Thursday, October 15, 2009

FSE Provides Further Proof That I Am, in Fact, an Asshole

Soooo, Snarkier Than You isn't around tonight and has let me helm the blog for the evening. Silly woman. When the Snarky is away the Jerkface will play...

Okay, I was really, really tempted to do something that would make STY freak the fuck out but the fact that I'm doing my usual crap [being mellow even!]and know that she's probably sitting at some fancy dinner, totally petrified that I'm going to photoshop nude pictures of her and post them to the blog actually satisfies the Cunty McCunterson in me.

Plus, if I do anything naughty to the blog that bitch will definitely revoke my admin rights and I'll have to grovel to get them back. I hate groveling...

Where was I... oh yeah:

True story - I'm the sweetest person ever. Just look at that innocent face...

We all knew that no good was going to come of us owning Full Size Edward. That was a no brainer. And while we've had fun doing various photo shoots with our sexy yet very angry looking two-dimensional cohort, I have yet to conjure up a single FSE episode that does not include scaring the tits off of strangers and loved ones. And trust me, no one is immune.

Case in point - the first thing I did with FSE was sneak up behind Snarkier Than You while she was on the computer and quietly placed him directly behind her in the hopes of scaring the crap out of her. Sadly, it didn't work but this may have had something to do with the fact that I hovered and giggled maniacally the entire time I was waiting for her to turn around. I need to work on my game-face, apparently.

A few months ago, when I was still at the apartment, the three really nice, chill dudes living in the apartment above me invited me to a shindig they were having and my first thought was "I'm going to terrorize every single living being who walks up our driveway by propping FSE in my living room window". I even did a little test run to see how difficult it would be to accomplish this (you'd be astonished at how many projects I've given up on because it required me to do something strenuous, like move a computer chair. Seriously, my laziness makes sloths look like fucking overachievers.)

Lucky for me (unlucky for everyone else) shoving FSE behind the drapes took minimal effort. I was actually planning on taking pictures or recording this in some way but I went over the STY's and got drunk instead. I suck nuts at follow-through, what can I say.

Then there was the Delivery Guy Incident but I can't take credit for that one. I had a friend over and we ordered pizza. I was outside on the porch paying the delivery guy when his eyes got HUGE and he started backing away. I was confused. I mean, I was trying to give the guy money and he looked like he was about to poop himself or bolt or possibly both at the same time. I turned around and discovered FSE creeping toward the open door, with my friend hiding behind him in near hysterics. All I'm saying is that I can never order from PJ's Pizza & Grill again, even if I did give the guy a big tip. Their food sucked anyway.

The best thing about FSE's scare factor is that you really don't have to do anything to achieve it. I can't tell you how many times ML has shrieked like a little baby-bitch walking through the living room.

C'mon, admit it. He's fucking creepy as fuck.

However, there is a way you can up the ante and I figured I'd impart some of my scare-the-holy-living-shit-out-of-your-friends advice with you. I'm, like, the Dear Abby of assholes. Go me.

1) Place FSE somewhere where he is slightly hidden from view. That way people won't notice him at first and then bam! your guest is standing in a puddle of his/her urine.

2) Move him around. I can't stress this enough. It takes awhile but eventually people will become slightly desensitized to FSE's presence. If you usually keep him in the living room, move him into the kitchen or bedroom. Prop him up in the shower (this only works if you have a clear or opaque curtain or a shower stall) when you have parties. Fun will ensue.

I see you pee... and I'm very angry about it.

Totes heard you fart over there. Fucking pig. Gross.

3) Use stealth. Hubby in the shower? Use the opportunity and prop FSE right. in. front. of. the. door. Do it, quick! Go, go, GO!!!

4) Utilize the surprise element of doors. Stand FSE in a walk-in closet and ask the roommate or S/O to grab something out of it. Wait for the screaming.

Honey, can you go in the upstairs closet and grab my studded belt... just open the door and it should be hanging on it. You're a doll...

5) Basements. Basements are fuck-ass scary enough without a FSE lurking around. I CAN'T WAIT to do this, especially since ML is setting up a practice room in our basement for his band, which looks like a horror-movie funhouse anyway [the basement, not the band]. The bonus will be when ALL the guys walk into the room and FSE is there... waiting. Frightening multiple dudes is always a bonus in my book.

