Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How Would You Get RPattz's Attention?

I was watching Ellen's pre-New Moon interview* with RPattz on YouTube today and I just totally lose my shit every time they have the conversation about a recent autograph signing event where a woman asked what she could do to get his attention. He told her to take her clothes off. And she did.



Ya, that was me. What can I say? I'm just a big dirty whore. But you already knew that, didn't you?

No, just kidding. However, given the opportunity, you know damn well that I'd be stripped down to my birthday suit in eleven seconds. Flat. And that's saying a lot since I definitely don't look good naked. Seriously. Back in the infancy of my relationship with Mr. Latchkey, I was totally a sex-with-the-lights-off kind of gal. Now I don't give a shit. I'm almost 40 for chrissakes. Cut me some slack. But if you must know, I kind of look like I might be filled with air and someone squeezed all the air out of my top half, thereby making my bottom half look awkwardly large in comparison.

Ya, kinda like this but with blond hair.

Hearing him talk about it makes me wonder... what would us *ahem* Twitards of a certain age do to get RPattz's attention? Would you even have the balls to approach him if you happened to see him out in public? Would you get all Bella-stuttery and end up making yourself look like a complete asshole? Do you think that you could hold it together long enough to appear like you're a calm, cool and collected chick who he just might want to do the horizontal tango with?

You. Me. Horizontal tango. Now.

Or would you go all Jenny Jerkface on his ass and want to launch a steamer in his personal shitter? Now that takes balls. The thought of dropping a deuce in front of my own husband makes my butt clench, so I'm definitely not in any hurry to cop a squat in RPattz's trailer. Let's face it - the toilet is really JJ's doman and I really don't want to take that away from her. She can be his one-and-only girl-with-the-stinky-ass.

JJ, I hope you follow these instructions! [JJ's note: Oh man! I've been doing it wrong!!]

Or would you be more like Snarkier Than You and ramble on all Misery-style about how you want to keep him chained up in your basement? Now I may have to fight her for that title. I've often fantasized about how I could get away with slipping RPattz a roofie and hauling his pretty ass away in a windowless van. No one would ever look for him here... I don't know about STY, but I definitely think I could keep him around without taking drastic measures like hobbling him. I'm more of a carrot than a stick gal and I think regular hummers would keep him satisfied enough to stay on his own.

I would never... hurt... the Precious!

I'd like to think I'd be able to have an intelligent conversation with the man, but who am I kidding? Stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife would rear her ugly head faster than you can say "Run Forest Ruuuuun". I'm also positive I'd turn all Bella-stuttery too so I'm not quite sure how sexy that combination will be... Stuttery, stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife... that sounds fucking awesome. I'm turning myself on. Who knows? Maybe it will turn him on too. We already know he's got a thing for stuttery awkward chicks; maybe the rest of my charms will grow on him...

Oh Latchkey, I'll take you stuttery, stalkery, or slutty. Just let me take you!

So fellow Twitards, what would you do to get RPattz's attention???

*I know, you've already seen it a million times but just how fucking adorkable is he when the cheering continues for so long, he has to use the Oprah mask to hide behind?! So here, watch it again. I heart him.

87 comments:

  1. What would I do to get RPattz's attention? I would show him a photo of @texaskatherine and say "It's either her or me!". I would win everytime.

    x

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  2. I LOVE that Ellen show. I'm so mad somebody erased it off my DVR. That's one problem with being somewhat in the closet; my family didn't realize I'd want to watch it over and over again while they're gone. In all honesty, I will probably forget to breathe, let alone speak when (not IF), I meet the precious. I intend to dress slutty enough to let my boobs do the talking.

    Nice guest-posting, LKW!

    Fkat

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  3. FUCKING AWSOME POST!!!!!!!!!
    i would prob be a stuttering hoor like i was when i met kenny chesney, but i would get over it fast, i would give him a heini already opened and laced, and then i would find a dumpster ( yes im a slutty that way) or door way, or back alley (still slutty that way) and have my way with him!!!!! ( all while taking pics for my scrap book)................oh WOW did i just say all of that OUT LOUD???? oooops!!!!!! well any way, thats my story and im sticking to it!!!!
    LOve u guys!!!!!!!

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  4. I guess I wouldn't shower for a bit, rub myself with hot pockets and Heineken. That way I could slyly walk right up to him and he wouldn't know I'm coming because I smell just like him.

    Then in my best very awkward self do nothing but stare at him while wondering to myself did I seriously not shower for this shit? Where is his frakin' stylist because this isn't the least bit glorious when he is left to his own devices.

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  5. LMAO!!!!!! my word verification just said changeme!!!!!! i wish he would!!!!!!!

