Thursday, April 30, 2009

Never Double Dog Dare a Dirty Minded Twitard

Clearly, we have smut on the brain. I'm not sure how it happened (ok, yes I am) but now all I can think about it Twismut. The seal has been broken. And it's all your fault.

ML emailed me earlier today and asked me to pick up some of his special man shampoo (WHY does everything sound dirty to me?!). There is a Ricky's near my office which sells some of the fancier types of toiletries (we are both toiletry snobs, just for the record. You wouldn't know it if you saw us, but we are). So, naturally, I send an email to STY to see if she needs anything (because STY is a total product whore). And then a thought occurs to me. I shoot off another email to STY:

Me: Ricky's has a 'grown up' section, ya' know. Bet I could get a picture of Edward...
STY: Dare ya'!
Me: I dunno... Have to see if there are any pervies lurking.
STY: Double dog dare ya'...
Me: You're on, bitch!

I shove Edward and my cell phone in my pocket and march on over to Ricky's. I have to say, one of the reasons I love working in NYC so much is that I can buy makeup, hair spray and a dildo all in one place. If I wanted to, I mean. Oh, and they also sell the cutest rain boots! Um, ok, that combination of items seems a little creepy in hindsight, but whatever...

Thankfully, the adult section is way in the back, so I skulk my way over there and furtively shoot a glance in... Lookin' good - the coast is clear, not a perv in sight! I step through the beaded curtain (which is like stepping onto the set of a seventies porno. or maybe a Brady Bunch episode) and look frantically around for the best shot photo opp. Condoms? No. Sexy maid outfit? Nah. Some sort of... holy shit what IS that? Definitely not. I peek back out through the curtains to make sure no employees are watching me and wondering what I am up to (if i was them I would have totally thrown me out by now, action figure and all) and then I zero in on the the wall of penises. It's dick city in there - perfect! I pull out my cell phone, get Edward all positioned...

...and someone walks through the curtain. I almost shit my pants. Of course, I do the most natural thing ever when someone startles you in the adult section of a store while you're clutching an action figure: I start laughing maniacally. I know for sure that I had my wide-eyed crazy face on. She gives me an odd look, figuring I'm embarrassed because I'm standing in front of a gigantic vibrator and then I give her an odd look, because she's obviously an orthodox Jew. Not judging or anything, but the last thing I expected to see in the back-room sex shop of Ricky's was a very religious person. Hey, more power to her.

She lingers. I sweat. There is no way in hell I'm leaving without a picture. Finally, finally, she leaves. I waited her out - and I won! I whip Edward out again (ha ha!) and quickly snap the picture. As I exit the adult section, an employee wheels around the corner. I smile.

"Where do you keep the Matrix Men products?" I ask sweetly. She points down an aisle.


P.S. - Pillow Biter... it's still on. :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

We Heart Adult Twilight FanFic (Just Like You!)

Well, I've officially banned Mommy (not a)Jerkface from the blog for the rest of the week her life... I was going to put a wee little warning in here again but fuck it. Read at your own risk and remember: Edward knows your thoughts (you dirty birds!). If you're reading this you probably know what you've gotten yourself into at this point (and as one or two of you have been kind enough to point out, we're mostly keeping things pretty PG-13-ish. OK, maybe not "love custard). Alright, a low-level "R" for profanity and sexual references. That being said...

Um, all I can say is the past two days have been very stimulating for STY and me (in more ways than one!). Not only did we get a gazillion hits and some seriously hysterical comments, but we also got to read some awesome fan fiction (get your motors runnin'...). And we have been absolutely floored by your responses. The first thing I did this morning when I got into the office was check our stats. I shrieked 'HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!' (to which my boss yelled back, 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE?!). All I'm saying is it's a good thing swearing isn't uncommon in my office and the nice folks over in IT are used to the fact that I spray coffee at my computer monitor and keyboard on a regular basis (I am pretty sure they think I have some sort of a medical condition at this point...).

From Etsy.
We also learned something about all of you, my lovely Twi friends. Being that this is a Twilight blog we figured we'd have to keep the naughtiness to a minimum because - let's face it - the series is pretty tame. As in I'm-kinda-virginal-wait-'til-you're-married-to-poke-her-with-your-vampsicle kinda tame. Therefore, we had no idea you guys would turn out to be total sluts. I mean that in the good way, of course. Really. If we had known about all of you sooner, we would have titled this blog TwiSlutty (I figured 'I Want to Bang Robward, Jacksper AND Kemmett' was a little long), not Twitarded, because it's clear that we all have a lot more in common than just being ga-ga overTwilight. I think it's pretty obvious now that STY and I have minds that are generally hovering (ok, ok, completely submerged) in the gutter 24/7. It's equally obvious that we're clearly in excellent company. Hell, even Top Twilight Blogs agrees with us - we're now #69! Boo-yah!

Last night, after I was finished squealing with glee at some of the comments you folks left (dirty, dirty, the whole lot of ya!), STY and I began to chat and eureka! we came up with a fucking fantastic, orgasmic idea.

We're going to call it "TwiSlut Day" (um, or something like that... we have almost a month to think about it), and someday you can tell your grandkids the story of how you helped create it! Once a month, STY and I are going to compile some of the raciest fan fiction we can get our saucy little paws on. It will be a free-for-all smutfest here at Twitarded. Have a topic? A link you want to share? Something you wrote that you think will make our toes curl? Well don't just sit there! Email us and maybe we'll post it, along with our two cents, natch.

Also, STY has been threatening prodding me to give erotic writing a shot as well. You see, I fancy myself a bit of a writer--you know, for shits and giggles. Plus it sounds cooler than my 'real' job. If you've been paying attention or killed a night reading our archives, you would know that this is what got us into this whole Twilight mess to begin with... Anyway, STY was kind enough to give buy (payment pending...) me a book called 'Write Some Porn, You Jezebel!' (it might as well be called that because the author ends the forward with 'clits up!'), so we were thinking this might be a good time to try our hand at writing our own juicy (ahem) stories.

We haven't quite decided exactly when the next TwiSlut day will be, but we figure once a month sounds good. Poor STY almost had a nervous breakdown last night due to the pressure to get the goods to everyone, and it will take her some time to recover. We'll try to do it every third Thursday or something. Hopefully we can keep this going before ML and DH discover our mass collections of naughtiness on our computers. Cuz' if that happens, you might not be hearing from us for awhile... we might be busy doin' other stuff.

We are hoping this will satisfy our urges for smut. And yours, too! Plus, we figure this actually counts as some sort of quasi-philanthropic contribution to society on our part, as more than a few of you commented on how this was benefiting not just you, but your whole family (and family-in-the-making). We're really just a bunch of humanitarians over here at Twitarded! You can thank us later. Or name the little tyke born nine months from now after us. Either one will do.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ask and You Shall Receive: Racy Twilight FanFic!

