Friday, January 29, 2010

RPatts, Is That You???

Holy fucking mother of crap wtf IS that?!

So I got home from work yesterday and was futzing around in the kitchen doing the usual when my cell phone rang ("the usual" = feeding the cat, putting away groceries, cooking some dinner, making a much-needed cocktail--not necessarily in that order). I didn't recognize the number but I'm trying to not be a jerk who only answers when it's a number I know, so I answered it. I heard some noise, but nobody said anything (and did I mention that I REALLY needed a cocktail?), so I hung up.

A few moments later, the the following texty conversation took place (and for the sake of argument and more importantly my mental health, we'll be calling the mystery texter "Probably RPatts"):

Probably RPatts: Hi-bo-miss-u.

Snarkier Than You: idk who u r...wrong#? [I normally spell stuff out when I text but I REALLY needed to wrap this up and get to that cocktail]

PR: No-its-your-bo.

STY: [resisting temptation to tell them it's spelled "boo"] Sorry dude (or chick) i don't have a "bo"

PR: But-u-love-bo...

aaaaand then things got REALLY weird because just as I was about to text back "Look, I was trying to be nice but I don't know who you are you fucking imbecile, so stop texting me and it's 'BOO'!" the next next thing I knew I was looking at a picture of somebody's penis. I know, right?! I think I shrieked a little bit when I realized what I was looking at...

Actual [not an]artist's rendering of the penis picture sent to my cell phone.
(Ok I drew this...well, "traced" really...no kidding!)

Soooo... Apparently "bo" is short for "boner" (they say you learn something new every day and it's totally true! Whether you want to or not...). I tried to confirm this on Urban Dictionary but wtf "bo" means a million random things. Who knew?

Anyway, the REAL pic was actually kinda creepy. It was grainy and veiny. At first I laughed and was two seconds away from forwarding it to Jenny Jerkface so she could freak out, too, but then Mr. Snarky caught wind of the situation and he was NOT amused.

Mr. Snarky can be...paranoid. It's a good thing he uses his super-powers for good and not evil because he'd probably make an awesome villain. And he...feels very protective of me. So when I showed him the picture, he didn't think it was funny AT ALL.

Mr. Snarky: I'm calling the police! You've just been sexually assaulted - do you realize that?! And how do you know this person isn't stalking you and outside our door right now???

STY: Oh c'mon - this is nothing - it's so random! They don't even know if I'm a guy or a girl!

Mr. S: How did this start again?

STY: My phone rang and... [trailing off as I realize that I definitely did answer the phone in my decidedly maybe-not-"girly"-but-definitely-"a-girl" voice...]

Mr. S: See?! [score one for Mr. Snarky...]

In the end, Mr. Snarky called the number and read the guy the riot act. Mr. Snarky does "criminally, insanely, I'm-gonna-rip-off-your-head-and-shit-down-your-throat" angry REALLY well, and he put on an Oscar-worthy performance that night. He started by bellowing into the phone "I want to talk to the guy who just sent my wife a picture of his cock!" and it just blossomed organically from there. There were definitely high-fives at Casa Snarky when he hung up.

Later, when I was trying to fall asleep and kept getting startled by random creaks and noises, I came to the conclusion that the mystery texter was probably just RPatts expressing his "special" love for me. He's so sly like that! And so misunderstood... I felt bad for all the terrible things that Mr. Snarky said (don't worry RPatts, he's not coming after you and he won't be the last thing you see on this earth) but I'll make it up to him. Somehow...

STY, I thought liked my penis. AND you let Mr. Snarky call me names...I'm hurt.

P.S. Before anyone feels the need to correct me on this and break my little bubble here, I KNOW what you are going to say (I read "The Great Penis Debate" AND all the comments, too). And I KNOW that this isn't what it would look like if RPatts was sexting me "like that." But if it's not him it's just some fucking schmo in Trenton (or so said the reverse-phone-look-up) and that's just WRONG. So humor me, ok? Please??

