Thursday, December 30, 2010

Robert Pattinson Strokes His Trunk

I had a few ideas of what I wanted to write about tonight but all that shot straight out the fucking window when Latchkey Wife sent me some pictures and my vagina screamed "FORGET THE POOP JOKES, YOU STUPID BITCH. LOOK AT THESE PICTURES!!!" And then I spontaneously began to ovulate.

The vagina must always be obeyed. Besides, it wasn't the only twat on this blog that wanted to drool over these pictures. Again and again and again.

I wish my hand was resting on his neck. Or inside his pants.

Want to know why RPattz is looking so smug in this picture? Because his trunk is bigger than the elephant's.

Want more? Go to Robsessed for the rest!

So far, pretty much every picture of RPattz from Water for Elephants has made me swoon, which isn't really that difficult to do but regardless... Even if this movie blows (which I don't think it will), at the very least I'll have roughly two hours of smokin' hot eye candy to keep me busy.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lip Gloss... And Its Many Uses.

I was rifling through the bag of goodies I scored at my mother-in-law's house over Christmas...making sure nothing of value was being overlooked, when I came across a tube of pink bubble gum flavored lip gloss. Um, ok, I'm 40, not 7. I've never been a big lip gloss fan. ChapStick - yes, lip gloss - no. Sure I love the way it makes my lips look all shimmery and kissable (you hear that RPattz... KISSable!) but what bothers me about the whole thing is the flavor. Anything flavored on my lips is gonna get licked off within seconds of application. And that spells chapped lips, which ain't attractive or comfortable. Especially when it's like 20 degrees out.

Yup... kissable, lickable, fuckable... pretty much just awesome. And my lips would never look like this with all the lip gloss in the world!

So it got me to thinking, maybe Mr. Latchkey Wife would like my bubble gum flavored lips and maybe he'd want to kiss me more. If there's one thing we don't do a lot of, it's make out. He actually told me he's not a big fan of kissing... what the WHAT? That's just preposterous if you ask me! No joke, I actually scolded him more than once, telling him to "kiss me like he fucking likes me." I'm wondering if bubble gum flavored lips might make him change his tune? Although it could backfire on me and I won't be able to keep him off me. Dude, I'm trying to watch television...Geez.

Kiss me like this dammit. Oh, and can you look like him too?

And then I saw a new hot fucking outtake of Robert Pattinson and wondered if he likes bubble gum flavored lips? Because when you get right down to it, isn't that more important? If I could just lure him in with my shiny, lickable lips, he'd really have no chance at escaping my clutches. Could bubble gum lip gloss be the new RPattz bait? You know I'll definitely take one for the team to prove this theory to be true. Someone's got to do it.

He loves me... he really, really loves me! Sorry ladies.

I'm willing to experiment with the bubble gum flavored lip gloss if he wants. I mean, seriously... does it have to be just for lips, er, well, the lips on my face anyway? Why can't it be nip gloss, or clit gloss? Honestly, if the guy wants to lick it off any part of my body, I'll be rapidly applying. I may need to buy stock in Rimmel Royal Gloss in Bubble Blush because chances are, I'm going to blow through this little tube in about 17 seconds if Rob is licking it off my body. I may have to write to Rimmel and ask them to just deliver a swimming pool full of the stuff so I can just immerse myself and let the licking commence.

Like this, only picture the jello as bubble gummy, gooey lip stuff.

Did Santa bring you any little item you think may be the answer to your Rob-luring prayers? Maybe Hot Pocket scented shampoo? Or Heineken flavored body lotion? I only pray that the Preh-tay loves bubble gum because this shit has got to be good for something!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Twilight Fans vs Other Fandoms: A Cage Match

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but this is the first fandom with which I've ever been involved. I lurved me some Firefly back in the day (OMG why did they cancel that show?!!), but I've never sought out any other fans of the series. I've never read a book, seen a movie or listened to any music that made me think 'I must talk to someone about this right the fuck noooow!' Until Twilight. Fan fiction was a foreign concept to me. Fan blogs—whazzat? Conventions—like where losers get dressed up and shit? No thanks. Like Aladdin and his damn carpet, Twilight opened up a whole new world for me.