I'm waiting for you in the meadow... Won't you join me???

Note: if you are not as comfortable as everyone else seems to be with the fact that Twitarded's sensibilities are currently planted firmly in the gutter, read no further and whatever you do, don't follow any of these links. Really. We [heart] you, too, but come back tomorrow (we mean it this time). And, er, Mommy (not a)Jerkface, we need another day. Sorry. Oh - and btw, your daughter is corrupting me. Just sayin'. Did you have any idea your kid was such a slut?

OK, OK - I hope that everyone isn't going to be disappointed by any of this! Some of you have probably already happened across some of the links I'm posting, so if you know of anything particularly juicy that I haven't included, let us know about it! And everyone else here, too, for that matter, since we all seem to be dying for some M-rated Twiporn. Tworn? Twirotica???

Anyhoo - these tend to be incomplete - as in, they cover certain "missing" parts of the honeymoon or whatnot, but they are not complete stories (so don't get mad at me when they end - lol). Then again, it will keep you from having to dig through each one to get to the good stuff.

THIS is a version of "Isle Esme" that is probably the most well-known... [Bella's pov]

THIS one - also called "Isle Esme" is a little longer, and a little juicer imho... (It has two parts, too - don't miss the second one!) [Edward's pov]

Go away - can't you see we're busy?!
Image from here.

THIS one is called "The Cottage" - there are several similar variations out there (at least). [Edward's pov]

THIS one is called "The Submissive" - as you can guess from the title, it might not be everyone's cup of tea. But if you're into that kinda thing (and I've read your comments and I have a feeling you just might be...), it has 37 chapters and oodles of juicy graphic details. It does not stick with the basic Twilight story the way Isle Esme does, which is usually a bit of a deal-breaker for me, but somehow it still works. Did I mention is has 37 chapters?! Think "Story of O" meets "Twilight" minus the vampire stuff. I realize that's a lot to wrap your head around, but trust me... [Bella's pov]

THIS one is ok - also not all that Twilight-esque but kind of interesting...

And if I can get something out there that's not TwiPorno but is rather rather just really fucking funny, please go and read THIS - I came across this when I was over at TwiCrack Addict one day and clicked on a link to the manuscript. Unfortunately, the manuscript had been removed (stupid copyright laws!) - but this was hysterical (and not rated M or XXX) - if you are mad because my TwiPorn didn't pan out for you, read this before coming after me, ok???

I may have not looked before I leaped earlier when I chimed into JJ's comments, but I promise to come up with new recommendations in the future! I have to admit, I'm still a newbie when it comes to fanfic (mostly because I don't think I have room for it in my day given my current level of Twilight obsession, but I can say, having read nearly every form of erotica that I can get my dirty little paws on--from The Pearl to Carrie's Story to X--that I love me some racy fanfic...

There was another person I came across who basically was picking up where Breaking Dawn leaves off (and I thought doing a pretty good job of it) but I can't find it for the life of me... I will keep looking... Stay tuned!

P.S. Added bonus section: "things that didn't make it into JJ's Breaking Dawn post":
  • spooge (this is why you got "love custard," folks - you're welcome...)
  • The Purple-Headed Warrior
  • fuck juice
  • cum dumpster [note from JJ: what?! What's wrong with that?!]
Good night, ladies fellow TwiSluts! I have a feeling everyone will have pleasant dreams...

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Controversy in Breaking Dawn - SPOILER!!

WARNING - ADULT CONTENT ONLY. If you offend easily DO NOT read this post. I'm talking about sex, for crying out loud. You can't actually expect me to be all grown up about this, can you? We're talking dirty words. And words that you never knew were dirty until now. If you are someone who has found our blog to be a little too profane for your delicate sensibilities in the past, stop. reading. now. Really. Do yourself a favor and come back tomorrow. This goes double for you Mommy (not a)Jerkface. I love you but trust me, you DON'T want to read this.

I've been working tirelessly on this post but STY keeps throwing phrases out there like 'too inappropriate', 'EW! You CAN'T say that!!' and 'Too far! TOO FAR!!!

Now that we've got that out of the way - let's talk about sex, baby! Or, more specifically, vampire McLovin'!!

I've been thinking about this whole pregnant thing in Breaking Dawn. Let me preface this by saying, should any nit picky little bastards be reading this, I am fully, coherently aware that this series is fiction. On the flipside, if I just busted someone's bubble, sorry about that - you might want to see a therapist, though. Just sayin'. Oh and by the way, there's no Santa Claus, either.

First things first - let's discuss the actual 'doing' part of gettin' diggity with it. I know Bella woke up all kinds of bruised (personally, I think this is merely a mark of a good night) but that's all? Really? Losing your virginity hurts like a bitch when you're boinging a human boy, much less a vampire. Especially since said vampire apparently has flesh that's hard as steel. That takes being 'hard' to a whole new level, know what I'm sayin? I'm just thinking that Bella shouldn't be able to walk for a few days, maybe a month, that's all. And let's face it - if Edward is as godlike as he's described, than I think it's safe to assume he's well endowed in the schlong department. We're talking "magnum."

Bella - Are you sure we're supposed to be doing it this way? I think they do it the other way in movies...
Edward - I don't know. This is how Jasper explained it to me...

I know it's weird - I'm willing to suspend reality when it comes to a bunch of undead dudes running faster than the wind and being impossibly strong but I still question how Edward's little swimmers can survive when his balls are presumably as cold as ice cubes.

Edward's family jewels...

Which brings me to my next beef with the pregnancy. According to Stephenie Meyer her vampires have a venomous fluid in their bodies that lubricate their cells, eyes, etc. This is also what allows the male vampires to, ahem, get it up. Thing is, if Edward's internal system is made of venom then wouldn't his, well, his spunk be venomous too? And I'm thinking that making a deposit of venom inside Bella's love muffin couldn't possibly be... comfortable for her. I mean, it's venom. After all, Edward's love custard is responsible for creating half of Renesmee. And by half I mean THE half that fucks Bella up in a big old I-broke-your-spine-and-ribs-and-now-you're-dying kinda way.

Anyhoo, I can't help but think there is something about Edward knocking Bella up that just seems... kind of fucked (excuse the pun). I get that Renesmee (I HATE that name) is central to the whole story and all, but couldn't they have just adopted? There's GOT to be some kids left that Madonna and Brangelina haven't adopted yet, ya know?

