Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Some Sins are Unforgivable...

Due to circumstances beyond her control (and which Jenny Jerkface is well aware of), Snarkier Than You is now accepting applications for a new BFF. Qualified candidates should be fiercely loyal, have a wicked sense of humor, and [this is the most important part, so PAY ATTENTION] be available the weekend of March 21st. Twilight fanaticism a plus, but would be willing to indoctrinate the right person between now and then. Ownership of a large flatscreen TV is also desirable, but since I have keys to JJ's house and she'll be away that weekend, I'm certain that she wouldn't mind if we co-opted hers. No teens/tweens; ideally looking for a "Twilight Mom" type, sans kids. Non-drinkers/straight-edge and religious zealots need not apply.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Have Committed a Grievous Twilight Sin...

And will be out of town on March 21, 2009 - the much anticipated DVD release date. I can still hear Snarkier wailing and shaking her fists to the heavens. Sadly, I will be highly intoxicated somewhere in Austin, TX at the SXSW Festival when the DVD comes out.

I asked Snarkier to wait until that Sunday or Monday to watch it. She muttered something under her breath about having the keys to my house and boiling my ferret in a pot of water.

On the upside, I'm bringing my Edward doll with me (screw you, ironic judgmental hipsters - the doll is COMING WITH ME) and I hope to get some good pictures of him in various stages of debauchery.

Side note - I just reread the previous paragraph and, frankly, it kind of creeped me out. I'm too lazy to change it though.

Until then, I'll have to hope Snarkier forgives me my trespasses and enjoys really retarded Twilight parodies.

I don't know why but this one had me in tears.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Twilight Perfume: One Part Urine, Two Parts Bile

So it's kind of a slow day at the office and Jenny Jerkface all but double-dared me to go to Hot Topic so that I could take pictures of my Edward action figure (much more on him to follow in future posts, like it or not...) with Twilight merchandise. Ideally without getting arrested for shoplifting, or maybe I'd just done something that pissed JJ off recently? I'm not sure... Anyway, I took advantage of the fact that the store was nearly empty save for a somewhat buxom and heavily pierced teenage salesgirl (who was very pleasant, btw) to get my hands on the Twilight perfume. It was, unfortunately, locked in what appeared to be a bulletproof glass case, or maybe that's just what's required to keep a fifty dollar item from disappearing into the pockets of nefarious teens who really really want to attract their own personal Edward but don't want (or don't have the means to) cough up the dough. Clearly, some of them may resort to desperate measures. Well, I can tell you definitively that nothing could possibly be attracted to this perfume. Use it as a repellent of some sort, maybe. It's that bad. Vile, in fact. I accidentally got some of that shit on me while I was giving it a whiff and my eyes are still watering.

This should have been the most simple perfume EVER to formulate - the Twilight books go into great detail about how mouthwateringly delicious everyone smells. You'd think maybe Stephenie Meyer has some sort of an odor fetish or something. But is should have smelled like lavender and freesia. Period. Last time I checked, both are actual plants, each with a distinct fragrance. It's not like the scent was something ambiguous - we're not talking "ocean" or "woods" or any other less definable odor that might fall victim to subjectivity.

I was hopeful. Truly. There were mixed reviews online; some people said it smelled good, some said it was awful. Someone opined that it smelled like soap. I like soap! So I was expecting a subtle, clean smell. And while on some level I was also hoping that it would smell like death so that I wouldn't want to buy it and be forced to confess to wearing Twilight perfume should someone ask me, I really wanted to like it. I should admit that I despise most fragrance and have told JJ (and almost everyone else I know) on numerous occasions to get away from me when she has over-spritzed. But I adore lavender. Stuff that smells like the actual plant. My neighbor had lavender growing in her garden last summer, and despite the fact that it scratched the piss out of my car every time I went in or out of my driveway, I didn't say anything because it smelled so damn good. I am willing to bet the farm that whatever was used to make this awful concoction is not even vaguely related to anything organic. More like they just found an old vat of Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" perfume in a storage unit somewhere and repackaged it in a rip-off reproduction of a Nina Ricci bottle - "Nina" by Nina Ricci bottle is on the right, Twilight perfume on the left (image courtesy of Now Smell This).

My suggestion?? If you're also dying to smell as divine as your favorite Forks residents, try THIS instead - maybe they got it right! I haven't smelled their products and I'm not affiliated in any way other than mutual Twitardation, but their products have GOT to smell better than the "official" fragrance. A little Eau de Edward, anyone? Hmmm... Maybe just a little dab here on my neck...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Twilight Soundtrack

This is my critique of the Twilight Soundtrack, which hit #1 on the Billboard charts before the movie even came out. Admittedly, I'm a bit of a music snob but I have to say that some of these songs are quite catchy. Ok, I'll be honest - I'm completely biased when it comes to music and can be pretty unforgiving. Feel free to leave a comment telling me what a stuck up bitch I am.

