Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dazzled Into a Stupor By A Magazine Cover. Again.

Laaaaate last night I got an email:
To: Snarkier Than You, JJ
From: Latchkey Wife

Subject: Um, when should I get in line for this?
holy fuck. [yes, that was all she had managed to type before going catatonic]
And it had this image attached:

uhuhhhhhhh...dur... forgets own name, temporarily unable to hit "reply"...

From: STY

holy fuck is right. i am going to target NOW. i will wait there until this comes out. JJ, man the blog - it's for a good cause, as you can see...

and HOW IS HE SO FUCKING HOT?!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND... I JUST LOOKED AT THAT PICTURE AND I DIED. there. you killed me - happy? all this typing is just that twitchy shit they say happens after you croak.
I haven't been this completely dazzled into a catatonic state since I first saw the cover for GQ in the spring (this was the beginning of a massive state-wide search for the very first possible place to purchase said magazine and culminated with me practically having a spontaneous orgasm in the book and periodicals section of the grocery store when I finally found it).

Huh? What??? Sorry, I must have spaced out there for a sec...

After a few moments I was able to compose myself sufficiently to head off to bed. I was definitely in my happy place.

I had also read earlier - and apologies for not being more specific or giving proper credit but I read a lot of blogs and comments on any given day! - someone saying they were jealous of somebody else's Robward dreams because they had never had one. And, um, I realized I was jealous, too. Of a dream. That someone else had. And I completely related: I wanted one, too!

I have heard people say they don't dream. Or that they dream in black and white. Or that they never remember their dreams. I feel bad for them. My dreams are remarkably real to me. I feel emotions and see colors, details, everything just as it is in real-life (I'm kind of hoping this makes my brain special in a good way and not the "mental-breakdown-is-imminent" way). And last night I dreamed that I met Robert Pattinson. It is the fan encounter that I will never have! Yes, yes, I know that it is painful to listen to other people yammering on about their dreams, but Robert Pattinson IS involved, so I hope you'll forgive me. Just this once. Unless I learn how to have dreams like this every night, and then you'll all be in biiiig trouble.

...but since I can't, tell my about YOUR dreams, Snarkier Than You...

I was standing outside somewhere, with a small group of people--we were all waiting for you-know-who... Then a door opens and Rob comes out with a small entourage - he's clearly heading elsewhere. He starts to walk away - goes up a few stairs, but then turns and looks back over a railing at the hovering fans. I was thinking "I can't believe I am SO close! I could touch him! This must be what JJ felt like when she was set stalking! OMG!!!" I saw "the borrowed shirt" he's wearing in that magazine cover shot (bless you, LKW) - down to the buttons! And his jeans... Mmmmm... We all reached up toward him and I semi-shout "I love you!" [I am embarrassed to admit that I am 100% certain that this is EXACTLY what I would do if I was ever awake and in this situation. JJ's note - I wanted to totally mock you for this. Until I realized I'd do the exact same thing. Fuck]. And then he took my hand in his. I swear on a stack of Twilight books that I felt it - the texture of his skin as his long fingers curled around mine - soft! - and as he slowly raised my hand to his mouth, I felt his lips - also really soft! - and his scruffy face brushed against my skin as he kissed the back of my hand [btw JJ, I am officially a convert to "Scruffy Rob" jftr]. I felt the warmth on my skin. He was looking right. at. me. - holding my gaze! - and I about died. But rather than dying a nice respectful death right there on the spot, I continue to channel my inner 12-year-old and squeaked "I'm never washing this hand again!" And then as he and his group strode away, I started talking excitedly about how I needed to get to someplace where I could write about it and tell all of you guys exactly what happened. That's right: no more than two seconds after the event, I am thinkin' about my bloggy bffs. 'Cause I'm selfless like that...

Best. Tuesday. Ever. Although I sorta feel sorry for all the clients I'll have to talk to on the phone today because I have the feeling that I'm going to be doing a bit of daydreaming today...

I may not be STY but I want to have dreams about RPatts too!

It was so real! When I woke up, I lay there relishing the moment and replaying it in my head a few times and then threw myself out of bed and made a bee-line for the computer before the details faded. You know how dreams tend to fade fast once you wake up and get the day going - I didn't want to lose anything! After I speed-typed most of what you've read, I went to brush my teeth and for a nanosecond I paused involuntarily before I stuck my left hand under the water. Which I realized was because I didn't want to wash the kiss off. Swoon...

OK you can send the little guys in the white coats to collect me now. I absolutely, positively, 100% have it coming and I will go quietly, with a content blissed-out smile on my face... Please send me to Twitardia, though, ok? I'll see you there one day soon!

