Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Reluctant Twitard...

Mommy (not a)Jerkface is very aware of my Twilight obsession. Not only that, but she actually encourages me from time to time. When Twitarded was in its infancy, MnaJ had free reign to visit but then the site grew up into a very slutty, foul-mouthed teenager and a temporary ban was put into place. This didn't last long and eventually, MnaJ came to terms with my Twisession and Twitarded, though she's begged me not tell the relatives. Not that I blame her. She's been amazingly supportive despite herself and my potty mouth. But there was one little thing amiss with MnaJ's presence here:

She hadn't read the books.

I am SO disappointed, MnaJ. Oh wait, not I'm not - I'm just smokin' hot and your daughter is making up excuses to post pictures of me...

Determined to rectify the situation, a few months ago I convinced Mommy (not a)Jerkface to read Twilight. It took a little wheedling on my part but she finally agreed and I eagerly lent her the book. I figured maybe she would read it and fall in love (just like me!) and we could SQUEEEE! over Edward together and ignore the fact that there's maybe something a teensy bit creepy about that... Whatever - it would be familial bonding like no other!

I've read countless gushy, wonderfully sweet stories about how Twilight has brought families together [like STY and Sister Snarky], so I was envisioning Mommy (not a)Jerkface and I bonding over the saga, exchanging the latest smoldering Robward pics, debating the relative merits or assorted Twilight merchandise, and having our own wonderfully gooey mother/daughter tales to tell.

Oh, we bonded, all right. But mushy isn't exactly the phrase I'd use for it. What's the opposite? Oh, right, snarky.

Mommy (not a)Jerkface was NOT impressed.

From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: Twilight Book.

Oy -I feel bad because I really didn’t care for the story, so much so that I don’t want to continue reading the rest of the series (that is unless, of course, you are captured by vampires and the only way they won’t hurt you is if I read the rest of their crummy story). By the way just how many times does Bella describe Edward’s face as “exquisite” . . . I mean it must have been a gazillion times? And that whole scene with Bella riding on Edward’s back as he races through the woods at warp speed . . . cooooorny. Do you remember that scene in Harry Potter when Harry is on his broomstick playing cribbage or whatever it was called and someone puts a spell on his broom? His broom becomes a bucking bronco and it looked as if they glued a floppy doll onto a stick and waved it around (really bad animation) . . . well that’s how I envisioned the "Bella on Edward’s back" scene. I could go on and on. Jeez, I don’t even know if I want to see the movie.

I have to admit that I knew from the get-go that the Twilight saga and MnaJ would probably not mix. Being the selfish child I am, I still insisted she read it, if only so I can write about her experience (and torture her just a little. There is a teenager still lurking somewhere inside me, after all). So when she hedged about finishing the saga, I put the screws to the poor woman. That being said, MnaJ still wanted to watch the movie, if only because she's a good sport.

From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: We liked it! We really did!

Dad and I just finished watching Twilight and I must say we both liked the movie. Okay so the acting was a little amateurish, the dialog choppy (especially Kristen S. who I don’t think uttered a complete sentence in the entire movie). Robert P. is quite dishey (except for the grimaces. . .is he unhappy, is he mad or is he trying to smile but his pants are too tight?). He reminds me of James Dean (the actor not the sausage guy). If you get a chance, take a look at two of his movies “East of Eden” and “Rebel without a Cause”. Very much the same style of acting. I never cared for James Dean as an actor, way too hammy.

Anyway, we liked the movie . . .fairly decent plot, intriguing and nicely filmed (especially Washington). The running and tree climbing scenes were pretty goofy, but we’ve seen worse.

I assume the two main actors will be in the next Twilight movie. Let’s hope the movie studio sends the two of them to acting school for some intensive lessons in delivering lines and facial expressions (KS had only one) before they start filming the next story in the series.


Moooo & Dooooo


It's not tight pants, Mommy (not a)Jerkface. It's the In N' Out burger I had earlier...