P.S. - Am I the only one who finds the fact that SM (Stephenie Meyer, you dirty birds!) was all-too-willing to go into graphic detail about the ins and outs of vampire/human reproduction [pun intended...] but seemed appalled every time someone questioned what happened when Aunt Flo was in town???" or whatever... just a thought...

Sunday, April 26, 2009

"Kristen Stewart Chops Off All Her Hair!" [aka "How Rumors Start"]

Last night JJ and I were out at our favorite local dive bar where DH's band was playing some good old-fashioned punk rock. Pre-show, we milled around upstairs (the bands play in a subterranean lair) shooting the shit and throwing back some strong cocktails [remember in a previous post how I said we'd had the week from hell? yes? ok then.] I was in a conversation with a women whom I begrudgingly remain friends with despite her foiling JJ's and my best efforts to indoctrinate her into the Twidom when she suddenly stopped blathering mid-sentence to blurt out the following:

Non-Twi-Friend: Oh!! That girl from that stupid vampire movie you love so much chopped off all her hair!
Snarkier Than You [freezing mid-sip]: WHAT?! That's impossible!!
NTF: Yup - it's true! And it doesn't look good. I mean, she's a beautiful girl, but that pixie cut is SO not right for her...
STY: Where did you hear this?! Are you sure?!
NTF: I was surfing Yahoo's OMG news - that "What Were They Thinking?!" thing where they show all the worst style offenders?? It was definitely her, and Lady GaGa and a few other people in awful get-ups.
STY: When did you read this???
NTF: Today.
STY: [Exasperated] No no no - what time today???
NTF: [looking at me like I am effing nuts] What time? Why?? Er, I have no idea... Maybe around 4:00? Why??
STY: Listen, I hate to admit this in public, but I am so tuned into all things Twilight that I follow several blogs who would have posted about this before the first shorn clipping of hair had hit the ground. And I didn't hear about it.
NTF: [sullen] Well, it was her.

Unfortunately, it was really REALLY late when we got home so I wasn't able to confirm or deny the aforementioned rumor but when I woke up this morning, it was still on my mind and I went to check it out. I went straight to Yahoo, where I found this:

For those of you who may be as clueless as I am when it comes to this kind of stuff [have I ever mentioned that I stopped obsessively reading Perez Hilton when I started obsessing about Twilight? Well, I did.], that is Jena Malone. I've heard her name but had no clue who she really was, although over at IMDB it says that she was in one of my fave movies, Donnie Darko and also, coincidentally, was in Into the Wild With K-Stew. Maybe I just don't recognize her current look... Anyway, clearly, she is not Kristen Stewart. I don't think Robert Pattinson would tap that, do you? To give NTF her due, that haircut isn't the best (can anyone say "The Jamie-Lee-Curtis-'do"???) and that outfit is a disaster (people, can we please keep the knee-high stockings in Grandma' s dresser where they belong? Please?! Because they flatter no one, ok??). But it's not The Stew (who to her credit either has better taste, a better stylist, or--more likely--both).

P.S. I just spoke to NTF a few moments ago, apprised her of the falsity of her story and my bloggy intention to share her faux-pas with the world, and asked her if she had any further on-the-record comments she's like to share. All I got was "Don't you dare put me on that stupid blog of yours!!!"

Sorry, NTF, too late! But I still [heart] you. And admit it: you're a secret Twitarded reader. It's ok; I know alllll about it. : )

P.P.S. DH was not too happy with me this morning when I jumped right into blogging without any consideration for our breakfast/brunch-y needs. He looked at me petulantly and stated "I can't live on Twilight news. I don't get nourishment from it like you do."

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Top Twilight Blogs - WTF?

Jenny Jerkface here. I'm humbly reaching out to my lovely Twitards and bloggers for a little help and information.

So here it goes - how the fuck does Top Twilight Blogs actually work? We're a bit confused here. I mean, as much as I hate to admit that I'm not utterly perfect at everything, I really can't figure out this whole rating thing. The reason I ask is because we inexplicably dropped substantially in ratings on a day that was really good for us, hit-wise. What can I say - sometimes I gets confused about this all this rating stuff.

Any ideas? Is Twilight Top Blogs actually like the Mafia or something?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Open Letter to Twilight Haters

Screw you.

I kid, I kid! Honestly, I'm cool with you hatin' on us. Seriously. If I wasn't such a twitard, I'd probably hate me too. Lately, I've been trolling the web and visiting some of your blogs and sites. Damn clever, some of you are. Not nearly as slick as, say, me or STY (toot toot!), or a whole lot of other Twibloggers out there (Pssst - check our blog roll - oodles of brain-tingling funniness can be had at those sites!) but some of you definitely made me L-O-L. A few even got me LMFAO. Go you!

I thought about linking to your sites but that's just like opening the gates of hell. I imagine it's safe to assume that you folks are just as OCD as we are and will eventually meander your cranky asses over to our site and then it'll be like WWIII or something. While I always love a good fight, I'm not going to spend my day arguing the good and bad of Stephenie Meyer's vamp series, 'kay? Twitarded is not a democracy. Sorry.

Now, I don't speak for all Twilovers out there but it's come to my attention that there are some misrepresentations of the Twi reader demographic. I'll focus on us old biddies (and by old I mean over the age of 25. Really? You bastards!).

We realize this is not exactly 'high brow' literature. No one is clamoring to trade For the Whom the Bells Toll for Twilight. Honest. Yes, we like the books. We LOVE the books. We would make out with the books if it didn't get the pages all wet and muck up the dust jackets. It's just that we know that everyone needs a little 'brain porn' once in awhile. It's a silly story that tugs at us in just the right way. I don't bash you for looking at Hustler or whatever. Just think of Twilight as our version of a naked lady with big tits.

Nor are we a bunch of uneducated house fraus who sit around in our muumuus wishing our hubbies were Edward. We understand that it's just a story. Brain candy, remember? Sometimes War and Peace just doesn't cut it when you've had a long, tortuous day in the office. Sparkly vampires, on the other hand, do. I'll let you in on a little secret: Twilight isn't the only thing we read, 'kay?

We are not all fat, ugly virgins. Are you a four-eyed pasty freakster who chills in front of his computer all day? Maybe, but probably not. You don't like it when people slap stereotypes on you and we don't either. Now, I don't know what my fellow bloggers look like, but it's safe to say we aren't a bunch of drooling hags looking to jump some young guy's knob. In fact, from what I gather, most of us are married or at least shacking up with someone. Sure, we might talk about how Robward gets our motors revving but that's all it is... just talk. There isn't someone out there that plays a little part in your fanasties? Really? I think you're lying. I KNOW there is someone you fantasize about doing the horizontal tango with. Why don't you just admit it.