59 comments:

  1. LMAO!!!!!! Oh Poor Snarky!!!! The tears were rolling down my face picturing how this all went down.

    OK..I'll play along...RPattz was texting you, and he thought you were into comic versions of his penis and I hope he calls again after Mr. Snarky told him off.

    BWAHAHAHA!!!!

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  2. an of the Pick Up Lines from Twilight SagaPalooza's Mad Libs would have been more seductive than a cartoon drawing of a dick. Sorry "possible" RPatz....you need to work on your moves.

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  3. Please let me be first. Please let me be first.

    That's too funny! I was doing research for a post on my blog and typed in "image Robert Pattinson smiling" and got a full frontal big cock manip of Rob...at work!!! So I feel your pain.

    And anyone that's visited my blog knows I'm in love, love, love with the VMan outtakes, which is where the picture you posted of Rob is taken from. Another reason to love this post and you, STY!

    Lisa

    P.S.: FFFOOORRRKKKSSS!!!

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  4. *snorting* You have a way of making me laugh at pratically anything you do.

    STY, that is fucking creepy when you think about it? Okay, I seriously commend you for being cool about it, but high fives to Mr. Snarky for handling his shit!!

    Jesus, this will the second word I’ve learned today. First I learned Meat Curtains from LatchkeyWife, now Bo from you!

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  5. GOD DAMN IT!!!!!! Mrs. P is always faster than me and even mmMoxie beat me to it. Shit!!

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  6. STY it was totally Rob and I wish he wasn't so sly about his love for you. And thank you STY for teaching me that "bo" means boner - I didn't know either.

    On another note, I would pay big bucks to see Mr. Snarky read anyone the riot act.

    Can I also say that this post had me snorting and tearing up that the sleep doctor is concerned.

    Thanks for adding some excitement to my night.

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  7. @ Lisa - HAHA! And I'm tipsy...you can tell by the typos.

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  8. Oh that naughty RPattz! He must be bored...or drunk and bored and can't get enough of Twitarded!

    Another hysterical post in the fine Twitarded tradition....I couldn't stop laughing...my kids think I am nuts!

    P.S. Don't forget to add him to your address book!

    wv: humbag....do they do this on purpose!!!??

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  9. HAHAHA!!! LISA!!! I got you twice tonight....

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  10. @mmMoxie - i HAVE to play mad libs next weeekend!

    @MrsP and @17ForeverLisa - you guys do have clones - admit it!!! I am so on to you!! there's no way you can be so many places at once!! it's clones or i need to learn to multitask... teach me, teach me!!

    sorry for all the snorteling - but not really 0 it's friday night and there had better be some booze-spittle involved at some point! if i can be the catalyst for that, all the better. because penises are funny. not as funny as balls (going back to "the great penis debate" here again - that fas fucking priceless!!) but still pretty funny.

    : )

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  11. Sweet Jeebus! You know how to attract the freaks...first JJ and now this guy! (J/K JJ - we're all freaks here. I puffy heart you.)

    And I love, LOVE, Mr Snarky's response.

    It probably was Rob though...

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  12. Holey Shit! It's funny but creepy at the same time. You've been virtually fashed! By RPatz no less... Quick sell it to the tabloids!

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  13. @STY - The secret will be revealed in FFFOOORRRKKKSSS since we will be there together. Sucks for me. Mrs. P @ TwiBite has kick-ass boots. I have Air Walk Nikes. FML!!

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  14. Man, that is creeeeeeeeepy. I am the paranoid type...and probly woulda shit my fucking pants!!!

    Mr. Snarky sounds like the shiznity bamboozle. How fucking Edwardesque of him, no?? So romantic...~sigh~

    Be safe. *hugs*
    E

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  15. @ Honolulu Girl - I Googled Meat Curtains already tonite - there is no way in the world I will Google Bo!!!

