Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The VMAs [and how I missed them]

I want to be that microphone. Or his thumb. One of those.
[Thanks to Robsten Lovers for the pic!]

As I was navigating Twiland early yesterday morning in a desperate attempt to catch up with the news [and by "news" I mean "exclusively Twilight-related events" but I am assuming you all know that] I realized that I had missed something very, very important. While I was in a media blackout during our trip home with some random awful in-flight movie assaulting my senses - it may have been "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" but I refused to get sucked in - something BIG was at play in the Twidom.

The VMAs. For some reason, whenever I see initials my warped little brain immediately has to twist it into something disgusting or sexual. Or both. So, instead of thinking 'Video Music Awards' I think 'Vagina Meets Anal'. [Note from STY: wtf is WRONG with you?!]

Yeah, I need help.

What? Did you really think I was going to Google Image 'vagina meets anal'? Even I know that would end badly...

Anyway, despite having missed the actual awards themselves, I did gorge myself on pictures of KStew, RPattz and Taycob and perused more than a few blogs for commentary. I even stumbled across a fuzzy video of the Taylor Swift/Kanye West debacle. Man, that guy is just a living, walking douchecluster of the worst kind. What a fucker.

I have to admit I'm kind of sad I missed this year's VMAs even though I don't think I've watched a VMA since, like, 1992. Or ever, for that matter. Of course, my desire has nothing to do with the actual music or videos, since the only thing I know about Taylor Swift is she mucked up my commute one day when she played at Madison Square Garden. Who the hell needs five huge buses on tour, anyway?

It had to do with the Twilight cast.

Taylor "Third Wheel" Lautner looking mighty fine in his suit. Too bad it's not helping his game. Tough luck, kid.

Regardless, I'm sure you've all seen the photos that are everywhere online. This one, in particular, started the Jerkface engine revving.

Now, before anyone get their panties in a bunch let me just say that I LOVE KStew's haircut. I think it's incredibly flattering and it looks so much better than that ratty ass mullet that she had (which, strangely, I liked as well). I'll be honest, KStew is a cutie.

But what the fuck is up with this girl's posture? I've noticed it before in other pictures but it's really quite obvious in this one. She looks like a damned hunchback or something. Normally, she has a rather wide legged stance that is equally baffling. I only stand like that when I'm on a subway and have nothing to hang onto to stop myself from falling over. Is she concerned she might just suddenly tumble to the ground for no apparent reason? Is KStew actually a combination of the Quasimodo AND Bella Swan? Inquiring minds want to know.

It's like that annoying 'hipster shy' pose that Vice Magazine mocks the shit out of every issue...

If you think we're mean you need to read this magazine. You ain't seen nothing yet, baby...

C'mon, you know what stance I'm talking about! Toes pointed in, knees slightly bent, bashful expression directed toward her Chuck Taylors, hands clasped sheepishly behind the back. It's the kind of pose that's barely tolerable if you're five foot ten and one hundred pounds. Otherwise you just look like a total moron. STY - if I ever stand like that, please punch me in the back of the head. Thanks.

It's like this... but more ironic...


  1. I see that pic of Robsten with Taycob trying for dear life to look like he's holding his own as a romantic lead in that little threesome and all i can think of is the conversation Rob & Kristen must have been having:

    Rob: So you wanna get the fuck out of here and go back to the hotel?
    Kristen: As soon as possible! Gah - I hate this stuff!
    R: Me too - we totally should have phoned this in from the set... but then we wouldn't have joined the mile high club on that private plane, sooo...
    K: Mmmmm... Are you gonna do that thing you know I like?? You know the one...
    R: You know it - with my tool... My big tool..
    K:Oh shit Taylor's right there! Oopsie...He's still looking at us, isn't he? Fuck...

    : )

  2. "Normally, she has a rather wide legged stance that is equally baffling. I only stand like that when I'm on a subway and have nothing to hang onto to stop myself from falling over. Is she concerned she might just suddenly tumble to the ground for no apparent reason?"

    LOL! Could it have anything to do with standing next to Rob? I'm pretty sure I'd feel like falling over and/or tumbling to the ground with my legs rather wide, too ;)

  3. @STY - HA HA HA!!! That's fucking great. And probably totally true.

    @sprtzmom1721 - Okay, to be totally honest, if I was standing next to RPattz, I'd probably have my legs spread wide open too. Preferably while I was on my back...

    Did I go too far?

  4. I've been so wrapped up in fan fic that these are the first (Twilight/New Moon cast) pix I've seen from the VMAs! (obviously I didn't watch...mainly because I live in PODUNK USA and they weren't on...yes, I'm a poor schmuck who doesn't have satellite)

    I've noticed KStew's bad posture as well. Perhaps it comes from hunching over your laptop for hours on end...I dunno, my CPA has the same posture...just sayin.