P.S. I am sorry Taycob, but I am tired of that "Official" picture of you they show on the cover on the magazine. I came across that very same pic but photoshopped in a very unfortunate way, and since then I only see you all feminine and stuff, thirty pounds of abs and pecs be damned.

I had to look at it and now you have to look at it, too.

Fine, fine - sorry about that! How 'bout if I make amends and try to ease the pain in your collective scorched retinas:

Mmmm... Same cover pic, no Taycob!

You know you want to hold my hand, too...among other things...

I'll see you in your dreams again tonight, STY...


  1. truly my breathing just hitched...umm i think i have been reading too much fanfiction again!

  2. This cover makes me wet just looking at it, don´t mention starring at it for a longer time. I just figured out that B&N also send to Germany and this time I´ll order it right away. I need to have this! don´t care about costs! Although shipping is even more expensive then the mag itself. Don´t care.
    This pic is beyond words ..

  3. I have never been the first commenter before (or even one of the first)! The pressure...

    First, the picture, no words. There are no words.

    Dreams - I have had a couple super-duper erotic dreams that have stayed with me for a long time. I can no longer watch "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe without blushing. Have no idea where that one came from, all I know is IT WAS GOOD!

    I am sad to say that I have not had a Rob dream, or at least one that stays with me. I have made up for that shortcoming by day dreaming about him at least 20 hours a day. Never gets old...

  4. I had a dream that I was in law school (random), and Rob was in my evidence class. He sat next to me and I asked to see his notes and he started playfully yanking them away from me, and we started this little wrestling thing...needless to say I was pissed when I woke up!

    I also dreamt of Jasper telling me I was a vampire...

    I always have crazy dreams!!!

  5. OMG!!!!! I am soooooo jealous! Seriously. I did have one kind of random dream with him once but, it was not this glorious. I so love that you said all the cliche things that a fangirl would say. That is freakin' jawesome.

    I think I read those same comments on some blog about the person that dreamt about Rob--perhaps there is some chant we could say before falling asleep....or we could count Rob Pattinsons instead of sheep.....we could count all the hairs on his beautiful face from the GQ cover (that resides next to my bed)...I am going to try it all dammit.

    You know what I think STY? I think he had that same dream last night and he hearts you and he hearts you bad.

    See you in Twitardia!

  6. OK, I have to say I read this blog on a dialy basis. Therefore I laugh on a daily basis. I have never felt the need to comment on any of the posts.....until today!

    I'm 33 and very happily married and super attracted to my hubby, that being said I had my first RPatz sex dream about 2 weeks ago, it was so real when I woke I was almost sad I was looking at my hubby!!! WTF....never in my life has an actor, person, vampire done this to me!!!

  7. UGGGH! Now I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight b/c I'm going to be planning my entire day around being able to search for this effing magazine. Think my kid can miss school so I don't have to worry about getting back from my search in time to catch his bus? I have a note all ready to go: Dear Elementary School, Please excuse my son from class today. I had a desperate need to satisfy my RPattz obsession, and since I am a horny Twifiend there was no way I could wait until after school. Think that will work? Hope so!

  8. I need to start counting Rob hairs before I sleep !
    Yes I soooo want to have one of those "was I really dreaming or did that happen" memories.Just This Once. Sadly Not Yet! .STY i was LMAO reading this post. In Your dream you set out to Blog to us! Holy Crap that was Hil-Hair-ious! I can not wait to see what opther dream confessions appear on this thread! And Yes - i am so jealous of all of your Robward Dreams, Bring em!

  9. Fuck. Me. I just had a jawgasm. How can one guy be so hot? How is that possible?

    Oh and yes, I too have had RPattz dreams. Initially he was Bobby Long, whom I met at a gig, but somehow he morphed in RPattz in the dream. I've no explanation.

    Still laughing @ "all this typing is just that twitchy shit they say happens after you croak"

  10. I have to wait till the 25th?!?!?! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Rob sends yummy shivers down my spine, from a picture, a FUCKEN PICTURE!!! idk what id do if i met that sexy piece of man, probably combust spot on!

  11. I think I have dream envy! That was a dame good dream STY!

    The only Rob related dream I'v had is - I was some place with Rob and Nikki Reed. I kept hitting her with a rolled up newspaper, yelling "Stop touching HIM!!!!"

    WTF to me!!!??

    That pictures makes me wannalickhisjaw so bad!

  12. I. Need. That. Magazine.

    No questions about it!

    What's odd is, I used to want to have dreams about him but didn't until I read Wide Awake... hmmm... maybe my subconscious doesn't love vampires as much as my conscious does... but now I dream about him ALL the time.