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  6. Best way is just ignore him so he doesn't think your some twihard loser after all when all is said and done he is just a guy maybe he would like a woman that isn't into all this twilight stuff and just wants him because he's famous.

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  7. I had to go back and re-read, I thought HOLYSHIT that was her that stripped!? :) First you're an awesome guest poster! As for your question - I have no freakin clue what I'd do. Honestly..prolly NOTHING..I'd stare - and seriously, pass out. Anything I'd attempt to say would not be coherent, so I may go more moma bear on him and take out some skank that was trying to invade his space..maybe he'd notice that! It'd be a win/win! :)

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  8. I have often wondered how I would react if I ever ran into the famous people that I love most. I actually hope I would be normal and be able to not scare them.

    After missing a chance to talk to Billy Joel years ago because some crazy fans wouldn't let him alone and they made him get on his bus instead of staying and talking to the small group of us, I always said I would try to not overwhelm someone.

    I got to implement that when I went to see Tony Bennett and before his show he walked past my Mom and I to check the room and then when he came back, I just turned and said "thank you for being here and for your music." and he said back to me "thank you" with his lovely smile and pure sincerity. It was a treasured moment and I know if I had been anything but normal and non-threatening it never would have happened.

    I know this is not a funny comment that would usually be posted but it is what I would do - be as normal as possible in order to get as much time with the person as possible and not scare them. Maybe it is because that is what I would want if I were the famous person.

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  9. Thank you ladies! I'm sure LatchkeyWife will hold her own. And then some.

    Maybe it's the meds I'm on because I normally I don't even notice this shit but...
    @Anonymous - ever hear of humor? Sarcasm? Tongue in cheek? Here's the wiki - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tongue-in-cheek hope that helps.

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  10. I'd run if it were an option. There's no good that could come of me meeting him. Seriously, I'd just stand there with my sweet smile and say nothing. Awk-ward....

    @anon - we're not twihards here. We're twi-TARDS. The big difference being we have a sense of humour. Unlike you.

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  11. Hey anonymous...stick to that plan...it should make trampling you easier.

    I've often wondered what i would do...and Ive come up with.....nada. I plan on trusting my primal instincts at the time. They usually surprise me and turn out more effective that I planned!

    Great Post Latchkey! XOXOXOXO

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  12. I'd offer him my firstborn (and only) child. (Even if she lost my copies of Eclipse and BD)She's got a much better chance. Tall, blond and 26. Then I could be his MIL!

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  13. First of all, WTF is up with the tiny font size on this post? I don't have the eyesight of a tween anymore, ya know.

    Secondly, I would flash him while yelling "Rob, it's Jack Nicholson" or "Rob, it's a giant Hot Pocket." Whatever was going on, and whatever he was in the middle of doing, he would stop and look at me.

    w/v: meting - If I was actually meting Rob, I would probably just drool and pee myself. (note to self - always carry bibs and diapers)

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  14. I think my heart would be pounding out of my chest so loud the whole conversation would consist of "what? WHAT? WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I'M A FUCKIN' SPAZZ!" heh.

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  15. Honestly?? I don't think I'd be that nervous. OK - I'd be a bit but not all SQUEEE nervous, yanno?

    I met George Clooney last summer during the Toronto International Film Festival. While others were fawning all over him, when he got to me, I just said,"How you doin' tonight, George?" and he looked right at me (apparently, he likes redheads) and said, "I'm doing just fine. Thank you for asking!"

    (OK - I 'did' melt after that but I waited until he'd moved on!)

    And that, I think, is the key.

    If I ever met Rob in person (probably out on the patio of a bar/pub grabbing a smoke), I would show an interest in him as a person, not an actor. Hells bells - I'm around actors all the time. No big deal. Movies stars, no...but I still can't wrap my head around Rob being a "movie star". That, I reserve for the George Clooneys and Brad Pitts out there.

    BTW - awesome post, ladies!!!

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  16. Being 40, I doubt RPattz would have any interest in me. However, I would offer to take him into my den (do cougars have dens??) and show him a thing or two some 19 year old knows nothing about (or a lot more - sex at 19 was awful!!).

    But if that were to fail, I may pull out a tire iron. I have been practicing on kittens on how to only stun for short periods of time instead of kill. Just kidding. Really. I love kittens.

    I would like some boots and a whip like Mrs. P has. I figure if the lure to the den doesn't work, and I don't hit him hard enough with the tire iron, I could hog tie him with the whip, and then drag him off to my den.

    But really, I have no idea what I would do. Probably be some bumbling fucking old bitch him and KStew laugh about later.

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  17. @dangrdafne - that's an awesome comment! and while i would totally get nekkid if rpatts said "take off your clothes" i realize that maybe he was just kidding (er, it didn't end well for that fan - lol!). i would probably run (or fall over myself trying) if bumped into him in person because i would feel like such a tool - lol! a big, hard tool...

