Monday, September 21, 2009

Jenny Jerkface Bitches About Breaking Dawn... Again

You all know I love and adore the Twilight saga. But, like many of you, I have a few issues. Most of them involve one book in particular...



I can't help myself. Every single time I read this book I want to punch a puppy in the face. Of course, this doesn't stop me from re-reading it... Maybe I need to explore my issues with puppies? Moving on...

Oh, yeah, and before I forget - MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven't read the book.

Why I hate Breaking Dawn:

1) The wedding thing - Snarkier Than You has already covered this and I heart her for it. Bella, you whiny bitch, suck it, marry the hottest vamp on earth [FOR FREE, I might add] and get over it.

2) Isle Esme - Let's face it - you all are pissed off at this, too. Okay, so we have a few bruises, some shredded pillows and a broken headboard, and then the next thing you know Bella is all tired and shizz and has a craving for eggs.

B-O-R-I-N-G.

What the fuck, Stephenie Meyer? You had no problem making Edward gnaw the spawn out of Bella's belly but you couldn't even throw us a bone(r)? Seriously? How about a little titty play? Cunnilingus? I mean, c'mon, we all slogged through three books holding out hope that eventually they'd just get down and dirty and do it already. The honeymoon scene was the fictional equivalent of whiskey dick. Lots of build up and fun, but no play when everything is said and done.

3) The pregnancy - this has previously been covered here. Oh, and since we're on the preggers topic... Renesmee is one of the most annoying names ever invented and god help the person I run into ten years from now who has a daughter named Renesmee. Just sayin'...

Oh Edward, I want you to chew the baby out of me but I won't suck your dick... [I've always thought this was a cool manip, but what's with the man-hands?]

4) Imprinting - Okay, nothing makes me more disgusted/enraged/perplexed/grossed out then this whole imprinting thing. SM can explain it all she wants--it still smacks of kiddie diddling to me.

I've been re-reading the whole part where Jacob meets up with Quil and "Claire-bear" [gag me with a dirty, rusty, diseased-infected spoon]. You know the passage, where Claire is all 'baby-talk' ["Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaaawl day", pg. 152] and Quil is all loving it because he loves her and...

fucking ew. [note from STY - I also just re-read that part recently, and that baby-talk shit is probably my least favorite thing in the entire 2500 pages-ish of the whole saga. Double ew.]

This is a toddler, for crying out loud. I don't care how 'pure' and 'innocent' Quil's love for Claire-bear is [shivers in horror] - he still intends to do dirty things to her one day. And he knows it, even if she doesn't yet.

It's just gross.

I get that Stephenie Meyers had to set the stage for Jacob imprinting on Renesmee, but still... The first time we read the books - I read them first and then started STY on the road to addiction 'cause I'm a good friend like that - she called me when she was part-way through Breaking Dawn. And she was livid! "Bella's baby is not going to be a boy, it's going to be a girl and fucking Jacob is going to fucking imprint on her, isn't he?! ISN'T HEEEE?!? FUUUUCK!"

And that bitch was right, as usual.

The imprinting thing makes me fucking nuts. I mean, think about it. Quil is a 17 year old boy who is in love with a three-year-old. Have any of you ever watched Law & Order Special Victims Unit? That's all I'm saying...

Forget New York City. They need SVU at the La Push Reservation. Pedophilia is running rampant...

It literally ruins Breaking Dawn, which sucked dirty balls to begin with. And...

Oh wait, I'm sick and cranky and tired. I probably should stop this rant.

{{{Sigh}}} Despite myself, I guess it's time to read a few more chapters and then get some much-needed sleep... After I calm down...

I still want to punch a puppy. And anyone who has imprinted on a toddler.

97 comments:

  1. I've gotta admit, BD was a BIG diasappointment. I'm glad I'm not the only one who re-reads it anyway, btw! And as for Renesmee, just plain ewwwwwwwww!!! I'm just waiting for the day when I have a Renesmee in my class. I will seriously have to resist the urge to punch the mother in the face and ask her why she couldn't just go with a Gaelic name like all the other yuppie Montessori moms (like mine)?!

    And yes, the imprinting thing creeps me out too. I can totally see Stabler from SVU smashing Quil's head against a wall saying "Imprinting?! Is that the best you can do, you sick bastard?!"

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  2. Dude, your commentary is VERY similar to mine.

    Stop whining, Bella. Enjoy your beautiful wedding that you did not have to stress about in any way whatsoever (no worrying about whether you'd invited this one or that one, or who would get upset because they got their invitation two days after someone else so clearly you love them less; and what I like to call the Great Cupcake Debacle of 2006... not that I had any stress at all planning my own personal wedding...)

    The "fade to black" cop out on Isle Esme is one of those things I do NOT understand. You are willing to talk about French lingerie, bruising, and move on to the infamous biting birth, but we can't get a hint? Emmett can make his jokes about knocking down houses, but that's all we get? Really?

    The whole Renesme thing drives me absolutely bat shit crazy. I was one of those who, as soon as she got pregnant, immediately said to a fellow Twi-harder "dude Jake is SO going to imprint on this baby and I don't want that because until now I've pretty much loved Jacob and this will suck. Hard."

    And then our big confrontation with the Volturi amounts to standing in a field staring at each other for Oh.My.GOD how many chapters? I was either facepalming or banging my head on the desk for more than half the book. The best part was the titles for Jacob's chapters. I'm being completely serious.

    And yes, I bought it. And yes, I read it. In the hopes that perhaps one day it will turn into a good book. I'm an optimist, yo.

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  3. I agree with you 100% on Breaking Dawn.
    My dislikes would be having Jacob have his own POV.I'm sorry for any Jacob lover but I just couldn't tolerate his POV sections.
    Also I hated the way Bella had her baby and the whole imprinting thing is gross no matter how you slice it. As for my daughter (who I can only assume SM wrote this for, right? tweens) Well, she asked me about this the other day. She too pointed out why Quil imprinted on such a young girl (as you pointed a toddler). I had to explain in greater detail and that he didn't age (which they don't right?) the whole thing is just fucking retarded. My daughter was completely grossed out as well and she's 11. Sorry if my thoughts are random. It's hard because I could write a paper on what I hate about Breaking Dawn but I'll spare everyone.

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  4. Hey, I'm reading BD right now! Imagine that.
    Here's where I come out of the Breaking Dawn Lover Closet... *deep breaths*
    1) I agree wholeheartedly. HOLY HELL BELLA!! What the fuck. Snap that boy up already! Goddammit...
    2) Rolling. On. The. Floor. NO SHIT!! Seriously. 3 books of tease. Then FINALLY- they're getting married! THE SEX IS COMING!! but, no cigar. MOTHERFUCK.
    3)and 4)- on both of these points my retarded "happily-ever-after" loving brain will not allow me to have a negative thought.
    Pregnancy makes me feel gooey inside. And since I already felt gooey, I honestly didn't care about Renesmee's name... kindofsortoflikediteven... moving on.
    I TOTALLY see the grossness of the imprinting. However, previously mentioned retardedness feels that it is never-endingly sweet that they just KNOW who the love of their lives is going to be, no matter when or where they meet.

