Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Seven Deadly Sins of Twilight

So, this morning I'm running all over the house looking for a clean pair of knees socks when ML not-so-delicately pointed out that maybe if I a) did laundry and b) folded laundry once done that I wouldn't be going apeshit every morning looking for stuff. I told him I didn't have time to do the laundry and then I bit his head off but he got me thinking...

I've been really lazy lately when it comes to housework. And yardwork. And other... life stuff.

I wasn't always like this, but something happened January 15, 2009 and it changed everything. I used to pay bills on time and take pride that my humble abode was all sparkly but now... I care about other sparkly things.

Seriously, I was a type-A cleaning freak but now I'm just fucking preoccupied and lazy. I've become a total sloth.

...of Twilight, that is!

Stay with me now.

My slothiness is a direct result of my Twilight obsession and it occurred to me that sloth is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Well, if I am rolling in the hay with one Sin, then surely I must be getting up close and personal with the other six because I'm pretty sure that you can't just live one Sin. I think it's like an all out Sin-gangbang. All or nothing. Seriously, check the rulebook. It's under the chapter 18 "Life Obsessions", Article 13:b4 - "when one's life is completely overtaken by a silly tween saga that includes sparkly, brooding vampires and a whiny heroine, one must fully embrace all consequences theretoafter, including, but not withstanding, hanging out with Sins. All of them. All of the time."

What, you guys don't have the rulebook?

Anyhoo. I decided it was time to compile my own list of the Seven Twitarded Sins. But these seven Sins aren't actually deadly. In fact, they can be quite heavenly. Orrrrr, they could result in job loss, divorce, impending insanity, or making you look just plain fucking creepy.

Pride - I'm Twitarded and proud of it, so suck it! I am beyond proud of belonging to this awesome community of smart, bitchy, hysterical and smexy goddesses! So, yes, we are very, very prideful.

Pride also includes Vanity, and I am here to set the record straight on this one. Snarkier Than You and I are unconditionally and irrevocably vain. Those silly little head shots we post every now and then? The ones of us sitting on the train and half of STY's head is cut out and you can only see my one eye? Well, that was actually shot number 36 and those were the only parts of our bodies that passed the final cut. You should have seen the meltdown STY almost had at Penn Station when it rained during New Moon.

Shot #2348976048629008437. Good enough. I think I still see flaws. Like my face.

Envy - Kristen Stewart. 'Nuff said. I mean, seriously, she's more than likely bumpin' uglies with RPattz and she's totally gorgeous, even when she's twitching. Oh, and I'm sure she's set for life from the Twilight saga, so yeah. I'm fucking jealous.

Oh. Mah. Gahd. SO unfair!!!

Lust
- Ummm, RPattz, anyone? Kellan Lutz? PFach? Hell, some days I even want to tap KStew's ass.

Oh, and let's not forget the plethora of slutty fan fiction that's out there. I'm going to have to cover my computer chair with a tarp one of these days... Not to mention that ML is starting to whimper and cover his junk when he sees me on FanFiction.net.

I've said it before but I have never, ever been so absurdly attracted to a celebrity. A hint of stubble on RPattz's sharp jaw sends my clitoris into a tizzy. So, I'm going to venture out and say that ohhhhhh, yes, we most certainly, definitely have Lust covered.

My vagina told me this is her new favorite picture and I must obey by posting it frequently

Greed - MORE, MORE, MORE!! Why won't Stephenie Meyer finish Midnight Sun? What the hell? Where is RPattz lurking - we haven't had new pictures lately. OMG, [fill in the blank] fan fic just updated!!

I have actually hidden in the bathroom at work, reading fan fiction, because I just could not get enough. I needed it. I want it and I want it NOW. Yup, greedy mother fuckers.

Wrath - Breaking. Fucking. Dawn. Hell hath no fury like me after I finished reading that fucking book. Even STY called me up a few times, shrieking like a Banshee, ranting like a lunatic when she was reading it. And I'm 99% positive Mommy (not a)Jerkface will disown me when she finally gets to it.

And also, this:

What the fucking-fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck IS this scene?
I'd still do Edward even if he was wearing that dopey outfit. But not Bella.

Sloth - This is my general behavior toward everything that does not involve Twilight. Laundry? Uh huh, sure, I'll get to it. Later. Master of the Universe just updated, after all.

I've been known to piss away an entire weekend morning, going into the afternoon, in my pajamas [which ARE NOT sweatpants], drinking coffee, reading twi-smut and catching up on any Twi-related news. Meanwhile, ML is raking the lawn, tidying up the basement, doing dishes and so on. Fucking overachiever.

Gluttony - This is what happens when you finally have the chance to sit down with the pile of Twi-goods you've amassed [see Greed, above - as far as I'm concerned, these two are interchangeable.] Gluttony is basically scouring the internet for news, pics, gossip or anything Twi-related and then devouring it with self-satisfying gusto. You know how when you gorge yourself on food you sometimes have to unbutton your pants to make room? Well, if RPattz pictures were food, I'd need to take the pants entirely off because I have no intention of NOT looking.

P.S. - Is it bad that I actually had to Google "seven deadly sins" because I couldn't remember all of them? Which is odd, given the fact that I'm very, very familiar with all of them... we're tight, these sins and I.