6) Windows. 'Nuff said. Halloween is coming and I know my FSE will want to watch all the little kids clamoring up our porch to retrieve their sugary holiday extortion from me.
6a) This is actually a good deterrent against break-ins, provided you live in an area where most of the inhabitants aren't hardened criminals or carrying heat. I'm pretty sure a Crip isn't going to shit himself if he comes face to face with FSE. Just sayin'.

Just be forewarned that all of these tips can backfire on you. Seriously. I propped up FSE in our back room once and totally forgot. I walked back there a few hours later and almost had a fucking heart attack. You've been warned.

I'm sure there are so many other ways to fully utilize FSE but I hope I've provided you with enough tips to get started on becoming the biggest douchebag on the block! Feel free to add your own!

Hey kids, c'mon on get yer candy...

My next Dear Abby for Assholes will be about protecting FSE from bodily fluids.

Okay, I'm off to strategically place FSE in front of STY's house for when she comes home. You know, to greet her and stuff...


  1. Oh my GOD.
    I'm having a giggle fit/heart attack just thinking about these! I would probably only scare myself and/or pee myself from laughter.
    But great tips!

  2. Totally hilarious as usual, love the shower idea except I think I am still scared from the original Psycho movie with shower creep outs! Thank you again for the laughing outloud till you snort post!

  3. *cracking up* I am laughing so hard at your list. First off. I so wish I could scare someone but that someone is usually me. See I have to have the dogs in the bedroom and if hubby is playing PS3 out in the living room, then I have to leave the closet light on. So fuck me this FSE would make me pee my uterus!!

  4. JJ, you are the worlds bestest Dear Abby. Bodily fluids huh? Sounds very interesting...

  5. Great suggestions!!! I received a FSE from my girlfriends as a 30th bday present. However, my jealous hubby (totally identify with the earlier blog on jealous S/Os!!) has a rule that I can only prop up FSE when hubby is not home or I'm having some sort of Twilight-related party. Luckily, my husband goes on a LOT of out-of-town work trips and with my friends we can think of a reason to have a Twilight-related get-together at least every month! The last time I put FSE in my bedroom my cat hid under the bed for hours and my weiner dog barked incessantly at him every time he came into the bedroom...He has scared the shizit out of me multiple times too! When is a smiley FSE going to come out?? Though would that be less scary?

  6. My husband just yelled down from upstairs... "Are you ok down there?" Then he realized I was laughing and he says... "Must be Twitarded." I must admit I am glad he knows me that well. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I never could have told him what was going on. Best post ever! Thank you for the best belly laugh in ages! Can't wait to read it again.

  7. I can be diabolical, but you inspire me to be evil!! I love to throw cold water on my husband while he's taking a shower. Now with so much thanks to you, Edward and I are waking up at 4:35 a.m. tomorrow morning to scare the shit out of my "unsupportive of Twilight" husband. Thanks JJ!!

  8. Funniest friggen thing I have read in DAYS!!

  9. FSE in the shower made me laugh so fucking hard that I woke up The Hubs!!!! That is Classic!!!

    I'm putting clear shower curtain & FSE on the shopping list...muhahahahaha

  10. Love it! You know its good stuff when you scare yourself!
    I have a friend who has a creepy ass maniquin in a cubby at the top of her stairs I've been up those stairs 2 million times in a drunken hussle to the ladies room and that birch scares the shit out if me everytime! I swear I'm tear off her busted ass wig and flush it!

  11. Waaay ahead of you, JJ. When we were kids, Sister Banshee had this three foot doll that danced. It used to scare the shit out of everyone. It'd be standing in the corner, someone would walk into the room and nearly piss themselves when they saw it. Well it was blonde, they were probably expecting it to say 'They're heeeere...' a la Poltergeist. It used to scare Mom all the time, and she was used to the fucking thing. We had a lot of fun with that doll, dressing it up, doing its hair, scaring the shit out of people. Good times.

  12. Mwhahahaha. JJ - your da Bomb! I LMAO! danke.

  13. So I was getting ready for bed and thought, eh, just one more surf around the ol' web and this is what I'm greeted with! Holy fuck JJ, have you been hitting the libation tonight? That was some of the funniest shit I've seen in a while... tears are streaming down my cheeks right now! You certainly do have a way with words my friend.

    "I can't tell you how many times ML has shrieked like a little baby-bitch walking through the living room." - nearly lost my shit when I read that! Poor ML, how you torture him so!

    You're so evil and I heart you for it!

  14. Is this a re-post? I thought ya'll did something like this before.

  15. JJ maybe you could add to that list making a homegrown movie/mocumentary about how scary FSE is ala 'Paranormal Activity' and then you could sell it to Summit and make millions.