Do I wish Edward was real? Fuck no! If Vampires actually did exist that would be one more thing I would have to be paranoid about. I've got my hands full, what with the crackheads, thieves, murderers, and human sociopaths. I'd prefer not to add any mythological beasts to that list, ya know?

And speaking of sociopaths, I discovered something... interesting in my anti-Twilight travels (I can practically hear STY shrieking 'don't poke the bear!! DO NOT poke the bear!'). I'm not sure how much truth there is to it but apparently there are some Twifans who are a little... shall we say overzealous with their literary affections. I've stumbled across accounts of rabid Twifans attacking people with knives and bats. Or attempting to hack into anti-Twi sites. Um, really? Listen up, you crazy little twits: it's just a book (there. I said it.). Edward ain't going to save your pyscho ass when you're sitting in jail. And Jacob's too wholesome for a jailbird. Buck it up and accept the fact that not everyone agrees with you before you end up being roomies with Big Betty the homicidal maniac on Cell Block A.

Big Betty is calling top bunk, bitches.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Did It! Sister Snarky Comes to the Twilight Dark Side!

After JJ had gotten me irrevocably hooked on Twilight, I did the natural thing and tried to think of who I could share the madness love with... After considering it briefly, I realized I wanted that special victim person to be my big sis', Sister Snarky. We don't necessarily spend a ton of time together, but we're very similar in a lot of ways and I figured she would be an easy mark. Not quite...

We had talked about it in September and October (OK, I had blathered on about it; she pretended to listen), but she's a h-u-g-e Buffy fan and said that Twilight was just a cheap Buffy imitator (blasphemy!). Refusing to be thwarted (by "Team Buffy"? Really?!), I brought my copy of Twilight to her at Christmas. It was hectic... Relatives were visiting, the place looked like a Toys-R-Us bomb had just exploded, and I wasn't going to insist she start reading it that day--after all, there was always December 26th!--but I was feeling all warm and fuzzy (this may have been the eggnog at work...) and I pressed it into her hands like it was a priceless family heirloom, telling her in that special voice I use when I am trying to persuade stubborn humans that she just had to read it. HAD to!!

And then I waited. And waited... Anticipating the "OME I'm in soooo in lurv!!" phone call that didn't come... I felt like a jilted lover.

In February, after several months of persistent hounding, she promised she would start reading it. I had long since went out and replaced my copy, so I figured I could be patient. You can lead a horse to water, but...

And then it happened. She drank the kool-aid water. And she sped through Twilight in a few days - banning herself from bringing it to a family gathering for fear that she would be tempted to feign some sort of digestive malady so that she could lock herself - book in tow - in the bathroom for an hour or two of uninterrupted reading. We've all been there! And now she was, too [woo hoo! yes!]. And did I mention that she went out and bought New Moon before she finished Twilight because she didn't want to go through temporary Twithdrawal? Well, she did. And I was SO proud! However, I knew I needed to bide my time before inundating her with every cool Twilight-related thing I had ever seen and was dying to share... Unwilling to do anything that might lead her to spoilers, I sent her nothing. Nadda. Zip. Bubkiss. Until I found this over on Letters to Twilight [click on it for a larger version you can actually read]:

This was her email reply:
Wow - Seriously, no seriously that comic could have been written for me - did someone read my thoughts?! Yes, this was me at Lil' Snark's karate class on Friday:
Mommy X - "Oh is that Twilight that you're reading?"
Sister Snarky - "Ummm, actually no I just started the next one - ha-ha, such drivel, can't believe I am reading this - now please leave me ALONE so I can READ!"

Finished "New Moon" (in 3 days) but refuse to buy the next one unless it is in paperback - will try to avoid bookstore at all cost (not hard, our local one just closed - Thank God! - Sorry Book World guys!) or I know I will buy it hardcover be damned (no pun intended).

You are so mean for turning me on to this...! By the way, I thought New Moon was better than the first. My only quibble is seriously, how many times can she describe him like a Greek God? She needs a thesaurus... :)
Needless to say, being the wonderful sibling that I am, I sent Eclipse off to her in the mail the other day... I mean, c'mon - I have a vested interest in having her finish the saga! [She has NO IDEA what she is in for - lol...]

Yesterday, I received the following confirmation that Sister Snarky's transformation from mild-mannered mommy to rabid Twi-Mom was complete:

To: Snarkier than You
Sister Snarky
Lil'Snark as Edward Cullen

Lil'Snark has a children's author visiting his school today that wrote a book called "Bedhead" so all the kids were supposed to wear their bedhead hair. I personally think Lil'Snark's came out looking more like Edward (and he is really HUNGRY!)....

YAY! You don't know it yet, Sister Snarky, but you are an official member of the Twitarded Sisterhood of the Shirking Duties (sorry, Lil' Snarky nieces and nephews! Oh, wait, and husband.). And as soon as you finish reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn [you don't know it yet but I also stuck Breaking Dawn into the box I mailed to you!], I will tell you the name of my blog so that you can make fun of me and out me to mom & dad...

I had to share this once I found it! Sorry - I know it's a tad creepy... And I want one.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Twi-Tardy Photo Series Continues!

OK, folks - JJ and I are each dealing with our own personal hells at work this week - and we are massively sorry, but we are slacking... I won't bore ya' with the gory details, but suffice it to say that most of our conversations today were filled with "Why me?! WHY?!"-wails of much-deserved self-pity. As you can imagine, in the evenings, alcohol has been required to ease the pain of the day. So now seems like an auspicious if not perhaps too soon time to share another you-may-have-missed-this-but-even-if-you-didn't-you-probably-forgot-how-effing-awesome-it-is pic from the Twarchives...

For your viewing consideration, may I present to you an out-take from the Vanity Fair photo shoot - this originally surfaced some time back in January [holy crap did I miss a lot of stuff in January!!! wtf was I doing, anyway?!] - I know this one got around and even was a "Twilight Friending" meme, but I wasn't doing much in bloggyville back then and I guess nobody wanted to be my Twi-friend at the time [whaaaaaa!!], so...

All I can say is that this pic is fantastic and I think that Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Cam Gigandet all ganged up on Taylor Lautner, little-brother-style... Clearly, hilarity ensued:Seriously, is it just me or does Rob totally have his fingers poised to clamp down on Taycob's nip?! Purple nurple, anyone??? [I could have have went any number of ways with this, but it's late and he's waaay too young for me to be talking about him like this and I feel dirty now...]

And fine - I swore I would post this pic on a regular basis just because it's awesome and makes me melt so what the heck - can you ever really have too many pictures like this? No. You cannot.

