Monday, August 31, 2009

Twilight Fan Fiction - The Good, The Bad and The Horny

This is a public service announcement to anyone I share actual DNA with: DO NOT READ THIS POST. I'm lookin' at YOU, MnaJ and Brother Jerkface: seriously, it you read this it's going to make the next family gathering waaaaaay awkward.

Okay we've got that out of the way...

Where... the... fuck... is... that... laptop... fiction...

I've been a bad girl. [I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS! LEAVE NOW. YOU'LL REGRET IT BUT I WON'T. NO SHAME, REMEMBER?] A very naughty girl, in fact. You see, many moons ago, STY and I did this little post about Twismut and how much we loved it. Unfortunately, real life can be a real kick in the nuts and not too long ago I realized that I was sorely behind in my fan-fiction reading.

Time suckage at it's finest. Now, where is that boyfriend of mine? We need to discuss unicorns...

Oh, the humanity! Sure, I gobbled up Wide Awake faster than you can say 'unicorns' [and nearly failed a class in the process to boot] and I panted my way through The Submissive and The Dominant,but somewhere along the way that little block of time reserved for panty-saturating Darkward disappeared. Poof! Just like that, one day it was gone... And I won't lie--Dark Edward really got my motor revving. Vroom, vroom.

I totally jacked this photo from Here

But alas, my time was limited and it was a choice between reading myself into an erotic frenzy or mulling over how I would stalk RPattz with FSE and STY's urn, should she ever finally succumb to Robert Pattinson Hotness Syndrome [copyright pending, bitches], and I chose the latter. All for you folks. I sacrificed multiple daily panty changes for you peeps and I'm a selfish bitch and that's bigger than Edward Masen's cock in Clipped Wings and Inked Armor. That's how much I love you all.

Where the fuck was I? Oh right, no time for porn. Well, that shit all changed a few weeks ago. You see, ML was away on tour with his band for a month and a couple of weeks ago I found myself in front of the Mac, drooling and squirming as I completely devoured The Office. Talk about fucked timing though, since I was all alone. I swear I actually considered going down to the scary, terrifying basement and putting the washing machine on spin cycle just to put me out of my frustrated misery. At one point I feared my vagina was just going to take over my brain and the result would be me dry humping anything even remotely phallic [and yes, I briefly, very briefly consider the fucking vampsicle, dammit]. Energizer batteries may or may not have seen a sudden spike in sales this past month, that's all I'm saying. Life can be such a bitch, sometimes.

There is a point to this post besides my alluding to any masturbatory episodes, I swear. I recently got an email from one of our readers looking for good fan fiction, which sparked me to write this post. I'll be the first one to tell you right now if you're looking for a story that is toe-curling erotic, something that will make you so horny a sneeze could trigger the Big O, then I'm not you're girl. Sure, sure, I could give you a few leads, but not enough to scratch that itch.


But I know a few sluts who do. And by sluts, I mean awesome bitches ladies who have an almost frightening collection of Twilight porn.

There is Cutie over at Super Secret Twilight Blog
Ang(Amcas) from Why Not? Twilight, RPattz and Me
And of course, there is Random Acts of Rob, which has a fucking stellar selection of Rob/Twiporn. Yummmay! - [There is fan fiction for Horton Hears a Who?! I need therapy now...]
Oh, and last but certainly not least

These are the mistresses of Twiporn and I'm sure there are many more out there that I haven't even found yet. You want something that is so hot your computer at work will melt and even the HR person who is firing you will blush at what you've been reading [or stare at you like you need some serious help]? Check out those girls. Want something that will make hubby/SO wonder if you've accidentally ingested some Spanish fly? Yup, those girls.

For the sake of full disclosure, all the stories I linked to above aren't for everyone. I'm not a fluffy girl and it takes more than flowers and romance to get me hot. Hey, I'm a loud mouthed, opinionated sonna bitch from Jersey - do you really think my Edward would be nice? Anyway, that being said, proceed with caution.

Oh Jenny Jerkface, you've been a bad, bad girl...

Now, with that being said we happen to have it on good authority that quite a few of you already have either dallied with TwiPorn or have had a full-fledged very naughty affair with it - so tell us: how has fan fiction changed your life? Is your computer chair now covered with a tarp? Does your SO whimper and cup his fruit-basket protectively when you walk by, or has he taken to wandering around the house pantsless to save you the trouble of ripping them off? Have you recently purchased stock for Energizer C batteries? Has your clitoris developed a Pavlovian response to the sound your laptop makes when it springs to life? Yes? Thought so! We'd love to hear all about it - um, within reason! - in the comments!

P.S. - I have to admit I was caught up in a bit of a 'genre' when I wrote this but I forgot a fan fiction piece that I find amazing that doesn't necessarily fit the rough and tumble that I go for but it really is amazing - Fragile Little human - Breathe Me.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Twilight Merch I Want! Er, and Some That I Don't...

So I spent a little time over at Esty checking out the Twilight merchandise offerings (all 13, 644 of them) and found an amazing assortment of stuff. Some of it is beautiful and clever and well-made and I want it!! Some of it, well, not so much any of that... I'm not linking to anything here because it's not nice to poke fun and well I am totally poking fun at some stuff, but c'mon - can I really be expected to show that much self control all the time? No. I cannot. My name is not "Nicer Than You" after all, and while I might not always be a snarky bitch, well, usually I live up to my name. Anyhoo, Etsy has a search box and I happen to know that you folks are all clever enough to use it.

Stuff that made me wish I'd won the $333 million dollar mega-millions jackpot so that I could accessorize with nothing but Twilight gear:

I love this. I had one of these in my hot little mitts a few weeks back when I was at a flea market with my mom, but when she fixed a puzzled gaze at me and asked what I wanted it for, I chickened out and moved on (c'mon, Mamma Snarky - READ THE BOOK ALREADY! then I can tell you about my all-consuming passion and this blog. So please, read it, ok???).

