Sunday, February 28, 2010

Twilight Blogging = Total Facebook Cock-Block

This is seemingly non-Twilight related but I can actually MAKE it Twilight-related because after a year of practice, I can make just about ANYTHING Twilight-related. Really. Try me.

Anyway, I saw this video the other day and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share! I sent the link to Sister Snarky and she confessed that she had come this close to alerting our mom, Momma Snarky, to the existence of this blog (Jenny Jerkface may be OK with her family reading about her Twilight obsession and RPatts stalker-y tendencies and masturbation techniques, but I am not down with that AT ALL). Why was I almost outed? Because Momma Snarky just discovered Facebook. So almost a nanosecond too late, Sister Snarky realized that she had better unfriend Twitarded and FAST because Momma Snarky is a nosy sort and it would take her all of three seconds to look at my sister's friend list and say "Twitarded? What's Twitarded? *click*" and it would be aaaaaall over. Gah! Makes me a little nauseous just thinking about it. Or that might just be all the vodka I drank last night. One of those.

This is just the final, final, FINAL nail in the coffin of any remote possibility of my ever having a personal Facebook account (which I don't). Sure I have come close to setting one up because like everyone else, I want to be able to easily cyber-stalk all of my exes, but I won't do it. And a few weeks ago the company where I work sent out an email saying that they had set up a corporate Facebook page and that we should all hurry up and join (really people? isn't LinkedIn enough for you? C'MON!!!). Uh, yeah... NO. It is beyond perplexing to me that there are people out there who want to spend non-work time with co-workers (excluding Office Snarky, natch).

Anyway, enjoy!

Twitarded Movie Night = Full of WIN!

Mini-Edward, his mentor, and the blogs that love them both...

So I just wanted to say that Friday night's group Twi-watching-fest-o-rama was aaaaaawesome and although my fingers feel like they ran a marathon and I just realized that I now need to drag my ass over to Motor Vehicle Services and get yet another awful photo driver's license to carry around for the next four years, it was totally worth it! Actually this time my photo will clearly show that I am hung over, so that will be a new twist and I am sure will make me even more amazingly photogenic than I already am...

I have no idea what I am trying to do with my massive man-hands...
[note to JJ: this is what I do in your bathroom when I am not peeing or taking pictures of your reading material]

I was going to do a recap of some of the comments from amongst the 1000+ that were furiously hammered out from around the globe Friday night, but frankly they are all pretty fucking funny and much more entertaining when read in sequence. You can pretty much follow along and figure out where we were in the movie just by the comments! If you have a few minutes to kill, check out all the madness in the comments here.

Next time we do something like this, I will disable the need for a veri-word - I'm really sorry that people had to type in veri-words with their comments, but it didn't occur to me until after the fact (and when I read a comment saying it was a h-u-g-e pain in the ass) that it was making it harder for people to keep up. Live & learn!

Note from JJ: I still can't believe how insane that was - it seemed like every time I tapped out a comment and hit submit, there were eighty new comments!

This was such a roaring success imho that we'll definitely plan on doing this again for New Moon! We'll set up a date a little while after the dvd comes out so everyone has a chance to watch it over and over and over again because let's face it - I don't think JJ and I even watched five straight minutes of Twilight Friday night because our noses were buried in our laptops. Luckily I know it by heart at his point...

Say it! Out loud!

The aftermath. But it was all worth it!

Sunday Video HAWTNESS!

I don't know about you, but I need some heart-stopping, breath-catching, lady-wear-melting vids this fine Sunday morning afternoon!

On a side-note, can I tell you how excited I am about all the Remember Me promotional press that Robert Pattinson is going to be doing in the next few days??? Honestly, he's probably hatin' the thought of what the next few days have in store for him but SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! bring on the goodness! WOOT!!!

And if anyone is wondering, neither Jenny Jerkface nor myself will be stalking RPatts through NYC or throwing ourselves at his feet on the red carpet for the actual Remember Me movie premiere. I feel kinda bad and like we should be out there but until this blog starts paying our salaries or shit like this happens on the weekends, our hands are tied. I WILL be giving JJ a big wet kiss when she gets back from the city on Monday and Tuesday just in case she breathed in any RPatts molecules like she did that time she set-stalked him and actually laid eyes on The Precious (and his trailer...).

Anyhoo, enjoy!!

First up is another "I Touch Myself" vid from Unicorns429 - it's HAWT!! with a capital H!!

And in case there are any little tatters of undies you need help with scorching, try this lady-bit-burner from DUKKESA31! Lots of pics in here I haven't seen in a while...

If you STILL need more (you insatiable whores, you!!), wander on over to Latchkey Wife's blog and check out her latest vid - it's awesome AND uses one of my favorite songs of all time!

P.S. Here's a last-minute update/addition thanks to a recommendation from Hypoallergenic Vagina [ha!] in the comments - thanks Hypo Vajayjay!! Smmmoookin' vid from gemamisas -

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Best. New Moon Video. Ever.

I was trying to write something cheeky about last night's Twilight-watching comment blitzkrieg but I came across this video instead and am totally choked up and gushy now.