"Goodnight, Snarkier... I'll come tuck you in in a minute..."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Is My Family Twitarded? And Edward For Rent!

On Saturday, ML and I went to my parents' house for Daddy (not a)Jerkface's birthday. My Dad rocks. So does my Mom. That's why I'm so kick ass - I have parents that are amazing (technically I'm crediting the 'rents for my coolness, so that's not vain, right?).

Naturally, I brought Edward with me since he's my ever-faithful traveling companion. Somewhere around cake/coffee time, the topic of conversation turned toward Twilight. I don't recall exactly who started it but I'm going to assume it was me. I mean, I'm the only one in my family obsessed.

Never one to miss a possible Edward opportunity, I yanked him from my tote and presented him shamelessly to my parents, brother Jerkface and his lovely wife. Have I mentioned lack of social filters before? Oh, I have. Sorry.

What happened next got a little dicey. Suddenly, everyone was... well, they were taking pictures of him. And seemed to be having a really good time of it, too. I quickly realized that I was potentially losing photo-ops so I announced that every picture of Edward belonged to me and that any conversation thereafter may or may not end up on the world wide web. Everyone agreed (suuuuuckers).

I knew Mommy and Daddy (not a)Jerkface would because they know about the blog. Brother Jerkface (aka "the Unicorn") does not (this is called 'Little Sister's Revenge'). And would probably kill me if he did. Or at least maim me a little, like James did to Bella. I nearly burst out of my skin, I wanted to talk about this blog so badly!! But, I couldn't. It was a sad moment.

Needless to say, we went about our merry ways until tonight, when I received an email from Mommy (not a)Jerkface. It read:

JJ, I hope Edward enjoyed the party. Love, Mom

I shit you not, that's what it said. Right?! Mommy (not a)Jerkface is the best!! And she even enclosed pictures. Including this first one, which they took when I was out of the room. The nerve!

Despite his very spotty history with celebrations, Edward jumped right in!

Ever the gentleman, he insists on handling the coffee service personally (good thing he's so strong!).

Coffee too hot? No problem! OME will blow his intoxicating, cool breath on it until it's just right.

When I called Mommy (not a)Jerkface to ask let her know I was posting her pictures she said they had a lot of fun taking pictures of Edward and that she could see why STY and I are so crazy into it.

With that being said, I am now officially renting out Edward. He's got a weird smudge on his right cheek that I can't get off but other than that he's good to go. He's very photogenic, patient, and enjoys being put into awkward, humiliating situations. You can rent him for fifteen dollars a day. A fifty dollar deposit is required but will be returned as long as Edward makes it back to my purse with all his limbs. And his head. **

**Warning - lack of maturity not included. Not responsible for loss of dignity, social status, or significant other. Jenny Jerkface Ltd. cannot be held liable in the event of incarceration and/or committal to mental institution. Use at own risk.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Gratuitous Zexy Robert Pattinson & TwiCast Pics + Twilight Board Game Q&A

Sometimes I am glad that I am a bit of a Robward-come-lately to the whole Twilight scene. Sure, sure - it would be nice to say you were one of the first people to get all nutty and Twitarded, have that tatty first-edition book to prove your Twi-cred, converted your poor innocent friends before they even knew what hit them, and so on... But I think I am the lucky one when it's all said and done. For starters, I didn't have to wait several long, surely-agonizing years in between the time when I started Twilight and the moment when I tore through the last pages of Breaking Dawn (how DID you people manage?!). It was a matter of days for me. There' s almost nothing I love more than finding a new author I adore who has a large catalog of work that I can make my way through, and this was like hitting the jackpot in that regard. Plus, by the time I had finished the books, the movie was on the horizon--a mere matter of months away!--and I could occupy myself with watching the trailer over and over and over again on YouTube in the interim. I loved the trailer! Actually, I miss the trailer a ton and I think I'm gonna go watch it again right after I post this... Oh heck - you know you miss it now, too - here you go!

On the down-side, I came face-to-face with the stark reality of all the stuff I missed out on when I came across this freaking Twitabulous picture as I was searching for a random Twilight image online:

Don't be afraid, Robward - I'll save you!!!

OK, so some of you have already seen this photo. I realize that. After I regained my composure, I did a little checking into it, and this is from a series of pics and out-takes from "V-Man" that appeared on the scene some time back in January. But back then, scoping out Twi-blogs for the good stuff wasn't really on my radar. I started this blog and did my first post at about that time [to date: one lonely comment... where's the love?! browse our archives, people! we wrote some funny shit that nobody ever read! lol...], and since I essentially started this blog to spite JJ for telling me I wouldn't be able to post all-Twilight-all-the-time stuff on the blog she started and asked me to join, it just never occurred to me that I could satisfy my burning need for Twi through reading blogs until a bit later (seems absurd now, I know, but I didn't frequent Blogger until then - I had no idea what I was missing out on!).

Anyhoo, expect me to post occasional random older-but-awesome stuff like this. I missed it, and you might have, too. And even if you saw it back in January, didn't you forget until this very moment how much it rocked??? You can thank me later...

Speaking of thanks, Anna over at Peace. Love. TWILIGHT! has been kind enough to offer her assistance with some of the bloggy tech-y stuff that is over the head of the likes of JJ and me (my 10-year-old nephew could probably teach me a thing or two, but it seems ever-so-slightly more dignified to ask someone outside of the family who doesn't have a 9:00 bedtime to help us out). Yay Anna! You're fabulous!

Anna is currently asking people to submit questions for her upcoming interview with Jonathan Keefer, who is one of the designers of the soon-to-be-released Twilight Board Game. You can read the whole post HERE. So ask away! What do YOU want to know about the game??? Personally, I'm wondering what he makes of the whole Twilight thing in general, since I am assuming he is a game designer by profession, not a Twi-fan who made a game (but who knows - I could be wrong on that!). What do you think??? Head over there to share your questions, or if you're too enthralled with the awesomeness that is Twitarded to click away even for a brief moment, share your thoughts in the comments section here and I will forward them over to Anna for you. Either way, Peace. Love. Twilight! will credit you if your question is used, so stay tuned!

And oh what the heck - you've all been good and I [heart] you, so I will break out a real razzle-dazzler for ya' for being so wonderful! MWAH!!! Who loves you, baby? Sweet dreams!

OME oh my...! [swoon...melts...]

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Edward Gets a Twilight Tattoo

Well, not really. He figured that would be like getting Bella's name tattooed on his arm - everyone knows that getting your lover's name inked on you is a guaranteed relationship killer.

A few weeks ago Edward and I were perusing 1000 Tattoos. I was interested in getting some ink work done and Edward decided he wanted one, too. He hoped to find a nice picture of a mountain lion that he could have tattooed on his back.

