Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Little New Year's Toast... with Twi-porn

I'm thinking that this post is a kind of preemptive strike for the hangover that I'm sure will be kicking my ass tomorrow morning, rendering me completely useless to do anything remotely productive, except moan like a sad little bitch and promise myself that 'I'll never drink again.' Conversely, I hope this is beneficial to all you lovely whore-flaps who are smart enough NOT to try to drink your weight in cheap champagne and opted to stay home tonight.

Dear STY - If you ever even THINK of doing something like this to me I will hunt you down like James did to Bella and there will be no Edward to save you. Love you!

I can't think of a better way to while away the hours than with fan fiction. I know, I know, we already dangled a few naughty stories in your faces last week but... well, it's the holidays. It's a time of the year when you're supposed to be a total glutton and as far as I'm concerned, that goes for porn as well.

In fact, I started preparing for my smut-filled weekend a couple of days ago. I had the full intention of braving the fucking freezing-ass weather on Tuesday and heading down to Ricky's to purchase a few 'adult' items. Then I had a mental image of getting searched at the subway station on my way home and trying to explain to the NYPD why I had an Edward Cullen action figure, used tissues and a tub of Make Me Cum personal lubricant in my bag. Awkward, much?

You didn't think I was making that up, did you?

I think I'll order it online. Or maybe I'll make ML drive my car-less ass to the adult store near town and watch the look of horror on his face when he realizes he has to park his car in a parking lot that is right next to a very busy, well-traveled highway. Awkward is only funny when it's someone else, after all.

Anyway, here are a few more wonderful, smut-filled, lemony-gasmic fics that I've been humping my computer chair over. I've also included a few fics I've received recommendations on from you guys - I received so many recs from all of you over the months that I probably have about 100 emails full of sluttiness that I need to go through. I've checked most of these fics out in some capacity and they've all been added to my smut list so... I figured I'd spread the goodness.



These are a few that fics I give a fan-girl squee to when they update:

The Lost Boys - Three young woman, three young men, a potentially haunted Victorian that's falling apart around their ears, unrequited love, and an up and coming band. Take all that, shake it up, and set it in romantic San Francisco. All human, usual pairings. [There is a scene in this fic that almost made my fucking chair burst into flames. Well, there were quite a few but this one in particular... yowser]

Poughkeepsie -[<-- Boo. This has actually recently been pulled. Thanks Anntastic for the update!] AU. Bella is at the train station when a homeless man gets attacked. Even if the other train passengers can turn their backs on 'Crazy', the man that pretends to play piano on cardboard, Bella can't [I just started this one - it's been recommended to me by many people and so far so good.]

Hydraulic Level 5 - Critics hailed Edward Cullen’s novels as “masterful” and "brimstone beauty"--a genius of our time. Eh. I gave him my heart when I was four…and still, he left me for his stupid vampire books. Now he's an NYC elite...and I have extreme sports in Forks, WA. [I adore Bella in this story and all the characters are just absolutely awesome. A very professionally written fic, imo]

Oh Jeebus. JJ's lookin' at me all funny again. This can't be good...

I pulled this one from Random Acts of Rob, I believe and just started it - very pleased so far.

NuMb - Another Kharizzmatik fic -
They said she'd gone insane. Bella simply wanted to remember Edward, not knowing her actions would devastate those around her and destroy lives. Will anyone forgive her? Will she ever find herself again? Furthermore, is she still crazy? BxE

Twi-Me also recently sent in a few suggestions:

The Blessing and the Curse - By pretending she is falling for Edward, Bella is fulfilling Esme’s dying wish. But sexy, possessive Edward can read her mind. Will she ever get into his? Can Bella forget the pain of her teenage years, and can she resist his relentless seduction? AH. [This is an excellent story. Edward is a total cock in the beginning but... it's just good. Read it.]