If this vid doesn't make you want to run out right this very moment and get in line to wait for the New Moon dvd to be released or maybe find out where they are being manufactured and hopping a plane there so you can steal one early, then you should check your pulse. Because SkyAstrid has mad editing skillz and the song is perfect and I LOVE IT so I am just going to shut up and let you watch it so that you can get all teary over your Wheaties and coffee, too.

Watch full-screen in HD if you can!

When you're done sobbing and you've cleaned up, here's some eye-candy from twilightsHorizons. You're welcome! [don't forget HD!]

Friday, February 26, 2010

It's time! IT'S TIME!!! [almost...] 9:00 PM EST!

It's time!!!
Watch our for paper cuts! Or that sharp foil on your wine bottle...

Good evening, fine whore flaps of Twitardia - you know what tonight is, right??? Well if you don't, you haven't been paying very close attention, but we'll let you slide because RL can be a bitch and Jenny Jerkface and I both know what it's like to not spend as much time in the Twidom as we would both like.

But TONIGHT you all need to be there or be square! Apologies to those of you who are in time zones that make this impossible; free drinking-in-the-morning passes to those of you who live someplace where it is Saturday morning already. This is like the Twitarded equivalent of a fishing trip or something - you get to break all the normal polite rules of society and drink along with us no matter what time it is (the rule we are breaking comes from our soon-to-be-famous friend weXXX, who states, "You can drink alone, and you can drink before noon, but you can't drink alone before noon." weXXX is a wise man.).

LLLLLaaaadiiiies... staaaaart... yooooouuurrrr... lllaaaaptops & dvd players!!!

Are you ready for the collective viewing of Twilight? Got your popcorn? Skittles? Chocolate? Wine, whiskey, or poison of choice? Good! Because we sure do!

Be here at 9:00 Eastern Time. Hit "Play." Watch Twilight with us. And get ready to say all that stuff you wanted to say in the movie theater but didn't and then didn't bother saying at home because what's the point if nobody's there to get it??? We're going to stick mostly to the comments section here - fanficzombie recommends using the F5 for instant comment refreshing! There may be some tweeting here & there to round things out - I was thinking we could use #TWI to keep track (I have no idea if this will work jftr so if anyone has any better ideas...).

To make your movie experience more real-ish, here's a trailer for ya'! Alice In Wonderland - can't wait!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Jackson Rathbone is Kinda Growing on Me. A Lot...

That's right. I said it.

Here JJ, have a cigarette. I already lit it for you. You don't know how long I've been waiting for you...

I've always been an unapologetic RPattz girl but lately...I dunno. My thoughts have kind of been turning toward Jackson Rathbone.

At first, I was pretty sure it had to do with the fact that he's going to be in The Last Airbender, which I am stupidly excited to see. I mean c'mon! It's got kung-fu, magic, action, bad guys, and some little kid with neat-o tattoos. What's not to like?

Neat-O tattoos. aka Ever Lasting Job Stopper...

But then suddenly I would see other pictures of Jacksper--non-Airbender pictures--that I've seen a hundred times before with barely a pause but now I just stop dead in my tracks. And stare. Hard.

A boy with tattoos makes my cooter smile and sigh...especially if he's fucking adorable like Jacksper...

I know I've dismissed poor Jackson as someone who was too skinny and tall-ish [hey, I'm 5'1'' - everyone is fucking tall] to be attractive to me but here's the thing. That used to be my type back when I was younger. Now that I'm a little older, sporting a beer gut, and I'm pretty sure my ass is relocating to directly behind my knees, skinny dudes are out.

In general, I try not to get the hots for guys skinnier or prettier than me.

You're skinnier AND prettier than me but I still kinda want to hump you... oh, hai tummy tattoo! Nom nom nom

He also scored another point with me when I discovered that his band, 100 Monkeys once listed my all time favoritest band ever, Man Man, as one of their influences. I like a boy with good taste in music.

But there is another reason why Jackson's growing on me.

You see, I've been mulling over this post for awhile now and a few days ago, a few readers sent us some pictures and a story that pretty much sealed the deal. You know, icing on the cake. Cock in the pooper...

Because it proves that Jackson Rathbone is just plain fucking awesome. Because he's chillin' with some amazing peeps...


This is F-Kat, Twilove1 and Z any Mouse. And they are hanging out with the 100 Monkeys. I mean, check it out - they have Jacksper in a Twitarded sandwich!! If that ain't sassy, I don't know what is.

According to Twilove1:
I recently went to two 100 Monkeys concerts with my Twitarded friends F-Kat and Z any Mouse (plus our two 18 year old daughters that we use as both bait and cover) and got some pretty good pictures of Jackson.
Here's the ol' bait n' switch in action...

I don't know what I'm more jealous of, those glasses F-Kat Jr. is wearing or the fact that Jackson's got his arm around her!

And here are a few pictures of the maestro himself in action (Pictures courtesy of Twilove1 and Z any Mouse because I accidentally fucked up and don't remember who took what. Sorry, ladies!)

JeebusFuckingCrispies that smile is just infectious.

