Thursday, September 3, 2009

The New Moon Minis: When Action Figures Attack!

It's Frankenward, Muffin-Top Girl, 'Roid Boy & Helmet Hair - RUUUUUN!!!

Let me preface this by saying I love my Edward Cullen action figure. When he became available last winter, JJ and I ordered ourselves a pair; hijinks ensued. Sure, he is a little..."odd" looking, and isn't very cooperative when it comes to being photographed. He doesn't bend much. His wardrobe is extremely limited and his face is always shadowy. Plus he falls over. A lot.

Don't tell Mini-Edward, but between you and me, I would have traded him in for the younger, spiffier, unblemished-from-constant-travel New Moon Mini-Edward model faster than you can say "Twinkie" if it wasn't for the fact that "new"/New Moon Mini-Edward is an abomination. He looks more like one of those freaky spikey-haired kids that used to be on that "Growing Up Guido Gotti" show than Edward Cullen.

"Yo Bella, I traded in the Volvo for an IROC - let's go for a spin!"

Seriously, I have problems with this Edward. He looks all...bulky. His shoes are clunky, his pants are ill-fitted and they have an old-man-suit rise. Plus the jacket makes him look linebacker-y, and his head is disproportionately small relative to the rest of his body (this might just be the camera angle. maybe). Show me one thing on this monstrosity that captures Edward's Grecian God beauty and grace! And fuck my life that I am actually genuinely irritated by the lack of resemblance between a fictional character - a vampire, no less! - and the action figure based on it. I don't think there is help for this kind of problem, and if there is, I am sure that 1) it's obscenely expensive and 2) my medical insurance doesn't cover it. Did I say fml? FML.

"GRRRRRR... Which way back to laboratory, Dr. Frankenstein???"

Admit it: you can see the resemblance... I would also like to point out that Frankenstein has WAAAY more movable joints than Edward and his tiny minions, who appear to have none.

Oh New Moon Mini Bella, what has NECA wrought? Why does it seem so easy to eff up the miniature replica of a cute teenage girl??? I've seen cuter Bratz dolls, and they're fugly. Bella is supposed to have soft, round features, yet your angular, mannish face looks like it's had bad plastic surgery, your shoes look like cheap Converse knock-offs, and I don't know which of the toy designers you scorned, but they definitely created you with a muffin-top spilling out over the top of your jeans - and have you been drinking? Because that's definitely a lil' beer-belly pooch, too.

Um, plus you kind of look like you wanna kick my ass... {{{shivers}}} Was it something I said???

On to Jacob's over-done beefcakeyness - I don't think I've seen an action figure this buff since He-Man...

Your pecs are impossibly big and you can't put your arms at your sides...
Your neck is like a chuck roast, so thick and meaty...

If this whole Twilight Saga thing doesn't work out, there's always Chippendale's or modeling for International Male catalog...

And does his shirt come off?! I'm thinking "no" - that this is just something some lonely action-figure creator conjured up one night after seeing Taycob's 24-pack and borderline-disturbing pecs...

{{{sigh}}}} But I suppose it could have been worse...

"Hi! I'm Alice's Grandma! C'mere and let me pinch your cheeks... Aren't you glad they never actually made me? Because my prototype is frightening! I made Ashley Greene cry - true story."

Did Alice EVER have auburn hair? Did the person who hashed this thing together before Comic Con last year glance at the specs and then realize too late that he'd painted the hair the color the eyes were supposed to be??? That's my theory, anyway...
Sadly--but not surprisingly--Alice didn't fare much better this year... She's not supposed to look all butch, for fuck's sake! Since when is she a member of Panic! at the Disco because what the FUCK is that get up she's wearing? Is she wearing a tie and vest?! Alice is supposed to be all elfin feminine beauty - what about that looks says "pixie"? Nothing, that's what...

So will I be plunking down my cash to buy these things? Nope. I really wish that NECA would hire a Twilight-obsessed consultant to help them get the look of their merchandise just right, because clearly they need help. NECA needs me and I'm available! I'll even work for free-ish. They can pay me in Twilight gear! Good-looking Twilight gear! However, since that's not gonna happen, I guess I can always hold out hope for a hot Eclipse Mini-E...

In the meantime, I still have my faithful companion:

Buck up, lil' guy - I still love you and your ming-reading abilities the best!


  1. Somewhere my Mini E just breathed a huge sigh of relief, 'cause there ain't no fucking way I'm buying that fugly NM Ed (he's so awful, he doesn't deserve the entire name). And you're so right; Bella looks PISSED. Maybe she's PMS Bella.

