Monday, October 12, 2009

Jenny Jerkface - Back in the Twi-Game (at least for the next five minutes...)

Jenny? JJ? Where ARE you? I miss you oh-so-much...

Let me preface this by saying something to you all.

I totally fucking missed you. Hardcore. With the exception of a very drunk tweet a few nights ago until my reemergence this afternoon, I know I haven’t been around much these days. It’s killing me. Snarkier Than You has been awesome manning the blog and has only called me a twat-gobbler a couple of times for ditching her. However, when I gave her the options of helping me physically move or doing the blog without me for a few days she didn’t hesitate to pick the blog. My best friend is a smart cookie, what can I say. I couldn't even hold it against her. For long, anyway.

I have told more than a few people that I would not consider this house mine until I had the keys in my chubby little hand and pooped in the toilet (obviously. I mean, I’m disgusting but I know where to do number 2 at).

See? Told you I know where to poop.

So yes, the house is most definitely mine now. A few times over.

ML and I are semi-settled into our new abode, which means that we can locate the wine bottle and opener and find our bed. Even FSE is here! Since being banished from STY's house late Saturday night (yes, we walked him across town), he’s been glaring maliciously at me from his corner in the living room and I still shriek every single time he comes into my field of vision. Sneaky fucker, that one.

Still, despite all the hub bub and bullshit that's been going on these past few days, I haven't forgotten about you. I've missed all the pictures and the news and RPattz jawporn... and it sucked.

Unfortunately, moving isn’t the only thing that has cock blocked me from Twiland. Not only is my little ferret-face sick but both ML and I caught some kind of plague that has essentially transformed me into a bitchy, walking, red-headed snot machine [note from STY: D'oh! You told me you DIDN"T have cooties when we accidentally swapped cocktails that night!!!].

Oh, and one more minor issue... WE HAVE NO FUCKING INTERNET YET.

I'm hovering somewhere in a perpetual state of #2...

Seriously, I think ML did this on purpose as payback for all those times I embarrassed the shit out of him in public or something. Who knew he would be mortified when I screamed down the aisle at the supermarket, "Hey! ML! You use the Preparation H Suppositories, right?!" or when I suggested (loudly) in line that the person in front of us "drink a bowl of [insert offensive/disgusting thing here because it's really quite versatile/interchangeable. I usually go for the STD's...]" because they were talking too loudly on their cell phones.

Regardless, I’m writing this in Word and not Blogger because of this very distressing lack of online contact. I will then have to go next door and offer sexual services for use of my new neighbor's computer. I kid, I kid. Sort of.

I almost gave STY’s laptop a lap dance a couple of nights ago when I went over there to watch a movie (which, clearly, was not watched). I finally stopped when poor Mr. Snarky threatened to separate us because I was giggling maniacally about something (I’m going to guess this is probably when I sent the drunk tweet). He’s a patient man but, if I feel like being honest, even I piss me off sometimes.

Anyway, no internets. No RPattz, no TwiCrack, nuthin’. STY called me earlier to tell me she was listening to the New Moon soundtrack and I was all “OMG, what the fuck are talking about?! I WANT TO LISTEN TOO!!!!” and then I curled up in the fetal position and rocked back and forth, whispering ‘Cablevision, Cablevision, Cablevision’ over and over again until ML came home and I tried to make him read Edward's dialogue in New Moon. Because we don't have a TV either. Needless to say, he said no, muttered something about me being fuck-ass nuts and disappeared into the basement.

Er, where was I?

Oh yeah, today was one of those days that I was excited to go to work. Crazy, right? Wrong.

Work = internet. Internet = Twiland. Twismut, Jawgasms, handporn, fan fiction, RPattz, Do Your Best Bella, whatever. I gobbled it up like it was a life sustenance. Which it kinda is.

If I was flexible enough to do this I totally would...

Then I saw these pictures over at TwiCrack addict and my eyes melted right out of my head in some sort of ocular orgasm. Seriously, I want to sit on his face that swing, too. Um, with him. On top of him. You all know how I love me some scruffy Robward. Meeeeeeee-yow. Hubba hubba.

Holy shit, my vagina just whimpered.

So, yeah, I'd have more to say but I have to head back to the internet dead zone and STY needs her computer back so she can catch up on two weeks worth of emails.


  1. @JJ - ...tears rolling down my face...can't breathe. "My vagina just whimpered." Holy shit....I can't stop laughing. Hard to type. It even got my DH to laugh pretty damn hard.

    Oh god - we missed you JJ! Congrats on the successful move in. Happy pooping!!

  2. Hey, congrats on the move, JJ! And congrats on successfully giving me another asthma attack from laughing so fucking hard. 'My vagina just whimpered.' XD Er, ditto...

  3. Yay, my avatar works! I wasn't sure, cos I suck at that stuff. Woohoo! Two of my most prized possessions, together in one picture. And both are named Edward. My Strat is pale, gorgeous, sounds great, and I've been lusting after one for a while now. What the fuck else was I going to call it?!