It's been brought to my attention that other fandoms exist. (I know. I didn't care either, but stay with me here.) Some people who shall remain nameless, but who frequently star in my nightmares, introduced me to Titanic fan fiction and Spongebob slash fanfic. I'll spare you the details as my therapist has urged me to repress the memories. Unfortunately, today one of the other fandoms crossed the line. The real Justin Bieber started following @Donnersun on Twitter. Donnersun is a loyal Twitard, but something about her lured in the head Belieber. Yes, his fans call themselves Beliebers. Now she has a whole slew of "true Beliebers" following her. This unchecked aggression will not stand.

Where is the Whack-a-Mole mallet when you need it?

How would Twilight fans fare against other rabid fans? Let's break this down.

Beliebers vs Twilight Fans

I'm assuming Twilight fans are generally older than the Beaver kid's fans. I'm basing this assumption off the fact that being a Twi fan requires reading skills. I know nothing about this kid's music, but I do know potty training isn't even a prerequisite. They may be younger and spry, but we are merciless and armed with battle-hardened ninja skills. Plus, we're not weighed down by shit pants. Sure, they can commit crimes in the name of the Beav and have it wiped from their juvenile records. On the flip side, we don't need our moms to drive the getaway station wagon.I recently took a quiz at The Oatmeal about how many Justin Biebers I could take in a fight. Twenty-eight, bitches. Twenty-eight. Suck on that. We win.

Trekkies vs Twilight Fans

Save for the impending zombie apocalypse, I don't ever see a time when Twilight and Star Trek fans would clash. We poke a lot of fun here at the Twilight costumes. Alice may be dressed like Lil' Lord Fauntelroy, but Trekkies wear unitards. Unitards, I say. Also, they rely on laser guns and weapons from the future for protection. Last time I checked, tearing a person apart and burning the pieces will kill you in any era. We win.

I will smash your phaser and spike your head on the ground like it's my job.

Star Wars Fans vs Twilight Fans

I'm pretty much signing my own death certificate here by attacking lovers and haters of the Galactic Empire. Go big or go home, I say. Twilight is so far superior to the space western, I don't even know where to begin.

The 'hold on tight, spidermonkey' pose: they did it first.

Twilight did it better.

While Twilight fans are busy being awesome, Star Wars fans are busy looking for droids and trying to bed their Jedi sisters. I will admit that I wrote most of the Going Down? one-shot with Star Wars playing in the background. Darth Vader almost made a couple of unintentional cameos. Star Wars and sexy times don't mix. Let's take this down to the brass tacks. Twilight fans are getting laid. A lot. Star Wars fans are pinning all their hopes on sex robots. We win.

Other fandoms, take note: You are our bitch now.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Mother Nature Takes a Dump on the East Coast and My Eclipse Plans are Thwarted

So, yesterday and early this morning, Mother Nature decided to be a total cunt and beat the shit out of us by dumping about 28 inches of snow on New Jersey.

Also, it was death snow.

Snowflakes are not unique and beautiful. They're actually mini skulls of death and despair.

Anyway, ML and I were all excited because we react to shit like this just like every other adult - we get drunk and throw snowballs at each other. In the house. Plus, as we watched the snow getting deeper and deeper, we both knew there wasn't a chance in hell either of was going into the office today. Thanks, Mother Nature!!

ML's car last night.

There is something warm and cuddly about being snowbound. Warm coffee, grilled cheese sandwiches and forced interactions are what snow days are all about. So last night I grabbed my Edward blankie and hunted ML down.

Me - "Let's watch the Eclipse video you got me for Christmas."
ML - "Um, no."
Me - "C'mon, please?"
ML - "I'd rather gnaw on broken glass. No."
Me - "We can watch it with the commentary. Robert Pattinson says "boobs" in it."
ML - "Why don't I just say boobs in a British accent and call it a day?"
Me - "C'mooooooooooon!!! Please?"
ML - "Actually, how about you show me your boobs?"
Me - "Will you watch Eclipse with me if I do?"
ML - "Nope."
Me - "You suck. Drink a bowl of herpes."

Then me and my blankie sulked our way down to my office, where we finished watching Season five of Weeds and plotted our revenge on ML.

Don't piss off the Edward blanket. You don't want to see him angry. It's... ugly.

I actually like watching the movies with ML, mainly because it's like having my own personal Rifftrax commentary. A few weeks ago I forced him watch New Moon with me. I even made him cuddle under the Edward blankie and ignored the long suffering sighs that followed shortly thereafter. ML was in full agreement that Edward should kill himself throughout the entire movie, thought Bella was short for "bellowed" after he watched the whole "I'm-screaming-in-my-sleep-but-actually-making-a-really-inhuman-sound" scenes.