    Finally, I want an Alice action figure that, oh, I don't know, LOOKS LIKE ALICE! *crying*

  2. I totally bought 3 sets of these monstrosities (me, Bitches, and SIL FC). Totally ug, but I figure they may possibly come in handy during the midnight know those things will hurt like a mother when thrown at some little tweens head because she's shreaking too loudly.

  3. Yeah, creepy. I like your nicknames - all appropriate. That one shirtless Jacob doll looks kinda realistic though -scary.

  4. Definitely creepy. Mini E isn't going anywhere if those are the alternatives. (Not that I would ever want to replace him!) And he says he wants nothing to do with that pissed off Bella!

  5. Holy crap those are ugly! You think they'd learn about the over-muscular thing after those hideous Han, Luke and Lando figures and that fucking angry-looking Princess Leia Hasbro did a few years ago. That's right, I'm a total nerd, geek and whatever else you wanna throw at me. Only my younger cousin thinks I'm cool. My point is, at least Hasbro fixed it and made proper, non-steroid-abusing male figures and a Princess Leia that didn't look like she was gonna mess you up.

    I LOVE collecting action figures and dolls (as my family will gladly tell you before asking you to help them kill me) and I'd love a set of New Moon figures, but these are just so fucking ugly! Is it too much to ask that they actually look like the people they're supposed to? Is it?!

    ps. Love your nicknames, STY. Seriously, I almost had an asthma attack from laughing so hard!

  6. Ya, those fuckers scare me. I'll keep it short since I had too much strawberry daquiri tonight and am afraid I'll say something I'll regret. LOL! When do I ever regret anything I say!! Rock on. Oh, and ya, these new minis suck ass.

  7. Did that first Alice figure really make Ashley Greene cry? Awwww... And I totally agree about the new one's outfit, though I was thinking more of Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance. The hair too. Actually it could just be a Gerard Way figure. If he got breast implants. *shudders* Thanks for that visual, brain. "When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to join the Pink Parade..." *snickers*

  8. Aaaaaah! My eyes! My eyes! Well, it is settled my first true action figure love will not have any competition and New Moon mini-E will not infiltrate my one and only's ming reading capabilities either....I do still kind of want a sunglasses E though.

    As I have been saying for forever they totally need some Twitard consultants for this shit--WTF? Bella looks like Rumor Willis with long hair or something--I dunno I can't quite pinpoint it but it is ALL wrong. NM Mini E looks a little more like Rob but Rob on roids or something. Me like tall, lanky, scruffy, Rob..oh, uh, sorry I was daydreaming for a second there.

    I can't even talk about Alice. Taycob looks kind of true to form but, um, nope can't do it....if his shirt comes off for real, well then maybe, for my Team Jacob friend that is, I might get him.

    They need a Twitarded focus group at NECA STAT! Duhoy.

  9. You are way too funny for your own good STY....

    My favourite line of yours would have to be

    Buck up, lil' guy - I still love you and your ming-reading abilities the best!

    I lost my shit right there...
    ming-reading.. I was laughing for days after I read that on the back of mine..

  10. Of the new set of dolls, I wayyy do not like the Bella. She looks more butch than the Alice one. Look at her stance, she's all "Shut it bitch I'll fuck you up". I mean don't get me wrong, if they wanted to make a real Bella doll, then we all know it would have to make stinky fart faces and blink (A lot).

    I love my mini E. Actually I was uploading work photos on to my comp. and I discovered that my two daughters had been taking several pics of Mini E at the beach.. They gave him soda, put him in a tree.. I got to watch these girls and my camera.

  11. Too Funny can't even talk...

    I think Meca have alot of explaining to do....

  12. Oops typo.. Neca.. I meant Neca.. Sorry..

  13. Yes, the new action figures suck balls but I'm still buying them, at least Jacob. He always gets the shaft and I feel bad for him. Jacob deserves to go on some adventures too!

    I still think the Bella and Alice dolls look like lesbians. Think of all the photo opps between those two alone!

  14. I have to wonder if some of those action figure makers or whatever they call themselves are on crack or something. There's a Dean bust but he looks like the guy from Mad Magazine. And there's a Faith action figure that looks mannish.

    I think Bella might have been made from the same mold as Faith. It is sad when they can't even give something that looks remotely like the people. What's a girl to do when she wants to add to her ever growing collection of action figures. The other action figures would make fun of these. Oh poor Alice where did they go wrong with you? That does look like a tie.

  15. i sort of like nm edwards face, but why does he always need to be angry? And why are his pants pulled up past his belly button!

