Monday, August 3, 2009

Nikki Reed think RPattz Looks Like A Chick?!

I found this article over at TwiCrack but I know it's been circulating various blogs for quite some time but I haven't had the chance to toss my two measly cents into the mix. Until now, that is [rubs hands together gleefully]...

According to People Magazine, Nikki Reed has revealed the secret to RPattz's super sexiness. Now, it's got nothing to do with that quirky crooked smirk that makes me want to do something that starts with S and ends with EXY TIME, or that ultra delish hair that is often the cause of many a wet panty. Hell it doesn't even have to do with those intense, fuck-me-please-I-don't-care-if-peeps-are-looking eyes. Nope, it's none of the above.

Whaddya mean it's not my hair? I have this hair insured, for crying out loud!

It's because Rob looks like a chick. [queue needle-tearing-across-an-LP noise, sound off on the 'wha-wha-WHAT?]

According to Nikki, the young girls (us old bitches are skeevy and she shuddered to think what was going on through our minds)** like RPattz because...
"Rob is sort of feminine looking and I think young girls like boys that look like women," she said.
Apparently someone has been smoking a little wacky tobacky on the set of New Moon. Besides KStew, that is. (Image from here)

My corneas! Oh lawd MY CORNEAS! They're burning!! Oh, it hurts!!!!

My darling Nikki, I like you as Rosalie, I really do. I even liked you as the sociopathic, beer swilling slut in Thirteen. But honey, you have no idea what you're talking about.

Ahhhhh, much better. Meow.

Now listen, I'll be the first to admit that RPattz is definitely tipping toward the 'pretty' side of the masculine scales. While I normally don't lust after dudes who are prettier than I am, I'm definitely making an exception for the Pattzmeister.

In general, when I'm questioning the masculinity of a potential mate I use what I call the 'If I Can Kick Your Ass You're Probably a Pussy' test. It works on a scale of one to ten, with ten being so masculine that men and women alike start to spontaneously sprout chest hair in your presence and one leaving me to wonder if there is a vagina under your jeans.

As an example:
  • Kellan Lutz - Not a chance in hell could I kick his ass - 10
  • Taylor Lautner - I wouldn't be able to kick his ass but I would feel bad for trying because he's such a nice kid (which immediately knocks you down a few notches, tough luck kid. Maybe when you're actually legal.)- 8
  • Jackson Rathbone - Ummm, yeah, I could probably do some damage. Sorry skinny boy but you're checking in at a 6 (this would not stop me from touching you in very naughty ways, jftr)
  • Robert Pattinson - I might get a few pot shots in but ultimately I just want to do the horizontal tango sooooo, you're an 8, also.
There you have it. Jenny Jerkface's tried-and-true method for figuring out how prissy your boy-toy is. Use it wisely, grasshopper.

Anyhoo, back to Nikki's comment. I was totally perplexed why she would say this.

Nikki has OBVIOUSLY not seen this picture. Or lives in alternate universe. Not sure which one.

Naturally, because I'm incapable of keeping any of my Twi-musings to myself, I throw a line out to darling STY:
WTF? RPattz = feminine? What's Nikki Reed's type? Paul Bunyon? Is she attracted to dudes who look like they should be on death row or something?

To which STY responds:
I think that Nikki is mistaking Rob for one of those squeaky-clean kids on the cover of a teen mag - have you ever SEEN Rob on one of those? He totally stands out. It's like all these other kids want to knock politely when they come to pick you up at your parent's house, greet mr. and mrs. jerkface, graciously promise to be honorable and have you home by 10:00, and take you on a grope-free milkshake-and-a-movie date where you talk about your social studies assignment. RPatts looks like he's gonna wait until your parents go to sleep then sneak into your window - at you behest! - and sully your virtue. Then the two of you go out on the roof and chain-smoke until the wee hours of the morning while discussing the meaning of life and drinking pilfered hootch."

JoBros: Gosh! We would NEVER do anything inappropriate to you, and your parents will love us and our promise rings!
RPatts [wiggles eyebrows lasciviously]: Send out your daughters! And that MILFy wife of yours, too... Oh, and don't wait up, Pops...
Poor, poor misguided Nikki. I feel for you, I really do.

And if I was RPattz I'd totally slap you. And maybe pull your hair. Or maybe the next time he sees her he should just drop trou and demand "How you liken' my feminity NOW, Arizona?!"


You said what, Nikki? Oh no you didn't...

