Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mini-Edward Goes to the ER!

I think I've mentioned in the past that since his arrival in my life back in January, Mini-Edward accompanies me everywhere I go. No matter what bag or purse (or "pockabook" as the ladies of "WeBitePrettyHard" said once and now I can't stop saying it), I always find room for Mini-E and his carrying case.

I suppose it's lucky for me that I've never been one of those chicks who carries a lipstick and a credit card and that's it; I like to be prepared for everything that might come my way. By which of course I mean I might want to wear five different lipstick colors (plus several balms - I am an addict) in the course of the day; have my choice of pepper spray or pocket knife should the need arise to defend myself; and be capable of freshening my breath with an assortment of gum, mints, floss, toothbrush, toothpaste - well, you get the idea... Fresh breath is never inconsequential. What if I unexpectedly run into you-know-who??? I want him to be able to say "My, your lips look so kissable! And your minty breath is irresistible! Please don't mace me, ok? Just defend me from that pack of rabid fan-girls rushing up behind me..." And then I carry him off like he's Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard" and... Um, wait, where was I again?? Oh yeah - yesterday's trip to the ER...

Anyway, when I go to the doctor's office - any doctor - Edward comes along, too. And when I inevitably find myself stuck in a room by myself with nothing but a very pawed-through copy of "AARP Today" to keep me company, he usually makes an appearance (albeit a brief one because I am a scaredy cat and don't want to get busted).

He comes to general evaluations and physicals...

He comes with me when I go to the ophthalmology office:

And yesterday he had the pleasure of taking his first trip to the Emergency Room! Way to go Edward - you're such a trooper!

To backtrack a tad, I was at work Monday morning and started feeling a little squiffy... My nose (and ability to breath through it) went haywire, my face started getting red and puffy (not a nice look, ftr), I suddenly got itchy, and my heart was racing. I felt hot (not in a Twi-porn-induced way, either). And then I noticed that I was turning scarlet and breaking out in hives. Everywhere.

Believe it or not, in my personal life I hate making a spectacle of myself (really!) so I turn to the person who sits nearest to my desk and ask her to keep an eye on me for a minute and maybe call someone should I keel over... I guess I can't blame her for immediately picking up the phone and asking my boss (who is awesome) to come RIGHT NOW. He brings the HR director (who is also awesome) with him. Everyone sits there staring at me for ten minutes and when it becomes obvious that the hives are getting worse and people began wondering aloud if anyone might have an epi-pen handy, I am shuttled off to the hospital.

The ER is a place where the "time on your hands" to "desirable/distracting reading material" ratio is unlikely to work in your favor. Although the Princeton ER isn't exactly a hive of activity and it's unlikely that I'll have to wait TOO long, I realize I that in my haste to get there I have almost none of my usual stuff with me. But then again... I DO have Mini-E with me. And my phone...

If Tasha at Something Less Productive... can blog about and post a pic of her DH while he is awaiting his vasectomy, far be it from me to wuss out over a little rash...

[Tasha, this STILL cracks me up... Is that wrong???]

I text JJ: Having massive allergic reaction to who the fuck knows what & am in princeton ER...

Two seconds later she texts back: Holy shit! need me 2 come? [this would have involved not only ditching her work on an uber-busy day, but also multiple rail lines and about two hours. I love her for offering.]

While everyone is busy on the other side of the curtain trying to figure out what is wrong with a very sweet elderly woman who is assuring everyone she's just there for a check-up, I quickly snap a pic and send it to JJ:

Since it's possible I was a tiny bit panicky at the time, I'm glad he was there to scope out the surroundings, declared "Carlisle Would Approve," and talk me off the ledge...

I get a reply from JJ: He looks very concerned...

I shoot back: I've only got him & a cup of my own pee to play with so he's being a good sport...

I'm there for a while with people coming and going and running tests... Earlier they'd started an IV and I realize I'm getting a bit woozy from the combo of drugs and the fact that it's mid-afternoon and I haven't eaten anything since breakfast... Photo op!!! I take a pic and send it to JJ -

We are both getting hungry...

At some point I score a copy of Newsweek with a story on Twitter on the cover...

Doing bloggy homework while i wait...

Me: What does it say about me that i'm wondering if i should tweet being in ER?

JJ: The same thing is says about me b/c i think u totally should do it.

Me: ...& that's why we are bffs... Just got my walking papers and Mr. Snarky is on his way!

When it was all said and done, I'm glad that I had JJ & mini-E to keep me company! And nobody (including me) had a clue what I'd reacted to in the first place. I'm thinking maybe there were some bad vamps or rogue shape-shifters in the area...

P.S. I am fine now! Three cheers for steroids! Now I am going to go write fifty new posts...and clean the house...and write those letters I've been meaning to get to...and I think the cat needs a bath... [This is STY on prednisone...]

