get their hands on the Burger King crown MUST rise to the challenge of turning into "The Panty Melting Crown" - you ALL know it must be done!

    word verification = "crypin"

    "crypin' hell the day sure does drag when I don't have JJ, you guys, and Twi-bloggy good times to keep me entertained!!"

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  32. Oh my you've all been making me giggle like a jerk all day. I've unfortunately been up to my tits in auditing stuff.

    Not having STY to email back and forth just sucks. Waaaahhhh!!!

    That being said, I have sent stuff to my boss's boss that was intended to go to STY so I know how she feels. Except that no one in my company is particularly conservative and they just chalked it up to me being stupid and getting caught.

    Oh, and I've already staked out all the BKs in a five block radius of my job and plan on hitting as many as I can. When do those crowns come out again?

    I've also enlisted the help of coworkers who are, amazingly, quite willing to indulge me in my addiction. (Is that even English? WTF? I'm going home, I can't take it)

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  33. once the crowns come out, im gonna get a bunch and take them to the paintball field, and tell the ladies that play there to pick one, then proceed to light-the-fuck-up any one wearing a team jacob one!!! Team Edward for the win!!!!


    ooo and yes i play paintball

    i guess cutting datfood out of my diet wont work untill i get my hands on these crowns...... do u think they'll have twilight inspired kids meal toys?? id buy kids meal then..... shit i sumtiems still do

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  34. @Anon - Manscaped? I LOVE that word and must find a conversation to casually insert it into asap!

    STY & JJ - I'm sorry for the work trauma and audits but, um, where the hell are FSE photos? I saw a tease the other day and can't wait to see what your twisted little minds come up with! (And I know I'm not the only one.) That, and I really don't want to look at Becks' unnatural bulge any longer. Blech.

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  35. @Suzspetals - [hangs head in shame] I know! We're dying to, ahem, play with FSE but things have been crazy. We promise, promise, promise that we will get something up soon.

    Either that or they will be a whole lot of finger pointing going on.

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  36. "will get something up soon"...? Next to the Becks photo? C'mon! Now I must go find Kill Pussycat video or get my mind out of the wrong damn gutter!

    PS - I'll be patient:-)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Yesterday I had to make a presentation and I 'almost' walked into a board room meeting with my clients (aka men aged 70+) with Wetward on my desktop...ohhh that could have end so AKWARD!! Thank goodness I remembered!

    I love that we all have plans to stock BK!!! I'm so hoping the make toys for the kids meal! I feel extra Twitard writing that last line.

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  38. So does this mean no FSE at work?

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  39. WARNING: EXPLICIT

    It really depends on whose balls exactly, would be smacking you in the face.

    I'd have to say if you were by chance 69ing a certain succulent, sexy, copper haired, 23 yr old, moonlighting vampire. You just may not mind a little balls slapping at your face all that much. Am I right? or right?

    Fuck that, I'm right! I'm going to daydreaming about that all day! Robward balls...

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  40. ohhhh noooooooooo! i accidentally sent a nasty text about someone to who i thought was a different friend. i sent the person the text was about the text message! does that make sense? well, it was EMBARRASSING to say the LEAST!

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  41. @T.I. - oh brother - yup, been there! i think i really need to use the "if your not comfortable with the idea of EVERYONE you know reading it, don't text or eemail it ('cause you never know!).

    : )

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  42. "And nobody likes getting smacked in the face with balls." .....unless those balls belong to RPatz. :p

    ReplyDelete
  43. ohhhh noooooooooo! i accidentally sent a nasty text about someone to who i thought was a different friend. i sent the person the text was about the text message! does that make sense? well, it was EMBARRASSING to say the LEAST!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Snarky here, checking in during an official lunch-timey moment - for once - so i can't stay long...

    i am glad (and horrified for all of us) that so many of you have been there/done that. or at least came close and relate. i REALLY need to be more careful!

    that said, this day has been very absent of JJ and i think i may be going through twi-bff-withdrawal - i keep looking at my inbox, noting its utter lack of anything good and/or entertaining, and sighing despondently... {{{sigh}}}

    but, at least for the moment, i still have my job, and am mulling over the knowledge that it could have been much, much, MUCH worse. i mean seriously, wtf have i been thinking, with these kinds of conversations on worky email?! eek! got a little cocky there for a while i did...

    ok back to my "amy's" frozen meal and the grind. WHAAA!!! (yeah yeah better send the whaaaambulance, stat...)

    : )

    oh and for the record, that incident yesterday did almost kill me, definitely took several years off my life and added a few gray hairs, and made me feel like someone had attached my insides to a cinder-block which they then pushed over a cliff. ack... i think i spotted a new wrinkle or five this morning...

    ReplyDelete
  45. OK, I just had a client meeting and I went all Twilight on her... letting my addiction just spill out onto the table like nobody's business! Oh the horror! She was really cool about it and even entertained the thought of reading it! So if I accomplished anything with that little slip, I may have recruited one more 35+ over to the dark side. Mwaahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hmm.... now those are some nice rock-hard abs c: How many are there? 20? Even his pecks have abs!
    ohbby~ ;p


    http://lookatmybackpages.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  47. im having sucha shitty day, and that post just cheered me the fuck up!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Oh my god! I was reading this and getting all nervous for you. I think I would have shit myself there and then.. God, your heart must have been in your mouth.

    As for Becks - Nah! Looks like he's wearing a cup in those underpants either that or he's forgotten to take out the cardboard.

    Oh and his bloody voice sounds as if he's holding his nose, bless him.

    But and I say but, he is supposed to be very generous with giving alot to charity, especially kids ones.. So can't bust his balls in the air for that! haha

    :D

    ReplyDelete

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