** - Er, this should go without saying but.... psssst - Nikki never said that.

49 comments:

  1. I like the "**" commment. I, dear Nikki, am not one of these "young girls" that you refer to. At the age of 26 I dare say that Rob is bonafied manly. So gorgeous it almost hurts. They do make him more emo-fem in the Twilight movies, but that's because Edward is supposed to be a 100 year old emotionally, tormented man trapped in a 17 year old's body. And you can't have a 17 year old walking around in full manly beard looking all swarthy. But even in Twilight, that jaw line screams "manly, man."

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  2. I'll tell you which dude looks feminine. That Jamie Campbell Bower gal, that's who. Check out this website that depicts photos of "Men who look like lesbians".

    http://menwholooklikelesbians.blogspot.com/

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  3. STY makes my heart happy.

    And puh-lease...

    RPattz > Paris "I boned someone with the same first name" Latsis on the masculinity scale. For Flying Spaghetti Monster's sake...he needs his roots done.

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  4. haha!! TFF Jamie is pretty feminine. He's older than I thought.

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  5. Oh, Nikki...know one fives a flying fuckdoodle what you say. No one.
    THAT picture of Rob in the bridesmaids dress and whore make-up is freaking amazing. I think you should do 12 of them and make a calendar...think of the money you could make...in prisons.
    Is he pretty, sure. He is the epitome of a beautiful man but he doesn't look like a girl. At all. Unless, that "girl" has more body hair than any one human should, has gnarly feet (seriously, his feet=scary), and a constant state of drunken, smokey, lust haze in her eyes! (if that described anyone who reads this blog, uh,...*crickets*)
    BTW, the above described "chick" would make an excellent addition to your prison calendar...which I am expecting by Christmas.

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  6. So that picture of him in the dress made my eyes bleed.... but the one underneath it.... holy shit.... it made more liquid escape from my body - just not blood and definitely not from my eyes! Holy moly... check please!

    Oh ya, and Nikki's a stupid twat if she thinks that hunk of burning man love looks like a chick. Is she fucking blind?

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  7. Jamie may look like a girl, but he's pretty damn funny. Loved his joke about the Volturi "nude scene"lol. The fact that Nikki prefers a douche like Latsis completely negates anything she has to say about Rob, in my opinion. Enjoyed your musings. I just wanna say if RP is the new standard in femininity I think I'll have to switch teams! Haha.

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  8. Sounds like the rantings of an ex-girlfriend/fuckbuddy to me......

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  9. I was reading this n a really stupid thought popped into my head (yeah I've been known to have one of those from time to time) the cast would roflmao if they read this blog. I'm sure then Rpattz would come get you JJ n STY personally.

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  10. @mmMoxie - DITTO!!!!!!!!!

    Wouldn't you love to know what REALLY went down with Nikki & all? And really...Paris Latsis? I hope she gets herself checked. He was with Ebola Hilton afterall...

    PS - my word veri is "hombrou" which makes me think of Joey Tribiani in an early ep of Friends where he's the cologne tester for "HOMBRE"

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  11. and let me know if he does. Boston is not far from NJ. I'm just saying this is a sharing community. You can go first. :-P

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  12. hrmmm sumone sounds like a bitter harpy! i love nikki, but for real? she musta been hittin the pipe that day or some shit

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  13. Nikki is just a jealous beoootch. Seriously. She was the worse cast, she looks nothing like Rose should look. She can't act. And Rob doesn't want her. So, he goes all catty.

    If any part needs to be recast, its hers!!

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  14. Oops, typo. Should say "SHE" goes all catty. Sorry. cot

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  15. i will admit that i'm placed towards the left end of the Twilight Fan age scale.
    but checking in at a mere 21 years of age, i must say that i'm all about the manly looking men.
    my buried-deep-down lesbian yearnings are saved strictly for womanly women [ashley greene and charlize theron to be exact], not for androgynous looking wimps.

    nikki, c'mon. get your shit together.
    but then again, you ARE dating paris latsis......*gag*

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  16. RPatz with a beard....SIGH...having it tickle....MMMMMMMMM...

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  17. "How you liken' my femininity NOW, Arizona?!" might actually be the funniest thing I've ever read. I know, it might just be that my day's been so bad that I have officially given in to the brain monkeys who make me want to giggle/drink/throw breakable things/drink some more, but honestly, I would have laughed just as loud regardless. I'm just imagining that in Rob's lovely brit accent. My reaction to the description of Rob dropping trou and saying that, is a very muddled mix of amused and aroused. What I'm saying is, you confuse my lady parts.

    side note: in your discussion of the smirk and the hair (god, the hair) and the eyes, you definitely failed to mention the accent. At least for me, the accent probably accounts for about 30% of the attraction-there's a complex equation involved, so that's an estimation, but-it's definitely important.