Monday, June 29, 2009

Twitarded's "100-ish Ways Twilight Has Changed My Life" List

A little background: this whole thing started a few weeks back when we were trying to put together something special for our 100th post. I was searching for something awesome and Twilight-related, ideally in an increment of 100 (keeping with the theme, natch), and despite the fact that I've become pretty proficient at finding stuff to suit my needs on the internet, I came up empty-handed. I ran the situation by JJ, and we decided we'd make our own "100 List." Then we remembered that 100 is a lot and it was going to take a while soooo... We came up with the perfect strategy to make things easier for us and more fun for you: we called in the Twitarded cavalry! Naturally JJ was very amenable to this plan, as she is as lazy as the day is long very busy...

And that's where you lovely folks came in to save the day... Well, "poured in" would be more accurate. We got so many answers to our question "How Has Twilight Changed Your Life?" that we quickly realized out attempt at laziness had been handily thwarted. But it was worth it. We sorted through hundreds and hundreds of your responses, and we were blown away by how hysterical, sweet, loving, touching, snarky, and just plain ol' awesome all of you are... We laughed, we cried, we even said "Awwww..." a few times. But mostly, we snorted fluids out of our noses and laughed so hard that we were almost in need of medical attention when it was all said and done.

And now it's your turn.

So beloved Twitarded peeps, put your collective coffee mug down. Or your wine glass. In fact, you’d better just clear the area entirely and put some pillows on the floor around you so that you’ll have a soft landing when you fall out of your chair. No - really, I mean it. Go ahead… I’ll wait… OK. All set? You'll thank me - profusely - for all the horked-through-the-nose beverages and bruises I just saved you from. Trust me.

Without further adieu, may I present to you “The List”:

Twitarded's "100-ish Ways Twilight Has Changed My Life" List

I had never pre-ordered a book before...never bought movie tickets in advance...never attended the midnight release of anything!

Before Twilight, I was stressing about something and my teen told me to "go to my happy place." I had no idea what/where a happy place was. Now I have one and I visit often. Twilight is my Happy Place.

When I learned about Stephenie Meyer's journey to publication, I regained confidence in my own writing, and in the worthiness of writing as a realistic pursuit—and I stopped castigating myself for not being a published novelist already. [Amen, sister!]

I often think that people I meet in Walmart on a rainy day could actually be Vampires because it might be they only time they can shop.

My biological clock has been replaced by the countdown to New Moon.

I now read an ASTONISHING amount of pornography. And I think my husband's junk is beginning to chafe.

I had my first "theme" birthday party since I was 12 - and it was AWESOME! Two 40-somethings and one 39-year-old - my best friend decorated like she was "Alice." Her father-in-law wanted to know why we had the poster of Paul Newman on the door, though (he doesn't know about Edward).

I discuss vampire culture and customs with my 14-year old niece like I would discuss the way to solve world peace.

I have to be conscious of what I am saying to my boyfriend during sex (as it is now entirely possible that I could yell "Edward!").

I have something Twilight-related in my purse at all times.

My father now refers to something chivalrous as "something Edward would do."

In place of "please?" at the end of his requests, my 8-year-old son asks me, "Pretty please--with Robert Pattinson on top?"

I now speak a different language. No, seriously. I say things like "chagrin, virtue, fursplode, Robsessed, sexpender pants, Robsten" in every day conversation. [It's true - there are at least 25 words in here that spellcheck doesn't recognize...]

Thunder now has a totally different meaning to me.

I recognize that my Edward is really cool - especially since he totally protected my virtue for four long years of dating. And, no, he's not gay, as four kids and much, much sexual activity confirms.

I have found a community of mature, intelligent women (and some dudes) who are as into this Twilight thing as I am, and no longer have to hide my beautiful black books.

I have never re-read a book before - NEVER- and I read tons of books. I have now read the whole series several times. I refuse to actually write down how many.

It helped me go through a very hard break-up with my boyfriend of seven years just by showing me how much I would have hated him after I got to know Edward Cullen, then look at him and find out he wasn't ANYTHING like him.

My husband bought me a shirt that reads "What Do You Mean Edward Isn't Real?" -- This is the first shirt he has bought me in the 8 years we have known one another. I normally frown on him buying me clothing items, but this one was dead on.

I never wanted to take a road trip to Forks, WA more than I do now.

Twilight saved me from my very serious handbag addiction. I was constantly trolling and looking for the perfect bag, switching designers, never content, etc... It was costing a not-so-small fortune. Then I started the series and never went back to my dark ways. Heh. Now I am content. I own one bag and couldn't be happier. Thanks Twilight.

It made me look cool with my students.

I rarely dream; it's always been this way for me. Most of the time I only dream after having too many cocktails. But how sad and boring. Now I dream all the time. Like Twilight turned on something in my brain that was dormant. Too bad my dreams are all of finding the perfect man and are depressing as hell in the long run--but heck, they are fun in the moment.

My daughters introduced me to Twilight and it has been a total Mommy/Daughters thing. I love that Twilight has brought us together in that way.

I saved on my electric bill. I didn't turn on my TV for a month until I was done with all books.