    *points to self* SAP. Hideous SAP.

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  5. I honestly was able to accept SM's explanation of the imprinting thing without too much trouble. But it has been awhile since I've read Breaking Dawn. Was I the only one who just wanted Jake and Leah to hook up and run away? Far, far away, forever. Just saying.

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  6. Yeh I have to admit that out of all the books it is my least fave. And out of all the books it is the one I don't really bother with when I reread the series.

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  7. Okay, seriously going to bed after this, lol.

    I disliked the whole Volturi showdown. It was the same thing as Isle Esme in my opinion. Except instead of sex it was a fight. I don't like happily ever afters, sorry.

    @chiquitin517 - Yes!!! I really wanted Jacob and Leah to get together. I've made it no secret that I really liked Leah as a character and I was disappointed that he imprinted on Renesmee instead.

    Okay, I'm done for tonight. I swear. LOL.

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  8. dude i read a fanfic that totally changed my mind about the whole imprinting thing.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3822059/1/Dear_Diary

    i mean i guess its still weird. but the story is really cute.

    but yeah as soon as i got to the honeymoon scene i called my twitarded friend who got me into it and was like 'WTF IT TOOK ME 1500 PAGES TO GET TO THE THE FIRST SEX SCENE AND THEN IT FADES TO BLACK!?'

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  9. OMG!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. "Throw us a bone(r)"..."Man hands"...."kiddie diddling"...fucking hilarious. I loved it. Dead on. Thank you.

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  10. just finished a particularly angsty fanfic, crying my eyes out (note to self... avoid sad, tortured edward when suffering from PMS), and needed a little twitarded fix to cheer myself up. and yessireebob, you gals didn't disappoint! JJ, i agree in full. the only thing i would add is the huge build up to the non-battle at the end. give me some blood and gore and post-volturi-ass-kicking sex and i would have been a happy camper. total buzz kill. however, i too have read it many times... hmmmmm... and if i really do run into someone that has named their daughter renesmee, i will not be responsible for my actions.

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  11. I was hoping that Jacob & Leah would hook up too. Totally didn't see the Jacob Renesme thing coming. Did think it was weird but what saved it was that Renesme would age so fast. Now Quil & Claire, I don't know how he can do it. Bella's whole anti-engagement, anti-wedding at 18 thing ticked me off. Come on, your marrying the most gorgeous vampire ever, who is wealthy & can give you everything & loves you unconditionally! And why wouldn't you look at yourself in the mirror after Alice spent all day buffing & polishing & beautifying you? I understand the shock of it all but come on. The honeymoon fade to black was a downer. Atleast we got to see Bill & Sookie get it on. I will admit that I will continue to read BD again & again & again despite my biching.

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  12. You know what annoys me even more about Breaking Dawn... aside from all the obvious things that you pointed out JJ which I totally 1000% agree with!... the reviews on Amazon mostly *praise* the book!!

    It makes me wonder what the fuck is wroooooong with these twi-fans.

    This cartoon sums it all up for me:
    http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Breaking-Dawn-98016573

    You know what pissed me off even more about the wedding... Bella said she didn't want to be one of "those" people who got married out how highschool... well guess what honey you are one of "those" people. Talk about fickle and out of character!

    the Imprinting. NO, JUST NO!!!!! It's not cute at all except for Sam and Emily because they are consenting adults. And I totally saw the jacob imprinting shit coming a mile away when Bella said that her vampbaby was special and probably served some purpose...yea purpose to a lack of plot for the rest of the story!!

    Oh but WAIT, I have more that I'm angry about!... I REALLY wanted to see an epic ass whipping battle at the end of Breaking Dawn…one of Helm’s Deep proportions. Like one of the vampires looses control and accidentally kills a member of the Volturi, like that guy lost control in Two Towers and shot the one Orc as they were telling them to hold… that set off a reaction and Saruman’s Army just unleashed a shit storm of destruction and mayhem!! Then Bella unleashes her shield at the very end when all hope seems lost (kind of like Gandalf ..Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day) and saves all their asses! But NO!!!!! After reading page after page of build up to an epic smack down, there is NO fight…there is a gathering of vampires with perhaps the coolest superpowers ever and they settle their differences with words… wow. just wow.

    Yup I just compared it to LOTR, I am that much of a dork. Can you tell I've ranted about this before? Jebus I'm writing a freaking novel on your blog!

    You know I wouldn't blame any of the cast if they wanted to back out of the last book. it's going to seriously need some screen writing magic to make it bearable. JE and I are predicting a train wreck and having to hide in the twi-closet when it's released. Can we have midnight sun instead??????? Think about it an entire movie from Robward's perspective!

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  13. I couldn't even finish reading this post because BD gets me a little heated, majorly because of the imprinting. I just want to forget about that mess! Please just give us Midnight Sun!

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  14. "The honeymoon scene was the fictional equivalent of whiskey dick. Lots of build up and fun, but no play when everything is said and done."


    *LMAO*

    Totally spot fucking on.

    The thing that burns me the most is the "conversation in the field" amongst the vampires. It just went on FOREVER.

    It made the Volturi and all the other vamps look like the biggest pussies on earth. What happened to the hate filled catlike savage gonna-snap-your-neck-and-drain-your-ass vampires like Victoria???

    If I cuold rewrite any part of that book it would be how things went down in the field. THAT was the biggest crock of bullshit!

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  15. @Team_SixPack: I love LOTR too! Nerdy and damn proud of it. And a Helm's Deep style battle might just have saved BD from being the total train wreck it is. I agree about the movie. Oohhh, instead of the Chris Weitz Twilight remake, it could be Midnight Sun instead! Mmmmm, angsty Robward....drooooooool... I would so buy a production company to make that happen. If I had the money. Or the business smarts. Goddammit I suck.

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  16. I felt Breaking Dawn just jumped the shark in general.

    I would have been happy with the saga finishing with Eclipse and then let my own imagination take over.

    However, since BD had to be written, I would have had Belle and Edward get married, have their sex filled honeymoon and if a showdown with the Volturi was inevidable, then have it over the fact that Bella was still human.

    During the battle, one of them - Felix? - bites Bella and that's how she becomes a vampire. In the process, Edward, Jasper and Emmett take out Felix and Caias (hate that guy!) while Alice and Rosalie take out Jane and Alex.

    There's death, destruction, a little blood and Bella and Edward still get to spend eternity together.

    And.......scene.

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  17. OH MY GOD. exactly.

    I do love the book, but when they got to esme's island i was like.. aww damn.. here we go! Show us what you got Edward.. but then nothing WTF. the movie better not be like that, or so help me god someone is going to cop a beating.