94 comments:

  1. YAY! I'm first, I'm first! Why does this feel like such an achievement?
    This post was awesome & I laughed out loud several times & even read a few things to my hubby, hoping he would just get it (GET IT ALREADY!). I especially liked the part about wanting to tap Kstew's ass! HA!
    I just have to say one thing though - I am fairly new to this blog & have always thought that JJ was the one in the green glasses & STY was the one with the one eye. My head is a little fucked up right now because the image I had of you lovely ladies is all bass-ackward. It's kinda weird.

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  2. Hey, JJ! Excellent assesment of my current life...I have one teensy-weensy bone to pick with you tho...Let's revisit Lust. I have to say that when I'm not fucking creaming in my jeans over RPattz? Oh, fuck yeah, I'm quivering over Jackson Rathbone! How dare you forget him? ;) (Altho, now that I think about it, it does leave more for me, right?)

    Better yet...I'll take a JackRob sandwich! Drippy, sloppy, hair pulling...Yeah. Now I totes need a smoke.

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  3. This was totally funny... I am so envy and PRIDE! Fuck it, who am I kidding, I'm all of them. I'm so gluttonous that I won't give my husband $7 for a pack of smokes because I might need it to see NM again

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  4. Well, I needed this after MOTU Chpt 52. And I agree w/your thoughts about that stubble photo. Squeeee!

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  5. MOre more more! More tshirts! More NM viewings! More fics! More Robp0rn, More Red Carpet Stewy (yes, I love her, sue me), More Twilight references in RL, More magazine covers, MORE! Hell, it's THE middle-of-the-lemon plea that often falls from Edward or Bella's lips (along with MINE....which is also how I feel about The Pattz).

    And of course? More blog reading. Unf. You ladies make me twitch :) Have fun at Twigasm tonight!

    xo

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  6. *cracking up with laughter* OMG I'm dying. I'm such a bad Catholic, seven deadly sins? This is different from the ten commandments? What! What are they?

    I think I may have to say that I am too, close buddies with sin. After all, I lust after Rob and make videos with him and stare longingly into the one photo of him in his underwear. BTW, I know exactly what side his penis is on! Hey but for me that's just Rob. Now, I also love Eric Northman, Damon Salvatore, the various fanfic Edwards out there.. I mean, I'm a dirty fucking whore. Geezus and I say sweet baby Jesus all the time.

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  7. OMG LMAO!I still cant look at that frolicking scene without giggling. and that outfit is just screamin to be ripped off his fine form. ;-)

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  8. I also think there is some mistake with photos, for some reason (ie JJ twitter photo) always assumed that JJ is the redhead and STY the brunette.

    Oh and I'm so going to Hell, my soul is beyond saving. But I'll have a great company in Hell, so not too scared about that. Anyway there are goods coming our way pretty soon. The runaways trailer tmr :), there is a sneak pick for it already (for Kstew fans), Rob in Vogue, Klutz for CK, Kstew in VF Hollywood Issue, and them the movies (WTTR, Runaways, RM, Eclipse). gahhhhhhhhhh can't

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  9. @ H.Girl. Underwear? Penis? What? Where?

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  10. can't wait:) that's what it was supposed to say

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  11. OMG this is f***ing hillarious!!!!! My only objections is that Taylor Lautner is not mentioned in the Lust sin, you know, those abs!!!!! That body!!!!!! Uhhhh I'm melting!!!

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  12. I am on perfect terms with all these Sins. They stand up and cheer when they see me coming. Ok maybe not but when I read the beginning about laundry I remembered I had forgotten to dry mine because of Twilight related reading LOL.

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  13. OMG!
    Do you watch me from a little camera in my home?
    That is just too creepy for words how you EXACTLY described me and my obsession.
    Every one of them... nail on the head.
    I especially get a giggle out of ML grabbing his junk and whimpering... yeah there's either the whimperers or the ones who fist pump and wait in the bedroom for you...
    and Wrath- 150% that fucking scene was worse for me than the meadow... soryy folks the movie meadow scene in twilight pissed me the fuck off! Where was the touching, the leaping the..the..the..tension and love...

    Of course you didn't mention the unmentionable...Jacob Black....s'all i'm saying. Alot of us are going to hell after that Rolling stone came out....

    seriously... stop stalking me already... Now everyone knows about my sinful acts....

    HAHAHA! love you guys.... really...I'm glad i won't be alone in Hell. They will have an entire wing for Twitards....

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  14. ohhhh how i love you ladies!

    i agree with @holdmeRansom, at "not to mention that ML is starting to whimper and cover his junk when he sees me on FanFiction.net," i was full blown laughing out loud! (BTW, Ransom? as in... Spunk Ransom??!) ohhh the mental picture i got of you jackrabbit humping ML after some fanfic... burned into my brain forever!

    it's like this post could have been written by me!! albeit less eloquently/funny. i swear twitarded is like a 12 step program... but where we embrace our addiction and tell allll those in our life to STFU because there's nothing wrong with us, as opposed to committing to recovery. i love my sinning ways and i'm so happy to be able to share it with all you guys. :)

    now @HonoluluGirl, where the fuck are these underwear pictures where you can see which way little RPattz is swinging??!?

