Saturday, October 17, 2009

Hallmark & Twilight Ruin Sister Snarky's Birthday!

That's right: Hallmark took Sister Snarky's birthday and stomped all over it! Um, and I suppose I have to take my fair share of the blame, too... But I tried - really! Here is my story:

My older sister and only sibling - Sister Snarky - just celebrated her birthday this week. Since I got her completely addicted to Twilight and have left her to suffer in solitude in the 'burbs of northern New Jersey without a Twi-partner-in-crime , I feel a certain obligation to provide her with frequent fixes of all things Twilight. We've gotten a lot closer since I turned her to the Twi-side, and although we gave up making a big to-do about birthdays (ours are within a week of each other) and presents years ago, I wanted to do something suitably Twitarded to mark the occasion. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake [birthday pun-y thing intended], but instead it's turned into an ongoing epic quest for the perfect birthday card. And by "perfect," I of course mean one with Edward's mug on it.

Like this!

Or this!

This one's swell, too!! Really, I'll take any one... Just gimme!

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems... I am not much of a planner and always erroneously think that most stuff will be easier than it actually is, and this was no different: stop at store on my way home from work, pick up Twi/Edward b-day card, done! Easy-peasy - right?! Wrong. I DID stop at the store. Granted, I lied to Sister Snarky and told her it was a Hallmark store when really it was a drugstore that carried Hallmark, but c'mon - it's where I bought my Twilight Halloween card, so I thought I was all set. Um, no... So instead, I bought this! I thought it was funny and even Mr. Snarky thought it was clever and he doesn't think just any ol' think is clever, you know?

Guess who forgot they owned a scanner when they snapped this awful pic??? ME!!

I popped this in the mail the day before her birthday (no worries - we are both in NJ) and waited for the accolades to pour in. And waited. And waited... I called Sister Snarky that evening; she was not happy...

STY: Happy Birthday!!! Did you get my card?!

Sister Snarky: Uh, yeah... I got it... The mail came today and I did a little happy-dance around the house chanting "I know what this iiiiis!" the entire time and then I open it and WTF?! That was NOT Edward!!! Johnny Depp is dead to me now. You did this to me! How could you?!

STY: Er, I thought it was funny! They didn't have any Twilight birthday cards! I looked! Really!!

SS: All I wanted was to FINALLY have one piece of Twilight paraphernalia that I could legitimately display without Mr. Sis Snarky getting on my case!! Before I even opened it, I had a place to hang it in my closet and I was planning on telling the Mr. that it made me think of you, not my hot vampire obsession. And you RUINED IT!

Crestfallen but not defeated, I decided I WOULD make this card dream come true for my sis. No matter what! Even if I totally knew she wouldn't be thinking of me AT ALL when she looked at it (I know she'd be thinking dirty thoughts about Edward and I am ok with that... I encourage it, really...).

So today I made a rare venture from my office at lunchtime to go to an actual Hallmark store to get the goods. Again, easy - right??? Um, no...

STY races down the highway to the Hallmark store, as usual way behind in all things work -related because I'd spent the whole morning doing other non-worky blog-related stuff... Since I'd lied to my sis before and had only been to a CVS to look for said Twilight card, my hopes were high. I walked in to a display of Halloween cards prominently displaying the Twi Halloween card - things looked good!

I looked at all the birthday cards. No Edward/Twilight in sight. I don't even know what I'm looking for but I know I will know it when I see it. I ask the nice lady who works there for help [you know, card-store-lady, they make bleach for that mustache, chickie–you are giving Charlie a run for his money!]
Card-Store Lady: Can I help you find something???
STY: My sister is not going to speak to me again until I find her a Twilight card.
CSL: [laughs – I think she gets it! yay!!] I’ll help you look… Twilight Zone, right??

STY: [gah! she doesn’t get it] No – it’s a movie…

CSL: Oh… Is it a new movie? It must be one of those new movies… I don’t think we have that yet.

STY: [resisting temptation to stuff thirty seven singing High School Musical cards down her throat and finish her off with the Harry Potter card that is both musical AND a hologram] Yup, it’s a new movie… Sort of... Edward? Edward Cullen? No???

CSL: [blank stare; much blinking and hesitant smiling - I must have looked murderous...]
So I bought her this instead! And gave it a little bit of a modification so suit my needs. I just want her to know I care…

Who's a princess?!? Sister Snarky, that's who!!!