Twilight brings frienemies together. This girl I work with used to hate my guts and vice-versa. It was all over when we found out our mutual love for Twilight. I KID YOU NOT!

I cannot remember the last movie I was aching to see before it even finished shooting. Waiting for New Moon is torture the likes of children waiting for Santa.

I have ditched friends, dates, commitments, to stay at home and read Twilight.

I went celibate for Lent because I wanted to "feel closer to Edward." I know. It didn't work.

I actually bribed my boyfriend with, ahem, sexual favors if he agreed to watch the New Moon trailer with me. I wonder what I'm gonna have to do for November 20th 2009... Oh boy...

I'm completely Robsessed. I haven't had a celebrity crush this bad since River Phoenix!

I want to go out and buy my own Edward doll....Bella can wait at the store with Jacob. Who cares if my teenager decides to commit me after I buy Pocket E...she's just jealous.

My ten-year-old son gels his hair "like Edward's" each morning trying to get my attention (sorry son!!).

I don’t want to get a tan anymore, I like my pale skin.

I don’t want to dye my brown hair anymore either.

I now find anyone (and I mean anyone, even the old fat greeter at Walmart) named Edward hot by osmosis. I hear/see that name and my body instantly reacts before I can stop it.

The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that my family can no longer depend on having clean laundry folded and put away in their dressers, but that is not funny or even remotely interesting. It is true though.

I find myself thinking..."If I were a vampire, I could totally do that". Like when I want to run somewhere crazy fast, drive like a maniac and not get caught, or throw something far and accurately....

I'm not ashamed to be a huge klutz cause it's super cool for fictional characters.

Since English is not my mother-tongue, I force people around me to speak more English. I mean I have to be prepared, right?? Imagine, I sometime somehow meet Robward and I cannot talk to him??? Or, I don’t understand what he’s telling me...or he doesn’t get what I want from him??? (I better not go into detail about what I want...)

I'm perpetually and embarrassingly aroused due to my daily requirement of Rob's vporn, liporn, fingerporn and ass candy. [And don't forget jaw porn...]

It has reminded me that the emotional absolute highs and crushing lows of high school really were great to experience.

It has given me a dirty little secret that I hide from everyone else in my ordinary suburban housewife life and it's not illegal or immoral (well not TOO immoral).

I no longer care about competing against an Xbox 360 for my S/O's time. I actually find myself encouraging him to play his video games... *shudders*

I didn't go to the library for 8 months because I would only read the Twilight Saga + Midnight Sun. I used to borrow 5 books a week.

I created a Twilight shrine. I never collected anything in my life - even though I love Star Wars, I only have a few trinkets buried in a box somewhere. Suddenly I have every Twilight/Rob/Kristen related magazine that exists, I have the dolls, posters, t-shirts, bags, magnets, calendars, and am stalking the elusive Twilight pen that my friend's mom got as a gift from someone.

I started calling my boyfriend by his middle name, Eduardo.

I'm going to Comic-Con. Haven't been to any conventions since college (ten years ago), and that was at least on the same side of the country, but now I'm flying to San Diego just to get a glimpse of Rob & Co.

I found Twitarded and now get to laugh my ass off daily!!!

I realized that I had settled for what I married. That I was too good for him and he was not ever going to treat me the way I needed to be treated. Not that a vampire or Edward could do any different, being as they really don't exist at all. But still I saw in my husband the things that I didn't have and the things that I needed and wanted to have in my life. This series made me see that and I’m much better off without him. For once I'm happy.

I have made lots of great new friends (and have made other friendships stronger) because of my Twilight obsession.

Browsing History Pre-twilight: BBC, CNN, NYTimes, Huffington Post, Facebook.

Browsing History Post-twilight: Month one: BBC, CNN, NYTimes, stepheniemeyer, facebook. Month two: BBC, CNN, newmoonmovie, stepheniemeyer, facebook. Month three: BBC, twitarded, newmoonmovie.org, twicrackaddict. Month four: twitarded, newmoonmovie, twicrackaddict, rob pattinson news, laineygossip, Facebook? What I have real friends... So did you read the latest article about Robsten? Holy crap did you see the shirtless Rob pics!!... we have to post this on the blog... dammit, I fell out of my chair again.

I'm 47 yrs old, married, kid in college, one in 6th grade and I'm entering an on-line contest related to TWILIGHT!! And I WANT TO WIN...

I can't listen to the "Star-Spangled Banner" anymore without getting distracted & thinking about Edward Cullen ("...o'er the ramparts we watched at the TWILIGHT's last gleaming...").

I am listening to music again - the soundtrack pulled me out of talk-radio hell!

I am in constant fear of being reprimanded for inappropriate use of the internet while at work (this included).

I bought a coffee mug that has "Rob" on it, just in case he drops by. [Sometimes I think I want to marry our readers. Although my heart belongs to Mr. Snarky.]

Rain has never made me smile so much.

My dreams have ended up more like porno than anything.

I am unable to go through one day without Twilight. I have more tantrums than an old man getting pulled away from a tv while watching the Playboy Channel.