    Bella - *shudders*

    Jacob - not a bad likeness

    Alice - fuck her life

  16. well i have to say i am buying a miniJ in october. i have a long standing +the mini adventures of MiniE+ photo jurnal...and i think Mini E and Mini J epic battles all over Austin...that just seems awsome!


  17. If I bought these I would lose the last shred of dignity I have left. I'd rather spend my $$ on the nice RPattz poster calendar everyone is talking about. Besides, what good is an Edward doll without "real hair" you can style?

  18. LOVE the nicknames; totally appropriate. and i like FireCrotches idea what to do with them lol!

  19. Bella totally looks like a dude, wearing his little sisters tank top.
    Edward's givin' Urkel a run for his money, with wearing his pants so high!
    Roid boy! Hhhaaaa so true!

    Way to fail NECA, way to fail.

  20. I think they meant to make a Jasper doll and accidentally put Alice hair on it ...

    I'm thinking I'll end up with Pocket J, and maybe NM B as Twi B is hideous ... we'll see

    NM Ed has linebacker shoulders (are those 80's shoulder pads in his jacket?!?) and those pants on him are just weird!!!

    Besides all that, after seeing the Italy Robward pix, how can you not be inspired to make a better doll than that?!?

    LOL!!! my word verification was osuck! I swear it generates based on post content!

  21. NM minis are almost as bad as the ken and barbie Twilight dolls!

  22. DH found my Shades Mini-E this week. Let's just say that's not a good thing. He already thinks I've lost my marbles.
    I can hardly wait to get my Edward Barbie! Sharon Zuckerman (the woman who designed Edward for Barbie) said "It doesn't suck to run your hands thru Edward's hair".

  23. @fragilelittlehuman - "PMS Bella" - bwahahahah! That's perfect!

    @Fire Crotch - definitely would hurt like a mofo - especially Jacob (he's got to weigh more than the others!)... how much does a set go for, anyway?

    @TwiFixx - You're right - they did actually get Jacob pretty spot-on - which is frightening - lol!

    @Kristin - I hadn't even considered that but yes, Twi-Mini-E would definitely have a hissy if I came home with any of these... Twi-Mini-B and Shades-E wouldn't be too happy, either!

    @Banshee713 - I've never been a collector, but I had Star Wars action figures back in the day! Who didn't?! They were cool... And when done right, more realistic looking! It's not so hard, NECA, really! Sheesh... And I don't know if Ashley cried, but I sure would have if I were her!

    @Latchkey Wife - Mmmm... Strawberry daquiri - yum! What - were you and your fiance whooping it up last night? We all know he has a thing for the fruity drinks... : )

    @VitaminR - that so true! Bella totally has that Rumor-Willis-weird-face! Good call! 'Cause she's an odd looking chick, for sure...

    @Anonymous - I love the "ming reading" too - they sell them on eBay for more! Or at least they try too... Too bad I am having too much fun with mine since I am sure that they'll be worth more someday new-in-box as the "first edition" Mini-Es!

    @Honolulu Girl - OMG if they came out with a "tipsy/blinky/stuttery" Bella I'd buy it in a heartbeat - how could I not?!

    @MnR - I am incapable of leaving a comment that doesn't have at least one mistake in it, so that actually made me feel better - lol! : )

    @mmMoxie - Soooo... Shirtless Jacob or fully clothed Jacob??? We need to know!!!

    @Barbara - I think you are on to something there - they must just be recycling their molds!

    @cass - yup! poor Alice... And Edward's old-man-pants - {{{shudder}}}

    @Anonymous2 - let's see the link to that photo journal!

    @Z Any Mouse - I definitely think the poster is a wiser investment... I figure once I get my hands on the new US New Moon magazine, I could cover most of my bedroom with RPatts! Or maybe just the ceiling... Hmmm... Do you think Mr. Snarky will mind??? lol!

    @Quilt Nut - I like Fire Crotch's idea, too! Just as long as I don't have to sit in front of her in the theater... : )

    @Track 10 - "Urkel" - haha!!! I didn't even thing of that but those pants are definitely at Urkel-level - yuck!

    @Twinatic - I think they borrowed that jacket from the set of Dynasty or Dallas - totally 80's throw-back! And I think YOU just get lewd-sounding veri-words because you're lucky like that! : )

  24. @OutOfTheTwiCloset - I saw some SCARY effing OOAK Twilight deolls yesterday! You have no idea! Or maybe you do... Some were better than the "official" dolls, though, in all honesty!