    BTW...she stole my hair cut! The color is different than mine...I'm not exactly sure what color my hair is anymore! I guess it's kind of a "desperately trying to cover the gray hair with highlights" color.

    Poor Taylor...so obviously alone... Whatever. I can't even sarcastically feel sorry for him.

    Welcome back, JJ. We missed your...whatever you call it! Hee Hee!

    Veri word: Hypsynat...does that sound dirty to you, or is it just me?

  5. Thank you for keeping this short and sweet (something I have yet to master) because I died at: annoying 'hipster shy' pose. I didn't know that there was a name for such thing, and I'd like to say for the record that is like the official pose of the Free People catalog, which now I realize why I never order anything from them.

    I thought Kristen's hair was cut too, but then I saw a blurb about how it wasn't, that it was just pinned. I loved that she mixed it up with her look at the VMAs bc I think she's really pretty regardless, but yeah, even my mom commented about her posture. It is a little true she seems to be straddling the ground for heel support. I was also surprised she spoke with such energy, but I feel like that energy might have been like for her own laughs later.

  6. Lol...quasimoto/BellaSwan... Yeah she falls somewhere in that range. She uses that pose, clutching microphone with two hands, shoulders hunched, head jutting forward to convey sincerety when she's telling the fans "thank you SOOOOO MUCH......" (Kinda reminds me of the goochie-goochie-goo gesture to a baby. ) meh. No doubt this is what Bella would have looked like if she were holding a microphone when she was excitely gushing to Charlie about the truck he just bought from Billie Black. (Srsly, who had final approval on scenes that day? Same person who watched Edward and Bella driving up to the scene of Waylon's death, heard that line delivery: "what. Is going. On. " and decided they were done for the day.). Ok I didn't mean to rant like this. Sure sure Kristen looked all cute and mulletless and even wore girl clothes, drunk disheveled Rob is still hot and sexy even sharing the stage with impeccably dressed and muscled Taylor. Yada yada. I wasn't trying to throw out a lotta hate I'm really just procrastinating from doing my chemistry homework.

    STY: you can totally see the conversation bubbles above their heads. I also picture Rob saying "Mine". Haha. I think that's what sparked my rant.

  7. I love you.

    Also - I think KStew suffers from that Maggie Gyllenhaal/Kirsten Dunst posture disease....

  8. I hate that stance, too. In my day we cocked our hip to one side to be cool. We didn't purposely try to look like we needed orthotics.

    BTW: Is that what "pigeon-toed" means? It sounds right but I think it might mean the opposite. But pigeons have toes that turn in and out, right? Wait, do pigeons have toes?

    I'm tired now. I need to go watch Ed Westwick on Gossip Girl. He's the poor woman's RPatt.

  9. I have to let you ladies know the majority of young girls that I know have horrible posture made even worst by high shoes some one should just point picts out to her and make her aware of it ..
    On the other hand the Taylor's picture thing ...to me he is way to young , 17 is nothing for a guy and he is hot and cute but has not standing like Rob who is finding his manhood , this reflects too ...also the other two in pictures are so into each other that no matter who they would have put in the shoot it would have looked like whf am I doing here kind of a thing ..anyway as always love you guys I laugh like the idiot I could be all by my self ...thanks

  10. LMFAO "Normally, she has a rather wide legged stance that is equally baffling" - I've started to notice that I do this... I don't know why either - WTF?!
    - Lorabell

  11. The perfect cure for hunched shoulders is *nerd alert* Marching Band. Works every time! Taylor is looking so spiffy these days, I think he's being groomed to become US President some day. Hobolicious, drunk Rob always good, but I was hoping he would wear the new Stoli shirt some fans sent to him. Dang!

  12. I had something I was going to say and then I got too distracted by the thought of Rob leaning in and putting his arm around me like in that picture with Kristen...

  13. That was just too funny!

    She just goes for the whole I-am-interesting-weigh 0 pounds-
    dork-and-guys-still-find-me-cute look.

    Why do girls think this is attractive? Beets me...

    P.S.- I just opened Yahoo! and the top headline was "Woman Always Carries Cardboard Man". I clicked it expecting to find a picture and article about JJ & STY standing with Full Size Edward. To my chagrin [:-)], it was this http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local-beat/Wife-Finds-Stiff-Replacement-for-Hubby-in-Iraq-59260992.html?yhp=1

  14. Yep, I've been noticing her goblin like posture too, I picture her saying things like "my precious! my precious!" to Rob a la Gollum style. Her hair was pinned up, I like it so much better than her bad 80's wrestler mullet. Sometimes I think she does the question mark back stance on purpose, as if to say "I'm indy. Look at how I contort my body against the norm." I dunno, but Rob seems to be loving it, so I might just start walking around like my joints are locking up too.