This is actually somewhat similar to how I get ML to watch the Twilight movies with me.

And he wanted to know why no one thought it was weird that a bunch of dudes wandered around the Olympic Peninsula shirtless, regardless of the weather.

So it's really ML's fault that I make him watch the movies. If he actually enjoyed them, I probably wouldn't even ask him to watch them.

Because I'm a nice girlfriend like that.

Edward: Bella, Eclipse was so hot I want to leg hitch you for all of eternity. Or until we get married, anyway. Then I want to have wicked vampy sex and possibly stick my icy cold peen in your pooper.

Did any of you spend your holiday/blizzard watching anything Twilighty? Did you have an S/O (or kid or unwitting neighbor) that watched with you? Maybe more importantly, how do you get your unwilling movie-viewing partner to sit through 124-ish minutes of a Twilight movie? Blow jobs? Blackmail? Roofies? Inquiring minds want to know. Unless it was really graphic and/or involved medical instruments. Oh, who am I kidding? We probably want to hear about it anyway.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Very Twilighty Christmas

I know not everyone celebrates Christmas and those of you who do not are probably like "enough already!" but what can I say? It's a big part of what's going in in my neck of the woods these days, so please continue to humor us and know that we'll move on sooner or later... Or send us photos of your Twilight-themed Hanukkah bush...or your sparkly Robert Pattinson Festivus pole... [Note from JJ: OMG, I would LOVE to see that.]

As it does in almost everything, Twilight continued to sneak its way into my life this Christmas. And it was a welcomed presence. I might not have set up a Twilight-themed Christmas tree in my Twitarded lair (I actually don't have a lair, and we didn't do a tree this year at all because we didn't get around to it and I don't have a huge apartment), but it made its presence known nonetheless. My in-laws are not privy to this blog; I would love to out myself but I can't palate the thought of them reading about some of the things I write here (as it is, I have scarred Sister Snarky for life with some of my over-sharing).

Nevertheless, the subject of Twilight inevitably comes up at family gatherings. They may not know I write a blog about it, but it's no secret that I am a fan. Somehow, my mother-in-law (who is awesome and doing her part to dispel evil mother-in-law stereotypes) even managed to get me some Twilighty merch that I didn't even know existed - score!

Also, physical evidence that I am the worst Twi-blogger evah.
They come in a mini-lunchbox! How could I have not known this was out there?!

Also, my eleven-year-old niece is definitely Team Jacob. Which I am totally down with because it reduces the potential creep-factor of having a mutual Twilighty crush with my eleven-year-old niece by about a gazillion. Because, really? Who wants to share a crush with your niece? If she was Team Edward, shit might have been weird.

Blurry evidence of Team Jake.
Sorry, but I was fleeing the scene of the photo-taking crime as I snapped this.

So did you get anything Twilighty for Christmas? Or otherwise have anything awesome happen? I have to admit that while the mints made me smile for the last day or so, I am also thrilled that I got tickets to go see "Wicked" on a Saturday night in a few weeks. I have somehow - inexplicably - managed to remain a Broadway virgin in my life thus far, and Sister Snarky and I have orchestra seats. Plus I am reasonably sure that this is the theater equivalent of having your "first time" be with RPatts. Or Edward. Or something like that... Anyway...

So how did you spend the holidays? Highlights? Lowlights? Just glad it's almost over? I'm semi-thankful for the "JMFHF it's a Nor'easter!!!" thing going on in the northeast right now - it's a very handy excuse to hole up and watch a good movie... Or a bad one that you love.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Humor... Twitarded Style!

The Twitarded Team would like to wish all you twat waffles a very Happy and Safe Holiday season! And just in case you are reading us on Christmas Eve.... here are some funnies... with a little Twitarded twist! You know we're not happy without the twist!

I'm not gonna lie... this was almost me after our tree fell over 4 times while trying to put the damn thing up. Needless to say, we have no wreath on the front door.

Playing to roll of bauble whore #1 and bauble whore #2 - Texas Katherine and Snarkier Than You.

Uhhhhh... a mother's worst nightmare?

I'm pretty sure this has scarred me for life and I will never be able to look at Santa again without throwing up in my mouth a little.