    @Kelekia - I think I must have gotten the same look from Mr. Snarky when he found my Shades-E - he really thinks I went over the edge! And, um, I guess i did... Actually he looked at me and said "You know, I could have made you a tiny pair of sunglasses for about two cents..." (and it's true. oops.) : )

  25. Sheesh! Every one of those little fuckers looks like they have a 'roid problem...hemroids, not steroids.

    I think now I'll go back to hot topic and see if I can still find the original Mini E, even if he does come with Bella. Sure, he's kinda scary looking, but could be worse...and it apparently is with the NM figures.

  26. omg. WTF is with edward's pants. THEY'RE UP TO HIS ARMPITS. this is neither dashing nor sexy. we need to have a little chitchat with whomever made the final approval on this shit. > : |

  27. I think mini NM B resembles Miss Piggy in a brown wig. In fact both girls appear to have rather large nostrils. Are they flaring them? Is PMS B getting too excited standing there in the beefcake frankenward sandwich? Is Jasper-with-the-wrong-wig, I mean Alice, getting angry standing next to the werewolf?

    W/V: Figiblen. Don't know what it means, but it sounds Brittish to me? Confession time: I've started watching BBC America just to hear the brittish accents. There's some freaky shit on BBC. I kinda love it.

  28. I gotta joke for you, and appropriate for you post too!

    What does IROC stand for?

    Italian Retard Out Cruising.

    I think I got that from Adam Sandler.

    I thought you guys would appreciate it! And yes, New Moon Edward does look a little 'Gotti' lol!

  29. Hey guys! Sister Snarky used to work for Children's Television Workshop (aka Sesame Street) and she was responsible for making sure the Elmo dolls (and all the other merch) were the right shade of red, had the right size and shape eyes, etc. - so she had some thoughts on this post I'd like to share with you... Her email below!

    Hi sis - Just read the Twitarded post regarding the action figure dolls - hilarious as usual. As someone who, in her former pre-kids life, used to product manage toys (including figures, OK not action exactly but those of the furry Muppet type, but still) I thought I might shed some light on why these look so f*cked up.

    First and foremost you gotta understand that anything plastic in this country, especially toys, are made in China. If you look closely at the Twilight figures, they all look slightly asian in their facial features (WARNING: This is like an optical illusion, once you actually process this likeness in your brain you will never be able to look at them without seeing it - so sorry...). Those hard-working folks in the Chinese sweatshops (er, I mean factories) just can't help creating all beings slightly in their own image.

    Secondly, these same Chinese workers rarely leave the factory. Which means it is very unlikely they have ever seen the Twilight movie. They probably got their idea for what the characters should be wearing from an old copy of Annie Hall that was kicking around (hence the outfit on Alice).

    Thirdly, these people wear you down. Even though there must have been someone on this side of the hemisphere who was sending back revisions and trying to make the characters look less like cyborg versions of themselves, they would continuously come back looking the same if not worse than the last time they got sent back. And you have the toy company breathing down your neck about how you have to get these things on the shelf for the holiday season or everything is going to hell and all those little Twilight lovers who are counting on Santa to leave an Edward or Bella doll in their stocking will be heartbroken and you will virtually be causing them to lose millions of dollars and after awhile you just say f-it and approve it just to be done with it.

    Lastly - in all her glorious creative brilliance, Stephanie Meyers obviously never put in her contract that she had the rights over any merchandising of her characters (and honestly, who would have figured?). If she had, she would have final approval and I guarantee these characters would look much, much better, if we had action figures at all. And what kind of world would that be?

    Love you -
    Sister Snarky

  30. The Gotti hair - that's rich! None of these NM figurines are doing it for me. Save for the Jacob doll, sans shirt. He may end up coming home with me. I envision lots of sandwich pictures. All I need then is an Emmett action figure (properly done, of course) and I'm set!

  31. Forget Twilight merch, I just got my Twitarded apron!! YAY!

  32. Holy Crapazoids! These things are scary! And not in a good way! And really...I probably could have dealt with the weirdness of their looks if they fucking made them bend! Why can't these little dolls bend? Don't they understand how frustrating it is to do a Hump Day position with two very UNbendy dolls! Geesh!
    On a side note, Ms J has informed me she will be purchasing the Jacob doll...for photo opts of course. LOL!

  33. They are super scary, esp. Bella and Alice. I don't know why Eddie's pants have to be all Urkel-ized, but am I the only one who doesn't think he is completely terrible? I wouldn't kick him off my nightstand. :) Of course, my heart will always belong to the original Mini-E. :)

  34. Maybe in New Moon, Tomb Raider Bella kicks Edward's ass for leaving?

  35. The growing up Gotti comment was so fucking awesome, I mean really, DH even stopped breathing a little!!

    @Desiree, what, Twitarded apron you say??? I'm SO getting one and making DH pose for you all in it!! Now, what sexual favors am I going to have to trade to get that pic......