The face of a mad musical man.

I'm torn between thinking that coat is fuck-awful or... fuck-awesome...

Apparently, not only is Jackson a looker, an actor, and a musician, he's also just a really all-around nice fucking guy. While some celebs tend to look totally put-out taking pictures or hanging out with the rest of us, Jackson looks... happy. He's really enjoying himself. And frankly, considering the comments these ladies often leave here, what's not to enjoy? They rock.

Another picture with JackSparrowson

In fact, the next time they saw Jackson, he called them hot mamas!!! Fucking hot mamas.

And he's totally fucking right.

All these ladies prove that you don't need to be 18 to have a blast. Or to be badass, for that matter, since this is how Twilove1 describes another venue (that was closed down by the fire marshall before the show even started) where they tried to see 100 Monkeys play:
...I don't know the exact reason, but the building looked like a shack that you would expect to see out behind an old farmhouse. It was way out in the desert in the middle of nowhere, and we were so sure "The Crossing" was going to end up being somebody's garage with a misspelled cardboard sign tacked to the outside. When it turned out to be a ramshackle shed next to an actual railroad track, we laughed our heads off, right up until we realized who was standing outside of it. We literally skidded to a stop in the dirt directly in front of Jackson (I drive a mustang and have mad skidding skills) and the four of us leaped out of the car like it was on fire.
Hot Mamas, most definitely.

Thank you, lovely ladies for sharing your story!!

P.S. - I secretly hate you for being so tight with around my new-found crush. But in the love-hate kinda way.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Hey You - Wanna Watch Twilight With Us?!?

Bring a snack! And a delicious adult beverage, of course...

So the other day I was on Twitter (seriously, if you are not on Twitter and following us, you are missing out! Even my mom could be on Twitter but she won't be because I will never tell her how easy it is or that I am on it because Jenny Jerkface's mom is gonna follow her on Twitter while we are in Forks and she's totally gonna be grounded for like a month after I cart her sorry hung-over ass back to Joisey) and Texas Katherine was saying that she was watching Twilight and I said it was too bad I was going to bed because we should watch it together and then something clicked and HEY! I tweeted that we should all watch it together one night!! Aaaand I got a bunch of responses from people who were TOTALLY into it!

So I was sort of kidding and just being flip at the time but then I got to thinking about it... Let's do this thang!!!

What are you doing this Friday night? Saaaaay around 9:00 to 11:00 Eastern time??? You know, after you've done Drunk [Dirty] Mad Libs with mmMoxie over at Twilight SagaPalooza (if you have never participated, this it the p-e-r-f-e-c-t pre-game to collective Twi-watching!)??? Wanna have a hot date at the Twitarded virtual movie theater with yours truly, Jenny Jerkface, and maybe a hundred-ish of your bestest bloggy best friends ??? C'mon - you know you love us more than those RL twats...

It'll be like that time when JJ & I watched Twilight in Central Park except it won't be raining and we won't be outside and our liquor won't be camouflaged in emptied Smart Water bottles...OK it won't be like that at all - it'll be awesomer - and Twi in the Park was awesome!

As an added bonus, you can bring your own Skittles, Sno-Caps and popcorn without fear of reprisal AND you can booze it up without trying to hide the fact that you nipping a flask (or doing awkward semi-hidden shots like we were at the New Moon premiere). WOOT!

We're thinking we'll get the ball rolling a little before 9:00 and start the move at nine on the dot after we all synchronize our watches. We'll chat in in the comments here and see what happens! You know all that stuff you always wanted to say in the theater but didn't want to be that jerk who talks the whole time? Well bring it on! It might get a little nuts (at least I hope it will) but I have a feeling this will be epic fun!! Twitarded Goes to the Movies - be there or be square!

So are you ready to hit "Play" with us??? Let us know if you're on board--and if you have any suggestions, we're all vampy-extra-super-powered ears!

[JJ's note - Just for the record, STY is a pretty... non-bouncy, non-excitable person. She generally does a very dignified SQUEEEE, but it's all breathy and cute-like and I kind of secretly hate the fact that she doesn't tinkle every time she gets all worked up about something. I totally started laughing when I read this because it's pretty obvious STY is hand-flapping, bouncy bouncy fucking stoked about doing this. I've got my fingers crossed she pees herself. ]

[P.S. from STY - You know we'll be at your house, right? I'll pee all over your sofa if it'll make you happy but don't say you didn't encourage me to do it after the fact when ML gets cranky.]

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How Would You Get RPattz's Attention?

I was watching Ellen's pre-New Moon interview* with RPattz on YouTube today and I just totally lose my shit every time they have the conversation about a recent autograph signing event where a woman asked what she could do to get his attention. He told her to take her clothes off. And she did.

Ya, that was me. What can I say? I'm just a big dirty whore. But you already knew that, didn't you?

No, just kidding. However, given the opportunity, you know damn well that I'd be stripped down to my birthday suit in eleven seconds. Flat. And that's saying a lot since I definitely don't look good naked. Seriously. Back in the infancy of my relationship with Mr. Latchkey, I was totally a sex-with-the-lights-off kind of gal. Now I don't give a shit. I'm almost 40 for chrissakes. Cut me some slack. But if you must know, I kind of look like I might be filled with air and someone squeezed all the air out of my top half, thereby making my bottom half look awkwardly large in comparison.