I'm not Team Jacob (obvs) and I've still a little skeeved out about the whole imprinting thing, but if things were different, I'd wear this in a hot 108-degree heartbeat.

I love lip balm. And that's a HUGE understatement. Like some of my bloggy friends (I'm lookin' at you, Latchkey Wife!), I NEED lip balm. A friend introduce me to Carmex a loooong time ago and while I've branched out as far as brands go, I've been an addict ever since. I am fussy over my balms, but what could be better than a mash-up of my Twilight obsession and my lip balm obsession? Nothing, that's what.

Mr. Snarky might get jealous if I wear one half of this and JJ wears the other, but he would never wear it (because he's not a smitten teenager) and although JJ and I really want the "Lion/Lamb" thing, neither one of us has really come to terms with the fact that she's the sick masochistic lion and I'm the stupid lamb. But we've taken multiple "What character are YOU?!" Twilgiht tests, and it is what it is...

I don't have kids and neither does JJ, but if either one of us were to get knocked up, we'd have to come clean and credit Twilight and Twiporn.

There are tons of Etsy merchants (ok, at least two) who are offering to Cullenize you. If I ever managed to get a picture of myself that wasn't icky where my eyes weren't droopy and I didn't have five chins and a weird smile, I might consider it. Until then, I'll stick with Robward's Cullenization.

Noteworthy stuff that I might not order even if I had $333 million dollars:

You've probably seen this around recently. It's fucking frightening. JJ is going away next week and I would consider hanging this up in her house while she's away but I am afraid that the shock upon seeing it might kill her. And that would make me sad.

This is actually a Rainbow Bright doll that has been, um, revamped (ha!). It is scary. 'Nuff said.

Digitized "Spider Monkey" wall hanging??? No? Not feeling it??? Me either.

This is "Alice's Wand"- as in "magic wand" - and it comes in Bella flavor, too. I know that there is some Harry Potter/Twilight crossover, but I think this is pushing it.

This is yarn. The person selling it calls it "Edward's Hair." I have nothing to say to that.

And saving the best for last...

This is the "La Push" veil. It frightens me on many levels. I think I had one of these doll-heads when I was a kid and while I may have done some fucked up stuff to it, I never did anything this freaky to it. Or tried to sell it.

This is "Esme's veil" - those are real flowers that have been dried. Badly. And please note the jagged edge of the veil fabric. I am sure that the person who made this had good intentions and meant well, but it still gives me chills for some reason. And not the good kind.

And that's it for this episode of "Adventures in TwiMerch!" - hope you enjoyed it! It's getting late and I am going to go watch THAT long Robward video a few more times before I hit the sack in an effort to channel some VERY good dreams! And just to warn you, JJ's ML is back from his month-long cross-country band tour and I am practically dead to her for the time being because I didn't go away for a month and I don't have a penis, so be prepared for an overdose of Snarky posts this week (sorry - I will try to raise the bar a tad from here on out, but there was much sangria consumed at my neighorhood block party earlier today).

The Best 10:34 of Sunday

I'm not even going to say anything because this video speaks for itself. Oh and also because I watched it three times and now I am late for the block party that is going to be getting underway any second now outside my house and fml I haven't even started the BBQ yet of skewered up the kebabs... Gah! Thanks to "anon" for the tip!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Robert Pattinson Weekender Edition

Yay! It's the weekend again and of course it's flying by at a speed that Monday through Friday never achieve... So let's make the most of it by parking ourselves in front of our interwebs-friendly device of choice and drooling over our favorite inexplicably appealing man-crush! Seriously--what IS it with him?!? I may have to seek professional help soon... And by "soon" I mean "in two or three years after all the movies have come out and my life has fallen to pieces even more than it has already as a result of my Twilight/Robward obsession..."

First up is a video with "Scruffy Rob" for JJ and some shots of "Book-Signing Rob" for our pal Katherine [I won't call her "TT" again because apparently this is slang for "pee" in some parts - who knew?!]. Swoon...

What's that you say? You need more? Good - me, too.

I also found a great assortment of Rob video goodness over at Random Acts of Rob - this is one they link to - I can't embed it here but trust me: go watch this - it's all pics of "Rome Rob" and the creator of the video says it best:
This is a vid with nothing but Rome Rob pictures and video. I love Rome Rob he looks likes he just got shagged in the limo on the way to the festival LOL SEXHAIR

Clicky here to go! But please come back! We'll miss you!

The Lady GaGa "Disco Stick" video is awesome too (and hells yeah I wanna take a spin on that thang!) but I have to admit I am distracted by whatever movie poster he is standing in front of in most of the shots. Yes, it takes a LOT to distract me from RPattz's smoldering gaze, but apparently a guy wearing a "donut with sprinkles" costume does the trick. Maybe because I haven't eaten breakfast and I am starving at this moment? Hmmmm...

Anyway, I think that Late2thePartee is my new YouTube bff because her videos are awesome!

Check it [warning! panty explosion alert!!!]

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Twitarded Merch - Makin' Friends (and Possibly Getting You Laid)

Meet Gigi.

Gigi's person emailed me after we opened the Twitarded Zazzle and Cafe Press stores for business and told me she'd ordered a tee for her dogger. I begged for pictures (I said "pretty please with RPatts on top" and everything!), and she sent me the adorable shot you see here. Gigi happens to be one of the cutest lil' scrappy dogs that I have ever laid eyes on. And I am not just saying that because she is sporting Twitarded merch, either. Look at that face!

Anyway, after Gigi hit the streets sporting cartoon Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You on her adorable self [and she is WAY cuter than us, that bitch], I received another email from her person. Apparently, Gigi and her Twitarded tee were a BIG hit on the streets of Seattle:

I took her out and about Seattle with it on yesterday evening and it was serious advertising for you, too. We had 5 people in a two block radius ask about it - and admit to - being out-of-place Twilight fans looking for an appropriate outlet. You can bet I told them all about Twitarded. My bf told me he considered giving me shit for taking the dog out in that until he saw the response.