I look at people and think “He would make a great Edward.” Or “She is what I picture Alice to look like.”

It has expanded my vocabulary and given me a new interest in the classics.

My three year old son now has a love for Pop Tarts and cereal solely because this was all he was fed in the few days it took me to finish the Twilight series.

I have realized that Robert Pattinson could be scratching his ass, picking his nose, and belching out the words to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and I'd still feel the urge to rip his clothes off.

I'm now even prouder to drive a Volvo.

I feel strongly about saving the forests, because how else will Edward go running with me through the trees??

I smile more. Maybe the pictures of Robward have something to do with that.

I love my husband more. Guess I was taking him for granted after 15 years of marriage. Now every time I read Eclipse, I know I'm luckier than Bella. She had to choose between her best friend and her true love. My best friend is my true love.

Now my teenage son has a reason to roll his eyes at me. He would have anyway, so why not give him an excuse?

I think tall extremely pale and skinny guys are hot now.

When I see someone step into the sun, I check to see if they sparkle - seriously - and I'm always disappointed when they don't.

I sleep better now. If I ever wake up in the middle of the night stressing over work, bill or anything, I think about Edward and go back to sleep very happy.

I believe in love again.

...and vampires.

...and shape-shifters.

I've revised my list of items I would bring with me to a deserted island.

My family is showing symptoms of scurvy from malnutrition.

I'm probably going to develop cancer of the hand from constant Twilight-related iPhone usage.

I've spent so much time reading Twiporn that everything has a sexual connotation. (Damn right I wanna upsize that combo meal, Kevin.)

Prior to beginning the Twilight series, my husband had never uttered the phrase, "Not tonight, honey. I've got a headache." (Keep a wary eye for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)

I remember the day I bought my copy of Twilight better than the birth of my child.

I frequently have nightmares about all of my prized Twilight possessions in plastic bags marked as "Exhibit A" in my divorce proceedings/commitment hearing. (It's a crap shoot as to which will come first.)

Because I lust over 20-somethings on a daily basis, I am officially a creepy creeper. Oh the shame! I'm just like Demi Moore now. Sigh.

I'm down with the kids now. Just like Jacob's dad.

I now have common conversational ground if I ever get trapped in an elevator with class of middle schoolers.

I devour Twi-smut with a fervor that I did not know existed in me.

I think my husband is a little scared by my new-found libido. I think he is worried he can't keep up with me. Hee! Who would of thought after 20 years together and two kids?

I tried to go a day without Twilight once. I was asked to leave my own home.

It makes my walks with my dog more fun as I search for Edward in the woods behind my house.

I now actually have a YouTube account on which I, a 38 year-old married mother of two, posted a self-made video starring one Pocket Edward. [click to watch!]

My children have, at times, become a secondary priority in my daily routine.

My laptop has become my bedtime reading source....screw my book club books and all the lofty reading.

I now religiously read and comment on blogs with people I don't know and e-mail with people I don't know purely because we are mutually Twitarded (and I think they are really smart and funny, too!).

I also discuss things with said bloggy friends that I have only ever discussed with my closest friends, i.e. whether or not the husband got lucky last night, etc.

I have learned lots of new naughty words from Twitards.

I have re-kindled a piece of me that is silly, sarcastic, snarky, ridiculous, naughty, creative, playful, and funny and I love it.

I have risked my reputation professionally and personally by professing my love for Twilight...most people that really know me already know I am a total dork and accept my new-found obsession...the other people can go screw themselves.

I chose which friends I want to hang out with based on their level of Twilight knowledge and obsession.

I discovered that I am not ashamed to use my teenaged daughter as my "beard", allowing me to remain respectably in the closet. Even so far as inviting (dragging) her out on school nights to watch the 10pm showing of Twilight, after the rest of the family has gone to bed.

I have dreams about it. Vivid dreams that are so real I wake up shockingly disappointed that Edward is not sitting in my room watching me sleep.

I'm discovering the joys of mother-daughter bonding in this shared obsession from the silly (randomly texting her at the dinner table just to hear her "Let Me Sign" ringtone) to the embarrassing (entering the world of fan-fiction together, realizing what a "lemon" is, and having to explain words like "fellatio" --hey she's 18, I'd rather she heard it from me!).

I've turned into my own cock-block by mentioning Twilight.

I have trouble relating to anyone who has not read Twilight. I honestly lose all respect for a person, especially women, who either have not read or did not like Twilight. Once I discover their lack of Twitardedness, they could tell me the next winning lotto numbers and I wouldn't give a damn because they don't dream about Edward.

My work ethic has absolutely landed in the toilet. B.T. ["Before Twilight"] - I actually used to work at work, accomplish tasks in a timely, diligent manner. A.T. ["After Twilight"] - not so much. I actually find myself in a homicidal rage when customers and co-workers interrupt my OCD Blog reading/Twilight reading/Edward daydreaming shenanigans.I have been clinically diagnosed with O.E.C.D – Obsessive Edward Cullen Disorder (I’m still refusing medication).