    My cousin tried to expain that imprinting isn't dirty, all i said was. LIKE FUCK it's not. They don't want to mess around with the kid NOW.. but they see the potential in the future.. so that means technically, they have to find the kid attractive to begin with. YUCK. and that's why i have issues with the Werewolves.. cause it's dirty to imprint on babies.

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  18. I think SM (hee hee, SM) did enough upfront explanation about imprinting, so I wasn't creeped out with the baby thing. But for fuck's sake, you're right JJ, throw us a bone[r]!! I mean, my imagination literally "fades to black" PG13 style every time I read the Isle Esme chapters. Good grief. I've read Sweet Valley High books that were racier than that.

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  19. oh! and ONE other thing...

    Pillow Biting!! Did Stephenie Meyer grow up so sheltered she didn't know what the "double entendre" was for that phrase????

    Oh man it was hilarious and it STILL makes me laugh like a immature pubescent boy.

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  20. Imprinting definitely = Ickiness.
    When you read a lot of the anti-Twilight statements you can understand why people can't get past the imprinting part and puts them off completely.

    @STY - Thanks re our wedding pics. We have some beautiful locations in Aus. Our reason for heading to Thailand was about leaving the pretentious Aus wedding culture behind. So we did our best and headed for an island in Northern Australia instead. Having a golf buggy as the bridal car was a lot of fun!

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  21. Oh yeah, for the record I liked Breaking Dawn. It seemed like a nice way to end everything. Especially because before I read it I only wanted three things, marriage, sex and Bellapire. So although some parts were kind of cheesy, it had all the elements I asked for, and the rest was entertaining in an unexpected way.

    But I still love it when fans rip on anything Twilight related, so carry on. :)

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  22. @Team_SixPack OME I had no idea the other meaning of pillow biting!! Now the only remotely hot part of the honeymoon has been tainted :o

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  23. OM friggen G..I'm pissin myself.
    I have to say that I do like happy endings but yeah....SM needed to throw us a bone! I couln't take the scene ending with no play either...I figured that by the end of the book we would get something...but nothing!!

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  24. I guess I can understand the massive BD hate but I liked BD. It's my second favorite next to NM.

    The imprinting thing didn't seem that creepy to me. She explained it well enough for me.

    This is a "teen" book so I sort-of expected Isle Esme to fade to black.

    I thought the Earth would flip its axis after learning that Bella was preggers. That was a complete shock when I read it.

    The only qualms I had about it was Bella's confusion to her relationship with Jacob and the non fight scene at the end. I wouldn't have minded a few torn off limbs.

    So yea, I'm being Devil's Advocate and say that it's wasn't all that terrible for me. I enjoy re-reading it.
    =)

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  25. It would have made up for almost the whole book if SM would have killed most of the characters in the end fight. Jacob and Renesmee would have fled, the Cullen clan would have been in shambles and the series would have ended with something like a new beginning. A new story for us to imagine. And lots of tears, thus cementing the martyred characters in literary history. Instead we were given "They live happily ever after, forever and ever and ever..." Brave endings make for a memorable series. But BD is just memorably bad.

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  26. @ Team_SixPack the pillow biting reference has always killed me...how could she femme out edward like that?!?

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  27. what about when Bella is turned into a vampire and her and Edward fuck all night.....there's still no detail then!? for fucks sake, i agree with everyone that i read the entire series hoping for a sex scene....its like being built up to orgasm point and then not going over the edge!

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  28. I liked BD personally. The no sex thing was blah, but probably to be expected given the general audience. You must see it from that perspective, ladies, and try not to be too biased. I'm not a fan of the name Renesmee. I'd have rather Bella had her Edward Jacob. ^.^ And honestly, the imprinting thing doesn't bother me either. The werewolves juust see the little babies as like sisters or future best friends. And even if they do begin to see them as something more as they grow up, they'll be no different than any other boy the girls' ages. Boys will be boys. And since the werewolves aren't aging, I don't really see the problem. If Quil or Jacob were to see the little girls as sex partners when they first met them, then, yeah, I'd be heated. But I don't mind it so much. BD wasn't my favorite book of the saga, but I wouldn't call it the worst one, even with all the small annoyances. (A fight scene at the end would have been awesome, but I'm a sucker for a happy ending, so I've no problem with the end of the saga.) I suppose I'm biased in my own way, but I try to be objective. i can see why SM did everything that she did. A little sex scene would have been nice thrown in there a time or two, but would any of you really have wanted your young children reading that? i'm just saying.

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  29. I think the thing I hated the most was Renesmee's name. Everytime I read it I had to stop and say it out loud because it was so friggin awkward (RenEZmeee?..RenezMAY?.. what the hell?). I love SM and am obsessed with Twilight but, seriously, doesn't she know the two people who hate each other are supposed to end up in a hot lovefest -- Hello? Jacob and Leah? Hello? It's called chemistry and they had it! Then Jacob became a babysitter instead. Perplexing.

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  31. @emily ... I know right! even the sex "scene" became laughable like the rest of the book. Poor Edward! and poor Robward god help us if the script writers leave that in, he'll never hear the end of it. perhaps he should just RIP open a pillow or two instead.

    Damn you JJ look what you've started. I'm going to be bitching all night now lol!

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  32. Fucking right JJ!
    BD sucked donkey balls!

    Agreed on the wedding. I screamed at the book `Just suck it up Bella`
    Speaking of sucking (or lack thereof) - Isle Esme was a bigger cock-block than the boyfriend I had when I was a horny 15 year old that turned out to be a friend of dorothy (translation: gay). Followed by the pillow sex that will never stop me from cracking up `OM NOM ROUGH SEX NOM`.

    The uber-creepiness of imprinting. This is why I don't get "team jacob" people - really? you'd put up with someone that thought that that shit was normal?

    The pregnancy part - well I felt like I had fallen down the rabbit hole and into a David Cronenberg film, and damn it I couldn`t get out! Them, SM took back the typewriter and drew inspiration from fuck knows what and named the fucking kid Renesmee. Fuck. Me. Just think - if it`d been a boy we could have had Edwob Charlisle. I screamed at the book. I`d blame booze and drugs for this naming debacle but knowing miss mormon-goody-two-shoes, not likely.

    You know what also cheesed me off? The last chapter. I felt like I was reading SM's retirement financial plan. "Hmm -well if this is all I end up selling, at least I could make sequel after sequel after sequel."

    Twilight means never having to say you`re kidding.

    Feel better JJ!!!

    p.s. the deleted comment was mind - I saw a typo that was driving me batty.

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  33. JJ -

    I am 100% with you!!!! BD had beautiful moments but could have been SOOOO much better!

    Cause SM left us all with blue balls, I have turned to FF to get my Twipurv on and that has its own perils also. I just read "The Office" update and am still in tatters. Is it worth it to get some Bella/Edward action? I am debating that right now.

    Oh, I have been sick lately also. Being sick sucks ass.

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  34. One more thing.. When they make BD into a movie, if they don't fade to black for the birth scene and expand the honeymoon (with no fade to black), I will go all Incredible Hulk on everything within range. I swear, I will. This is one movie if they change up the book, I won't bitch or complain.