Tropic of Virgo - He's a young but jaded musician writing lyrics for his band, and she's a naive, frustrated poet looking to break out of her shell; their words collide online. What happens when they meet in high school, unaware of their literary connection? [I think this was one of the first completed fics I ever read and I absolutely gobbled every last morsel of it. It's amazing]

Fanficzombie left a link in one of the comment trails and I HAD to check out. Holy shit is this one-shot fucking hysterical - I Want to Eff You Like A Masochistic Lion. 'Nuff said.

OMG, that story was as awkward as I am during interviews. But really, really funny!!

When they aren't being totally twatty on Twitter, the two sardonic, evil bitches - Latchkey Wife and Texas Katherine, throw a few yummy fics my way.

Secure Entrance - What happens when you're stuck going through security and your nipple rings set off the man holding the metal detecting wand? M for Pierced lemon and Wandward. [I actually haven't read this yet but from the reaction of TK and LKW, it's definitely fucking good.]

Art After 5 - Bella Swan had life figured out until she met sixteen-year-old Edward Cullen. A few months and an intense emotional connection later, she finds herself on a journey toward self acceptance while questioning everything she'd previously accepted as true. [Only a few chapters into this but it's really well written and the characters are believable.]

Illegal Contact - Edward Masen is a 29 year old former NFL football player, now coaching high school football in Forks. He leads a quiet life until he meets a woman that will change his life forever. What's been missing from his life may be right in front of him. AH [Er, I haven't gotten to this one yet either but just hearing them rave about it is enough for me. If you hate it, you can find those two on Twitter and let them know!]

Speaking of Twitter, a few of you may have noticed a small... war going on between myself, Latchkey Wife and Texas Katherine for the past day or so. It involved one of us having knowledge of a really good one-shot fic and not giving up the link to the other two. A Rick Roll may or may not have been involved. However, apparently my asshole skills are above and beyond exceptional. Go me!

Regardless, the fic that I was so cuntily cock-blocking from those two is one I picked up from Whitney Twilog over on Facebook. It's called The Midnight Caller and it is hot!

So that's it for now. I hope you enjoy the smut, ladies!

We hope you all have a very excellent, fun-filled New Year's Eve. It's been a great year together and you all are so awesome!

Be safe, twatwaffles.


Love,
Jenny & Snarkier Than You

39 comments:

  1. You couldn't have posted this at a better time. After a week of basically being offline due to the holidays I'm back and just now catching up on your posts while munching on cheese, and waiting for the husband to refill my wine glass as he finish up our NYE dinner. It's a good day....

    But to have sooo many new fanfic recs makes it a GREAT day!

    I've wanted to read Illegal Contact for a while but totally couldn't remember the name of the story. Thank you for that alone!

    Happy New Years Eve... I'm sure you'll be out and about doing something fun and festive like all those others sans-kids. Cheers to you!

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  2. I loveee the fan fic. Thanks for all the recs. There is one that I was reading for the past few days that is on Twilighted and Fanficton.net called The Half Breed that I was enjoying. I'm pretty behind on all this stuff since I just got a computer in October, so you may of already heard of it. Anyway, it's all canon pairings but Edward is the biolagical son of Carlisle and Esme, then move to Forks, and meet Bella. Anywhosal, Happy New Year!!

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  3. @JJ--I hate your twat waffle ass so much right now. I'm the one who sent you the Midnight Caller link, asstard! I can't believe you teased me with my own rec for 24 hours. Wanker.

    v/w--storks--WTF? Not just one, but multiple baby bringers? Kill me now.

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  4. So I'm sitting in my house doing absolutely NUTHIN tonight. I feel so loved.

    I guess I'll poke around some of the Fan Fics recommended. Maybe one will grab me which in turn, will allow Mr. Moxie to grab-n-poke me later.

    Twappy New Year!

    P.S. If you have a hangover tomorrow eat a banana when you wake up. It works for me unless Jager was involved. If that's the case, God help you.