This got me thinking...

We get emails all the time from people who have found our blog and done a happy-dance because they thought they were alone in their obsession. Some of their friends might "like" Twilight, but they don't OBSESS over Twilight. They've looked at the jug, maybe taken a token sip, but they haven't really chugged the KoolAid until it dripped down their chins and made a mess. Not like we all have! So when Gigi received such an onslaught of attention from people who clearly must be obsessed themselves in order to have their Twidar set off by our logo, it occurred to me that the doggy tee is kinda like the Twitarded secret gang sign. It's like the blue bandanna or the red bandanna thing or wearing one side of your pants rolled half-way up your leg [I still have no clue what that last one means].

This dog is totally cuter than Jacob! And probably older than him in dog years...

And yes I would like the Twitarded merch to be so popular that I have fuck-you money and can walk away from my day job [not that I have to worry about this because I am sure that my office pool won the $333 million-dollar Mega-Millions jackpot but everyone's too excited to have called me yet. I can wait.], but this isn't about that. It's about using your cute little pupster to let others know - oh so subtly - that you're one of us. Hell, I don't care if you hand-craft your own Twilight-themed doggy-tee. Go nuts. But ours is cuter, dammit. And already has a proven track-record of attracting just the right kind of attention.

Fuck it, I'll go so far as to say that if you're a single dude and really smart and don't mind slathering yourself with glitter occasionally, you should get one of these tees for your doggins, too. Because believe me, most of these Twitarded gals have been reading Twiporn nonstop and they could probably teach you a thing or two. Or ten, if you want to get technical. Just for the record, a secret handshake is required - but it doesn't necessarily involve hands...

P.S. Gigi's person tells me she's a rescue dog - the best kind of dog on the planet! I won't jump up onto my soapbox here, I have a soft spot for this cause. So people, please: if you are ever considering small, furry addition to your family [canine, feline, or other - and no, unshaven/scruffy Robward doesn't count] please please PLEASE adopt from a shelter or rescue organization and give a doll like Gigi a forever home.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Alex Meraz is All Angry and Shit

Dear Alex Meraz:

Before I saw this video you were just some dude I'd never heard of who is going to play Paul in New Moon [don't take offense to this - I am absolutely oblivious to most everyone in general].

After watching this fifteen-second clip of your angry, testosterone-filled, jowl quivering, wall punching and shirt tearing, I came to a realization.

I want to do you. Bump uglies. Sexy time. Ride your pole. You know, you can plow my field, whatever - you get it. Let's play cavemen together. You can totally drag me to your cave and do really terrible sexy things to me. I'm cool with that. Seriously.

I hope you're cool with doggy style. I am a wolf, after all...

I never really gave the wolf pack much thought, I gotta be honest. I've been way too busy entertaining dark thoughts about Robward to even focus on the half-naked pack of hawtness that you belong to.

One at a time boys, one at a time. Wait, on second thought...

But now you've got my attention.

Show me your six pack, Alex and I'll show you mine. It's in the fridge, next to the hummus.

For the sake of full disclosure, I don't want to hump you as much as RPattz and, given the choice, I'm taking the vampsicle over, well, wolfy wang? Huh. That sounds absolutely distasteful now, doesn't it [and I mean wolfy wang, not the fact that I want to horizontal tango with half - okay most - of the male Twilight cast]?

Anyhoo, feel free to rip off your clothes any time. Hell, you can even rip off mine but give me a heads up so I can make sure to wear something slutty from Target and not, say, Anthropologie. Yeah, I know - the whole 'planning' kinda ruins it. But don't worry - I can make up for that.

Hugs and tits,

Jenny Jerkface

Sidenote - while googling images for this post I came across information that I am 100% sure all of you reading this already know, including a picture of his very pregnant wife. I swear, if I had a cock it would have shriveled up and declared defeat at that image. I almost feel guilty even posting this.

Nope, that wasn't guilt. Just gas...

Twitarded's .25 Seconds of Fame - Reelz Channel Twilight Spotlight

If you haven't already check out this video from Reelz Channel Twilight Spotlight, in which yours trulies (along with WTForks and Twilight Moonlighter) have a brief appearance. A really really brief appearance. Don't blink - you'll miss us!

We are totally stoked that Reelz Channel asked us to participate and, because we are down with doing pretty much anything within reason to spread the bloggy Twitarded love, naturally we agreed. After a mini-breakdown over whether we'd look okay [we are so vain we really do think that song is about us] and whether we should really be putting our faces out there, we decided we're both pretty handy with make-up and what the hell, it's a big internets and if anyone we know who isn't already aware of our Twi-obsessed blogger ways stumbles across us here and wants to talk about it, they'll be outing themselves, too. Um, or something like that...

As usual, we were laboring under the misapprehension that using a webcam on the Mac would be easy. Never mind that we've never used it before. But after twenty minutes of smashing buttons and cursing at iMovie, I figured out how to make it go and me, STY and FSE were ready to go.

It was at this point that we became all serious and news-reporter-ish.

Uh huh. Suuuuuuure.

Suffice to say that there were a lot of outtakes from this little film session but we've only included a couple we thought might make you giggle a little.

Oh, and not only did we learn how to use a webcam, I also learned that I have the MOST ANNOYING VOICE EVER. For reals. I'd punch myself in the neck if I had any motivation.

[If you're at work, listen with headphones - I swear. A LOT.]

And you can all see what a saint STY really is for putting up with my loud ass. [Note from STY - JJ is the yin to my yang. Or the yang to my yin. She's whichever one is the loud & crass one to my vaguely-quieter snarky one.]