P.S. Hey!! People who have Hallmark connections who told me I would be swimming in vats of Twilight merch the second it became available!! Yes. you know who you are!!! Hellooooo?!? A little help here, please??? Can someone hook a Twitard up? Because Thanksgiving is going to be mighty chilly this year if I don't come through with this card... I see myself with a plate holding nothing more than a gigantic turkey heinie. No stuffing, no mashed potatoes, definitely no gravy. And don't think Sister Snarly won't go there, because she will, believe you me.

To be continued...


  1. Something similar hAppened to me! How do these hallmark people have NO idea about this movie! They must just live in fairytale hallmark feel goodness world! Oh...ok..sorry. Anywho, I am still waiting to see any of these cards Anywhere! And I live in buy anything USA Aka orange county. How can we continue on when the world does not cater to our TwiSession! Rant over..if I find one, I will buy two. I must support the twitarded well-being and not ruin turkey day! :) thnx...plse drive thru ;)

  2. Boo! I wish I'd known...

    Hallmark gave me a free one (the one with the picture of them at prom) at Comic Con. Ended up giving it to a Rob site as a giveaway... :(

  3. ROFL!!
    That is hilar.
    I want a Twi card!
    They don't even sell them in Oz! :(

  4. Oh Hallmark, or, as I like to call it, Hellmark. I do work at a Hallmark store and I did send you an e-mail detailing our exciting new Halloween Twilight cards! Which we promptly sold out of 4 days after we put them out. We've had Halloween stuff out since August! It's picked over by September! Hallmark people are INSANE!!! We did get a birthday card with sound (which I saw once and then it disappeared), and I have seen an incredibly cheesy, albeit sexy, love birthday card. Our Twilight cards are kept up by the registers by the stupid candy and ugly jewelry. Every Hallmark is different though. I haven't seen any Twilight Thanksgiving cards, but Christmas cards should be out within the next couple of weeks and there has to be something in the mix!

    I'll check and see what we have during my shift tomorrow. I can always mail you a card from our store!

  5. Fingers crossed for you STY!

    We don't even get those special ones in Canada! Well maybe we do, but I'v never seen one. And damit I want one, I want one like a fat kid want bday cake!

    VW 'aweep' - I aweep over no Edward card.

  6. Apparently I can no longer keep track of my online accounts and names. "Mary Monotonous" was from my attempt at blogging, which I promptly gave up on after 2 entries. I'd rather just read other funnier blogs (like this one!) I was surprised when that user name popped up on my first comment!

  7. This site I used to visit before discovering Twitarded has great E-cards. Maybe you can "borrow" one of the images and make a great card. The cards are great. First time my little boy saw James in Twilight he said "I smell sugar cookies".

    The site is TwilightersAnonymous & they have plenty of Edward cards.

  8. Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't find any of the Twilight birthday cards! I managed to snatch up four of the Halloween cards, but so far I've yet to see a single birthday one! (Plenty of the HSM ones, however, so I know how you feel!)

  9. I bought the first Twilight B-day card you listed for LizardStew's birthday last month. It wasn't easy. I had to go to 3 different Hallmark stores before I found one and that single one was all they carried.

    It's a travesty I tell ya! Somebody needs to kick each and every Hallmark franchise owner in the arse for not carrying the entire Twilight/New Moon greeting card line (as well as the birthday decorations)

  10. You could make one yourself. It would mean so much more.

  11. The exact same thing happened to me. I was able to find a single copy of the first one you pictured, and it was the only copy in the store. It took all the willpower I had not to keep it for myself because I bought it to give to my friend/coworker who turned me on to the books in the first place, whose birthday was the first part of September. She still has it on the overhead above her desk for all to see, so it was worth it.

    At any rate, when I asked the gals at the register where the new Twilight cards were, one of them promptly walked me over to the Twilight Zone cards. When I tried to explain what I was looking for, she had to get the manager. She was a little younger and at least had heard of Twilight and the cards, but she told me that they did not have them in the store and had no idea when they would be getting them. She took my name and phone number and offered to contact me if/when they arrived. Still waiting.

    Since I knew from reading your blog that STY's birthday was coming up, I went out to last Wednesday and found a Twilight ecard and emailed it to STY. I never heard back from her that she got it though, so I hope that Hallmark didn't screw that up as well.

    At any rate, happy belated birthday STY!


  12. Here is an idea.......WALMART has/had the Twilight Halloween cards. I got one for my sister-in-law's b-day and just scratched over halloween and wrote birthday on the inside.....she loved it and had a picture of Edward AND Jacob to display.

