Okay, I was really, really tempted to do something that would make STY freak the fuck out but the fact that I'm doing my usual crap [being mellow even!]and know that she's probably sitting at some fancy dinner, totally petrified that I'm going to photoshop nude pictures of her and post them to the blog actually satisfies the Cunty McCunterson in me.
Plus, if I do anything naughty to the blog that bitch will definitely revoke my admin rights and I'll have to grovel to get them back. I hate groveling...
Where was I... oh yeah:
We all knew that no good was going to come of us owning Full Size Edward. That was a no brainer. And while we've had fun doing various photo shoots with our sexy yet very angry looking two-dimensional cohort, I have yet to conjure up a single FSE episode that does not include scaring the tits off of strangers and loved ones. And trust me, no one is immune.
Case in point - the first thing I did with FSE was sneak up behind Snarkier Than You while she was on the computer and quietly placed him directly behind her in the hopes of scaring the crap out of her. Sadly, it didn't work but this may have had something to do with the fact that I hovered and giggled maniacally the entire time I was waiting for her to turn around. I need to work on my game-face, apparently.
A few months ago, when I was still at the apartment, the three really nice, chill dudes living in the apartment above me invited me to a shindig they were having and my first thought was "I'm going to terrorize every single living being who walks up our driveway by propping FSE in my living room window". I even did a little test run to see how difficult it would be to accomplish this (you'd be astonished at how many projects I've given up on because it required me to do something strenuous, like move a computer chair. Seriously, my laziness makes sloths look like fucking overachievers.)
Lucky for me (unlucky for everyone else) shoving FSE behind the drapes took minimal effort. I was actually planning on taking pictures or recording this in some way but I went over the STY's and got drunk instead. I suck nuts at follow-through, what can I say.
Then there was the Delivery Guy Incident but I can't take credit for that one. I had a friend over and we ordered pizza. I was outside on the porch paying the delivery guy when his eyes got HUGE and he started backing away. I was confused. I mean, I was trying to give the guy money and he looked like he was about to poop himself or bolt or possibly both at the same time. I turned around and discovered FSE creeping toward the open door, with my friend hiding behind him in near hysterics. All I'm saying is that I can never order from PJ's Pizza & Grill again, even if I did give the guy a big tip. Their food sucked anyway.
The best thing about FSE's scare factor is that you really don't have to do anything to achieve it. I can't tell you how many times ML has shrieked like a little baby-bitch walking through the living room.
However, there is a way you can up the ante and I figured I'd impart some of my scare-the-holy-living-shit-out-of-your-friends advice with you. I'm, like, the Dear Abby of assholes. Go me.
1) Place FSE somewhere where he is slightly hidden from view. That way people won't notice him at first and then bam! your guest is standing in a puddle of his/her urine.
2) Move him around. I can't stress this enough. It takes awhile but eventually people will become slightly desensitized to FSE's presence. If you usually keep him in the living room, move him into the kitchen or bedroom. Prop him up in the shower (this only works if you have a clear or opaque curtain or a shower stall) when you have parties. Fun will ensue.
3) Use stealth. Hubby in the shower? Use the opportunity and prop FSE right. in. front. of. the. door. Do it, quick! Go, go, GO!!!
4) Utilize the surprise element of doors. Stand FSE in a walk-in closet and ask the roommate or S/O to grab something out of it. Wait for the screaming.
Honey, can you go in the upstairs closet and grab my studded belt... just open the door and it should be hanging on it. You're a doll...
5) Basements. Basements are fuck-ass scary enough without a FSE lurking around. I CAN'T WAIT to do this, especially since ML is setting up a practice room in our basement for his band, which looks like a horror-movie funhouse anyway [the basement, not the band]. The bonus will be when ALL the guys walk into the room and FSE is there... waiting. Frightening multiple dudes is always a bonus in my book.
6) Windows. 'Nuff said. Halloween is coming and I know my FSE will want to watch all the little kids clamoring up our porch to retrieve their sugary holiday extortion from me.
6a) This is actually a good deterrent against break-ins, provided you live in an area where most of the inhabitants aren't hardened criminals or carrying heat. I'm pretty sure a Crip isn't going to shit himself if he comes face to face with FSE. Just sayin'.
Just be forewarned that all of these tips can backfire on you. Seriously. I propped up FSE in our back room once and totally forgot. I walked back there a few hours later and almost had a fucking heart attack. You've been warned.
I'm sure there are so many other ways to fully utilize FSE but I hope I've provided you with enough tips to get started on becoming the biggest douchebag on the block! Feel free to add your own!
My next Dear Abby for Assholes will be about protecting FSE from bodily fluids.
Okay, I'm off to strategically place FSE in front of STY's house for when she comes home. You know, to greet her and stuff...