  4. @Banshee713 - VERY NICE avatar!! "SUH-WEET!" would actually be more appropriate!

  5. Welcome back JJ! Glad the move was successful, although I don't know what I would do without internet. *Shudders at thought* I couldn't live without my (numerous) daily Twitarded fixes!

  6. Welcome Back & Congrats on the new house!

    Hysterically giggling at the 'whimpering vag' comment.

    Praying that your internet is back & running soon!!!

  7. Welcome back JJ and seriously congrats on the new home!!

  8. Welcome back JJ, ugh bye again?! Aww! We are missing you and your whimpering vajayjay , wahaha!

    Waves at Snarky!

  9. BWAHAHHAHHAHHA! you girls freakin slay me!
    Congrats on the house JJ! (note: typed 'hoes' instead of 'house', Freudian slip?) having no internet es no bueno! and i never get passed stage 2, usually because if the internet is broken, so is the cable. alaska=gaHAY internet.

  10. I misses you sofa king much...
    come back to me soon.

  11. Welcome back JJ!!! Not only are we sufferring from a Twi-drought...but you were missing as well. Hope your cable-guy gets to your new abode QUICKLY!!!!

  12. I think you need to offer the cable guy a blowjob to get the internets up and running... I don't know how you haven't gone completely mad. It's especially bad when you look forward to work on a MONDAY just to get online!

    Congrats on the new house!! Hope you have good water pressure!

  13. @Twichotic: Thanks! Yours is pretty hot, too. Well, pretty, anyway ;)

    Off to play with Edward...the Strat. At least I get to say 'play with Edward'!

  14. Welcome home, JJ! You want to know what pisses me off? (No? I'm gonna tell you anyway.) Any photo "outtake" of mine usually includes shots of me eating, shit stuck in my teeth and/or the sudden onset of lazy eye. I sure as hell don't look like a fucking sex god! How do those photos qualify as an outtake? I'm going to examine them more closely for flaws...

  15. Latchkey has a good plan...I think you can lead into that by waiting for him to ask you, "Ma'am..where would you like your box?"

  16. We've missed you Jenny! That last picuture of Rob makes me drool.

  17. Congrats on the house JJ. We miss you too.

  18. Oh JJ as if it is not stressful enough just moving. No internet makes me as jumpy as, well, a drug addict--scary.

    OK, can I please adopt 'ocular orgasm' and 'my vagina just whimpered'? Holy shit you slay me. Now that would make a great bumper sticker.

    Congrats to you and ML again. Tell Gizmo the west coast is rooting for him.

  19. -JJ is alive! \o/
    -The Vanity Fair shoot makes me think dirrrty dirrty things...and almost lick my screen.
    -Umm I have taken my laptop to the can....and read FF while in there. :S
    -I'm in love with the NM soundtrack! I wanna give CW a sloppy wet kiss.
    -My heart hurts for you and no internet.
    -Come back to us soon.

    I have no idea why my brain is working in point form tonight!

  20. Congrats on your new house!
    My sympathies on the loss of your internet. :( I was away from the internet for 2 whole days and I was experiencing severe Twilight withdrawals.
    I agree the pics Snarky posted were HAWT!!! Great job STY keeping the Twitarded Troops entertained.

  21. welcome back! we've missed the fuck out of you, girlie! congrats on the new house, that's awesome! i hope your little guy feels better...

  22. Hi JJ, welcome back! Glad the house move has gone ok but really feel your pain on the lack of internet front, I know how how I struggled when ours broke before my Twi days, think I'd need the men in white coats to come and remove me to stop me rocking in the corner if it happened now.
    {{get well}} vibes for Gizmo :o(.
    Thanks for the laughs, & that pic! xx

  23. Like an Edward kiss it might be slow in coming but when you can finally access le interweb it's going to feel soooo goooood.

    I feel like we should all club together to get you a Twilight themed toilet seat or something. I shall have a nosey round the Twilight Merchandising netherworld today to see if any are available. If not i might design you one.

    "A nice cup of tea and a slice of Twilight"

  24. JJ, congrats on the new house & I hope you escape from the black hole soon. Get well kisses to Gizmo!

  25. It isn't til now that I realise how much I have missed you.. Welcome back JJ... The Twi-world has missed you too.. I will say that you should be proud of your girl STY she has held the fort up perfectly in your abscence, hence why I didn't realise how much I missed you until now...

    Congrats on the move and your new abode and its great to have you back (well sort off) xxxx

  26. LMAO! In one post, we have poop, the offer of sexual favors, you asking ML to read Edward's dialogue in New Moon, an ocular orgasm, and a whimpering vagina. Freaking priceless!

  27. Of course you would come back with a bang! Welcome back, congrats on the house. Gawd, The Whimpering Vag's...that should be the sign hanging over our clubhouse, right??? Thanks for the laughs.