    : )

    and YAAAAAAY! LKW is here to entertain us! i thougth i was smutty until i met her (and JJ but i knew JJ already and knew she was totally tarty).

    honestly i'd just like to down a couple of drinks with rpatts and tell some dirty jokes or something... and then after LKW's roofies kicked in, we'd figure out what to do from there!

    ; )

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  18. Forgot... awesome post, Latchkey wife! Loved it!!

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  19. note: we are aware of tiny font (too late thought - didn't show up until we posted it!) and will open a can of whup-ass on LKW's computer. or fix it for nest time. sorry!

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  20. I would, I hope at least, be able to keep it together. I would likely not say a word, just get out my phone and take a picture, or since I am a photographer, pray I had my big guns with me so that there is no question who the subject of thew picture was. But there is always the remote chance I would get all twitchy and cry or something! LOL

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  21. Yay, Latchkey Wife! Awesome job! As usual you put the whore in, well, whore.

    @cazza--Does your jealousy know no bounds? Also, suck my ass.

    @anon--As English is my first language I had trouble following your thoughts in the spindly web of your sentence structure. Are you trying to say that people should like RPattz because he's famous & not because he's connected to Twilight? Are you a life coach? A professional debator?We are mere mortals here; please do not unleash your superior persuasive abilities on us.

    @TJB--Please shower for Forks. That is all.

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  22. This is a total, fucking no-brainer. I would stand STOCK STILL and just hold up a bag of White Castle Sliders with cheese in my right hand, and a 6-pack of Heiniken in my left.

    No question in my mind that the kid would follow me ANYWHERE like a puppy who hasn't been fed for a week.

    MC
    The Cougar's Den

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  23. Great post @LKW. I used to be a latch key wife myself but now I'm not & it's a long story that I won't bore you with but I wanna know how you got that picture of my ass (before I cut my hair?)
    What would I do if I saw the Precious? Make a complete idiot of myself and make the poor guy run scared. I'd like to think I'd flash him my boobs and he would come running & I'd make suggestions that if he wants an awsome root he has to have a woman over 40 but then I just wake up with my hand on it. Oh well.

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  24. mmmk weird. I thought I was supposed to take the path through the Sparkle Peen Forest, then turn right at the Pattinson Panties Tar Pit to get to Twitardia. I must have taken a left and ended up in Latchkeytopia.

    Nice to see you LKW :)

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  25. Hey LKW...u blogging as a guest on Twitarded to hide from your hubby? baaahhh! Excellent post mind you.
    xoxox

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  26. Yeah.....the nekked thing would have him running screaming into the night away from me.....don't want to traumatize the poor kid. He's had a hard enough year!

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  27. Since I fully intend to be by F-Kat's side when (not IF) she meets The Precious and there's no way I can compete with her talking boobs, I'll probably just grin like a fool and randomly spew verbal vomit while he looks at me like I'm insane.

    Loved the post, Latchkey Wife!

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  28. Since I've met celebrities in the past who I had half the inappropriate thoughts about that I do Rob, I have a pretty good idea what would happen. The brain malfunctions, speech is spotty at best, and there is twitching involved. Someone will most likely stick a wallet in my teeth, lest I swallow my tongue, and call 911. The rest would resemble JJ's vision of her meeting him in NY. I will stick to my private jawporn collection and dream on...

    Great post LKW, but less than a dozen swear words; are you feeling all right?

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  29. "I CAN SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"
    would be my attention grabbing opening line.

    I feel entitled to use this as my opening line upon meeting Rob, as I have a master plan to save his fucking life. [Potentially.]

    Allow me to explain...

    I was unnerved when I read of RPattz's allergy to vaginas, as allergic reactions, if severe enough, can lead to acute anaphylaxis, which can lead to being dead. And it's a cuntiful world out there in general, not to even mention the vast density of cock pockets that Rob's gravity pulls!

    The man's in DANGER!!!
    Does no one care?!

    Well, I do.

    In light of that recent news story where that awesome research guy cured peanut allergy in kids by exposing them to increasing doses of peanuts over three years - I'd like to conduct a similar clinical trial with RPattz and vajayjays.

    Now, since this is a novel study design and I can't know the vaginal risks that may be involved, as the primary researcher ethically I would have to put my own taco on the line...

    I have made my peace with this, as well as with the fact that Robward may need far longer than 3 years of incremental exposure to my twat in order to achieve the desired results. Even if it takes a lifetime spent painstakingly orchestrating the slow climb from the "dry boink" to "banging til he walks sideways," I will heal what ails that poor boy...

    So be it. I'm a doctor, damnit. I took and *oath*.