Okay, enough videos for now! Promise. Well, until we figure out how to worky the 'do your best Bella' stuff', anyway...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Twitarded in the Park - Part Deux

Since Snarkier Than You and I have managed for the most part to bumble our way through bloggy world, we've decided to expand our list of things we do half-assed and ordered a video camera to add a little... 'motion' to Twitarded.

Unfortunately our timing sucks (as usual - what a shocker!) and we had to borrow a friend's camera last week to take with us on our little whiskey-fueled adventure into Central Park. I figured this would be a piece of cake. I mean, the video camera has one button. One! How hard can this shizz be? You just pushy the button and wham! we can record all our tom-fuckery for the world to see (and by "world" I really mean Twiworld and can only hope that no one at our respective offices ever sees this shit).

It quickly became apparent that it takes more than pressing 'On' and holding up our new-fangled device to make a good movie.

Down-side: We clearly don't have mad movie making skillz. Up-side: We cracked each other up anytime the camera was rolling (or whatever it is that cameras actually do these days).

As I watched the footage from our Twilight in the Park adventure, I realized that STY and I have vastly different movie making chops. STY, for example, takes the Speedy Fucking Gonazlez approach and her footage whips you around into an acid flashback frenzy until you find yourself lying on the floor trying to figure out which way is up.

Oh, and she kept videoing my tits. Pervy, she is (And I just channeled my inner Yoda, I did).

My approach is a more like a slow, erratic, palsied jaunt. I either need to lay off the caffeine or get a tripod because my footage bobbed, weaved, heaved, and trembled until I was about to barf into my Lean Cuisine during the re-watch. I actually had to close my eyes and count to ten to stop myself from hurling.

Combined, we're like the Blair Witch Project but without all the sobbing, begging, and snot shots. Fine, fine - there might be some sobbing and begging, but it's more like us laughing hysterically and begging to turn that effing camera off, already!

That being said, we did manage to get a few clips that we think you'll find amusing. Of course, since I'm clearly incapable of keeping my yap shut for more than a half second, this footage includes, ahem, our "commentary." And a lot of giggling [Note from STY: you giggle, I snort. I admit it]. I'm not sure how the people sitting around us didn't kick our asses. It probably had something to do with the fact that while the crowd (which was substantially larger than it appears in the footage we shot) was very respectful, there was a lot of whispering, tittering, and occasional outbursts of clapping and "Whoots!"

Or maybe it was the Twitarded sign, the lingering scent of whiskey and STY's stink eye, cuz' that bitch can give some amazing dirty looks.

First of all, the only reason this picture is reasonably stable was because I was resting the cameras on my knees. Unfortunately, I was also wearing a dress which meant, if the girls in front of us decided to turn around [and it was dark out but it wasn't pitch black], they would most definitely would have gotten an eyeful of the Jerkface va-jay-jay. Hey, we risk everything to bring you this shit, ya' know?

See above for reason why footage was relatively stable.

Not sure if we mentioned this but there was a big ass sign that proclaimed 'no booze, no cameras, no video cameras' at the entrance of the theater, which is why I mention people tackling me or something. In general STY and I view 'rules' more as 'suggestions' we should maybe take into consideration and draw our own conclusions, rather than hard, fast laws. Thus, the booze and film clips.

As we've said before, we had a blast last week and the only thing that would have made it better would have been if you all were there!

Then again, not so sure I could afford the bail...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Awkward Moments at Twitarded: Mommy (not a)Jerkface vs. The Sparkle Peen

As you all know, Snarkier Than You and I had a blast at Twilight in the Park. A little too much 'blast' if truth be told and I have to admit, the next day I felt like Bella after she went cliff diving and almost drowned. Everything hurt. Hell, even my hair hurt.

When I finally stumbled out of bed that afternoon, the first thing I did after guzzling Gatorade was head to the computer and check my email. Naturally I had oodles of messages from Twitter and Blogger, not to mention that usual spam telling me my penis size is inadequate [Um, duuuh] and offering various remedies for said teeny weenie. Sadly, it's very rare that anyone I know in RL [with the exception of STY, natch, who more than makes up for it] actually emails me and when they do, it's inevitably about Twilight anyway.

And then I saw the email that I should have anticipated receiving the moment Snarkier Than You sent me a cryptic-but-gleeful email last Monday saying "I know what we're posting about today!!!" It was tucked in between a Twitter message and an email from someone nice old lady in Nigeria who desperately needs my help - and my bank account information... It was the line in my inbox that stopped me in my tracks:

Mommy (not a)Jerkface ----------------- The big pink rubbery thing
Oh. Mah. gawd. I cringed. I groaned. I felt a Bella-worthy flush flood my face. I was mortified because I knew what she was referring to without even opening up the email.

What? You didn't seriously think I'd post another picture of the pink peeper, did you? Let's not start vicious cycles now... [note from STY: Is this near Clitsville?]

Finally, I took a deep breath and read it:

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface

Re: The big pink rubbery thing

My dear,

I normally don’t read your blog because you do have quite the “potty mouth”. At times I find it distressing to know that my adorable daughter has other thoughts on her mind besides her collection of “My Pretty Pony” and whatever strange things you kept in that large wooden box stashed in the back of your bedroom closet. You know what I’m talking about . . . the one covered with all those depressing poems written in magic marker, which, by the way, I never opened . . . too scary. Anyway, unlike your secret box, I do occasionally open your “blog” to check out the pictures because I find the captions amusing. You can imagine my surprise when I opened Twitarded yesterday and scrolled down to find a picture of a very large pink dildo. (Yes, I know, you told me to check with you first before going onto Twitarded.) My first thought was “Oh my goodness!!!” and I quickly closed the blog without reading it. This was way too much information and very weird.

HOWEVER . . . now I need to know. What’s with the dildo? I really liked the Twitarded coffee cup and undies but I’m confused about this other “thing”. Is this in any way related to Twilight? Is it a replica of a certain movie star’s private parts? Are you now selling adult merchandise? Did you lose your job and need money? Please clarify.