Muse - Supermassive Black Hole: This song was stuck in my head from watching the utterly cheesy but still gooey-good 'baseball' scene over and over again. It's a catchy song. However, Snarkier pointed out that it sounds like they are saying 'supermassive whack-a-mole' instead of 'supermassive black hole' and now I laugh every time I hear that part of the song.

Oh, and this is apparently the only good song Muse has ever done. I checked.

Paramore (Decode, I Caught Myself): Let's get something straight about this band, shall we? Paramore is labeled 'pop-punk'. They are not and it's an insult to punk rock in general even to group them in this category. Pop punk does not exist. It's either pop or it's punk. You can't have both. Crass was a punk band. Born Against was a punk band. Paramore is definitely not a punk band. And while we're on the subject, neither is Avril Lavigne.

I suppose if I was a teenager with poor taste in music I would LOVE this band. They aren't exactly bad - they just sound like every other poppy-rock band with a chick singer out there.

The Black Ghosts (Full Moon)- I actually really liked this song. It's a melodic electro-pop that has a hint of melancholy. This song kind of reminds me of Simon & Garfunkel's Scarborough Fair but, obviously, more electric than folk. I definitely plan on checking these guys out in more depth.

Linkin Park (Leave Out All the Rest)- Not only does this band blow donkey testicles, the lyrics of this song irritated the crap out of me. It's basically some guy who is a huge asshole asking someone else to make up fake happy memories about him and to forget what a dick he is. What a cop out. In fact, I despise this band so much I refuse to link to their website.

Mute Math (Spotlight) - This song is okay. It's catchy and poppy. The first time I heard this song I thought 'lame' but I have to admit, it's grown on me.

Perry Farrell (Go all the Way) - This is, unfortunately, no Jane's Addiction. The female singer's voice can be pretty grating at times but she oozes sexiness... it's Perry Farrell wife, after all. You have to pretty hot to tap that guy.

Yup, this song definitely is s-e-x-y! Yowser! And then there is this...

Rob Pattinson - Is this song gonna do something? Let's put it this way, if RPatt was strumming this song on a subway platform I might give him a quarter. But probably not.

Rob - Listen, you did an acceptable job as Edward. And you're good looking, even though I feel kind of dirty admitting that since I'm, oh, ten years older than you, give or take a few years. But with age comes wisdom and I'd like to impart some on you - focus on one career or the other because you're not good enough at acting or singing to do both.

Collective Soul (Tremble for My Beloved) -I know Collective Soul is a pretty big band but I fail to see why. Don't get me wrong, they seem like a pretty tight fivesome(?) but the music is just... bleh. It sounds like over-the-top big rock-bandness to me.

Blue Foundation (Eyes on Fire) - Either this soundtrack is sucking the indie snob out of me or this band is actually pretty decent.

Iron & Wine (Flightless Bird, American Mouth) - I love Iron & Wine. Have you seen this guy? He looks like fucking Jesus. Woman King is probably one of my favorite albums (Well, it's an EP) to listen to. My brother's wedding song was Iron & Wine, for fuck's sake.

Anyhoo, rumor has it that Kristen Stewart requested this song, which is probably her greatest contribution to this movie. It makes up for two hours of twitching and bad acting. Well done, Kristen!

I have nothing nice to say about Bella's Lullaby so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

Ironically, the one song that was actually played in it's entirely (or mostly, at the very least) was 15 Steps by Radiohead, which is an amazing song. And it's not on the fecking soundtrack. What gives? Maybe Radiohead realized at the last minute that being on an album with Linkin Park would damamge their credibility as muscians...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Twitard With a Vengence!

Hello, my name is Snarkier Than You, and I am a Twilight addict. As is the case with many an addiction, it all started innocently enough... Unless you are a complete recluse living off the grid in a vowel state somewhere, it would have been impossible to be unaware of the frenzy surrounding the movie adaptation of the book. I'll admit that I am a johnny-come-lately to this whole scene, but when I read a huge magazine feature on the film and the fans, I was intrigued. After doing a bit of trolling on the internet and discovering holy crap there are a gazillion teenage girls out there going absolutely ape-shit over this, I'll admit my curiosity was piqued. And then along came the catalyst: Jenny Jerkface emailed me to ask if I was aware of all the brouhaha. And I admitted to being maybe a tad interested and perhaps in slight danger of getting sucked in. She bought the first book, ostensibly for the purpose of figuring out how she could dumb things down enough in her own writing to pen something that would also sell 10 million copies, and because it's no fun to obsess alone, she insisted I read it, too (enabler!!).