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  15. You just caused me to have a HUGE fucking revelation. Over the last year or so my husband has become incredibly diligent about the laundry and doing dishes and such and I have been thinking "oh, how cute, he is nesting. He is moving into future daddy mode. Just need to get knocked up now to complete this little adorable picture of domesticity." But NOW, I realize that he isn't nesting! He is just so fucking fed up with the mess that is left because I am completely incapable of doing anything that isn't Twilight related that he is forced to do the chores! Seriously! My apartment looks like Christmas threw up all over it and all I am doing is reading fanfic! Thanks for the eye-opener. I might need to take stock of my sins before he gives up on me completely! And by the way, HOLY SHIT that up-close jaw shot is very "ungh" worthy.

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  16. We're all burning in Twi-Hell. And, oddly, I'm okay with that ... as long as RPattz is there and occasionally lets me touch his hairy chin stubble. Uhh ... yeah.

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  17. You just described my life perfectly. I too have been known to read fanfic in the bathroom at work (thank you Jesusphone) and my housework has dwindled quite a bit. I think the only reason the hubs puts up with it is because of the extra action he gets these days!

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  18. I don't even know how I stumbled across this blog...searching for something Robert Pattinson related of course!! This is AMAZING! I could have written this myself. It's nice to know that REAL women are just as obsessed with Rob as much as I am!!! Yes, teeny boppers love him...but us married ladies do too!! Those young girls don't even know what they're looking at! I actually had the pleasure of getting his autograph in NYC after the David Letterman show....nearly came right then and there when he signed my Vanity Fair magazine. Husband and I acutally ended up getting into a tiff later on that evening because I could NOT stop obsessing over him!! sigh....Anyway, I am just like you ladies...constangly searching goole for new pics...youtube....robsessed...twitter...anything I can feast my eyes on! I am in LUST!!!!!! Never have I obsessed this much over a celebrity...never!!!! I love it though...makes me feel young..even though I'm only 29!! Thanks for the support ladies!

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  19. And THAT is why I come here! Just when I think that I prolly won't be getting mom or wife of the year - I see that I'm NOT alone! I'll do laundry - when the fam is bitching there's no clean socks or underwear, I'll cook dinner (frozen corn dogs and a can of fruit IS a meal damnit), and so what I only get 4 fucking hrs of sleep a night b/c after classes, work and other shit - I have to have time for some FF, and once I start, I can. NOT. stop! The husband thinks that at 31, I've finally hit my "prime"..he has no clue it's all b/c of FF! :)

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  21. Guilty, all counts :-D
    And to be notified that another chap of MoTU is posted... Well, I know what I'm about to go do!

    (read, you perverts, read!)


    (and then probably that other thing...)

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  22. Please tell me I'm not the only one who fantasizes about Robert Pattinson while doing the deed with my husband....is that AWFUL!?!?!?!?

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  23. Oh, you hit the nail on the head with this post! My poor little girls have said before (on a Saturday AFTERNOON when I'm still in my pj's, working on my second pot of coffee, computer in my lap)," Mommy, do we get to eat breakfast today?" I don't feed my kids because of my stupid addiction. I'm a bit better, but had a relapse in Sept/Oct. when I had my two of my 8th grade girls who were in my tutoring class read Twilight with me. We would sit in a circle on my classroom floor and take turns reading. Before too long, they were sneaking out of their other classes and interupting mine, to borrow my books. Rereading Twilight (it was actually my fifth or sixth time) sucked me right back in to the foggy headed stupor I was in from day one. So yes, I'm with you on knowing the seven deadly sins of Twilight all too well!

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  24. So sins are a bad thing? Huh. Who knew? I am so OCD it's redonkulous. I pretty much never sleep. Before Twilight (which has been over a YEAR now--time flies) I used to stay up all night making sure that if someone wanted to eat off the baseboards they could. I had an assortment of toothbrushes that fit the various crevices in my home. Now I barely have the one toothbrush for my mouth. I stay up all night reading fanfic & rebuking the laundry. I'm sure Stephenie Meyer has a legal defense fund set up to defend me when the Health Dept comes knocking, right? Right?

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  25. YES can be checked by all of the above. Thank you ladies for keeping it real and giving me reasons to laugh my ass off and annoy the hell out of my husband, also a damn overachiever, while my partner-in-Twi (AKA my sister) is out of town.

    I hope inspiration lights a fire under SM to finish Midnight Sun (my intro to Twilight). This could be the very best of them. PLEASE!!!

    p.s. Now that I am a faithful Twitarded reader I have gone full potty mouth...my NYC raised self is slipping back into the Midwestern mold I've made over the past 7 years. Fuck! Love it all.

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  26. Bwahaha ML wimpering...
    Again ladies you have hit the nail on the head!

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  27. Twilight needs more sex. I was left lacking and had to go read adult vampire novels and pretend it was Bella and Edward. Am I asking to much for Edward to rip off his clothes and snap Bell in half with his hot wet man ere vampire sword?

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  28. OME Thank God I am not the only one who has efficient-husband-guilt. Seriously does he HAVE to do all that shit while your sitting down doing nothing but surf the net all weekend? Couldn't he at least wait til I left the house so I didn't feel so bad??

    Oh that's right.... I don't leave the house anymore...

    XO Beck

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  29. JJ you read my mind! I've been having such a hard holiday season, not feeling Christmas-y at all. I have children for fucks sake, and it's my little Esme's FIRST Christmas, you'd THINK I'd be all excited. Typically I'm listening to Christmas music, planning Chirstmas eve and day meals, etc etc. This year- nothing, nada, zero, zilch. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS TWILIGHT and I know it but I won't say it out loud. The worst part is, I'm only a little bit ashamed ;-) CWIA updated this week, that's what really matters!

