Friday, August 14, 2009

Oh Noes! Mini-Edward & Jenny Jerkface Visit Non-Twi-Friends!

As much as it hurts me to admit it, Jenny Jerkface has other friends. I know! I can't believe it, either! Because I am a selfish, jealous bitch, I'm going to just come right out and say that I think she should be content with just me and the perfectly honed Twi-bloggy mind-meld that has essentially morphed us into one unit with a single brain, but she's friend-slutty like that and sometimes feels the need to hang with people I don't even know. The nerve! In their defense, friends of JJ's that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting get my stamp of approval-by-association, since I generally think anyone JJ adores will be worthy of my adoration, too.

However, it quickly became apparent as she embarked on her recent trip to Portland that I was forgetting a crucial friend-by-association filter: the Twilight-O-Meter. Like many other factors people use to determine friend vs. enemy, where someone stands on this crucial subject cannot be under-emphasized.

Sadly, in light of the the following missive I received earlier today from a certain someone who is traveling with Ms. Jerkface, I'm going to say that JJ's west coast crew is not Twi-friendly. Not that I'm dismissing them flat-out, but for now they will be relegated to "potentially convertable" status, friend-worthiness TBD.

For your consideration:

Exibit A: A secretive email sent to the Twitarded email addy under cover of "AnonOME" -

Dear Snarkier Than You,

It's been two days since Jenny and I embarked on our little Pacific-Northwest excursion. I have to admit I was really excited to go - even though we weren't going to be near Forks, it was still close enough and I was hoping it would bring back some memories. We even had a lay-over in Seattle! Only a couple of hours, but long enough for Jenny to find that Women's room where Bella managed to elude Alice and Jasper. Oh, and she says Sea-Tac is not nearly as nice as it looked in the movie...

Anyway, don't tell Jenny but... she's kind of being an asshole.

It all started with the plane ride. I mean, I know she only got an hour and a half of sleep before she had to leave for the airport, but still, did she REALLY have to refuse to let me out of her bag? I mean, I really wanted to see the plane take off and enjoy the view, but that bitch grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'Fuck off mini-Edward, I'm cranky and need to sleep."

Whatevs. During out layover at SeaTac, I managed to escape for a brief photo-op while she was off getting a double-quadruple espresso...
Yup, I could stop that plane with my super-vampire strength. That one, too...

Anyhoo, we reach Portland and her friend picks us up at the airport and everything seems like it's going to be okay after all. Forgive and forget, right?

But STY--her friend isn't a Twitard!?! In fact, SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME!!! WTF?! How could Jenny do this to me?! I mean, we were at a bar last night and SHE DIDN'T TAKE ONE FUCKING PICTURE. And you know how I like having my picture taken.

I know, I know, I shouldn't be complaining to you, since technically you got the shit end of the Jenny Jerkface stick, what with having to take care of that stinky ass critter of hers AND man the helm of Twitarded while that bitch is off having a blast but...
Gizmo [hearts] Twilight. And STY. And food.

I really want to go home. Like now. I mean, no one likes me here. No one laughs at my jokes or reminds me how exquisite and Adonis-ish I am.
Oh. Shit. Gotta run- I think JJ is coming back!
Miss you. More than you'll ever know...

xo,

Edward

P.S. That picture she sent you that made it seem like all was right with the world and she was showing me a good time? A total sham!! She won't be bringing back these t-shirts because she had to slink off to the pre-teen section of the store to snap this pic on the sly! Don't let her fool you!

What do you mean this isn't your size?! You and STY need these! Look how they sparkle!!

26 comments:

  1. I am fucking dying laughing right now... poor Mini E! He probably would have had a much better time had he been left home. Alone. Hanging out with non-Twitards is brutal. I'm sure I'll be doing it all weekend among the Newport RI mucky mucks... wondering just how much of my 'Tardness to let seep out of the closet... hmmmm, we shall see! Oh BTW, I purchased the Bella Twilight jacket in black today. Squeeeee! Can't wait till it comes in the mail!

    PS - Word Verification is RUMBLA which is what I'll be doing if I encounter any Twi-haters this weekend. LOL!

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  2. The shirts are AWESOME. You should wear one and put one on FSE.

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  3. So funny, as usual.
    I can't tell you how many times mini-E has been pissed with me for excluding him...

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  4. Umm, Bella got away from Alice & Jasper at the Phoenix airport, not SeaTac. Please don't tell me the movie script couldn't stick to that simple fact.....

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  5. @anon--er - nope - that was all my bad! i need to read more and blog less - lol!

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  6. Ahh time to go JJ hunting! I will hit up all bars with PBR specials...

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  7. "No one laughs at my jokes or reminds me how exquisite and Adonis-ish I am."

    LMAO, awesome. I love this blog so effing much.

    P.S.
    I stumbled upon this awesome macro the other day and thought you two might appreciate it.

    http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o150/merbella/ontd/5zikox.png

    I just wish I had seen it before your "caption this" post was made. It would have been perfect! XD

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  8. Oh, STY, how I love thee. I laughed out loud many times at this post. There are plenty other Twitards in the sea... just remember that.