    And *puts on smarty-pants-i-have-a-psych-degree hat* there is some research that suggests that if you think about something before you go to sleep, you are more likely to dream about it. makes sense, duh...

    SO HAPPY ROB PATTINSON DREAMING LADIES! we'll all be in twitardia together one day :)

  13. I am right there with you ladies! I saw that picture and just about fell out of my chair...holy hotness!

    I have been lucky enough to have a few RPattz dreams...but the best one ever he was boyfriend, like hold my hand and tell me I'm beautiful boyfriend! We were cuddling on a bench outside of his lake house (yea, dream Robward has a lake house!) watching my daughter play in the water (don't ask me where her Dad was, if RPattz is involved I don't care!) He was telling me sweet nothings and then my damn phone rang! It was my Mom, needless to say I was very short with her and didn't even open my eyes cause I was trying to "save" my dream. I hung up immediately but it was gone...I still haven't forgiven her for waking me from heaven!

  14. Good lord that Jacob-in-drag picture is so disturbing it goes against nature, and I'm not even a Jacob fan!

    Has anyone noticed that in certain mags Rob's eyes look super blue? Do they airbrush? I just pulled out an teen mag from April which I will not even bother to name because it's that shameful, and his eyes are practically Crayola Sky Blue.

  15. Holy multiple orgasms Batman! What that man can do to my netherbits with just a look - through a fucking picture - should be illegal. Of course, if it were illegal, I'd just buy it in back streets like crack...

    I have a low-pitched voice, but it tends to get really high and annoying when I'm nervous. If I ever met Rob, I'm pretty sure only dogs would be able to hear me. I'd have to pretend to be mute or something.

    And I'm so jealous of people who have sex dreams at all, let alone ones with Rob!! My dreams are really vivid but totally random and disjointed like a fucking Dali painting. I always wake up saying "What the fuck was that?" never "Why couldn't that be real?" I'll just have to make up for it with plenty of daydreaming and Twiporn.
    To fanfiction.net!

  16. The sexy stars of New Moon... You know it took me several tries to find the damn GQ mag. I went to two different markets and then a drugstore. F*en HI, they suck here! So my sis scoured downtown and found it for me. I was too in shock to finally get it that it went into a page protector and is hidden from the grimey fingers of my children.
    And damn anyone that can have dreams of Edward/Rob. Maybe if I think real hard before I fall asleep it will happen.

  17. @VitaminR - if I had a pill that could make me have Robward dreams every night, I would totally take it. And sell it. And retire to Twitardia - lol... And I am totally mortified that I was a total fangirl even in my dream - but it's better than what I suspected I might do, which is the full-body Twihard Tackle. You've seen it - it ain't pretty! I'm sending good Rob-dream-vibes your way...

    : )

    Thanks to everyone who came out of the closet (or sort of did) to share their Dreamward stories - hopefully it will give us all fodder for future gooood night's sleep!

  18. @sparkle for twilight - I noticed the eyes thing too! I think that in some pics they enhance the eyes, but they're still pretty effing dreamy all on their own... Or maybe his eyes change a bit depending on what he's wearing or whatnot - mine are more green some days, more brown others. Or so I say...

    : )

  19. I'm still LMAO over your post- mortem twitchy typing. As for Robdreams; never had them, but I now have a new mission to concentrate on whilst I sleep. I am both jealous AND irrationally
    2nd hand squeeing over your virtual personal encounter. sigh. Twidardia sounds like a wonderful place to live. It won't be lonely,that's for sure! Ditto on all the magazine comments. I've decided this man affects our collective female DNA on a molecular level - can't explain why...like spontaneous combustion or sumthin.

    2. very, very disturbed by the she-wolf. Eeeeew
    3. I may have had a very similar dream... many, many times.

  21. So every year they add new words to the dictionary. When will they add 'jawporn' and 'jawgasm'? Which picture will go next to those words... hmmm?

    I'm a total starstruck geek when I meet ANYONE famous. If I ran into him (in my sleep or otherwise) I humbly refer to JJ's post about why she won't stalk Rob. All of those things and worse would happen to me. I guess I'll be buying another magazine with groceries, looking everywhere but at the pimply checker who's smirking at the 40-something idiot paying for it.

  22. I just want to say that all of you make me really happy. I had a luscious Rob dream once, and it was the very same soft lip kiss you got. I think the guy can travel astrally and he is actually visiting all of us who get to dream it, I swear it. There's no way we can feel it THAT physically without it being real. The high lasts for days. I find that reading some twismut or better - looking at videos like the one you posted the other day right before bed really helps. I am so happy I'm not alone in my dreamtime, because man are they fun. What a fine piece of man to dream about. You all are truly the best.