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  30. I'll save you a seat in hell. I already have mine reserved.

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  31. Stalk my life much??? Jeeeeez. You just described my RL (especially the gasps that happen when MoTU updates), except that I have 2 children. And yes, they are gubby and hungry....
    I haven't read the comments yet (i will) but i swear to motherfuckingbabyjesus that tonight i said these exact words to a friend (aka: the pusher): "I have never had a crush on a celebrity like this before...I can't explain it."
    Fuuuuuck my life...and someone else please. ;)

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  32. i meant my kids are are grubby...not gubby. whatever the fuck that is...gah.

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  33. Strangely similar to my life too... hmmm

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  34. I laughed out loud so hard I almost woke up my 2 year old! I can agree with about 100% of this!

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  35. Well, thank you JJ for erasing that horrible image of Gweneth's head in a box with your new 7 deadly sins analogy. Pure genius!

    I'm guilty of all 7..and I shall add one...'Bliss'

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  36. I love you guys! This is me! It is 2 am , and I woke up just to " check on Rob" and you guys make that seem ok! I am also having minor anxiety attacks because there is no filming date set for Breaking Dawn. It's like a big empty hole out there...which leads me to the other empty hole, God I must get a man, for he would be getting some Roblovin!! Too funny, and yes at this point I'm hot for the whole damn cast, except maybe Mike :)! FUUUUUUCCCK!

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  37. I'm so glad that the rest of you are leading the same smut-filled, family-neglecting, sleep-deprived, Rob-lusting, sinful life that I am. And like a greedy Twiwhore, I want more!!

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  38. Oh my dear sweet JJ--you are entering into cult territory with this declaration/revelation/whatever the fuck you want to call it...and I am right there beside you nodding my head and saying "Oh yes! That's right Sista JJ and Sista STY! Bring out the fanfic and let us read together. Bring out the good book with the hands and apple and let us reflect." OK you get the idea...I think we all worship at the feet of stubbly and (best of all) beardy, boxer brief exposing, low rise jean and beanie wearing, Heineken drinking (damn him!), cigarette smoking, Nike wearing Rob. Oh and you two, our fearless leaders, too, of course. Can our baptism liquid be VitaminR? Pretty please with RPattz on top!? It's cheap--good value.

    Fucking brilliant post JJ. I especially loved the bit about ML covering his junk--I think Mr. VitR feels this way too sometimes. I usually take that opportunity to point out how lucky he is compared to many of his peers who do not have wives that read fanfic. That shuts him up pretty quick.

    @HG--haven't we had that discussion about which side he hangs on? Yes, I think you and I have determined that without a shadow of a doubt. Teehee!

    Oh, and JJ, I did that very freaking thing this morning...cursing and looking all over for my knee highs...sifting through piles of clean and dirty laundry. Yep...things aren't what they used to be around here but I am one fucking happy Twitard so suck it!

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  39. My biggest problem is sloth - the other sins, while I do suffer from them, don't really bug me. But sloth is killing me. I try to be a good wife, and cook, and clean, but I'm really, really scared. I don't know how people who have kids do it. Seriously.

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  40. I am so there with you on this post-I live for more Rob-info. My Twi/Rob lusting friend call each other and just gush like 14 yr olds about him. I wake up and go to sleep thinking/lusting of him. If I had a man sword I am sure it would be wood each AM after dreaming/fantasing of Robward. I embrace my sins-------STY and JJ does this count as Confession?

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  41. I would be lying if I said I'd never had such a ridiculous crush on a celebrity before, because when I was 14 I had a serious thing for Ewan McGregor when he was in Star Wars (yes, I was always a nerd). You'd think ten years on I'd be a bit more mature and sensible and shit like that, but no. I may have moved on from giggling and blushing when I see a pic of Ewan (I still think he's hot, btw), but only to grunting and rubbing my thighs together when I see a pic of the Precious. I'm so fucked...

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  42. Dooood...awesome post! You hit every damn nail on the head. *sigh* Rob (and Jackson!) make it so fucking easy to sinsinsin <3

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  43. This is so fucking like my life. You are fenomenal. What would I do without you? Well, not laughing anyway, that's for sure.
    @ Anonymous who said: "Twilight needs more sex." Grrl, that's why God invented FanFic.

    Oh, BTW: found Wide Awake thanks to Twitarded. I so fucking love Dark Edward and his dirty filthy little mouth! Sweet baby J, that thing get's me goin'!

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  44. 1)You and your sister ARE cute and stop saying you're not!
    2)I <3 your post!It's so true!
    3)I 'm a sinner and...''I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.'' !!!

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  45. @ ScarletCharlotte - I too have awakened the potty mouthed beast who has been somewhat dormant since my son was born 4 years ago (don't need the little darling shouting out FUCK when he gets frustrated). But I am loving it - I missed the real me even though I still have to edit myself around the boy. My hubby has raised an eyebrow or 2 though at the words coming out of my mouth now.
    Also, @ Anonymous - YES, I totally fantasize about Rob/Edward/Jacob while doing the deed, & incredibly my hubby knows & is fine with it. I think he realizes this is the reason he gets tons of action now. He knows how to not look a gift-twat in the....um...mouth?

