Thursday, August 27, 2009

Alex Meraz is All Angry and Shit

Dear Alex Meraz:

Before I saw this video you were just some dude I'd never heard of who is going to play Paul in New Moon [don't take offense to this - I am absolutely oblivious to most everyone in general].





After watching this fifteen-second clip of your angry, testosterone-filled, jowl quivering, wall punching and shirt tearing, I came to a realization.

I want to do you. Bump uglies. Sexy time. Ride your pole. You know, you can plow my field, whatever - you get it. Let's play cavemen together. You can totally drag me to your cave and do really terrible sexy things to me. I'm cool with that. Seriously.

I hope you're cool with doggy style. I am a wolf, after all...

I never really gave the wolf pack much thought, I gotta be honest. I've been way too busy entertaining dark thoughts about Robward to even focus on the half-naked pack of hawtness that you belong to.

One at a time boys, one at a time. Wait, on second thought...

But now you've got my attention.

Show me your six pack, Alex and I'll show you mine. It's in the fridge, next to the hummus.

For the sake of full disclosure, I don't want to hump you as much as RPattz and, given the choice, I'm taking the vampsicle over, well, wolfy wang? Huh. That sounds absolutely distasteful now, doesn't it [and I mean wolfy wang, not the fact that I want to horizontal tango with half - okay most - of the male Twilight cast]?

Anyhoo, feel free to rip off your clothes any time. Hell, you can even rip off mine but give me a heads up so I can make sure to wear something slutty from Target and not, say, Anthropologie. Yeah, I know - the whole 'planning' kinda ruins it. But don't worry - I can make up for that.

Hugs and tits,

Jenny Jerkface

Sidenote - while googling images for this post I came across information that I am 100% sure all of you reading this already know, including a picture of his very pregnant wife. I swear, if I had a cock it would have shriveled up and declared defeat at that image. I almost feel guilty even posting this.

Nope, that wasn't guilt. Just gas...

49 comments:

  1. "It's in the fridge, next to the hummus."

    Fucking hilarious! Even though he's got a preggo wife, he's still super hot. I'd do him too, so don't feel bad!

    vw: fatingly As in, "I ate a whole plate of nachos and I feel fatingly bloated."

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  2. Holy fuck JJ--the captions! Love the six pack comment....OK need to go change my pantyliner now----it needs replacing from laughing too hard.

    I just know you could take them all on. I am loving the hotty wolf pack too.

    Woof!

    Ooh my ears are burning my veriword is 'robses'--I kid you not. I whole heartedly 'robses'sed.

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  3. I couldn't have said it better myself. Felt a little guilty reading it while my dog was looking at me.

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  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    I feel the same way!!!!!

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  5. Mutha fucka that is one sexy, angry, shirtless wolf and I like him! He is definitely high on my list of boys who can ride me doggy style! He'll never take down my #1 VILF, but if, say, Robward isn't available for dirty deeds, I'll take Alex as backup (or any of his wolfy friends, except Taycob -- at least until he turns 18 -- but then, ya, I'd do him too!) What the fuck is wrong with me tonight? My word verification is 'ortigst' and all I keep seeing is orgy.... Yes, I'd like to have an orgy with the men of Twilight (except Jacksper, I'm not really into him, but all the other boys are invited!)

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  6. Wolfy wang... why after looking at that vid it doesn't sound that bad?

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  7. You know, I've never been into angry sex (afraid of pain) but...WOW! And don't feel bad JJ, I didn't know who he was till this post!

    @ LKW - RE: Taycob...didja see the pic on Shiny Volvo Owner's blog a couple of days ago? It's a lip bity one that I like ALMOST as much as the yummy rob lip bity pic...and you know how much I like that one! Honestly, it made me think of Taycob in a naughty way for the first time...rather than seeing him as "Shark Boy." Hmmm...

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  8. LOL! I'm glad I'm not alone in my sudden realization that, fuck, I want to... well, fuck the wolf-pack. Minus Taycob, natch. When does he turn 18?

    @Anonymous - your comment made me choke. Love it.