    While the Snarky is away the JJ will play.

    V/W: exierse--You must exierse your FSE demons.

  16. Ohhh, JJ, I love you so hard! I would expect nothing less from you and FSE. I wish I lived in NY to meet you both! Any word on the Twitarded convention? Open bar + FSE and I am there!

    In RL, I am a lobbyist for a large trade association. I deal with state and federal politicans daily. Major egos. Major stress. Your twitters and posts make me laugh,be silly, and relax. I thank you so much for that! I just need to learn NOT to check my twitter while in meetings, etc... Hard to explain away all my snorts and giggles.

  17. Best laugh all day and I needed it. My favorite: "I see you pee... and I'm very angry about it." Reminded me of Richard Gere in the bathtub; "I was very ANGRY at my father..." Ooh! I just realized Gere's character in Pretty Woman was named Edward! Coincidence? I think not. (Yes, I'm going to bed now.)

    Personally, I think FSE's angry they made him wear that shirt.

  18. Why so sad to be in the shower Edward?

    But shoot...popcorn almost came out my nose while reading this 12 step program to Assholhattery!!!

    VW "subtogi" FSE kind of jedi mind trickier?

  19. PMSL! I've been toying all week with ordering a FSE (middle son decided he didn't want to do French Club after all so the money I'd put aside for that is now screaming for me to spend it on TwiMerch shit). If I did have one then the terrorising of innocents would be high on my list. I can tell that Pocket Edward already does this quite well from the terrified look in people's eyes when I pull him from my bag, but this is on a whole new level. It reminds me fondly of Roger & Annabella, our pet mannequins in our house at university, similar havoc was wreaked with them. If I do get a FSE the first place he'll be going is on Mr Stan's side of the bed, his face when he threw back the duvet to get in would be priceless MUHAHAHAHAAA!

    V/W - gaggis. 'Edward forced his cock so far down my throat I gaggis'ed'. *Ahem*, sorry, finally got round to reading The Office last night. Why the fuck did I wait so long???!!! Hmm, actually, could be a good time to order the FSE while Mr Stan is too busy reaping the fanfic rewards to complain ;o)

  20. Maybe thats why Mr. Moxie won't let me get FSE. He knows I'd terrorize him with it.

  21. I LOVE YOU JJ!

    Just had a thought. Imagine when Breaking Dawn comes out. There will be a merchandising need for a FSR.

    Full Size Renesmee.

    As Chucky taught us there aren't many things scarier than demonic kids. A half vampire child with a freaky knowing smile as a cardboard cut out secreted away in your walk in wardrobe should have a marvellous shit-scaring effect.

    mysharona xx

    "a nice cup of tea and a slice of Twilight"

  22. I have been reading this blog every freakin day, and decided it was time I pay up.
    I wish to god I had a FSE! My next door neighbor is the nosiest beoutch on the planet, and I would love to prop him by the fence in the backyard, so the next time she comes peeking through the fence posts, FSE would be peeking right back.

  23. He he he. You have made my dark, dreary Friday morning!!! I am considering the Full Moon FSE, which looks a bit less ready to kill someone. For $35 it could provide a single girl with lots o fun!

  24. LMAO!!!! I'm crying from laughing so hard, lol.

    Love the shower pics and FSE's comments, LOL.

  25. Leave her alone for two fucking seconds and she breaks the "no cursing in the title" rule" - nice. {{{sigh}}}

    fucking funny, though! cracking up along with everyone else.

    [and now I'm off to revoke JJ's administrator rights...]

    : )

    P.S. got word today that NM FSE is in the mail! Yay!! TwiFSE looks lonely... ML is ok with him having a friend, right???

    veriword = "parfie" - what you say really late at night "this parfie is lame!! whersh all the boooooze??? whash do you means i drunks it allz?! parfie pooper..."

  26. Very funny...I can imagine some of these if I only had a FSE sigh.

  27. So I checked out FSE yesterday on the Nordstrom website (of all places - WTF?!) and now I think I might just get one. The last time I had this kind of crazy obsession was with Joe Jackson (English musician, NOT father of Michael) and I had a FSJJ - I had him for years and years and loved him. I do think DH and daughter would think I've slipped over the edge with that one though, not to mention what my already scandalized in-laws would say...sigh.