And yes, us Jerkfaces are balls-to-the-wall kind of people when it comes to, judging critiquing cinema. Or anything else, for that matter. What? Did you think I was the only one in my family like this? The most vocal, yes, but certainly not the only one.

Apparently, however, KStew's acting prowess (or lack thereof) wasn't enough to deter MnaJ from reading New Moon though, frankly, this might have had something to do with the fact that every time I spoke to her I asked, "Did you read New Moon yet? How 'bout now? Now? READ NEW MOON, DAMMIT!"

I pity the fool who doesn't read the Twilight saga... except my Mama...Now read the frucking book!!

Which leads us up to the present time. MnaJ is now done with New Moon and peppers my inbox with emails from time to time.

At first, everything seemed okay and all was good in Twiland, but then I started to notice an undercurrent in the emails:

From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: I have a serious problem with the Twilight Book...

My problem is . . . I can’t put it down. I get in bed at 10:30, pick up the book for a little light reading and before I know it, it’s almost midnight.


It’s getting interesting now that Edward, aka the cold one, godlike, his exquisite face (gag), Mr. Sparkly, etc. is out of the scene. Bella decides to live on the edge because, well Edward is gone and driving a motorcycle appeals to her suicidal subconscious. You know what I mean, it’s the irrational thinking of a 17 year old twit “He’s gone and I’m better off dead”.

I still like it though.

BTW I’m terrified I will accidentally send one of these emails to my boss or worse to the whole company. This is the last time I will send from work. Call me rather than reply. [Oh, you mean like STY did?]

By the time I received her second email, it was abundantly clear to me that MnaJ does NOT like Bella:
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: Where is Edward?!

I’m half way through the book. Where the heck is Edward? The suspense is killing me. Jacob, Bella’s only friend (she’s such a user), has gone over to the dark side (I suspect it has something to do with the mutant wolves - like I couldn’t figure that one out) and Bella is once again doing the “woe is me” fetal position along with the endless whining.

OMG, I iz SO sad without my exquisite Edward. Callz the Wahmbulance...

And then:
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: The writing sucks giant tomatoes

I just finished reading chapter 12 of New Moon, which included such poetic gems as “My stomach dropped like I’d hit a corkscrew on a roller coaster” What the??? or “I was able to strangle the strange screeching coming out of my throat”. . . actually that was me reading in bed trying not to wake your Dad. Or “Why else would I care so much about them that it would tear big chucks right out of my chest (Bella seems to be plagued with chest holes and episodes of uncontrollable night screaming). This self-centered twit-of-a-girl can’t get over her relationship with a vampire (he might as well be a potted plant 'cause this is going nowhere) and now discovers her best friend is a werewolf and it’s tearing big chunks out of her chest?? Oy . . . this is brutal. I’m reading this twaddle on your recommendation. Right now I’m so mad, if you weren’t my kid I’d smack you.

I'm done now.

Love and kisses Moooo

The next one was only slightly less disgruntled...

From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: Well that was a knee-slapper...

So that explains the disappearance of American tourists in Italy! I love how the author justifies the carnage by describing the tourists’ voices as "unpleasantly shrill and coarse and booming." Typical ugly Americans . . . they so deserve to die. I found it hilarious.

BTW, my favorite line in this chapter is when Bella turns to Alice and says “Bite me”.
But MnaJ is not a quitter and I encouraged her, despite getting ranting phone calls from time to time. And more emails...
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
To: Jenny Jerkface
Subj: Oh for cryin' out loud...

I must vent. . . again. I just finished reading 500 friggin pages of incessant whining, eagerly waiting and hoping for Bella and his Exquisiteness to reunite in true love. She is finally in his stony arms (ack), she kisses his stony lips (ack ack) and then I get to read page after page of Edward groveling, professing his undying (pardon the pun) love and she doesn’t believe him!!! I just can’t stand it.


Excuse me while I go retrieve the book off the front lawn and call the window repair man.

Love ya – Moooo (ack)

Did I mention that New Moon was my favorite book of the series?