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  9. ohhh my sweet Mini-E, I totally feel bad for him! Poor guy, never really has been rejected before!

    But, I can also understand JJ, It´s hard to be around non-Twitard people, one always needs to think twice what to say. I mean It´s not like normally every other word that comes out of our mouth is: Edward, Rob, Twilight, ....... (you know the list...)

    Anyway, Happy Weekend! And Mini-E: all will be fine :-)

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  10. No worries STY. SeaTac is where they were greeted coming back from Italy, so it is still a very significant airport with special memories for mini E

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  11. {{{sniffle-sniffle}}}

    Thanks, everyone! I get a tad misty-eyed when JJ ditches me for people thousands of miles away who don't even LIKE Twilight! I mean, what's wrong with them?! And even if you're a non-Twi-friend, how could you not adore mini-E? That's like saying you don't like puppies or kittens, for fuck's sake - lol... :)

    I will console myself with the knowledge that she is annoying the shit out of them by starting every other sentence with "My friend STY and I...", just like like I do when I hang with people other than JJ (it gets old - believe me! - even I find myself cringing as I hear the words escaping my lips yet again but I can't stop myself).

    [just kidding, JJ's friends who read the blog - I am sure you guys are swell!!]

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  12. My semi-Twi-friend thinks Mini E looks really angry, all the time lol.

    I'm going to say that it's easy to find people that like Twilight in some small aspect, but really hard to find people that like it as much as us. Mostly because they just might not be that obsessive, but also because some of us also tend to hide our true feelings for the bloggy world!

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  13. Oh STY, *pats STY's back* I'm sorry JJ has left you. I know she lovers you so much! I'm sure this is tearing her apart as well. And poor poor mini Mr. Cullen *wipes tears* forsaken and forced to hide....

    Hopefully you all will be reunited soon and the wounds of this separation will be minimal, at best. *sigh*

    Many a prayers will be said for all three of you. *hugs*

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  14. STY I feel for you, it's terribly when one's bestie is such a loose friend!!!

    For the record though, not all us west coasters (I'm in Oregon and I'm nuts about twi) don't get it. She just isn't talking to the right ones...

    Even though it's not fair, I do understand how hard it can be to whip out your action figure and proceed to take an album worth of shots (I recently went to a party with non twi people) when you don't have twi support.

    If anything you should take it as a testament to your friendship. She isn't bold enough to whip him out unless you're by her side!!!

    I'm with @SFT, it's hard to tell who the crazies are sometimes. People will admit to liking the series, but aren't as ready to reveal the obsession. I have found recently though that it's easier if you slowly increase your emphasis of how much you love the books when talking about them. I've outed two more of my friends that happen to also be twitards because of it. I even now have a date to the midnight showing of New Moon!!!

    Like they say in Wide Awake, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"

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  15. I feel so bad for poor mini Edward. I love you from afar, tiny man!
    As you know, I’ve expressed interest in purchasing my own mini E to corrupt, er…play with…er…whatever. Yesterday I was at hot topic checking out the Twilight stuff with my 9yo daughter. She really wants this team Jacob shirt (yeah, she’s one of those people) but she is unwilling to drop $22 of her own money for it. Anyhoo, they had a mini Shades Edward there, and I seriously stood there holding the box, just debating. Long enough to get a funny look from my daughter! I ended up not getting him for two reasons…1. He’s kind of fucking scary looking and 2. He was packaged with that bitch, Bella. *sigh*

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  16. Oh STY. She should have come to Seattle instead to feel all the Twitarded love and goodness here....so close yet so far.

    Drink up...she will be home soon...doesn't she have a household to move or something?

    Oh, and tell JJ's Mini E that his Seattle doppleganger has been getting lots of camera time and not to fret.

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  17. OH! God! Please don't ever stop you two... Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You. You light up my life sometimes when the shit hits the fan. You both, and mini-Edward of course. This post makes the top ten...definitely! Damn - you girls are gooooooooooood!

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  18. P.S. I ALMOST bought plaid today b/c of your earlier post...ALMOST. Didn't go through with the cute fruuffy tank - turquoise plaid and ruffles...ALMOST.

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  19. Nobody pays mini-E any attention for a few hours and all hell breaks lose! That little attention whore!
    "Nobody puts Edward in the conner!"

    That was one hell of a funny letter!

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  20. OMG great post, although i feel bad for mini-E........ poor guy...i think she needs to make it up to him

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  21. OMG great post, although i feel bad for mini-E........ poor guy...i think she needs to make it up to him

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  22. My semi-Twi-friend thinks Mini E looks really angry, all the time lol.

    I'm going to say that it's easy to find people that like Twilight in some small aspect, but really hard to find people that like it as much as us. Mostly because they just might not be that obsessive, but also because some of us also tend to hide our true feelings for the bloggy world!

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  23. Umm, Bella got away from Alice & Jasper at the Phoenix airport, not SeaTac. Please don't tell me the movie script couldn't stick to that simple fact.....

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  24. Oh, STY, how I love thee. I laughed out loud many times at this post. There are plenty other Twitards in the sea... just remember that.

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  25. No worries STY. SeaTac is where they were greeted coming back from Italy, so it is still a very significant airport with special memories for mini E

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