Love ya



I. Can't. Believe. My. Mom. Wrote. 'Dildo.'

I sat there for a minute, shell-shocked by the M(na)J dildo bomb, wondering how to respond, before I burst out laughing. My poor mom. Not only did I subject her to "Jenny Jerkface, the Teenage Years," but now I'm an adult and I'm STILL tormenting her by making her read Twilight and New Moon (among other things - many other things). Then I [well, STY, technically, since it was her post] traumatize her with a sparkly, faux vampire peen.

After weighing my options, I decide to call Mommy (not a)Jerkface because, in my bizarre rationalization, it will be easier to speak to her about sex toys rather than write to her about them. Unfortunately, once I got her on the phone I was laughing too hard to really get the words out, so I just told her to read the damn post and that, yes, I still have a job and no, it's not peddling sex toys. Yet, anyway.

Actually, I suppose that when when the inevitable happens and I finally get fired for blogging all day (when I am not set-stalking, anyway), maybe I could be one of those chicks who comes to your house and peddles sex toys and potions. You know-- like Pampered Chef only for your vagina? I think I know where to find a good customer base...

Anyhoo, M(na)J eventually does take a gander at the dildo post and shoots me another email:

My dear,
Whew. I’m relieved to know you haven’t lost your job nor are you selling adult doodads. My apologies to STY for not giving her credit. . .it just seemed uncharacteristic of her writing style, though it makes me wonder why I automatically assumed it was yours [JJ's note - because I'm generally far more disgusting than STY, who at least can inject a little class into her posts, no matter how dirty they are?].

You called to explain what the article was about but you were laughing so hard I couldn’t understand half of what you said. I went back to read the description of the ugh “vampsicle” but I don’t understand why anyone would pay $39.95 for a piece of rubber that can be bleached, boiled or cleaned via a dishwasher. Would a person use it for other purposes besides the obvious? Stir a pot of spaghetti sauce, pound chicken breasts into cutlets? What than? I’m mystified and totally grossed out.

The mental image of someone beating the shit out of a chicken breast with a sparkly dildo almost killed me.

P.S.@Mommy (not a)Jerkface: Don't EVER open that chest!!! I'm pretty sure that's where I left my tortured teenage me, NO ONE wants that unleashed again.

P.P.S.@Brother Jerkface [since the whole fam reads this now]: Hey--remember how you said you liked the posts I did with Mommy's emails??? Hope you loved this one - mwah!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Twilight In The Park: We Laughed, We SQUEEEed, We Had Humid Hair.

Ready?! Set?! SQUEEE!!!

Because Shakespeare in the Park is over-rated and we're obviously just not that cultured here at Twitarded, we practically fell all over ourselves making preparations when we heard that Twilight was going to be screened outdoors in NYC's Central Park. I don't think either one of us got a lick of work done, since we were too busy deciding how much booze an event like this required [answer: a LOT], what we were bringing (cameras, Mini-Edward, Twitarded buttons and sign...), and what we'd wear--which was "as little as legally permissible," since it's been disgustingly hot and humid this week on the East Coast. Also numerous options for dealing with humid hair, although in the end none of it was sufficient to battle the 99-110% humidity levels of the night. "Almost raining" and "fucking pouring buckets" were the two weather mainstays of the evening, if you're interested.

First off, it wasn't nearly as crowded as we expected, but again, the weather sucked. Did we mention the weather sucked? Yeah, well, the weather sucked.

Sunny AND raining = bad-hair-day perfect storm (so no pics of JJ and STY 'cause we're too vain).

Because our priorities are terribly skewed and liquor was not allowed, we opted to lurk outside and sip some wine while listening to the Twilight Soundtrack from the distance before entering the 'theater' space, so by the time we got there the seating options were limited. It was only when JJ and I discovered the beauty of juice bottles in which to decant our wine and whiskey that we make our way inside. Plus, we are weird and didn't want to sit in the middle so we plopped our asses down on a far corner. It turned out we were close to where they were handing out the free popcorn (Cheesy or Caramel-Oreo flavor!), which was swell.

There was a big pole in front of the screen obstructing part of the right side. Note: Edward appears on the right side of the screen a LOT. Seriously, that must be his good side and I think maybe it's in his contract or something...

Edward, is that your vampsicle sparkling for me???

In case you aren't following us on Twitter (and why aren't you following us on Twitter?!) - here's our blow-by-blow of the action. Er, up until the baseball scene, anyway, at which point I think we actually started paying attention to the movie. Or texting/tweeting got too challenging...

OME it's fracking POURING! supermassive whack-a-mole playing. never felt more twitarded than right NOW.

u can hear a pin drop. i love it!

girls next to us are eating awesome sandwiches but we snuck booze in... we win!

van smash scene still gives us chills SQUEE! & here comes carlisle!

The crowd seems very team jacob...

This movie will reach Rocky Horror level cult following & we'll throw mushroom ravioli at the screen...

we officially have the giggles and crowd went effing nuts w/ kissing scene. time for vamp b-ball!

Mini-Edward is sad that nobody came over to say "Hi!" to us...

We looked like drowned rats at the end of the night but we were so happy and smiley as we sauntered out of there that random dudes on the street were STILL offering to buy us drinks. Er, or maybe we looked so heinous that we had "easy mark" written all over us? Either way, we told said drink profferers to piss off because JJ and I are both paranoid bitches at heart and when someone says "Can I buy you ladies a drink?" we both immediately summon a mental picture of them waving roofies and duct tape at us. But that's just us.

After pausing to dry off a tad and refuel with the best and probably most expensive pizza and french fries that we've ever had in our lives at some swanky bar/restaurant right outside the park, we hopped a train back to our home turf and met up with Mr. Snarky & friends. We did an extremely entertaining but perhaps ill-advised mini bar-crawl for nightcaps and ended up dashing out of the rain and into a nightclub as some point. There was live music and salsa dancing - or dancing of some sort... Let's just say that people were movin' fast and they looked like they knew what they were doin'.