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  35. damn. i think i'm the only person (besides one maybe two above) who actually liked breaking dawn. i admit that there were parts that i think could've been better... but i uh, liked the story. please don't kill me fellow twitards. :)

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  36. I am going to say this nicely wait not I’m not- my dumb friend fucking loves this book. Bless her heart she is just not smart she is dumb as a brick. Not because she likes this book just because she has below average IQ. She just thinks breaking dawn is the best in the series and I have tried and failed to explain to her why it is NOT. So I just stopped trying. But the book is full of fail, for so many reasons. I am waiting for someone to use imprinting as a defense in court. Like that guy who got thrown out of Tesco’s for being a Jedi (poor guy). I have only read the books once through (in the first 5 days of February) I am going to read them again this week (I think) but yeah Breaking Dawn took me the longest to read because I wasn’t as into it as the other three because it felt very disconnected.

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  37. @Megan, despite all the complicated/convoluted little twists and awkwardness of imprinting, to be clear I also liked BD. Specifically Bella's Book One. I honestly (shh...) was not bothered by the "fade-to-black" actually prefer that it was done that way, because I think if she went into the details it really could have ruined the moment.

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  38. The whole imprinting thing creeps me out too....especially since I have my own kids.....dangerous territory and gives me the heebie jeebies!! My ex-husband, who was 13 years older than me, used to think it was funny when he would ask me what I thought my parents would have done if he had told them when he he was 18 that he would one day have sex with their then 5 year old daughter.....I told him I would hope they would have shot his effin' head off!

    Breaking Dawn was mostly a disapointment for me as well, (I had done a marathon of the series, coming late to this party) ....like SM gave up or ran out of steam and just phoned it in. I did like the transformation sequence though where Bella was discovering her new vampire self.

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  39. Couldn't agree more with this post.

    It's all just so true...

    and funny...

    and gross.

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  40. I honestly don't think a movie version of this will materialize. Summit and SM still have not reached a deal, there's no screenplay done yet, no director has been hired and I know at least Rob is tied up for the next two years. If they do get to do it, he'll be 25 - will he still pass for 17? I don't think so. Just look how his face has matured since Harry Potter.

    I don't think it will transfer well onto the screen - the birth scene alone will just be a farce.

    No. I think BD should not be made into a movie. It will be extremely anticlimatic.

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  41. I'm not going to complain about the book, as everyone else has certainly touched on all the topics.
    I would, however, like to point out a point of suckage that will occur in the movie, should it actually ever materialize - namely KStew's hellannoying piggy squeals of pain.
    I'm already cringing at the thought of the birth scene...as if I didn't already have plenty of reason to cringe!

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  42. As if I couldn't love you any more...then you do this.

    Jesus Christ with a crumb topping I love you.

    and also? The name Renesmee Carlie? sounds like some 16 year old Hannah Montana wannabe got preggo playing "just the tip" and picked a bunch of letters out of the scrabble bone yard.

    Sha-hit. Pa-hile.

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  43. JJ I am sad you are ill but man it brings out the snark in you and I like it!

    Admittedly I was a dimwit reading BD and did not see the Jacob imprinting on Renesmee thing until right before it happened. I literally groaned out loud. When Renesmee was named Renesmee I yelled out "No fucking way!" and woke up poor Mr. Vitamin R who was happily sleeping next to me. I scared the crap out of him. There should seriously be a freakin' Swedish baby name ban on that fucking name--I can't stand it! Bella would have never picked that name--it was sooooo out of character. I thought she would have named the baby after Edward's real mother--now that would have been a Bella thing to do.

    BD was a huge disappointment to me.

    I could go on and on and on but I have cramps and I am tired. I just need to part with how freakin' brilliant the SVU reference was JJ--Holy crap I love your sense of sarcastic snarky humor! I find Stabler strangely sexy--not sure why...another topic.

    OK, back to staring at pictures of Mr. StraddlePatz--I really need Photoshop.

    @LKW will you please photoshop a Rainier Beer label on Bella's face for me in the StraddlePatz photo released today? Please with RPAttz on top? Oh, wait, he already is on top.

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  44. So hiliarious...The Saga Mafia girls were JUST talking about this over the weekend during our little girlie weekend in the woods. CC is preggers and we were trying to help her pick out names. In all the drunkenness (except for Mama-to-be, of course), one of us slurred out Renesmee. We then decided then it is the MOST retarded name in the history of names.

    There is very little I actually like about Breaking Dawn, and JJ, you hit every nail on the head. The imprinting thing makes me want to barf, maybe because I'm Team Jacob.... It's just weird and creepy and, in my opinion, totally unnecessary. Bella belongs with Edward...that's obvious. Jake can just deal with it and the series can end with him having a broken heart. That's how the cookie crumbles sometimes, dammit!!! Everything does not have to be tied up with a little bow. Total cop-out on SM's part.

    And don't get me started on the war. I could not believe I just read hundreds of pages of practice and preparation for the most anti-climactic piece of trash ever....

    Seriously...if that book had been the first one, I never would have gotten to the second one.

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  45. JJ and Hitler were not dazzled by Breaking Dawn. I totally agree. Moxie wasn't dazzled either and my gripes are the same are yours and Hitler's.

    I'm re-reading BD now too because, for some reason, I must read the entire series each time. I can't stop at Eclipse. It's a sickness.

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  46. Yeah, I'm one of those who actually liked BD but still took issue with several parts... most of them mentioned already: No sex, stupid kid's name, and another anti-climax with the Volturi.

    The other part that annoyed me is the overblown JPOV chapters. Some people say it can't be done in one movie, but I think they can chop more than half of his 'should I stay or should I go' crap with no problem.

    Coincidentally, I just read an old interview by Angstgoddess (WA) where she explains her disgust with the book as simply 'lack of sacrifice.' In other words, nobody loses, nobody dies, it all works out, cue rainbows. Clearly she doesn't have your finesse and mastery of the English language, JJ (Oh Edward, I want you to chew the baby out of me but I won't suck your dick... which is why I live for this site BTW) but she makes a brilliant point. Damn it.

    Feel better soon.

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  47. And here is where you will dis-bar me as a Twitard. I L.O.V.E.D BD. Yep, I did. Not sleeved by the imprinting, not bothered by whiny Bella (well, a little) and although Renessmee is a fucked up name, I have no room to talk as my kids are Jalen, Neala, and - wait for it- Esme.
    But, I LOVE NM too! Yep, NM & BD are my favs. So, I suck and totally disagree with you. But in love JJ and STY anyway.

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  48. @mmMoxie @JJ You should totally re-post the link to the Hitler/Breaking Dawn vid--that cracked me up--that one even made Mr. VitaminR laugh. If any of you haven't seen it don't worry, it is actually quite funny.