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  30. Um I may or may not have given this a ton of thought at certain times in my Robsession. To be honest I would never knowingly put myself in his path like at a fan event, etc. The fleeting autograph and smile would not be enough. I would like to think it would be a bar and I would attempt to keep my cool like @TO Twicat explained. I would follow him and his posse to the patio and pull out a cigarette (from the pack I would have in my purse for just such an opportunity--I don't really smoke anymore...well, sometimes when drunk but whatever)and then ask him for a light...conversation ice breaker...he will realize I am just some harmless older woman that is fucking way cool and fucking hilarious...

    OK, I know that is realistically just a fantasy. If in a bar or restaurant where he was I think I would completely clam up and maybe try and build up the courage to have the waitress send him a shot of whiskey. I wouldn't want to bother him. I know meeting him would just make me feel nervous and awkward and probably him too. I would rather live in my holodeck fantasy world.

    @LKW--great post my friend..you must have OD'd on your Blogagra today.

    @TJB--that is the stealthiest of plans thus far...and I second @texaskatherine please shower for Forks!

    @kintail--Great plan I think...does your daughter know you might have inappropriate thoughts about her future husband?

    @Mama_Cougar--That is a damn good plan. Though it may need to be In-N-Out Burgers to have the full effect...Hot Pockets might work in a bind.

    @JennaVendetta--I like your scientific approach. Anything can be attempted and accomplished in the name of science...nice angle.

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  31. Oh and I forgot...

    @Anonymous--Troll defined: Unwelcome, offensive, stupid or abusive commenter on a blog, chat room, user group or BBS.

    Wait here is the best part...Synonyms (or is that too big a word for you?):
    asshat, punk-ass, fucktard, jerk

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  32. I would hope hope hope I would play it cool.... but the odds of that are like zilch!
    In the end I most likely say something really lame/stupid (ie. what's your favorite Hot Pocket?) and "do my best Bella" while trying really hard not to lick his jaw ;)

    LKW great post!

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  33. Leave it to me to love Jenna Vendettas post the best. With two doctors I'm sure we could cure him together.

    No truthfully I'd tell him about the best cupcakes in town. As I did in the twibite challenge i'd offer him a Guinness cupcake with Bailey's frosting. Even if baked by a fan with potential for rufees I dare him to resist one of those. After all he is British. The cupcake always wins!

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  34. I know that if I should ever be in the proximity of the Precious, fate would be a bitch to me and make sure my 5 year old daughter was with me so she could scream at the top of her lungs "Look Mommy it's Your EDWARD!" Everyone within a mile of her mouth would hear and I would have to pull a Bella. She already has me competely mortified when we go shopping and we see anything with his picture on it.

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  35. I live in Japan. I had the chance to go to the New Moon fan meeting in Tokyo last year and didn't. At the time I thought it would be a total disappointment. I would only get to see him from a distance and probably wouldn't even get a proper autograph. But now I'm kicking myself. Regret is a bitch. What if they had called my seat number and I could have gone up on stage to pull that stupid red string. No doubt he would have noticed me. I would have been the only non-Asian girl on the stage. Of course I would melt into a big puddle of goo when he looked at me but it would be totally worth it. So if they have a Eclipse fan meeting I'm going! Just don't tell me "I told you so" when I come home disappointed cause I only got to see him from a distance and didn't even get a stinking autograph.

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  36. Just the other day, my husband asked me whether I would go see Rob if he ever came to Serbia, and I said "No." and meant it. He was all wide eyed, and I said: "If I didn't go see Johnny Depp, I wouldn't go see Rob."

    But if I were to run into him, I would just smile, nod my head and say Hello. I've had enough of these counters to know that I would totally act "normal" and play it cool. No stage fright for me.

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  37. Good job @LatchkeyWife, great post!

    There are loads things I would like to do to get RPattz's attention, but if I am honest, the best I could hope for would be to not totally make an utter fool of myself infront of him.... As in to not just stare or stutter, and actually say something! Which I may very well may do.

    I would love to think if he ever walked past me in London, or walked into a pub I was in, I would have it all together and be able to be all coherent enough, to just be 'cool and chill'.... but I just KNOW that would not be the case! LOL. So the best I could hope for would be a smile and maybe a polite hello/nod - while on the inside using every ounce of my engery to not jump him right there and then!

    Oh a gal can dream......

    @JennaVendetta - that sounds like a great study, very thorough, its admirable to volunteer yourself in the name of science! ;-P

    @Anon - Have you ever been on this blog before? Seriously?!!

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  38. Wooooooot! Go LKW!

    I am loving hearing the sound of your Twitarded blogging cherry go splurt.

    "I'm turning myself on" lol

    xx

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  39. OH MY GOD! I'm getting all weepy and shit. Thank you so much for all your kind words of encouragement. I was so afraid I was going to crash and burn! And sorry I didn't comment earlier - it's like I fell asleep at my own party. Total fail!!