Unfortunately, when we went down to the studio to make our appointments, it turned out that Edward couldn't get one after all. The needle was no match for his hard, cold, marble flesh! He was a tad disappointed but still offered to come with me when I got mine.

So, on Friday, STY, Edward and I hustled off to the tattoo studio so I could get inked. To be honest, STY and I spent a good deal of time plotting how we were going to get pictures of us and Edward at the tattoo studio. Cameras were packed, cell phones were switched to silent and Edward was tucked discreetly into STY's purse.

And then our excursion was totally thwarted by one single man. He was young-ish, your typical beefy looking tough-guyfrat asshole boy and he was assigned to the chair in the same room as I was. As he and his entourage flooded into the tiny room, STY's expression went from I'm-the-ninja-with-the-camera to uh-oh-Houston-we-have-a-problem.

My back was to those fuckers but STY gave me a subtle shake of the head and returned her camera (and Edward) back to her purse with a sad, little sigh. She did, however, manage to snag a couple of pictures with her cell phone but we were hoping to involve Edward in the whole process.I DO NOT have elephantitis of the tit - it's the chair.

Almost there!

Edward approves (but he's still mad he got stuck in STY's bag)

We had plotted for so long that we were just plain fecking disappointed that Mr. Whiny-baby-bitch (he whimpered the whole gawddamn time he was getting his tattoo) and his gang had to ruin it for us that STY made one last desperate attempt to take a picture of poor Edward.

We tried, we really did

Oh, and to Mr. Whiny-baby-bitch - you suck for ruining our plans. And your tattoo was crooked.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Is it Time for TwiHab???

This is my brain on Twilight...
Image from here.

For a while now, I've been thinking about how Twilight has essentially taken over my life and wondering if maybe it's time to put the wheels in motion for my own Twintervention. So when I read Themoonisdown's "Twilosophy" post today yesterday [sigh...] over at Letters to Twilight where she mused about her friend who put down Twilight after reading the first book because it was "consuming her thought life," I began digging a little deeper into how I felt about it.

I think about Twilight a LOT. Like all the time. Am I awake? Yes? Then I probably have Twilight on the mind. Am I asleep? Well then ditto: thinking of Twilight. I think about it more than I am even fully comfortable admitting here in the comforting anonymity of bloggyland. It's that bad.

Here is an example of things I would do in a typical day Before Twilight ["B.T."]:
  • Get up, make breakfast, and pack a nice lunch for me and DH to take to work
  • Read news, check email
  • Go to work, do actual work-related stuff while there (most of the time)
  • Grocery shop
  • Go home, make nice dinner for me & DH
  • Do dishes, do some laundry, iron/prepare an outfit for next day at the office
  • Read, maybe watch a little TV with DH
  • Go to sleep
Here is an example of an average day After Twilight [A.T.]:
  • Get up, dash to computer, check blog comments, stats, email, other people's blogs about Twilight, Robert Pattinson, New Moon movie, etc., leave comments
  • Read something Twilight-related (book from the saga, Director's Notebook, whatever...)
  • Skip breakfast; tell DH he is on his own, food-wise; grab some leftovers to have for lunch myself
  • Go to work [grudgingly]; work on blog and wonder how much attention the IT department pays to what I do all day, obsessively email JJ every two seconds about the blog and other Twi-related stuff
  • Leave work--yay!--go home, immediately rush to computer, repeat morning routine of blog, comments, stats, email, reading other blogs and Twi-sites
  • Order take-out for dinner. Again. Eat off paper plates.
  • Work on blog some more; feel sorry for ditching DH (again!) to be on computer; compromise by asking if he wants to watch Twilight dvd with me. Again.
  • Tell DH to do his laundry if he doesn't want to wear dirty clothes to work the following day; find something for myself to wear in pile of clothes that need to be put away but I can't be bothered to deal with
  • Get in bed (mind racing over Twilight-related stuff), get up five or six times to note something interesting I want to write about on the blog (or use voice recorder/"MIB" flashy-thingy if DH is not in bed yet and won't hear me), dream bloggy Twidreams
ARG!!! See the difference? Anyone??? I know it's a barely noticeable change in my habits, but... OK - is it just me?? Seriously, I need to know!

When it's all said and done, though, I know I would do it all over again if given the choice. Pass me the Twi-Ade, 'cause I'm drinkin' it! I am in total agreement with Moon when she says that part of what makes Twilight so special to all of us is that it makes you feel something, and that's not a bad thing; that's what makes life interesting and worth living. So maybe I do need to find a way to have a teeny little bit more balance in my life, but I think I'm largely ok with my obsessive-compulsive Twitarded A.T. self. I just bought Russell Brand's "My Booky Wook" to divert my attention from Twilight, and it's such a gorgeous day outside that I think I'll peel myself away from the computer to go enjoy it for a bit. Right after I finish this post.

Image from here.

P.S. DH agreed to go laptop shopping with me tomorrow, and then I'll be able to blog outside - any everywhere I go!!! Woo-hoo!!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Vegetarian Vampires – a Conversation

I'm sure, if you've read a few of my posts, you know ML is not a fan of Twilight. At all. He only tolerates my obsession with all things Twilight because he knows if I'm not focused on this, I could potentially zero in on something that might adversely affect him. Like the messy state of our apartment. So, naturally, given the choice between having me hole up in the back room or me wandering around the apartment and asking him to a) do the dishes b) pick up his clothes c) vacuum, etc., he leaves me to my addiction. He's a smart man, that ML.

Despite his zero lack of interest in Twilight I still blabber about it constantly to him, which means he knows things against his will. He doesn't want to know that Edward is cold and sparkly, but he does. He could care less that the Cullens can't step foot on Quileute territory - but he still knows it.

He also knows that the Twilight vampires (well, the good ones, anyway) are 'vegetarian', a concept he finds... baffling.
ML: What do you mean, vegetarians?
JJ: They don't drink the blood of humans.
ML: What do they drink?
JJ: Animal blood.
ML: They're still drinking blood, though. How can they be vegetarian if they're still drinking blood?
JJ: {heaves a martyred sigh} Because they aren't drinking human blood. That means they don't kill humans.
ML: So, they're fake vegetarians? Drinking animal blood is still drinking blood. That's like those people who call themselves vegetarians but they eat fish. Fake vegetarians.
JJ: It's different. They have to drink some kind of blood.
ML: Wouldn't animal blood weaken them?
JJ: Er, a little, but not really. {Doesn't mention Jasper's suggestion to go off 'the wagon' in Breaking Dawn}
ML: Do they eat powerful animals, like grizzlies and shit?
JJ: {giggles} Uh huh. That's Emmett's favorite.
ML: {gives me the hinky eye} So, you're reading a series about teenage vampires who say they are vegetarians but aren't really vegetarians? {Shakes head} That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
JJ: It is not!
ML: Vegetarian vampires! It makes no sense!
JJ: {Throws hands up in disgust} You just don't get it. {Incidentally, this phrase is becoming my 'go to' when discussing Twilight with anyone who does not read or like Twilight} Forget it.
What do you want for dinner, by the way?
ML: Hmmm. I think I'll heat up a black bean burger...