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  5. Aww crap! I have a list of ff to read, and only like 2 of the ones I had found are on there and I just started a new one yesterday. FML I'm not going to get SHIT done around here b/c my nose is always in this computer! I have 20 stories that I crave updates on..this from a girl who hates to have more than one book going at a time! I have 2 weeks left of winter break..I guess I know how I'll be spending it! BUT - I do thank you for the recs!
    2009 brought me Twi..it was one of the best yrs EVER! '10 is looking purdy good.... :D

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  6. Great post, great rec's but DO NOTE:

    POUGHKEEPSIE HAS BEEN PULLED. MrsTheKing (@Geekerella) pulled is a while back to rework for publishing. She has the last couple of chapters up for ppl who had not finished, and she's working on outtakes (Pough, Jr.) but in case you go hunting, POUGH IS GONE :(

    Have a wonderful new year! BTW, I did a little post a few weeks ago about a Fanfic's dream gift basket, including lube. I have never found so fucking many brands, names, kinds of lube in my LIFE! My favorite was Good Head. They also make organic lube, you know for the eco-conscious buttsecks lover!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!
    xoxo

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  7. Great recs ~
    and just for the record I worship at the alter of Twitarded!!
    You have made this year fanfuckingtastic!
    I love that I am blessed to belong to such an amazing group of smart, bitchy, talented, hilarious women ~ and apparently a few dudes!
    I can not wait to see the debauchery that ensues in the coming year!

    Thanks to all of you ~ and Happy New Year!

    Much love ~ Ginny

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  8. Oh The Lost Boys has been owning my ass for several weeks now. I wish she'd update more frequently! It's killing me!

    Same with Edward Wallbanger - I started that one two nights ago and I'm caught up.

    And over on Twilighted, I have reading "Taking Chances" - a story about Rob and a girl he met in London. God, if he's half as good in life as he is in this story, Lord help any woman he makes love to! She'll be left a dehydrated crumbly mess on the floor! This one is also still a work in progress.

    And here I was...the one who said they'd never start another incomplete story.

    I think I'm going to start reading The Submissive now. Or The Dominant.

    I don't know...which should I start with, girls??

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  9. Yippee--new recs! I just finished the Twigasm podcast w/ you 2 hysterical ladies on it, so with those and now these new recs, I'm set for the next few weeks.

    Just finishing up Mr Horrible...here, then off to give a bit of Lauren Cullen's (I think!) slash fic a try! Hehehehe...

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  10. I can totally recommend The Blessing and the Curse.....this story is angst and lemon filled in a glorious way. The author literally paints tapestries with her words (am I gushing? yes indeedy!). The UST between this Bella and Edward is amazing and the unique plot twist makes this a compelling story (and, no, I am not the author! just a huge fan.) I can't say enough about this fic.

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  11. Muhahaha More smut to read!

    Remember drink water and take an ibuprofen before bed and B12 in the morning.. Works like a charm for me!

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  12. It seems lately that I'm a total fanfic junkie, so thank you for throwing a little extra crack my way. My favs the past several months have been:

    1. Edward Wallbanger by feathersmmmm
    2. Emancipation Proclamation by kharizzmatick
    3. Mr. Horrible by algonquinrt
    4. Work in Progress by Araeo
    5. Clipped Wings & Inked Armor by Hunter Hunting

    They can be found on fanfiction.net and all are awesome (Go! Now!). Happy New Year to all my fellow Twitards!!

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  13. I'm going to assume that you were already drunk off your ass when you came up with that rec list because I can't think of any other way that you would leave off Wide Awake! (It's at http://angstgoddess003.livejournal.com/tag/wide+awake) It was the first fanfic that I ever read and it ruined me for all other fanfics. Seriously, nothing else even comes close. To make it even better, the two part epilogue just came out. I'm not completely sold on the ending, but it's still damn good writing and some fucking hot lemons. If you haven't read it, you need to get your drunken ass up off the floor and read it. Oh, and I should probably warn you that you will be so wrapped up in reading that you will be MIA for the next few days.

    A few other recs:
    Bella Swan: Kidnapper--Fucking hilarious.
    Tropic of Virgo--Like you said, amazing.
    Clipped Wings and Inked Armor--Again, I can't believe you didn't list this one. Inkward is fuck all hot.