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  46. Perfect assessment of what it is to be a twitard!! I do have to add a bit to Sloth: putting off grad school studying and research in order to read twitarded posts, watch rpatts videos, search the web for rpatts pics, etc.. :-D

    wv: "hangleu" My my rpatts, you hangleu! tee hee ;)

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  47. OK - to clear up the confusion - JJ was writing this in a MAJOR hurry as we were getting ready to be whisked off to Twigasm HQ last night (and boy are our asses dragging today!) - she did get the description in the pic a little mixed up - we both have red hair (in varying shades). JJ wears the glasses in that pic, I am "One-Eyed-STY" - and dang you guys are observant - lol...

    : )

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  48. We're all guilty girl. But would you change a thing? I wouldn't.

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  49. Love you guys! Greatest post ever ! My life/flat/paperwork/work/cooking/laundry are gone over to total mess mode since I discovered Twilight a year ago. The Seven Twi-Sins are now my best friends, visiting every day. But my hubby can't complain about Lust, as he now gets tons and tons of action... he has no idea why, and is a bit bewildered, and I'm never going to tell him WHY things have changed. Love your blog!!

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  50. OK I'm on vacation and all i want to do is greedily troll the interwebs for Rob. Greed - check! Sloth check! check! House cleaning - what izzzzz that? All piles are made around my laptop.

    I loved the wrath. Perfection. I still have NO idea how anyone could want to be in or direct Breaking Dawn - but fuck I'll see that disaster and not look away (much) (maybe no one of any worth wants to direct BD - cause it ain't been announced and Rob looked like a generation older in New Moon-so good luck with that Scummit). I'd add to the wrath - Rob will you fucking say something I can hear - not whisper - in next twilight film. I like Weitz - alot - but that fucking-fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck scene (LOL) is the reason i want him to stay the fuckity-fuck-fuck away from BD.

    Love you sinful JJ..(Poor Houseboy ML)

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  51. Too funny. And sadly, true. When I first discovered fanfic I lied to Mr. E and told him I was sick (which is sort of true) and that's why nothing got done for a week around the house. Seriously, no one ate a home cooked meal, dishes? Eat out of the container. No laundry, Mr. E was wearing dress socks to the gym!

    So it felt so good to know I wasn't alone, and is addiction listed under greed? I actually had to get my RPattz fix this am before I could continue with house work. Sad, sad, sad.

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  52. That rulebook is on my nightstand right next to my Twilight book set. No one has seen the floor of my laundry room in a year. I bought a netbook just so I could read fanfic and not hog up the household computer. I'm pathetic. I think I have even tried to call my DH "scrufward" during our 'alone time'.

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  53. Oh dear Lord, I'm so happy I've found you. From the few posts I've read in the archive to the most recent "7 Deadly Sins"... I have fallen. Hard. Face first. Kinda bruised my forehead, but it's ok, I heal pretty quickly.

    YAY ADULT HUMOR + TWILIGHT! Thank you for becoming one of my favorite indulgences while I'm bor--busy at work!

    -Athena

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  55. I commented last night twice and fucking blogger ate my fucking post. Twice! FUCKER! Then the deleted comment above is me due to an english fail.

    Anywho, I will attempt to recreate it once again for the third fucking time.

    I'm guilty of all the above. Mr.twi-swears just nodded his head as I read your post to him. Now, lucky for this bitch Mr Twi-swears is almost Rev. Twi-swears. Sooo, this means I'm absolved of everything, except the lust...he doesn't want that to go away.

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  56. I LMAO in reading this post, but--strangely-- Twi has had the opposite effect on me. I've been a lazy POS my whole life--then I read Twilight. Bella is constantly doing chores, and it made me realize that if she has time to do the laundry and grocery shop while dealing w vampires and trying to stay alive, I can probably find time to take care of a few things while dealing with my stupid boss and equally lazy husband (our house was a sty). Now I just get no sleep 'cause I'm obsessed w trolling the blogs at all hours instead of getting some shut-eye. I haven't decided if it's a good trade or not. PJ's till 3pm sounds soooooo nice....!

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  57. Wow. Love this post, clever girls. I think the seven deadlies should become part of the Twitarded By Laws or something. The comments have also been oh so fun to read!. I wonder if allowing this obsession undue influence over RL decisions is a sin, and also if you can tell which fanfic I recently read considering I just got my first tattoo and have rediscovered the deliciousness of cupcakes. :D

    @anonymous - Best caption I ever read under a picture of RPattz (giggling at that preposition btw, thankyouverymuch STY & JJ for turning me into a hormonal adolescent)..........anyway best caption ever....."Who our husbands/boyfriends turn into when we close our eyes."

    Fkat

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  58. Yup...got all of the sins covered.....the fan fic is the worst for me though.....I so now know what it feels like to have an addiction that results in euphoric highs (squee!...an update!!)and lows (it's over, the story is over! sense of loss is profound)......and my OCD tendencies (shout out to Tattward in CW&IA) have caused me to create this elaborate tracking ss to keep up with the stories I am reading. I have seriously considered contacting FanFiction.net to advise them on how they can substantially improve the reader experience by making some changes to the site! It is insane..or am? How does one know? My New Year's resolution is to embrace my obsession and live it proudly.