I think it's safe to say that Mommy (not a)Jerkface may not be Team Edward OR Team Jacob but she is definitely Team Someone-stop-that-whiny-little-twit Bella...

Can't wait until she reads Eclipse. Her head will explode... And if that doesn't do the trick, there's always Breaking Dawn to look forward to...


50 comments:

  1. I continue to totally love your Mom, she freaking rocks.

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  2. Ive been reading your blog for awhile, and absolutely love it. It is the only thing that makes me laugh each day and the image of your mom throwing the book out the window was the highlight of my day. I wanted to do the same thing a couple times, though not for the same reason she did. So funny! I wish my mom would even think about reading the book, your mom is the best!

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  3. OMG i wish my mom was kool like that...... she just rolls her eyes and rolls out to the room at the mention of twilight/rpattz/edward or anything remotly related

    ...... she is going to disown somewhere during eclipse, im sorry but i think its the truth

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  4. Jenny! Your mom is fabulous and snarky! And she says OY a lot and as a tribe member, I find it cute and endearing. LOVE IT!

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  5. Congrats on wearing your mom down! You may not convert her but at least you're trying. :)

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  6. Priceless! Can't wait to hear more of what your mum has to say about the rest of the books! Breaking Dawn will probably make her head spin!

    Love the quip about throwing the book out the window.

    Your mom ROCKS for even reading the books!

    By the way hubby agrees with your mum's point of view, he tried to read Twilight and barely got through the first chapter before he gave up.

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  7. Although I do love the series and consider myself a total hardcore Twitard (thanks for coining that one), your mom hit the nail on the head a few times, especially with saying KStew has the acting ability of a pregnant flea.

    Your mom is soooo hilarious!! Please please keep us up to speed if she goes on to read the rest of the series!
    xx

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  8. Um yea, I tend to agree with your mom... I almost couldn't finish the series because Bella got on my nerves so bad lol. I couldn't stand her whiny teenage lamentations over Edward and how often he almost made her faint. *gag* But then I saw the movie I loved it and decided to give it another try because I wanted to know how their story ended....and it ended with breaking dawn... WTF! lol. And yet despite it all, somehow I fell hopelessly in love with the books....clearly. I am now writing FF... help!

    My second read of New Moon nearly made me cry (where as my first read made my roll my eyes). Eclipse is still my favorite...bring on the action!

    You might want to steer your Mommy Not A Jerkface away from Breaking Dawn though. She may never forgive you for that one lol. Perhaps point her in the direction of some decent fan fiction instead sans Renesme. :)

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  9. JJ love your mom! I cracked up at her email where she tells you she's so mad if you weren't her kid, she'd smack you. I can't wait to have those mommy/daughter moments with my girls and you know I will. :)

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  10. Omg I LOVE your Mom!!!! Lol She is F'n Hilarious!! and AWESOME!!! hehe I cant wait to see what she writes for Eclipse! Hahaha

    p.s. once again MnaJ youre Fucking Awesome!
    (hmmm should i not be cursing to your mom?)

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  11. Snort choke laughing is something you end up doing when trying to keep other people in the room from hearing you laugh, and it only results in drawing more attention to you, only now the other people in the room are not only wondering what the frack you're reading, they're completely annoyed by it. Damn.

    Your mom's Twilight reviews have made a curious, annoyed man of Mr. JFox. Me, I just love her to bits. What a blessedly honest woman.

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  12. You Jerkface's are a snarky bunch!
    Love it! :)

    If NM went out the window is BD gonna go down the shitter?

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  13. OMG Can you imagine her reaction after reading Breaking Dawn!! I hope you save those emails, and you might want to hide out for awhile ....

    Word verif: pyrater (I like it!)

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  14. Jenny I want your mom to adopt me. I know the writing is gagarific at times and I totally agree with your mom about KStew in Twlight (much of her other work is better and I blame the wriring and directing). Your mom is just so awesome! I'm totally jealous. I do see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for the great post and great blog in general.

