Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's Almost Christmas. Where's the Porn?

It's almost Christmas time and cookies need to be made, presents [that may or may not have been bought yet] need to be wrapped, festive clothes need to be primped [if they still fit, stupid cookies] and the house needs to be cleaned from top to bottom so my family members don't realize what a total fail I am at being a house frau.

I don't WANNA set up the fucking tree!!! Master of the Universe JUST updated!!!

So, naturally, I've spent the afternoon surfing Twi-blogs while a big pile of unwrapped gifts loom disapprovingly [along with New Moon Full-Size Edward, for that matter] in the corner of my living room.

Fuck the holidays. I mean, I love them and all but they're putting a crimp on 'lazy time'. Oh, and speaking of fucking, that brings me to the next important X-mas Eve topic: Twi-porn, aka "the greatest time suck EVER."

Now, in my defense, I actually baked this morning. When I told Mommy (not a)Jerkface this she actually started cackling, so suffice it to say I'm not exactly Julia Child in the kitchen. In fact, it was only recently brought to my attention that the big black box with the window and metal racks that rests in my kitchen is not actually 'extra storage,' but rather an oven.

I learned two very important lessons during my baking adventure this morning:

1) Cookies turn into hockey pucks if you get distracted by, say, twi-porn and leave them in the oven too long. [note from STY: Mr. Snarky's nickname for me this last year has been "Bloggy McMealBurner - and I totally earned it.]

2) Apparently, touching raw oatmeal cookie batter makes me dry heave like a mother fucker.

Coooookies of ass destruction...

Anyway.

Somewhere in my travels down Procrastination Road I stumbled across the blog of the very talented Subtle Pen. For those who don't know, she writes a fic that I'm really digging called Aro's Heir. Essentially, the story picks up with the show-down at Volterra in New Moon except that Alice, Bella and Edward don't get to leave unscathed. It's a very different twist on our favorite saga and I was immediately drawn in. Her writing is excellent, but I have to warn you - there are some dark themes, especially in the beginning - but it's definitely worth giving a read. Unfortunately for me, I've only gotten through the first few chapters before RL sucked me back into its daily fuckery.

[Stolen from her Twilighted.net]


While I was lurking Subtle Pen's blog, I found a post about another fanfiction: With Teeth by TalulaBlue. It sounded interesting so I figured I'd give it a chance...

Annnnnd two hours later I come up for breath. Seriously, this is an amazingly well-written story and well worth reading. There haven't been any lemons yet, but she fleshes out the characters to the point where their anxiousness in certain scenes is palpable.

So, if you need a break from the fam - and you will - grab your blackberry/iPhone and head to the bathroom for some alone time with Edward and Bella. If anyone dares to question your much-deserved alone-time in the potty, tell them you must have eaten a bad cookie or something. Probably that oatmeal one...

What the fuck? This takes 'hovering' to a whole new level...

26 comments:

  1. Happy Robmas everyone!

    It should be a national holiday...

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  2. Glad I am not alone. Earlier, I was reading the MotU update while baking brownies. Currently, I am reading your blog & CW&IA as my Dad sits next to me. I am praying to sweet birthday boy baby Jesus that Dad doesn't look at the computer screen or asks what I am doing.

    Happy Holidays JJ, STY and all the Twitards out there!!

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  3. Fab post Bloggy McMealBurner! LOL!

    It's 12.20am here so MERRY CHRISTMAS! I just finished wrapping my presents and FSE is also casting disapproving glances in my direction, although the gold lame 3 kings crown (I have no e with an accent above it, the crown is so NOT lame) and gold ribbon around his neck with the Rob Xmas card that Nibbleit sent me, does take the edge off his disapproval. Clearly, making him look ridiculous is the key to coping with his domestic abuse issues.

    I can't wait for the new year and normal service to recommence, I'm going to hit the fanfic big style and I can't wait! Will add your rec's to my list JJ.

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  4. I started "With Teeth" a few days ago and need an update! I'm hesitant to start another story right now, I need to get to bed before 2 tonight...so I picked up an ACTUAL in-hand book. It's pretty good too - "Shiver" by Maggie Stiefvater. I'd rather be reading un update from FF that hasn't updated this week like With Teeth, High Anxiety, or Always & Never! But maybe this will get me through. Ok, my computer time is over - got to go set out Reindeer food.

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  5. Speaking of MotU (now at chap 51) and X-mas.....took the kids to see "The Grinch" on stage and one scene has the hairy green beast walking around with a riding crop, smacking it against his hand (or whatever they are)...and fuck if my mind didn't go to a whole other place!!

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  6. I'm sitting here on Christmas Eve surfing the Twilight blogworld while my entire family is just beyond the door celebrating! In my defense, I am "putting the baby to bed"! Essentially, he is soothing himself to sleep while I get a little twi-fix in!

    Aro's Heir is such an awesome story. Twisted in a good way! I read it a couple of weeks ago and am dyin for an update! Bring on the cocoa butter!