    @ All - I haven't picked a winner yet for the Friday Fun Five over at Edbrella http://edbrella.blogspot.com/2010/01/friday-fun-five_29.html Please go over and answer the amazing questions from...well... me!

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  16. hahahahahahahaha!

    So this is "flashing" in the techno age huh? Have pervs really gotten that lazy? Lame....

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  17. Snarky - Clearly this is part of Rob's clever campaign to get Bel Ami an R rating. If Mr. Snarky has done such irreparable damage as to set it back to a G rating, well, there will be consequences. Just sayin.

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  18. Oh my. I love that Mr. STY is so protective of you...I think Mr. VitR would have laughed and gone back to watching Dr. Who or something.

    I am not quite sure what to say but I know if it were RPattz it would have definitely given me a kittyzinger. OK, to bed with me now...too much vodka...I am trying to train my body and liver for FFFOOORRRKKKKSSSSS!

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  19. @Dangrdafne I too googled Meat Curtains, and well.. my eyes are traumatized from one of the images that popped up. What. The. Hell... :)

    @VitaminR hehehe KittyZinger!

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  20. Ooh, where can I get a peen rug like in your drawing? You think you can get it with a sparkle woven into the fibres?

    I jest. Dirty bastard, glad Mr Snarky gave him what for.

    I agree with Rob's Bitch, who knew flashers were so lazy now. My Mum still tells us about the day she got flashed by a bloke on a bike. We wondered if he had a really big one and had it resting on the handlebars, otherwise how would you even notice that? God, know what's going through my head now? You know Rob on his bike in Remember Me? Yeah, fill in the rest yourselves ;o)

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  21. I swear to God the same thing happened to me like three days ago- except there was no phone call. Just a random picture of someones penis....so I sent them a little thank you pic back. They then apologized saying "hey hot pic...Im so sorry I had the wrong number!" I didn't tell my hubby though cause I wanted to keep the pic.

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  22. Okay, that was fucking hilarious. AND creepy, but more hilarious than creepy. And if it was Rpattz peen, you're going to have to upload that photo and add some sparkle. Just for effect.

    And by the way, I could totally hear Mr. STY ranting from my house. Well done.

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  23. I'm not sure it was ArghPattz. He and I have been hanging out--I've ingratiated myself in hopes that KStew will tag along when we take the dogs to the park or make a Home Depot run--and he was with me the entire evening without, oh wait, he did take a bathroom break that was too long for a dude (and before anyone starts in, #2 extended me time happens in the a.m.). Coulda totally been him. Come to think of it, he was talking trash about Twitarded a little too much if you ask me...

    (And I'm with Mr. Snarky. Though it's likely the situation needs no further attention, I've got his back and plenty of ideas for turning the paranoia tables on that piece-of-shit dick dialer.)

    (My verification word is "exorco," as in "exorcise the cock." Not as fun as "exerco," but I think you're safe, STY. )

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  24. @ Stan - LOL at your entire post - peen rug and handlebar cock! LOL

    verifiation word; sodshing. Is that what it's called when you screw on a lawn?

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  25. @Myg - yeah, I came down on the side of "funnier than creepy" too - when I was holding up a piece of paper to my computer monitor and tracing the peen pic and trying to be REALLY careful so that I didn't accidentally draw a HUGE DICK onto our monitor in permanent marker, I was practically pissing myself laughing. But I'm pretty sure that Mr. Snarky hasn't had a laugh over any of this yet. In fact I didn't even mention that I wrote about it (I use the "he didn't ask/I'm not telling" rules of non-disclosure here, jftr - and he never asks). Oh and it would not surprise me AT ALL if you did hear him at your place - he's got a booming voice and I am pretty sure our neighbors caught every word. Oops. Meh - they don't like us anyway.

    @Alex - "ArghPattz" doesn't poop. Like, ever. He doesn't fart or in fact excrete anything malodorous whatsoever. Stop trying to ruin it. I will however tell Mr. Snarky that you've got his back because he seems to think you two are saner than me and it will make him feel better(or something like that). I don't know why. Pfft.