I have repeatedly considered sending RPattz a fangirl letter or gifts...however, I repeatedly realize the absurdity of this and then feel embarrassed that I have even seriously considered it.

I do not know how to operate in day to day non-Twilight related activities. I feel incomplete, like a person whose lost a leg but still has the urge to scratch it.

I never fantasized about a fictional 17-year-old before, at least not since I was 17.

I never realized the term "Bite Me" could be a turn on.

Twilight has made me openly lust after another man in front of my husband.

I'm finally an "expert" on something...so what if it's a fictional world and a beautiful British boy?

I have "met" so many incredible people through the world of Twilight.

Twilight has made me use my own given name as a cheap pun... [Thanks, Amber!]

I have two t-shirts (one Team Edward & one Twilight) hanging in the back of my closet that I revere as much as my first born child.

I’ve made my eight year old daughter purchase copies of Tweenie magazines so I can have the RPattz pull-out posters.

I yearn for Edward to turn me into a vampire; however, my love of having a tan would be a hurdle (you all know brown fat is prettier than white fat so spare me the SPF lecture).

I have emailed several makers of adult toys to create and name a new vibrator called "The Edward" (sure to be a best seller).

I think the funniest thing I've learned out of all of my madness is that my husband is NOT down with "the list" of people who I get a free pass with in the bedroom (or you know, the pub if that should be where I run into Rob). He claims it's not really fair if I'm actively pursuing my star crush (booo!!!).

I have had to figure out ways to clean up spewed coffee, beer, wine, and often drool off my computer keyboard and monitor...good thing I am not a guy because it could be some other bodily fluids. ;)

I have become VERY posessive of my laptop at home...often sounding like a child..."Get off it, it is mine!"

Camping/hiking in the beautiful forests of Washington now causes visions of a certain vampire family...I, of course, keep these thoughts to myself. Cuckoo!

I took up the piano, Ok??!!Like I'm playing three hours a day, going to lessons, and I can play a pretty damn good version of Bella's Lullaby!

I am totally enjoying the accouterments of my high school goth days minus the hysterical awfulness of being a teenage girl.

I have divided my friends into "Twitards" and those who just don't get it. And then I learned to forgive those who just don't get it.

I don't know if I would recognize my old life in a lineup. And I can't bring myself to care.


We hope you enjoyed this as much as we did! Sorry it took us so long to get the list back to you, but when the emails started flooding in and we began working on "The 100 List" (as we've been referring to it), we fell head-over-heels ga-ga in love with it. It has been our baby these last few weeks, and we've been cooing at it and pampering it and tweaking it to make sure everything was "just so" because we really feel that together we've created something really amazing.

I think we'd be remiss if we didn't add our own thoughts to the list...

From Snarkier Than You:
I'm generally a fairly happy, positive person, but I don't remember the last time I was THIS happy, joyful, or gleefully obsessed with something [other than Mr. Snarky, natch]. Maybe never. Certainly not in my adult life.

I was forced to become more computer literate (thanks to those of you who have helped me out in this department!).

I laugh every day. Even when other things are going on that are sad or challenging or depressing, JJ's posts and the great comments and emails people leave us always cheer me up and make me laugh. Involuntarily and out loud.

I am lucky enough to not only have found something that makes me feel like a giddy, squeally teen again, I have found someone to hold hands with and be my tweeny-strength bff to share it with me. I love you in a mostly not lesbian way, Jenny (although if people keep telling you that you look like Robert Pattinson I may be forced to cross a line or three).

From Jenny Jerkface:
I started working out again just in case I bump into RPatts on the street.

I've stopped trying to curb my potty mouth and sewer mind. (Sorry, Mommy (not a)Jerkface, in case you're reading.)

I no longer wake up every weekday lamenting my job. I have now have something to look forward to.

Even though I always knew she rocked, this whole experience makes me love STY more and more every day. I am so happy that we decided to do this together and we have a blast, even when it's hectic and 'holy-shit-what-do-you-MEAN-you-erased-the-html-format?!' stressful. I always said I could never collaborate but that fucking bitch has proved me wrong.

And I think both Snarkier and I can agree that we've always been surrounded by talented artists and musicians but never felt we had anything to give to people. Until now. And it feels incredibly wonderful and gratifying.
Thank you for your submissions. We [heart] you all in mushy, Twitarded ways!


Snarkier & Jenny


Thanks to the following people who are out of the Twi-closet (or have a screen name)*:

Venusattwilight, Katie, Latchkey Wife, beaux angel, Honolulu Girl, Aunt_B, Mrs. Robinsane, whatwouldedwardcullendo, mmMoxie, Twilog Whitley, LaPushBaby, Mrs. M @ TwiSessed, a_boston, hairbrainedmom, Fire Crotch, Bitches, txag80, Katherine, VitaminR70, TwiFixx, I Punch Werewolves 4 Fun, Eyes of Amber, Limey_1996, Track 10, Scent Addict, Stuck In The Sticks, selketkrb, Jasmine, ApplesNFeathers, and Lily Guillotine.