Oh, and by the way, ML is a vegetarian himself.

pic from here.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why New Moon is My Favorite Book of the Series

STY (bff)Jerkface FINALLY gave me back my damn books this weekend. She also invited me over to dinner that same day and I plopped my ass on her couch while she cooked me a mean steak and potatoes (Fine, you're not a Jerkface, anymore) [note from STY: hey i made you veggies, too! asparagus!! and balsamic-marinated onions, you wench!]. DH was in the basement playing guitar and I don't watch TV so, naturally, I brought New Moon with me to read.

As a general rule, I almost always carry reading material with me. Maybe it's because I'm a commuter but I feel naked without something to read. Hey, you never know when you'll be sitting there like a lump stuck on the train thinking, 'boy, I sure wish I had something to read!' I'm a good girl scout - I like to be prepared (actually, I got kicked out of girl scouts but that's a whole other story).

Anyhoo - it's been awhile since I read New Moon. And realized, as I was reading it this weekend, that it is my favorite one out of all of them.

Why, you might ask? Because it's depressing as fuck, that's why. Ok, that's not really why, though I will be the first to admit that I'm often drawn to dark, depressing stories. I even bought an anthology of short stories called Dumped (ML saw it and said, 'um, is there something you should be telling me?'). Maybe this is just part of my German heritage. Have you read real German fairy tales? Let's put it this way - in the original 'Little Mermaid' the Mermaid doesn't get the prince, she gets a whole lot of pain.

I just think Stephenie Meyer does a good job at describing Bella's pain over the loss of Edward. I think maybe I even got some chest pains during the October-November-December... part. And if I feel it, then the writing is effective. Not only that, but losing someone you love and getting rejected are common experiences that everyone shares.

We've all been dumped at some point. It sucks. It hurts. Sometimes people get really depressed and wander around like zombies for a few months. Others retaliate by, say, forking their ex's front lawn or something like that (I may or may not have done this). Regardless, breaking up is never a fun thing. Unless you're a sadistic bastard, that is. Then it's tons of fun.

(Side note - it just occurred to me how suitable this picture is. Forks, get it? Get it?!)

I have been critical of Stephenie Meyer's writing style before, but I think that she did an excellent job with portraying Bella's healing process in New Moon. We learn that Bella's just a little stronger than we think. My only complaint is Bella's need for a relationship - how she was willing to 'settle' for Jacob when she thought she would never get Edward back. It's always bothered me when women are portrayed as not whole because they don't have a lover.

And that, my friends, is my official two cents of the day...

TwiCrack Addict Goes Broken Arrow; Breaks Treaty!

Well now she's gone and done it! It would appear that an out-of-control TwiCrack Addict has broken the Quileute/Vampire treaty! This pic, lifted shamelessly off of her blog, shows the cold, hard, and irrefutable evidence: OME in front of Jacob's house - clearly "on the res..." Oh TCA, what have you done?!

Ok, for reals, TCA has been sorely missed as she tries to balance visiting with the fam and set-stalking in the mysterious (and confusing to some) "Vancity" while simultaneously working on fully developing her holiday muffin-top (note: if you don't come back from a vacation carrying a few extra pounds, you didn't do it right).

And let me tell you - we HAVE noticed that she's been only posting about as much as a normal person might, and not at the super-powered-OCD-blogger-level that we have all come to know, love and, dare I say, require. In fact, yesterday was our busiest day ever here at Twitarded, and I think at least some of the folks who came our way were desperate TwiCrackheads in search of a fix.

Like most Mondays, yesterday was initially looking pretty bleak. Long work-week to face, the weather here in the North-East absolutely, positively refuses to believe it is spring, and like a lot of you probably did, I had a too-much-Easter-candy sugar-hangover.

But then, things started to look brighter almost immediately... Letters to Rob had posted for our Monday viewing pleasure not one but TWO "Best of Rob" vids - woo-hoo! Since I barely have enough time to manage my current level of Twilight obsession, I don't usually spend a ton of time on YouTube (this is also possibly due to the fact that YouTube is blocked at my office), and I had never seen these compilations before (this might be a good thing on some level, since I STILL can't get that "Sex on Fire" song out of my head...). And they were effing h-y-s-t-e-r-i-c-a-l and really made you remember why you fell head over heals for Robward in the first place. Because he's funny and charming and awkward and self-depreciating and calls himself "a big hard tool" - yeah, that's why.

Later, JJ and I were pleased to notice that we were getting more visitors than usual. We actually ended up with about twice our usual number of hits, and while it probably wouldn't seem like a big deal relative to the traffic other blogs receive on a daily basis, it was about twice what we'd been averaging (not that I obsessively monitor our stats or anything...). Let's face it - this is just us ranting and raving, no real gossip, no new and exclusive R-Patts/cast pics, just me and JJ - so we were pretty happy about it! And after checking our stats (did I mention I visit Sitemeter every two seconds?), I realized what was happening: TwiCrack's fellow addicts was getting restless and needed something anything puh-lease!!! to tide them over. Hope we helped a little! We feel your pain...

I wouldn't exactly say we're taking the blog seriously, but we're trying to keep everyone as entertained as possible! I even went and bought one of those digital voice recorder thingies so that I can make a note of idea for things to write (JJ had one and it seemed like a good idea at the time...). Unfortunately this hasn't been working out quite the way we'd planned... We have both experienced the exact same problem: the second you put that thing in front of your face and hit "record," it has the same effect as the flashy thingy from Men In Black and essentially leaves you staring at it dumbstruck and without any clue whatsoever as to what was so important in the first place. So usually what gets recorded is a litany of swear words.
[note to self: google-image search - while at work! - for "men in black flasher" ill-conceived, possibly fire-able offense...]

Monday, April 13, 2009

I Never Want to Meet Rob Pattinson

I was reading about this experience on Pillow Biter's blog the other day (like STY, I'm incapable of doing anything in a timely manner) and it got me thinking - what would I do if I ran into, say, RPatz or something? Would I admit I'm a fan? Would I attack him? Or, would I stand there like a gaping fish, mouth open, and not be able to say anything at all?