What life would be like if Jenny Jerkface was Santa Clause. What a shitty thought!

Santa at the Cullen house. Doesn't he know they don't sleep?

Santa channeling Fifty Shades...?

Is this Rudolph or Mr. Latchkey Wife in disguise?

Why Jenny Jerkface doesn't go to company Christmas parties.

I was looking for a reason to quit drinking eggnog because of the calorie content. I think I just found it.

And by St. Nicholas, I think she really means Robert Pattinson.

Rob wants you to unwrap his sparkly package.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Why Does Edward Cullen Always Leave?

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.* There's been a catastrophe of epic proportions in the TK household. I'm like a moon without a planet right now, lost and adrift in the infinite universe. There's really no other way to say it.

Edward Cullen left me.

I've filed missing person reports. I've retraced my steps. I scream his name in the dead of night. I've finally come to realize he may never return. It's like a hole has been punched through my heart. The last time I saw him he was writing a school tuition check for me. God, he was so helpful. He was hard and solid, the perfect weight; he never skipped. It was always easy to see his pale face shining like a lighthouse in the bottom of my purse. Now he's gone. For good, I fear.

Edward Cullen pen, you...don't...want me?

I have to keep moving. If I stop looking for him, it is over. Love, life, meaning… over.Because there is just one thing that I have to believe to be able to live—I have to know that he existed. That is all. Everything else I can endure. So long as he existed.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it's a hard line to walk. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he is out there, somewhere. I have to believe that. I've asked everyone for help locate him. I need him. The Target that sold him into indentured servitude with me is 5 hours away. I can't find another one anywhere. Besides, I want MY Edward back. I'll stop at nothing.

"You know where he is! Tell me! Tell me, or I'll style your hair!"

Bella, can you get off your ass & help me find my pen? Wash your hands first.

It never made sense for him to love me. I always knew that. I just didn't think he would leave me. I thought I'd still be writing with him until I was old and grey. I truly believed my age would never matter to him. I pictured him in my wrinkly hand, drawing clean lines into perpetuity. Now, it's ended before we had even really begun.

"He left you here all alone. Without a writing instrument."

When I initially realized he was missing, I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure I was dreaming. I was more careful with that pen than I was my car keys. (Has anyone seen those, by the way?) How could this happen? I have everyone on the hunt for it. I want no stone unturned.

Thanks a heap, Sam. Now did you happen to see my fucking PEN while you were in wolf mode?

I hope there's some granola bars in that backpack because you can't come home without my damn pen.

I've never been to Italy, Bella, but I appreciate the initiative.

"I haven't found your pen yet, TK, but I'll keep looking. It's down here somewhere."

Edward pen, if you read this—come home.

*This post is riddled with quotes from New Moon. I don't claim ownership in any way. I can't even claim ownership of a damn Edward pen anymore. Please don't sue me, SM. I need all my money to buy a replacement pen and 99 backup replacement pens.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree... You Better Look Perfect. Or Else. Helloooo OCD...

Ah yes, the holiday season. Like many of you, I'm up to my eyeballs getting ready for the epic battle known as Christmas.

I might as well come clean here--Christmas makes me kind of cranky. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy who has thirty-two inflatable Santas and so many Christmas lights you can see his house from Mars. At least I don't have to squint to see the road sign when I need to turn down his street.

Thanks to this guy, the aliens have pinpointed the location of Earth from outer space and are coming to search and destroy. You ruined mankind, Mr. Christmas Lights Guy!!

Let's face it - I'm an asshole. Patience is a concept that escapes me and mall crowds amp up my stress to a killing-spree level. While I love spending time with the family and gorging myself on food for days on end, for the most part, I can take or leave Christmas. I make Ebenezer Scrooge look like fucking Santa Claus.

If I see this bitch at my front door Christmas Eve, she's getting a swift kick right in her "Christmas present." And I'm hiding the toaster.

But I get a few days off from work and have an excuse to drink before five so there's that.

Now wait--before you think I'm just sitting here, gleefully taking a piss all over your cockle-warming holiday joy, I'm not. Despite my general bah-humbug-ness toward the holidays, there is one thing that I truly enjoy and look forward to every year.

The Christmas tree.

My mother fucking Christmas tree. And it's not crooked so don't even go there. I was leaning funny to get the picture.

And by "enjoy" I mean "totally obsess over the placement of lights, ornaments and doodads to the point where I become a raging homicidal maniac."