*We obviously had a LOT help - from you! - putting this together. However, not everyone asked to be named. If you didn't ask or don't have an obvious screen name (in which case I included you) and want your name included here, please let me know. If I didn't link to your blog here and you want me to, send me an email!

P.S. We culled this list as much as we possibly could and it's still well over one hundred items long. The fist time I went through all of the entries, I chose 250 answers that I thought were fabulous, so it took a LOT of work to shorten it. And you can expect to see the rest of the responses in a future post. Or three.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A Twilight Confession from Jenny Jerkface

Takes a deep breathe...

I have a confession to make. I have to admit something and it may be shocking so you just might want to sit down while you read this.

I have never, ever been interested in a movie/celebrity/famous/infamous person before. Seriously.

Sure, I thought Johnny Depp was cute. I may have also had the hots for Emilio Estevez (DON'T GO THERE!) briefly when I was like twelve but I have never adorned my walls with pictures of these celebrities nor have I ever bought a Tiger Beat, Teen Beat or any kind of magazine like that. The first time an US Weekly or a People magazine even crossed the threshold of my living quarters was when STY brought them over.

I don't recall smoking copious amounts of crack when I was 12 but I must have to find this guy hot...

When NKOTB were all the rage I was listening to The Violent Femmes, Descendants and Nine Inch Nails. I mean, have you seen those guys? Trent Reznor being the exception, those dudes were NOT easy on the eyes. And the fact that I didn't like NKOTB solidified my title, 'the biggest fucking loser in middle school. EVER.' which made me hate them more. Screw you, Marky Mark, or whoever was in that band. I'll show you 'the right stuff', you dumb bastards. Thanks for making my torturous, awkward teenage years even shittier.

Clearly, I am now making up for lost time.

In a recent conversation I had with Mommy (not a)Jerkface about set-stalking, she admitted she was perplexed by my behavior but disagreed when I suggested that perhaps I'm finally having that total psychotic breakdown I've been expecting for some years now.

"You're just... regressing," she said.

"Yeah, but I never did shit like this as a kid, did I?" I replied.

"I remember you wanting to dress like Cyndi Lauper. Honestly, I never knew what the hell you were thinking. You were just in your own weird little world. And you used to write on everything - your walls, the furniture, clothes, and yourself. Between that and Brother Jerkface throwing knives at the walls... You were just very anti-everything as a kid. We used to call you Jenny Contrary."

[I get the feeling my parents probably called me more names than just that but that's fodder for another post. Or a visit to a shrink]

Regardless, I am currently going through my celebrity-crush phase now. I know it's a little late for this (about fifteen years too late) but I'm too deep in to stop now. As you can probably surmise, I've got it B-A-D.

Damn you, Rob Pattinson and your sexy... everything. Damn you for playing a brooding dangerous vampire. Thanks to you, I now have your beautiful face plastered on every computer I own. And let's not forget that I carry a fucking doll in your likeness around with me everywhere I go. What have you done to me?

I visit sites like this just to look at you. I Google-image your name at least once a day, just to look at you.

For crying out loud, I've literally salivated over pictures of you. I have more pictures of you saved on my computer than I have of myself or ML combined! The fuck?

I'm thirty one years old and I have posters of you!! I have fucking posters of you in my office!! Robward, I'm old enough to have an office and it looks like some fourteen year old snuck in there while I was passed out drunk and plastered the walls with photos of YOU!

But it wasn't a fourteen year old.

It was me.

Fuck me.
I'm glad I'm your first, true celebrity crush, Jenny. Let's make out...

P.S. STY and I love to leave little notes to each other in our posts and this is what I found in this one...

I swear if I ever see him I am afraid that I will try to tackle him like that dumb cunt a few weeks back and then I will have to leave the Twidom... sigh... how is he so FUCKING HOT?! I am too old for this shit but I am glad that I am nuts enough not to give a rat's ass about propriety...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Does Your Anchorman Dazzle You?

I love Deviantart. Sure sometimes they make fun of Twilight, but what the hell - we're all good sports and it's still funny stuff...


Created by sailorptah.

[*Sorry, Keith Olbermann, no fanfic for you...]

Friday, June 26, 2009

Calling All Twitards! TwiCrack Addict Needs YOU!

Send out the TwiSignal - TwiCrack Addict needs our help!!! [What would the TwiSignal look like, anyway? A silhouette of Robward's chiseled jawline shining, nay - sparkling! - like a beacon across the night sky?] That's right: one of our most favoritest bloggy friends is officially at wit's end and needs someone (or maybe "someones") to assist in the completely and utterly gratifying task of bringing Twigoodness to the masses. And when I say "masses," I'm being literal: in case you don't spend as much time on TwiCrack's blog as I do, she just topped 1,ooo followers and surpassed three million hits a couple of weeks back (and is now well on her way to four mil - woot!). Go TwiCrack Addict!