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  18. alright, i'm just gonna put this out there: rob is fem. ain't nothing wrong with it. i dig my guys kinda fem. and yeah, he's also simultaneously masculine. but, more to the point: i think the indignation in this post is a little funny from someone who mistook one of rob's female costars for a photo of him in drag. (http://twitarded.blogspot.com/2009/07/i-do-not-look-like-rob-pattinson-really.html) (sorry. had to be said. only b/c made me laugh.)

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  19. Oh yes!! the accent. It goes without saying. It deserves it's own category. Sometimes I imagine meeting him and just getting him to talk. Like "tell me about the book you;re reading." and just let him go....*swoon*

    I can't break down the fantasticness that is Rob into percentages, but that fucking glorious accent is pretty damn high.

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  20. I have to second TwiFixx--if Rob looks like a girl then I may need to switch teams and STAT. He is all man in my book--the scruffier the better too. Wolfier Rob--ha! I am pretty much Team Edward all the way but in real life I like them scruffy. He does things to my lady parts that NO other person-that-I-have-never-met-nor-ever-will has ever done.

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  21. Okay so I agree with both of the anonymous people here. I am also stuck in the fucking middle of the scale at a whopping 21 years old. I think Rob is very masculine but he is a pretty boy and I like me some pretty boys, cause my fiance happens to be a pretty boy as well. Him being pretty does in no way make him fem. He still has that delish jaw line, take-me-behind-this-building-and-do-dirty-things-with-me eyes, and the my-panties-just-got-a-little-moist-looking-at-your-head hair, lets not forget his unbelievably wonderful lips that look completely kissable although they are wrapped around a cig most of the time, and I agree about the accent ladies I can't begin to describe my reaction to that.

    I'm not hating on Nikki cause we all say some stupid shit sometimes that can be misconstrued to make us look like huge twats. We also have to consider that she is definitely dating a pretty boy herself and I don't think it was meant as an insult. SO now that's over I am going to go find that video of Rpatts again and swoon!

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  22. OK, you can shoot me, but if she was referring to the way he looked as Edward in the movie then maybe I'll give it to her.

    I did think he looked a little weirdo girly in the movie at times.

    But, if she's saying he looks feminine in, oh say, that last picture (which shall now be know as the Fuck Me Please picture)then I'd say that those tight, ugly ass, acid washed jeans she had to wear in the movie cut off all the circulation to her brain.

    Oh Boy I'm reading to much fan fic (love the lovely smut these days). My verification work was
    "prewayv". The wayv kind of looked like "gravy" the first time I looked so I think "pre-gravy"? Then I think of pre-cum because In every frickin story Edward's dick leaks copious amounts of pre cum which Bella smear around. What has happened to my brain? I'm actually a scientist by training, I swear.

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  23. Have you seen this vid of him fighting in RM?? he throws some quick punches, he doesn’t look like he someone easy to kick his ass in that, even though his in not muscular, think to fix that scale ;) ..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c04WlRMlrEM

    He is not pretty to me, he is a great looking guy, and features are very masculine: chest hair, square strong jaw, scruffy beard, clothes old and worn for days, his attachment to things that are not even bum would wear, forgetting dates (he admitted he forgot his sisters birthday last year).. those are typical male!! Man!!! MACHO!!!. :P

    But I have to admit that he has a female side in some mannerisms and some expressions that let see he has an strong sensibility; but he in artist after all so I think that doesn’t come from high levels of estrogens, it may come more from his artistic soul.

    Now, why Nikki said that?... well that girl is no woman and as she is not get a woman, she can not tell de difference between what is a feminine guy or a masculine guy, and also she may feel so overwhelmed by Rob’s intelligences compared to her, that unconsciously, she may have the need to tear him down in public, just like any immature bitch would do...

    And with that I rest my case ;)

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  24. all I can say is if RPatz=Feminine then I will gladly turn lesbian.

    he is so gorgeous it hurts my heart just to look at him. what I wouldn't do for a few hours with him... what I WOULD do for a few hours TO him.... ggrrrrr those fuck me eyes are too much to ignore...