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  15. I couldn't even get my mom to finish Twilight. :( Thankfully I am "turning" a co-worker who is dying to start Eclipse as soon as I bring it in the morning. Twilight addiction is more like a cult - we're always recruiting!

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  16. JJ - Get that woman her own blog. Stat! She's hysterical and an artist too!? I love her.

    My mom had the same issues with Bella and I gotta admit, I now read the books and just insert myself, with less self-analysis and whining (and less Jacob). But I couldn't believe when my mom stopped reading Breaking Dawn a few chapters in. I had to demand it back for my third round cuz she was taking too long, but how do you get that far and not care how it ends! Aack!

    PS - What's a cuslebum? I just verified one and it sounds dirty and prude at the same time.

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  17. it is SOOO easy to see where you get your wicked little attitude from, it's safe to say that twitards everywhere want to be honorary jerkfaces just to get hilarious email from your mother :) i forced them on my mom, too, but she seems to be responding a bit better (tho, she gets the whole angst thing, she used to watch Dawson's Creek.) she def does not have the level of insanity that i do.
    that would be weird.

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  18. Hahahhaaa. really hilarious. I've been reading this blog for some time and i really enjoy the LOL moments. which is a lot. your mom's so cool. and I like the 'throw NM out of the window' scene. (Haha. it's like i'm discussing a script)

    -fan from singapore, sarahlois

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  19. I want to be adopted by your family. Please. : ) You guys crack me up, I love it.

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  20. I made my Mom read the books and watch the movie too. She didn't care for the books and she doesn't think Robert Pattinson is cute. WHAT!!??!! She does think Charlie is cute EWWW!!!!????!!!!! I am thinking about disowning her.

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  21. Hahahha.
    Can I be best friends with your mom?
    She may not like Twilight, but she is pretty (edited) hilarious.
    =]

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  22. My daughter was the one who got me into Twilight. I barely got through SM's horrific writing style, but I trudged on and soon became entranced in the characters and despite the fact that Bella's heart hitched or whatever the hell it did about every page and a half...damn, that girl wouldn't have lasted long with that bad ticker of hers so really the whole moral dilema of ending her life was kind of a
    moot point....anyway despite all that I fell hard and became thoroughly addicted. BTW my daughter doesn't think RP is cute either. She's totally team Taylor. Meh. Kids!!

    Mother/daughter bonding moments are great. We've had many over this shared obsession.

    P.S. Your mom rocks! :D

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  23. haha, you guys never to fail to make laugh so hard. your mom is as funny as you, def the genes! you must bring her to the dark side of "his exquisiteness" hahaha. MUST show him rob's GQ and EW pictorials to win her over. we need to win you dad too.

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  24. your mom is awesome. and i'll admit, when i first saw the picture of Rob(why haven't i seen this one before???) all i could think of-is he naked below the shoulders??

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  25. I, too heart Mommy (not a) Jerkface!!!! Mommy VitaminR will never read these books so I have great admiration for MnaJF for giving it a go.

    I know SMs writing is pretty crappy but for some reason this did not bother me when I first read the books--I was way too caught up in the great story.

    Keep plugging along MnaJF--at the very least your feedback will make good blog material for JJ.

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  26. Your mommy not a jerkface totally needs to guest blog for you. I can not wait to hear what she thinks of the whole stupidity that were the jacob chapters and then renesme. That will be soooooo good!! You mom's hilair. My mom thinks that rpatz and kstew are both toakin' it up a lightin up a doobie. She's partly right... Kstew hit that bong a few times I hear! LOL

    My twiday is not complete with out a visit to twitartded!! Xoxo CP

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  27. "Were talking, Olympic Size Madness"! Once again, you don't disappoint!!! Crackin' up here!!!!MnaJerkface is classic!! Swoooshhhhhhh . . Flyyyiinnn Book! Love it!! Fist bump to DadnaJerkface for watching Twilight and sleeping-in-bed with MnaJerkface while reading till the weee hours of the night. My hubby kicked me out of bed, even made me put the down book. HISS! SNARL! Okay, so it was 4am and the roosters were crowing. Cheers to the Jerkface's! Cheers to Team Twitards!