    BTW, the word verifications today seem really spot on? The fuck? Is there some sort of spy-bot big brother in blogger land? Oh, yeah. Duh. LOL!

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  9. You're just noticing that gorgeous hunk of man!??!

    I heart Alex Meraz/Team Paul... why? because he's fuck hawt and there's an abundance of shirtless pictures of him online. Before there was shirtless Paul there was only Kellan usually running around bearing that beautiful six pack... but now there's lots to look at ;)

    The wolf pack was part of the inspiration for our "Shirtless Guys" category, in fact I think they were one of our first posts... they might have popped our twi-blog cherry and set the tone for the blog...drooling. lol :)

    Hell all those shirtless men were even part of the reason I came up with my blog name lol.

    I'm team six pack and I approve of all six packs, beer or otherwise :)

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  10. Alex has one of the best "f*ck me" stares I've ever seen. I'm surprised I haven't tried to jump through the laptop screen at him yet. Damn interwebs, why must you only be virtual? Gaaaahhhhhh!

    hen I saw that video yesterday, the first thing I thought was "Incredible Hulk!" Except without the green skin and orange hair. And way better looking than Lou Ferrigno. So, yeah, mostly just the shirt ripping part. Good enough for me!

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  11. Six pack...hummus...HILARIOUS!!!

    The Targaet slutwear...also hilarious!

    Where do you come up with this stuff???

    Yet my fav: "I don't want to hump you as much as RPattz and, given the choice, I'm taking the vampsicle over, well, wolfy wang." My sentiments exactly!!!

    Keep on going JJ and STY!

    P.S. I proudly have my TwiTarded button on my gym bag (man...that's an awfully big button too...it dwarfs my "Twilight Addict" and Edward buttons...!)!

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  12. omg.
    the six pack comment.
    wolf wang.
    something slutty from Target.
    you friggen kill me woman.

    i heart thee.

    and LW's comments too.

    if you wanna see Edward "Amy Winofied" check my blog. :)

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  13. @JJ, U R A, Suppa freak, she's super freaky, ya'll. LOL.

    @LKW, you said mutha fucka HAHAHA, see it works!

    With those six-packs, I'll be rockin my beer gut, ok pepsi.

    You all rock!!

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  14. Bwa ha ha wofie wang... go gotta remember that they run at a toasty 108 degrees... That would be one sweaty ride! Hmmm take me to your sweat lodge....

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  15. @JJ- Taycob becomes legal in February. He's the same age as my nephew for cryin' out loud!

    I have two statements/questions that need to be made:
    1. Where the hell were guys that looked like this when I was in high school?!?
    2. Can you believe that KStew actually gets PAID to kiss these guys? That is soooo not fair!

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  16. I hear ya, JJ. I hear ya. Altho a vampsicle/wolf wang sandwich would be awesome. You know, like Hershey Hugs. Best of both worlds.

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  17. Oh, I'm sadly in the minority. The wolf boys just don't do much for me (except for maybe Chaske but since I can't pronounce his name to moan at the appropriate time, meh... too much trouble).

    That said, I'm thrilled you likey because it resulted in this particular post. JJ - you write the way I think which tickles/alarms/disturbs me to no end. Who needs a f*ckin brain filter anyway!

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  18. Weird thing is I had this conversation last night with my husband while watching True Blood because the shape shifters had mentioned they run about 101 body temp. So I commented that since I live in Hawaii, I cannot be married to a werewolf or shape shifter. Too fucken hot in bed. BUT! An icey cold vampire would be just heaven. All nice and cold in my bed. Of course then my hubby rolled his eyes because I brought up vampsicles...

    So anyhoo I can still appreciate hot ass! These boys will be really nice all blown up on the big screen.

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  19. Haha! Taycob is already legal in the UK :P

    But no need to feel as guilty, his wife isn't pregnant any more. She had a little baby boy.

    So, now this peice of hot is placed on the "Fuck hot Father" shelf along with PFach (When he isn't all carlisle'd)

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  20. Hahaha HILAR post JJ! I'm still a 100% Vamp girl, but the wolfs are surely moving up. BTW I'm thrilled that there is at least one wolf that can act. thank you Alex!