  15. omg, the "shy hipster" pose!

    i have a friend, whom i love dearly, that has MASTERED the "shy hipster" pose.
    pigeon-toed in a skirt and her worn-in cowgirl boots, smirking (she's also GREAT at smirking) up at you from beneath golden blonde sideswept bangs. yep, that's her.

    she's also a twislut, so i shouldn't hate on her, but damn do i wanna smack her upside the head sometimes for being such a hipster.


  16. Oh my HELL! I damn near lost my shit when that first RPattz pic loaded!! *shakes head to clear it*
    And I KNOW I'm a pervy old lady but if Taylor is feeling like a 3rd wheel, I'll be his "Mrs. Robinson" A-N-Y-T-I-M-E! Hell, apparently I only live about a hour from him, he has his license right? Or do I need to pick him up;-)
    And I too am diggin on KStews new hair.
    Ok, again, great to have you back JJ!

  17. @Abigail- LOL! I was thinking the same thing of Taylor. I claim Team Switzerland, but honestly I think I'm more Team Jacob, therefore, I'd gladly and willingly become his Mrs. Whatever-He-Wants-Me-To-Be without a second thought, no questions asked. XD!
    And blah, I have terrible posture. I realize this. it's a work in progress, but MAN KStew is looking like she might be in pain. That can't really be comfortable, can it?

  18. Ha. I wish you guys could have heard the commentary in my head today when I checked the site. But you couldn't so here's what it was: "Man, I bet JJ and STY would appreciate that thing that happened at work today. Too bad they don't know me. It is weird how I read their shit every day and feel like I know them, but they have no idea who I am. And when I comment, I only do it anonymously. Cause I'm way in the closet. Maybe I could work the story into an anonymous comment." The funny thing is, then I read your post for today, and JJ actually kind of gave me an in with that "vagina meets anal" comment. Cause today at work I was meeting with my boss and he used the phrase 'crossing swords.' And I giggled. Right in front of him. Ohhhhh man. Talk about embarrassing.

  19. Hi everyone!!!

    Just to say a quick hello. I've missed you!

    I've been taking quick peeks at Twitarded but I've been really busy and argh! ...boring...

    Good to know some things never change!

    Miss you, miss leaving comments, miss reading them.


  20. C'mon, Anon! Get yerself a cute Twi-name and own your obsession - lol! Or at least make sure you share funny stories like that! If my boss used the phrase "crossed swords" I would not be able to keep a straight face either. But er, you've probably already guessed that!

    : )

    JJ wears cowboy boots with cute dresses but she's got that "wide stance" and no turned in toes - lol!

    And it it absolutely the look from the Free People catalog - and their ilk. We should have borrowed a pic from them - lol!

  21. aahahahahhah godddam that hipster pose!

    Man i love to image what kstew and drunkrob are whispering. I bet its to do wiith fucking. Or atleast i wish

  22. Maybe it's me...but does KStew have Rumer Willis hair?

  23. "Man, that guy is just a living, walking douchecluster of the worst kind. What a fucker."

    Ah shit. You had me at douchecluster...and it wasn't even Twilight related.

  24. Whether KStew and RPattz are an item doesn't interest me, but I like what they are when they're around each other. There's a real energy about them. Recently I've seen pics of them looking extremely self conscious as to how they're standing near each other. I'd hate to think the media is causing whatever these two have, to be strained. I hope they can be left to just be.

  25. @JJ you most definitely did not go too far. I think that is how most of us feel. Legs spread open on back or constantly on tip toes trying to smooch the jawporn and lips.

    I am cracking up at the orthotics comment and the references to Maggie Gyllenhal/Kirsten Dunst reference soooooooo trues.

    Do you all remember in the extra scenes footage on the Twilight DVD when Kristin was standing over Edward's journals with that wide stance? That bugged the hell out of me! So, glad they cut that.

    @STY--love the dialog--when is your fanfic coming out? Hee!

  26. Still haven't watched the VMA's yet, but I have them recorded if you wanna come watch them with me, JJ! I'm just a six hour plane ride away...:) And you are so right about Kanye West. What. A. Wankstain.

    Hmm, I don't think I've watched a VMA award show since that time it was held in Dublin, hosted by that Ronan Keating douchebag (if anybody hasn't heard of him, I envy you so much) in 2001, I think. Whatever. Robbie Williams was there, and so was Marilyn Manson. In nothing but a thong and body paint. *shudders* That's all I remember. And from what I've heard, the VMA's haven't improved one bit. Ah, nostalgia...

  27. I finally have found others who think like me--well almost, I have to admit I never would have thought of "vagina meets anal", but otherwise...
    The posture thing got me too. All I could think is "wha...?" then I looked at Rob and thought of other things I'd like to see standing straight up. Mmmm.

  28. The stylist said her hair wasn't actually cut, just pinned back.. Though I do think it was adorable that way...


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