I really thought about this. And this is what I realized I would do.

I would turn and run as fast as I could (which is not very fast - I usually only run when being chased by cops or potential murderers) in the complete opposite direction. There would be a trail of smoke behind me. If I'm really lucky, I might even give the kid a complex.

Why would I run?

Because I'm thirty one (hey! That rhymed! Go me!) years old. Oh, and I'm pretty damned vain, too. I know myself too well and a conversation with RPatz would probably go something like this:

Me - Um, excuse are you RPatz?
RPatz - {gives me the disapproving once-over} Yes.
Me - Um, I know this sounds, like, really $%&@ stupid, but I really like $%&@ Twilight and I know you're not really $#%^ Edward and all but -
RPatz - I can't understand what you're saying because you're saying 'fuck' every other word.
Me - You want to $##% me?! Really?! AWESOME!!!

The whole running thing kinda surprised me, too. I mean, I really, seriously, honestly, don't have any shame. In fact, one of my hobbies is making other people incredibly uncomfortable [note from STY: This is 100% true - she's a complete menace when out in public] and who better to be awkward with than RPatz? I'd say Kristen Stewart, too, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't need any help feeling awkward.

I have no qualms about running around with the Edward doll. I've mooned people. From a moving vehicle. And I wasn't a teenager (as in, I was older than a teenager). I'm known for saying insanely inappropriate things at the wrong time. If I have a filter, it's in dire need of being changed.

But I would actively avoid RPatz. Weird, huh? I can't say that I would feel the same about the rest of the members. Then again, it's not like I have the hots for KStew, ya know?

Well, you know what they say about getting over your fears - you have to face them head on...

Do you need a passport to get to Canada? Just sayin'...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Adventures in Twi-Merch: Wal-Mart Edition

The other day I was [yes, all of my posts start something like this because I am a lazy procrastinator and will never ever be able to say "Today I..."] doing my usual thing, which is spending every waking moment online reading about Twilight-related stuff (or writing about Twilight-related stuff) when I came across an absolutely hysterical rant by Whitley over at Twilog about her massive disappointment in her local Wal-Mart's selection of Twilight merchandise.

Here's an excerpt - if you didn't already read it, you can find the whole thing HERE. Warning: do not eat or drink while reading, as you WILL spit stuff out when you laugh - trust me, I know:
"And this was on the shelf they have for the books and the movie. Instead, as you can see, there are Doritos, which have nothing to do with Twilight whatsoever.

It didn’t get better. The shirts and that one bag were the only Twilight related things in the FUCKING TWILIGHT SECTION. No buttons, no books, no posters, no keychains, NOTHING."

For some reason, the Doritos thing just killed me! Maybe they were the new "Cool Cullen Ranch" flavor?? Anyway...

I hadn't been to my local Wal-Mart in a bit (Target's everywhere in these parts, and I lurvs me some Tarjay), so I decided a little field trip was in order. Frankly, things have been pretty hinky at work lately, it was a super-nice day weather-wise, and I just wanted to get out of the office. So - to Wal-Mart!

A few initial observations: the people at Hot Topic are better dressed, have cooler haircuts, and are generally a more attractive lot. And nicer, believe it or not. And they have better music playing there (usually).

I figured I should start in the most logical place, which would be with the Doritos. It would appear that all was in order! A good omen... [It would also appear that I have no idea how to take bigger pictures than this on my cellphone - why? I don't get it... I have an awesome camera phone that I apparently have no clue how to use. Help!?]
So far, so good. I pointed my cart in the general direction of where I imagined the Twilight stuff would be. I came across a bunch of Twilight posters along the way - very promising! Except they did have "The Stare" {{{shudder}}} And some total creeper dude was looking through all the posters of teen heartthrobs and looked like he would probably hunt me down and kill me if I took his picture standing there, so I had to wait until he left to snap my pic.
And these were cheap--under five dollars! In the bang-for-your-buck department, Wal-Mart wins, hands-down. And I know this because, um, OK I'll admit it: I bought that scary huge blow up poster of Bella and Edward's faces. For research purposes only! Now I need to get that pore-riddled monstrosity the heck out of my house. Please, someone take it off my hands. For reals, you can have it.

I located the Twilight stuff over in the women's clothing section (why??? kind of pigeon-holing the Twi-fans, don't you think?), underneath a HUGE cardboard display banner thingy [note to self: find out what happens to this when they are done with it]. Unfortunately, they must have had it assembled by the last remaining person on earth who is unfamiliar with the Twilight phenomenon and its related images... Ahem - for your consideration:
Above: What it is SUPPOSED to look like - pic from Twiblog/Whitley's Wal-Mart
What it looks like at MY Wal-Mart - lol!!! REALLY?!

And folks, I have to tell you: if you want to buy yourself some Twilight-stuff, get to the Wal-Mart in Princeton, stat! I hit the motherload there. They had oodles of tees, tons of bags and totes, calendars, bag clips and other gear, buttons galore - you name it (although not a book in sight)!
Buttons and t-shirts and bags OH MY!

The only thing that was decidedly absent was anything with "Team Edward" on it - P'ton is clearly "Team Edward" turf, because there were a bunch of blue "Team Jacob" bracelets, but not one "Team Edward" - those were all sold out! Ergo, smart people = Team Edward [except YOU, person responsible for the upside-down display - you must be from out of town].
Is this subtle enough that I could get away with it??? Hmmm...
No movie playing : ( [EtomyB has a better Wal-Mart than mine - they play the movie there] - I guess this is OK, since if the movie HAD been playing, I would likely have parked myself in front of it and not gone back to the office like a good little worker-bee.

Fun over, time to go back to work. $100 later... Why IS it that I CANNOT get out of a Wal-Mart, Target, or big-box store without finding myself a hundred bucks poorer?! I don't get it...

As I was leaving, I remembered that this Wal-Mart has a mini-McDonalds hidden in it. Yay! Mickey Ds!! I looove McDonald's fries!!! Who doesn't??? SO tempting...
Plus I had just wiled away my entire lunch break stalking and photographing Twi-merch. But no, I was strong! Instead, OME and I left and soon settled back in to our desk for the rest of the afternoon.
"You brought a snack..."

So Whitley, I am sorry to have to report back to you with this news: it is true, your Wal-Mart really does suck. Sorry. Although I know you are aware of this already. But I had fun comparing! And for the record, to the best of my knowledge, there was no poo anywhere on the floor (if you haven't already done so, go read her post!).
: )
Rob makes Wal-Mart the happiest place on earth (sorry, Disneyland). Thanks to Eyes of Amber for the conveniently-timed pic of R-Patts @ Wal-Mart HQ!