Ya, kinda like this but with blond hair.

Hearing him talk about it makes me wonder... what would us *ahem* Twitards of a certain age do to get RPattz's attention? Would you even have the balls to approach him if you happened to see him out in public? Would you get all Bella-stuttery and end up making yourself look like a complete asshole? Do you think that you could hold it together long enough to appear like you're a calm, cool and collected chick who he just might want to do the horizontal tango with?

You. Me. Horizontal tango. Now.

Or would you go all Jenny Jerkface on his ass and want to launch a steamer in his personal shitter? Now that takes balls. The thought of dropping a deuce in front of my own husband makes my butt clench, so I'm definitely not in any hurry to cop a squat in RPattz's trailer. Let's face it - the toilet is really JJ's doman and I really don't want to take that away from her. She can be his one-and-only girl-with-the-stinky-ass.

JJ, I hope you follow these instructions! [JJ's note: Oh man! I've been doing it wrong!!]

Or would you be more like Snarkier Than You and ramble on all Misery-style about how you want to keep him chained up in your basement? Now I may have to fight her for that title. I've often fantasized about how I could get away with slipping RPattz a roofie and hauling his pretty ass away in a windowless van. No one would ever look for him here... I don't know about STY, but I definitely think I could keep him around without taking drastic measures like hobbling him. I'm more of a carrot than a stick gal and I think regular hummers would keep him satisfied enough to stay on his own.

I would never... hurt... the Precious!

I'd like to think I'd be able to have an intelligent conversation with the man, but who am I kidding? Stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife would rear her ugly head faster than you can say "Run Forest Ruuuuun". I'm also positive I'd turn all Bella-stuttery too so I'm not quite sure how sexy that combination will be... Stuttery, stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife... that sounds fucking awesome. I'm turning myself on. Who knows? Maybe it will turn him on too. We already know he's got a thing for stuttery awkward chicks; maybe the rest of my charms will grow on him...

Oh Latchkey, I'll take you stuttery, stalkery, or slutty. Just let me take you!

So fellow Twitards, what would you do to get RPattz's attention???

*I know, you've already seen it a million times but just how fucking adorkable is he when the cheering continues for so long, he has to use the Oprah mask to hide behind?! So here, watch it again. I heart him.

Just When You Thought We Couldn't Get Any Sluttier...

Hellooooo twat-monkeys!!

Tonight's post will be brought to you by one of our fave trampy blogger besties, Latchkey Wife! Jenny Jerkface and I have been her fans since waaaay back in the day (i.e. last spring) when she first inserted her slutty little self into our Twitarded lives. While a slew of you diiiirty gals have come out of the damp Forks forest since that time, we had never come across anyone who could match us in our potty mouths and general skankiness. But believe you me, LKW is both skanky AND swears like a sailor (if you don't realize this is high praise, what on earth are you doing here?). Even better, she's agreed to dish up some of her no-holds-barred Twi-fan fuckery right here!

A lot of you already know Latchkey, but for those of you who have never had the pleasure of her acquaintance, buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Monday, February 22, 2010

When Was The Last Time You Read Twilight?

Are you there, Twilight? It's me, Snarky...

There's all sorts of stuff going on in the Twidom these days... Award shows! New photos! Magazine interviews! The New Moon dvd is coming out (and I need a new Twi-bff - again...)! Eclipse footage is just around the corner! Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and most of the other cast members have new movies coming out! It's all very exciting and frankly hard to keep up with, there's so much going on...

I've been in such a Twi-tizzy this last year that sometimes I lose sight of what started this whole obsession for most of us: the book. I mean, I watch the Twilight dvd a lot. Like a lot a lot. Visitors to my house have been known to ask me if I ever watch anything else. I probably pop it into the dvd player or the laptop once or twice a week. I don't always watch the whole thing, but it's like comfort food to me now (and less fattening). Sometimes I'll watch it until the part where the bad vamps come and break up the love-fest and then I'll turn it off, since that's kind of there the move takes a turn for the less-fun (I love the move "Blow" with Johnny Depp but only up until the part there everything starts to fall to shit. What can I say? I'm a fair-weather movie kinda gal).

So I have a question for you: When was the last time you read Twilight? Like actually read the book from cover to cover, not just meandered through your favorite passages while perched on the throne?

[oh btw JJ - when I've had a few cocktails sometimes I take pictures of your bathroom reading selections.]

I just recently picked it up and started rereading a week or so ago. I had been somewhere in the middle of Eclipse but had found myself skipping around and only reading certain passages (hellooooo leg hitch!). But Twilight has always been my favorite book in the series, so I started back at the beginning. Admittedly, it's not as potent at the first time - I can put it down for more than two seconds at a time, go to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour, feed myself and my loved ones (husband, cat), and otherwise function semi-normally (sort of - for me, anyway). Let's face it: I know how the series ends, so it's not like I'm racing to get there numerous re-reads later.