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  25. This post is awesome! I read that article and scoffed right away, then thought... this coming from the woman who was recently spotted in Greece dating one of Paris Hilton's ex's?? YEAH She has good taste in men. But Nikki's not the only one JE is NOT on Team Rob... she thinks he's a bit feminine looking too! I think she's crazy. ;)

    I'm pretty sure both of them confuse feminine with British and lanky :) and I love me some lanky Brit!

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  26. A few random notes.

    Jamie Campbell Bower DOES look like a girl. And a scary one at that.

    @Bri - FSM = awesome.

    I apparently AM living under a rock because I have no clue who Nikki is dating, I've never heard of him and will now spend my entire morning looking him up online. [Siiiiiigh] LOL!

    @anonymous who called me out on my OTHER post about RPattz drag queen possibilities (I wonder if this is becoming a theme or something.) I was wondering if someone was going to point that out. And I must admit - I live in a perpetual state of indignation. You'd be amazed (and possibly appalled)at what I get panties in a twist about. :)

    I've come to the realization that Rob Pattinson with a beard is even hotter than Rob Pattinson without a beard. I didn't know this was even possible but that picture just screams multiple orgasms to me.

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  27. Drooling too much to type... I don't care what he's classified as, he's hot. And I'm a nearly 42 year-old. Feeling the guilt for lusting after a man so young, but can't help it. RPatz is unstoppable

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  28. Whenever I see that picture of bearded Rob, I always think one thing (and I'm probably going to hell because of it):

    Rock me, Sexy Jesus

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  29. One reason it's good to live in Colorado - facial hair never really went out of style here. God, that pic of him in a beard with that look in his eyes... I would hide the razors if he was mine.

    And check out the photos of Nikki arriving in Vancouver with her new beau. (@TwiCrack) What the fuck is her definition of masculine!?

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  30. "Horizontal Tango" - JJ - I'm feeling you here! Brilliant!
    the bitter bitch back ain't pretty on Nikki. And with that skeevy skinny trans on her arm I think she will realize that he just might look prettier than she . She's carrying him in tow just like a mini-poodle to vancouver no doubt to have a show of fuckable force. Whatev. Well i guess now that the anomosity between Rosalie and Edward will be real this time around!

    JJ did you photoshop that hyst Rob Trans photo? Great!

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  31. "How you liken' my feminity NOW, Arizona?!" Brilliant!
    The JJ's tried-and-true method for figuring out how prissy your boy-toy is. I was rolling on the floor over that one!

    I love scruffy bearded Rob, don't care if someone calls him feminine or not. I'd still want to get my lady bits up on him! Just saying...

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  32. Jesus H Christ! Where did you find that pic of bearded rpattz?!?!? Sometimes I wish someone would snatch him up and shave him bald ...his hair has too much power!! I'm sure he'd still be devastating though LOL ... and I'm kidding about the shaving {swoon}

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  33. Rob's fine. He does not look like a girl, a bit skinny at times but all man for sure. Nikki's just mad because she wears a bigger jean than Rob, that's all. j/k

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  34. nikki is blind. have you seen she's with that dude who was bf of paris hilton?? ugh...
    that last picture just sums all up.
    quiveration.

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  35. Thanks for making me smile after a day filled with ceiling leaks, kids shitting on floors (I work in a museum...don't ask)and a batshit fucking crazy boss. Beardy Rob is about as manly as it gets (and I'm one of those weird "old" ladies who drinks too much and lusts after jail bait as well!).

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  36. where does peter land on your 1-10 scale?

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  37. There are only three valid explanations for this fucktard comment:
    1 - she's a bitter ex (didn't I read a rumor they banged for a while when first filming Twilight?)
    2 - she's got a wicked sense of humor and is doing this to punk RPattz
    3 - she's the only human being on the planet (male or female) that isn't instructed by their DNA to accost the poor boy (and if that's the case, it's on less broad I gotta share with!)

    @mmMoxie - Holy shit...you are spot on! That shim creeps me out...

    @JJ - I totally agree on giving Jasper a 6 (and you're being generous); if he cut the hair I'd reconsider; mmm, don't get me started on Kellan and his Perfect 10 score ;)

    @ Team Six Pack - well said on confusing "feminine" with lanky and/or British; you can't have a jawline like that, or hair of that magnitude (hair, eyebrows, body) without exuding manly pheremones wherever you go

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  38. I was ROFL at so much of this- but "send out your MILFy wife" sent me over the edge. It was hilarious and tugged at my quiet desperation to think that maybe somewhere there is a young 20something guy who would still find me hot at 32 and 3 kids deep ;-). Probably not, but one can fantisize!!!