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  7. Awesome that you posted today! Was standing in line at the pharmacy awaiting pain meds. (Having just broken my tooth --damn kettlecorn!!-- and gone to the dentist for a little emergency repair). Sooo....I was trying to finish the new chapter of CW & IA when I felt like the woman behind me was hovering a little too close for my comfort. Maybe she was just another 'tard looking for affirmation, but I'm too far entrenched into the closet to come out to strangers, so I stowed my Iphone for later perusal. On another note, my dentist knows that I am completely phobic and practically throws the gas mask on my face when I walk in the door. I came prepared with my Itunes and had the pleasure of being privately serenaded with Never Think and Let Me Sign while high on the nitrous oxide. It was actually...kind of...nice. ALMOST made me forget my mouth was being tortured.

    Merry Christmas to everyone in the past-midnight time zones!

    Fkat

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  8. Funny that you mention fanfic today, I spent 8 hours at work (yeah fuck them for making me on Christmas Eve) catching up on EP and just when I started to get fucking irritated as hell with my blubbering, I kept on. My eyes now look fucking swollen and shit like I’m sick. Great! Thanks EP for trashing me, is every chapter that incredibly depressing?
    BTW Merry Christmas JJ and STY!!

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  9. My kids are pretending to sleep so i was able to log on and get a little twi-fix before I set up the tree.

    Thanks for the porn recs, I'll be definately checking them out!

    Have a great day and just throw all the clothes in your closet, run the vacuum, and clean the bathroom sink. If the guests look anywhere else, they deserve to see what they see.

    xoxoxoxox

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  10. Merry Christmas Twitarded, Jenny Jerkface, and Snarkier Than You!! I've been rather silent lately and absent from the land of Twitardia....but I've been watching and reading. Just silent and fucking busy...very fucking busy.

    Love ya'll...and thanks for the VERY happy happy Twitarded 2009!!!

    ~Twichotic

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  11. 'Cookies of ass destruction', LMAO! Shoulda thought of bad cookies to get the fuck away from my insane family and find refuge in Twitardia for a while today. You guys always cheer me up. Especially after dealing with my family. I don't think any of them are actually as batshit crazy as I am, but get them together and they'll give you a headache that'll last WEEKS.

    Totally had a Bella moment today. I was getting out of the car and slipped on the icy blacktop, walloped my leg and said FUCK! very loudly. In a churchyard. Full of children. And possibly a couple of priests. Oops.

    Veri-word: cocade. Sounds like a very dirty drink.

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  12. LOVED the caption for the first pic! I have to wait to read until DH goes to work the day after Christmas so he doesn't bust a gut because I'm "on that damn computer reading again". I'm about ready to die! I need a fanfic fix!

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  13. My biggest fear has been realized. I knew that if I went for just the tip of ff (a chapter here and there, short stories like Jingle Balls, and a couple of one-shot recs), that I'd end up wanting to swallow the whole thing. I've started a list of ff recs to start tackling after the holidays. I'm hooked now, damn it!

    @Rob's Bitch - Good call. It would make a great national holiday :)

    @HG - Don't think I'll be reading EP any time soon. I don't want to be crying after every chapter. Thanks for the indadvertent rec.

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  14. damn you , i had trouble sleeping tonite and i wound up reading the whole 18 chapters of Aro's Heir. arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh. i want more. i popped my fanfic cherry on christmas day.

    wv:treblan- how bella feels as edward caresses her from behind

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  15. Thank you for the new fan fic recs! I've been needing some new distraction!

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  16. So glad I'm not alone! I'm surfing the web waiting for the family to get up. It's after 8 - guess there was too much scotch last night. Merry Christmas everyone!

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  17. I spent Christmas Eve reading all the udpated Fanfic - hey most were Christmas related so I couldn't NOT read them...right?? My hubby didn't seem to mind... he was twittering or whatever he does for hours on end on his computer. Then this morning I read one more update and lo and behold it was Christmas related too...lucky me! Have a joyous holiday!

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  18. I can't believe this post today, because it's Christmas day and I have been locken in my room for the past 4 hours on Twilighted.net! Oh the irony. Merry Christmas STY and JJ!

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  19. I had to work Christmas day; but I totes had my iPod Touch re-reading Clipped Wings & Inked Armor!!

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  20. @BR549 - You can upload ff to your iPod Touch?! I just got a new one. How do I go about doing that?

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  21. Thanks again for another great fanfic read- I saw your post on the 24th and just finished Aro's Heir earlier today! I can't waith to read more!!! Happy holidays to you!!

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  22. oh JJ (or should i say Bloggy McMealBurner)!! i need fresh panties now! thank you so much for the lovely 'Tard pimpage of Aro's Heir... can't tell you how much i appreciate it! Next chapter is in the works. :D

    wet slurps to you and STY,

    -TwiMom O'CarryOut

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  23. Subtle Pen, so glad you came here-- this is where I found the link to your writing and I have to say here (as I did there)- I think you one-upped SM. Your writing takes the story and makes it richer, more detailed, much more alive (har har), more believable, more satisfying (ahem). Thank you- keep writing!

    If you get your own book deal, I wouldn't be surprised. ;)

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  24. wordy doodles - you just made my year. thank you. *blush*

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  25. I had to work Christmas day; but I totes had my iPod Touch re-reading Clipped Wings & Inked Armor!!

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  26. So glad I'm not alone! I'm surfing the web waiting for the family to get up. It's after 8 - guess there was too much scotch last night. Merry Christmas everyone!

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