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  59. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceDecember 17, 2009 at 3:08 PM

    Guilty, guilty and even more guilty, hence my name. I’ve done all said things above and even worse I keep it all my dirty, little secret. My DH has noooo idea about the fanfic. I don’t actually think he’ll divorce me if he finds out but he’ll be pissed for sure. He does know about my love for Twilight and it annoys the hell outta him. One time he had the balls to call RPatts ugly in front of me and I lost it. “You’re just jealous” I told him. SHIT!!!! My mind was yelling at me. Then he asked. “Are you thinking of him when we have sex?” “No!” I told him. So yes, I am a lying whore. What’s worse is I only feel a tiny bit guilty about it but not really.

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  60. I have to add the sin of not feeding my children a decent meal for months as I was reading and re-reading and re-reading the series!! Add to the fact that I would bite their heads off if they interrupted me while reading (I mean seriously, it's a small flame on the stove lets not be dramatic and call it a FIRE or anything. Kids have a knack for stretching the truth, right?!??).

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  61. GOD - how can you NOT think about Robward while having sex. And if any man says he doesn't think about other women during sex he's LYING!

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  62. Bahaha! yeah, pretty sure I've hit all of em, multiple times.

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  63. Wow JJ! You truly are our fearless leader (along with STY of course). I'm SO guilty of all seven, and I'm not apologetic very often, if at all.

    My first stop to all things Twilight - every day - is Twitarded. No shit. I'm a Twitarded Twatwaffle through and through. I know I'm among my peeps here. My daughter sees me laughing while on my laptop and asks, "Are you on Twitarded again?" I reply with pride, "Yes, and I LOVE these chicks!"

    Laundry - I fucking HATE folding! Why?! I don't mind the washing, just the folding. We have a pile of clean clothes. How fucked up is that? Ugh.

    And I've trained Mr. SV to wash his own work clothes. He actually doesn't mind. He's an overachiever too. Ass. He makes me look bad.

    LOVE the comments too ladies! Twitards unite! We really must make Twitarded Con 2010 happen.

    @Charla - I LOVE your addiction comparison! That's f'n funny and SO true! I embrace my Twilight addiction wholeheartedly.

    "Hello, my name is SV and I am a Twilight addict. And fucking PROUD dammit!"

    @HonoluluGirl - Hell yeah - Damon Salvatore! Yummy!

    @Sabrina - I too have been letting a quite a few more *ehem* colorful words back into my censored vocabulary. I've been caging the swear-beast for over eleven years now - it's FUCKING time to let it go! Well - maybe not ALL the way. But he's rearing his ugly head quite often now.

    And HOLY SHIT "gift twat" - YES! I will use that now. It's a beautiful summation of what fanfic can do for the men in our lives.

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  64. PS - JJ, it's not bad that you had to Google the sins. I can NEVER remember them. I'm not Catholic, but for some reason I feel like I should know them. Maybe it's because I am so familiar with them and delve into the sinful stuff so often. Hmm - I'm gonna need A LOT of forgiveness to redeem myself now.

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  65. I have to say that in the morning when I'm making my 4 year old son his waffles, all I can think of is the word 'twatwaffle'. You've ruined me I tell ya! THANK YOU!

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  66. Ok...it seems as if I'm missing out on something here. What is fan fic? Please don't gasp!! By all of your posts, it seems awesome...someone help me out!

    I seriously love all of these comments...amazing! My husband is very attractive, really he is!! But all I can think about if fucking Rob when we're doing the deed!!! Literally, I imagine his face and well...I don't need to get too detailed, I'm sure you have your own imaginations..but I'll tell ya....it's one hell of an orgasm! Hmmmm...maybe tonight I'll imagine Rob again! My husband has been getting it a lot too lately! Guess it works out for both of us! HAHHA!

    SO- tell me, what is fan fic!?!!??

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  67. ROFLMFAO!!! Indeed! All round. Especially about the entire removal of pants over RPatz pics(I knew that was - er - coming! ;D) Oh, & about his stubble ... (*SIGH*) .... & definitely about the Twi-smut. Urgh, I am TOTALLY the same! I used 2 hav a slight life b4 Rob & Twilight came along, damn it. Don't worry 2 much about the state of ur house - if a missile hit my bedroom right now it would look neater!

    OMG the 2nd time I saw New Moon there were mre teenage girls there & the moment Alice's vision happened they all cracked up. There was just a ripple of silly giggling. That was badly done (I didn't mind it 1st time round - cos Mrs P prepared me) but THIS time, with friends & all those girls, it really did make me cringe slightly. I mean, @ the beginning of it, I swear they had lifted the bird song frm Snow White & the Seven Dwarves! I didn't mind wot Rob was wearing 2 much - mainly cos wot KStew had on was beYOND awful! They could've @ least TRIED 2 sex her up a little, not make her look like a Disney heroine reject! Wot's with the ribbon on her hair?! Grrrr. Thank God it was kinda a short vision - oh, & shouldn't her eyes hav been red, if it's the vision frm the day she's changed? But if it's frm a few yrs in the future of her transformation which explains the gold, then they really should've dressed her in something better than that! Can't go wrong with black! (That dress frm the Harpers shoot with her leaning against the pillar with Rob - GRRRR! - would've looked so much better!) & WHY were they so obsessed with havin Rob in Edwardian suits? Just cos that's the era Edward was born in! He wouldn't wear that in the 21st century cos he'd b wanting 2 fit in. That did annoy me. I REALLY hope they get better costume designers 4 Eclipse!!