But with fame comes a price (just ask RPatts!): understandably, TCA is a tad overwhelmed lately... Who wouldn't be? Even for a self-proclaimed "obsessive compulsive blogger," that's a lot for one person to manage, regardless of how turbo-charged and uber-dedicated a Twi-crack dealer she may be.

In case you missed it, here's her S.O.S. post from earlier this week:

Seeking 'Summer Intern': Looking for My Bloggy Soulmate

Wanted: Yin to my Yang

Anybody addicted to TwiCrack enough to work for free? :-)

After months of solo-blogging, my inbox is totally out of control, my affiliate requests have gone unanswered for *months* (so sorry everybody), and in simple terms, I'm just a mess.

Consequently, I'm looking for a 'Summer Intern' who shares my bloggy philosophy, is funny as Hale, and who may be willing to help me out with updating and maintaining my blog this summer.

So, I'm holding my own 'auditions' for a bloggy-buddy who is willing to commit to helping me out over the next month or so. If you are interested in taking your Twilight obsession to another level and think that you share a complementary vision for blogging, please email me at twicrackaddict [at] gmail.com with 'Summer Intern' in the subject title!



Here's how I see it: not technically savvy? Don't count yourself out just yet. You can learn how to use Bogger in no time flat. I am living proof. I may not be waving around my "Technotard" card with the same proud fervor that I do my "Twitarded" card, but believe me, I am a member of both clubs. What you CANNOT teach someone is how to be clever, diligent, witty, savvy, intelligent, and dare I say, a little pinch of obsessed might not be a bad thing.

To my point: I've been privy to some fantastic, hysterical, unequivocally brilliant emails from you guys, to say nothing of the snortle-worthy comments you leave on our posts (let's just say that I need to keep a roll of paper towels next to my computer, too - touche). And I think the answer to TwiCrack's prayers is right here at Twitarded.

So what are you gonna do about it?

This is a rare opportunity, folks: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone with a blog as popular as TwiCrack's holding what is essentially an open casting call. So show her what you've got! And between you and me, she's not going to be able to pick someone based on an email that says "Pick MEMEMEMEME!! I LOVE Twilight!!!". In my life outside of the Twiblogosphere, I know a thing or two about putting the right person in the right job. Consequently, I realize it might be tough for her to find the Edward to her Bella, the Cagney to her Lacey, the Calvin to her Hobbs, the Starsky to her Hutch, the Sodom to her Gomorrah...well, you get the idea. But TCA is awesome and she's been a great friend to Twitarded, so let's do this thing!

As perhaps the only Twiblogger without a Twilight Google news alert [although I get the general gist, I don't know squat about Google news alerts], I can't help you stay abreast of breaking news. But let's face it: most of you guys are staying on top of that stuff anyway. So how about putting your hobby into overdrive??? You know you want to...

Here's my advice: find a cool/cute/funny bit of Twilight news and make a faux/mock post out of it. Just to show her you've got the chops for this stuff (and I know you do!). Pick a clever title, include a relevant image, and write a few lines TCA-style. Then send it to twicrackaddict@gmail.com with the words "Twitards for TCA" in the subject line.

YOU CAN DO THIS: now go represent. Don't let us down! If TwiCrack imprints on one of you and you make beautiful blog together, I promise I'll reward you with some sort of Twitarded-meets-TwiCrack present!

P.S. Since I am not as diplomatic as TwiCrack, a few helpful hints:

If you are heading off to summer camp next week or maybe need to clear something like this with your parents, maybe wait a few years before throwing your hat in the ring.

If you are physically incapable of writing a sentence without invoking "The Seven Dirty Words," this may not be the gig for you. You don't need to be too clean, but maybe a little cleaner than what passes for acceptable at Twitarded.

Ditto if you don't know the difference between "to" and "too," "your" and "you're," "there" and "their"...well, you get the point.

Now GO! Make us proud!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mini Edward Learns How to Prepare For Emergencies

So, not too long ago my company attempted to fill it's employees' heads with unfounded fear and terror by forcing us to go to "Emergency Training." They must have forgotten that, um, this is New York and New Yorkers ain't afraid of 'nuthin. I was only slightly afraid, but that's because I'm from Jersey. Our balls aren't quite at big as New Yorkers.

Oh noes! Pandemics! Natural Disasters! Oh my! **

Anyhoo, we all got to gather in the big ol' conference room and listened to some ex-FBI dude tell us what we should and shouldn't do in case some bad people try to bomb the city or release some kind of biological weapon into the air (Pstttttp - if you see things blowin' up... run like a mothertrucker - the other way).

I was thinking, since RPattz is in town that maybe he and I should get together so I can discuss what I've learned in this very informative seminar. It just may save his life!

First off, they're bringing back the duck and cover. Apparently, you're not supposed to run to the nearest window and totally rubber neck when you hear a massive explosion. Bummer. But, between you and me, I'll totally duck and cover with RPattz.

Edward ducks and covers...

You are also, as I erroneously suggested during the meeting, NOT supposed to step over (or on!) an injured co-worker during an evacuation. Or kick them when they are down (in my defense, I didn't suggest this - another co-worker did).