The First Time
[Yes we've posted this before but it's still funny! Click to enlarge!]

But rereading Twilight reminds me all over again why I fell down this Twitarded rabbit hole in the first place... I've got to be honest and say that at first I was surprised at how some of the text read like a bad Twilight parody, but one hundred pages in and I'm hooked all over again, in love with these two characters falling in love in the way that only a teen and a faux-teen-sparkly vampire can... I'm once again sucked into the way Stephenie Meyer's characters take us along for a ride back to that time when every word spoken would be analyzed and dreamed about, every encounter in the hallway left you breathless, and you would rather die than live without your beloved.

How many times have you read the series? I know that sometimes I pick up the book and I start reading and it's all I can do not to bang my head against the wall and set the damn thing on fire because, really, how many times can she describe Edward's marble-y perfection using the same three adjectives? Sister Snarky even offered to buy her a thesaurus at one point. Yet, there are other times I find myself completely enraptured in their love story alllll over again and the next thing I know there is a pot burning on the stove and Mr. Snarky is wondering how the hell I can get so...involved in a silly book. Again.

And again...

Will it ever get old? Methinks not.

So spill it in the comments - are you still rereading the books regularly? When WAS the last time you read Twilight? Does it still tug on your heartstrings or are you using your Twilight books as paperweights to hold down your printed-out smutty fanfic??? Twitarded minds want to know...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Real Life vs. Twi-life. Let the Awkward Conversations Commence...

A few weeks ago Snarkier Than You and I attended a Waitangi Day party our friends throw every year. I believe there is some relation between New Zealand and the hosts but the rest of us happily celebrate any excuse to chase away the winter blues with some good conversation, food and booze.

By getting druuuuuuunk...

Speaking of conversation - this may come as a total shock but I actually talk. A lot. Like, I'm a chatty-fucking-Cathy. And because I've pretty much moved to Twiland permanently at this point, most of my dialogue involves the fandom or this blog [okay, okay, I temper the Twi talk with some poop jokes], regardless of whether the person I'm chatting with wants to hear it or not. Despite this, I was still somewhat surprised just how many non-Twi, real-life peeps not only knew about the blog, but actually read it. Like, often. Which is why I was standing in the kitchen discussing the post about how I was berating my brother for telling his coworkers about the blog and now they all know I'm a porn addict and have possibly stalker-ish fascination with Robert Pattinson.

See? Everyone does it, right? Right?!

I'm essentially oblivious when it comes to realizing which topics may or may not be appropriate to bring up in... polite company. And by "polite company" I mean "everywhere except the blog." Oh, who am I kidding? What little inkling I had for any sort of propriety has pretty much disappeared in a swirl of Robporn and Twismut.

Therefore, it didn't occur to me until much later that I was... standing in someone's kitchen actually discussing the fact that I'm a porn addict with a possibly stalker-ish fascination with Robert Pattinson while debating the pros and cons of a personal lubricant called Make Me Cum.

Face to face. In a crowded kitchen. With a man.

Yeah, I'm pretty much a total fail when it comes to social shit sometimes.

Some small part of me knows I should have been appalled that anyone in real life knows I surf the web for personal lubricant, have conversations about sex toys with my mother, and have a totally unhealthy obsession for Twilight-related smut. But I don't.

I need to hire a filter or something. You know, someone who follows me around and smacks me upside the head before I blurt out anything inappropriate. Or figure out how I can muster up some shame because it's becoming quite apparent that people are aware that I don't.

And this is going to get me in trouble one day.

For example, that same weekend I was having a nice conversation with a few of ML's bandmates (I'm going to come home one day and they will all be living here, I just know it) about foreskin. Well, they were discussing foreskin and I was trying not to puke up my cheddar, egg and potato chip omelet. (I learned what docking is and I kind of want to unlearn it but can't so I'm sharing it with you. I'll give you a hint - it involves at least one foreskin but more than one penis.)

Anyhoo, while I'm looking up docking on Urban Dictionary one of them mentions that a hooded dick is supposed to be more pleasurable for the chick and then they all looked at me like I was a fucking cock expert and hellooooo ML is sitting right there and you want me to weigh in on your conversation?

Um, no.

So maybe I do have a little filter, after all.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Sunday Robporn Vid - Mmmm...

So I am hoping that I haven't already posted this video before but frankly even if I did I am not going to have any regrets about repeating myself. It's a perfect combo of adorkable Rob and fuck-hawt Rob and it has the added bonus of making me crave a cigarette even though I quit over seven years ago and haven't had even one slip-up ever. But I know in my heart of hearts that if I ever bumped into RPatts somewhere I would totally start up again just so that I could bum one off of him. Hey, at least it's a better conversation-starter than my other possible option, which goes something like "Oh-mah-gawwwd-I-love-you-soooo-much-and-want-to-have-wild-reckless-animal-sex-with-you-and-maybe-lock-you-up-in-my-basement-for-a-while-or-at-least-until-they-stop-looking-for-you-OMG!-sorry-I-am-going-all-Kathy-Bates/"Misery"-it's-not-like-that-I-swear-wait-where-are-you-going-stop-running-I-can't-keep-up!-Man-you-run-fast-for-a-smoker!-Come-baaaaaack!!!" Or something like that.