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  26. Oh Mr. Snarky sounds a lot like Mr. SGP. He is also..a tad bit..protective *cough* controlling *cough* of me as well. Sometimes it is awesome and sometimes it is just annoying.
    He probably would have done the same exact thing Mr. S did..actually I know he would have.

    I guess we should be grateful for our love muffin body guards eh?

    I totally would have texted back a picture of vomit...just sayin'.

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  27. @Stoney - LOL excellent choice of a send back picture!

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  28. STY - Mr. Snarky has obviously been caught in the net of the Sanity Emitter we use to keep the neighbors from calling the cops. I'll turn down the gain on that a little and he should be restored.

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  29. @Alex - I think we need one of those...Or maybe we can borrow yours?? Just to keep all the collective neighbors on their toes...

    Oh and Mr. Snarky officially DOES think it's funny now. See?? Told you. It's amazing the shit I have been getting away with since I'm now able to lead with the fact that one of both of you condone my behavior. WOO-HOO!!

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  30. @17ForeverLisa - I think you need to adjust your search engine so it's not stuck on "slutty" - just sayin' - lol!

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  31. @Dangrdafne - you googled "Meat Curtains"?! LMFAO! I hope it wasn't an image search...

    : )

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  32. @STY - unfortunately the image search is on the list first no matter what with lovely pictures and all!!! But it might not be what you expect. Go and try it and see what you see. No really it will be a great laugh....trust me

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  33. Okay I confess.

    It was my penis. Surprise!!

    I kid, I kid. I don't ML would care if someone sent me a picture of their peeper. I don't know. I'd ask him but his entire effing band is here and I know that will bring a round of comments.

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  34. @STY The veiny description was bad enough. But then to imagine it blown up to more than life size on your monitor with you tracing it. That's somewhere between vomit worthy or rolling on the floor going to pee myself laughing.
    So creeped out for you and glad that Mr. Snarky feels protective of you.
    Hope the peen pics isn't going to become a trend.

    @Dangrdafne Going to google meat curtain. I'm a bit scared...

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  35. @STY - Trust me. I need tips on trying to keep up with Mrs. P @ TwiBite, too.

    And I just went back and redid my Google search. I had actually entered, "image robert pattinson laughing." Yep. It's still there. So I did a Print Screen and saved the image. It's in the upper rh corner. See what you think.

    http://bit.ly/dsFIbD

    I did not click on the link below the image (yeah, right) but it says fanfiction.net. Anyone heard of that site? LOL!

    Lisa

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  36. Jesus LOL *sigh* Why don't people send me pics of their cock? I love your husband btw.

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  37. @STY - I actually know someone who was texting with Rob. In fact, she was trying to turn him down. Jelena at Twicholic has been trying to get me to out myself as the Vancouverite to the whole Twitarded crew so here it is.
    See my post about this story "I Know Someone Who Turned Down RPattz"

    http://twilightcupcake.wordpress.com/

    Jenny

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  38. @17foreverlisa - omfg that's hysterical! and there was definitely NO peen last time I did a search for an RPatts pic - go figure! too funny...

    @dangrdafne - i can't do it... i just can't. : )

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  39. @STY - Holy hell. Did you click on the image in my Photobucket and then click on high res? It's like looking at my actual computer screen. Pretty much gave myself away that I tracked down where the original picture came from when you look at the fourth tab that is open. Gah! And if you didn't, then I just admitted to it here. Double gah!!

    Lisa

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  40. So I am curious...did he have nice feet? Because feet are important....Purple Cupcake & I have had a great many discussion on of RP has nice feet. I am betting yes.

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  41. uuuhhhh, I think I recognized that picture...but just in case I'm wrong take it to the Post Office they'll post the picture in their lobby as a BOLO poster.