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  49. Shit i watched one of those pedophile SVU episodes the other day...... now in my head im seeing the wolf pack as the nasty old guys ewwwwwwww

    Best line ot the post- "The honeymoon scene was the fictional equivalent of whiskey dick"

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  50. I've been a lurking of your funny-as-hell blog for months now and felt compelled to write. I totally agree with you about Breaking Dawn. Whew! Glad to know that I'm not "weird" for feeling this way.=) What frame of mind was SM in when she wrote this? Definitely not the same as when she wrote Twilight. Too bad.
    Anyhoo, keep up the awesome work! You rock! =) (Anonymous 37 year old mother of 2)

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  51. I hope to see BD on the big screen BUT we need a badass screenwriter, basically some badass film crew. It really needs a major re-write.

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  52. despite what i said before, I agree with someone [i don't remember who, don't make me scroll back up and find out] that i wouldn't want her to go into ALOT of detail in the sex scene, and technically SM is trying to aim at a younger audience, but she should have given us something. i don't want her to say "Edward thrust his sparkle-peen into Bellas bearded clam" she could have......i dunno used some metaphors?? SHES SUCH A COCKBLOCKER!

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  53. There's a fourth book?? Breaking Dawn?? Huh?

    Wait I thought that was all just a terrible dream. You people are telling me it's true?!

    No it really happened, I just tried to banish it from my mind. It doesn't even sit on my bookshelf with the others for all the reasons you've mentioned.

    Imprinting? Dudes that's just another term for paedo's grooming. There's totally laws againts that failcob! What happened man I used to love ya!?

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  54. Got to be quick because I'm supposed to be taking the kids to school - have to check Twitarded first of course, priorities right?

    Totally agree with everything, especially the Renesmee thing, have a look at my latest blog parody as proof :o)
    http://edbrella.blogspot.com/2009/09/hey-there-renesmee.html

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  55. Sweet jesus that post had me screeching like a freaking banshee!! (not pretty I know!) Relieved I'm not the only one who thought major lack of boner action sucked ass and also nice to know I'm not the only one who wants to slap Bella upside her pretty little head for bitching and moaning over a free wedding to the worlds hottest vamp! *rolls eyes* Jeez some people....! Anyway yesterday was a crap day and you have cheered me no end - thank you!

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  56. breaking dawn = covert mormon values/recruitment mission (obvious)

    first 3 books = volvo sales pitch


    fanfic= win

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  57. I still secretly hope that Stephenie left out all of the good stuff, to use it in a later EPOV version. I also still believe in Santa Claus.

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  58. alice, never thought about that - really like that idea!!

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  59. "The honeymoon scene was the fictional equivalent of whiskey dick. Lots of build up and fun, but no play when everything is said and done." Jesus christ, even sick you're fucking hilarious!

    I'm 2/3 of the way thru BD for the 3rd time and I'm liking it less and less... I still like Bella better as a vamp though. But every fucking time I get to the Isle Esme part, I accuse someone of ripping those pages from my book. Giant fucking blue balls!! UGH!! Thank the fuck for fan fiction!

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  60. Holly said...
    breaking dawn = covert mormon values/recruitment mission (obvious)

    first 3 books = volvo sales pitch


    fanfic= win


    LMAO....so true...

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  61. @Abigail - I'm with you, you're not alone!

    I Loved BD as well and totally overlooked Bella's whining, I was totally fine with the imprinting... for crapsake I'm reading a book about vampires and werewovles so I'll accept anything if the love story is good. I'll take all the stuff people are complaining about b/c I LOVED LOVED LOVED reading about Bella's transformation into a vampire. She was hot and I loved reading about it! And my imagination filled in all the details about the sex we didn't read about. Actually just reading about Edward panting or touching or kissing Bella's neck throws me over the edge (I'm such a light weight). AND I now have CW/IA to fill in all the deliciously naughty and salivating details!!!

    So, in the end - Loved Breaking Dawn... and think JJ, STY, and all TwiTards ROCK!!

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  62. I agree... Bella whines and is immensely ungrateful with regards to the wedding plans. She is handed a ream wedding.

    I dislike the name Renesmee in an irrational way.

    The honeymoon was too tame after so many books of build up. I didn't expect Penthouse...but I did expect something more.

    The imprinting does not bother me in the least. These are humans that have a different DNA than humans... so for me the imprinting is true to life in some species. No child molesting ideas entered my mind. What did was how Quil would spend the next 18 years of his life ensuring Claires safety and happiness.

    I think the showdown between the V and the C's will translate better in the movies than it did in the books...or it should do if they get the effect right.

    Be well ladies
    Jaima

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  63. I got totally jumped at another site for going on the record for hating BD. It is my least fave, but I do have to read it again on my frequent revamps.

    Ditto the reasons--lack of detail on the honeymoon, Renesme, lack of fight at the end, everything comes too easily for Bella (no thirst for human blood)

    Things I did like--chapter titles, Jacob POV, and the banter between J and Rosalie.

    I almost don't want them to try to make this one into a movie. Unless some miracle happens, I just will cringe at their attempts.

    I totally thought Jacob and Leah should run off together into wolfy happiness. C'mon he deserves it.

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  64. For all those folks who liked Breaking Dawn - don't worry, we still love you!! Feel free to tell me what a twat I am for hatin' on it so much, lol.

    Think of it this way - ML thinks Bruce Springsteen is the shit and I haven't dumped him yet. I can deal with differences in opinion.

    I'd say more but I think the fever has officially eaten away at my brain... blergh.

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  65. I have to chime in with my two cents because after reading JJ's post, I started re-reading BD.

    My issue with the book is that SM seems to be dumbing it down for the fans rather than just telling her story. Case in point -- Bella sees Billy at the wedding reception and Billy seems lighthearted "like he just got some good news." give me a fucking break. like we are so stupid that we couldn't put two and two together because in 4 more pages Jacob shows up. We have to be told so blatantly about what is going to happen in less than 1,000 words from now? It is infuriating because BD is entirely written that way -- as if we are imbeciles.

    Having said all of that -- I still read, re-read, re-re-re-read the series. I can't get enough even if the last book pisses me off.

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  66. I totally know what you mean about Isle Esme...I am rereading BD right now and I re-realized how much SM is a COCK BLOCK in this book...I think the first time it didn't really bother me because I was caught up in devouring the series that I didn't stop to reflect on what a buzz kill that honey moon was.

    The whole needing to get Law and Order SVU down on the rez was GREAT!! Stabler would have a field day over there!