    First I would like to thank the Academy... oh wait, that's not right...

    First, I would like to apologize for the eye-straining small font. We'll work the bugs out next time (hopefully, I get invited back!)

    Second, you know when your watching cartoons and when the boy cartoon dude sees the girl cartoon dude and his heart starts visibly beating out of his chest (I think this is the cartoon version of a boner) - ok, that's what I look like right now. I puffy heart you all soooooo much. You've all been very... welcoming! And I love you!!

    I'm sorry I'm not responding to you individually, but that would make me extremely late for work. I nearly squealed when I saw 38 comments this morning.

    And lastly, I think I would have to grab a hold of his leg so tight he'd never be able to shake me off. I'd be like that kid that doesn't want the mom to leave them at daycare... except I'm not a kid, I'm a slut, and since I'm already down there... maybe I cop a feel... oh and maybe give his leg a little dry hump in the process!

    Thank you JJ and STY for having the confidence in my writing to invite me into the Twemple of Twitards. Love you guys hard!

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  40. Oh ya and @anonymous... What. The. Fuck? I'm thinking you wouldn't know sarcasm if she came up and bit you in the ass. I feel sorry for you.

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  41. @LKW I was remiss in not saying in my first post that you’re a lovely guest blogger – captured the stalker slut vibe flawlessly!

    @VitaminR @Twi_Chic Thank you for your support, ladies – through scientific design and massive amounts of sex, I aim to ensure that RPattz is around for a very long time, if not a bit distracted…

    @twilightcupcake Once the trial is underway and I feel I can ethically expose others to the risks involved, I imagine I’ll need a stand-in beaver at least once a month when “that time” rolls around. Another doctor beaver who understands the gravity of this is even better! Hey, you took an *oath*…!

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  42. What would I do?...?
    I would like to say I would slide on up and give him a good 'fuck me now' line but really I would probably get very still and pass out!
    Though I did get to meet several 'humans and wolves' at the convention and the only one that tongue tied me was Charlie Bewley. He as gorgeous and opened his mouth with the english accent and I kinda choked. I did compose myself (aka hid behind my 6 yr old daughter) and had a brief conversation about where (geographicaly) Michigan was. Yea, he wasn't smart but really does he need to be!?!?!
    Rpattz strikes me as adorkable and I don't think talking to him would be hard at all (hehe, I said 'hard')
    Off to work...
    Thanks for the laugh ladies and the fantasies for the day.

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  43. I am new to commenting here.. but been following for. like. ever now. But I just had to comment here and let everyone know I have this amazingly fool proof plan.

    We all know how much he prefers brunettes.. and since i'm blonde i'm gonna have a problem to begin with.. I'm a polish blonde so what I do have will work for me here.. I simply pretend to be the delivery person..

    bringing in his lunch/dinner/snack whatev and then pass out right by him.. his sweet big ol' heart is gonna take me into his trailor to help me and I got him!! He eats my *ahem* foodz and we walk outta there together as if we had been forever cause after he has had this amazeingly chubbyishness over 30 bod I will spoil it for him for anyone else!

    haha.. Ok maybe not.. but we all have fantasies right? *Le'Sigh*

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  44. @JennaVendetta - lmfao! definitely spewed my tea... And for the sake of The Precious, I will also offer up my hoo-hoo in the name of science and saving his life. Because I am selfless like that, too. I think all the Twitards would sign up to help!

    : )

    @latchkeyWife - They like you! They REALLY like you!! (And we LOVE you!) Naturally - what's not to like in a snarky lil' skank like yourself?! You're a right slutty wolf in sheep's clothing, you are - lol!

    OK am not making myself late for work - bbl!

    xo

    : )

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  45. I would be dumbsmacked and probably just pass by him and it would hit me like 10 minutes later (when my brain would finally realize the fact i had just seen Rob) when itd be too late to catch his attention. So I guess I dont have to worry about this one :)

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  46. WELCOME LKW!!! GREAT POST (shitty font)

    Yes, I thing I have to agree with Dangrdafne and some others about going low key. Deep in my heart I feel for this guy having to live the reality of the crazies.

    Nothing will cure me of my crazies here...but in RL..I would pull it together if I actually met him and fall apart later after he left. Thank goodness for this bloggy support group lined up and waiting for me! LOL!

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  47. Imagine if we could just get him to Forks with us in September and put all our theories to the test? Poor dudes cock would fall right off. And that's just after I got done with him... ooops!