In less than a week, I had devoured every last hokey, stereotypical word in those books. All 2,379 pages of them. I didn't read anything else, I left phone calls and emails unanswered, I was barely functional at work (if you call reading "Midnight Sun" online functional, then I was plenty functional), contemplated the potential merits and pitfalls of reading while driving, and essentially ignored anything non-Twilight-related.

I was absolutely mortified by how much I enjoyed the entire series (even the second time...). Finding out I was in good company and that there were a million other people out there with the same dirty little secret was heartening, though. Even the dude who wrote "Freakonomics" was unable to resist and made the astute observation that the series is the literary equivalent of a candy bar--and we're not talking fine Swiss chocolate here. Sometimes you don't want 80% organic cacao with crystallized ginger and saffron essence. Sometimes you just want a Twix.

To help quantify the insanity and for the sake of full disclosure, I am 40. Not house-frau/bedroom-community-living/minivan-driving/breeder-type 40, but still 4-0. I have a fantastic husband who has done an admirable job of humoring me during this difficult time and keeping his sideways glances to a minimum, and I am ok with the fact that the odds are against his being able to make me an immortal. But I haven't had such giddy, age-inappropriate, Tiger-Beat-worthy/crush-like feeling since "My So-Called Life" first aired and Jordan Catalano brooded his bad-boy way into my heart (and I was reminded how cool high school should have been but wasn't). It may not be possible for me to cover my locker with Twilight-related detritus, but I'm actively channeling my inner hormone-addled teen and riding this high for as long as it lasts (how long does it take to make three movies? a few years? about that long, then).
[Countdown widget courtesy of the nice folks at His Golden Eyes.]

Does all of this make me certifiably nuts? Absolutely! But it's been relatively harmless (I am ok with the resulting quantum leap I took on the dorkometer as well as the ensuing loss of an IQ point or two) and endlessly entertaining. Jenny and I are all but peeing ourselves every time we're being completely ridiculous and watching bad fan-made youtube clips and spoofs. So WHAT if her coworkers think she is insane because she is laughing herself to near asphyxiation on a daily basis? YOU try watching "Dimlight" in silence - it's just not possible. Or when we're trying to muffle our hysterics during scenes of the movie that are supposed to be serious (yes, that strange choking noise you heard throughout the "sparkle" scene was probably us...), donning "Team Edward" wristbands that we will never wear outside of our own company, or pondering the question of exactly how vile the Twilight-inspired perfume is likely to smell (and whether we're eventually going to shell out $48 to find out). I would be absolutely appalled by the legions of women going berserk over Twilight were it not for the fact that I am - unequivocally and without apology - one of them. Maybe someday I will seek professional help for this problem (and maybe--ahem--a few others), admit that I have lost control, turn myself over to a higher power, yadda-yadda-yadda, but for now? TWILIGHTTWILIGHTTWILIGHTSCREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

That's Right - I Love Twilight so Suck It!

Yup, you've got it - I'm a Twilight addict. And proud of it, in an embarrassed sort of way.

I've decided it's time to embrace my inner dorkdom and stop skulking around youtube, where I furtively watch the 'Baseball Scene' over and over again, and admit my Twilight addiction.

Never in a million years did I think I would find myself fibbing to my boyfriend about seeing a movie. For the third time. Within two weeks of devouring the books I had become one of 'them' ('them' being a 30+ year old female who is in love Twilight, that is).

I read atheist debate books for fun, for crying out loud! I like Greek tragedies and have read Atlas Shrugged more times than I can remember. I've gotten into deep philosophical discussions at parties, for fuck sake. All the other books on my shelves are gathering dust as I hole myself up in the computer room, reading Midnight Sun with an almost religious zeal.

The only time I read brain porn like this is to figure out why it becomes best sellers. I really never meant to fall in love.

Honestly, I really was expecting the book to blow monkey nuts. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the first book, fully intending to mock the shit out of it. Instead, I spent the rest of the evening gorging myself on every last glittery Edward morsel. The next day, I forked over a ridiculous amount of cash for the next three (have you ever lugged a 500 page hard cover book back and forth on a train? I needed a chiropractor afterwards). Less than a week later I began reading Twilight... for the second time.

The addiction had taken over.

Naturally, I didn't want to be drowning in sappy-tween-fantasy-romance novels alone so I encouraged Snarkier Than You to give it a go. I'm pretty sure she looked at me like I was an idiot but read the book anyway. The next day she asked for book two, then went out and got the whole series for herself. You see where this is going... (Pssst - if you don't get it, go check out the other author on this blog. Get it now? Good.)

The next thing I know Snarkier and I had abandoned our usual email content for pure unadulterated Twilight. We knew it was ridiculous and we hid our obsession from loved ones, choosing instead to sneak off to the movie theater to watch the movie (which was hideous) not once, but three times.

So, there you have it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch New Moon trailers...