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  67. Of course I'm with you 100%... It's damn good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've only read thru the series twice now (which is nothing compared to most people here I'm certain ;) And I was so angry the first time I read Breaking Dawn it made me cry and want to punch something as well (just maybe not puppies ;) Anywho, for me the problem was primarily Bella in BD. She reads like a whiny, manipulative, annoying bitch. The whole argument I read online where people said it "sounded like someone else wrote BD" is true. But I also realized something else (probably obvious). Stephenie wrote the first draft of BD *right* after she wrote Twilight. *Then* she decided to go back and write New Moon and Eclipse to make it a series. She fully admits (in interviews) that the main plot of BD didn't change between rewrites. So basically, she was so stubborn to keep her original bad ideas that she never even considered taking BD in another direction based on the character development in New Moon and Eclipse. It's kinda funny, because sometimes I think BD would make more sense if it took place YEARS after Twilight (not *one* year). But that's me being nice ;) What I really think is that SM stubbornly stuck to a plot that no longer made sense after writing the other two books. It's bad business, for lack of a better term. Stubbornly denying her audience what they want and, in turn, making herself look like a less-than-great-author -- which we all know isn't true!

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  68. @Twichotic I liked reading about her transformation too. I loved that scene with Bella testing her new vampire strength and arm wrestling with Emmett. If BD were a movie I'd like to see that in it. And I also agree with you that the little that Stephenie did write in for the love scenes was enough for me! I'm like a child and I dont read the FF out there.

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  69. I liked Breaking Dawn, but then I didn't. I did not like that Bella and Edward had a baby, to me it ruined the whole book. As for the imprinting thing, yea didn't bother me either. The whole point of it was for them to be like guardian angels to the little ones, if the child choses when she is older she may marry them. I feel bad for Jacob because he had false hope with Bella and SM just set it up again with Renesmee one day. What if "Nessie" does not want him!?!? Thats fine she gets to choose, but Jacob is bound to her forever it explains whether its friend or lover (when she is older) and that just peeves me off! To me thats like a personal slave or something *frowns* that is what irks me the most about the imprinting. I wanted Jacob with Leah & why must Renesmee age so quickly?! Its like at 4 months old she looks to be 5 years old and has the brain of a young adult. That is no child, where is the childhood innoncence? The whole point of being a parent is to guide and teach your child, and this child almost just as smart as her parents 4 months after birth. I don't think SM planned this book out well. I loved JJ's rant :D

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  70. Breaking Dawn did have good moments, but overall the book sucked! I am so tired of people saying that was there favorite book. My points:

    1) What the hell?? You are marring the hottest man and you get to fuck him, I would die right there!! STFU and deal with it!! I could step in for her!!

    2) Having a baby with a vampire??? WTF is that???

    3) "Super Bella" as I call her, she has so much control didn't eat the human ...blah...blah...
    Bella saves the day...blah...blah She can do no wrong. Everything is perfect.

    3) Imprinting, STOOPID! Jake won't age as long as the vampires are around so it makes everything ok for him to think he gonna be with the infant...gross!!!

    4)Book after book of leading us on and no moment where you think OMG they are doing to do it. The other books had build up, you could read the sexual tension. I was hopeful and it all came crashing down in BD. There was nothing there!

    P.S. Finally convinced my mom to read series(well she doesn't read she does audio books) so she bought audio books, so now I get to listen to them while I work. Bonus!!! Tanks MOM!

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  71. I still throw BD across the room at least a few times in disgust when it comes up in my "Twilight reading rotation." Apparently I don't hate it enough not to read it, but it still drives me insane (really, what was SM thinking?!).
    The books only got my Twilight fixation started; fanfic & Rob keep it going. BTW, you know there are going to be a whole slew of Twilight-named kids coming through the school system soon...

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  72. lol - it's true - what IS it with the books that even tough it gets us annoyed or genuinely angry/creeped out in parts, we still read and re-read??? I admit it's not my favorite book, although it had some good moments. i also liked the part where Bella's change is complete. And sure - so she's SO much better at being a vampire than she was at being a human - I guess we can forgive her that... I am a sucker for happy endings but SM could have given us a TEENY bit more honeymoon scene. Then again, we have fanfic - and our imaginations - to fill in the blanks, I guess...

    Even Sister Snarky was ticked that the "fight" (or lack thereof) didn't really happen and everyone lived happily ever after. I would have been disappointed if there hadn't been a clear ending where we know what happens to everyone (mostly) and I guess I'm happy on some level that none of the major characters dies, but there could have been a little more drama in there, ya' know??

    P.S. The best part of BD is finishing it and getting back to Twilight/Book One, imho. : )

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  73. God almighty damn you guys make me laugh so..fucking..hard. Thank you for making my day everyday.

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  74. I know that I’m going to catch a lot of flack about this post; therefore I am posting it as anonymous. I’m a coward and I embrace it!

    I completely see both sides of this. When I was reading the series for the first time, I was alarmed at being a 30 something year old woman completely engrossed, or should I say obsessed, with a series of books found in the young adults/teen section of your local bookstore. Every time I got to an intimate moment that Edward and Bella shared, I blushed like a young schoolgirl would. I can only imagine what my reaction would have been if I read this series as a teen. (Laughing inside…. Like I was spending any of my free time reading as a teen! Ha!)

    If this series had been written for an older audience, ah hem us, I would have loved to see a little more smut included, but still not to the point of porn. I have a rather active imagination and can come up with steamier situations than a (still love her!) Mormon could have ever written.

    Completely fucked up sidenote: Is everyone aware that Mormon’s are not allowed any position other than missionary? Oral is a BIG no no! Sex is viewed as a woman’s obligation to fulfill her husband’s needs, and for procreation purposes. UGH! No wonder this woman can portray the desire and passion between the two and come (hehehe) up with nada.

    My rant about the wedding is also going to piss a few off. Sorry. Okay, not really. I’m anon on this post…. Catch me bitches! Where was I, oh yea, the wedding. I would have LOVED it if all my wedding details were taken over by someone else! And a psychic no less! Ha! Go ahead…. The headache is all your’s! Bella still had a part in the planning, albeit a small part. At the end of Eclipse, there’s the invitation that’s sent to Jacob. Edward stated he was breaking the rules doing this. They had obviously had to make out the invitation list. Headache one. Who to invite? This caused more than a few arguments when planning my nuptials. This one won’t come if that one is there. I loved this person, but he hated them, etc, etc, etc. We also know that she had fittings for her dress. The book told of the final fitting, so we don’t know how many others we missed out on. Thank you SM! So we don’t know how involved, or not, she really was. BD just skipped that stuff. Again, thank you SM!

    And let’s keep in mind that Bella hates to have a spectacle made over her… Hello? Don’t buy presents, don’t stare at my amazing car, etc. This was done over and over again for her in the series, and she always liked the results. Hated the fuss, but liked the results. True to form with her wedding.

    I also completely understand both sides when it comes to her whining about, “I don’t want to be one of those girls that get married right out of high school.” I get it. I was the girl that was practically married all through high school. Married the high school sweetheart, and baby made three very young. I never wanted to be that girl, and then I met “him.” It’s a terrible argument that takes place between the heart and the brain. My only problem that I had with that situation was that she had already chosen to be with him forever. She wanted so badly to be changed to start their lives together. BUT, she didn’t want to marry him. Huh???? I want forever with you, but I don’t want to make if official. I yelled out loud at her about this one. A mock Ricky Ricardo voice even appeared. “Lucy! Ju got some splainin to do!”