As always, good things must come to an end and it was time to gather our livers from the dance floor and head home...

I was gonna say (smugly, mind you) that Friday night was one of those nights where I woke up the next morning and did an inventory of everything we left the house with and was pleased to see that anything we didn't imbibe made it back safely (yes I know I am too old to be having nights like this - but it isn't often so it's okay, right? Right?!).

And then it hit me: where the heck did I leave Jenny Jerkface?! Because she did not come home with me... Against my better judgment, I let JJ tango off with our friend Ward (who happened to be wearing JJ's glasses on his head) into the streets of New Brumfis. Needless to say, when she didn't answer her phone Saturday morning afternoon, I grew a wee bit concerned.

Eventually, JJ came to life and called me back. And told me she lost her glasses. As in, the glasses she wears every single day. Um, you know, to see and stuff. The ones she is nearly blind without?

Now, I'm never one to say 'I told you so' but... I told her not to buy whiskey!

We eventually located the missing spectacles on the floor behind her front door, where they apparently had fallen out of her purse as she was rummaging for her house keys. Thankfully, we spotted them BEFORE we did a backtracking semi-walk-of-shame to see if we could find their crumpled remains on the sidewalk somewhere. Good times!!!

P.S. To the folks I practically threw some Twitarded buttons at and then, upon hearing that you've read our blog, turned to flee but only ended up slamming into JJ who was inexplicably standing an inch behind me (and for the first time in her life, all ninja-quiet), I'm sorry. We were both so giddy by the time the movie ended that we were shoving buttons into people's hands like they were magic beans or something. I can only assume, since you read our blog, that you are well aware of how socially inept both JJ and I really are. I'm glad we had the opportunity to show you that in real life.

P.P.S. Turns out one of our gang--Ward, to be precise--is a dancing MACHINE. Like for reals. I was drinky enough to get out on the dance floor (STY only dances when really really looped) and do my impression of Elaine from Seinfeld while he did a precision bump-and-grind in circles around me that would have put the Pussycat Dolls to shame.

I dance like THIS. On a good night.

It made me realize why it was Ward who sent out the "Do Your Best Jagger"/"Jagg-Off" YouTube clip last year in an email entitled "Oh it's ON." Because he would have totally won and he could probably do a better Mick Jagger than Mick Jagger. This is totally random and completely non-Twilight related (and the Long Post Police--aka JJ--are totally gonna smack my wrists - HARD), but when I re-watched this on Saturday while sipping Gatorade and pondering how much breakfast food it was going to take to make things right [answer: full fry-up], I nearly peed myself laughing and knew I had to share.

Monday Morning Funny!

Gah - it's Monday again - already! - how could this happen??? The weekend was a bit of a blur after our rainy-but-awesome viewing of Twilight in Central Park (more on that tonight, so check back later!), but we thought everyone could use a lil' ha-ha to get them through the day. OK, for the sake of full disclosure, this video is probably only funny enough to sustain you through lunch-to-mid-afternoon, but it appears that there is scads of yummy on-set action to be had out there if you're into that kinda thing, so I'm sure we will all find a way to keep ourselves all blissed-out and Twilighty for yet another day... Oh and hopefully the music in this video won't make you hate me as much as that gawd-awful bit from yesterday (sorry for that - bit of a trade off, vid. vs. music; I may have made the wrong choice - lol). Um, the music here is not NOT annoying, but you'll live and it probably won't send you into a seizure.

And with that somewhat lack-luster endorsement aside (we're not really running on all cylinders here at Twitarded this a.m.), please to enjoy!

Can't see the video? Find it HERE.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

And On The Seventh Day, There Was Eye Candy

Since we've been on a Robsten bender this week and also because we're still working on our "Twilight in the City" recap [um, and trying to figure out how to give our livers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation], I figured I'd track down a suitable video for a weekend installment of eye-candy. I know, I know, we usually stick to non-Kristen stuff here but I gotta admit, she's growing on me despite myself...

The song's a little peppy/poppy for my taste (especially since it's still morning here in Joisey - or at least it was when I started this) but the title and lyrics had me cracking up!

[Note from JJ: That song is the most annoying noise I have ever heard. I went into a fucking seizure because of it.]

And even though you have to wade through a LOT of really awful crap to find a genuinely good RobPorn video (plus I got sidetracked watching Joy Division and Nouvelle Vague videos), I took one for Team Twitarded and tracked down the video below. It might be one you've seen before because it's by the talented petitbiel (or just "Biel") who has made some amazing RPatts-a-licious vids (including the three-part "100% Robert Pattinson Content: Pure Unadulterated Sexy Bliss" series that we all know and love), but I hadn't seen this one before. And besides, I love the Radiohead song she uses and I figure it kind of atones for the song in that first video. I hope.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Sister Snarky Breaks Down Robsten*

I don't even have a FACEinHOLE pic of me & Rob, and Sister Snarky does! Twiconversion complete!

So it's been months since I FINALLY succeeded in converting my sister into a Twitard and I am pleased to report that her obsession is currently on a level that I would say is on par with mine, minus the blogging. Yay! And sooner or later she will realize that her life won't be complete until she starts to at least leave comments on the blog or maybe even writes something officially for us, but in the meantime I will just continue to post her emails in what I am sure is some violation of sisterly trust (in my defense, anyone who knows me and knows about the blog should be aware that anything and everything is fair game and might very well end up here). I will, however, apologize for posting this on the heels of the vampsicle peen, as I am sure this is going to leave her a bit miffed (and she's already ticked because she won't be joining us for the Twilight screening in Central Park tonight - if you're going, we'll be the two redheads who may or may not be waving a "Team Twitarded" sign. We will not be sober--at all--so approach us at your own risk).