  36. I can't stop looking at Panic! at The Disco Alice. It irks the shit out of me. These figures are all just creepy.

    And I'm pissed as shit that Edward looks like a fucking guido. Fuckin' Irocs. And since Jersey seems to be the home of guidos (though I have heard that Staten Island is actually ALL guidos), I tend to run into them from time to time.

    Jersey State Bird - Goldfinch
    Jersey State Tree - Red Oak
    Jersey State Douchebag - Guido

  37. Mini J looks SOO much like Taycob because Neca bought the blue prints for TL from Disney (underground super secret laboratory where they create their "stars").

    I'll probably still buy them but keep them packaged - might be they'll be worth something some day. I get Alice's outfit (she wears it in NM at some point) but I'm sure they could've picked out something less dark. TY, Neco, for pissing on our party.


  38. So But knowing me, I'll buy the damn things anyway...hell I even ordered the creepy Twilight "Barbie and Ken"...I need help.....

  39. I can't stop laughing at the 'ming-reading' abilities. I'm sure this has already been covered, but I'm new, so gimme a break. Have you Yanks ever heard the word 'minge'? It's British slang for, um, ladyparts. Yup. Well, he's welcome to read my 'ming' any day...;D

    @STY It probably would have been worth more if you left him in his box, but I'm a shameless deboxer so I totally understand. Oh and speaking of creepy OOAK dolls and those darn fugly Bratz, I saw a prom night Edward and Bella repainted Bratz on eBay once. I wish I had a photo to send you because holy fuck they were scary. Like 'The Evil Dead' fucking scary. *shudders*

  40. Is it me or does NM mini-butch Bella look like the chick from True Blood in the face? Weird. Scary. All of them. Except original Mini-E of course.

  41. @Banshee713- That is just too funny!! Ming reading abilities= Ladyparts reading abilities. For some reason that typo struck me as funny from the get go. Little did I know it wasn't a real typo, but just our STY being a clever little Minx.
    @MrsCullen-yes I saw the Anna Paquin resemblence too, but didn't mention it cuz I like her. :D

  42. @STY - Thank Sister Snarky for the China explanation. It explains alot; I just thought Edward was squinting angrily at Jacob.

    Re: NM Edward's pants. Did they not use Italy photos for reference!? Those fuckers were sliding off his hips. Not riding his ribs.

  43. @Twifixx: It IS a typo - on Mini-E's actual packaging. That's what makes it so funny! Especially on this side of the Pond (I'm Irish. We watch a lot of British tv cos our own sucks balls). And being English, Rob's got to have heard the word minge. I'd love to see his face if he saw it...XD

  44. Banshee713- Well that story just keeps getting better and better! I didn't know the actual packaging was mislabeled. Btw I've never been to Ireland but my maiden name is "O'Connor". :D

  45. @Twifixx: That's a western name, so your family was probably from Galway or Mayo. It's really pretty out there. Do you have dark hair and light eyes? That's the classic Galway look.

    And Edward's ladypart-reading abilities are still cracking me up!

  46. @Banshee713: haha- yeah I find Edward's ladyparts reading skills completely apropros.

    (My siblings & I all have dark hair/ dark eyes after our Hispanic mother, but one of my daughters has blue eyes.--combination of my father's Irish and husband's Polish.)

  47. @TwiFixx: Oh okay. I have black hair and grey eyes. My Dad's roots (if you go waaaaay back) go back to the west. I don't even look Irish. People used to ask my mom if Dad was Greek or something. So I was just curious how strong those western genes are. Thanks!

    Veri-word: lubst. Who the hell comes up with these things?! I am soooo lubsting after Robward and his minge-reading abilities right now...

  48. @STY - Thank Sister Snarky for the China explanation. It explains alot; I just thought Edward was squinting angrily at Jacob.

    Re: NM Edward's pants. Did they not use Italy photos for reference!? Those fuckers were sliding off his hips. Not riding his ribs.

  49. The growing up Gotti comment was so fucking awesome, I mean really, DH even stopped breathing a little!!

    @Desiree, what, Twitarded apron you say??? I'm SO getting one and making DH pose for you all in it!! Now, what sexual favors am I going to have to trade to get that pic......

  50. Is it me or does NM mini-butch Bella look like the chick from True Blood in the face? Weird. Scary. All of them. Except original Mini-E of course.


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