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  75. Had to chop up my anon rant. (too many characters)
    Ok, so I absolutely 100% agree with Renesmee’s name. Horrible. I had expected SM to name her after Edward’s bio mother. She is the one that begged Carlisle to save Edward after all. Love the middle name. (I’m a fan of Ms. Simon’s, so Carlie works for me) BUT Renesmee. Really? I think we all stumbled with that one every time it came across our pages. Ugh! Her. Thank you Jacob for nicknaming her Nessie!

    The imprinting thing honestly didn’t creep me out. I’ve read it over and over again and it still doesn’t. Wouldn’t we all love to know who we were meant to be with? Who would always be there for us? And we, the female in this f’d up sitch, still have the power to turn him away! Hellz yea! Save me the time from dating all the losers I’ve met since the big D. What a waste of time! Dating! Ugh! I would love for someone to be delivered to my doorstep with a warning label attached. “These are his faults:” Complete detailed list provided of course. “You will be able to deal with these faults, and you two will live happily ever after.” SCORE!

    And lastly…. The non fight. I was totally disappointed in this. Even looking at the audience it was geared towards. “Use your words.” Ugh! Give me a friggin coup already! I soooo wanted the “witnesses” the Vulturi brought with them to start things off. I imagined them realizing all the injustices that the V had brought about and being pissed, not fleeing for safety. These are vampires we’re talking about, right? Not kittens.

    Ok, rant over. Commence with the stoning.

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  76. I LOVE it when you bitch about Breaking Dawn! As much as I too hate Breaking Dawn, it's what led me to fanfiction. So, I guess it's a love/hate relationship with BD. It's all hate with Jacob/Nessie though.

    P.S.
    Please don't punch my puppy.

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  77. Why does Bella get pregnant the first couple of times she has sex? I mean, I know there's a younger audience out there where abstinence is the norm and I know Edward is the shit and can impregnate someone simply by looking in their direction, but really? The fun part for them was over before they even left the island. SM didn't even give them the blissful kid free years of marriage where the sex is good and the obligations are few. Boo.

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  78. @theDarkAngel: You are so right! I forgot all about Forever Dawn (wow, that must REALLY have sucked donkey balls) and it really does seem like she just couldn't let go of that lame-ass plot even after doing really well with the other two sequels. Next time I re-read the books, I'm totally going to try resisting Breaking Dawn. I'm kinda OCD about completing stuff, though, so my hopes aren't too high...

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  79. I agree that BD sucked. I was so hot to get to it that I didn't even notice Bella's bitching about the wedding...but when the honeymoon was such a huge non-event I sat up and said, "WTF?" He's MAD at her??? He's POUTING? The LEAST Steph could have done (since she gave us absolutely nothing juicy) was to make him say something along the lines of "wow..that was great (insane, fabulous, best sex ever, you are my hot little muffin, I love your cherry juice, etc. etc. etc.) but I almost took your head off and maybe we shouldn't do that again..." but no, she has to make him BITCHY. BUZZ KILL. Must be the mormon-guilt thing.

    Here's what I think would have made a better BD:

    (1) Less bitching about the wedding (too true, STY and JJ);
    (2) A fabulous hot honeymoon (I don't mind filling in some of the blanks to keep it appropriate, but geez, a little more action please - give us some hints about what we should be fantasizing about..)
    (3) The indians at Isle Esme have some secret method for turning old vampires back into humans (didn't anyone else want to see them both be normal humans at the end??), but it means Edward has to go away for a year (sort of like when Han Solo got frozen) to de-vamp. Bella is now not immune to the joys of the flesh (sex, that is, not blood) and Jacob tries during that time to tempt her into letting him satisfy her. The tension in the novel is all the ways in which his hotness tries to break her defenses...He isn't successful (of course! Edward is TOTALLY worth waiting for), and in the end, Jacob goes off and makes Leah very, very happy (wink-wink) and realizes that Bella is to him like Ashley was to Scarlett...not what he really thought she was, all along.
    (4) Edward wakes up a human and Bella nurses him back to strength with lots of McLovin and eventually they have a normal child that they name after Edward's mother (YAK on the Reneesmee). Jacob babysits once in a while with Leah, but that's the extent of his involvement with her. (As it should be...)
    (5) The Volturi come looking for Edward and Bella are destroyed in a freak forest fire and animals eat their charred remains (OK, haven't thought this bit out very much...)
    (5) They grow old together happily and die one day.
    The end. :0

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  80. SM is a Mormon? Noooooooooo!!! Am I the only Twitard who didn't know? Well fuck me. I knew she was a little conservative, but a Mormon? I am a very tolerant person and I never rag on other people's beliefs. But Mormonism irks the shit out of me because it's just so lame. I apologise to any Mormons reading. Also, I'm posting this anonymously because I am a giant coward. Peace out!

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  81. Besides all the very excellent points you all have made on BD; all that made me really want to throw the book at someone, I have another bone to pick with it.
    (I am going to read the comments after this, so if this has come up before - my apologies)

    Did SM really need the whole pregnancy angle in the first place to factor in the conflict with the Volturi that we knew was coming ever since New Moon? I knew where she was going right in the beginning when Carlisle talked about the vampire babies/toddlers and I hate when books turn out to be that predictable. Really ups the yawn factor. And that lame ass Isle Esme honeymoon didn't help any.

    Another thing that really got my panties in a bunch was the ending. I thought Cullen and Co. were going to stake the Volturi's asses to dust. I wanted a big climatic, epic battle but WTF was that awful sorry excuse for an end? Really, SM? Really? (say in Amy Poehler/Seth Meyers voice)

    There was so much potential in the whole Volutri conflict situation, what with Bella discovering her new powers and Edward finally not behaving like a sissy anymore. But heck, it was not even a basic, old-fashioned good vs evil showdown.

    So we get through 500 pages of whining, emo honeymoon, a stupid pregnancy and a graphic birth process (couldn't she have glossed over that part a la Isle Esme?), fucking Jacob's POV (sped read that part, ftr), creepy imprinting business and collection of eclectic characters for this? Fucking waste of time.

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  82. I wanted Edward and Bella to die in the end.

    And I like them.

    The ending made me crave human blood....

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  83. LOL...I concur...you guys are friggin hilarious...

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  84. I actually enjoyed BD, it was fun, as opposed to gut-wrenching like the previous three books. The only thing that made me really mad was that SM went into every minute fucking detail, and then she skipped the sex part - especially the honeymoon sex. Oh come on! You can't do that SM! No, no, no, after I've read what, something like 1500 pages waiting for Bella and Edward to finally fuck... what a huge disappointment, sigh!