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  48. Ha - great comments.
    I am at work & unfortunately have to help answer phones (mental health line), and read Catherine's line & was literally UNABLE to stop laughing before I answered..which is NOT appropriate.
    I too have thought this question over & I think I would be cool & calm. I don't want to be a scary fan & I would like to respect his privacy, so it would kind of depend on the venue. If I just saw him in public, my jaw would hit the floor & I would probably not approach him...I think I would be WAY too nervous.
    When I met PFach at an autograph signing, I thought about what I would say to him for about 3 hours while I waited in line, & it ended up being something like...."Hi, thank you, looks like you're going to be here for awhile...that's a long line"...DUH! Side note, my friend who was behind me told him he looked tired & then proceeded to have a 10 minute conversation with him about his travel experience, so apparently the key is to insult their appearance.
    If I met him at a signing, I would probably come up with some sort of loving insult to see his reaction.
    I think Rob should show up at FORRRRKS as a surprise to you all & then you could blog all of your actual reactions (although I'm not sure Forks has a big enough medical staff to handle all of the ensuing heart attack & insta-orgasms). If I was famous, I would totally do cool stuff like that for my fans.

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  49. No worries on the font size, LKW. I'm just bitter that I had to get "readers" at my eye appointment last month. Damn aging.

    Thanks for the great post!

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  50. Oh and I think it's clear that if you KNOW you will meet him, present him with food.

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  51. For a minute there I thought JJ or STY was having their way with Mr. Latchkey, before I realized that LKW was writing the post. Snort!


    @F-Kat and Twilove1 - In the words of the very hot and famous Jackson Rathbone "Hot Mamas". 'Nuff said.

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  52. @Rob's Bitch - I despise cooking but I'd cook for him if it meant I could get in his pants.

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  53. @Z Any Mouse - You didn't say in your comment what you're going to do when you meet Rob (note I said "when" and not "if"). I just know that I'm going to have to hold you back from licking his face. I promise to be ready to stop you, unless you don't want me to...?

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  54. Rob can't be met like in seconds this would be fatal. I reaaaaaaaaaly want to sit and listen to him saying any of his craaaaazy thoughts. I really wish out of mercy they would organize like the Rob Tour where he gets locked up behind bars for protection lol! and we get the chance to really see him for a long time and talk. I'm not Christian but a confession shrine where Rob is visible is also great,or in the subway I would say hi, I just want too hear you talk would u do a crazy fan a favor and have me sit here till you go, please?
    great scary post, how I wish to meet the precious :)

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  55. @LKW - who said anything about COOKING, lol.

    But yes, if he asked me to cook as a means to play with the hooded sparkle peen, that would not be a problem.

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  56. i'll write really witty comments on a twilight blog in hopes that Robert will read them and just have to know more about me. he'll figure out a way to contact me and we will write each other dirty fan fic stories, starring us of course. until we finally have a chance to meet in paris and hump like rabbits.

    you did great latchkey lady!

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  57. @Twilove1-please just promise me that you won't stop HIM from licking MY face, or anything else he wants to lick.

    @ZanyMouse- That sounds like an excellent goal. Let's get each of the Cullen Boys (or Hale as the case may be) to utter the phrase "hot mamas" at us. One down, three to go!

    Fkat

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  58. Breaking my comment cherry here..

    I think if I actually did meet him, I'd be rude as hell to him. I deliberately sabotage any chance with guys and repel men when I first meet them - especially if I like them.

    However, since I wont ever meet him I'm gonna say I'd try peacocking. I'd wear really bright clothing to ensnare him and he would fall head over heels for my flourescent sweat pants...

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  59. Oh wow...we'll I already saw him in person once and stood there like a complete ass when he signed my magazine and just said- OMG OMG over and over---yes, I know--what a FOOL!!! I could have said something, ANYTHING--but instead, I said OMG OMG then cheered WHOOOOOO as he walked away like a 12 year old! **Sigh***

    Now- I have tix to Jimmy Fallon on March 1 and am gearing up a plan if he happens to stick around to talk to the crowd. Ultimately, I'd love to get a pic with him. I contemplated having him sign my chest like how Adam Sandler signs some girls boobs in Happy Gilmore. Think he would do that??

    Any REAL suggestions? I think I might actually have the opportunity to see (briefly) see him after the show is over. I like the idea of having a six pack of Heineken!! (forgot who said that) but that would be great! Don't know if I can carry beer into NBC studios though!?!?!

    Nice post LKW!!

    BTW- this is not the same anonymous as before....for some reason I just can't sign in!!

    Signing off as-
    Fantasizing_About_Rob

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  60. Is this an unexpected run in and I'm not prepared? Oh geez..think, think, think...got it!

    I'd have to bust out into a rendition of SaltNPepa's "Shoop" song...

    "Straight up, wait up, hold up Mr Lover, like Prince said you're a sexy mutha-"

    "Wanna thank your mother for a butt like that!"

