I may have totally stolen that line from Twilight Widower but it still applies to how I feel right now.
Once again, STY has posted yet another uber smexy, panty-wetting, mind-blowing videos of ours truly, Robert Pattinson. Normally, I just sit there, stupefied, and drool over how amazingly good looking that man is. His hotness usually sends my brain cells into some sort of Lemming-ish frenzy, rendering any sort of coherent thought useless.
I'm blaming it on the cold meds but this is the first time I actually, really tried to imagine myself boning Robert Pattinson. For some reason this concept has been an abstract one for me, mainly because I have a better chance of discovering Atlantis while walking home from STY's one night than I do of hopping into RPattz's pants.
As usual, should this rare, hypothetical event ever take place, it will most definitely turn out very badly for me. It would likely be a very short evening and not because of RPattz's supposed stamina. No, it will be a short evening because:
1) I'll take off my clothes and start clambering after him like Gollum after the Precious and RPattz will shriek in horror and curl up in the bathroom, all Crying Game-esque.
2) Inevitably I'm going to look down (or up, or sideways or wherever) at some point and realize, with a good deal of chagrin and mortification, that my not-so-sexy belly is smothering his rock hard abs. Seriously, it's going to look like the fucking blob swallowing RPattz's nether regions. I am banking on the fact that I would have enough pride to either flee the scene (fully clothed, natch) or possibly blindfold RPattz, in which case the evening may last longer than 12 seconds.
3) Or, I'm going to be so nervous that I'm bedding RPattz that I will, well, go back to this post and just apply all to this situation, too. Except that I will be naked. I can only hope he'll be gracious enough to let me put my panties on before he kicks my ass out the door in disgust.
One other option I can completely picture myself doing, because I'm a total asshole, is calling up STY or sneakily trying to text her.
Me - [texting] OMG, I'm doing RPattz!!
STY - Are you drunk again? Where are you?
Me - In some hotel. DOING RPATTZ!!
STY - WTF are you talking about?
[me, sighing heavily and dialing phone]
STY - [answering] WTF kind of drugs are you on?
Me - [whispering] dude, I'm humping RPattz.
STY - Are you for real?!
Me - [Squeals, then covers it up with a moan] Yes!!!
STY - Is he passed out drunk? Unconscious?
Me - Pthhhp. That's not important. What is is that I am getting all crazy carnal with RPattz!!!***
Er, yeah. Definitely not a good idea because, let's face it, the only reason RPattz would ever tap my stumpy ass is if he was paid a HUGE amount of cash (and this is even doubtful) or he was unconscious, which brings up all sorts of legal issues I'd rather not deal with. Amnesia, however, is always a possibility...
Note from STY - sorry, people - I wasn't taking JJ's "delicate condition" (or whatever state is it is that you achieve after subsisting on nothing but Nyquil for more than 72 hours) into consideration when I posted that video... Selfish of me, I know... Headed to her place now to make sure she doesn't have FSE in any compromising positions...
*** If you actually think I would take advantage of an unconscious RPattz, you're a twat. Get a sense of humor. End of discussion.