    Veri word: intil = RPattz keep it intil I says i'm AAAUUUUUGGGGG!!!! Yes . . Yes . . . Yessssssssssss!!

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  28. She must be Team Tyler. You know, the way the story shoulda gone is him actually hitting Bella with the van before Edward realized what was happening. :)

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  29. My mum was exactly the same, and I forced her to read all the books too, though she tried to give up after twilight cause she thought bella was a pain in the ass and described edward's face/body way too much, which I never seemed to mind. She's finished now and still doesn't get what all fuss is about, although BD was her favourite. I love your blog by the way, it's hilarious.

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  30. I love your mom! She needs to keep the emails coning! My mom just got Twilight in the mail from the books for the blind ( and there is a long waiting list for it there too). I was nervous about her reading it because I am the mushy sap and she's a snarky 70-year-old and I was afraid she would be a hater. She said "I really enjoyed it" and I thought I would faint! Now I gotta find New Moon on audio somewhere so she can get through it in time for the movie!

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  31. @Christina - Totally agree with you - Mommy not a Jerkface should totally guest blog!! That would be so great! Mommy Latchkey happily read all 4 books, loved them dearly, but much to my dismay, refuses to discuss them incessantly with me like I so crave!! So sad... plus, that bitch is Team Jacob! WTF?!

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  32. I gave my mom Twilight for Mother's Day. At this point I have stopped asking her if she's read it, because it's just not in the cards. Actually, at this point I am waiting to see how long it takes her to throw the "New! Unread!" book up on eBay - lol... (but seriously - this is how Sister Snarky and I gauge how well a present was received!)

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  33. Oh JJ, you bring my family closer together. I sent a this to my (sometimes a devil) Mother. I gave her the first two book for beach reading and she will soon start Eclipse. -

    "OMG! This is TOO funny! I totally agree with the Mom (not a jerk face) and sympathize with her plight. I could not put the books down but at the same time would have said all the same thing the Mom did! LMAO! Can’t wait to see the movie with you and Beck!

    I bookmarked the site so I can follow Jerkface and her Mommy not a jerkface’s continuing saga."

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  34. I totally agree with Mommy about the writing, definately not Pulitzer Prize material. For those of us who read a lot, a well-written book is a must. However, exceptions can be made in the case of Twilight and Sookie Stackhouse (I'm on book 3). The storyline is so fantastic, bad writing can be ignored, and movies/shows fill in some of the gaping holes. Enter the serious eye candy, and you have a match made in Heaven (or wherever). So, just enjoy it for what it is.
    P.S. Mommy Any Mouse chain-read the series, and couldn't drive to my house fast enough to get the next installment. Mother's day was spent with her and my 10 year-old daughter watching the movie. All males kicked out of t.v. room, and some serious female bonding going on. Three generations all lusting over Mr. Patz. I know, kind of yuck, but it beat cleaning out the garage.

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  35. Oh, your mom's head will definitely explode with Breaking Dawn! I can't wait to read about that!!

    I can't get my mommy to read the book, but she watched the movie. Her response, "It looked like a movie you'd like." Translation: I only watched it so you'd shut up. I tried.

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  36. your mom is hilarious!! I finally got mine to read it and now she actually thinks she's in competition for RPatz with me...it's quite scary. However her emailing me daily about whatever section of the book she was on was HILARIOUS...at one point she thought Sam and his "cult" were vampires...I laughed out loud...then finally she was asking me if E&B have sex, if B becomes a Vamp ever and some other random question. I told her I would only answer one question...she choose the Sex one...lol she IS my mother

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  37. Oh God, your mom is hysterical. I'm afraid to bring my Mom in too far on my obsessive Twilightness because I know she would try to have weird converstations with me about the latest "RPatz and KStew" headlines from the Enquirer. In public. Not using her inside voice. **shudder** Now I'm having mortifying childhood flashbacks!!