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  14. Can't think of a better way to ring in the New Year while the DH has to work. Reading lots of fanfic and watching a repeat of the Precious on Letterman. Sweet dreams tonite!

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  15. @TO Twicat - read The Submissive first!! Then The Dom. And then The Training!!

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  16. @Anntastic23 - I think Poughkeepsie is on Twilighted in it's entirety.

    You've got excellent taste JJ, I've faved most of those on the list. Emancipation Proclamation is a good one too. Started reading it a week or so ago and am almost caught up. La Canzone Della Bella Cigna by philadelphic is a great AU fic. I'm also loving the banter and UST in No Place Like Home (tellingmelies). I think my all time favorite may be Trust in Advertising by vjgm. It's on Twilighted.

    Happy New Year!

    w/v - golenth... My Strongbow-riddled brain adds another "g" to it... and then gets all distracted. :)

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  17. OMG - "I Want to Eff You...."....bloody fucking BRILLIANT. Snark taken to the extreme and totally skewers Twi and Fan Fic in the most hysterical way. Thanks for the rec - I would have missed this one and so glad I didn't.

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  18. Happy New Year twat-waffles, here's to another smut-tastic year! MWAAA!!!!

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  19. Happy New Year to those who have a life and friends. I'm reading really bad ff - really bad ff, but its all I can do since I'm stuck in the house per doctor's orders until Friday @ 3 PM when I have to go their glorious bitchfaces - can it come quick enough, can it? I'm missing a friggin' Heaven and Hell NYE party, I missing drinking and being so drunk I fall asleep in the cab ride home which could result in me being apart of the real life "Bone Collector" - Argh!

    But, since you are dispensing ff recs - could someone please for the love of God please give me some good Bella and Jacob ff's - yes I typed Bella and Jacob. I'm still in my I can't stand Edward phase due to "New Moon" goodness. So if you can help me out, please do!!!

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  20. Happy New Year ladies!! looking forward to a 2010 full of twigoodness!! :) Good luck with those hangovers today!

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  21. I rang in the new year with Art After 5 and it was awesome!!! Lemony and lovey, my perfect combo....

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  22. Happy New Year Twitardia, JJ, and STY!!

    I started my New Year by starting Edward Wallbanger. How fun!! =)

    Cheers!

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  23. @Latchkey...Thanks, Babes!

    Off to read Submissive and to add The Training to my favourites...

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  24. Happy, Healthy and Horny New Year to JJ, STY and all twitards.

    I've seen crazier things when stuck behind someone in a search at a NYC subway station, such as a dildo that I originally thought was a walking cane. Oh well, someone was having a good (or painful) evening. I am intrigued by your Adam & Eve product...I sort of think it should come with a book called "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT" that you could give to your partner. I suppose more sensitive wouldn't be a bad thing, but it just seems equivalent to a product to make 'water' wetter.

    Happy 2010!

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  25. Thanks for the recommendations I only have 2 fics that I am reading at the moment Clipped Wings and Inked Armor (I think I get wet just seeing the update email) and The Training. As soon as I finished reading your post I read Midnight Caller. Holy Shit! So FUCKING awesome!!!!!!!! Happy New Year!!!!

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  26. Yes, yes, and more yes! Thank you for FF and thank you to everyone who recommended. I never knew such a thing existed until one of your more recent (recent to me means within the past two months) postings and only last week figured out just what it was...Absolutely brilliant stuff!

    Looks like my 2010 will begetting off to the right start.

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  27. @TJB I'm with you, as much as I love Robward, our little Taycob is pretty yummy in NM and as much as I'm no expert on fanfic (didn't even know what it was til recently) how about some Bella/Jake action? He's legal In Australia ha ha.
    W/V amend, lets amend the lack of B/J fanfic recs.

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  28. I can't believe I just went and added all the recs in the post and in these comments. I may never leave my house...oh wait... I have to go to work on Monday. Dang it.