I have to admit that in the "Details" article when the author/interviewer--Jenney Lumet--says "Complete strangers want to fuck you, shoot you, be you, buy you, sell you, run their fingers through your hair, watch you have sex, hear you pee, eat chips with you, and kidnap you and stuff you in the trunk of their car." I WAS wondering if she had been reading our blog or Latchkey Wife's when she wrote that because it's possible that we have all openly discussed most if not all of those scenarios at least once. I'd say I'm sorry and that it is probably kind of frightening from his point of view but c'mon people we're kidding! I think... Almost always... And we've never talked about shooting him unless it was maybe with a tranquilizer gun and that's different and doesn't really count. So we're kidding at least most of the time. Well, at least Jenny Jerkface and I are kidding, but I guess I can't really speak for Latchkey Wife because we all know what a self-professed whore she is and I honestly don't think we have ever used the words "duct tape" here at Twitarded which is more than I can say for her and her blog.

Anyway, enjoy & hope you are having a good weekend!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Aaaand Just Like That, The Tip Slips In...

This won't hurt a bit...

I know I am pathetic, but I have really been having a hard time deciding if I wanted to watch or see (or hear, for those of you who made sound files of "the moan" in New Moon the second it came out - I'm lookin' at YOU, Twigasm Podcast!!) any Eclipse footage prior to June 30th. Part of me was thinking that it would be cool to not have any idea what I was in for when I walked into the theater that day. To be a complete and total virgin...

Instant virgin. Just add this amazingly wacky lube and BAM!

But then, something happened.

This tweet happened:

The #EclipseTrailer will play with REMEMBER ME in theatres on March 12!
Summit Entertainment

And all my resolve went out the window faster than Edward that first time that Bella woke up and kind of caught him standing in her room watching her and any question I may have had about what I might be able to keep away from was answered.

There is NO FUCKING WAY I would be able to go see Remember Me on March 12th - and know that they will be showing the Eclipse trailer - and not watch it. It would kill me. Possibly literally. If it didn't kill me, I would certainly kill Jenny Jerkface if she watched it and I didn't. What would I do - leave the theater while the trailer played? Stand outside the doors like a total tool listening to everyone go "SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" and then come in afterwards? No. No. NO. I am not that strong. I don't think I want to be that strong. And I know I would see spoilers anyway so there's no point in kidding myself into thinking that as a Twilight blogger and person who doesn't live out of the mainstream loop that I could avoid seeing some of the stills or footage. I don't want to freak out over it and frankly JJ and Mr. Snarky would probably both want to kill me if I tried to stay totally spoiler free. JJ and I have already been discussing the seriously redacted posts that she will have to send me if she want me to read her stuff before she puts it on the blog (which is generally how we both work/write).

What the "spoiler posts" would look like when sent to me.

So I am going to watch the trailer. And that's IT.

Here's my rationalization: watching the Twilight trailer a gazillion times did not ruin the movie for me. At ALL. If I am being totally honest here (and I am almost always), the movie ruined the trailer. Really. I'm not even kidding. Watch this again and tell me that it isn't awesome! And not in a "it's hokey but I love it to death anyway" way -

Exhibit A:

This STILL give me chills. No shit. And it has over six million views.

Exhibit B:

Eleven million views... Also very awesome and possibly more awesome than the full movie. Which is what a trailer is supposed to be. The best of the best. Well played, Scummit.

Oh and I love the full length movies, too.

For the record: the poll in the upper left-hand corner of the blog? Only 8% of you are going to be virgins. And I applaud you. But I can't to it. I'll be joining the 29% of you who are "Just The Tippers" but not the 58% of you dirty sluts who want all the spoilers you can handle buried balls-deep as hard and fast as you can find them. Whoooores!

I love you all.

I give up. Or I'm giving it up. A little bit. Just the tip.
It probably won't even break my Eclipse hymen.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Case of the Absent-Minded Eclipse Spoiler Whore

As most of you know, Snarkier Than You and I decided to play Devil/Angel when it comes to checking out Eclipse spoilers and the like. Or maybe it was Good Cop/Bad Cop. Whatever. All I know was that this was decided and we flipped a coin and the next thing I know, STY's all pointing at me and crowing, "you're a whore!!" [note from STY: the decision regarding who would be the whore did not require a coin.]

And I did a fist pump and yelled, "Fuck yeah, I'm a whore!!"

Then she paused for a moment before declaring, "You're going to be a really shitty Eclipse whore."

I was tempted to disagree and insist that I was going to be the sluttiest, legs-wide-open-blowin'-the-whole-Cullen-clan spoiler tramp in the whole damn Twidom, but I didn't.

Because I think she might right.

I am going to suck at this. The spoiler thing, that is. Not the Cullen cock.

Now, if I were in the mood to defend myself I would say that I might not score 100% in Whoreland because I'm a busy gal, what with work and real life and the insane list of fan fiction I need to read. But that's really just bullshit.