    Question. Why is he not Jacob? I'm sure that if Summit can make Nikki pass for a blond, they can have Alex pass for a 16 year old.

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  21. Excellent blog JJ...one of the funnier ones for me.

    I almost had a windex moment with the 6 pack a hummus caption.

    I am also in the minority. the pack does not do too much for me though Taycobs present physique is great. And yes, there were NO guys that looked like the Twilight cast when I went to school.

    I have not been in a Target for about 15 years..they have slutty stuff now??

    Jaima

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  22. Latchkey wife.
    VILF?? It is probably painfully obvious, but what what does it stabd for???

    Thanks.

    dilic is the word verification

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  23. @ Jaima - VILF = Vampire I'd Like to Fuck!! LOL!

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  24. Of course....I had it down to:

    V-vampire, vegetarian, vampsicle,vagina,Volvo.

    I- I,Idiot,in,into,impulse,indefatigable,

    L-lick,lame,lay,lap,lactate, lubricate,lie

    F-fuck,friend,fiend,fallatio(if this is spelled wrong, forgive me, the prudes over at Websters chose to omit it),feather.

    Off topic,I am so sick of spellcheck telling me I have spelled the vampsicle wrong..

    Thanks again,
    Jaima

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  25. Whoa the wolfpack is gearing up to give the vampsicles the run for their money. Dayam!

    They kinda flew under my radar until now, because unlike most pervs out here, I actually did think Taycob is laughably young. If he tried a come-on line on me I'd burst out laughing. Then again I'm ages removed from 17 so what do I know?

    Anyhow, now it seems suddenly that warm blooded mammals have something real to offer. Let the games begin!

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  26. Twi-Crack Addict alerted us to the hotness of "Paul" a looong time ago. He was not one of my favorite characters in the book, but I am so looking forward to seeing him, sans shirt, in the movie. I swear, I am just wishing my life away so it would hurry up and be November 20th. That is so wrong! My word verification is *morthrom* which reminds me of Eric Northman. Just can't get vamps off the brain!!

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  27. I have vague memories of reading about Alex Meraz over at TwiCrack but I think it was at the height of my robsession, lol.

    @Jaima - Yup, they sell slutty shit at Target. lol.

    @Honolulu Girl - I'm dying that you've actually thought this through to that extent. LOL!

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  28. god, i love hummus.
    is it wrong that sometimes i would rather eat some hummus than do the nasty?

    p.s. unless it was rob of course...

    -jane

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  29. By the way, I bought something at Target last week and although I didn't think it was slutty, it had the desired effect on my date that night. Go Target;-)

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  30. Heading out to Target in a few minutes! Now even tedious trips to target will make me think of my favorite Twitards, Twilight, Rob and dirty, nasty sex and Rob and the pack. Was my mom having these types of thoughts while shopping with me when I was little?

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  31. You nutters! I thought it said, It's in the fridge next to the humans!! Must get my eyes checked.

    Wow, a hunka, hunka burning Wolf! Drump humping comes to mind..

    Was he doing his Hulk impression? Or will we be seeing that in New Moon?

    :D

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  32. @ Anon (Jane) - I've never had hummus...WTF is it? I've heard of it, but that's it.

    Anyhoo, try reading some Twiporn and see how the hummus rates then...Team Twiporn! Yay!

    Veri Word: uberma...as in VitaminR, you are the uberma for taking the kiddies with you to Target while your thoughts are in the gutter of Twitardedness...

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  33. @JJ Yeah, I joke with my hubby about it. It's so hot in my house because we don't have a/c you can fucking do Bikram Yoga in here. So ixnay to werewolves, shape shifters and any other creature that runs a high temp. Sorry, I can't date them (well I'm also married)

    Also @TwiWeasel your comment just made me keel over. Hummus is not that good (ok sorry peeps it's not, it's actually yucky and beany)
    I'll take Twi Porn any day over it.

    Speaking of, any good ones out there?
    JJ STY I need a porn update please.

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  34. Thanks, HG...I'll stick with the Twiporn rather than hummus...yucky and beany, LOL!