    @Kristen - YES, YES, YES, I want to lobby for a Twitarded convention! Not so much for November's NM (too cold, etc.) but FOR SURE for Eclipse in June!! Come on JJ and STY, just tell us where to meet you. Everyone is responsible for their own lodging and bar tab, but we should totally meet up and "parfie!" I want to meet my Twitarded peeps - I am all alone here in my obsession and it's BORING without you all.

    @Stan - "gaggis"? Oh you are naughty!! LMAO. I LOVED The Office, and am pissed that she hasn't posted a new chapter in almost a month. Almost as bad as waiting for NM...

  28. Judging from the outcome, I think that Snarky should leave you alone more often!Very good

  29. @JJ - I LOVE the picture of you and FSE in the kitchen! And yes, he is creepy ... I keep him in the coat closet. I realy want the New Moon FSE...MUCH less creepy and WAY more schmexy!

    @ all - random comment - I AM LOVING THE SOUNDTRACK!! I'm listening to it on my iPod at work today, over and over and over again....!!!

  30. @MySharona: Oooh, I could make up Sister Banshee's old doll as Renesmee! That would scare the shit out of EVERYONE. Er, including me. Off to find some bronze hair dye. Oh and the doll. It might help if I knew where it was...

    Veri-word: welent. I shall not welent in my quest to scawe people shitless with Full Size Wenesmee... in thwee-dee.

  31. Ok, all I am saying is I just picked up NM FSE yesterday...from the mall...that was scary, and once I got him home and took some rather "fun" pics with him (which my 2 year old couldn't stop laughing about) I decided to put him in my kitchen...that was until I came around the corner and about shit my pants...he scared the crap out of me. So in an effort to not freak out every time I rounded the corner I put him in me and my hubs bathroom...after leaving for work i got to thinking that maybe that wasnt the best place since hubs was unaware of my FSE purchase therefore leaving me to be freaked out that while I was at work that when he got home he would beat the shit out of the random guy in the bathroom...luckily i got home and FSE was in one piece. Can I just say having FSE has brought a new life to the house...cant wait to scare the shit out of people!!!

  32. I suddenly have the urge to take a shower.

    I'm sure Rob needs one.

    (And BTW, if the vampires don't need to shower, do they just lick the blood off each other after a messy hunt? Don't they ever get dirt on them? Wouldn't their hair at least need some attention? Ah, now I know why Rob was cast....)

  33. @Rachel Z - That is MEAN!! And I totally have to do that. Thanks for the idea. lol.

    @Kristen - We are still tossing about a Twitarded meet up. It's slightly more detailed than we thought - we'll keep you all posted. We want it to happen. Bad.

    @SnarkierThanYou - That's what you get, slutdonkey. If it makes you feel any better there was a sentence about me skullfucking someone and I took it out. So there.

    @Tisaveeone - Oooh, that's a good idea. FSE would be GREAT for nosy neighbors!! LOL!

    I do have to admit that FSE freaks me out just as often as ML (or anyone else who comes over). I still can't wait to get my hands on a NM FSE. It's going to be a fucking full size Edward army. Muhwawawa...

  34. And I thought I was the only one who thought stuff like this up! I love to scare the crap out of people. FSE would just give me more ammo for doing it! So where do you get the FSEs anyway? I have the perfect place for him!

    veri word: hymet - if I were a virgin, I'd be happy to have Robward break mine.

  35. I read lastnight but couldn't comment- 3 kids + one sick mommy+DH at the fucking Dodger game = exhaustion
    anyway, I seriously was cracking up. "I see you pee...and I'm angry about it.". Holy Hell hilarious!

  36. I love the 'totes heard you fart' caption, great!

    I would love a FSE, but, I think it would be harder to hide from hubs than the rest of my twi-merch...

    Why do they make all the Twi FS charecters stand in that weird 3/4 or sideways stance? Well, I guess NM alice and jacob are facing a bit more front, but, look like they may fall over since they're leaning so far to the side... Why can't they just stand forward with good posture? (I'm sure I'm the only nut that wonders about these things...)

    Great post as always JJ! Loved it!

  37. I have a full sized angel that my friend bought me at the hight of my love for the show.
    I will admit it is all fun and games to mess with people but to this day my dog will still bark at him and when my nana visited last year i work up one morning to find him flipped over on the floor with a blanket over him.

  38. Freaking Love IT!!! This was the funniest post ever!

  39. Totally hilarious as usual, love the shower idea except I think I am still scared from the original Psycho movie with shower creep outs! Thank you again for the laughing outloud till you snort post!


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