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  68. @Anonymous - Fan Fiction. It's fan written stories using Stephenie Meyer's characters in different situations. It's fabulous! You gotta give it a shot. Right now I'm reading JJ's "15 Step" and "Clipped Wings & Inked Armor" by hunterhunting. I've also heard "Wide Awake" is a good starter.

    Good luck with your foray into the fanfic world! I know many a husband and significant others are SO happy it exists. It contains all the things we didn't get to read in the actual saga.

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  69. DAAAAMN how could I forget??! LOVED the 7 deadly sins an all! I am so lust, envy, sloth ... errr mayb all of them!

    @ Jenn D - Ohh I SO agree over Jackson 2, especially with the Rob/Jack sammie! Let's go!! (I'm dribbling already). x

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  70. Alright- got to fan fic...but need to know how to navigate..there are over 3,000 stories! I'm interested in reading the sexy stories....eg.-edward and bella finally f-ing each other with wild abandon!! How do you know which ones to read?

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  71. Are you on Twilighted? If so, you can search by rating. Choose search, NC-17 & Breaking Dawn & it will take you to 'The Honeymoon', which is my favorite so far. Very good stuff.

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  72. @Anonymous - There are a ton of ladies that would love to help you out. The one thing I can suggest is to go here - http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2102303/Jenny_Jerkface - it's my fanfic and it lists a bunch of stories that I'm fucking loving. Not sure what your style is.

    To the rest of you - as usual, I was slogging away having a shitty day at work and snuck on here to read some of your comments and then had to choke back the insane giggling fits they gave me.

    I am slutty for all of you. Mwah!

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  73. @RobsFire: I'm ready for a tag team, Sista! Let's get it on!

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  74. Oh the 7 deadly sins! I havn't laughed so much in years. You rekon your vain, check out my blogging name! (you two are totally gorgeous by the way).Envy; her tit's are in his throat in that photo. LUST;shit where to start. Wrath; Breaking. Fucking. Dawn. Nuff said. Ï'm too scared to get into too much fanfic coz I know what will happen to my life. I've only allowed myself to read 3 and I get so pissed off afterwards coz they are not the real thing. Seeya all in hell girls coz there's no help for this condition.I have to add Eric Northman to the lust list too...
    W/V sions yes the 7 deadly sions!

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  75. Oh the 7 deadly sins! I havn't laughed so much in years. You rekon your vain, check out my blogging name! (you two are totally gorgeous by the way).Envy; her tit's are in his throat in that photo. LUST;shit where to start. Wrath; Breaking. Fucking. Dawn. Nuff said. Ï'm too scared to get into too much fanfic coz I know what will happen to my life. I've only allowed myself to read 3 and I get so pissed off afterwards coz they are not the real thing. Seeya all in hell girls coz there's no help for this condition.I have to add Eric Northman to the lust list too...
    W/V sions yes the 7 deadly sions!

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  76. Hmmm...this post made me relize that I may need to step back and take a better look at myself and re-evaluate some things...(looks vainly in mirror)...well, that was fun..off to more fan fic!!

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  77. @jenny jerkface--thank you so much for your help! I just read part of 15 steps (I think that's the name) did you write that? INCREDIBLE! I love how naughty bella is and how demanding edward is...yes! i will definitely be reading more. HOT!!

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  78. @Anonymous~ as far as fanfic goes, i would recommend starting with "Let your light shine" followed by "A life extraordinary" by Lolashoes. They are good for a FF *ahem* cherry popper as they are complete, are cannon pairings and the smut is delicious! However the author has pulled them for reediting until after the 1st of the year. I highly recommend creating a FF account and putting Lolashoes on author alert and those stories on alert as well. You won't regret it! :) Hope this helps...

    E

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  79. Dunno wot happened that my dribble posted twice I'll blame my lame ass computer...sorry

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  80. Hands down - this is one of my favorite posts...ever! Love it & love your blog!

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  81. OMG are you writing about me?! Seriously...*looks around* I totally thought you were writing about me! When you said how your house used to be clean and the bills used to be paid...I can SO relate...I used to balance my check book to THE PENNY before I started blogging, now, there are receipts flowing out of my purse from my millions of debit card purchases I don't even remember anymore...it is scary. And don't get me started on my house...I actually saw cob webs in all the corners of my living room ceiling the other day...and I was too busy blogging to even clean them up, yeah...my life has COMPLETELY been taken over by rob & twilight...it is kind of sad when I think about it sometimes...but then I remember I DON't CARE!
    HA!

    But seriously...i totally identify! GREAT post!

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  82. Fuckin hilarious ladies!!!!!!!!!! Most of my "favorites" on my computer are Twilight or food related. Now time to catch up on fan fiction :)

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  83. So, you described my RL perfectly, Thank you for showing me that I am not the only sinful one. I mean, I don`t let my family starve and I do the laundry (not ironig any more) but my flat is a mess and I don`t even mind if spiders are webbig around (though I am a bit arachnophobic). Today I had to rip me away from my computer to do my Christmas-shopping at least. Normally I would have decorated my home, done handicrafts, made shopping lists,...This year: nada, I`m not in Christmas-mood at all and I´m really angry that I will have less time to feed my twimania.
    Sorry for being late to comment but I´ve been lost in FF and this is the place where I will go back now. See you in Twi- hell.