    "wingflu"- is that a new strain of the avian flu??

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  39. OMG, I about peed reading this ROFLMAO!!!!!

    and for the record, I'd switch sides of the fence in a freakin' heartbeat for that boy! This MILF would teach him things that would have him crying for mercy LOL!!!!

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  40. Well, maybe Nikki was taken out of context. I'll give her that. Interviews suck. She may not have said that at all. Because truly, it is absurd.

    Or maybe Nikki likes Mr. Average Joe. If you prefer Joe, you're not down with the Patz.

    Peter Facinelli is Italian, so that makes him an honorary 6. I am biased.

    @Sarah "Rock me, Sexy Jesus"=ROFL

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  41. Okay - so my request to tone it down a bit was met with "no way Jose". I took a peek and laughed . . a lot. This stuff is too darn funny, so don't listen to me.
    Mooooo

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  42. @ the last anonymous

    I literally fell out of my chair!! Mommy, I LOVE you. You are the best (plus, you are kinda part of the reason why I yam the way I yam - in the best way, natch).

    And I'm also totally mortified that you picked this post to read.

    Love you Mooo!!!

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  43. @JJ--Mommy commented! We love you Mommy (not a) Jerkface! Thank you for the pure comedic genius that is your daughter. Yay!

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  44. Have you seen this vid of him fighting in RM?? he throws some quick punches, he doesn’t look like he someone easy to kick his ass in that, even though his in not muscular, think to fix that scale ;) ..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c04WlRMlrEM

    He is not pretty to me, he is a great looking guy, and features are very masculine: chest hair, square strong jaw, scruffy beard, clothes old and worn for days, his attachment to things that are not even bum would wear, forgetting dates (he admitted he forgot his sisters birthday last year).. those are typical male!! Man!!! MACHO!!!. :P

    But I have to admit that he has a female side in some mannerisms and some expressions that let see he has an strong sensibility; but he in artist after all so I think that doesn’t come from high levels of estrogens, it may come more from his artistic soul.

    Now, why Nikki said that?... well that girl is no woman and as she is not get a woman, she can not tell de difference between what is a feminine guy or a masculine guy, and also she may feel so overwhelmed by Rob’s intelligences compared to her, that unconsciously, she may have the need to tear him down in public, just like any immature bitch would do...

    And with that I rest my case ;)

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  45. OK, you can shoot me, but if she was referring to the way he looked as Edward in the movie then maybe I'll give it to her.

    I did think he looked a little weirdo girly in the movie at times.

    But, if she's saying he looks feminine in, oh say, that last picture (which shall now be know as the Fuck Me Please picture)then I'd say that those tight, ugly ass, acid washed jeans she had to wear in the movie cut off all the circulation to her brain.

    Oh Boy I'm reading to much fan fic (love the lovely smut these days). My verification work was
    "prewayv". The wayv kind of looked like "gravy" the first time I looked so I think "pre-gravy"? Then I think of pre-cum because In every frickin story Edward's dick leaks copious amounts of pre cum which Bella smear around. What has happened to my brain? I'm actually a scientist by training, I swear.

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  46. "How you liken' my femininity NOW, Arizona?!" might actually be the funniest thing I've ever read. I know, it might just be that my day's been so bad that I have officially given in to the brain monkeys who make me want to giggle/drink/throw breakable things/drink some more, but honestly, I would have laughed just as loud regardless. I'm just imagining that in Rob's lovely brit accent. My reaction to the description of Rob dropping trou and saying that, is a very muddled mix of amused and aroused. What I'm saying is, you confuse my lady parts.

    side note: in your discussion of the smirk and the hair (god, the hair) and the eyes, you definitely failed to mention the accent. At least for me, the accent probably accounts for about 30% of the attraction-there's a complex equation involved, so that's an estimation, but-it's definitely important.

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  47. @mmMoxie - DITTO!!!!!!!!!

    Wouldn't you love to know what REALLY went down with Nikki & all? And really...Paris Latsis? I hope she gets herself checked. He was with Ebola Hilton afterall...

    PS - my word veri is "hombrou" which makes me think of Joey Tribiani in an early ep of Friends where he's the cologne tester for "HOMBRE"

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  48. and let me know if he does. Boston is not far from NJ. I'm just saying this is a sharing community. You can go first. :-P

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