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  85. In re Puppy Frustration Therapy, try waterboarding them---VERY satisfying without leaving prosecutable damage. :)

    I liked the comments about imprinting which, as you pointed out, is something right out of the NAMBLA Handbook. The least convincing aspect of all of this is the reaction of the parents and guardians of the kids thus lusted after. I have a 10-year-old granddaughter and if some teen or 20-something came up to me and told me that he loved her and was "destined" to mate with her when she came of age, I would take my well-honed USMC Ka-Bar and make VERY short work of his 'nads.
    Meyer can explain it all she wants, but the reactions are NOT realistic at all.

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  86. And I fucking agree with gwen over me here, fucking agreeing with you. BD was WEIRD. I know 99% of this story is as fictional and out there as it can get, but at some point I said to myself: "no, this isn't possible!", and suddenly thought of aliens and X-Files. Meh. In my head vampires and shapeshifters are more realistic to the world than frikkin' alienbabies with idiot names. Maybe that makes me weird, not the book. Hehe. Renesmee. The book would even be better to me if she had a more normal name. NESSIE. Bah. :/

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  87. So I'm totally late leaving my two cents on here, but I cannot help but join in the rant.

    The only good thing about BD is that it drove me to seek out fanfiction. I didn't hate on BD right away... honestly I read BD more than any of the other Twilight books simply because I was desperately trying to make sense of it. I was hoping if I read it enough, I would finally understand what drove SMeyer to go in the direction she did with this story. I just end up hating it even more with each pass.

    Sure there are good moments here and there, but not enough for me to say I loved how everything ended. What I hate most about BD is that instead of getting Edward's POV for the pregnancy, we get Jacob's. WHY??!! I'm not saying this only because I'm partial to Edward, but I could only imagine how much more interesting Edward's side of the story would be, especially since he's got insight into everyone's mind during all those bizarre events.

    And in my opinion, the only thing was worse than the unresolved sexual tension was the fact that Bella and Edward had no meaningful dialogue at all in BD. No resolutions, no clearing the air... it only seemed like Edward became nothing more than Bella's cheerleader, watching her pie-eyed while she grew closer to Jacob, who of course was naturally part of the family now, since his compulsion to imprint on their newborn baby guaranteed he was going to be part of their happily ever after.

    Good lord, have mercy. Again, WHY??!!

    @Honolulu Girl- thanks for sharing what you did about your daughter asking about the imprinting. I have a tween, and she wants to read BD, and I straight up told her no because I have no idea how to explain what imprinting is without the conversation eventually leading to the topic of pedophilia {{{shudder}}}.

    @Twi-Me? LMAO! I loved your outline for what would've made a better BD... if you haven't already done so, you should seriously write that out in fanfic ;)

    *sigh. All I have left to say is thank the heavens for fanfiction... and of course, for Twitarded too!

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  88. its creepy for jake to imprint on Nessie...but i dont like the idea of her in the first place...if i were bella i would have been like get this kid out of me its going to take away from my bedroom time with edward.

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  89. i'm ultra late to the twitard party. but i just have to say how much fun i'm having reading old posts and not feeling alone in my new found addiction!
    when i started reading eclipse i skipped forward to the honeymoon, because i was tired of waiting for them to do the horizontal mambo. enough with the neck caressing and finger sweeping, I was going to spontaneously combust! you knew the mormon author wasn't going to give it up. the movie better indulge us a bit more. oh well, not like i won't watch it a zillion times anyway and use my imagination.
    thanks for making me laugh!

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  90. Why does Bella get pregnant the first couple of times she has sex? I mean, I know there's a younger audience out there where abstinence is the norm and I know Edward is the shit and can impregnate someone simply by looking in their direction, but really? The fun part for them was over before they even left the island. SM didn't even give them the blissful kid free years of marriage where the sex is good and the obligations are few. Boo.

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  91. I think the thing I hated the most was Renesmee's name. Everytime I read it I had to stop and say it out loud because it was so friggin awkward (RenEZmeee?..RenezMAY?.. what the hell?). I love SM and am obsessed with Twilight but, seriously, doesn't she know the two people who hate each other are supposed to end up in a hot lovefest -- Hello? Jacob and Leah? Hello? It's called chemistry and they had it! Then Jacob became a babysitter instead. Perplexing.

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  92. You know what annoys me even more about Breaking Dawn... aside from all the obvious things that you pointed out JJ which I totally 1000% agree with!... the reviews on Amazon mostly *praise* the book!!

    It makes me wonder what the fuck is wroooooong with these twi-fans.

    This cartoon sums it all up for me:
    http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Breaking-Dawn-98016573

    You know what pissed me off even more about the wedding... Bella said she didn't want to be one of "those" people who got married out how highschool... well guess what honey you are one of "those" people. Talk about fickle and out of character!

    the Imprinting. NO, JUST NO!!!!! It's not cute at all except for Sam and Emily because they are consenting adults. And I totally saw the jacob imprinting shit coming a mile away when Bella said that her vampbaby was special and probably served some purpose...yea purpose to a lack of plot for the rest of the story!!

    Oh but WAIT, I have more that I'm angry about!... I REALLY wanted to see an epic ass whipping battle at the end of Breaking Dawn…one of Helm’s Deep proportions. Like one of the vampires looses control and accidentally kills a member of the Volturi, like that guy lost control in Two Towers and shot the one Orc as they were telling them to hold… that set off a reaction and Saruman’s Army just unleashed a shit storm of destruction and mayhem!! Then Bella unleashes her shield at the very end when all hope seems lost (kind of like Gandalf ..Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day) and saves all their asses! But NO!!!!! After reading page after page of build up to an epic smack down, there is NO fight…there is a gathering of vampires with perhaps the coolest superpowers ever and they settle their differences with words… wow. just wow.

    Yup I just compared it to LOTR, I am that much of a dork. Can you tell I've ranted about this before? Jebus I'm writing a freaking novel on your blog!

    You know I wouldn't blame any of the cast if they wanted to back out of the last book. it's going to seriously need some screen writing magic to make it bearable. JE and I are predicting a train wreck and having to hide in the twi-closet when it's released. Can we have midnight sun instead??????? Think about it an entire movie from Robward's perspective!

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  93. OMG!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. "Throw us a bone(r)"..."Man hands"...."kiddie diddling"...fucking hilarious. I loved it. Dead on. Thank you.

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  94. Okay, seriously going to bed after this, lol.

    I disliked the whole Volturi showdown. It was the same thing as Isle Esme in my opinion. Except instead of sex it was a fight. I don't like happily ever afters, sorry.

    @chiquitin517 - Yes!!! I really wanted Jacob and Leah to get together. I've made it no secret that I really liked Leah as a character and I was disappointed that he imprinted on Renesmee instead.

    Okay, I'm done for tonight. I swear. LOL.

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  95. dude i read a fanfic that totally changed my mind about the whole imprinting thing.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3822059/1/Dear_Diary

    i mean i guess its still weird. but the story is really cute.

    but yeah as soon as i got to the honeymoon scene i called my twitarded friend who got me into it and was like 'WTF IT TOOK ME 1500 PAGES TO GET TO THE THE FIRST SEX SCENE AND THEN IT FADES TO BLACK!?'

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