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  29. @Stacked Like Sookie - I found a great one that is B/E AND B/J - she's kind of a whore in it (which, face it, we totally ALL would be whores too if given the chance to do both hot young lads) - it's pretty awesome. It's called Fire & Ice & I found it on Twilighted.net.

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  30. oh, THANK YOU.

    my roommates, with whom i share a computer, are gone this weekend...and you know what that means...it's time for lots of lemony goodness! i am far more excited about this than i should be.

    p.s. i've been reading so much fic lately (most recently MoTU), that i have started to blurt out highly inappropriate things in normal conversation. i find it quite funny.

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  31. Happy new year 2010 ^^!





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  32. @TJB - I know of Jacob and Renesmee fic. Natural Satellites and Shooting Stars, written by Stan from Edbrella.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5433582/1/Natural_Satellites_Shooting_Stars

    @JJ - WTF! What does this clit sensitizer, or whatever it's called, do?

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  33. I just stumbled across your blog, and I just wanted to state..that I think I'm in love. For reals. That is all.

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  34. Hey Mary I'm underneath you bwahahaha.
    I just want to apologise to JJ and STY although you probably haven't even noticed lol being as you have a huh-ooooge following, you were my first twilight blog and I loved you. But I wandered off into other bloggy Kingdoms, 1 being Twi-sted Edbrella and cos they're english (almost all of them-sorry Weasel) and in my time zone I stayed put. I never forgot you though, you became that elderly relative I always mean to visit but somehow never get round to (trying to do that to my mother but she bloody well won't give up) Anyway between all these blogs and RL I apologise for wandering off and wonder if I could perhaps be welcomed back to the fold?

    Ps Can I bribe you by saying I'm buying a t shirt ( I was gonna anyways but it sounds good-right?)

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  35. hey JJ - So Ya KNow - Fics can be born on twitter - A little backstory about that hot one shot "Secure Entrance" The fab author @elusivekoolaid was talkin about getting her tatts with us..she & ashnanphillips (now @shoewhoreninja) were talking airports and piercings..and I commented that it would be yummy hot if Rob was the Guard in a fic..and Bam - WandWard was born. the next day the fic was done! see the dedications at the top - we were all over the twittermoon.

    another fic idea was also just twittterborn- a Pirateward fic..that @elusivekoolaid offered to write it. i saw someone's tweet and thought they wrote "pirate" but it wasn't - then i got all ohh Piratefic - wouldn't that be dreamy and elusivekoolaid offered again! So.. lambcullen and elusivekoolaid, twi_stfm, donnersun, becky_boodles, yarnslinger and shoeslut got all into it and we got whipped into a "surrender the bootie" twitter frenzy.

    Moral of the story - hang out with awesome tweeters and ya never know what can happen.
    Fic Happens ( a new bumpersticker I'm working on)

    xoxo..Keep writing and rec'in!

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  36. @Jelena oh, I'm already pwned by "Natural Satellites and Shooting Stars" - but, thank you kindly for the rec.

    @Stacked Like Sookie there is a Bella and Jacob ff called "One Night in a Tent" and it's sequel "The Harvest" - which I adore. "The Harvest" is a little darker than "One Night," but I truly enjoy it. "One Night" has been a little pornish for my taste at times but it is good writing so I blush and continue reading. Both can be found at http://lemonjuicy.squarespace.com/

    I also enjoy a ff called "Coming Full Circle" http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4655012/1/Coming_Full_Circle it is also on Twilighted. I adore this too - it's sweet and it makes me happy.

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  37. zomg, can't believe I've been rec'd at twitarded. I kinda lurk/lick over here ever since the summer. thanks for the love!!!

    and yeah. pirateward/rumward will be gettin his sword out soon enough.

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  38. oh sweetness! I've been looking for some hot twi-porn lately since I can't read The Office anytime soon (the epitomy of hot Twi-Porn, IMO!). Thanks!

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  39. zomg, can't believe I've been rec'd at twitarded. I kinda lurk/lick over here ever since the summer. thanks for the love!!!

    and yeah. pirateward/rumward will be gettin his sword out soon enough.

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