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  84. I should be wrapping Christmas presents and I think my son just woke up from his nap. And yet, I'm typing this.
    Love the comments and I have to say I was sooooooo pissed at Mr. E when he shaved! I told him to hurry up and grow his scruff back out. It's easier to pretend that way;)

    And as far as fanfic goes, I have only allowed my self to read the completed stories now because I think I am in the middle of 5 unfinished stories and the waiting is causing true heartfail!

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  85. OK. I haven't read all of the comments, and I am obviously way behind on reading posts in general but I had to chime in on this one. Ladies, here is my question: WHAT the FUCK do we do about it? This obsession? We cannot really go through the rest of our lives....kids, kids going to preschool, kids graduating high school, kids getting married, etc....obsessing over Rob. Wishing we knew where he was. Dying for a picture - but not one that's too privacy-robbing. Wishing we were in his world. Somehow. His dry cleaner-lady. Oh, scratch that. Well, his CLEANING lady. Oops. Not that, either. Oh, shit...what about his Coke supplier? ANY-fucking-thing. Hell, I'd even take MOTHER at this point! But that's not going to happen, is it? How do we get out of this altered-wanna-be-reality? I. Don't. Think. I. Can. Take. It. ::snivel::

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  86. @Jenn D - Right u are babes! I'll bring my big net. (& lots of chains, whips & ropes!!) xxx

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  87. @Gwen - I know hon! It is a bit miserable not knowing where he is, wot he's doing (wearing) & hopefully who he's NOT doing! I don't wanna think about it, I can't! All I can do is hope (pray!) that when I'm in the city I'll bump into him one day & will (force) him 2 look at me & (make) believe he wants me ... I. soddin. wish. (*SIGH*) Till we can make him ours, we're just gonna havta hang in there together hon. :D xxx

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  88. So I've been a bad twitarded fan and have not been keeping up (but don't worry, I will catch up and I mean ALLLLLLL of the posts). In my defense, I read Wide Awake, The Office, The Dominant, The Submissive and am currently on CWAIA. Gahh, the list is never ending. I have SO MUCH to do.

    On that note, I totally read fanfiction at work. However, I have to get creative because they semi-monitor our internet usage. I either read it on my phone or copy and paste each chapter into Word so it totally looks like I'm working on a report. I hope they don't catch on ...

    But I completely identify with this post, as with all of them, but this one especially. I AM A FUCKING LAZY ASS WASTE OF A HUMAN NOW. I don't get it. I have never been late in paying any bill. EVER. I'm like a bill nazi, because that's what being an adult is after all - being responsible? Well my water bill and credit card bills (the only ones not on autopay) have been late almost every single month since August. And I completely blame twilight.

    More evidence:
    Grocery shopping? Yup, haven't gone grocery shopping in ..... fuck, I can't even remember. Papa Johns has been keeping me alive so far.

    You mentioned laundry. Yes, I can identify with this. I didn't do laundry until December 22 and it had been since August. Four months. And this picture was taken in October. Imagine that mess doubled. Ugh. I might need help.

    But at least I'm happy. <3

    Love you girlies!

    word veri: fornate. Wayyyyy to close to fornicate, which makes me think baaaaaad things. >>> Off to fanfiction.net

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  89. Love you guys! Greatest post ever ! My life/flat/paperwork/work/cooking/laundry are gone over to total mess mode since I discovered Twilight a year ago. The Seven Twi-Sins are now my best friends, visiting every day. But my hubby can't complain about Lust, as he now gets tons and tons of action... he has no idea why, and is a bit bewildered, and I'm never going to tell him WHY things have changed. Love your blog!!

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  90. Oh my dear sweet JJ--you are entering into cult territory with this declaration/revelation/whatever the fuck you want to call it...and I am right there beside you nodding my head and saying "Oh yes! That's right Sista JJ and Sista STY! Bring out the fanfic and let us read together. Bring out the good book with the hands and apple and let us reflect." OK you get the idea...I think we all worship at the feet of stubbly and (best of all) beardy, boxer brief exposing, low rise jean and beanie wearing, Heineken drinking (damn him!), cigarette smoking, Nike wearing Rob. Oh and you two, our fearless leaders, too, of course. Can our baptism liquid be VitaminR? Pretty please with RPattz on top!? It's cheap--good value.

    Fucking brilliant post JJ. I especially loved the bit about ML covering his junk--I think Mr. VitR feels this way too sometimes. I usually take that opportunity to point out how lucky he is compared to many of his peers who do not have wives that read fanfic. That shuts him up pretty quick.

    @HG--haven't we had that discussion about which side he hangs on? Yes, I think you and I have determined that without a shadow of a doubt. Teehee!

    Oh, and JJ, I did that very freaking thing this morning...cursing and looking all over for my knee highs...sifting through piles of clean and dirty laundry. Yep...things aren't what they used to be around here but I am one fucking happy Twitard so suck it!

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  91. I'll save you a seat in hell. I already have mine reserved.

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  92. You just described my life perfectly. I too have been known to read fanfic in the bathroom at work (thank you Jesusphone) and my housework has dwindled quite a bit. I think the only reason the hubs puts up with it is because of the extra action he gets these days!

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