  23. ...and if I can successfully conjure up Dreamward, I'm going for the full body TwiHard Tackle. I know I'd go all "Bella" with the blushing and stammering if we met in real life, but I don't have to put up with my excruciating shyness in a DREAM for god'sake.

  24. @STY Can you post pictures in comments? I confess and say the mag was the April issue of Twist magazine. So what if I bought it for the teenybopper Twilight posters... I don't know what pic they used of Rob on the cover, but his eyes are as blue as the electric thing he's wearing.

  25. looking at pics of rob makes me feel pathetic haha. thanks a lot guys, if i had known that was coming i would have bought spare undies to work. now i have to walk around walk for the rest of day with WET UNDERWEAR

    p.s why don't i ever get any sexual innuendo-word verifications? lol

  26. @Cass--This is why there are pantyliners and this is why I wear them daily....underwear preservation.

  27. @VitaminR - wise words my friend! who knows a pantyliner wholesaler in Australia? im gonna need to buy in bulk!

  28. @STY - If you find that pill, gimme some! Although I think if I had Rob dreams every night and woke up soaked, lying in a puddle, my husband might start getting suspicious!! HOW CAN ONE MAN BE SO FUCKING HOT?

    GA DAMN! I just want one taste, just one little lick... one chance to run my fingers through that hair...

  29. Ok, be honest with me girls...would it be wrong of me to ask hubby to stop shaving every day and maybe grow his hair a little longer? Hmmm.....maybe a little sparkle dust, too...

    Totally off topic...I'm so totally stoked this morning! I FINALLY approached my bff from high school (we're still good friends, it's just a distance thing keeping us apart) about Twilight. I'd mentioned it in passing a few months ago and she hadn't seen the movie yet. I told her to read the book, so much better...fast forward to yesterday...I emailed her and just said "out of all my friends, you have the most potential to be a fellow twitard, so read the fucking books already!" OK, not exactly that, I TRY to be a little more tactful. I didn't want to scare the shit out of her!

    Anyway, she agreed to read them (yay). I did explain a bit more and included a link to this blog. I've got my fingers crossed that I'm gonna score me a date to New Moon!

    Wish me luck in my first attempt at Turning a Twitard! *rubs hands together and laughs maniacally*

  30. @Latchkey Wife- you're totally right! i want that pill too!! and i want that magazine!!! gaaahh!!! how how can be soooo fucking hooooottt!!! gaah!
    i 've had only 2 dreams with robert and each of them are from days i've seen a smoking hot video posted here in twitarded so a big BIG thank you on that. but man...my dreams were so...innocent, and, polite, i don't know, i always think if i ever meet him and get trapped with him for more than 5 minutes i'd be strippin him out of his frikin clothes, of course, of course, only if he wants to, but in my dreams...we only talked, and talked and found out we're soulmates or smthing like that...so.cheesy. i know. but i was the happiest girl in my office those days.

  31. haha! Bloody funny! Sorry but cannot tell my dreams, they are all for me and too bloody rude.

    Ok, shit! So now I have to go and buy this magazine and pretend whilst I'm at the checkout, yes, pretend, to call my daughter (that I don't have) and say "yes, honey I have the magazine for you". Whilst smiling at the checkout girl. Is that completely fucked up! haha

    This worked ok until my phone actually started to ring!! Then I had to make out to whomever it was that we must have just got cut off, they of course were completely confused.

    Could not find the GQ mag anywhere!! Still looking at every doctors office I go to and I don't care, I will swipe it, with no cares in the world.

    Total friggin bonkers, that's me.

  32. As a married woman approaching 30 I LOVE this blog :) Thanks for the magazine tip! I know where I'M going immediately after work.

    I distinctly remember the day that GQ magazine came out...First, for several days leading up to its release, I kept swarming around the local grocery stores and convenience stores checking the magazine shelves. I had these irrational fears like, what if it's sold out? Or, should I have a GQ subscription to ensure I get it? But the mailman will shove it into my box and I CAN'T have it bent - so that's a no! ;) Then when I finally saw the yummy glossy magazines sitting on the shelf, I took FOREVER sifting through, trying to pick out the perfect copy! I still keep that sucker wrapped in plastic to this day! What can I say? Rob made me do it!