Things got a little hinky after Coworker A offered to use Coworker P's head as a battering ram should we ever need to break down any doors but FBI dude took it all in stride. A cool character, that one. Though he did laugh when I told Coworker A I'd totally 'fireman carry' her down four flights of stairs, despite the fact that she's about ten inches taller than me and about 200 pounds heavier. I'm He-Man like that sometimes, ya know?

We had to explain to Mr. FBI Dude that we were taking this seminar seriously, despite our messing around. It's not our fault - we are infrastructure, which is the corporate equivalent to being a Baboon. We're loud, annoying and rude. If our company could find a way to keep us corraled on our floor, with no access to any other floors, they would. In fact, I'm pretty sure they'd make us go through the back entrance if they could get away with it.

** One of my coworkers walked by my prison cell cube as I was taking this picture, gave me the squirrely eye, and said, 'you still playing with that damn doll? You fucking crazy.' Sigh. What makes this even funnier to me is that they don't know about this blog - they just think I'm doing it for my own amusement.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Who Says Twilight Lovers Aren't Funny?

It’s no secret that we here at Twitarded can be a bit obsessive. And one of the things we loooove to look at (besides Twismut, Twilight blogs, Twilight fan fiction, Twilight merchandise and any news regarding Twilight, Rob Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone and Taylor Lautner but not until February) is our Sitemeter. I could lie and say it’s because we want to keep on top of everything but it’s really in the vain and utterly pathetic hope that Rob Pattinson is laughing his ass off at our antics (and I will immediately recognize his IP address. Yeah. Right). Or, after a particular poopy post, possibly calling his attorney to get a restraining order on me (fair enough).

Anyhoo, as I’m scrolling through the links I stumble across one that I had never seen before - SocialLuxe Lounge, which sounded pretty darn interesting. I mean, I'm social(ly inept) and lounges are synonymous with booze so it sounded right up my drunken alley. So, I clicked away to see what it’s all about.

BlogLuxe Awards? What in holy hell is this?! I scroll down through the categories, Cleanest Blog (definitely not us), Most Inspiring (not unless inspiring someone to take a shit in RPattz’s trailer counts) and, oh wait, Funniest Blog. Hmmm, I know I tend to wander more on the delusional side of my life but I think we're pretty fucking funny. And, holy-vampsicle-custard!!! We've been nominated!!

Suhweet!! When I’m done doing the happy dance in my chair (which probably looks like a cross between me dry humping an imaginary friend and having a seizure of some sort at the same time) and squealing ‘fuck yeah!’ under my breath a couple of times, I check out our competition. And start laughing. And I mean with them, not at them. No matter who wins, we're in good company here.

Um, CakeWrecks, anyone? That is some seriously funny shit. I’ve spent more than a few hours pissing my pants over some of those pictures. Hell, we even link to them on our site and they have NOTHING to do with Twilight! Except for this picture from their site. If you haven't checked them out you really should.

The decorator fucking HATED Twilight. I swear it...

But we’re too excited that someone even considered us to worry about our competition. We’re cool that we’ll probably ending up eating the dust of more than a few hysterical blogs. Let's face it - it comes with the Twitarded territory. No worries though; we’ll probably end up doing the online version of writing their names and phone numbers on the virtual bathroom wall when everything’s said and done. I ain’t called Jerkface for nothing…

I have to be honest here - I haven't read a single other blog that is up for the same award as this one. It's not because I'm a snotty twatwad or anything like that. I mean, I plan on it. It's just because not a single one of them pertains to Twilight.

Oh. Mah. Gahd. We're the only Twilight themed blog up for nomination!! Do you know what this means, fellow Twitards? It means we're infiltrating their non-Twilight little lives. Buhwahaha... [rubs hands together like I imagine Rosalie doing when Bella's all sorts of knocked up...]

So, vote for us (rules here) and show everyone that we Twitards are a force to be reckoned with! We won't take anything less than being in the top... 100 (I have motivation problems, I think).

Obey my will and vote for Twitarded...

But what other blogsite has stories about fecal matter, grown women making complete and utter asses out of themselves AND pornography? Huh, huh?

I want to thank whoever nominated us for this bloggy distinction. I have to admit, it’s exciting that our little insular Twi-world is getting recognition. And about time! There is a stigma about being a 30+ chick who digs Twilight and it’s time we show the rest of the boring lame world that we Twitards are funny, smart and like to talk about sex and bodily functions. We’re sort of like a twelve year old boy, sixteen year old girl and a thirtyish woman all rolled up in one body. But not nearly as horrifying. Well, maybe...

Soooo. Please vote for us!! You can vote every single day! It would make us all mushy and gushy inside and maybe RPattz will finally realize that he's turned on by our antics, poopy jokes and pornography. Click the button below. Make all us Twitards proud to be... well, fucking Twitards!

And in case you've forgotten, we always have this fine... yummy man...

Not again! Who keeps poopin' in my gah damn trailer? NOW I iz really REALLY sad...