  13. I feel your pain, STY. My birthday was last Saturday. I was at Hallmark buying a card for a friend when I saw the Edward/Bella birthday card at the register (one where he says "I don't have the strength to stay away from you..."). Not knowing whether Mr. Udzlme had covered all his bases, I bought the card, just in case. I then promptly called him on the phone and told him that I had my card from him, and I would surreptitiously leave it somewhere in our bedroom so that he could sign it and give it to me on my b-day (We've been together long enough that he didn't get offended...just said, "yes, dear" and followed my instructions - yay!).

    Add the card to the awesome poster of the Twilight bookcover that he had professionally framed for me, and my birthday was complete!

    Happy belated birthday, STY!


    P.S. OK, I'm leaving my comment, and the Word Verification is "pubiones"!?*! Sounds like something straight out of the creative cursing book you guys have! LOL

  14. I did the same thing as Amber, I looked far and wide for a Twilight birthday card for a friend and could only find a Halloween Twilight card, so I just bought that fraking thing and gave it to her. With no apologies. I looked a like five stores!!

  15. Thanks for all the tips, everyone!!! Texas Katherine has managed to find a couple of cards in her local grocery store [WTF?! why don't I have that grocery store?! so fucking unfair!!!] and will mail them to me and then i'll get one to my sis!

    and @sprtzmom1721 - sorry I didn't open the ecard yet!!! i am horrendously behind on email. FWIS, my b-day isn't until tuesday (10/20) and i haven't opened the cards my relatives sent yet, either ('cause i'm a dork and old and don't get many presents or cards these days and i want to save them for the actual day... did i mention that i am a dork? yup - a big ol' dork.).

    i know that once this "no card" crisis passes, i am going to find them EVERYWHERE!!!

    and i would have resorted to making my own if it had come up but thankfully i won't need to do that. Sis Snarky is the artsy one in the fam and my handiwork is unlikely to have been impressive...

    oh and i had to call my sis this morning and tell her not to read the blog - lol! don't want to spoil the little surprises!

    : )

  16. Walgreens has the cards too...and the New Moon chocolates;) I may or may not have already gone through three bags. I AM rather proud of the fact that I can now say I have tasted Edward! And you thought you were a dork:D

  17. Team Switzer-JacobOctober 17, 2009 at 2:50 PM

    Such things can't just be ordered online? o.o

  18. Next time you'll have to ask the online army sooner ;) I think our local Bi-Mart and Safeway have them,(I'd have to double check to be sure) they could be mailed if needed ;)

  19. My Hallmark lady isn't as scary as yours. She did lead me to the correct (and only, as far as I'm concerned) Twilight section but all they had was the Halloween one that you showed in another post. My birthday is the 30th and I'm hoping and praying I get an Edward card.

    BTW, I got my first bday present in the mail today. It's a FSE!!! *squee* But I broke him! I unfolded him and I was following directions to "prop" him up but the thingy at the top that I'm supposed to connect to the long thing running down the back wouldn't connect and I ended up ripping the thingy at the top. Tell me I can fix this. OMG. Did I permanently maim my FSE? Please. Help?

  20. I went to three card shops(one of which a Hallmark store) before I found the prom card for my little brother's upcoming birthday.(A guy who likes Twilight, lol). I nearly killed the customer next to me to grab that card!

    At least the sales girl at Hallmark was young and knew all about Twilight, she said they must have sold out quick. Duh.

  21. OMG SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!!! my bff's bday is wednesday but we threw her a surprise party last night. last weekend when we were shopping for it we went to 3 (!!!) hallmark stores to find the edward cards and there were NONE!! there was one jacob halloween card, but she would have died if she got anything team jacob for her birthday so we passed. we ended up buying some awesome new moon hollographic cups for our house at the party store, but no edward card was ever found. then of course another friend shows up with the card last night and steals our thunder. i spent $100 on liquor and beer, but edward made it on the fridge. :(

  22. OMG, all this talk about cards got ME wanting one! And there ain't no way in hell I'm ever going to find one in Serbia if you guys can't get in the U.S. Don't really get these Hallmark people!

  23. Making one your self is a great idea as well, I did a naughty one from my Twi-partners b-day and made her cry. You make em cry if you care obviously haha.

    Now that you know the trials and tribulations of holiday/special event Edward cards, be on the look out for Christmas! At Dazzled by Twilight in Forks they have Twilight christmas stockings... just a heads up. = )

  24. I know I'm totally late on this, but better late than never!! I found Twilight cards!! They were hiding out at Wal-Mart apparently. I put info and pictures on my blog:



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