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  42. @17forever - yeah, Lisa, you pretty much gave it away here. Wouldn't have noticed it the hi res but thanks for pointing it out.
    I just googled meat curtains. Somehow bo doesn't sound so bad anymore. Never heard this term and I do gyne doctor work for a living. God you guys find the sickest stuff. Love it!

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  43. dude. that is sick. but you and mr. sty handled it well. next time i get a crank call i'm going to say "rpattz? is that you?" as well. i fucking love it.

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  44. that's fucked! How did he even know your phone was a cell phone? How did he get a cell number anyways? wtf! Now *I* feel protective of you LOL!

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  45. Wha-at? I would've freaked, and did murderous threats myself, but I can see the benefit of letting your man do the job. It's so... well, Edwardian. :D

    @Lisa - ROFLMAO! I cannot believe that pic. I hope no one was behind you when you google searched that woman.

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  46. @Jelena - Hi!!! I have the link to the site with the picture if you want it. You have my email address :) It's just so fucking appropriate given the Twi-sted Edbrella/Mrs. P @ TwiBite/Nibbles Show posts/comments. When you view it up close and personal, you will get what I mean.

    Lisa

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  47. I truly love how things like that would only happen to you ladies! Nice drawing as well ;)

    Can I make a suggestion for one day when you're bored? Google Image search Bel Ami. I was just trying to find the cover of the book the movie is based on, and was so surprised at what I found!!!!!!

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  48. @Peet Okay you weren't kidding about the bel Ami result being unexpected. Not what I had in mind.

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  49. This is too funny. I believe it is RPattz's peter in that pic! lol btw, my Mr didn't think it was as funny as I did either...

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  50. I nearly cried from laughter of your Picassoesque rendering of the intruding fallace.

    @STY: I would also like to note that while doing household chores my My Other told me "Don't get all Casa Del Snarky on me!". This is hilarious because of his staunch anti-Twitard stance here at home. I told him I would share his Twitardism.

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  51. Well if that was RPattz' dong, at least it looks pretty sizeable.

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  52. hehehe

    I'm glad Mr. S gave that creeper hell, even if it was Mr. P. Soooo freaking gross *shivers*.

    Honestly, it just makes me glad I gave up on cellphones years ago.

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  53. LMAO! I could NOT stop laughing when I read this. That's fucking creepy-town! If only it was RPattz....*sighs and dreams about his..* uh....sorry...
    BUT yet, very creepy!

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  54. OMG I seriously had almost the same experience...only it was some guy I went to HS with and he emailed me his peen. Awkward.

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  55. STY - Mr. Snarky has obviously been caught in the net of the Sanity Emitter we use to keep the neighbors from calling the cops. I'll turn down the gain on that a little and he should be restored.

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  56. Oh Mr. Snarky sounds a lot like Mr. SGP. He is also..a tad bit..protective *cough* controlling *cough* of me as well. Sometimes it is awesome and sometimes it is just annoying.
    He probably would have done the same exact thing Mr. S did..actually I know he would have.

    I guess we should be grateful for our love muffin body guards eh?

    I totally would have texted back a picture of vomit...just sayin'.

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  57. I swear to God the same thing happened to me like three days ago- except there was no phone call. Just a random picture of someones penis....so I sent them a little thank you pic back. They then apologized saying "hey hot pic...Im so sorry I had the wrong number!" I didn't tell my hubby though cause I wanted to keep the pic.

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  58. @ Honolulu Girl - I Googled Meat Curtains already tonite - there is no way in the world I will Google Bo!!!

    @ All - I haven't picked a winner yet for the Friday Fun Five over at Edbrella http://edbrella.blogspot.com/2010/01/friday-fun-five_29.html Please go over and answer the amazing questions from...well... me!

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  59. Sweet Jeebus! You know how to attract the freaks...first JJ and now this guy! (J/K JJ - we're all freaks here. I puffy heart you.)

    And I love, LOVE, Mr Snarky's response.

    It probably was Rob though...

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