    ...and hope that he either blushes or joins in singing with me and does a little dance with me (or just rubs all up against me)

    Now if I had planned on seeing him I'd come armed with a Hallmark card addressed to his Mum and insist he take it and... a beer and "Fat Cat" sandwich--but I stole that idea from JJ.

    Junie :)

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  61. @anonFAB- I bow to your strength at not passing out in his presence. Good Luck at the Jimmy Fallen show. Please find a way to share your firsthand impressions.
    (sorry-no actual advice)

    Fkat

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  62. @F-Kat: Don't worry, I won't stop him once he starts licking and I promise to take pictures. I'm there for you, man.

    @F-Kat & @ZanyMouse: We have some planning to do! Just remember, meeting in a predetermined manner is not the same thing as stalking :)

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  63. Okay I'm going to take this question seriously. I have no fucking idea of what I would do, in 'his' prescence. I think I would approach him definately for his autograph, but when I get nervous and giddy, my face swells and I resemble a seal. A monk seal to be exact as the dickhead friend of mine told me in high school. So, as long as I don't start barking like one, or clapping my hands, I would politely try to grab as much flesh as possible when taking a fan photo.

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  64. @ TexasKatherine awesome comment to anon :-)
    @ LatchkeyWife, great post!
    @Fantasizing_About_Rob – rehearse a line. Just say ‘hi’. if there is something from the show u remember - just tell him. don’t try to get all elaborate. keep it short & sweet.

    To steal a line from Nibbles “drop trow, I give head’.. I was once told I could suck the chrome off a tale pipe.. so I’m quite confident in my abilities.

    However, in all seriousness- I don’t think I’d say much other than ‘hi, thanks for bringing Edward to the big screen’. I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity- unless things were just crazy. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet both the VP and first lady of the US– I told the VP that my 5 yr old loved him.. I got a hug. Mrs Obama was awesome – even after I called her by her first name (cringe) I still got a hug.

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  65. @Twilove1 and F-Kat: You had better not stop me from licking the face of the Precious, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

    Stalk rhymes with cock. Sounds like a plan.

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  66. @ F-Kat

    HI- it's fantasizing _about_ rob again....belive me, it took all the strength I had just to stand up straight. It all happened so freaking fast though! ugh!

    @ Jayla

    I think you're right...keep is short and sweet. I will have a line in my head just in case!! And good for you for meeting the VP and 1st lady! Awesome!

    Signing off-

    Fantasizing_About_Rob

    WTF is wrong with blogger? Why can't I sign in???

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  67. My family has had a twivention for me and iI am only allowed to drool and moan in the confines of my own room no longer on the family computer, library, store, etc. My hubby and kids are such brats. So I will only love from afar. So sad I come out of the closet only to be tossed back in for "inappropriate" noises and comments.

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  68. Great post by the way!

    Hmmm... I'd have the balls to approach him. I'm kinda stupid that way..

    I'd probably blather something unintelligent or just stand there and stare at him.

    I met Kellan in Vancouver while they were filming New Moon, we happened to see him going for a run and were told that he returned through a back entrance of the hotel. So we went and staked out the back of the hotel and lo and behold here come Kellan jogging along. I make a pleading face and he stops for us but wants to get closer to the entrance before he signs for us. Then he starts teasing us saying that we gotta run after him to get an autograph, well I'm in three inch heels. So like a dumb ass I blather "You don't want me to pull a Bella and fall on my face do ya?" (Later I realized what I said and did a face palm at my stupidity) But Kellan being the sweet heart that he is stopped and apologised and signed our books and took pictures with us. I got to feel that wash board stomach of his.... Hmmmm the memories

    I also managed to meet Peter during the filming of Eclipse. We figured out where they were filming that day and even though the PA's were telling us that they were only the 2nd unit and no stars were on set. Huge lie on their part. Peter heard that we had been hanging out by the circus since 5 am, this was about 4 pm and when he wrapped he came over to us. I was brave enough to ask for an autograph but was so mesmerized by his eyes I couldn't think of a thing to say to him. He kept giving me funny looks while he was signing my book, and I just kept staring at him. Doh!

    I know one thing that I would probably say if I met Rob. I would probably take the opportunity to apologise to him for the panties. Yah I know no regrets, but I would be a conversation starter wouldn't it?!?

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  69. @red_bella: well you're 1/2 way thru the cullen men. i'm rooting for you to meet the other two (i'm so jealous you felt up kellan!!!)

    @sminni: if mr. jayla only knew the level of my obsession, i'd be put on lock down.

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  70. I`d like to think »I would keep it cool and collected.