After our Robstengate post, I receive this from Sister Snarky:

I am just a a little bit mortified about how much thought I have put into the whole Rob/Kristen situation but I have been a bit obsessed as well and here is my complete uni-twilight way-over-thought manifesto on the whole situation:

I believe RPattz has totally had it for KStew since they started filming (perhaps even before, because the girl had hand in the fact that he was a fan of her work before he even met her). She totally played the "I am so not interested in you" game so freaking well I thought they should perhaps name a new Oscar category for it. If I had written a book called "The Rules (For Sluts and Bitches)" - which I should come to think of it.... but I digress - there would be a chapter called "How To Get A Really Hot Guy To Totally Want You For Reasons Even He Can't Understand". KStew might have already written this herself as she is a master at it. Here are the basic principles:
  1. Act totally unimpressed by guys complete hotness, even if it includes unbelievably gorgeous face, adorably floppy hair and outrageously charming accent - you must have borderline superpowers to be able to do this, but it is key.
  2. Don't dress or make yourself up in any way that appears like you are trying to be appealing to him (wear flannel shirts, rocker tees, Converse hi-tops, etc., be cool but not sexy - you don't need any man).
  3. Have a smart but nerdish (in a cute way) boyfriend that will make other guy crazy with wonder at how you could want that guy when you could have him.
  4. Be successful with your career or other aspirations but be very humble about it and still exude some cute and charming "quirks" like being shy or clumsy (guys think this is adorable, I don't get if for the life of me).
I am sure there are more I am forgetting, but I can't sit here all day so I am going to wrap this up... KStew played the sluts and bitches rules perfectly but then she started slipping... and this is where we get to my theory - wait for it...... OK here goes:
- KStew knew she had RPatz wrapped around her little finger and was loving it. But then the boyfriend started getting a bit sick of it and she lost that oh-so-important game piece. Next, she made some not so smart comments in various interviews, tarnishing her goofy but quietly intelligent armor. Then came the last straw: the Joan Jett haircut. That's right, we all know what I am talking about - that ugly Billy Ray Cyrus black mullet that someone butchered her with. Suddenly she finds it hard to smirk at her "RPatz wants me" image in the mirror. She starts to doubt herself. Perhaps she is not pretty enough for that demigod anymore... Suddenly things turn and she finds herself breaking all the important s and b rules. She flirts with RPatz, she must have him, she must know that he is still attracted to her... And now - in my opinion it's ruined. They definitely hooked up and all that good sexual tension is gone and I will bet my dog-eared copy of the book that you will sense this missing tension in Eclipse. She should have sat back, waited for the hair to grow back, received all the acclaim she will hopefully get for the Joan Jett movie and then, after filming "Breaking Dawn" where you know they are going to totally trick her out gorgeous for the "changed" Bella - when RPatz is completely salivating with want and you can't ruin any chemistry for your beloved fans - you take him, again and again and again.

There - that's it... in all it's frighteningly detailed glory. Just thought you might want to know...

Love you,

Sister Snarky

Hmmmm... Sister Snarky is a smart cookie and I think she might be on to something...

What do YOU think???

Oh and because some of you asked earlier this week, you can find some great shots of Robsten over at Robsten Lovers (and pretty much anywhere else you look!)!

A taste -

*Props to the original queens of breakin' it down, those Twi-crazy chicks UC & Moon over at Letters To Twilight!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

OME The Vampsicle Is Here!!! [TOTALLY NSFW - Don't Say We Didn't Warn Ya'!]

I want to show you something...

So you know you've thought about it... And now you, too, can have your very own vampsicle vampire dildo!!!

Thanks to VitaminR70 for bringing this to our attention! According to her, it's all over Facebook, but Facebook brings out my inner technophobe like nothing else on the planet, so I had been unaware of it's existence until last night... And in a remarkable (even for me!) and completely breathtaking display of poor judgment, I decided to write about it right here from the comfort of my office. Woo-hoo! Next stop: the unemployment line! All aboard!!! But it had to be done...

Want to see my cold, hard, sparkle-peen? Yes, you do.

Here's all the info from the website where you can pre-order this if you dare [you HAVE to read all the Twilight-y references! Although I have no frigging clue what Halloween has to do with anything unless you going to a nudist costume party and want to get creative...]:

Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.

You can bleach it! Boil it! Run it through the dishwasher! [ok I admit I have a problem with that last one... Sex toys and dinner plates shouldn't mix imho...] Plus it's phfh-something-free!! Er, according to the video below... I have absolutely no idea what that is but I am assuming you don't want it in your hoo-hoo.

Need a little eye candy while playing with your new sparkle-toy??? They have suggestions! Of course, I might suggest a few choice YouTube videos, your Twilight DVD, and maybe a copy of GQ, but that's me...

Tantus suggests the following movies if you enjoy The Vamp. Talk about Expert Advice!
  • The Lost Boys
  • Fright Night 1 and 2
  • Twilight
  • Interview with the Vampire
  • Bram Stoker's Dracula
  • True Blood TV Series
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Series
  • Angel TV Series

P.S. Ummmm... 6.75 inches??? REALLY?! C'mon people - don't we all think that Edward is a packin' a little more punch than that??? I demand size options! And honestly, this is still going to leave SOME people lusting after a cold, sparkly vibrator. In the meantime, you might just want to discreetly chuck some glitter in the direction of DH's junk when he's not paying attention. But if you'd rather take matters into your own hands [pun absolutely intended], order your very own vampsicle HERE.

My vampire penis, that is...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Boo Boo Stewart to Play Seth Clearwater... "Boo Boo"?!

Beep be beep beep beep - We now bring you the 'Jenny Jerkface Rants Over Inane shit' Show.

Apparently this kid has it all - chops, talent, skillz, what-have-you. And I do think he's going to be perfect for Seth Clearwater.

But who the fuck would nickname their kid Boo Boo? I mean, I know his real name is Nils or Nada or Zero or something like that but... Boo Boo? Yikes.