ML used to help me with the tree but he stopped a few years ago because I apparently crushed his Christmas spirit or something. Whatever. It's not like he has proof or anything.

I'm a jerk. And RIP Gizmo aka chicken

I suppose the Christmas tree is one of those traditions I feel compelled to carry on. I loved the tree as a little kid, even more so when there were oodles of presents stuffed under enough. As a teenager, it was practically a religious fucking experience to get baked and lie down under the tree and stare at all the twinkly lights that Mommy (not a)Jerkface spent hours putting up.

I was lying under the tree getting attacked by ornaments trying to take this picture when ML walked into the living room, watched as a four pound ornament of Hagrid crushed my sternum and asked me if I was taking up pot smoking. I shit you not. Also, the view is not that amazing when you're not sixteen and stoned. Just sayin'.

Frankly, I was always baffled at how long it took my mother to set up the Christmas tree but then the OCD [STY's note - don't you mean CDO??] I clearly inherited from her kicked in when I was in my mid-twenties and I found myself up at two in the morning, crying because I couldn't get the fucking lights "just right."

I'm not very religious so I'm not sure why the Christmas tree is so absurdly important to me. Seriously, the last time I stepped foot in a church was for a wedding and ML's friend leaned over and whispered, "I thought they didn't let your kind in here." And I told him to fuck off and ML covered his face with his hands because he thinks I'll disappear and not embarrass the shit out of him when he does that. He's wrong.

And apparently you're not supposed to tell someone to fuck off in a church. Even if you are whispering.

At any rate, I guess this is a long roundabout way of one asshole saying "happy holidays" to a bunch of wonderful, amazing and snarky-as-hell twats.


Now get off of my lawn.

Texts From Robert Pattinson.

I love Texts From Last Night. Sitting at work and have thirty seconds to dash off somewhere and crack up??? This is the "Short Attention Span Theater" of online diversions... Plus it's the equivalent of watching "Intervention" or something like that - it's oddly reassuring and you can feel good while telling yourself "well I'm not THAT bad!" As an added bonus, it makes me genuinely happy that I am not in my late teens or early twenties, since apparently blowjobs and sexual favors are the new currency of everything and you can't realistically expect to pass a class without the help of questionably-obtained pharmaceuticals (if you have kids this age and have never read TFLN, do yourself a HUGE favor and don't start now.).

But the other day I saw a text that got me thinking - as most things do eventually - about how it might relate to Twilight, Twitarded, and Robert Pattinson...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
JJ, I know you would totally suck the hot sauce out of my beard.
Meet me behind In-N-Out Burger at twelve...

Naturally, this led to me looking at pretty much all the submissions on TFLN and wondering what if the really WERE sent in by Rob? And Kristen? And their friends? Or about Rob and Kristen??? And...well, you get the general gist.

[Note: all texts were lifted verbatim from TFLN - I just got a little creative with the who-sent-what-to-who-about-who bits. If you know what I mean...]

Early, pre-Twilight text from Robert Pattinson:
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Early RPatts text sent while hanging out with the fam:
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Text we hope was never sent by RPatts to anyone:
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephenie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephenie once more; 6am-get to the airport. [OK, I changed the spelling of "Stephenie" here. Artistic license and all that...]
Sent to TomStu while sleeping on his agent's sofa in LA:
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sent to TomStu and friends when he first met Kristen Stewart:
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Early Kristen "er I still have a boyfriend and need convincing to leave him" exchange with RPatts:
RPatts: i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
KStew: My vagina agrees.

Kristen after a sordid ride in his trash-filled old beemer:
It took 5 minutes to find my bra... in his car.
Shorty thereafter, a text from Kristen to a friend:
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
...aaaand another couple, from the next few days:
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success.
think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A text sent by RPatts to KStew a little later on in their relationship:
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?

RPatts texting on going out incognito after the paparazzi started stalking him:
if there's anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
One or two from from late-nite-possibly-not-sober RPatts:
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

What we would all text if LKW's Christmas wish came true:
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What we all hope she would text immediately afterward:
I was choking and even did the sign for it...And he continued to just laugh
And possibly this one for all of us fanfic fans...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous. [sigh]

Unrelated to RPatts and KStew, but what some lucky Twitard will be texting in the next day or two:
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.

"Big Smile" indeed. Snarky-Claus put the GBoDs in the mail today!