    I would definitly NOT strip though. haha. I may be only 22, but after carryiny twins, the body just aint what it used to be ... now, if I was a teenager ...

    yeah, I would. haha

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  71. **Hands Rob business card**

    Says to him,

    "Why don't you call my office and set up an appt. I'm an allergy specialist."


    v/w: nodiest Umm not me, that is definitely LKW!

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  72. I'd probably piss myself--seriously.

    What I really wanted to say is THANK YOU Latchkey Wife for including the pic of Rob holding his shoes with the smoke at the back of the car. That is one of, if not my fave pic of RPatz--holy f-bombs it makes me squeeeeeeeeeee

    He is an alien, how can he be so dang hawt and sexy face? ugh

    thump thump (my heart, and myself falling off couch)

    laytahs!

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  73. OMFG @red_bella you felt up Kellan's abs! Fucking yum! I've seen heaps of pic's of him jogging & he's usually commando, was he that day? AND you met Dr Fuckinelli, I'm so jealous. Seriously, don't ever apologise for the panties, it would be a good cnversation starter though.

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  76. LKW -luvs the post. double fucking snaps for the topic!

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  77. Hi Ladies...so yesterday I made a comment about how he signed my magazine and I didn't have the balls or the brains to acutally put a few words together....well, here is a video from that night!!

    With a smile like that- who could think of anything to say!?!?!?

    ENJOY!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbe0Mqpmt5A

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  78. Do you hear me saying OMG OMG in the video...then a short WHOOO...WHOOO, yeah, that's me! DUH!

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  79. @FaR- I would definitely need resusitation due to that proximity in your video! Is it possible to love and hate you at the same time? I saw that you might get JS tix in addition to the Jimmy Fallon you already have. Bitch!! (and I mean that in the most loving twitarded way). I've been trying to get Ellen tix here on the West coast and I can't even get in to see her with ANY guest let alone the precious. (pouting)

    fkat

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  80. @ F-Kat

    I *requested* tix to the JS show...doesn't mean I'm going to get them though! A girl can hope and pray, right? But Jimmy Fallon is on and I am PSYCHED!! In addition to Rob being there, Hall and Oates are playing so that should be cool too!

    Ellen would be so fun!! I'd love to get on her shoW!!

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  81. My family has had a twivention for me and iI am only allowed to drool and moan in the confines of my own room no longer on the family computer, library, store, etc. My hubby and kids are such brats. So I will only love from afar. So sad I come out of the closet only to be tossed back in for "inappropriate" noises and comments.

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  82. @F-Kat: Don't worry, I won't stop him once he starts licking and I promise to take pictures. I'm there for you, man.

    @F-Kat & @ZanyMouse: We have some planning to do! Just remember, meeting in a predetermined manner is not the same thing as stalking :)

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  83. Hey LKW...u blogging as a guest on Twitarded to hide from your hubby? baaahhh! Excellent post mind you.
    xoxox

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  84. Honestly?? I don't think I'd be that nervous. OK - I'd be a bit but not all SQUEEE nervous, yanno?

    I met George Clooney last summer during the Toronto International Film Festival. While others were fawning all over him, when he got to me, I just said,"How you doin' tonight, George?" and he looked right at me (apparently, he likes redheads) and said, "I'm doing just fine. Thank you for asking!"

    (OK - I 'did' melt after that but I waited until he'd moved on!)

    And that, I think, is the key.

    If I ever met Rob in person (probably out on the patio of a bar/pub grabbing a smoke), I would show an interest in him as a person, not an actor. Hells bells - I'm around actors all the time. No big deal. Movies stars, no...but I still can't wrap my head around Rob being a "movie star". That, I reserve for the George Clooneys and Brad Pitts out there.

    BTW - awesome post, ladies!!!

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  85. Being 40, I doubt RPattz would have any interest in me. However, I would offer to take him into my den (do cougars have dens??) and show him a thing or two some 19 year old knows nothing about (or a lot more - sex at 19 was awful!!).

    But if that were to fail, I may pull out a tire iron. I have been practicing on kittens on how to only stun for short periods of time instead of kill. Just kidding. Really. I love kittens.

    I would like some boots and a whip like Mrs. P has. I figure if the lure to the den doesn't work, and I don't hit him hard enough with the tire iron, I could hog tie him with the whip, and then drag him off to my den.

    But really, I have no idea what I would do. Probably be some bumbling fucking old bitch him and KStew laugh about later.

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  86. First of all, WTF is up with the tiny font size on this post? I don't have the eyesight of a tween anymore, ya know.

    Secondly, I would flash him while yelling "Rob, it's Jack Nicholson" or "Rob, it's a giant Hot Pocket." Whatever was going on, and whatever he was in the middle of doing, he would stop and look at me.

    w/v: meting - If I was actually meting Rob, I would probably just drool and pee myself. (note to self - always carry bibs and diapers)

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