I know, I know, he's just a youngster, only fifteen or something like that, and I shouldn't make fun of him.

There are a lot of things I shouldn't do. But that's never stopped me before, so why start now?

Like search for this picture. I felt like a gawddamn pedophile Googling this, just for the record. But at least now there is someone who can make Taycob look older by comparison...

I'm sorry, but with a name like 'Boo Boo' the only options this kid has are acting or becoming a serial killer. I suppose we should be thankful he chose the former, though he still has plenty of time to become the latter. I can see the headlines now: "Boo Boo Bloodbath! City Cowers in Fear!"

That nickname is going to bite him in the nuts when he gets a little older and starts becoming interested in the girls. Just sayin'. Good luck gettin' laid with that nickname, kid. (Unfortunately, he's young and innocent-looking enough that even I feel bad 'going there' so I won't but man, oh man, I want to.)

How much weed do you have to smoke to decide "Boo Boo" is a good stage name for your kid? Or did that name appear to them during a psychedelic peyote-fueled soul-fucking trip? It was bad enough when what's-her-face named her fucking kid Apple but Boo Boo?

It's Boo Boo for fuck sake!! Like a scrape on the arm or a torn-off limb. That is NOT a person's name, nickname or otherwise!

I know Boo Boo is supposed to be wicked talented and will probably hunt me down and show me his karate moves but I just can't help myself.

Holy crap, someone named their kid Boo Boo.

[shakes head]

Boo. Boo.

I think even Frank Zappa is thrashing around in his grave over this one...

Leah's Not a Bitch, She's Just Misunderstood

Not too long ago I was having a great Twitter conversation with Tasha and The Danger Magnet. We were discussing our opinions about Leah and Rosalie and DM thought it might be good to do a post on it.

So she did and she was kind enough to ask me for my two cents (which is always gladly given) and I was more than stoked to comply.

I even took off my Jerkface hat and replaced it with my Thinkin' one, which is a little rusty from lack of use but I managed to get a few thoughts out there

And I didn't even say fuck, not even once (which, as you all know, is a fucking miracle). Go me!!

So hop on over to Danger Magnet's site and check out the Scorned Women of Twilight!

Twilight Widower Says "Sayonara For Now!"

We'll miss you, TW (and your special way with Photoshop...).

Let me preface this whole thing by nipping any speculation in the bud and stating for the record that the Twilight Widower is not my husband, nor is he JJ's s/o. I've never had the pleasure of meeting TW or his Twilight-lovin' Mrs., but maybe someday if I'm in the 'Couve I can set up a play-date for the men-folk and Mrs. Widower and I can go set-stalking or something.

A brief history of Twilight Widower/Twilight Widowers Anonymous:

TW burst onto the Twi-scene in late April, making his feeling on his wife's much-adored, completely dog-eared copy of Twilight apparent:

Oh no he didn't! Er, yes, he did. And we loved it!

Shortly thereafter, he sent an email to us here at Twitarded saying he liked JJ's post on Mini-E vs. Soundwave - and he gave us a shout-out in the form of his My Lame Obsession Could Totally Beat Up Your Lame Obsession post. And it was absolutely hysterical, so naturally we blogged about it. And then things went completely fucking bonkers. I've never seen anything like it! In less than 24 hours, he was a bona-fide Twibloggy celebrity and his followers list read like a Who's-Who of Twilight bloggers (I am happy to confess that yours truly was the first).

Twilight Widower struck a chord in the key of Twitard (and the men and women who love us) everywhere! His droll, tongue-in-cheek humor had us all rolling at how ridiculous our obsession is - and made us feel for the neglected s/o's in our lives. I think TwiCrack may have burst into tears after reading Typical day in the Life of Twilight Widower, proclaiming what a shiteous Twi-wife she was - and I was sobbing - mostly from laughter - right there with her... I even got Mr. Snarky to read it, and much head-nodding in agreement ensued.

Despite the Twials and Twibulations of being a TwiWidow, he managed to maintain a sense of humor...

Nothing better than a cheap date that ends with a slightly tipsy and possibly horny wife, right?

I even forgave him (eventually) when he completely and irrevocably ruined my favorite screen-saver pic from the V Man outtakes -


But alas, the star that burns brightest burns fastest... Like everyone else, I wanted more TW and I watched my blogroll anxiously, waiting for an update. And waited... and waited... and waited... and... nothing. Eventually, his blog languished unchallenged for its place at the very bottom of the list, taunting me each and every mother humpin' day with this charming pic of Zombie Robward (truth be told I took down the thumbnail pics on the blogroll just so I didn't have to look at it anymore).

After a while I couldn't take the bloggy silence (or that pic!) anymore, so I emailed TW and demanded an explanation for his absence [OK, in reality I sent him a nice email asking if everything was ok and telling him he was missed and I was fielding queries as to his whereabouts from the Twidom and when was he gonna post something again for fuck's sake?!].

Sadly, he told me that he and his blog are on an indefinite hiatus...

Given that his city has recently been over-run with the Twilight cast now that Eclipse has begun filming, it is entirely possible that we may hear from him again at some point. But I don't want to give anyone false hope, as he gave me permission to pass along the word that we shouldn't count on him entertaining us with his delightfully dry humor and tales of his abject fortune any time soon.

We will miss you, TW! Please come back soon! And please tell the Mrs. that Robward is so close that she can probably feel the tingle of his pheromones... You know that weird feeling she's been having lately? The one that makes the hair at the nape of her neck tingle (among other things!)? Yup, that's him! Don't try to fight it, Mrs. TW! He's calling you and you-know-what's only going to be around to satisfy your vampy needs for another couple of weeks--then what are you gonna do?! Re-read Twilight and hit the Twi-blogs, that's what... You know you want of of us...).

For the record, TW, I'm looking forward to you being at the top of my blogroll again one day soon and mocking us in the way that only you can, but until then... So long, farewell, auf weidersehen good-bye...