The truth is I'm totally fucking oblivious. I don't get it - I spend more time parked in front of this computer screen, reading Twilight, writing Twilight and getting Twilight through fucking osmosis, for crying out loud but I still managed to miss pretty much every single spoiler out there to date. You could take every leaked still and staple it to my forehead and I'd probably still say, "huh? There are new Eclipse stills out there? And ow, my forehead hurts. Where am I? I have to poop..."

Oh mah gahd!! New Eclipse stills!! Wait... this looks familiar...

On top of my space cadet-ness I'm so forgetful I'm borderline amnesiac. I am like the Absent-Minded Professor of fucking Twilight, people. It's so bad STY suggested I take my cue from the guy in Memento and write on myself. She also muttered something about helping me out - not so sure that's a good thing...

True story: someone sent me the leaked Eclipse script. I went apeshit and was SO stoked to read it so I saved it...somewhere so I could read it later.

And then I totally forgot about it. I don't even know where the fuck that zip drive is. I mean, someone [see? I can't even remember who. I SUCK] literally dumped a big, juicy, sizzling spoiler right in my lap and I still didn't whore it out.

I am so ashamed. I'm such a fail.

That being said, I'm nothing if not determined to give the rest of you Eclipsomaniacs (and HOLY CRAP are you a slutty bunch) the scratch you're looking for to cure that itch.

Therefore, I give you the Jenny Jerkface Pledge of Eclipse Whoredom:
I, Jenny Jerkface, promise to be the biggest, dirtiest, trampiest spoiler slut I can be. I promise to find every and any little piece of pre-release dirt I can find and bring it to you strumpets. Unless it's leaked because, while I don't necessarily think anal is a bad thing, I'd rather not have Summit up my ass. I will strive to keep you all updated on all the juicy goodness of spoiler-dom that I can find.

That is my pledge and I swear to keep it.
But don't hate me if my best spoiler slut disappoints sometimes. I mean, there are a whole lot of spoilers out there, I think. I'll give it my best shot but even the greatest whore leaves you with blue balls once in awhile...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Twitarded Little Secrets: Where Do You Hide Yours?

As I was going through Twitarded's one-year anniversary give-away emails, I noticed a trend...

The Twilight Stash. The TwiPorn Drawer. The Precious Altar.

I am humbled by the greatness of CupcakeDonna's stash.

Call it what you will, a lot of us seem to have a special area where we keep our Robert-Pattinson-obsessed, Twilight-y gear. Personally, I actually have a couple of spots (I have enough stuff that it needs to be spread out, I guess): I've got my books and cards and things that people send us in one location, I've got random Twilight merch that I HAD to have but don't exactly know what to do with in another, and I have a little bit of space in my tiiiny walk-in closest (or at least it would be a walk-in closet if the floor wasn't waist-high with shoes and things) for the stuff that I need need need to keep handy but don't really want to wave in front of Mr. Snarky's face every day.

What happens in STY's closet, stays in STY's closet...

It's not hidden, exactly, but does he really need to see my collection or Robert Pattinson magazines on a daily basis? What if he defaced them? OK, he would never do that, but I like to keep them safe and sound anyway... Left unattended, what if GQ Rob was suddenly pulling double-duty as a coaster?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Some of you are dirtier than others... And I am dirtier than some of you...

I received this pic from cullengrrl :

Mmmm... Vanity Fair Rob...and wait, what's that there...????

When I got this photo, I email cullengrrl back and made sure that she was ok with us posting it. Because it looked kind of...personal. But it turn out that I am the one with a dirty mind (go figure), because what I thought was a butt plug at a quick glance is actually the handle of a lint roller [note to self, in a pinch, one can stand in for the other but it won't work both ways].

Some of you have to lurk in the bathroom to get some alone-time with your Rob porn, like Rob's Bitch pictured here...

"Get the fuck out of here! Can't I get any privacy??"

So where do you keep your stash? Night table for easy access? Under the bed like a teenager hiding porn? In the closet like an adult hiding porn? [note from a former nosy child: we know how to climb and we will find whatever it is you hide in the very back tippy-top corners of your closet.] Spill all the deets in the comments! If you have a particularly impressive collection and are feeling all brazen and proud, send us a pic for a future post (we'll hide identities to protect the guilty and slightly-less-guilty-but-still-slutty).

P.S. If you're single and free to paper your bedroom floor-to-ceiling with RPatts pics, we want to know all about that, too!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Tale of Two Vaginas/The Vagina Dialogues/Yay! I Get to Use Vagina in a Title and it's Perfectly Legit!

Like most of you, this past weekend I found myself glued to the computer screen, mouth agape and lady bits all aflutter, as I drooled over some really... nice pictures of Robert Pattinson from Details magazine.

Hellooooo, Daddy...

Eventually I figured it would be a good idea to actually read the damn interview so let's just cut to the chase, shall we? I was debating whether or not to go into a whole breakdown of the interview but... fuck it. Call me lazy, accuse me of having absolutely no attention span - you'd be right on both counts. I thought the article was great and let's leave it at that. But there was one thing he said that kind of threw me for a loop...