    @Banshee713...congrats on the awesome avi! Your patience paid off!!! :)

  28. We may need to re-name the blog "The Whimpering Vaginas" - if not, it's definitely the clubhouse sign - lol!

    I missed you, too, JJ!! Nobody puts poop into a Twilight blog like you. Now that's Class!

    P.S. everyone should know that JJ and I are so liked-minded that she found that "notebook in the bathroom stall" pic for this all on her own, but I already had is saved on my computer. It's truly frightening sometimes... I think we are morphing into Cartman in the Trapper Keeper episode of South Park & we're sucking all you guys into our collective blob - Mwahahaha!

    P.S. that pic - and the other "outtakes" (agree w/ Latchkey Wife that I would be the happiest girl in the world if I had ONE pic of me that looked that breathtaking) made me meeeelt... If it had occurred to me that JJ hadn't been able to see them, I would have printed them out for her. Really. I think those pics sparked some good Rob dreams for me last night! [I was still a complete dork in said dream, jftr, although I did have the chance to apologize for being such a dork, which was nice : )].

    veriword = "pidefuc" - I'd let him throw me a pidefuc in a heartbeat... (Hooked on phonics works for me!)

  29. Welcome back JJ. Congratulations on the house.

    Hope Gizmo is feeling better... I'm sending good vibes from across the Atlantic.

    Thanks for the dazzling pic *sigh*.

    Verif word: expull??? Hey, I'll behave; I don't wan't to get expull from Twitarded.

  30. Get well Gizmo! I used to have an asthmatic dog, and by the time she died when she was 14 she was deaf, almost blind from cataracts, had a heart condition and renal failure, was losing her hair and had a grand total of one tooth left. I feel your pain, JJ.

    @fanficzombie: Woohoo! Thanks!

  31. @STY - My podmates wanted to know what I was laughing at and one of them said, "Wait. Don't tell me. It's something to do with those Twitarded people again, right?!" Right. Your veriword/sentence is a classic!!

  32. I am so glad to hear FSE made it through the move unscathed, and did not become a moving box. Now figure out a way to charge him rent so he can help out with any fixer-upper expenses. As for the whimpering vagina pic, how come my plumber doesn't look like that? Imagine plumber's butt on that, anytime!

    Word veri: merili - I merili row RPattz' like a boat.

  33. Congratulation on surviving the move! I know how you feel, I spent the last week in a hotel room in Vancouver with shitty Wi-Fi coverage! Depending on where I was in the room I'd get internet access or not... So I've been going through withdrawl as well... But I had other fun as you well know.... Muha!

  34. Welcome back, JJ! Your presence is like a breath of subway cars - pungent yet bizarrely interesting! LMAO on the whimpering vayjay. Hope the Internets access gets fixed soon - I have had that very problem myself and it sucks. Please keep us posted!

  35. I forgot to ask: you took pictures when you were miving FSE all over town, right? Right??

    Verif word: quilbley. Sounds like some game wizards would play... humm...

  36. Hey JJ! Don't make our dear RPattz sad by staying away too long again! He looks really devastated.....
    Your life totally sucks. I just got my internet access yesterday after 20 days of moving in and all this long, long, LONG time I was in stages 3, 4, and 5 (no 1 or 2 because I knew what was coming my way). I feel your pain once more....
    I can tell you what the medicine is and....... tada!:
    (hope you haven't seen it, I did yesterday. But go ahead and see it anyway. Trust me, you want to see this one, I promise you will be rewarded...... *wiggles eyebrows suggestively* Ye be warned! Combusting panties alert.)
    My love to you all, Aspa

  37. Welcome back. Moving sucks, hope you're recovering ok! Looks like there is some good Rob stuff floating around to help you get back in the swing of things.
    STY was holding it down awesome while you were gone.

    Ok, off to make my son with the fever stop dancing so much to Jonas Brothers......

  38. right, so we didn't find a toilet seat, but found a company who makes them:

    'Hello, is this the custom toilet seat company?'

    'yes it is how can we help you?'

    'Yes i'd like a seat with Edward Cullens face on it please'

    'ok do you want the image on the top or bottom of the lid?'

    'No, sorry I didn't explain properly, I want the image on the actual seat that you sit on'

    'oh. . . right I see!. . . the actual seat part. . . with his face on it?!?'

    'Yes exactly, I want to be sitting on his face'

    A nice cup of tea and a slice of twilight

  39. Congrats on the house!
    What no one nearby has wireless you can temporarily...erm...borrow?

  40. We miss you and your jerkface comments - thanks for the shout-out ;)
    - Lorabell

  41. Haiku, I swear you asked for some.

    Dreampt last night of Rob
    my Boyfriend playful flirty
    so Edward, yet not


  42. Miss you jenny jerkface!!!!! we can't wait to visit the abode come tofurkey weekend! i WILL drag you into the ocean to surf that weeked. FYI!! A + M


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