    Hey, JJ & STY...the other day someone mentioned needing a fat kid to lip synch...I think it was the Ding Ding Dong song. I found him...will send a pic.

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  35. Wait...pregnant wife? You mean he's straight? I just lost my crush on him.

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  36. @TwiWeasel, hummus hails from the middle east and is usually made by mashing (or food processing) up some canned chickpeas with some lemon juice, tahini, salt, garlic, and olive oil until it's all nice and smooth.
    i like to eat it with some tasty crackers or bread.
    but you can pretty much put in anything you'd like depending on your tastes. my best lady friend likes to put horseradish in hers and it's DELICIOUS. mmmmmmmmmmm...and now i want some...

    -jane

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  37. @Limey - I read "next to the humans" too! Holy SHIT!

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  38. Ok, he's hot and all but what is the purpose of that video? I was expecting him to turn green.

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  39. @ LKW - haha

    But I friggin hate Hummus - Yuck, yuck! I first tried it at a wedding, once that dry dog shit stuff hit the roof of my mouth that was it, I was dry heaving like a crazy person and scraping that shit off my tongue with crackers, napkins my hubbys fingers, gargling sparkling wine, god it was just terrible! Must have looked a complete twat, it was during the speeches too! haha And there I was feeling all pretty in my dress and high heels!!!

    Hummus = pukus..

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  40. Mmmmmmmm me heart hummus and all its beany, garlicky goodness.

    @TweWeasel--thanks for the uberma shout out. I was too stunned by all the 80's diagonal stripes and plaid (RPattz fashon trend setter?) at Target to come even near thinking of sexy Target clothes.....though I did buy my 7 and 4 year old girls some kick ass skull and cross bones socks.

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  41. OK, Hummus sounds very gross...Even worse with horseradish. EW. I'm absolutely positive that I'll stick with Twiporn. Thanks, Jane!

    @VR...I just bought my 9yo daughter a skull/crossbones & hearts shirt. The skulls have heart shaped eye holes, and it's cute. Hubby asked me what it's supposed to mean, I love death? WTF?

    Wait, when did this become hummus/clothes for our kids time?

    I want some rpattz Jaw Porn!

    Oh yeah, guess what the girls at work were talking about today? WAFFLES!! I had to excuse myself before I choked on my laughter! They SO wouldn't get "Twat Waffle!"

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  42. yum, I'd totally do him...pregnant wife? meh ;) still do him

    Your captions here had me rolling until tears came...I love this fucking site

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  43. Ugh. SO sexy. Also, I'm sure you've seen this picture but I had to send you the link, just in case. Really, yum.

    http://fallintothetwilight.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/alex-meraz-3-paul-alex-meraz-5411596-560-838.jpg

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  44. omGAWD that picture of Paul. <3*drools* I have made the positive assessment that he is bang worthy.

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  45. Heading out to Target in a few minutes! Now even tedious trips to target will make me think of my favorite Twitards, Twilight, Rob and dirty, nasty sex and Rob and the pack. Was my mom having these types of thoughts while shopping with me when I was little?

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  46. You're just noticing that gorgeous hunk of man!??!

    I heart Alex Meraz/Team Paul... why? because he's fuck hawt and there's an abundance of shirtless pictures of him online. Before there was shirtless Paul there was only Kellan usually running around bearing that beautiful six pack... but now there's lots to look at ;)

    The wolf pack was part of the inspiration for our "Shirtless Guys" category, in fact I think they were one of our first posts... they might have popped our twi-blog cherry and set the tone for the blog...drooling. lol :)

    Hell all those shirtless men were even part of the reason I came up with my blog name lol.

    I'm team six pack and I approve of all six packs, beer or otherwise :)

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  47. Alex has one of the best "f*ck me" stares I've ever seen. I'm surprised I haven't tried to jump through the laptop screen at him yet. Damn interwebs, why must you only be virtual? Gaaaahhhhhh!

    hen I saw that video yesterday, the first thing I thought was "Incredible Hulk!" Except without the green skin and orange hair. And way better looking than Lou Ferrigno. So, yeah, mostly just the shirt ripping part. Good enough for me!

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