  33. I wonder if Rob realizes he's responsible for a good part of the male population getting laid on a regular basis? One look into those *fuck me eyes* (whoever came up with that expression,yeah, got it right),and BAM, panties explode...brain turns to mush...and you never thought anything so cheesy was possible, but you actually feel a purrrr building in your throat. Woot woot Cougar in the house-just looking for someone to pounce on. Oops. Got carried away for a moment. I AM married. But I consider myself a cougar cuz my hubby's 6 months younger. Haha.

  34. No fair! I have not had a dream about RPattz. Unless that was the reason why I was dry-humping a pillow the other day...

    I can only assume that STY already has her mitts on a copy of this, since I believe it comes out today and I'm pretty sure her other copy of GQ is in pristine condition. LOL.

    @Twifixx - Indeed. There are a lot of men out there who need to be thanking RPattz profusely...

  35. I'll admit, I've had multiple Rob dreams myself (and in my dream I had multiple... never mind). I remember one time I woke up in the middle and had an incredible urge to just smack my snoring husband in the back of the head (I do love my hubby, really). Anyway, I'm starting to amass a collection of Rob jawporn magazines that would put a teenage boy's Playboy collection to shame. Should I start hiding them from my family under my mattress?

    (veri word "gooning" - not sure what it means, but it sounds appropriate)

  36. ok, don't hate me if i admit something...i have had just one rob dream. and it was NICE. but it was of rob as (gasp) cedric diggory...i blame my subconscious.
    although, i'm happy to have him in my dreams. no matter which character my brain chooses he inhabit :)


  37. GAH! It's so weird that you talked about your Rob dream, because I had an amazing one 2 nights ago... and it was so good I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face the whole day yesterday! Let's just say Rob can do great things with his tongue. I woke up feeling exactly like you did and immediately texted the only person I knew wouldn't call me insane and disown me as a friend. And she was jealous. LOL!

    Good times. :D

  38. i had this awesome response all typed up and my boss came over and I had to close it. damn. lost it.

    I have to have that droolworthy magazine STAT. I will find and conquer today and if that means I have to shove people outta my way, I'll do it. If that Robward wet dream making pill was availiable I would so have a script for it in a Hot minute. Oh yeahs.

    I have had a robward dream once, we were in a banquet room and I kept telling the waiter the room needed to be wider. WTF? Rob said something funny, of which i can't recall, and I know I went all fangirl on him....with the two girls i was with, they totally could have been you crazy biotches! I will be chanting somehting to bring on the sexxxxxay dreams tonight!

  39. I saw that picture with Robert saying "If I could dream at all, it would be about you" and my breathing stopped, hitched, came out in gasps. How the holy feck can ANYONE be that gosh darn sexy?! ;.; Aw Rob. And blah to the Jacob picture, Lipstick can't hide his hotness either.

  40. Oooh, that was weird. Saw half a post from JJ and then, poof! Gone. Something to look forward to :)

  41. I haven't had my Rob dream yet. I did have a sex dream about a fat guy I used to work with. What's up with that? God must hate me.

    OK.....This is too fucking much! My word verification is "fater"

  42. Ooooohhhhh hooooohhhhhhh my sex is on fiiiirrre... Just been watching the lovely long (hehe) Robward video again, since I can't find that damn yummy magazine here in Ireland. Crap!

    I forgot I did have a sex dream once, but in true Banshee dream fashion it made absolutely fuck-all sense. It was with a friend who's like a brother to me and my sister, so it was practically incest. He's by no means ugly, but still - ewwwww! *shudders* I need that Rob video again. Maybe if I watch it enough times I'll get lucky in my dreams tonight. Though knowing my luck it'll be with my gay friend from school or something. Sigh.

  43. Now that I have my new fanfic vocabulary I can properly express my sentiments about that pic.

    It is totes fuckhot and fuckawsome.

  44. he is so hot he's painful to look at..

    I have had some dreams of RPatzz..one in particular where we were completely infatuated with each other and I just wanted to get him in the sack

    pregnancy hormones raging now..

  45. I know I'm a few days behind but I had my own twilight related dream and had to share. I dreamt the saga was turned into Twlight on Ice with ice skating vamps and wolves (oh my). My mind must be all about marketability because I also dreamt there was a Twilight related adult beverage which from what I can remember was very sweet (like Edward's breath). I wish I could have dreamt something more erotic but instead I get Cullen icecapades.

  46. I know I'm a few days behind but I had my own twilight related dream and had to share. I dreamt the saga was turned into Twlight on Ice with ice skating vamps and wolves (oh my). My mind must be all about marketability because I also dreamt there was a Twilight related adult beverage which from what I can remember was very sweet (like Edward's breath). I wish I could have dreamt something more erotic but instead I get Cullen icecapades.


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