I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.
Wha-wha-whaaaa?! [Queue needle-off-the-record sound.]

RPattz doesn't like the furry taco? The bearded clam? Cock pocket ? Love muffin?

This lady really likes her beaver. Even if RPattz doesn't.

I sat there, baffled. I think my own poon gasped in shock. How could Robert Pattinson not like the Tinkleflower?

Needless to say, there were quite a few thoughts racing through my head.

Maybe he's something that rhymes with "hay" (seriously, if you can't figure this one out all on your own... you need help). Now, this might come as a shock, but personally I don't give a flying fuck if Robert Pattinson is gay, straight or likes to do mythological beasts** up the pooper. He's never going to boink me so why would I care?

Is it just me or is this liger presenting???

Of course, I do know a few gay men who happen to think the Mons Venus is quite pretty so there's that. At the same time, while I'm... strictly dickly I can respect the aesthetics of a va-jay-jay, even if I'm not particularly interested in playing with it. After all, I happen to think a man's ballsack looks like a pair of hairy fucking walnuts but this isn't going to stop me from paying a visit to it's neighbor, the purple-headed hooligan.

Anyway, I started thinking that perhaps RPattz hated vaginas because he was just really sick and tired of them hanging all over him. Then again, there is a difference between these twats:


And these twats...


In the end, I imagine that it was more likely just another example of RPattz's quirky sense of humor. Apparently, there is an old British joke about a guy who tells his doctor he's allergic to vaginas because every time he sees one his dick swells up.
Get it? Get it?!

Apparently, a lot of people didn't. Sadly, I'm not surprised...

[STY Note - I almost tweeted something about the fact that male or female, straight or gay, wouldn't most people be a little weirded out if they unexpectedly found themselves spending the day with unfamiliar cooter all up in their face? I mean, he looks amazingly hot in these pics, but part of me just said, "Oh poor adorkable Rob! All that cooch! He must have died!" and not in a good "I've gone to dude-heaven" kind of way.]

** But not, like, real ones because, um, that's kind of icky because, ya know, they're real...

Monday, February 15, 2010

Virgin, Whore, or Just The Tip?

Guess which one is the Twitarded charter plane?

Hi Twitards!

Sorry we dropped the ball on posting in the last 24 hours... When not curled into a fetal ball and moaning softly to myself, I've been mucking out my basement after a hot water heater malfunction. Jenny Jerkface spent her day the way all new homeowners spend their holidays (and money), at Home Depot and then fuzting around, painting the basement a questionable color. Suffice it to say that it was a very subterranean kind of day for us and frankly I think we'll both be happy to be back in our non-basement offices tomorrow (please remind us of this when we are on Twitter tomorrow whining about how much it sucks to be back at work).

Anyway, let's get on to the topic du jour: Eclipse spoilers and what you're going to do with them?! What are we ALL going to do with them??? I hate having to make decisions like this. Most of you have probably figured out that I am a huuuge hypocrite and want everything both ways. Paparazzi pics? BOOOOO!! Oh lookie!! Pics of Robert Pattinson underwear shopping! That's not too invasive, is it? Nah - this is ok... Show me more! Gah - I confuse myself some days with all my waffling...

Mmmm... Manties...

But the time has come to decide... To take a stand... To ask ourselves that burny of all burning questions: am I going to be an Eclipse Virgin or an Eclipse Whore? Or maybe play a lil' Eclipse Just The Tip?

In case you've been living under a rock lately (or went to see the Olympics over the weekend and forgot your iPhone at home), you know that some hot stills from Eclipse have been officially released. I am taking everyone else's word for it that they are smokin' because I haven't seen then yet (and probably won't), but I swear just the descriptions on Twitter had me hot and bothered and heading for a cold shower [or was that the hot water heater's fault? nevertheless...]. There was news of leg-hitching, make-outs, Bryce Dallas Howard as Victoria - it was tempt-ing! And by the way, Twitter is the BEST place to be in the loop enough to know what's going on without actually seeing all the images (I may not click on another Twitter link until July, but that's another story).

So what's your plan? Have you come up with one yet?? Are you going to immerse yourself in every single spoiler, leaked picture/still, film clip, snippet of smut, or trailer that surfaces, or are you desperately trying to remember where you threw that chastity belt after you unshackled your lady-bits last November?

Tell us! We want to know what you think! We had decided a while back that JJ would be the Eclipse whore and I would be the spoiler-free virgin (sorry, Mommy [not a]Jerkface, but you have to play the hand you're dealt). But now that the time has come to put my money where my mouth is, I'm like any gal who takes a chastity vow without r-e-a-l-l-y thinking through all the long-term, pre-wedding-night-blue-balls-clit-suffering... In other words, I started seriously second-guessing myself the second the possibility of gettin' sum reared its helmeted peen-y head.

SO. Are you staying pure? Going slutty? Playing "everything but the" or "just the tip" in the months leading up to June? Spill it in the comments, whore flaps (even you virgin-y whore flaps)!
I should get the two-pack, just to cover my bases...