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  38. Love your mom's emails. Laughing already at the potential ones coming up . . . I can't even begin to explain to my mother the 3rd and 4th books. "See, the venom baby moves after like 3 days and then she has to drink blood from a straw to live. Because the baby can tell her she likes it. Yes, they killed that girl in the last book. Volturi mom, not Victoria. Get it straight!"

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  39. OMG!! I found your blogs a couple of months ago (the ledgendary 'love custard' one was my first, what a way to lose my twitard-virginity) and check in when i can to see whats new. You guys rock! I actually peed a little reading your mums reaction to New Moon!

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  40. Your mom sounds like my mom, I have not pushed the Twilight Saga on her because I know I would not hear the end of it! LOL
    Great story though...

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  41. Your mom is too funny!!! What's funny is my mom is the reason I read Twilight...lol She came for a visit, and I laughed at her for reading it...when she was done she sent it to me...I really didn't care to read it, but when I did, I couldn't put it down. Ten minutes after I finished I was on my way to Wal-Mart to buy New Moon...LOL Thanks Mom!

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  42. Thanks for all the comments!! When I told my mom I posted this she was, well, fucking mortified (AND notice I didn't swear once in the post! I think, anyway)

    If my mom doesn't kill me after Eclipse, BD will definitely do it. I'm torn between feeling gleefully excited that she's ready it but guilty because I know it's going to make her freaking head explode.

    She's definitely Team Tyler! Or Team Victoria, for that matter...

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  43. LMAO! your mom is amazing for putting up with you! my mom would whine like bella if i asked her to read twilight and she wouldn't do it. then she would get into how its evil and i shouldn't be filling my head "with that crap." LOL

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  44. I had to go back and check your post (because, honestly, sometimes you use the F-bomb like 'the' and 'it') and you're right! You didn't swear once... although I'm guessing she knows what 'frucking' means. Yes, I'm the cuss police.

    I still think she needs her own blog site.

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  45. Your mom is really funny! And you know, in my case it was the other way around: my mom read Twilight first and she just kept telling me to just read it already. At first I really didn't want to, but she wouldn't shut up about how cute, how lovely, how beautiful the story was... In the end I was like "Ok, whatever, I'll read it. Happy now?". Yeah... so it's totally my mother's fault that I became completely obsessed with anything Twilight related and have read the Twilight series so many times that I just stopped counting after the 5th or 6th time.

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  46. Oh I am laughing SO HARD right now! Your mother is a genius!
    My best friend is reading New Moon because I basically shoved it down her throat and won't talk about anything else until she finishes it.
    Let's just say, like your mom, she is a not Team Bella.
    That was absolutely fantastic and I am sending this link right now to said best friend!

    Oh and if your mom does make it all the way to BD, be prepared. She might disown you! :)

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  47. OMG hilarious! Can't wait to hear her commentary about breaking down.

    I forced my mother to read my Twilight books but now I regret it...she's had them for four months and I don't care if she reads them anymore I just want my books back! Grr!

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  48. Your mom is a freakin' riot! I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mom, *heavy sigh* but all I have is a hypochondriac of a mother who thinks every headache I have is really a brain tumor and ever scrap I get will cause me to get that body part amputated!

    Your mom's initial reaction to Twilight reminds me of my dad's reaction to my daughter's bedroom, of which I redecorated in a Twilight theme. My parents haven't been to visit in over a year so my daughter was eager to show them her room, she got the oo's and ahh's she was looking for and then my father pulled me aside and in a voice loud enough for my daughter to hear asked me what all that Twilight shit was in her room! UGH! Parents can be such downers sometimes!

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  49. I can't help but feel that the Mr.T reference was for my part. Even though I am just started reading almost a year after it was posted! lol I'm supposed to go work out today at two, but I digress. I think actually picking up my still unopened copy of new moon may just be better for me then a 90 minute work out! Maybe I'll hang out by the pool. I would take the book in with me if I wasn't so freakishly terrified of dropping it!

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